Our Story begins with Kathie Lee Gifford getting shot in the head.
"So…It all started when Cartman won that "Save our Fragile Planet" competition. I knew something was up. So I snuck into the school. Turns out he plagiarized his paper. Someone came in and I hid. It was . He was talking about murdering Kathy Lee Gifford. She was going to come to town to give Cartman an award. I told Officer Barbrady and the police went over the town. I also told Stan and we immediately guessed he'd be at the Book Depository. We almost couldn't believe the irony. We yelled at the cops, before running up, but we were too late."
-Wendy Testaburger, Police Interview.
" shot Kathie Lee Gifford in the head. Apparently Garrison was shown up by "Pennsylvania Next Right" at his school. They were win a talent show and he lost. Usually that wouldn't be enough of a reason but I always suspected Garrison was unstable. The man talked to a puppet for god's sake[1]."
-Stan Marsh, Police interview.
"It is a sad occasion. To have such a young life snuffed out before her time. Kathie was a good friend, and I will miss her. I always imagined she'd outlive me. I never thought I'd outlive her. I don't know what we'll do now, or who will take her spot on the show, but whoever it is…They'll have big shoes to fill."
-Regis Philbin, Co-Star with Kathie Lee Gifford on Live! With Regis and Kathie Lee on her death.
"Local Boy Kenny McCormick is a Hero for attempting to take the bullet for Kathie Lee."
-South Park Elementary School Newspaper.
"Kenny told us shortly after Cartman returned about his seeming immortality. He said he woke up naked on his bed, wet with something. His parents came in and talked to him. They explained how they'd belonged to a cult when he was born and they performed some ritual on him, which…didn't seem to work….until now. The ritual was what they believed had led to Kenny reviving. He'd died when he was a child according to them and returned. It looks like…and this is gross to think about…Kenny is basically rapidly reborn when he died. As in his mother suddenly became pregnant and started screaming, quickly giving birth to him again. They placed the baby down while they decided on what to do and then, the baby started to grow, until it marched Kenny's age. That's when he woke up. It's freaky to think about. It also looks like only his parents seem to remember[2]. I don't know why Cartman remembers. Maybe it's something the aliens did to him. I remember Kenny getting hit…but I don't remember him dying. It's just like…he disappeared. Anyway. What's weird is there's still a body out there. No one can make heads or tails of it. I don't even know where it is now. Kenny said he buried and his parents told him to. So it's out there in the Snow. The police say when we called to report his death, they changed it since he's shown up just fine.
So that's it then. One of my friends is immortal, and someone just innocent just died. I keep wondering why couldn't Kenny had died instead of Kathie, and I feel like that's a cruel thing to think.
-Private journal of Stan Marsh.
"Oh yeah, the Volcano. My Uncle Jimbo though it would be a good idea. That it would help us get our minds off things, seeing as our teacher had committed murder. We went with his old Vietnam War buddy Ned. They would always shout "Look out It's coming right for us!" Before shooting anything. I felt like I had to compete with Kenny since he was way better as shooting. I couldn't bring myself to shoot a living thing. During the trip, Cartman told us a campfire story about Scuzzlebutt, a creature with a piece of celery on one hand and Patrick Duffy for a leg. We didn't believe a word of it.
We didn't know about the Volcano erupting. It wasn't supposed to be erupting at all. There's conspiracies about the aliens doing it somehow. Cartman dressed up as Scuzzlebutt to scare us and damn I almost shot him. I'm glad I didn't but still. Still I hesitated just long enough for him to remove the head of the costume. It was at this time the crew arrived. They began digging trenches hoping that would help and clearing people out. The Volcano was erupting. We were trapped by the Lava and thought for sure we would die, but then. A Miracle. Scuzzlebutt showed up. He was real. I didn't know this at the time, but Scuzzlebutt was from the nearby Imagination Land[3]. He had been allowed to travel to save his creator's life and he did. I thought of shooting him in the head but I couldn't do it. He'd just saved our lives. South Park got out just find but the Lava destroyed Denver. They'd been evacuating the city but still many people were killed and more were left homeless. South Park was flooded with people from Denver now.
-Private journal of Stan Marsh.
"So..turns out my dog is gay. I wasn't sure how to feel about it at first. Was taught Homosexuality is evil, but I learned that…well it wasn't. It's been around for thousands of years and isn't this brand new thing. This dude named Big gay Al takes with his own animal sanctuary taught me all about it.
On a more depressing note, the Middle Park Team Mascot was blown up by a bomb during a game. It was sad and sudden, but fortunately no one else was killed. John Stamos's brother Richard Stamos was singing a High F Note at half time when the explosion happened."
-Private journal of Stan Marsh.
We went on a Field Trip to a Genetic Engineering lab owned by . He was doing some extraordinary things. He seemed weirdly obsessed with how many butts something could have. Always saying "More butts". I don't get it. We asked him if he could mix Elephant and Potbelly Pig to make a pet Elephant. He said those two don't mix. He took each of our DNAs. I didn't know it at the time, but he cloned me. He kept the clone like an animal in a cage. I wish I could switch places with the clone. My sister Shelley had just gotten braces and a new headgear and she would keep beating me up out of anger. Even gave me a black eye. They saw me with a black eye at school and I told them the truth. So they sent some people from the school to check and well they told Shelley to stop and it seemed to work. At least for awhile[4].
-Private journal of Stan Marsh.
"It was Grampa's 102nd Birthday. He was born on September 17, 1895. It's kind of crazy to think he saw World War I, World War II, the Cold War and all that. Sad thing is he wanted to die, and he wanted me to kill him and I kept telling him no. There was a man that was claiming to be Jesus. Everyone said he could perform miracles and he had a way of speaking that moved people. I asked him. He seemed wise and told me that Grampa's time would come soon on its own and that he should not try to end his own life as suicide was blasphemy and would condemn him to Limbo and having someone kill him would condemn that person[5]."
-Private journal of Stan Marsh.
"There's this new show called Terrance and Phillip. My mom hated it and tried tall the fart jokes and tried to get John Warsog to pulled it from Cartoon Central[6] and picketed against their headquarters in New York. Ironically most adults found it funny even as they protested it. Because mom was out protesting I was left home alone and hanged out with my friends though. Kenny got really bad Diarrhea and it spread all over the town…heh…."
-Private Journal of Kyle Broflovski
"Death finally came for Grampa. Literally. Kenny claimed to have been able to see him coming and tried to stop him but only went through him. To us he was just trying to hit empty air. He says Death spoke to him in a dark voice he though sounded kinda like Norm McDonald. He told Kenny that it was not his time and that one day Kenny's gift would be taken away and he would finally be allowed to die peacefully, before he took Grampa's life. He seemed happy. A smile on his corpse."
-Private journal of Stan Marsh.
"Well they pulled Terrance and Phillip, which was a Canadian import show. Then they replaced it with reruns of Suzanne Somer's She's the Sheriff which all the parents thought was just as bad. So they went straight back to protesting."
-Private Journal of Kyle Broflovski
"The Russian Mir Station fell to Earth. Most of it burned up but we heard that a chunk of it fell and killed Kenny. It was around Halloween. Kenny came back of course, dressed as a Zombie, which I thought was bad taste. I was Raggedy Andy. It was supposed to be a team costume with Wendy but she went as Chewbacca without telling me. Kyle went too but he changed his costume to a vampire since so many people had Chewbacca masks. Chef was Michael Jackson from Thriller. Cartman came as Hitler but he got in trouble for it. They gave him a Ghost Costume which be accident ended up looking like a Klu Klux Klan robe.
While Kenny was able to retrieve his body last time and hide it by burying it. He couldn't now because Government agents were crawling all over the ruins of the Space Station. No one was reported to have died. We didn't know this at the time but the Government had a hold on Kenny's body. They knew that he was still waking around and they somehow had an identical body[7].
"Here In the Heart of Africa, children are dying. Not from disease or war but from Hunger."
A shot of several sad disturbingly skinny children were shown.
"I'm Sally Struthers."
Sally Struthers came on screen. She was a fairly large woman.
Stan: Who's that?
Kyle: That's Sally Struthers. She was on Full House[8].
Sally Struthers: Here in the middle of Africa, Food Is extremely scarce.
Stan: Doesn't look like she's having any trouble finding food.
Kyle: Yeah she's fatter than Cartman.
"We decided we would send some money to Ethiopia. We wanted a sports watch you get if you donate. We got it but also got an unexpected reward. A free trip to Ethiopia. Yeah it was one of those sweepstakes things. We would even meet Sally Struthers. Honestly we were more interested by a friend we made on our trip. They tried to hide the starving kids from us and take us sightseeing but one kid slipped by. His name was Mabin, but we misheard him as Marvin, so he was nicknamed Starvin Marvin and gave him the food from the Resort in Addis Ababa we were staying on. The experience changed Cartman. He prayed to god. He realized just how privileged he was. Then Cartman, by complete accident, sneaked away from the tour group and caught Sally Struthers eating food intended for the starving people. Part of the Food Drive. Cartman exposed her and the Ethiopian people arrested her[9].
Back in South Park, we ended up missing something. 's mutant turkeys broke free and went on a rampage. Chef rallied the town to fight them and they won. Of course, a clone of me snuck out.
-Private journal of Stan Marsh.
"Mom got me removed from taking part in the School Christmas Play. The School tried to make the Christmas Celebration more "PC" so that no one would get offended. I was feeling alone. That's when I started to see . I was pretty sure I made him up when I was younger. He was a talking piece of Poo with magical powers. Like Scuzzlebutt he came from Imagination Land, but he just told me that my belief in him brought him to life. He kept disappearing whenever other people came, until they were about to commit me to an insane Asylum, then did reveal himself to everyone before he disappeared"
-Private Journal of Kyle Broflovski
"The British Ambassador Damien Thorn came to South Park. It wasn't clear why but he approached the main who was claiming to be Jesus and they spoke in private. What they discussed wasn't known at the time. We'd all find out soon enough. It was around the time of Cartman's birthday on July 1st, 1998. We couldn't have known that they were discussing the coming end of the world[10].
-Private journal of Stan Marsh.
"So you were probably wondering who replaced . Well the answer was he was replaced with Ms. Natasha Ellen. You know, the chick, from Species[11]. Yeah she was in a movie. I actually had a crush on her. We all did. Of course she didn't feel the same way. Wendy got jealous. Besides Chef already wooed her. He'd tried to woo Kathy Lee but that…hadn't worked out. Chef told us all she was Lesbian, but we didn't know what that mean't. Chef explained it meant she liked other girls. All the boys tried to dress up like girls thinking that would work. That seemed to make Wendy stand off, though she got in trouble for saying the F word in front of her saying "Don't Fuck with me". I won a contest and had dinner with Ms. Ellen. That's when she told me she didn't love me, and I accepted it. I didn't know Wendy was watching.
The next day I received a package in the mail. When I found it I screamed. It was 's head."
I called the police, but it would be a long time before the criminal was thought. It seemed to be the work of Iraqi terrorists.
-Private journal of Stan Marsh.
"I had a horrible feeling about Wendy. Stan hadn't noticed but I did see how she acted around , so I went to talk to her. I asked her if she had something to do with it. She said no, but she did shout into the air with a creepy smile "I told her…Don't Fuck with Wendy Testaburger!"
I was terrified of her, but I think I convinced her I didn't suspect a thing. She didn't seem to worry about me figuring anything out. I couldn't prove it, but I decided I would try to find out just how she did it. I was afraid if I went to the police without proof it would tip her off and Wendy would have me killed. I would have to go in alone, for now[12]."
-Private Journal of Kyle Broflovski
"We were on an archeological trip and Cartman found a mysterious Triangle. The guide said it had Anasazi writing. Cartman said it seemed to be calling to him and we gave it to the guides. It was this big famous find. Celebrities began to come to South Park. First there was Barbara Streisand, then Leonard Martin. He was a film critic. Then there was actor Sidney Poitier. Then there was Robert Smith of the cure. All of them were looking for Barbara Streisand, but she seemed to just vanish. Evidently, they were looking for the triangle, but it wasn't in South Park, anymore, it was in a government facility near Denver that had survived the eruption. They were trying to find out just how to activate it, hoping to use it against the aliens.
We heard of a break in at the facility. It was Cartman's idea to go there. He thought the triangle was his and wanted to make sure it wasn't destroyed. So we went there to find the army base under attack by what looked like Aliens. These weren't the greens quid like Rigellians or the grey black eye visitors. These were monkey men, like something out of "Stop the Planet of the Apes I want to Get off!" Apparently they were called the Simians. We didn't want to get ourselves killed so we hanged back as the shooting continued between he Simians and the army. We didn't know what they were doing there. Then we found out.
A Giant Mechanical Monster rose from the ground. We made a run for it back to the car Chef had drove us there in. We'd heard of it, but it was a different thing to see it.
It was Mechagodzilla.
So I did a little research here, but it seems that the Simians used Mechagodzilla to attack the Earth back in the 1970's. Now Mechagodzilla apparently needed to be linked up to a human, making that person a cyborg. They didn't need the permission of the person unlucky enough to be picked . The Simians were working with the Rigellians, so they provided the unfortunate human. Said human was Barbra Streisand. Her singing hand activist work had helped Clinton get elected and she kept meeting with him. This meant one time after he was replaced by an alien. After that she just disappeared. They sent an alien to replace her but a few of her celebrity friends realized something was wrong when she was acting so strange. The Simians were a lot better at pretending to be human than the Rigellians. Eventually they spied on her and bugged her apartment and found out the truth, tracking her down.
Mechagodzilla headed West towards California and Japan. Fortunately, there was a way to stop her. It was called Operation: Monster Island. It basically meant we put all the monsters on one Island with a force field around it. Every once in a while they'd let one out to fight another monster. I wasn't sure if Godzilla was in there, but they did let out a few monsters to fight Mechagodzilla. The first was Ultraman. I had to look up most of this, but apparently they say it was Shin Hayata, the original Ultraman who went into battle that day. He wasn't alone. Gamera and Mothra showed up to help too. We saw it on TV but it was amazing to see such an awesome Kaiju battle. It ended when Ultraman ripped off the Triangle of Pantheos thing and then Gamera lifted Mechagodzilla….or is it Mecha Streisand?…into space where it exploded. Its was awesome!…I mean it's sad Barbara Streisand died but still. Robert Smith even performed for us. I was at the concert and shouted "Disintegration is the best Album Ever!" and it actually made him cry. I saw the tear go down his face! I swear I didn't make it up![13]"
-Private Journal of Kyle Broflovski
"So me, Stan and Kenny went to check on Cartman one day and found him having tea park in his backyard. We decided to record it. A father and son Day was coming up and Cartman didn't have a father. So he went on a mission to find out who he was. His mom said that his father was a Native America she met at the 12th annual drunken Barn Dance. His name was Chief Running Water. Cartman went to meet him, claiming to be his son. Running Water told him that Cartman's mother was "Bear with wide canyon" "Doe who cannot keep legs together"…So a Slut. Turns out she never slept with Chief Running Water. She went to Chef next. Cartman went to Chef, who admitted he never did and she went after instead. Cartman went to visit in the asylum. Garrison snapped at him with "Og course I slept with your mom, who the hell hasn't!". This sort of just sinked in for Cartman and he almost gave up until told him he could perform a DNA test to determine his father but it would cost $3000. We heard about this and submitted the tape of Cartman to America's Stupidest Home Videos and we won the $10,000 grand prize. Cartman was furious at us but also happy. We got to keep $7,000, which we split between us. We each got $1,750 since Cartman was just going to use his 3,000 to find out who his father was. Every possible candidate from the 1987 drunken Barn Dance came together. Cartman, his mom Liane, us, all potential fathers and even the 1989 Denver Broncos because they were at the party.
And Cartman's father was…
Footnotes
[1] In the Original Episode, Garrison missed because Cartman's weight caused the stage to collapse, making him miss Gifford. Sadly, the stage would presumably be made to support Cartman's weight and Gifford takes a bullet to the head.
[2] The origin of Kenny's immortality was not revealed until episode 13 of the 14th season of the original show "Coon vs Coon and Friends" in 2010. Here it comes to light much earlier, as even if no one remembers he dies, there's been moments were characters show awareness of it and Video tape of his deaths has been shown to exist.
[3] Imagination Land is from the Season 11, three part trilogy of episodes of the same name. Since it appears to be near South Park, its been used to justify the existence of many magical creatures here since anything imagined appears in Imagination Land. It will be complex but fun to do when I get to it in 2007 since so many fictional characters appear.
[4] This Episode "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig" is different in many ways as the plot is kicked off by giving a class assignment to genetically engineer a creature, which since he killed Kathie Lee Gifford, he's nowhere near able to do.
[5] Grampa's 102, it seemed fair to just let him die. Jesus's comments here are both more in line with what his philosophy would be and things he says later in South Park, such as admitting that suicide is blasphemy.
[6] Cartoon Central is from the episode Death and airs Terrance and Phillip. As the name suggests it is a combination of Cartoon Network and Comedy Central, though Terrance and Phillip is a live action show. John Warsog being based on Comedy Central executive Doug Herzog.
[7] In the Episode "Pink Eye" Worcestershire Sauce mixed with Embalming Fluid reanimates Kenny's body and he becomes a Zombie. The impossibility of this occurring butterflies away this, but don't worry. We'll have plenty of chances to see Zombies again.
[8] This is incorrect. Sally Struthers was on All in the Family, not Full House, though I leave it up to interpretation here if this statement is true in this Universe or just Kyle getting it wrong.
[9] A bit altered version of the events of Starvin Marvin' since the plot involved Marvin' being sent to South Park by mistake and then Cartman being sent to Ethiopia by mistake, which are both implausible normally. As such the boys go to Ethiopia instead.
[10] The Episode "Damien" featured a young boy named Damien as the son of Satan and Satan and Jesus having a boxing match. Here I just went with canonizing the Omen but not the third film "The Final Conflict" which killed Damien Off. This means Damien is now an adult and is ready to begin the Apocalypse and final battle with Jesus...in 1999!"
[11] Natasha Henstridge, who by that point had recently appeared in Species, voiced and is credited as "The Chick from Species". I chose to take this literally and say that Ms. Ellen starred in Species in this universe.
[12] Wendy had this woman murdered in the original, albeit having Arabic mercenaries do it. Since its questionable how she got them besides she speaks Arabic. Here it's more of a mystery and naturally Kyle isn't going to just forget the next episode that his best friend's girlfriend murdered someone. Don't mess with Wendy Testaburger indeed.
[13] The original "Mecha-Streisand" episode had the celebrities turn into the monsters. I decided to add the Monsters parodied in the episode, namely Ultraman, Gamera and Mothra as well as Mecha-Godzilla. Fortunately Mecha Godzilla is actually controlled by a human cyborg in his second appearance in Terror of Mechagodzilla. As such to make Mecha-Streisand a reality, she became the Cyborg component. Making her the third female celebrity to die in this update, which is unintentional and unfortunate. Finally Robert Smith's tear at what Kyle sense echoes Robert Smith's reaction to watching the episode after guess starring. He found Kyle's comment touching and it reflects the view of the show's two creators.
[14] South Park of course intentionally made who Cartman's father was a cliffhanger and I'm doing the same. One notable change is in the original episode Grampa Marsh made a video of Kenny's death that got first place and the video they submitted got second. With grampa Marsh dead, they win first place.
