The Ebon Hawk was quiet. The crew was taking advantage of the fact that they were waiting for permission to land in Atho to get some sleep. Depending on the administration, this could take a few minutes or several days. As Manaan was under the political control of the Selkath Court of Justice, and was only an autonomous ally of the Republic, the visitors had to comply with their demands. This was a boon to all of us, having just returned from a gruelling adventure on Tatooine.

I was unable to sleep, however. I left the men's quarters and went to the central room of the ship, where all the corridors converged. The room was illuminated only by the myriad of small lights that indicated all sorts of very different things: from the proper functioning or not of everyday devices, to the working state of certain shields essential to the ship's survival when it had to pass through more or less turbulent atmospheres.

I had settled on one of the benches that went partially around the imposing central communicator. I was remembering scenes I had experienced with my chaperone, a way of trying to relive the feeling of those moments.

And it seemed to work.

As we searched for the star maps, I felt more and more drawn to her. And Tatooine hadn't helped me bury my feelings. It might sound a little egotistical, but I had to admit that I had incredibly enjoyed being a major part of Bastila's reconciliation with her mother; of being the one she now felt grateful to. This was not to seek her gratitude in order to flatter my little self, but I guessed there was a possibility of being of other than academic interest to her. Perhaps I had unwittingly found a way for her to look at me in a different light from that of the student obliging to his teacher. Despite moments when she didn't seem to have the strength to keep the barrier up, she had still managed to set significant distances, and I suffered from it. Of course, I never made my feelings for her clear. But it would be a lie to pretend that it was not, at times, perceptible. I tried to think that she must not realise what was going on with me. But the more time went by, the more I resolved that she was aware of it all. It was certain. The bond was not in my favour, that was obvious, but to think that Bastila had not noticed anything was an insult to her intelligence. This mission was a real nightmare. Yet I had no wish to give up and return to a simpler life. I preferred to stay close to her, even if it meant that I would have to endure suffering that I had never experienced before.

I felt a tear roll down my cheek and end up in a glass of water that I was holding in my hands. I watched the tiny ripples that the impact of the tear had caused on the surface of the liquid. I stayed like this for a few minutes. Eventually the water returned to its original consistency. I did not take my eyes off it. I stirred my glass so that the liquid seemed to swirl around inside it.

"Are you going to tell me what's bothering you?"

Surprised, I flinched and raised my head sharply in the direction of the words I had just heard. I waved my right hand vigorously, to rid it of the water it had just received. Bastila was standing in the doorway of one of the corridors to my right. She was looking at me with a look that betrayed genuine concern. I was looking at her too, half-open-mouthed, a little discomfited. Certainly not at the height of my charisma, I had to admit. She must have thought I was pathetic to look at at that moment. But that's not what Bastila was showing. Probably waiting for an answer from me, she allowed herself to come in and sit down next to me. As she moved, I couldn't help but discreetly examine the Jedi from top to bottom; she was dressed in thin, light dark trousers, over which she wore only a simple, short-sleeved, body-hugging top that showed solid shoulders and a glimpse of the shapely, robust musculature of a woman who maintained her physical condition. As she had most likely just woken up, her brown hair was completely loose and waved vaguely in places. Being rather used to seeing it tied up, I could see that it was still reaching the woman's shoulder blades. At that moment, seeing her parade before me in that natural attitude which suited her so well, I found it particularly difficult to totally confine my attraction to her.

Don't look at her. Not too much.

And above all don't trap yourself in the powerful attraction of her gaze, so remarkably unique.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up." I said in a monotone voice, staring at my glass.

"You're not answering my question." Retorted the Jedi, who clearly didn't want to be drawn into any change of subject. I gave a disillusioned sigh, and continued flatly:

"I'm just having trouble sleeping. No particular reason."

Bastila raised an eyebrow in disapproval. "Don't take me for a fool," she must have thought. I let out another defeated sigh. Then I resumed the discussion with the idea of muddying the waters, and avoiding as much as possible to look up at the woman who was holding my gaze with an almost intrusive intensity.

"It' s nothing, Bastila. I'm just a bit worn out."

I heard Bastila take a breath. She was obviously determined to make a fight of it. What else could I expect from her, after all? Bastila had already, on many occasions, demonstrated to me her ability to fight hard and get what she wanted.

"Good. I see I'm going to have to get it out of you. No problem. I'm ready. And the setting is perfect for it: everyone's asleep, we've got nothing better to do."

I finally turned my head towards her, dejected but far from surprised by her last words. She wasn't going to give up. I knew perfectly well that she wasn't going to give up without a viable answer. That left me with two options: come up with a good lie, or tell the truth. Torn between these two possibilities, I plunged into a heavy silence, and began to stir my glass again, which no longer contained much water. I could see Bastila glancing between my glass and my face. Surely seeing that I had lost myself somewhat in my stereotyping, she walked over to me and took the glass from my hands and placed it on the floor beside her.

"I promise, if it pleases you, you will tell me about this glass of water at length, the story of which is undoubtedly very exciting, but only after you have told me what is wrong."

I couldn't help but smile at the line of humour. I appreciated her attempt to lighten the mood, despite her strong desire to understand what was going on. I noticed in passing that she had hardly stepped back after she had taken the glass from my hand. I felt her very close to me. So much so that I could feel the warmth of her breath gently caressing my skin. It didn't make the situation any easier, although it seemed to take on a more pleasant tone.

"I don't know if I can talk to you about this, Bastila. I assure you I want to, but I don't think I should." I finally announced.

"What are you talking about? You know that's why I'm here. I'm here to help you, and to do my best to answer any questions you may have. The Jedi replied, her brow furrowed, her eyes focused on my concerns. I replied enigmatically:

"That's not exactly an answer I'd expect."

I saw Bastila take her eyes off me, and in an uncomfortable silence she stared off into the distance for a moment, as if trying to grasp what I had just said. Then she returned to her original posture:

"I just can't keep up with you, Corem. Please tell me things clearly, once and for all. Are you afraid of what I might say?"

"Yes, Bastila." I replied at once, almost sternly. "And other things."

The young woman stared at me, her gaze conveying questioning and what I imagined to be a hint of offence. A few seconds passed, and then she said with resolution, but also with concern:

"I wish I could guess, but I don't understand. I don't feel any darkness in you, I don't feel that you can sink. Yet I don't need the Force to see that you're not well. Talk to me."

"I'm not sinking. It's a completely different thing. And you won't like it."

I allowed myself a few long seconds of pause. Bastila was watching me patiently. I thought at that moment that she didn't want to push me around and was waiting for me to find the strength to finally talk to her. For once Bastila seemed to show a little psychology, I had to take advantage of it. Hesitantly, I continued:

"There." I announced first, exhaling nervously.

"I have feelings for someone."

Bastila remained silent, and continued to stare at me. She frowned, obviously in a state of incomprehension. Unsure whether she really understood the significance of this announcement, I allowed myself to clarify my words:

"Romantic feelings."

"I understood." She replied, still looking at me, nodding very slightly.

Another silence. A sigh. Hers.

"I see". She added flatly.

She moved back slightly, gained a particularly upright posture, and crossed her arms. I allowed myself a few anxious and shy glances at the woman. Bastila, staring at the ground, let a short period of silence pass, which seemed to me to last for hours, before redirecting her gaze towards me and finally resuming.

"I can't support you in this, as you can imagine. You know my opinion on the matter: the Order's." she began. I looked up bravely at the Jedi, attentive. She continued, her gaze unfocused, accompanying the reflection to come.

"Nevertheless, I can step back and understand how difficult it might be for you; after all, you've had minimalist training, and one can't erase a lifetime of principles and preferences so easily. It might not be desirable, by the way. Not in your case."

She paused again. I didn't take my eyes off her. I saw her frown and regain my gaze, which she held firmly. Thus she resumed her speech:

"But I can't encourage you to pursue anything sentimental with anyone. And I can't forbid you either. It's up to you how you want to handle it. You know my point of view. But you are free. If you decide to start a relationship with the person you have these feelings for, you are free to do so; provided that person is willing, of course. I have no right to stop you, I have no right to give myself that power over you."

I had by this time firmly sealed my eyes on the young woman's. She had just made a rather wise speech. She had just said something rather reasonable, even if it was painful for me. I replied in a resigned voice:

"Don't worry, Bastila. There's nothing to 'start'. You said it yourself, this person has to share my desire. It is not the case, and it never will be." Bastila seemed to perceive the sadness that escaped from my words.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Corem. You don't have to tell me who it is, but my reasoning tells me that it has to be someone from the crew. In which case, you have to be around this person every day. Do you think you can handle that?"

"I don't really have a choice, to tell you the truth." I admitted grimly.

"So it is someone from this crew. The woman added factually, in an ordinary voice.

"I thought I didn't have to tell you any more." I replied defensively. Bastila suddenly raised her eyebrows, as if she had just realised what she had said. She gently placed a hand on my forearm, so as to calm me down on the matter, and answered in a voice that was meant to be reassuring:

"I didn't mean… ou are right. I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone. But think about what I said." Bastila finished, her posture relaxed, her hand still on my forearm.

I gave her a kind smile and nodded in approval. Then she stood up and walked towards the corridor that led to the women's quarters. Before entering, she turned to me one last time, a mischievous but benevolent smile on her lips.

"And if you want to avoid this person, feel free to accompany me in my long hours of meditation."

I grinned back at her, but I couldn't help feeling a little tense. Bastila knew that I hated these endless meditation sessions. And then, as a miraculous solution to avoid the person in question, we could do better. But she didn't know that. For the time being. I watched her slowly make her way back to the dormitories. As I watched her walk away, a sudden, sharp pain shot through my chest.

Please, don't go.

I didn't want to see her go. My body seemed to want me to know. I realised that this conversation should not end like this. Something had to be done before she could get to the quarters. I said too much, it was too heavy. I knew that I couldn't last much longer with her like this, without ever telling her. My brain was boiling, everything was clashing up there, and Bastila would soon disappear into the darkness of the corridor. She had to be stopped. Quickly. I stood up so abruptly and awkwardly that I ended up spilling what little water was left in the glass on the floor.

Quickly.

It was now or never. I might never find the courage to do it again. Something had to be said, at least to stop her in her walk.

"There is no question of meditating with you!" I finally said in a stern tone that I had not controlled. I thought of continuing my argument, but being shocked by what I had just said, I could not declaim further, momentarily speechless.

Bastila turned to me, looking puzzled, and perhaps a little offended.

"Damn it." I thought. "I couldn't have been any ruder..."

Bastila took a few steps towards the room she'd just left, and leaned against the doorframe again, her eyes on me.

"I was joking, Corem, about that. At least partly. I know you don't like these sessions. You don't have to feel pressured." She replied in a cautious voice. She continued, however, in a tone that screamed in my ears that she was very clearly hurt by my words:

"But, from what I've just heard, I can't help thinking that my presence makes it even more unbearable." Bastila then announced, her bitterness seeming to overwhelm me from all sides.

Frozen in my stupor, I simply stared at the Jedi, shaking my head all too subtly. After a few seconds of total silence, she continued:

"You have a problem with me, Corem?" she asked very seriously.

This question hit me so hard that I could not hold back a slight gasp. But I had been so entangled in my own fog before that that I hadn't fully realised it. However, the shock brought me back to life in one fell swoop.

"No!" I replied almost aggressively. "Of course not, Bastila. I continued with exceptional urgency in my voice and gestures.

I moved towards her, still clumsily. When I got within two steps of the young woman, who had not taken her eyes off me, I resumed my catastrophic argument.

"I beg your pardon, I... I'm extremely clumsy. I didn't mean it that way, I swear. I just wanted to say something before you left. Something that's not easy to say, and... I don't know, when I decided to speak, this sentence came out stupidly. It's all very confusing up there. Please don't hold what I said against me. It has nothing to do with you... Well, it is. It is. But not the way you think."

Bastila, as if immersed in a huge sheet of fog, gave an exaggeratedly weary sigh before resuming:

"Could you be a little less clear, please? I don't know how to deal with such an outpouring of detail and precision in your explanations!" She sneered impatiently and irritably, bringing the situation to a particularly high level of tension. I couldn't take it anymore:

It was too much.

"You are that person! It's about you!" I finally confessed with an aggressiveness that seemed to be the logical consequence of the pressure Bastila had put on me. I then added more calmly: "That's what I wanted to say, but I didn't know how. Now I think it's a bit clearer."

A silence fell. A thick silence. A silence that paradoxically told me that I should have kept my mouth shut.

That I had ruined everything.

I now looked at the floor. I felt ashamed. At that moment I regretted speaking. Nothing could be the same as it was before that moment. In my heart I had hopes that she would run into my arms. Of course that couldn't happen. She had made that very clear earlier. She wasn't condoning it. And now I felt foolish, lonely, empty. If only I could go into hiding, never see her again, make this mission end, right here, right now, so I could get away from her and the shame I felt. And at the same time, the idea of never seeing her again was twisting my stomach.

What a misery to have come across this woman's path.

And the silence that went on and on. Was she going to speak? Was she going to get me out of this emotional tidal wave, which I no longer knew how to handle? "Come on, Bastila." I thought. "Say something. Yell at me, lecture me, whatever you want. But don't leave me in this silence."

But she said nothing.

I looked up as quickly as I could before staring at the floor again, to make sure she was still standing in front of me. Under the overwhelming emotion, I could very well have failed to notice that she was gone. But there she was, silent. The situation was becoming absolutely unbearable. I couldn't stand it any longer, so I decided to leave the room and go to the men's quarters. Maybe with a few hours of sleep, this event would fade away and everything would go back to the way it was. I turned my back on the young woman and began to make my way to the men's dormitories, but was immediately caught by Bastila, who held me by the forearm.

"Hey, wait! Don't run away."

I was surprised by the Jedi's tone. I would have expected her to blame me, to use her strictest and most intimidating voice, as she was so good at doing when the situation required it. However, she seemed to be trying to show compassion instead. I turned towards her, anxious, but ready to listen to the rest. Bastila released my arm and, after a deep breath, she spoke:

"That's a pretty big one..." She said uncomfortably before continuing. "I'd like to thank you for your honesty. I think you were right to tell me everything; I don't see how you could have gone on like this. Now we can strategise to make it easier for both of us, and for the sake of the mission."

Strategies?

"It sounds like a corporate conference." I added with a slight, lively chuckle.

I then saw Bastila roll her eyes, clearly exasperated. I was definitely not missing a trick.

"Look, you had a hard time saying things, accept that I too may have difficulty expressing myself on a subject like this." She replied firmly.

"Sorry. You're right." I replied sincerely, a little embarrassed by my childish comment.

There was yet another silence, during which neither of us dared to look at each other frankly. Finally, Bastila continued:

"Since when did you realise.. all this?" She asked, confused.

"To tell you the truth, I think it's been longer than I thought. I think I started looking at you differently when we were on Dantooine. After a few weeks. But I wasn't really aware of it yet." I let a few seconds pass, and then announced painfully, "I beg your pardon, Bastila."

The young woman then looked up at me, her brows furrowed in incomprehension.

"Why ask my forgiveness?" She questioned without really expecting an answer, certainly to emphasise the fact that I was powerless about it. "You didn't choose all this, did you? And our bond must have something to do with this emotional upheaval."

"The bond..." I repeated. I took a moment to think about what Bastila had just said.

She used the pretext of the bond. But the bond worked both ways. And this understanding that she was demonstrating... The ease with which Bastila seemed to take the blame was very curious. Without questioning her ability to show kindness and compassion, she was usually more inclined to be ruthless when she felt that things were not working as they should. But here she was incredibly calm. Worse, she was making excuses for me. It wasn't natural. Why was she acting like this? If it wasn't to clear herself of something she didn't take responsibility for. The bond worked both ways.

"The bond..." I muttered to myself, my eyes unfocused.

I felt Bastila's embarrassment growing, as if she had understood what was going on in my mind. What if, after all, she also had feelings for me?

"You too?" I asked then shyly, my eyes drifting back to the Jedi, brimming with excruciating hope.

"Me what?" She said, visibly very confused, caught in her own trap.

"It's mutual. You too, you... It's mutual." I repeated, gently placing my hand on the Jedi's forearm.

"Stop, please." She replied firmly, stealthily taking a step back to break the physical contact I had just made. I could not take my eyes off the woman.

"Bastila, tell me." I insisted in heartbreaking distress.

"You need to rest, Corem. You're making up stories. It's been a hard night for you." She stepped forward again, took my hand between hers, then added with a calculated hint of warmth in her voice:

"Come on. Let's just forget this ever happened, okay? I don't want you to cause yourself any more harm. Go get some sleep, we'll see you in a few hours. Okay?"

I was still staring into her eyes, incredulous, but also hurt by her attempt to bury the issue.

"You have no right to do that." I told her half-heartedly.

"I'm begging you, Corem."

"You almost forced me to talk to you when I didn't want to. I may have said too much, but it was you who started it all." I added with a tear in the corner of my eye. "I have the right to ask you to do the same. You can't just walk away, leaving me alone in this pain. That's cruel, Bastila."

Bastila remained silent for a few moments. What she was doing was not right. She seemed to realise this. For once, she was cornered. I had pushed her into a corner. Either she would confess, or she would assume that she was leaving all the weight of her feelings on my shoulders.

"Very well." She replied in defeated calm. "Very well."

Before continuing, she left the doorway, and went to sit back down on the bench where we had both started to talk. I followed her with a steady gaze. I found it difficult to hold back the sorrow I felt at seeing her so distraught. I was again regretting having forced her to speak, when she seemed ready to put aside what she had just heard and continue the mission as if nothing had happened. A few minutes earlier I had been dreaming of such a situation. Why did I always have to push things further? No. This time I had to stitch up the wound as quickly as possible. I wasn't going to mess it up any more. I joined Bastila and, without giving her time to resume, I declared:

"Don't say anything. I'm sorry. This discussion has got completely out of hand. You don't have to tell me anything. You're right, we'll put all that aside and get on with what's important: the star maps. And I promise not to let this interfere with..."

"I also have feelings for you." Cut in Bastila, who was obviously determined to talk and wasn't going to let me interrupt her. "There. It's said."

"It's said." I repeated mechanically, caught off guard.

A strange feeling seemed to come over me. A kind of discontentment. I was happy to know that my feelings for her were shared. But it was not as pleasant as I had imagined. I was totally obsessed with this woman, it was a fact. And our respective confessions had not diminished my feelings for her, quite the contrary. But I realised that I would have much preferred it to be otherwise, not under this mutual pressure. I would have liked things to be done with a natural lightness. And now that I knew, I wanted more. It was so silly. Two people who were irredeemably attracted to each other, who had admitted things to each other, but who couldn't try anything.

Dissatisfaction and frustration. That was this uncomfortable atmosphere.

I turned my head towards Bastila. She was curled up, almost huddled, with her elbow on her knee, her thumb and forefinger pinching her lips very slightly. I thought it was a way of dealing with her anxieties. I looked at her. I wanted to comfort her, but any attempt at physical contact would have been very legitimately misinterpreted. But I wanted to so badly. A force was pushing me to go a little further. I wanted to take her in my arms, to feel her nestled against me, to drown in her hair, to lay my lips on her fresh skin. After all, I had already ruined everything. What more could I risk?

"I want to hold you so badly." I finally admitted loudly, but was unable to look at her. A subtle mixture of courage and cowardice.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw the young woman straighten up and face me. I timidly fixed my gaze on hers. I was afraid of the reaction she would have. But I didn't expect to see in Bastila's eyes what I perceived to be a desire to give in, to see if it was so good to feel loved.

I took advantage of this uncertainty to move towards her more frankly, to facilitate a possible contact. My eyes were in hers, this time without the slightest restraint. I never thought this would happen. I decided that I would take care of the steps first. I put my hand on her hand, as gently as I could. I was taking my time. There was no way Bastila would feel trapped. If she wanted it to stop, I would give her all the time she needed. But she didn't do anything of the sort. She held my gaze, but her breathing seemed to quicken, her lower jaw seemed to tremble. She was petrified with fear. Reluctantly I withdrew my hand, for at that moment I thought that Bastila was not in a position to stop anything. But as I touched her skin one last time, I felt a slight pressure against my fingers. It was Bastila, who had placed her hand on mine. I looked up at her, and the doubt and fear in her eyes had given way to something like determination. I knew I had to go for it now, before it all fell apart again. Without warning, I put my other hand on Bastila's cheek and pressed my lips to hers.

Bastila, although tense at the start of this kiss, seemed to welcome the gesture and responded to it, but with shyness and restraint. After all, she had never experienced seduction and all the social codes it could imply. Of course, I didn't hold this against her. I never thought I would go that far with her. And I could clearly say that I was having a wonderful time. For once, since Bastila had woken up from her sleep and joined me here, I didn't feel the need to go any further. The moment was too precious. It was now a matter of enjoying every second of this moment, before Bastila came to her senses and disavowed me, as I expected.

The young woman's skin was cool on the surface, but her lips had retained a reassuring warmth that I enjoyed feeling against my own lips. The hand I left on Bastila's cheek drifted from its place and ended up on the back of the Jedi's head, buried in her hair. I put all my energy into being gentle and tender, a way of showing the sincerity of the affection I had for her. This attitude seemed to have a measure of success with the Jedi, whose initial tension seemed to disappear little by little. She too was enjoying the moment, and was even beginning to show more willingness to respond and give a little more of herself in this kiss. The hand she had left on mine had not moved, but she squeezed it with a new intensity. Her other hand Bastila brought it to my arm, and placed it just above my elbow. The kiss took a different turn, for it was now truly shared. Bastila was at least as involved as I was, and the emotional expression between us was almost explosive. My heart was racing. And that pleasurable pain in my chest that I regularly felt at the touch of the Jedi was at its most intense. It was a moment of total ecstasy. I didn't want to part with her, and I liked to think she didn't want to either. Our separation meant that it was all over for us. We continued our exchange for a few more short seconds, with the same gentleness on my part as on hers; more was not necessary.

But the ringing sound of the communicator ended the kiss. Bastila and I suddenly stopped our moment, both of us caught in a reflex of fear by the machine's unwelcome intrusion. Bastila stood up quickly to stop the deafening beeps, certainly fearing that they might have woken the others. I did not move from my seat. I watched as Bastila busied herself with the communicator. She stood over the machine for a few seconds, probably to read the message that had just been sent to the ship, after the beeps had died down. Then she turned around, leaned on the communicator, arms crossed, and stared at me.

"We are told that we will be able to land in about two hours. She said feverishly, clearly embarrassed by what had just happened between us.

"Very well." I replied, in a monotone voice. I was disappointed with the way things had turned out for us, even though I knew there was no other way out than this.

Bastila stared at me for a short while, worried and certainly a little guilty. Then she turned her head towards the corridor that led to the women's quarters. I understood that she wanted to go there. I didn't want her to. She couldn't just run away after such a long time.

No.

I stood up, which drew Bastila's attention back to me. I was heading towards her. I didn't really know what I was going to do, to be quite honest. But I didn't want her to go away so soon.

"Good." She replied at once, breaking my stride. " I think we should use the remaining time to get some rest."

With these words, Bastila left her place and took one last step towards the dormitories. As she walked, she brushed against me involuntarily, while I was getting close to her at last. As she continued on her way, she gave me a very hasty "see you later". I could still hold her. I could have grabbed her by the arm and stopped her from running away from me. But I didn't do anything. There was no question of forcing her. She wanted to leave. I had to let her go. As painful as it was. I knew it would end that way. Once in the corridor, she turned one last time and added with an almost cruel severity:

"We agree that what just happened will never happen again. I will wipe this moment out of my mind for good. Do the same." With these last sentences, Bastila left the room for good and returned to the women's quarters to rest.

I stared at the familiar hallway in shock. I expected such a turnaround from her. But certainly not such words. Such harshness.

It hurt.

How could she herself bear to say those words? Perhaps she was not as attached to me as I was to her. These thoughts pierced my chest again, which was just recovering from the shocks it had experienced earlier. I didn't want to believe such a thing. Then I could feel some of her feelings for me. No, she really cared about me. I was sure of it. The whole thing was nothing more than a huge mess. A mess I found hard to accept. A few more tears rolled down my cheeks. I stood for a minute by the communicator that Bastila had been leaning on, looking at the corridor she had just walked down. Finally, I came to myself and wiped the tears that had found their way to my chin from my face. Before returning to the dormitories, I took a deep breath, and recovered a more tranquil attitude.

"I don't agree."


Notes:

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