Chapter 1.
Which one of us.
It's not much of a life you're living,
It's not just something you take, it's given...
The alarm was set at 6 o'clock every morning. She didn't understand why she always woke up before the loud bass started. Eventually, she just stopped looking for a reason and just laid in her bed waiting and willing the time to tick faster, staring at the nothingness. She stretched her limbs and took a very deep breath that almost hurt to exhale. Her mind, a cluster of vivid memories she sometimes wished could forget.
She knew it would never happen.
It has been almost three years since that time of her life, and the weekends still weren't her favourite days. It still held a certain melancholy and sadness, but mostly, resentment. The problem was that she seemed unable to shake off those feelings despite countless therapy sessions, the presence and company of her friends and family, or what she did to fill those days. Days slowly turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and they still seemed to pass mechanically, going through the motions out of custom. She had learned how to live that way, vacant, even though she had a comfortable living and she loved what she did for it.
She would never, ever, admit it out loud, but sometimes she found solace in imagining a future she knew she would never have. She selflessly imagined what would her life would be now, what would she be doing, had she finally started working at what she enjoyed? She hope she could smile and laugh freely again. She held hope for her, even if she felt there was no hope left for herself. It was a masochistic escape of sorts that help her quell the resentment she harbored, masterly hidden deep inside her heart and soul.
It worked most days.
Today, a summer Friday, wasn't one of them. It was a special day, nonetheless. Her thirty fifth birthday.
The loud tone pierced through the quiet of her bedroom, the darkest space of a house she couldn't call home but that offered comfort in her chosen solitude. She kicked the covers off her body, and planted her feet on the cool flooring, feeling it grounding her for a bit before doing her morning routine to get ready and go out for her usual half an hour run.
I threw my hands in the air, said, "Show me something",
She said, "If you dare, come a little closer"
"What are you doing here?" She asked nervously but through a wide smile and looked around before stepping aside to let her in, casting another quick glance outside, just to be sureā¦
She chuckled, quiet, and moved without hurry to kiss her tenderly for a very long moment against the door, trying to convey how she felt into her lips. Both sighed with closed eyes, resting their foreheads together until she let herself whisper, "I'm sorry, but I needed to see you, even if it is for just a moment,"
"How can you do it, how can that be enough?" She looked intently into her piercing eyes while wondering aloud, with a little sorrow shading her tone. It became too much and she had to look down, observing their entwined hands and the contrast of their skin tones. The already rapid beating of her heart increased when she felt arms around her, and the tightening hold on her body slowly unraveled her once more, unable to resist any longer. It was obvious, excruciatingly so, to both women that each passing day was getting harder to hide something that felt so vast and looming at the same time.
She tenderly held her face with a finger under her chin, willing her to look straight into her eyes again, and whispered, delicately pressing her forehead against hers "It has to be. It's better than nothing at all."
A broken sigh was heard as an answer while her hands began wandering. Joining their mouths again desperately, the kiss turned fiery and passionate, she let herself go completely, willing the other woman to do the same, slow and quiet on her living room couch.
Between those walls, they were able to be only them. Just them, freely.
To the rest of the world, it was wrong. Dishonest. Sinful.
But why didn't it feel that way? Why? It was unfair.
Round and around and around and around we go
Now tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know...
Her legs were burning, the hard pavement barely making a sound as she ran as fast as she could around the well-known tracks. This was one of those days where there was no music blaring through her airpods, effectively distracting her from her own thoughts like any other day. Sweat had dampened her sports top and the worn college shirt she had kept as a dear token.
She wondered for how long she would have to be on the run from something that happened so unexpectedly, and was once so cherished; but at the same time, something that made her change everything about herself and her way of view life as it once was. It wasn't a mistake because she knew what she was doing, consciously, the consequences of their actions. She knew what she was taking and she knew what it all meant for herself and the other woman. She took and gave away so much, not saving anything for herself and didn't care about it until it was too late. The worst part was that she had the agonizing certainty she wasn't the only one carrying such unbearable burden.
Why?
The question repeated on her mind, almost on a loop, as she tried in vain to answer it, yet again. Her legs were giving out and she was painfully aware of that. She had to stop as she was on the verge of falling and breaking something more than her heart.
Her breathing was fast, short and ragged as she was doubled over, her legs cramping with the exertion. She collapsed to the hard surface while her tired lungs were trying to intake as much air as they were able to.
Not caring about the curious and concerned looks she was getting, she had to completely lie down, her back uncomfortably sticking to the cool ground. A jogger passing by stopped beside her and asked her if she needed help. She didn't open her eyes to dismiss him politely, saying she was just tired from the workout.
There was no way she could walk all the way back to her house, so she stayed down for a few more minutes, thirsty, until she was able to embarrassingly stand on her own again. She willed herself to stretch, which was an excruciating task on itself and walked on slow but determined steps outside the park to hail a cab.
She didn't realize she started crying on the short ride, the tears just began falling down her face until one rolled down to the tip of her nose and she was startled, as if a cold bucket of ice water was thrown at her. As soon as she was inside her house, she slid to the floor with her back against the hardwood door and started crying harder with desolation. Her hands clutched at her chest, feeling her heart million pieces, each one heavy and sharp with memories and longing.
She didn't know for how long she just sat there, feeling numb, hopeless. She hated to feel that way still sometimes, out of nowhere. She needed to stop feeling that immense void in her heart, in her soul. She had to do something, but she didn't know what to do anymore. She had tried everything. Why did she have to feel that way after all this time? It wasn't fair and she was just too tired.
"You know I will always love you the most."
Fuck!" She hollered into the space, her voice hoarse. She rubbed her face with her left hand and groaned loudly when she glanced at the clock on the wall. She was already late.
With a heavy heart and body, she made her way to the bedroom, shedding her clothes to the bathroom floor. She turned the shower on and got in without thinking about the coldness of the water. Standing with her head hanging low under the relentless spray, the liquid slowly turned warmer until it was almost scalding her skin. Her muscles were gradually relaxing and exhaling with relief. Her eyes were closed as she felt the water washing away the sweat and dirt, and she wished, she wished with all her being, it could wash away the heaviness and sadness of her shattered heart as well.
"Happy birthday, baby." She brokenly murmured as a few tears fell and mixed with the water.
The reason I hold on, 'cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
'Cause when you never see the light,
It's hard to know which one of us is caving...
