A Choice Made and Silent Grief


Levi had made his choice. He would remain in the Survey Corps - wanted to see if he would be able to witness the same sight as Erwin one day. The brilliance and ambition of that man. Levi wanted to understand - would follow him into hell if needed.

The intensity of that sudden conviction stuns him.

000

Levi did not remember much from the ride back. He had been in a daze-like state the whole time, the recent events and Erwin's speech to him echoing through his mind, replaying frame by frame, over and over again. It's sickening, but Levi does not feel the burn at the back of his throat. He's too overwhelmed to do anything more than stay put in his saddle and lead his horse back home.

Home.

The word is like an ascid seeping through his veins the second it enters his overworked brain. Because he doesn't have- Levi aborts that train of thought immediately, stomping it down and away with every inch of willpower he has left in his exhausted body. He does not want to think yet, does not want to feel. While making his way towards the baths, at a slow pace, his mind latches onto another set of words - Erwin's words - which he had relayed to Levi not too long ago. It has probably not even been 20 minutes since they parted ways at the stables. "Go bathe, eat something and try to sleep. For the next three days, you have time off. Take your time to grieve properly and rest. It's an important part of our move forward."

Bastard, appearing all collected and shit. The words flicker through his mind, but Levi doesn't feel the sting of anger. He feels nothing. He's numb, he tells himself while rounding a corner. He shakes his head. He can't remember what he said to those words, or if he even replied at all, but he now finds himself standing before one of the baths, water hot. He stands there, bones aching, and somehow his gaze keeps slipping towards the steam rising from the water, finds that it sends a chill down his spine. Fuck he-

He stomps it down, all of it.

Levi ignores the others that are stumbling into the room. Some are crying. Others are looking stone-faced and pale, masks cracking around the corners. He does not know what expression he's making currently, but from the way people are sidestepping him, it is probably nothing good. He bathes as quickly as possible, scrubs his skin harshly without feeling the ache, and doesn't smell the soap that stings his eyes. Instinctively, he knows he's immaculate when he steps out of the water yet can't stop catching it from the corner of his eye; the blood on his skin, all sticky and warm and making it impossible to breathe.

He throws on his clothes and evades his own reflection in the mirrors.

000

Levi stands staring at the closed door of his sleeping quarters. He can't go in there. Fuck, he can't deal with it right now. Having to hear the choked cries of his bunkmates or seeing a space that's too empty. The evident misery of absence screaming at him and the churning guilt in his stomach. He turns around, feet feeling uncharacteristically heavy. He heads to the one place he can be alone.

A place high up, a place closer to the stars where he does not feel like he's drowning with every intake of breath.

000

It's freezing up on the roof, the wind tugging at his coat. Levi is cold and shivering and alone under a vast sky so clear that it almost makes him discern something close to anger, but he merely tiredly draws his knees against his chest, wraps his arms around them, and tries not to feel the chill that makes his teeth chatter. He sits there for a long while, time eluding him at one point. Furlan and Isabel are gone. And they are dead because of his own fucking selfishness and need to prove himself. Shit. Shit shit shit. His nails sink themselves into his palms as he curls forward, forehead coming to a rest against one arm. The tightness in his chest aches, but the grief stays there where it always stays; in the pit of his stomach, at the back of his throat, like a big rock of despair that will fester till he can push it down. It hurts. It always does. Every time. He sits there, holding one of Isabel's hair ties he found in the pocket of his sleeping pants, fingers curling around the item impulsively, taking stuttering breaths of air.

Levi sits there in the cold for a long time, fingers and toes going numb, silently grieving for the family he lost.