(Disclaimer I do not own any of these characters that would be the amazing Richelle Mead)
I can't believe it's been five years. Five years that changed everything for me. Five years since I lost the man I loved, the best friend that was more than a sister, and a future that I thought would have brought me happiness, career and prestige. Well as much prestige as a dhampir can get in their world anyway. But in all honesty, apart from the man I love and friend that was more like a sister, the rest was good. I got a career, a life that is fulfilling, and more than enough money to pay my own way.
"Ms Mazur would you like anything to drink? We will be landing in an hour, so last chance before we start our decent," said a voice breaking me out of my musings.
I look up at the pretty stewardess who always seems to know that coffee is a must for me before we land. But today my stomach just seems to be tied in knots, and both food and beverages would just either feel like lead or make a reappearance. Not the 'I'm a total badass' picture I want to create!
"No thank you Sally, not today. But can you please make sure Ivan gets some juice before we land? We have a long drive and I want him ready. Can you also ask my father to come see me? Thanks."
"Certainly Ms Mazur."
Today Ivan starts at St Vlad's. I can't believe he is already four and I can't believe that I am sending him there of all places. But unlike my own upbringing, I'll see him every holiday and on the weekends that I'm in America on business. Unlike me, he won't have the last name Hathaway to live up to. Even though the Hathaway people would now also associate with is Rose, the one that could have been great but decided to get knocked up and is now probably the blood whore that she was destined to become! Well, that is until it's Rose, the one that changed everything. Some will be glad to have change, others will want my head.
I find myself returning to my memories of how I ended up losing the two most important people in my life at that point. They should have believed me, trusted me, and known I wouldn't be the kind of person that would lie about something like that.
Remembering that week always brings pain but today, heading to the place that it all happened, has made the memory so acute it's like being in a cinema, high vis, blu ray, surround sound accuracy!
Flashback
We are sitting in our cabin. It's the first time we have been back here since the night of the attack over a month ago. As planned, we haven't been together since that night. We were waiting until graduation to fully explore our new relationship. Don't get me wrong, we have had some awesome make out seasons, which always ended up in heavy petting when our control slipped. But we both know the risks and neither of us are prepared to risk the others reputation, future or liberty (in his case).Well, with the way he is looking at me right now I am willing to risk that gorgeous face of his.
"Whose is it Rose?" he asks, a look of absolute disgust on his face.
"What do you mean whose is it?" I hiss at him.
"Which Moroi did you decide was a better thing than the two of us? Adrian?" The sadness in his eyes is quickly replaced by anger, and dare I say it, hate. I've never had his hate directed at me until that moment.
"Dimitri, I have only ever been with you. This child is yours!" I'm pleading and willing that my honesty and love shows in my eyes. Eyes he has always been able to read. "You know me you know I would never—"
He interrupts my sentence. "Don't you dare lie to me. Rose, we are both dhampir. Do you honestly think I'm that stupid? Well I'm glad this happened now, not a few years down the line. Before I asked to be reassigned to another Moroi. The princess will need a decent guardian after graduation now that she will be losing you." His slight Russian accent became more pronounced with the hurt in his voice.
"What do you mean losing me?" I whisper quietly.
"Well, you got yourself knocked up. There's no way they'll allow you to become Vasilisa's guardian now. You'll probably be expelled and taken to a commune where you will have to raise the child and get any job you can. I will try to stop this from happening, but my influence will only go so far. But even if I do manage to sway them, Vasilisa is too important to have a guardian who is not capable of protecting her." Weird how someone can look sad yet vengeful at the same time.
I can't believe he is saying these things to me. I can't believe that he honestly does not believe me about this child. I know it's not his unwillingness to have a child. It's the science of two dhampirs not being able to produce a child, but I'm not a normal dhampir! Well, not since 14 anyway.
"Dimitri believe me or not, this child is yours. Remember? Shadow kissed!" I say while waving my hands up and down my body. "Something must have happened when Lissa healed me. I have not cheated!" I plead one more time. Please see the truth you have always known when I lie, I'm shouting at him through my eyes. But getting interrupted yet again.
"Save it for the stories you'll tell others, Rose. I'm going to have to report your condition to the headmistress and Guardian Petrov. I will give you until the day after tomorrow before telling them so that you can tell the princess. As I said, I'll fight for you to stay and graduate with the rest of the year. You're a skilled fighter and have proven your worth." With that he turns around and leaves. Not even a look back at me. Nothing but coldness and a professional manner in those last sentences he ever spoke to me.
End Flashback
"You wanted to speak to me, little girl?" My fathers voice brings me out of the memory. I look up to him, and he must see the pain in my eyes as he takes the seat next to me and pulls me into his chest rocking me like I'm a small child.
"It's going to be okay they won't even know who you are or who he is," he whispers, trying to reassure me that neither Ivan or I will be ridiculed ever again.
"Baba I'm not worried about that. I don't give a rats ass. They can't say anything as I've done good and not ended up in a commune as some blood whore." God, I hate that term. "I have done more good for my kind than any royal scum bag, including Queen bitch. What hurts are the memories of those two, and wishing I could hate them. Better still, wishing I didn't feel anything any longer. Going back there is just bringing it all up. Sorry rant over. Let's move on, hey?" I ranted all this into his chest. At least I didn't cry. Yay me.
"Rose, it's natural to feel all this. You're going back to where it all begun, and if this wasn't the best and safest school for Ivan while our plans go ahead I wouldn't be sending him there. But it is, so we have to bottle it up and do what's right by him." Abe gives me the same speech I gave to him only yesterday. This makes me lift my eyebrows at him with a 'really ' look on my face. Cheeky git.
Abe laughs and kisses me on the forehead before walking back to the seat he had next to Ivan, who I swear has his grandfather wrapped around his finger.
Laughing to myself I look out over the Rocky Mountains we are flying over in our privet jet heading towards Missoula airport. Seeing my reflection in the perspex window, there is no way that anyone will recognise me. My once long hair is just past the top of my shoulders, now highlighted with blondes and reds. I have matured in the last five years, both physically and facially. With a large pair of sunglasses, I will not be recognised as Rosemarie Hathaway. I will be addressed as Anna Mazur, private guardian to Abe Mazur. I chose Anna as a nod to shadow kissed Anna. Thanks to her dad and boss, she is also able to do a lot of charity work for dhampirs who find themselves kicked out and left to starve or become blood whores in communes. Moroi scum bags are running out of dhampir to bite and screw. My dream is to give total freedom to dhampir, and thanks to me, my miracle son, and science, that day is fast approaching. Finally dhampirs will be able to reproduce together.
I find myself remembering how this future was able to come about. The day my father was brought into the picture, even though I did not know that he was already always in it!
Flashback
Dimitri kept his word and gave me the Wednesday to tell Lissa before informing Kirova and Alberta of my condition. It's Thursday, late morning (or night if you're human). I'm standing in front of the headmistress's desk. The she-devil hag was sitting behind her large desk, staring at me like I'm a piece of gum stuck to her favourite shoes that just won't come off. Alberta is standing next to her and Dimitri is behind me, standing by the closed door.
"Miss Hathaway," Kirova said, having dropped the title of novice, "after all the chances that myself and the other members of faculty have given you. After all the stunts you've pulled, and now this. It's disappointing, but at least now I can see I was right in the first instance. We should of gotten rid of you when Vasilisa was first brought back to us seven months ago." I would like to say this was all said with detached professionalism but there was definitely a smug joyful glint in her eyes at being proved right. I would like to say she just doesn't like female dhampirs, but Alberta, the head guardian, is female so I can safely say that it's just me she hates.
"Yeah, I did shit work the night of the attack and the rescue mission the day after. I killed my fair share of Strigoi. That's shoddy work. Also my marks. I'm the only novice to get them. I think that alone proves you're wrong about my ability to be a guardian and my worth at being taught," I spit back at her.
"It's a moot point since now you have allowed yourself to get pregnant. Maybe if you were a little more responsible and worn protection with the Moroi." This all said with a small smile on her face. That bitch. "But as it stands you will not be graduating with the rest of your class and earning your promise mark. As you are now 18, you are no longer our responsibility. I will give you until Monday morning to pack up your belongings and we will give you enough money and directions to get you to the nearest commune to start your life there. Obviously, once you leave the academy grounds, it's up to you if you go there. I would if I were you, as that's the only place to find others like yourself."
The emotional pain of all this is physically pulling me down, making me want to collapse.
Dimitri address Kirova from behind me. "Headmistress, as I have said to you earlier, I still feel that Rose is good enough to join our ranks, maybe even be one of the greats when she is older. She proved her worth in the attack and rescue mission. I feel you're throwing away potentially—"
Kirova looks past me to where Dimitri is standing and interrupts his speech. "I know your opinion on the matter, but she has broken the rules yet again and this time in a way that can not be overlooked. As she is pregnant she won't be able to do final trials in two months, and I'm not making concessions for her when all the other novices will have to go through them. It's unfair, and that's final." With that, my fate is sealed.
"How am I supposed to get to the nearest station? It's a two hour drive to the nearest town. Am I supposed to walk there?" I try to say as emotionlessly as possible, trying to hide my pain at being betrayed by all those that are supposed to care about me.
"A guardian will drive you to the Missoula train station where they'll give you the funds and instructions of how to get to the commune. I just hope you amount to more than what I think you'll end up becoming at the commune. But with no funds, family or prospects, you future does look set." She might as well have said 'hello future blood whore' and slap me in the face. Every person in that room knew exactly what she had just said presented through her pretty words.
Wounded by my treatment, I look first at Alberta, who has a hurt look on her face but does not look me in the eye. Then I look at the man who I never thought would abandon me. He looked dead ahead, his guardian mask on tight, but he could never hide his true feelings from me. I saw his pain and his fear at Kirova's words.
Swallowing the sick feeling down, I look back at the hag and thank her, saying I understand every word she said, and leave to begin packing. Walking back to my dorm I can't help but see the looks I get from teachers, guardians, and students. Well, less than 48 hrs for word to get out. Guess I'm the latest hot gossip now. Hell, 48 hours was long enough that I was probably already hot gossip material at court too.
"What a waste."
"Really anyone surprised she's nothing but a whore."
"Wonder who the father is probably Jessie."
"No way after she beat him near to death just before the attack don't think he'd want to touch her."
"Poor Lissa must be heartbroken to be losing her best friend." That one made me snort. Yeah. Best friend indeed.
I managed to get back to my dorm with my head held high and without shedding a single tear. I was not going to show them that they'd broken my heart, pride, and confidence. Though once I was alone I slide down the closed door, and let the pain take me and the tears come.
After a few hours, I hear a knock on my door. I open the door, scared at what I'll find. Greeting me is Meredith with a tray of food. Like I could eat now, but I'm surprised none the less.
"Hey Rose, I thought you'd be hungry and I haven't seen you in the cafeteria today. I just wanted to make sure you eat something," she said with kind sincerity. It was nice one person was being kind. I let her in and she put the tray down on the desk.
"Thanks Mere, but why are you being kind when everyone else has turned their backs on me? Not being rude or anything, I'm just curious," I ask in a small voice.
"Rose, whatever has happened, and whoever the father is, they shouldn't be mean to you. You're all alone and that's not fair not after everything that's happened and all you did for this school and Lissa."
Her kindness brought tears to my eyes. After everything it was nice to know that at least one person still cared.
"What am I going to do Mere? Their plan is to send me to a commune, where I'll be so desperate that I'll become a blood whore and slowly die inside until I either take my own life or go mad from Lissa's darkness." I feel utter despair. My baby can't have that life. I can't have that life.
"I know you don't have the best relationship with your mum, but she's still your mum. Maybe she can help," I look at Meredith with what must of been a 'yeah right ' look because she just automatically says, "what have you got to lose? Nothing. She'll either help or not, you'll either be in the same place as you are now or a better place. Rose it's not just your life any longer but that of your babies." With that she gives me a huge hug, whispers "call her" and walks out closing the door behind her.
I don't even give myself the chance to think about it, scared that I would bottle out. Picking up my mobile, glad that Lissa hasn't cut me off yet, I phone her.
"Mum."
"Rosemarie, what's wrong?" she asks, concern and fear in her voice. I guess my tone and the fact I never call has conveyed the wrong that had been done to me. With that, I break down and tell her everything from dying at 14 and being brought back by spirit. Everything that happened with Dimitri, to being kicked out of school for becoming pregnant by him. I think it took a couple hours at least, but once out I felt emotionally spent, and for the first time in almost a week I felt calm. Don't get me wrong, I was still hurt over my lover's hatred and sister's snub, but I could think clearly again.
"Rosemarie, listen to me. You're going to get a phone call within an hour from a man called Abe Mazur and he will help you. You will be taken cared of and we will get through this. You will not go to a commune, you will not become what that bitch implied, and we will figure it out. Okay?" She said this with such conviction that for the first time in my life I realised that my mother loved me and was on my side.
"Okay mum. Who's this Abe and why would he do this for me?"
"Abe is your father, and unlike what you think, he has always watched over you but just couldn't be there. Before you ask why, that's a story for both of us to tell you together. Rosemarie, go pack only the things you can carry, leave the rest and be ready. Remember to eat, sleep, and look after yourself. Stay by the phone for his call."
With that she hung up. I went to the now cold food on the tray and started to pick at it. I knew I had to eat it. Was my mother psychic when she told me to eat, or was this how she felt when carrying me? The food was good. It gave me some energy to do as she said and pack the clothes I felt I needed. I also took a few pictures; one of Lissa and me, one of the gang including Mason taken at the ski lodge, and the only picture I had of him. I also packed a top that had some of Dimitri's blood on it from when we sparred against each other last week, which I hadn't cleaned yet thanks to my hatred of doing laundry. Did someone say DNA? Science doesn't lie.
One day he will realise that this child is his, and on that day he'll regret not knowing him. But until that day I will never tell my child that their dad rejected them. I will tell my child that his father loved them and that it was just not meant to be. I will not be the bad guy that is bitter towards him, and I will not make him the bad guy that did not believe or trust me enough. As if a tap was turned on tears are falling down my cheeks and I wonder if I'll ever get over this. If I'll ever get over the loss of Lissa and Dimitri, the two people I would have died for; the humiliation that Kirova had put me through in her office; or the fact that the two people I trusted the most did not trust me enough to believe me.
My phone goes off. Again I'm thankful Lissa has not cut me off yet.
"Hello" I answer meekly. Wow, this is not the Rose I know and love.
"Rosemarie. Hi. I'm Abe Mazur. Your mother advised you that I would call?" an oddly accented voice asks.
"Um, yes" I reply hesitantly.
"Okay, I need you to do exactly what I say. I need you to go to headmistress Kirova's office before the end of the day and tell her that you have decided to make your own way to Missoula. She can not stop you, as she is expelling you and you're now 18. If she asks why or where your going, be blunt and say it's no longer any of her concern."
Wicked. I hope she does ask as I'd love to see that bitch's face after that!
"Then I want you to make your way to the gates for 11:30 pm. The guardian at the gate can not stop you again as you're now expelled and 18. There will be a car waiting for you with one of my guardians to bring you to me. His name is Pavel, and you can trust him with your life."
Wow, this was all happening so fast. I guess this is it then.
"Rosemarie are you clear with all that?" Abe finishes up asking. I guess I was quiet throughout the whole plan.
"Yes old man, I understand what I need to do. And thank you for helping. It's just all happening so fast. I'm scared." My voice goes from strong to weak all in a single breath.
"Rosemarie, your mum told me everything, and from my own observation I know you're telling the truth. We will figure out how this has happened and where to go from here. Just remember you're not alone. I'll see you soon little girl."
Wow. Well that's it then. I look at the time on the phone and it's coming up to 6 pm our time. I will have to see Kirova now if I hope to see her without her notifying the entire guardian squad that Rosemarie Hathaway pulled Kirova from her home. I did as Abe advised and told her I'm making my own way, and that I'll be leaving while light out so less threat from Strigoi. She sat there and didn't seem to care enough to even mention the fact that Missoula is like over a half day hike and that I'm pregnant. All she did was pull out 150 and written instructions to get to nearest commune, handing both to me, after which she just got up and left. I wasn't even worth a good luck. Bitch.
Luckily there wasn't a guardian in the room, even though the guardian on the gate will probably tell everyone that I got into a car with a strange man who drove me away. More rumours to fuel my 'blood whore' reputation.
Getting back to my dorm I find that Meredith has left me another tray of food for dinner I know that I should go to see her and say goodbye but decide it's best that I not let anyone know that I'm leaving. I just eat and rest before I go.
At 11:15 pm the student body is in their dorms as curfew started a few hours ago and tomorrow is a school day. The only ones around are the guardians on patrol, which are few and far between now that the sun was out. I pick up my bag with my few items I'm taking with me. I leave everything else, including the phone Lissa gave me. She did inform me this morning by text that the tariff will be cut off as I won't be with her any longer. Ouch. Who knew she could actually be a total bitch when she wanted? So why bother with the phone or the memories it holds, I thought. I leave the room unlocked and throw my key in the bin outside. Yes, I know it's immature but hey I'm allowed my little tantrum after everything I've been put through.
I make my way to the gate. Just my luck, Alto is the one on guard there tonight.
"Hathaway, what are you doing here and not in your dorm?"
"You're shitting me right? Haven't you heard? I'm a disgraced, pregnant, blood whore who no longer belongs in this academy," I actually say this like I don't give a fuck.
"Yeah, I heard. And I'm sorry. You would of been a great guardian." Actual sorrow is showing in his eyes and I'm stunned. The person I expected hatred, disdain and happiness at my fall is being kind. Well fuck.
"Thanks Stan. I'm leaving tonight. Kirova knows and the car that has pulled up is for me." Stan looks suspiciously at the car then back at me, looking like he wants to make sure I'll be safe. "It's okay, the car was sent by my mother's friend to take me to the commune. Guess it's something she can do for me." Totally a believable alibi.
Stan opens the academy gates and my father's guardian opens the boot for me to dump my bag into. I then jump into the back of the SUV ready for a future I have no idea about and to meet a father I have never met.
End flashback
I'm pulled out of this memory by us actually landing. Damn, totally lost track of time there. I've really got to get it together and stop thinking about a past that no longer belongs to the person I am now, or the son that is the best thing ever to happen to me. He was the one that made me realise that they don' t come first, and that dhampirs deserve a better life than what they have now. But today I need to get my head in the game, as there are people I'm about to see that I have not seen for five years and I'll be dammed if I let them get the best of me again.
All I know is Kirova is still headmistress and Alberta is still head guardian. The rest of the teaching staff and guardians I decided not to care about. I left that to my father's people to check out. Abe spent years building up a network of loyal guardians there from when I was a student, some of who are still there.
The academy is known to have the best fighting program. Well, since the attack happened. I guess it shook them up and made them more prepared. So that is why I'm sending my four-year-old to a country I no longer live in, and a place that breaks my heart thinking about. Ivan is too important to risk, both to myself and the future freedom of our kind. Our genetics hold the secret for our kind being able to get out from under the Moroi's thumbs. So St Vlad's, here we come.
Sitting in the limo that is now heading towards the nothingness the school is situated in, I can't help but look at my son and see the perfect melding of his father and me. He has Dimitri's colouring in his eyes, hair and skin tone. But he has my wild curls, cut short, and my eye shape. He is tall for his age, which makes me think he will be tall like his father. He has my nose and his smile. Really he is perfect, and is going to be even more stunning than his father when he gets older. His attitude is neither mine or Dimitri's, but also a melding of us both. Calm and rule abiding one moment, and reckless and spirited the next. He takes in the situation he is in, and decides which behaviour is required for best outcome!
My dad and I have given him the best of everything, but we also teach him to stay grounded and understand people are not as lucky as himself, which has given him a kindness to others. He has a fierce protectiveness for those he loves, just like I do. God that boy is my life. Him, my father, mother and Pavel are who I protect now. To think Lissa was the one I thought that that protectiveness would only be for.
Five years on, I've closed the bond to the point I no longer get an inkling of her emotions come through, let alone getting sucked in. Sadly I couldn't stop the darkness seeping through, but thanks to my father's research and a bonded pair from Russia we have learnt what to do to control it from getting bad. A couple of Moroi who practice spirit create charmed silver jewellery that helps me with the darkness.
I know that Lissa "the princess", who is kind to all and progressive on dhampir fairness and equal rights beliefs, does fuck all but sit in council meetings sprouting all those beliefs to a council that will never get anything done. Half for, half against progression, and that's a recipe for being permanently stuck in the biggest pile of non moving crap! Bet that's the future she expected when she believed that she would make a difference. Ha, turns out she's just as much a waste of space as the rest of the royals. Well, that is until I force their hand. Then we will see if she can finally make good. Okay, maybe I'm holding onto a little bit of bitterness, hurt, and anger from that time. Well of corse I would, who wouldn't?
Flashback
On Wednesday morning, after crying half the night over Dimitri and the other half having nightmares over what he had said to me, I look like shit standing in front of my best friend's dorm room door. Opening the bond I can tell she is alone and happy. The school day starts in a hour, and she is getting things together to meet us in the cafeteria. I knock on the door and wait for her.
"Rose, what's wrong? Come in, sit down. You don't look well." There is so much worry and love in her voice. After the attack and rescue mission, I decided to tell her about Dimitri and our hopes for the future. She was over the moon. She had always wanted me to have a happy life and be her guardian forever.
"It's Dimitri. He didn't believe me, and now the school is going to kick me out and send me to a commune where I'll never see you again. Why didn't he believe me? I don't know what to do Lissa, I need help!" I'm panicking, actually breathless, and scared out my mind panic.
"Hold up Rose, slow down. What didn't he believe? And why is it so bad they would kick you out of school?"
"Liss, I'm pregnant."
"Well, that explains Dimitri's reaction. Whose is it? How could you cheat on him and be so careless that you didn't use protection?" she asks with a hand on her hip, glaring at me.
"Liss I didn't cheat! I've only been with Dimitri. The baby's his, and we didn't use protection as this is not supposed to be able to happen. He didn't believe me, and tomorrow he is going to Kirova and I'll be expelled!" I practically shout this at her I can't believe that she could ask me those questions. She has known me forever and has known that while everyone else had called me a whore that I'd actually still been a virgin. She knew that Dimitri was my first and only lover. How could she not know straight away that this child is Dimitri's?
"Rose stop it and tell me, Dimitri, and the school the truth about the father. Maybe if the father takes some responsibility for it they will be lenient and allow you to at least graduate and become a guardian after the birth," she states matter of fact.
God I want to threw up again. First him, now her. Are these really the people that I love? They should be the ones to believe me! What the fuck? Am I in the right universe? Honestly, it feels like I'm stuck in the twilight zone.
"Lissa I'm being honest. I am carrying Dimitri's baby, and I have told him as he is the father but he did not believe me. God, you and him are the two people I love most and both of you have ripped me to shreds. And what do you mean by the comment about becoming a guardian and not your guardian after the birth?"
"Rose, enough! Stop lying. Stop putting a lovely man's heart, reputation and future in jeopardy because you cheated and can't face the truth. Luckily Dimitri is not a Moroi, otherwise he would probably be stuck with a child that's not his and we would all believe your lies. But instead you're saying that the impossible has happened. Let me guess, it's because you're shadow kissed." She rolls her eyes, as if I use that as an excuse often. "I healed you, not made you Moroi. As for being my guardian, even if the school allows you to graduate, you know with being who I am that I'll be given two full-time, dedicated guards. I don't agree with the discrimination, but I don't think court will allow a new mother, who will have to be re-trained, to be one of them. Maybe after a bit. But then would you want to be around Dimitri after hurting him so much? That's not very fair on him. It's not fair on me either, as I don't know if I can forgive you for lying to me."
I can't believe I'm standing here listening to this bull crap. I'm just staring at her, mouth open. Come on, say something Rose! Nope, not a thing comes to my brain.
"Rose, I honestly think it's best if you go now. Think about your future and that of the child you're carrying. If the father doesn't want anything to do with it, maybe it's best to look at other options because you know what will happen if you're expelled. I'm sorry Rose, and I wish I could help but you know Kirova won't listen to me, and while I'm at school I don't hold any power. I just wish you'd only be honest with me. But a friendship without trust is not worth it, and a person who is willing to throw the man she says she loves to the wolves is not a person I can respect. I hope it all works out for you and I hope that you become a guardian, as I feel you'd be even better than your mother. But that position won't be with me," Lissa actually sounds sad and heart broken while saying all those nasty things to me. How is this even possible? She is the one sticking a knife in my heart, yet to an outsider it looks like I'm the one who did wrong.
"You know what? Fuck you princess." With that, I storm out of her dorm room. That was the last time I saw her, and apart from the text Thursday morning notifying me of the mobile tariff being cut off, they were our last words. A few days after, having sucked a huge amount of darkness from her, it was obvious that some of what she had said was brought on by the side effects of spirit. But by then the damage was already done.
End flashback
