Chapter 75
Jessie spent a short period of time in the bedroom crying. And once she was all cried out, she puttered around the room, tidying up, before heading into the bathroom to clean her face.
While she knew Bobby would understand why she was upset, she felt like she needed to be strong. But this time, it wasn't out of some misguided notion that she had to be brave to be taken seriously. She didn't want Bobby feeling worse than she already knew he did. She knew him well enough to know he was hurting and somehow blamed himself for her trip to hell. She also knew there would be no convincing him of otherwise, and trying would probably just make it worse. It was going to be a touchy subject so she decided it was best to leave it alone unless he brought it up. And if he didn't, then she would keep her mouth shut.
When Jessie walked back downstairs, she could smell that Bobby was cooking. She couldn't tell what it was by the smell, but she was hungry enough to even eat his cooking. She had only had a minimal breakfast and all the crying she had done had made her feel famished.
She walked through the kitchen door with a smile as she saw him standing at the stove. "What'cha cooking?"
He turned around slightly. "Food. Now sit."
She eyed him suspiciously. "Is it that bad?"
He rolled his eyes slightly, turning around towards his task once again.
Jessie giggled quietly then sat down at her usual spot at the table.
"Would you like to talk about Meg now?" she asked once she'd sat down.
He turned to glance at her quickly. "We can talk about it after we eat. I'm starving and you're probably hungry."
It wasn't until he said he was starving that she noticed he'd lost a decent amount of weight since the last time she really noticed him. She opened her mouth to make a comment about it, then thought better of it. She knew it was probably her fault and bringing attention to it would just serve to upset him.
She only waited a couple of minutes before he set a plate before her. The plate had an omelette on it with mushrooms, onions and cheese. One of her favorites. And even though she felt like making a smart ass remark, she refrained. Instead thanking him for the food. She then closed her mouth and began to eat.
"This was delicious," she said as she finished her last forkful.
Bobby was now sitting at the table in front of his own plate of food.
"I'm glad you like it," he said, then continued eating.
As she stood up with her plate to take it to the sink, he eyed her suspiciously.
"What are you doing, young lady?" he asked with a mouthful of food.
"I'm cleaning up," she replied innocently. "That's what any polite person would do after someone has cooked for them."
"Guess that would explain why the boys hardly ever clean up after themselves," he replied with smile. "But I said I was going to spoil you, so I don't want you cleaning. Got it?"
"I thought you were kidding about that," she said with a shrug.
"I don't want you to worry about anything," he said with a serious, but caring look. "The boys'll be back soon, so there'll be plenty of time to stress about things. For right now, I want you to just relax. Do you think you can do that?"
"Fine," she said with a shrug. "Can I at least cook dinner?"
"Nope," he replied quickly. "I don't have much food in the house so I'm ordering pizza."
She decided to let him have his win and agreed to whatever it was he wanted. She knew he was happy she was back and wanted to make sure she knew. However, she wasn't quite sure what to do with her time. And not only that, Bobby's house was a mess and she didn't like it. Looking at it made her anxious. But a promise was a promise. So she retrieved her laptop, taking it into the livingroom, threw some news station on the tv and began doing some research on her laptop.
Bobby hovered in and out of the room the entire afternoon, but said very little. She wasn't sure, but it seemed like something was going on that he didn't want her to know about. Of course, she did consider she might be a little paranoid. However, it wouldn't be the first time he had acted like that when he was up to something he didn't want her to know about. But she also considered he might just be making sure she was relaxing. It was just so difficult for her to believe there wasn't something going on, because there usually was.
It was in the late afternoon when Bobby finally came into the livingroom to speak with Jessie about her meeting with the demon, Meg. He sat down on the opposite end of the couch from her, asked her to explain the meeting, then sat back and listened.
"I guess I'm not really surprised she would ask you for help," he said when she was finished speaking.
"You're not?" she said with surprise. "Am I the only one surprised by it?"
"I'm sure Meg thinks you have some insight into him that she doesn't," he replied as he scratched his beard absentmindedly. "It seems like a smart move."
She shook her head and sighed. "But what makes her think that I would help her after all that she's done to me?"
He shrugged lightly. "Maybe she thinks your hatred for him would be stronger than your hatred for her."
As she began to ponder the question to whom she hated more, her mind began to wander to her time in hell.
"Jessie," Bobby called loudly.
"Huh?" she answered in confusion as she snapped back to reality.
"Are you okay? he asked with worry. "You seemed far away."
"Yeah, I'm fine," she replied unconvincingly.
Bobby looked at her with worry, his brow furrowing deeply. "You know if there is anything, and I mean anything, you need to talk about, you can talk to me about it."
She smiled lightly. "Thank you, Bobby. Really. But, uh, my mind just wandered to my time in hell. I'm not willing to talk about it."
He smiled lightly and nodded. "I get that, I do. But if there is anything you need to talk about, I want you to know you can trust me. I think I failed you in this regard in the past. I don't want to do that again."
"What?" she said in confusion. "What do you mean you failed me in the past? That's not true."
"Is it though?" he asked gently. "Maybe if I had been more open and easier to talk to, uh, things would've been different."
"Bobby, please," she said softly as she slid down the couch to sit beside him and took his hands, gazing into his eyes. "There is nothing you could've done. Nothing. I don't want you to keep blaming yourself for any of this. I made my own decisions and I doubt you could've stopped me from making these mistakes."
He squeezed her hands lightly and sighed. "You don't know that, Jess. It's easy for you to say that no one could've changed your mind. But I have never been the easiest person to talk to. I think if I had, maybe you would've confided in me more. Maybe things would've been different."
Tears began to well up in her eyes, even as she tried fighting them. "I can't have you blaming yourself for any of this. I won't. I didn't once listen to your advice. It's my own fault and there is nothing you could've done."
"You're sweet trying to make this old man feel better," he said with a smile. "But I failed you in so many ways. Nothing you say is going to make it otherwise."
Jessie let go of Bobby's hands so she could wrap her arms around him, burying her head into his chest and began to sob lightly. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, a few stray tears of his own falling from his eyes. He held her tightly until her sobbing had eased. Loosening his grip only when she pulled away to wipe tears from her reddened eyes.
"Bobby," she began, sniffling. "Both of us have regrets. And nothing we do or say can change what happened in the past. But I need you to know that you have always been the one person I could depend on to do what was right for me."
"Jessie..."
"No, please let me finish," she begged, waiting until he nodded in agreement before continuing. "I should have said this to you a long time ago. Besides Mike, you've been the only other person in my life that I could depend on to do what was needed to help me. You've made some tough decisions that I know hurt you deeply. But they were the right decisions. Everyone else in my life has failed me. My parents. My grandparents. Even Sam. I can't have you continuing to blame yourself for something you couldn't have changed. You've been the only who hasn't failed me."
He beamed proudly, even as tears began to well up in his eyes and his vision was blurred. "You have no idea how that makes me feel to hear that, Jess. I thought you might hate me, or at the least be angry with me."
"What?!" she exclaimed in surprise. "Why would you even think that?"
He absentmindedly wiped at a tear that had ran down his cheek. "Where should I start?"
"Okay, let me stop you right there," she said, raising her hand up to make her point. "If this is about the demon blood, we're way past that."
"No," he replied quietly. "There's so much more than that."
She glanced at him with a supportive smile, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Well, I guess since we've said so much already, you might as well get it all out. Then we can move on."
"And hopefully not do this ever again?" he asked with the slightest hint of a grin.
"Of course," she said, slightly grinning back.
He smiled then took on a more serious look. "I really don't know where to start," he said with a shrug. "But I guess, uh, I could've tried harder to not let the state take your son from us."
"Bobby, please," she said with tears threatening again. "You did the right thing."
He looked at her questioningly and with surprise. "No, I didn't," he said with a slow nod of his head. "I really didn't."
"Bobby..." she began to interrupt.
"No. You're gonna listen to me now," he said looking sternly for a quick moment before his look softened again. "When you, uh, died, there was so much anger, pain and regret to go around. Maybe if it had only been me, maybe things would've been different. But Sam, when he wasn't so angry he terrified me, he was almost despondent. And Dean was beside himself. You know he feels like the protector, so he felt like he failed Sam and me. He had no idea how to help either of us." He paused for a moment, swallowing hard. "None of us knew how to look after a baby. Hell, we can barely look after ourselves half the time. And as much as we loved the little guy, I think it was easier for all of us that the state took him."
She looked away for many moments, pondering everything he said.
Although both Sam and Bobby had promised to protect her son in any way possible, she couldn't really blame either of them for not wanting to look after him after she died. She wanted to blame them, it would make her feel better about how she had failed everyone. Distract her from the regret from all the mistakes she had made. But she knew that wasn't fair to anyone, especially herself. She knew she had made some serious mistakes and the only way she could move past them was to own up to them and move on.
"I can't really blame you for that," she said quietly while shaking her head. "Once again, that was my fault."
"For what? Dying?" he said with shock. "How was that your fault?"
She shrugged her shoulders unable to come up with an answer that would satisfy him.
"Well, I'm glad we're having a chance to talk all of this out. Maybe now you can throw out the guilt and regret you're holding on to."
She shook her head lightly in denial. "I wish it was that simple, Bobby."
"It can be that simple, if you want it to be," he said with a supportive smile.
She returned the smile, but it was only half-heartedly. "Bobby, every single decision that led up to my death was made by me. No one else."
"You can't go on blaming yourself for being killed," he replied gently.
"But I can," she said, suddenly looking across the room at nothing in particular, while tears began building in her eyes. "All of this started with me. If I hadn't been a coward..."
"Coward?" he said questioningly. "What are you talking about?"
She wiped the corners of her eyes with her hand before the tears would have a chance to fall down her face. "You know what I mean, Bobby. I should've followed through with having an abortion."
"What? You don't mean that," he said with shock.
"It's true, though," she replied with a light shrug and a shake of her head. "I didn't go through with it at that moment because I was afraid. It had nothing to do with love or guilt or anything like that. I didn't want a baby at that moment, if ever. And the only reason I didn't do it was because I was afraid."
He reached and grabbed her hand firmly, gazing into her eyes with a sorrowful look. "You know that's just hindsight talking, right?"
She averted her gaze, looking sadly.
"You may have thought of it for a brief moment, but you couldn't do it. And that has nothing to do with cowardice," he said gently.
She gazed down at his hand, which was still holding hers. "Maybe, you're right," she said with a shrug of her shoulders. "But you can't tell me we wouldn't all be better off if he hadn't been born."
"No. I can't tell you that," he said as he nodded his head. "You know as well as I do that something else could have happened if he hadn't been born. Maybe you or one of the boys would've died to a ghost, a vampire or maybe even a demon. You have no idea." He paused for a moment, hoping she would look up at him once again. When she didn't, he took his hand and gently lifted her chin so he could look into her eyes. "Look, you can't go on blaming everything on yourself. You just can't. You made some mistakes, yes. But not everything you do, or have done, is a mistake. We all made mistakes. And we'll all make mistakes again. It's what we do to repair those mistakes that matter."
Jessie was silent for many moments before sighing lightly. "Bobby, I appreciate you saying that, but some mistakes are just too bad to come back from."
He smiled supportively. "You're right. But you haven't made any of those."
She raised her eyebrow dubiously. "Are you forgetting I sold my soul?"
"No," he said with a shake of his head. "But you're here now."
She felt a deep pang of guilt hit her at those words. She knew her trip out of hell had not been free, yet she couldn't tell him that. If it hadn't been for her agreeing to Cas's terms, she would still be in hell. Yet as bad as it was to sell her soul to the King of Hell, pretty much selling it to an angel wasn't any better. She worried it was going to be one of those mistakes she couldn't come back from. Of course she couldn't mention any of this to him, so she smiled and said, "I'm glad to be here with you."
He smiled, released her hand and then hugged her tightly for a few moments before standing up from the couch.
"We've been talking an awfully long time," he said somewhat awkwardly. "Pizza should be here soon. I'm gonna go tidy up." And with that, he left for the kitchen.
After he was gone, Jessie sighed deeply, leaning back on the couch, returning to the thoughts in her head. She was so happy that she had been able to talk to Bobby about things that usually made him uncomfortable. But at the same time it made her feel badly that she was once again keeping secrets. She often wondered what would've happened if she had turned down Cas's offer. But it was too late for that now. And thinking about another mistake was just making her feel awful. And she didn't want to feel that way, especially in front of Bobby. He seemed to think he'd convinced her everything would be okay and she didn't want to take that away from him. She'd already hurt him enough. Hurting him more, especially right now, was not something she was willing to do.
It was several minutes later, when she heard loud rustling coming from the kitchen. Her curiosity made her get up from the couch and go investigate, even though she knew he would call her when he was ready. However, her suspicious nature wouldn't allow her to wait until then. And if he had really wanted her to wait, he should've said so.
As if he knew she was there, he yelled for her not to come in as she approached the kitchen door. She sighed and reluctantly agreed, but stayed at the door to wait. It was only a minute later when he finally yelled for her to come in.
When she opened the door her jaw practically dropped to the floor. Bobby was standing by the table which was covered in plates with several different foods and they all seemed to be her favorites.
"What's this, Bobby?" she asked with shock and suspicion.
He smiled widely. "I said I was going to spoil ya, didn't I?"
"But, this?" she said, pointing to the table.
"Did you really think I was just going to get you pizza?"
She pursed her lips, unsure of what to say.
He chuckled lightly, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Just wait until you see dessert."
Tears of happiness welled up in her eyes, even as she tried to keep them back. This was the nicest thing Bobby had ever done for her. It was notably more special because he had remembered some of her absolutely most favorite foods. She had no idea he had paid that much attention to her or that he knew her this well.
After a moment of awe, she hugged him tightly, which surprised him. But once he was no longer stunned, he told her to sit down at the table. She did exactly as he asked, sitting down in her usual spot at the table. Bobby brought a half full wine glass to the table moments later.
"I don't know much about wine, but the clerk at the store told me this one was decent so..." he said, trailing off as he handed the glass to her.
Jessie took the glass with a smile and placed it down on the table beside her plate. She could tell that he had gone through a lot of trouble, and money, to do such a nice thing for her. But as was her nature, it was difficult to just accept he had done a nice thing without questioning the why. However, she didn't want to upset him. So she wasn't quite sure what she should say. She eventually decided it would be best if she just thanked him and kept the rest of her thoughts to herself.
"Thank you, Bobby," she said with a smile as he sat down at the table with her. "I don't know what I did to deserve this, but I appreciate it."
He smiled and told her to eat, then began to spoon food onto his plate.
Jessie followed suit, spooning a little bit of everything on to her plate. She then began to eat, feeling slightly uncomfortable with the silence. But it didn't take long before Bobby began making small talk, mostly about some cases he'd worked recently. She did her best to ask follow up questions so there wasn't too much silence. And since she had nothing much to talk about, it was the only way to keep the conversation going.
When they were finished eating, Bobby kicked her out of the kitchen to clean up. She headed into the livingroom, sat on the couch and began flipping through TV stations looking for a good movie to watch. Preferably one Bobby would want to watch as well.
It was about ten minutes later when Bobby popped out of the kitchen. When he entered the livingroom, he was carrying two large bowls. he handed one to Jessie, then sat down on the couch beside her.
"Is this strawberry shortcake?" she asked with delight.
"Uh huh," he said with a grin.
"Oh my god, Bobby," she said with a bright smile. "I'm gonna get so fat."
He chuckled. "I know you can't pass up strawberries."
She smiled then began to eat her dessert. She was full from dinner, but he was right, she couldn't pass up strawberries. But not only that, he had done such a wonderful and thoughtful thing for her, she would do her best to make him happy. Not that it took any work on her part. Everything was amazing.
After they had both finished eating their dessert, and placed their bowls on the coffee table, things became slightly awkward and silent. Jessie had nothing to really talk about. She had already spoken about everything she was comfortable speaking about since she'd come back. And small talk was not something she enjoyed.
The two of them sat quiet for several minutes, both focusing their full attention on the movie Jessie had chosen for them to watch. When a commercial break came on, Bobby turned to Jessie with a serious look and said, "There's something I've been meaning to tell you."
Jessie looked at him bewildered for a moment, wondering why he would still have something important to say after they had just had a long talk.
"I, uh, tried telling you this the other day but, we got interrupted," he said, tugging nervously at his beard.
"What is it?" she asked with concern.
"It's nothing to worry about," he said nervously, his eyes kinda darting from hers then away and back again. "Just something I should've told you a long time ago."
She nodded her head but said nothing since he seemed uneasy.
"I, uh.."
Was all he managed to say when he heard his kitchen door slam and the sound of men's voices.
"Balls!" Bobby said as he excused himself and flew into the kitchen.
A/N: So sorry it's taken so long to get this written. Been having some writer's block. Like I've said in the past, I've always known where this story is going, it's the in between parts that's difficult sometimes. Also, sometimes it's difficult to remember the exact details of where I was going with something because I started writing this so many years ago and took such a long break. I am gonna do my best to finish this though.
