A/N: I know it's been a few weeks since I posted anything, and I'm working on the next chapters of the fics I have going, I swear! But earlier this week I learned about Marty the Thwomp, and I just had to write this to get it out of my system.

For those of you who don't know, Marty is the caged Thwomp who appears in the N64 Bowser's Castle race right after the racers enter Bowser's Castle. Don't ask me where his name came from, nobody seems to know. But here I present to you the definitive story of why Marty got locked up. Oh, and in my mind, this is set in the canon of my fic "Mario's Galactic Tale"; not sure if I'll ever reference it in "MGT," but just in case I don't, thought I'd put it out there.

I do not own Super Mario. If I did, why would I be writing fanfiction?

Hi there. I think this is the start of the 23rd year of my 1,274,284,752,857-year sentence in Bowser's Supermax Penal Facility, otherwise known, for some reason, as "N64 Bowser's Castle." I have no idea what "N64" is supposed to mean, or, for that matter, who the heck started the ridiculous rumor that this is Bowser's Castle.

To start things off, let's get my name out of the way. Everyone thinks my name is Marty. That's not true, my name is Marfy. But ever since I started writing my name, everyone thinks they're misreading it, or my t's are just really sloppy or something, and they insist on calling me Marty. At first I didn't mind, but now everyone in the outside world only knows me as "Marty the Thwomp," and I'm not even able to correct them. I'm probably gonna die in this cell, so at least whoever comes to collect my body will know the truth.

Also, I think my prison sentence is just a random string of numbers Bowser scrawled down. Nobody will ever be able to prove it, but I'm just putting it out there.

My story begins long ago, at Thwomp Volcano, ancestral home of the Green Thwomps. One day, in my usual adventurous spirit, I headed up into the mountains of Hollijolli Village. But when I came back that night, all the Green Thwomps had been petrified! With no one left alive there, I became a lonesome wanderer.

Eventually, I learned that that idiot Waluigi was to blame for what had happened to my race. Apparently he had created a prototype for a Hypo-Nuclear Temporal Stone Petrificationizer Device (whatever the heck any of that means), and decided to test it out atop Thwomp Volcano. The device apparently worked but was destroyed in the process, and made it so that all creatures on Thwomp Volcano had been petrified for all of history. Don't ask me why that worked on Thwomps since we're stone to begin with.

And then I met Bowser, who has this feud going with Wario and Waluigi over who is Mario's true archnemesis; everyone knows it's Bowser, I don't even know who Wario and Waluigi are. My money's on mutant clones of Mario and Luigi. Who created them is the real question, because they're just completely incompetent, from what I know of them.

I only have so much space on my dungeon wall here, so I'll cut to the chase. Bowser offered to help me get revenge on Waluigi for killing my entire race. In our first meeting, he said to me, "I've got one piece of advice for you, Marty. When you want something, when you've got a goal…destroy anything that gets in your way. Do that and you'll turn out alright."

In hindsight, I probably took that a bit too literally.

A few days later, when we were planning our assault on that madhouse Wario Colosseum, where the two deranged brothers had taken refuge, I needed to use the bathroom. Don't ask how, given that I'm made of rock. It's a sensitive issue among Thwompkind. Anyway, I headed to the bathroom, but Bowser was on the phone with his great-step-uncle, something-or-another, Psycho Kamek, blocking my path. I thought back to Bowser's words and decided that he was in my way, so I had to destroy him.

By the time the guards pried me off him, Bowser had sustained a moderate concussion, about a dozen broken ribs, three broken limbs, and a "testicular fulmination," whatever the heck that means. It honestly makes me wonder why Bowser makes all other Thwomps just fall in vertical paths and doesn't just let them go psycho on the Mario Bros. And also, this is the real reason Bowser went on hiatus between 1990 and 1996. He always says it's because he had to deal with a "family crisis," which is a load of bumpkiss. Then again, his "family jewels" did sustain damage, so….

Bowser tried me for treason in a kangaroo court overseen by a bunch of brainwashed Kangaroos he kidnapped from Yoshi's Island. At the end of the trial, I was sentenced to the aforementioned 1,274,284,752,857 years in prison. At first I thought I would be trapped in Bowser's Castle's dungeon, but I was instead airlifted to Bowser's Supermax Penal Facility (a.k.a. N64 Bowser's Castle) deep in the Lava Seas to the south of Bowser's Castle. Rumor has it you'd have to swim 800 miles to reach the nearest land, and I'm not stupid enough to attempt that. I'd probably be immune to the lava, but I'd sink like a…well, a rock. And I'd never get past all the Thwomps guarding this place, not to mention the Magmaarghs and Charvaarghs lurking around the castle walls.

I figured I should write this before I go fully coocoo bananas. This place is meant to mess with your mind. Some days I find myself thinking my name really is Marty, and other times I can't go to sleep because of the eerie, haunting vocals they play 24/7 in this place. The Thwomp guards claim it's because they like it, and that it's the most popular song in the world. Don't buy it; it's psychological torture. I've been here 22 years and they play it every day. No song should stay this popular for that long; it's unnatural.

If this is the Last Will and Testament of Marfy, Last of the Green Thwomps, then so be it. Actually, I like the sound of that. Put that on my tombstone: "MARFY, LAST OF THE GREEN THWOMPS." Heehee…Marty, Marfy, Marty, Marfy…heeheeheehee….

A/N: Hope you enjoyed it! Like I said, I'm hoping to reference this at some point in "Mario's Galactic Tale" – maybe Mario will even free Marfy at some point, who knows? Anyway, please R&R, I love to get reviews!