"May I have this dance?"
The formal tone, like his crisply starched dress shirt, seems all wrong on Joel. Ellie grins up at him. "Since when do you dance?"
"It's a tradition." He's smiling softly and holding out his hand. Overhead, the lights have dimmed a little, behind the trailing white streamers. The chairs have been cleared from the hall, opening up the dance floor, but the canopy still stands on the far wall, draped in evergreen boughs and wildflowers. The music is softer than it was. Slower.
She takes Joel's hand and lets him pull her to her feet. "This one of those stupid traditions from before the outbreak?"
"Yep. Humor me." He takes her hand in his and curls his arm around her back.
"Just don't step on my toes."
"I make no promises." They rock and circle aimlessly for a few moments, moving through a crowd of other dancers. Dozens of Ellie's very closest friends, apparently.
She accidentally bumps their knees together. "Feels weird doing it backwards," she grumbles.
"My mistake." Joel steps back and puts his right hand in her left, letting her lead. Ellie just snorts. She's had a couple glasses of wine and most of the day's anxieties are slipping away. "You clean up pretty good," Joel says after a moment.
Ellie glances down, hiding a smile. She still can't believe they found white suit pants in her size. "Not too shabby yourself."
"I try."
"Needs a hat, though." She takes the white yarmulke off her head and puts it on his instead. He just smiles.
"So?" he says after a moment, "Not as much of a disaster as you were expecting?"
Ellie considers. "Well, we haven't run out of booze yet."
"That's a plus."
"The canopy didn't fall down on our heads. Maria's Hebrew is apparently terrible, but apart from that, she made a pretty good rabbi."
"Hmm."
"Only got a little bit of glass in my shoe. The rings made it onto the appropriate fingers, despite the ring bearer's best attempts to swallow them."
"All's well that ends well, I guess."
Ellie stares across the room. His attempts at ring-theft foiled, JJ is now as serious and solemn as it's possible for a four-year-old to be. He has his feet on Dina's and his chubby arms stretched up to hold her hands. Her dress is swishing across the floor. She's glowing, in a way that's straight-up unfair. Ellie feels herself turning red. She ducks her head to hide it. "Overall, minimal disasters. Solid seven out of ten."
Joel laughs. "Seven out of ten? For the happiest day of your life?"
"Well, if you want, I can give you an updated rating after the wedding night."
"Please don't."
She smiles and leans into him a little, swaying with the music. She stares for a moment at her hand on his shoulder - at the gold band on her right ring finger.
"Breakin' with tradition a little bit, there."
"Yeah," she whispers, "Well, you know."
His hand slides up to cup the back of her neck. "What's wrong, kiddo?"
The music rolls around them. People spin past, all lost in their own worlds. She tries to smile. "Nothing. Just thinking about last time."
"We didn't dance last time. Or, at least I didn't."
She stares across the room. Right over there. That's where Joel almost beat the shit out of Seth. "It was a kind of dance. We both knew the steps. I was so fucking stupid."
"You weren't. Ellie, tell me what's wrong."
She looks up at his face, then back down, smile fading. "What if I fuck this up?"
"You won't."
"Bullshit. I fucked it up once. I can do it again."
"You don't need to be talkin' like that."
"What if I can't handle it? What if I walk out on them."
"That ain't gonna happen."
"Or, what if . . . what if I decide to punish her? What happens when she pisses me off so much that I just cut her out of my life? Like she never meant anything?"
"Ellie. Do you love her?"
"Yeah."
"Then that's enough. The rest will work itself out."
She shakes her head. "You really gonna pull out the 'love conquers all' bullshit? It's a load of crap. I mean, look at us."
"What about us?"
She looks away, not ready to break the spell. "There's so much I should've done different."
"You're doin' alright. That's what matters."
"We could've had so much more time."
"Don't do this to yourself."
She swallows hard and looks up at his face. "You really don't have any regrets?"
He hesitates, then tucks a lock of hair gently behind her ear. "I'd do it all over again."
"Even if . . . ?"
"Even if."
Her eyes are stinging. She looks away and nods once. She leans her head into his chest, listening to his heartbeat. "I just wish . . ."
"Yeah. Me too."
His arms are warm and solid around her. His heart beats steadily against her ear. She wants to lose herself in that, but after a few moments, he sighs. "Music's stopping."
She shakes her head, eyes closed. "I don't want it to."
"I know, baby girl. I know." He gently nudges her back. He takes the yarmulke off his head and puts it back on hers. "Go dance with your bride. It's time."
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
Ellie wakes all at once. Her eyes are wet. She has to blink a couple times, to clear them.
She sits up in bed and looks down at her hands - at eight fingers and a couple of scarred stumps that could never bear a wedding band. They ache a little today. Like someone's pinching fingernails that aren't there anymore.
She lifts her head and looks around her studio. All of her stuff is in boxes. The only thing not packed is the crisp, white suit laid out on a chair under the window.
The door swings open before she can feel too sorry for herself and Dina bustles in, dressed in sweats, her hair half pinned. "The flowers finally came in. And I think we got the problems with the buffet sorted out, so at least we won't starve. Why the hell aren't you dressed yet?"
Ellie grins and rocks back in bed, covering her eyes. "What are you doing? Isn't this supposed to be terrible luck, or something?"
"I'll take my chances." Dina climbs onto the bed, and Ellie can't help but grin harder when their skin brushes together, when Dina takes her wrists and pulls them back. "Boo!"
Ellie stares up at her - at the warmth of her eyes and the curve of her mouth and the absolute work of art that is her freckled cheeks. She tries to hold onto her smile, but feels it waver.
Dina drops onto her elbow beside her. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Hey." Her fingers skim along Ellie's eyebrow and tuck a wisp of hair behind her ear. "You sure you want to go through with this?"
Ellie swallows and twines three fingers through Dina's. "Are you?"
"Yeah. I am." She lifts Ellie's hand to her lips and kisses her knuckles, just above the stumps. Ellie can't help herself any longer. She grabs Dina's neck and pulls her in for a kiss. Dina's lips are soft against hers. She wants it to last forever. Maybe it will. Maybe.
They have to come up for air. Dina smiles, though her eyes are shining. "Get dressed and don't be late. You know I hate to be kept waiting."
Ellie can only nod.
After Dina leaves and the door closes behind her, Ellie gets up. She picks up the yarmulke and folds it between her hands. She stares out the window, at the big, empty house she sees every day but can't bring herself to enter.
"It's a stupid tradition," she tells Joel quietly, "But, thanks."
fin
