Bemoaning at the Bar


"JOOHN!"

Crawley sat down in front of a slightly inebriated Gordon Ross and ordered himself a pint. This had been his worst day yet. It wasn't even noon yet and he didn't care. "So, what's the news?"

John let out a long sigh. Gordon patted his arm sympathetically. "You know how I thought I had at least four years after Ian got shot?"

Gordon grinned. John took a long draft from his beer. "Yep."

John felt his eye twitch as Gordon's grin widened. Bastard. Fucking bastard. "That was a fucking lie! It was only three weeks! And, of course, a fucking teenager doesn't know how to write fucking reports, so guess who got nominated?!"

Gordon started cackling. Crawley occasionally wondered why he put up with the man. "So, what did the little tyke do? Steal a candy bar?"

Crawley made a noise of distress. Gordon paused in his cackling. "We sent him to investigate Sayle. And, not only did the little shit run into Gregorovich and not call for backup, he killed four or five people! On his first mission! With no weapons! And I have to spin a report from the crap that came out of his mouth!"

Gordon started giggling like a madman. Crawley took another long draft from his beer. "What did he say?"

Crawley glared at Gordon. His knee tended to act up when he was this irritated. He gave into the savage urge to do a falsetto. "Oh, Crawley, you simply must believe me. The two mercenaries Yassen sent after me just fell off a cliff and ran into barbed wire. On accident! I swear! And then, when I collapsed the outrageously-sized fish tank, the Portuguese Man-o-war just happened to fall on Nadia Vole. And then, I stuck a hand grenade in that helicopter I jumped out of and blew it up! But the death was an accident and so was the helicopter crash! And also, I accidentally shot the Prime Minister and Sayle, non-lethally because I was aiming for their hands! And then I went missing for a few hours and Sayle turned up dead on a rooftop. But that was Yassen, I promise! Why would a murdering lunatic save my life? Well, no idea, Mr. Crawley."

Gordon spewed his beer all over the table. The man choked for a few minutes as Crawley thumped him on the back. "What?!"

Crawley took another draft of his beer. Gordon's eyes had tears of laughter in them. "Congrats! You're stuck with him."

Crawley scowled. Gordon was the worst. "Do you know how the first few drafts of that report sounded? Do you?!"

Gordon let out another round of laughter. Crawley dramatically slumped into the back of the booth. "Aw, he sounds so cute."

Crawley nearly cracked a molar at that. Gordon was a lunatic. "Cute? Cute?!"

Gordon grinned at him. He was a bloody loon. And Crawley needed more beer. Gordon waved the barista over and ordered them a pitcher. "You should have seen Yassen's report. Besides, I'm sure you did fine. Mini-Rider even cleaned up all the loose ends and potential news leaks. You should be grateful."

Crawley rolled his eyes. Gordon, Gordon, Gordon. "Yeah, except when he crashed through the roof of the Science Museum."

Gordon grinned and looked at him hopefully. Crawley smacked him. "No, I am not sending Alex to you."

The other man snorted loudly at him Crawley let out a groan and helped himself to the pitcher that had just arrived. Gordon was far too eager to poach anyone from MI6. "See, you like him already."

Crawley rubbed his eyes. He was still far too sober for this. "God help me."

Gordon started giggling again. Crawley wondered how much the man had already. And then remembered that Gordon was no longer his problem. Speaking of which. "How's Crawford shaping up?"

Gordon's mood shifted abruptly. Crawley felt a grin spread across his face. "FUCK YOU! YOU GAVE ME A DUD AND YOU FUCKING KNEW IT!"

Crawford was the sort of slimebag whose ambition far exceeded his skill, intelligence, or looks. The exceedingly busy bar covered any noise they made. "What did he do now?"

Gordon let out a noise like an angry cat. Crawley was going to enjoy watching the man deal with a turd that was no longer his problem anymore. "We sent him on a mission with two perfectly good guns, ammunition, and knives. And this motherfucker kills someone with a fucking spoon. And he expects a promotion now, too. I spend ages teaching these turds how to shoot, but nooooooo guns aren't fancy or exciting enough! Fucking hell, why do I bother?"

Crawley grinned at Gordon. This was great. "You should send all of them into the field without weapons. Maybe they'd learn to appreciate them then. You know what Alex asked for and didn't get?"

Gordon perked up. The man was a massive gossip. "A GUN! BECAUSE HE'S GOT AT LEAST ONE BRAIN CELL!"

Crawley snorted and took another draft of beer. Giving Alex a gun must have squicked Jones' delicate sensibilities or something. Fuck her. "Eh, he's deadly enough without."

Gordon's expression turned manic. Crawley knew something was going through his head. "So what I'm hearing is that he's too awesome for MI6 and you're worried he would show you all up if you gave him a gun."

Crawley scowled. And took another long draft of beer. He could almost forget the report now. Almost. "Fuck you."

Gordon growled in response. Crawley smirked. "Why couldn't you shoot Crawford? You were a good field agent, weren't you?"

Crawley rolled his eyes. Scorpia tended to turn people homicidal. "I was until I injured my knee."

Gordon made a huffing noise and waved him off. The man gulped his beer. "Last I checked there was nothing wrong with your hands. You know, the things you need to shoot."

Crawley rolled his eyes. He patted Gordon on the arm. "I, unlike you, do not get to shoot my coworkers and then write a crap essay about why and get away with it."

Gordon made a grumbling noise. They finished off their pitcher in silence. Time to head home before people got suspicious.


Fin


Based on a prompt by Zyzyax (see story summary). This is the 96th work in the Winds of Change 2022 Alex Rider Prompt event, where a new prompt (plus a short 1-3K work) is posted every day. For more details, see the AO3 collection :) Want to discuss? Leave a comment beneath, or join the discord (Link on AO3 Fics or just PM me, lol). Want to take part in our Alex Rider anniversary celebrations in September? Join the WoC discord to take part in a fanfic event! Want to showcase your work to your fellow fans and authors? The WoC server has a new feature! Any author who joins can ask to join our authors' feed, which shows all the fics from the authors who opt in, including non-AR fics!