It was time to get up. The ship had finally received final permission to penetrate the atmosphere of Manaan. Carth had already joined the cockpit to manoeuvre the Ebon Hawk, certainly alongside Bastila, who was his co-pilot. In the men's dormitory, I was the only one left. Canderous had left his bed to prepare his equipment before going into Atho. Jolee had vanished from the room; I had neither seen nor heard him leave. There was only me. I had to get up. However, the images of what had happened a few hours earlier were still with me. The words that Bastila had spoken kept pounding into my head. To Canderous, I had pretended to have a bad night and a headache to stay in my bunk a little longer. In reality, I was trying to delay the moment when I would finally meet Bastila. I couldn't escape it anyway. It wasn't that I didn't want to see her anymore, in fact it was quite the opposite. But our encounter of the night would most certainly cast an unbearable chill between her and me, and I didn't want to be confronted with that. However, there was no choice. I couldn't stay cloistered in the dormitory forever. And I wasn't going to avoid the Jedi for the rest of our mission. With our visions and our bond, I certainly couldn't, anyway.
I finally lifted the blanket off me, and put my feet down, ready at last to get moving and join my companions. Before rising from the bunk, I took a deep breath, which I released painfully, my elbows resting on my knees, my hands against my temples. As I was about to stand up, the door to the dormitory opened to reveal Jolee Bindo looking both eager and oddly mischievous. I glanced at him quizzically, and then the man, with a smile on his face, came and sat on the opposite bunk to me, facing me.
"Are you all right, Jolee?" I asked with a suspicion that the old man perceived, which only made him smile wider.
"Better than you, that's for sure!" He announced, amused.
"I have a bad headache."
"I don't believe a word of it!" The Jedi replied in an exaggeratedly loud voice. I stared at him with that same suspicion, and a small tinge of impatience. What the hell did he want then?
I remained silent, waiting for Bindo to finally express what he had to say. He was staring at me too, with that childish look which normally was quite endearing, but at that moment it was deeply annoying. Nevertheless, his childish look suddenly disappeared, and was replaced by a much more serious expression.
"Don't allow the code to destroy what binds the two of you together."
My eyes widened. How did he know? Did he see us? I hoped not, or at least that he would not mention it to Bastila and the others. I stared at him in disbelief. I felt unable to answer. Then he continued:
"I can see what's going on between you and the Order's little protégée, son. I know that your respective little secret has been revealed." He added. "And your respective moods today only confirm what I've said."
Our respective moods? Exactly what I didn't want to hear. What state could Bastila have been in that Jolee found out about us so easily? What happened next was going to be very complicated to deal with. I let out a discreet sigh and, with my eyes in the dark, I finally said a few words:
"What a nightmare..."
"No!" Retorted the old Jedi, who suddenly looked outraged. "Loving someone is not a nightmare, you idiot!"
"Jolee." I began, slightly annoyed by the man's tone and harsh words. "You see I love the wrong person. Of all the women I've ever met or can ever meet, I had to fall in love with the one who doesn't want me."
"Did you get the impression that she didn't want you, during your last little interview?"
I gave Bindo an almost murderous look. I felt abused in a moment that I did not wish to share with anyone but Bastila. I questioned angrily the old man:
"Have you been spying on us, you sick old man?"
"What do you take me for, you young impertinent? An elder like me has the right to go and drink when his old body demands it, doesn't he! And because of your foolishness, I couldn't even satisfy the needs of my carcass. I was very thirsty. I won't thank you both."
I glared at the Jedi for a few seconds. Then I let out an exhalation that reflected my defeat at the whole situation. My eyes went to the ground, my anger at the old Jolee eased, I resumed:
"You see?" I began. "You yourself think we've done something foolish."
Jolee let out a weary grunt. I still wasn't looking at him, but I'd bet he rolled his eyes.
"Do not over-interpret any of my words. Having been married myself, I can assure you that when two people, able to manage their passions decently, nurture a deep love for each other, it only brings them strength and light. The code that forbids us to love in this way is only a barrier to a risk, which is certainly real, of falling. The code is only a rampart that protects us from the fear of the dark side. Only from fear."
I glanced sharply up at Jolee, looking astonished. He had been married? And he was still a Jedi? A flood of questions raced through my brain at that moment. I wanted to know more about his life as a married man, but I also wanted to respond to his words about his view of love, and what I took to be an implied meaning about Bastila and myself. Very selfishly, I chose to dwell on this question first. But I vowed inwardly to take an interest in that part of Jolee's life in the future.
"Clearly, we are not in that category of people capable of managing our passions. Bastila can't." I said in a tone that was meant to be indulgent towards the Jedi. I wasn't accusing her of anything, just stating a fact, without judgment. Jolee got up from the bunk he was sitting on. I followed him with my eyes and waited impatiently for the next part. All of a sudden, this man had become like an oracle, a prophet who would give me all the answers to the questions that were torturing me.
"She underestimates herself." He stated almost sadly. I looked at the Jedi in some disbelief.
Would Bastila underestimate herself? There was a time when I would have laughed out loud at such a statement. However, I had the opportunity to realise that the young woman was much more complex than she revealed. Such self-importance, such a falsely royal attitude, often betrayed a deep unease, unresolved torments and traumas. I realised at that moment that Bastila had always lived in fear of not being worthy. As a child, her mother had made it clear to her violently that she was good for nothing. Later, the Jedi were able to give her the opposite message, telling her all day long how good she was and how hard she worked. The Masters watched her training so closely that she could never afford to let her breath out. This had certainly planted the seed of ambition in her, but at what cost? Bastila had always lived under various forms of pressure. Now she was the Republic's last hope to counter the increasingly powerful forces of Darth Malak. She had never known a time when she could stop. Until last night. I understood that I was the one who could lead her to a more peaceful existence. But she still had to accept the hand I was holding out to her. We were a long way from that. It was very likely that I would never be able to break down the rampart of the Jedi code, which forced the Jedi to remain within the reassuring but reckless confines of the Order's doctrine, preventing us from reaching each other. I was brought out of my thoughts by Jolee, who spoke again in a serious tone:
"Don't let her slip away, Corem. Don't let her wallow in the Order's doctrine."
"What do you want me to do?" I retorted vehemently, getting up from my bunk. "Walk out of the dormitory, run into the cockpit, kiss her, tell her I love her and will never let her go?"
Jolee gave me a dark stare. He certainly understood that the situation I was in was not a simple one. In the face of the Code and Bastila's devotion to the doctrine there was nothing I could do.
"I will not force her, Jolee. " I added.
"So you're leaving the decisions about your story up to her, if I have it right."
"Yes." I said as simply as possible, my eyes firmly sealed in the old Jedi's. "I won't push her into something she doesn't desire. I don't want that."
"That's very responsible." Jolee admitted solemnly. "But, trust me, as determined as she may be to bury the feelings you share, it will all come out sooner or later."
I glanced at the old man. I smiled very slightly and then added:
"That's all I'm asking for."
"I'm sure you are." The man replied, echoing my smile. "But be prepared to deal with it, kid. I don't sense any conflict in you regarding your feelings for her. Unfortunately, Bastila doesn't see it as peacefully as you do. This woman, emotionally, is a walking time bomb. I hope you can help her."
"I know that, Jolee. I'm ready to face whatever challenges come my way."
"Good." He replied simply. He came up to me and patted me gently on the shoulder, then went on:
"Then hurry up and face your very first challenge: a Bastila Shan at the height of her friendliness."
Although I was particularly nervous about finding the young woman in these circumstances, I could not hold back a heartfelt laugh, to which old Jolee responded warmly. The Jedi then turned towards the door, ready to enter the corridor.
"You'll have to tell me about your marriage sometime." I said hastily before he left the dormitory.
The man turned to me and winked at me.
Then he went on his way. I quickly grabbed a thick knitted top and slipped it on, then slipped my bare feet into a pair of shoes before following Bindo. As we walked down the corridor to the communicator room, I called out to Jolee one last time:
"By the way. I'm sorry I called you a 'sick old man' earlier."
The Jedi turned his head in my direction and smiled mischievously.
"I don't blame you, you idiot."
Jolee walked on, and I followed him, chuckling slightly. The old man was definitely incorrigible. But he was a very fine individual, and I was very happy to be travelling with him. Even if it meant that I would regularly be called loads of names. A few steps from the hatch that led to the communicator room, I saw the old Jedi take a circuitous route to the infirmary, which seemed to have become a refuge for him. I continued my steps, my gaze following the man, until I finally reached the central room of the ship. I was standing at the doorframe that Bastila had been leaning against a few hours ago, when everyone was asleep; almost everyone. I glanced around the room and saw some of our small crew, working on a lot of things. Juhani looked like she was studying the data that the Atho authorities had given us. Mission and Zaalbar were both sitting on the benches, obviously deep in discussion. T3-M4 crossed the room from time to time, and was very scrupulous about the maintenance of the ship. HK-47, an assassin droid we had brought back from Tatooine, stood motionless in a corner, waiting for my order. I finally walked over to my companions and quietly greeted them. They all replied very warmly and went on with their little activities. I sighed nervously, and then finally followed my footsteps towards the cockpit. I had to face Bastila sooner or later. I took a steady, determined, if somewhat reluctant, stride. In a few seconds I found myself in the cockpit where Carth and Bastila were sitting. They didn't seem to be manoeuvring the ship yet. We had passed through the atmosphere of Manaan, but we were stationary in the sky over Atho. I took a few more steps forward, then announced myself timidly:
"Good morning, you two."
I saw Carth turn his head frankly towards me, and with a kindly smile on his lips he replied:
"Ah, Corem! Hello. Feeling better?"
I let a very brief moment pass, during which I glanced at Bastila, who had not deigned to direct a millisecond of attention to me. I found Carth's eyes again:
"Yes, nothing too serious. A minor headache." I lied. I turned my eyes back to Bastila, who was staring at the Manaan sky through the huge cockpit windows. She apparently decided not to say a word to me, or even look at me. An attitude that I found particularly unfair. As if to leave a message for the Jedi, I immediately added, almost sternly, my attention to the Lieutenant: "Bad night."
With these words, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bastila suddenly shrug her shoulders, and heard her utter a short, concise breath. I clenched my jaws and glanced coldly at the young woman, although she was not facing me and could not see my very unfavourable expression. What the hell was I doing? We'd parted rather harshly a few hours before, but we weren't clearly engaged in a conflict. And the speech Jolee had given me a little earlier had instead instructed me to be lenient and stand by the woman. Why was I acting like this, like a disappointed suitor? I had spent the best minutes of my amnesiac existence that night in the company of a person who, from a very young age, had lived only by totally archaic precepts. I had no right to blame her for not knowing how to detach herself from that. I had no right to blame her for being tormented by what we were going through. And that wasn't the way I was going to help her deal with the turmoil inside her.
"Restless dreams." I lied again. I had a desire to erase the indelicate words I had said earlier. I wasn't sure if this false precision would really achieve that goal.
Carth glanced at his copilot, still deeply focused on the sky and the expanse of sea that covered the entire surface of the planet.
"Ah, so that's why you're in such a lovely mood?" The Lieutenant asked Bastila, well aware that the Jedi and I regularly shared dreams and visions.
At last the woman left the invisible spot before her and turned her eyes to the man. Then, after an annoyed sigh, I saw her turn her head very slightly towards me, arms crossed; she looked at me for barely a second before regaining Carth's gaze.
"Your comments on my mood, keep them to yourself, Carth." Bastila snarled.
Carth let out a long exhale, before rising from his seat and heading down the corridor to the communicator room. Before disappearing, he asked with a touch of weariness in his voice:
"I think I need a break. Corem, I know you can handle the contacts with the authorities. Could you cover for me while I share a few minutes with some warmer companions?"
I gave the Lieutenant a troubled look, tacitly imploring him not to leave me alone with Bastila. But he paid no attention to my silent request and left the cockpit before I could even formulate an answer. With my eyes on the ground, I sighed and finally went to sit in Carth's seat. As I shuffled around to make myself as comfortable as possible, I heard Bastila huffing quite clearly. I turned my head slightly towards her, avoiding looking directly at the young woman. Nothing else happened, so I returned to my original position, still in silence. The first minute passed without us speaking to each other. Then a second. Finally, while I was trying to kill time by counting the stitches in the hem of the top I was wearing, Bastila finally spoke, in a distant voice:
"We have no clue where the star map is."
I finally moved my head towards her, truly staring at her for the first time since I had entered the cockpit. Indeed, Bastila and I had not experienced a vision that would provide us with some images of the Manaan star map. This was quite unfortunate, as we relied heavily on them to find them.
"I know." I replied darkly. A few seconds passed, and then I spoke again more strongly:
"Revan and Malak were able to find them. Without vision. We can do it too. It's not like Manaan has countless cities. There's only Atho. Surely we can find people who can help us. This is certainly how Revan and Malak must have done it. We just need to do the same."
Bastila did not reply. She stared again at the sky before her. Then she finally turned her attention to me, her arms still crossed.
"In any case, we don't have much of an alternative. " She finally said. "Let's hope that a vision will come to help us, though. It would save us precious time."
"Yes, let's hope so." I repeated flatly.
A new silence fell. After these few strangely cordial interactions, I expected these voids to be more bearable. It was not. This situation always made me particularly uncomfortable. There was nothing natural between Bastila and me anymore. It was expected. But it was still very hard to take.
I glanced at the young woman, who appeared to be lost in thought. After our encounter that night, she had made it clear that she wanted that kiss out of her mind. And she had also made it clear that I should never mention the matter again. Only, as I tried my best not to focus on the woman, I realised that I would never be able to do what she wanted. I couldn't erase this from my memory, and I couldn't remain in the hazy, uncomfortable atmosphere of a story that had not been brought to a conclusion, whether it was favourable or not. I turned my gaze to the controls of the ship in front of me. For a moment I watched the choreography of the lights and other small diodes flashing arbitrarily. As if to escape from my thoughts. But nothing seemed to be able to pull me away from the image of me tenderly embracing the young woman on my right, just two metres away. And this unbearable silence. It had to end.
"Sorry about earlier." I announced, my eyes vaguely directed at Bastila. "When I said 'bad night.'"
I saw the young woman frown slightly, without looking at me. She shrugged again, this time following a quiet breath she seemed to have taken. I also noticed the shape of the jaws appearing under her skin, jaws which she must surely have been clenching at that moment. Then, suddenly, some of these indicators, which betrayed a growing tension in her, disappeared: Bastila released her breath in an assertive exhale, her jaws looked like they were relaxing, yet she kept her eyebrows furrowed. At last she said a few words, in a cruelly ordinary voice:
"That is none of my concern, Corem."
These were particularly painful words. I might have expected her to take offence, to get angry, to lash out at me. No. She wanted to distance herself from what was between us, to no longer be associated with it. I glanced carefully at the corridor behind us, to make sure that no one could witness our conversation at the moment. I saw no one but the two of us, so I returned to Bastila's closed face and answered responsibly, but quietly.
"Bastila, we can't pretend nothing happened."
"That was our agreement." She retorted in a sharp whisper.
"No." I retorted insolently, in a reproachful voice. An attitude that drew the Jedi's gaze to me. We watched each other for a moment, like two duelists analysing the other's attitude, preparing to strike the fatal blow. A duel I did not intend to lose. I continued before she could:
"You agreed to this on your own, you didn't ask me at any point." I said accusingly.
"I don't want to talk about it." She said firmly, her eyes locked in mine.
"Bastila, I'm not asking for a continuation of what happened." I replied with a little more pedagogy.
At the unspoken mention of our kiss, I saw the Jedi turn her eyes to something in front of her, biting her inner cheeks. It pained me to see her like this, but I had to make my point.
"I just wish we could talk about it, clear the air, and get on with things more serenely. And I promise you I won't torment you again with all this. I just want us to be able to say that it happened, and that it won't happen again; without any suffering, without any conflict, without any discomfort. And without being in denial, without trying to completely eradicate this moment from our minds."
I had barely finished my sentence when Bastila cut me off and announced, in a stern and unrestrained voice, these words that were totally assumed:
"Do what you want with your memories, but don't make me keep the images of a moment that I deeply regret and that makes me gag when I think about it."
What?
I found myself paralysed by what I had just heard. I found myself unable to respond, unable to think, unable to speak, almost unable to breathe. I felt bad, weak and disgusting. She had just made me the most repulsive being in this sector of the galaxy. I could feel it in our bond. Yet she had invested in what we had experienced with each other. At least as much as I did. I was sure of it. It didn't make sense. Why was she looking at me with such disdain at that very moment? Why those cruel words? After a few too many seconds, I could finally catch my breath, even if it was panting. I finally took my eyes off the Jedi and returned to the cluster of diodes in front of me, which I then stared at in shock. I had never felt as strongly that Bastila hated me as I did at that minute. Yet the gods knew how stormy our beginnings had been. I didn't understand anything anymore. A few hours earlier she had confessed her feelings for me. Now she was expressing her disgust for me with a striking look. Had I finally dragged her into an act she really didn't want? Had she not been able to say no to me? I felt so ashamed, so pathetic for not having been able to detect it. What did that make me now? A despicable being who had taken advantage of a young woman's torment? How did she see me now?
"I beg your pardon." I said in a trembling voice, like that of a child about to cry, my eyes staring at the diodes in front of me. "I didn't realise. I should have realised. I'm so sorry." I added, turning my head towards her, out of respect for the person I had caused pain to.
Bastila had not taken her eyes off me. At the end of my messy apology, I was surprised to see her frown more, visibly in deep confusion. Slowly, the young woman's features relaxed. And the stern, even accusatory look she had had until now was replaced by a curiously bitter expression. All the more curious because I could see that it wasn't directed at me. Bastila finally took her eyes off me and lost them in the space, clearly deep in thought. For a short time we remained in silence, avoiding each other's gaze. Then a sound of footsteps ended the silence, far away in the corridor behind us. Carth was surely returning to his post. Without missing a beat, I rose from the seat, ready to hand it over to the Lieutenant. My sudden movement seemed to draw Bastila's attention back to me, who was now staring at me with a strangely embarrassed expression, following me in my movements. As I freed myself from the cockpit, I saw the beginnings of Carth's boots at the end of the corridor, approaching the cockpit. Once I was behind the seat, I took one last look at Bastila, who still had her eyes on me. We looked at each other for a couple of seconds, then I nodded before breaking eye contact for good. She did not respond to my gesture. I then turned towards the corridor, and entered it. I passed Carth, who put a friendly hand on my shoulder and smiled warmly. I took the opportunity to tell him that no message had been sent in his absence, and went off to the ship's tiny sanitary cell, where I was to prepare for our next landing.
