Four children wait in the snow for a school bus.
August 13, 1997
Four children stood in the snow, waiting for the bus, in silence. It almost sounded like there was a jingle in the air. They were Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman and Kenny McCormick. In a strange way, they are happy to go back to school. It feels like a return to normalcy following last year when aliens invaded and killed the President.
The kids began singing, it started out of boredom and then everyone joined in.
"School Days. School Days, Teacher's golden…"
Kyle stopped singing when he saw a little three year old coming towards them.
Kyle: "Ah damn it, my little brother's trying to follow me to school again."
Ike Broflovski was three years old. Kyle lived near the bus stop and its likely their parents hadn't noticed he was gone yet. Ike tried to speak.
"Baba Simi ba ba!"
Kyle: Ike. You can't come to school with me.
Cartman: Yeah go home you little Dildo
Kyle: Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo.
Stan: What's a dildo?
Kyle: I don't know... and I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either!
Cartman: I know what it means!
Kyle: Well, what?!
Cartman: ...I'm not telling you.
Kenny: uno.
Stan: What's a dildo, Kenny?
Kenny: Mph rmph phrmph m phrmph mmr.
All the boys bursted out laughing. Cartman struggled to talk through his own laughter.
Cartman: HA YEAH! THAT'S WHAT KYLE'S LITTLE BROTHER IS ALRIGHT!
Cartman continued to laugh, kneeling over. Ike walked over to him and slapped him. It didn't hurt but it made Cartman pause.
Cartman: ow!
Stan: Dude, your little brother kicks ass.
Kyle: That's nothing. Watch this.
Kyle got into a football position, field goal position.
Kyler: Ready Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike mumbled. "Don't kick the baby"
Kyle charged and kicked, Ike who went flying with a "Waaaaahhhh!" Going down the road with a fake scream. He collided into a group of mail boxes head first. The others boys couldn't tell how much of it was staged and how much was genuine, it seemed to be played up for comedy. The other boys laughed, Cartman yawned heavily.
(We at Real Time Productions do not condone Violence. We do however find it hilarious).
Stan: hey, you alright?
Cartman: Yeah…Yeah I'm doing fine.
Cartman had disappeared and claimed to have been abducted by aliens when he reappeared. While normally such a claim would be ignored, recent…let's say spike…in alien activity had led to claims like that being taken very seriously.
Kyle: I've heard that they've been turning cows inside out.
Stan: Yeah, but Cartman said the aliens that took him looked different.
Cartman: Yeah they were grey and skinny with black eyes.
Kyle: So they're not Rigellians. What do we call them then… visitors?
A large Chevy came to a stop in front of the kids. They recognized the driver.
"Hello Children."
All the Kids responded with "Hey, Chef."
Stan: What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?
Chef: Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole or vegetable medley.
Cartman: Kick ass!
Chef: Any of you kids see that UFO last night?
Kyle No, but Cartman got abducted.
Chef: Oh? Did they give you an anal probe?
Stan: What's an anal probe?
Chef: That's when they put something up your ass.
Kyle: Whoa, they put something in your ass?!
Cartman: No!
Ike tried to speak the words but only said "Ana Pobe ".
Cartman: Shut up Dildo!
Chef turned back to the road: Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria. You children watch that fat boy now, he could be under alien control.
As Chef turned to face forward, Cartman spotted that the back of his shirt had the image of the alien he saw and the word "BELIEVE". He then drove off. The School Bus arrived and the kids began to board. Kyle turned to Cartman.
Kyle: You're walking funny.
Cartman: Shut up!
Ike tried to board but Kyle stopped him.
Kyle: No, Ike! Go home!
Kyle pushed him down and the School Bus Door closed. He fell into a school bank. The boys walked passed the driver.
Stan: Good morning, .
: Sit down we're running late.
The Boys sat in the back, looking out to see Ike running out into the middle of the road as the bus drove away.
Kyleamn. He's still there.
Stan: Don't worry about him.
Kyle: No, if something happens to him. My parents are gonna kill me.
shouted at them.
"I said sit down!"
Stan mumbled to himself.
"Yeah whatever you fat bitch."
shouted back.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?"
"I said I have a bad itch."
let out an "oh" and seemed to accept this. Kyle turned back to the outside of the bus and gasped in horror.
"Oh my God!"
A group of tall lanky aliens with black almond eyes emerged and began to surround Ike. Kyle and Stan screamed VISITORS! Making the children turn to see. Kyle shouted to the driver.
" ! You have to stop the bus!"
"Do you have an office referral?"
"NO!?"
"THEN SIT DOWN!"
"But I.."
screamed at him, Kyle ran back. Ike and the Aliens were now gone.
"We have to do something."
Stan responded.
"We can't that fat bitch won't let us!"
Mrs. Crabtree shouted back.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?"
"I said rabbits eat lettuce."
resumed driving suspiciously. Stan turned back to Kyle.
"Look. We'll get off the bus when we get to the school. We can go look for your brother there. I don't think we'll be missing much."
Kenny: Mph mprmhpm bmarmphs!
South Park Elementary School.
"And now children, our friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus."
The teacher. Mr Garrison. Held up a hand puppet with a big hat and a striped shirt, which Garrison did the voice for.
"That's right Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America, and was the Indian's best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Frederick Douglas, and, and freed the Hebrews from Napoleon, and discovered France."
As the Four Kids were running, there was panic.
"We got out of School!" Shouted Cartman before he fell over in pain.
"Dude are you alright?
"Yeah…Yeah I just have a little. "
Suddenly there was a burst of fire from Cartman's ass. He screamed in pain as the flame continued for some time. He then fell forward into the snow, exhausted and in pain with tears in his eyes and red cheeks. Both of them. All sat gasped in shock.
Stan: Jesus Christ!
Kyle: Did you just..Fart Fire!?"
Cartman: No Shit!…hurt like hell!
Kyle: It's the probe! It has to be! He's under alien control!
Cartman: I'm not under alien control!
Suddenly, Cartman's body seized up, he sputtered as if he was having a seizure. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and he began to speak a world alien language, before collapsing to the ground. Stan and Kyle were more perplexed than scared.
Stan: What the hell was that?!
Kyle: He IS under alien control. That thing in his butt is linked up to the visitors.
Cartman: Oh, son of a bitch!
Kyle grabbed Cartman and screamed at him.
Kyle: HEY! IF YOU BASTARDS CAN HEAR ME! BRING ME BACK MY LITTLE BROTHER GOD DAMMIT!
Kyle punched Cartman.
Cartman: Ow. Dude, that hurt, you butt licker!
Stan: Kyle, go easy on him. He's not in control. Let's go back to where Ike was taken. They have to be near there.
The Boys ran to the area and found a large field, they ran out and sure enough, there was a spaceship.
Stan: KYLE, LOOK! It's them!
Kyle picked up a rock.
Kyle: GIVE ME BACK MY BROTHER!
Kyle threw it and it bounced harmlessly off the UFO. The UFO then fired a yellow ray at the boys, they all ducked, but Kenny wasn't fast enough. Kenny was knocked back several yards, landing with a sickening crunch. The UFO then flew off and vanished into the sky. Stan ran to Kenny's side, and checking his pulse.
"Oh my God! They killed Kenny!"
"YOU BASTARDS!"
Kyle shouted at the UFO.
" COME BACK HERE! COME BAAAAACK!"
Stan looked at Kenny's corpse.
"Poor Kenny."
There was a look among the three.
Stan: We have to get the Cops involved! This is too big now. Our friend is dead!.
Cartman: What! I'm not gettin' in trouble. Are you crazy! They'll dissect me!
Kyle: We have to do this to get Ike back.
Cartman: I'm not doing that!
Stan: C'mon Cartman! We have to do this.
Stan and Kyle held out their hands, silently asking Cartman to take it and accept. Cartman looked at them in the face with a mean expression.
"Screw you guys. I'm going home."
Cartman sat at home with a Pot Pie watching the news.
TV reporter: As the reports of UFO sightings increase, more mysterious crop-circle patterns are appearing in fields all around South Park. These crop cirlces, when viewed from above, form strange patterns...
The Crop Circle shown looked exactly like Cartman. Cartman's eyes widened.
"Oh…My…Gahd…."
Cartman was snapped out of it by his cat meowing and jumping on his lap to get his food.
"No kitty! Bad Kitty! No Kitty, this is MY pot pie! MOMM! Kitty's being a dildo! "
Cartman's mom poked her head from behind the wall.
" Well then I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with mommy tonight. "
Cartman's face turned into one of horror and disgust.
Stark's Pond
Kyle:And now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed!
Wendy: Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?
Kyle: Why?
Wendy: Well if the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, maybe the visitors are using him as part of their plan. You should use the fat kid as bait to bring them back.
Kyle: Hey, you're right Wendy! C'mon Stan, We have to go get Cartman!
Wendy: I'm coming too.
Cartman was tied to a tree at night by Stan,Wendy and Kyle.
Cartman: You guys, I have to get home.
Stan: Don't be such a fraidy cat, Cartman! This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again.
Wendy, Stan and Kyle went and his in some bushes. Cartman was left all alone, looking up in the night sky, which now no longer seemed beautiful. It seemed terrifying. Like looking into an abyss knowing there be monsters. There was only silence.
Kyle: How come the visitors aren't coming for him?
Stan: I think we need to signal…
The Anal probe burst out, forming a large giant satellite. Cartman screamed in pain as fire burst out from the machine.
Wendy: He's like Rudolph.
Cartman: Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of MY ASS?! I'm sick of it! It's completely immature!
Cartman was crying and in immense pain. The Metallic Satellite seemed to be looking around and expanded. A yellow beam shot out into the sky like a searchlight.
Chef and Officer Barbrady arrived on the scene soon after. The Alien ship arrived, a massive mothership. Mr Garrison also arrived along with other townspeople.
Garrison: There is some crazy stuff going on in this town.
Garrison held up his puppet .
"You can say that again."
Kyle ran out.
Kyle: Come down here you stinkin' aliens!
Five aliens beamed down right in front of him scaring Kyle, along with Stan and Wendy. Kyle backed off and went beside Stan.
Stan:Go..Go on, Kyle, ask them for your little brother back...
Stan's fear could be heard but Kyle walked forward despite his fear and now tried speaking softly, almost pleading.
"V-Visitors... This morning you took my brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football…"
The Visitors only looked at him.
Kyle: At first I was happy you took him away... But I've learned something today; that having a little brother is a pretty special thing.
Kyle seemed to pause.
"Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could just find it in your hearts or whatever you have to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again."
Kyle was beginning to cry and was now sobbing. Stan walked up to Kyle.
" That was beautiful, dude."
Kyle was still looking down.
" Did it work?"
" Nope, they're leaving."
Kyle suddenly shot up and began screaming.
" HEY YOU SKRAWNY ASS ****HEADS! "
The Visitors turned around as they were leaving.
"WHAT'S THE **** IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU (****) LITTLE (****). YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF **** TO BE ABLE TO IGNORE A CRYING CHILD."
This took Stan back in complete shock.
"Woah, dude. "
"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE!? I BET YOU'D ALL LIKE TO **** YOUR OWN **** WHILE SHE **** ON YOUR ***** *****)! "
Stan looked at Wendy.
Stan: What's a..*****?
Wendy shrugged.
Suddenly part of the Mothership opened up, inside was Ike, standing there in white clothing.
Kyle yelled at him
"Ike! Jump down now for the love of God Ike, JUMP!"
Like did not move. He seemed to be looking down hesitantly, clearly scared. Kyle was standing below where Ike was.
Kyle: Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career.
Ike shouted "It's my tun!" and jumped as if diving to a pool, landing in Kyle's arms. The mothership was fortunately hovering close to the ground. Kyle and the rest of the town watched as the UFO seemed to large satellite dish collapses, folds into itself and disappears back into Cartman's ass. Cartman was suddenly grabbed by the beam and pulled up into the ship. Cartman screaming.
"Heeeeeeelp... Sonns a bitcheeees! DIIIIILLLLLDOOOS!"
And with that Cartman vanished into the UFO, which shot off into the sky and vanished.
_
The next Day, the news reported on contact with another alien species. This alien race had evidently studied humans and had made peaceful contact with Al Gore being among to greet the Visitors. The research of the Visitors had concluded Humanity to be the smartest species and they had granted Gore with this strange triangular object. Of course all this was reported after the meeting had taken place and had not been attended. The Story had been published in the hopes of showing to the people of Earth that it had allies as well as enemies outside in the stars.
Eric Cartman, stumbled towards the bus stop. He was spotted by Stan, Kyle and Wendy. They spotted him and ran up. Cartman collapsed forward in pain. They checked him and found clearly visible and horrific injuries surrounding his buttocks, that looked like wounds sealed up with heat. OVer the next few weeks he would have to undergo multiple surgeries to recover from the damage done to him.
Wendy examined them.
"They must've removed the Probe."
"Painfully." Muttered Cartman.
Kyle looked at him.
"What the Hell happened?"
"I don't know. I was asleep for most of it. There were hundreds of cows, aliens, the song. I was performing the song "I Love to Singa" and Scott Baio gave me pink eye….Ah thank god it was just a dream."
Stan chose to be the one to break it to him.
"Hate to Say it dude, but it wasn't a dream."
"Then why don't I have Pinkeye?"
"You do have Pinkeye."
"Fu…"
Cartman saw someone emerge from the Bushes that surprised him.
"Kenny?"
"Tears welled up in his eyes before he ran, despite the immense pain he was in and hugged him."
"KENNY YOU'RE ALIVE."
Kyle, Stan and Wendy seemed confused.
"Yeah, why wouldn't he be?"
At this Cartman's joy was replaced with fear laced with confusion.
"What?"
"Why wouldn't Kenny be here?"
" I saw him die. "
"When?""
"Yesterday?…or however Long its been. I thought the aliens shot him."
"They did. He was fine."
"But we all thought he died! That's why I went home! I had enough!"
"No he was with us the whole time."
Cartman could only stand there confused.
"No he wasn't! We were all there! I saw it! The aliens shot him!"
"He was fine. He was ok."
Cartman looked at the ground.
"Huh. Must have missed that part."
"Yeah he…"
Kyle realized something.
"Huh. You know I don't actually remember Kenny getting back up after that hit…But he must've. He's here now."
All eyes looked at Kenny. Kyle now asked the question directly to him.
"Kenny?….Where did you go?"
Kenny looked at all of them and then took off his hood so he could look them in the face and he could see them. He took in a deep breath and prepared to speak.
