I couldn't take it anymore. Master Vrook Lamar, one of the members of the Jedi Council, had been giving me new exercises, each one as ridiculously hard as the next. The old man was shouting at me, humiliating me in front of an audience of young apprentices and Padawans. For more than three hours he had been lashing out at me, before a stunned and silent audience. Now he was bullying me, he wanted me to levitate a common rock. I wasn't allowed to leave the training room without succeeding. I sat cross-legged in the centre of the room, concentrating in vain on that damn little stone. Of course, my attempts were also accompanied by the taunts of the grumpy old Master. Minutes passed, and I could not get the rock to levitate. And Vrook never failed to tell me how incapable and incompetent I was. I took it upon myself. With a furrowed brow, I pretended not to hear anything and kept my eyes on the object. Nevertheless, it was clear that I could not tear myself away from Vrook's incendiary words, and from the sympathetic at best, embarrassed at worst, gaze of my audience.
He would eventually leave me alone. It was obvious that I was a poor student. Why bother wasting so much time on a mediocre learner like me? And why had I finally given in to the sirens of the Council and Bastila? At this particularly difficult moment, I couldn't help but feel regret for my decision to follow the Jedi teachings.
I tried another round against the rock. I closed my eyes and tried to cut myself off from my reality. A few seconds passed and I was suddenly taken by a sensation I had not felt in all the hours I had been in this damn room. The sensation was soft, comforting, yet subtle. It was a small light that seemed to illuminate a tiny part of me. Too small perhaps. But I welcomed it warmly, and tried to tame it so that it would not leave me. Nevertheless, I suddenly felt it slip away and a deep sense of unease replaced it. A new sensation not under my control. Unexpectedly, I suddenly opened my eyes and saw the figure of Bastila right in front of me, behind a row of apprentices.
The bond. That's where these sensations came from. As I opened myself up to the Force, despite my obvious lack of talent, this strange connection seemed to become more evident in me.
The young woman stared at me, her mouth half open, seeming utterly astonished to see me in such a condition. I held her gaze for a moment, embarrassed, feeling despicable. I was ashamed to be the centre of attention at that moment. I was ashamed of the way I looked: exhausted and sweaty. Absolutely hideous. But most of all, I was ashamed of not being able to levitate a common rock in front of Bastila Shan, who had worked hard to get me to accept training. I was not worthy of her expectations, and she now had the most tangible demonstration of this. I held my Commander's gaze, before being again challenged by Vrook:
"How can you possibly think of making progress if you let yourself be distracted by the slightest event? " He asked me in a disproportionately high voice. "You can see that you are not fit for purpose!" He added.
I directed my attention back to the rock, and patiently endured the Master's new anger. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him raise a hand to the apprentices and Padawans.
"Come now, all of you. Leave this room and go for dinner. It's time." He announced firmly.
I remained still. I knew that this was not my concern. I took advantage of the movement of the audience to look up again at Bastila, who had not moved. She was still standing in front of me, and her eyes were still fixed on my poor carcass. The young apprentices and Padawans were gradually making their way out of the room, leaving the three of us alone. Vrook, seeing that Bastila did not seem to be leaving, barked:
"You too, Shan."
The Jedi took her eyes off me for the first time, and looked at Master Vrook with what seemed to me to be a measure of disapproval. She turned her gaze back to me, nodded gently, and left the training room, giving me complete privacy with my tormentor.
Vrook tortured me for another thirty minutes or so before ordering me to continue alone. I was going to spend the night performing a manoeuvre I was incapable of doing with an empty stomach. So this was Jedi goodness and compassion? Another hour passed, then another, without being able to accomplish anything. I was now probably the only one in the Academy who was still awake. I was disillusioned and exhausted.
I didn't belong here.
While a growing anger was gradually invading my being, while I was beginning to have a furious urge to seize that rock and throw it against a window, a sound of footsteps cut me off from this moment of inner rage. I looked up in front of me, and was surprised to see Bastila's figure approaching me again. As she entered the room fully, she stopped a few feet from where I sat, her hands behind her back. She smiled curiously, to which I did not respond at the time. I frowned, confused.
"May I interrupt you?" She asked with concern.
I gave no immediate response. I had spent so much time hearing horrible things about myself that I was totally caught off guard by such a warm tone. I took a few sharp breaths before finally speaking up, for the first time since I had set foot in this room:
"Please." I implored, emphasising as much as possible my desperation of the moment.
She gave me an uncomfortable look, and took the last few steps to get to my position. She crouched down in front of me, leaving the rock between us. Her hands, which until now had always been clasped behind her back, came together in front of her and revealed a small greyish cloth pouch, which she placed next to the small stone.
"Here." She said, gesturing to the pouch with her hand. "It's not much, but it will ease your hunger a little."
The word "hunger" made my eyes widen. I gently picked up the little bag, brought it to me, and peeked inside. It was the most beautiful sight of the whole hellish day.
I gently picked up the little bag, brought it to me, and peeked inside. It was the most beautiful sight of the whole hellish day. Bastila had brought me something to eat: a generous piece of bread, a couple of fruits, and three pieces of dried meat. As I gazed stupidly at this heavenly vision, I saw Bastila place a small transparent bottle beside me, containing water that I guessed was fresh from the droplets of condensation that were beading on the surface of the object.
I then turned my eyes to the young woman. This time I couldn't hold back an exhausted, smug smile. So smug that it caused Bastila to laugh briefly. Realizing this somewhat ridiculous look, I forced myself to regain a more serious composure and addressed the woman:
"You took all this stuff from the refectory? You're not going to be in trouble?"
With a kindly smile on her lips, the Jedi replied:
"I didn't take anything from anyone. Except myself."
I frowned suddenly, not quite sure I understood what she had said. Was it a piece of her own food? Had she somehow sacrificed herself for me tonight? For an inept man like me?
"I can't accept it. This belongs to you." I said as I handed her the little pouch.
"I don't want it, Corem." She replied defiantly. "And you know better than anyone that I always stick to my ideas. So it would be better for you to have it, wouldn't it?"
I fixed the woman with a defeated look. I put the pouch back down beside me, glanced hungrily at its contents, and nodded my head in approval.
"Okay." I finally spoke back. I returned to my Commander's eyes and added gratefully, "Thank you, Bastila. Thank you very much."
The Jedi smiled at me again, and with a gesture of her hand urged me to finally soothe my stomach, which was twisting with pain. I complied and proceeded to eat the most enjoyable meal I had ever eaten here. It took me only a few minutes to get through it. I was surprised to see that Bastila had apparently chosen to stay. At first I was rather puzzled, but with each bite I realised that not only did I not mind her presence, but I was even beginning to enjoy her. Anything was possible, after all. When I had finished my meal, I took a sip of water and sighed contentedly.
However, when my gaze strayed to the familiar pebble that was mocking me from about twenty centimetres away, my contentment disappeared in favour of a deep weariness.
"You are quite capable of making it levitate Corem." Bastila said, having most likely sensed my distress. I looked up at her, feeling discomfited and perplexed.
"Bastila, you were there." I replied in a defeated voice. "You saw just like everyone else that I'm no good for anything."
"In such conditions, it's pretty obvious." She retorted, nearly in outrage. I studied her in some confusion.
"Any student, no matter how promising they are, would get nowhere without a real method. Vrook has done nothing but torture you senseless, Corem. What you went through was not the experience of a proper Jedi teaching at all."
I gazed at Bastila, stunned. Stunned at her concern. Stunned at the audacity with which she would discredit a Jedi Master in front of a neophyte like me. Stunned that she had suggested that I might be promising. I was in a silence that was stronger than my own will right now. Bastila stood up, and held out her hand to me.
"Take this rock and come with me." She said firmly. With one hand I grabbed the pebble, with the other I grabbed Bastila's wrist and she helped me up. With my eyes fixed on her, I asked:
"I'm not supposed to leave the room. Vrook will kill me when he finds out."
"I take full responsibility for this act of indiscipline." The Jedi replied soberly. "Come on."
Bastila then set off down the corridor that led to the room we were in. Confident, and admittedly excited to be leaving this room at last, I followed her with a steady and determined stride. We made our way down a few long corridors, some of which I had never been down before, and eventually reached a door guarded by a protocol droid. The robot seemed to examine Bastila for a few seconds and announced:
"Subject: Bastila Shan. Allowed to leave the Academy. Door unlocked."
The door then opened onto a courtyard overlooking a rather quiet river, bordering huge plains which, in the darkness of the almost fallen night, I guessed were verdant. I was also amazed by the quality of the night sky. Being mostly posted in urban environments, I had not often had the opportunity to admire such a night sky. It was a wonder. I was however brought out of my contemplation by a gentle nudge from Bastila.
"Are you coming?" She urged me.
I resumed my walk with the Jedi. We left the Academy grounds and headed out into the surrounding plains, following the stream. We walked for about twenty minutes in a serene and healthy silence until we reached a tiny but charming grove, towards which I saw Bastila quicken her pace slightly. She sat down at the foot of a tree, and addressed me in a firm but pleasant tone:
"Come on, let's get to work. Come and join me."
I sat down in front of her and took the terrifying pebble from my pocket and placed it between the Jedi and me.
"Close your eyes." The Jedi said. "Don't think about the rock yet. Take time to feel your surroundings."
I breathed out, as if to release the negative energies I had accumulated over the course of this particular day. And I began to concentrate on the last instruction Bastila had given me. I tried to awaken all my senses. I was overwhelmed by the flood of information I was receiving: the sounds of nature around us, the breeze that at that moment seemed to assault my tired body, the acrid smells of the few trees, and the myriad colours that titillated the retinas of my closed eyes. It felt like a real pain.
"Don't let it overwhelm you, Corem." Bastila, who could certainly sense my discomfort, replied. "Tame your senses, one at a time. Nothing forces you to deal with everything at once."
These words reassured me. I realised that I was acting in such a way as not to sacrifice the Jedi's precious time for nothing. I simply wanted to do it quickly, so as not to have to solicit her for hours. But I realised that, in this way, I would be doing worse rather than better. All right. One step at a time. First of all I took a few long seconds to calm my breathing, to find a calm rhythm. Then I chose to concentrate first on the sounds that were coming to my ears. Focusing on those, the aggressions I was experiencing from the other sensations slowly but surely disappeared. I had somehow connected to my hearing, and to the auditory messages that the surrounding nature was sending me: I could hear the cracking of the leaves, the infinite cycle of the river's course, a few night birds here and there. And suddenly, everything became soft and serene in my mind. The pain I had been experiencing had completely dissipated, and I could feel my soul being swept away by a comforting quietude. Then, without fully realising it, my other senses took in the smells, the colours on my retinas, the cool night breeze that I felt gently flowing through my hair as well as through my emerging beard, and gently brushed the surface of my skin. I enjoyed this sensory choreography for a moment, and the soothing effect it had on me. Finally, I tried to focus part of my reason on the pebble, which I now apprehended more serenely. With my eyes still closed, I visualised it in my mind. On the ground, in all the lightness of its roundness, after all so harmless. Then I imagined it gently rising from the grass on which it lay, and bringing it to my eye level. I didn't know at the time if my attempt would be successful in practice. But something in me told me that if it did not, I should not be discouraged. Bastila's words had clearly lifted a significant weight off my shoulders. I continued my mental manoeuvre, without questioning whether I had really succeeded in levitating the rock. I was, however, a little distracted by Bastila's delicate voice addressing me, careful not to distract me too much:
"Try to open your eyes, Corem."
With a touch of apprehension I listened to the young woman's recommendation, and dared an attempt to leave some of this pleasant state. Slowly I began to open my eyes. And what a surprise it was to see, a few dozen centimetres from my nose, the rock twirling almost indecently. My surprise was such that I left my trance completely and could not enjoy this vision of success for very long, the pebble having immediately fallen back to the ground. With my eyes fixed on it, I finally sighed wearily and defeated. As I prepared to flog myself mentally, Bastila spoke again, in an enchanted voice:
"That's very good, Corem." She said at first with a sincerity that I thought was curious. "I told you that you could do it. And it didn't take you that much time or effort. You are a talented student, no question about it."
I observed the young woman, who had said all these kind words to me with an almost amazed smile. I couldn't help thinking that she was telling me all this simply so as not to hurt my feelings, but why bother? I had to learn not to doubt the Jedi's words to me. Considering all the horrible things she had said to me before, she had no reason to spare me. And though the bond was still very foreign to me, I sensed that she was sincere. She really believed in me. And I had finally succeeded in levitating that rock. Even if it didn't last long. That was not the point. Not at the moment. I had succeeded. Bastila had lifted the blockage carefully set up by Vrook in just a few minutes. With my eyes back on the pebble, I could not hold back a satisfied smile, albeit one tainted by my fatigue.
"All we had to do was change our methods." Bastila added, still warmly. I looked up at her, and allowed myself to say:
"And teacher."
The young woman did not answer. She smiled what seemed to me to be an understanding, if not a complicit smile. A way of saying that she probably shared my opinion without having to say so clearly. I saw the Jedi grab the pebble and hold it out to me proudly, like a trophy. I grabbed it and wiggled it against the palm of my hand for a very brief moment before slipping it into a small pocket.
"Let's not stay here any longer." Bastila said, having now stood up, ready to leave. "You need to rest, Corem."
I nodded my head in agreement. I rose to my feet, and Bastila and I set off in the direction of the Academy, and especially the dormitories, which I was eager to reach. On our way, I had vowed to find Vandar Tokare - the head Master of the Dantooine Jedi Council - the next day and suggest a small change in my training. I knew the old Master was far more open and benevolent than Vrook. Even if my suggestion was turned down, I was certain that Vandar would never make me pay for it.
