One last more aggressive attack finally shattered Bastila's already shaky but persistent confidence to the core. After recovering from the circular motion I had undertaken to unsettle the fallen Jedi's resolve, I had placed a safe distance between her and myself and could hear a sound, very sharp and very brief, clattering against the metallic floor. As I gathered my breath, I allowed myself a fleeting moment of inattention, to track down the source of the sound. My gaze then fell to the ground. It saw half a lightsaber rolling around at Bastila's feet, projecting little sparks of yellow and white in the air. I raised my eyes to the Sith, who stood motionless staring in disbelief at the piece of metal that had been such a fearsome weapon only a few seconds ago. She regained her composure as the other half of her saber, in the exact same condition as the other, superficially burned the hand that still held it. At this sudden and aggressive sensation, Bastila instinctively dropped the piece, which hit the platform with the same bright and precise metallic clatter. Her gaze, however, remained fixed on the floor. Her mouth semi-closed, catching her breath, revealed her total incredulity at her unquestionable defeat. I too remained static. I was looking at her. At this point, I had no idea what to do. Seeing her in such pain overwhelmed me with sorrow and compassion. Despite my own grief, I knew that the mission had to come first, before the uncertain future of a single individual; however, I had to admit that my priority, since the Leviathan, was to bring her back to her own.
All of a sudden, Bastila partially turned her back to me, and walked over to the control board that was monitoring the giant hologram of the huge room in which we were both standing. I did not move, keeping a watchful eye on the young woman. Once in front of the machine, I saw Bastila lay each of her hands flat on its surface. A subtle voice within me warned that she was certainly plotting some type of counter-attack, that I should be careful and not let my guard down. But another part of me was convinced that the fight was over. Bastila was defeated. We both knew it. I suddenly narrowed my eyes at her as I heard her hands slam down with tremendous violence against the device. This was followed by a furious howl, which caught me completely off guard. Realising that the woman had destroyed the machine by the sheer force of her muscles and the power of her torment, I recklessly dropped my lightsaber, which deactivated as it fell to the floor, and ran to Bastila, now broken down crying, her hands still pressed against the computer - or at least, what was left of it. When I reached her, I instinctively placed my hands on her shoulders, but the woman aggressively pushed me away, on the verge of physical violence.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" She shouted, so full of that painful wrath that it threw me into a rare state of disarray.
I chose to respect Bastila's request and immediately backed up a few steps away from her. I found myself still standing helplessly. I took a few seconds to look at her again. Her hands were covered in blood, and it seemed that bits of glass and metal were rising from them, contributing greatly to the bloodshed. My jaws clenched shut I turned my head aside; it was an unbearable sight. Bastila's sobs made me glance in her direction again. Gradually I could feel a new wave of anger building in her, about to break out again. Bastila then released another howl, this one combined with the crying, which made it less frightening, but much more heartbreaking. The young woman's face, soaked with tears, appeared to be trying to free all the pain she was feeling, without ever really succeeding. This time I resolved not to listen to Bastila's demands and, with determination, I went to meet her again. With unwavering resolve, I grabbed her wrists and lifted her hands, which were then being mutilated against the shattered terminal, and drew her a few feet away.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" She shouted again as I forced her into physical contact. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" She added while struggling, vainly. I refused to loosen my grip.
I held her wrists tightly. I glared at her authoritatively. I wanted her to understand that I was not about to give in. Slowly I felt Bastila's resistance weaken. She struggled with less and less strength, and eventually she no longer struggled at all. Many times I heard her repeat the words "leave me alone", but with irregular, diminishing energy, and then the words finally drowned in a stream of tears. Despite my own grief at this moment, I started to feel more confident. I gently released the grip, and took the time to study the young woman's hands. They were drenched in blood. The pieces of metal and glass that were still buried in the flesh were fortunately large enough and distant from any essential mobility ligaments that they could be removed quickly, without much need for precision. I lifted my eyes to her, and, with softness and warmth, I announced:
"This has to be pulled out, Bastila."
The young woman simply nodded, without saying a word. In my opinion, this was an encouraging sign. She had apparently come out of her rage, and her consent to be healed meant that she was perhaps ready to be saved. So I proceeded with the task, which I carried out with rigour and carefulness. I allowed myself to be relatively slow in my actions. Although the situation at hand required me not to delay, I thought that the woman deserved to be cared for, however minor the wounds were. And I still had the fear of not succeeding in bringing her back - the fear of being near her for the last time. Bastila gave a very slight moan in pain, but remained in a weary calm. She and I knew better than anyone that she had been through much worse than this. As I tried to bandage the wounds with the resources at hand, Bastila, who looked totally lost, her eyes blank, spoke in a weak voice:
"I lost."
I stopped moving and looked up at her.
"It's just a fight." I replied calmly before resuming and completing my attempt at healing. After securing the remnants of tissue around her last hand as best I could, I let my own tenderly wrap it around hers.
"It's much more than that. I thought the power of darkness would stand by me in a way the Force of the Order never had before. I thought I had finally found my place."
"You already had your place, Bastila." I retorted promptly.
"I don't know." The fallen Jedi said softly.
I went on strongly, although careful not to squeeze her wounded hand between my own:
"Yes, you do. You know it perfectly. The light, it's always there, deep inside you. It may not burn as brightly as it should, but it will never fade because that is your very nature. It will always be there to make you doubt when you take a path that is too dark. Know this, and you will understand that you do not belong here in the dark side. It has given you strong powers, that is a truth; you have demonstrated them to me, but yet you have not been able to take over. What use are these powers to you, Bastila, if they do not even allow you to best a being who now serves that light you seem to despise so much?"
Bastila remained silent for a few long seconds. Then she corrected herself:
"I got lost."
"The very fact that you realise this is a wonderful proof that you are coming to your senses." I added, with a discreet yet benevolent smile.
"Yes." She just said.
At this single word, my smile only grew, and, without realising it, I gently stroked Bastila's bandaged hand, which I still held between mine. But Bastila's gaze was as dark and defeated as before. She slowly freed herself from me, and took the few steps that separated her from my saber, patiently lying on the ground, awaiting its owner. I watched her with questioning, squinting eyes. The young woman knelt down and took the saber in both hands. She turned around and seemingly joined me again. I was confused. I froze in place, waiting for Bastila to come back to me. I felt no distrust at all - which might have sounded quite irresponsible. . On Lehon, I hadn't been careful either. And Bastila had thrown herself at me, saber ready to slice my flesh. This was stronger than me. I just couldn't believe she could do what she had already done. After all, she was the Sith Lord's apprentice walking towards me, my weapon in hand, while I stood there unarmed. It was the perfect moment for her. An opportunity to murder me effortlessly. However, I was not trying to be vigilant and cautious about the current situation.
The young woman finally got to me and, against all expectations, she handed me the saber. I glanced at the weapon first, then looked up at her with a bewildered and interrogative expression.
"Please take it. " She said. Confused, I nevertheless obliged. As I finally held the weapon, Bastila wrapped her hands around mine, stepped closer to me, and gently pressed the weapon against her abdomen. Without ever letting go of me, Bastila declared in an icy, resolved voice:
"Come on. Let's get this over with."
I suddenly gazed at the woman, with wide eyes, in complete disagreement with her request. I shook my head from left to right and back again, repeating "no, no, no" in a firm but sorrowful whisper.
She couldn't want this. And she couldn't ask me to do it. That was something I could never accept. What would become of me if this woman was no longer part of my world? I realised at that moment how much I had denied myself such an outcome, how much I had convinced myself that she would eventually come back to me. What she was asking of me just now was simply unthinkable. I couldn't possibly do it, obviously, but even more importantly, I couldn't possibly consider such a scenario. It was not an option in the scheme of things I had made up in my mind.
"Do it." Bastila added calmly, pulling me out of my turmoil. I maintained my attitude. "Please, there's no time." She begged, tears streaming down her pale cheeks. I clenched my jaws, sniffed hard to hold back my own sobs, avoiding the woman's heartbreaking gaze. "You can' t leave me suffering like this, Revan." She tried again, her hands gripping mine a little tighter. Tight enough to soak her bandages generously with her blood.
No.
I stood there prostrate in my position. Then Bastila raised her voice and shouted, covered in tears: "DAMN IT, REVAN! KILL ME!"
"NO!" I shouted back. A few seconds passed during which we stared at each other, gasping for breath. Then I continued angrily, my voice echoing throughout the huge room:
"How can you think for one moment that I could kill you?"
Bastila said nothing. She was staring at me, apparently trying to fight back her tears.
"After all we've shared, how can you ask me such a thing?" I insisted.
"Because that would be a fair giving-back!" She replied with the same ardour. "If I am to be killed, it is legitimate that the gesture comes from you. After all I've done to you!"
"What have you done to me, Bastila?" I questioned sharply, keeping the tension between the two of us at a barely tolerable level.
"I have made you a puppet of the Order! A brainwashed machine! We played with your memories, we played with your identity, to extract information from you, for..."
"For the survival of the Republic and the people threatened by the empire that 'I' ruled." I clarified strongly, and then went on in a softer tone, "You had no other option."
"That doesn't diminish the horror of the acts that have been committed against you, for which I am responsible."
"It's true that without your intervention on the bridge of my ship, the Jedi wouldn't have done to me what they did. But, Bastila, it was either that or death! I would much rather be in the situation I was forced into, allowing me to atone for some of my past crimes, than to die without the opportunity to redeem myself, and to help those I once condemned. Bastila, you are the only one who blames yourself for what happened to me. I am grateful to you."
We stood in another moment of silence, which almost punctuated this particularly exhausting dialogue. It was like a salutary pause in this distressing time. I looked at Bastila, my forehead wrinkled, my gaze both beaten and compassionate.
"There's no way I'm going to grant your request." I finally stated solemnly.
Bastila looked like she was thinking, speechless. I took advantage of this situation to move the lightsaber away from her body, and once I had done so, I attached it to my belt. Bastila merely followed the action with her eyes, but did not react further. I was not going to kill her. Tears continued to roll down the young woman's cheek. She was brought out of her apathy by a pressure against the fresh skin of her hands. I saw the woman lift her gaze and could note that I had again grasped them between my own. Since we had been travelling together, I had always worked with gentleness towards her. At least since I had realised how I felt about her. She stared at her hands, sheltered in the reassuring shell of mine. The freshness I had felt was beginning to fade, and from the touch of my skin against hers, a comforting warmth was softly radiating.
"It was just too heavy for me." Bastila finally said.
"Of course it was heavy." I responded. "You've been carrying the entire weight of the galaxy on your shoulders ever since Malak and I returned from after the Mandalorian Wars. You have been brought to the forefront and given a burden that would have crushed anyone else in your place. But you carried that burden. And when more was added, you didn't fail." At this, Bastila looked up at me; she was listening.
"I didn't fail?" She repeated in disbelief. "How can you say such a thing? I failed you. I failed to guide you properly. Look at me! Is this the face of someone who didn't fail?"
"It took me a long time to come to terms with it, but it was inevitable, Bastila. As it was for many of the people who crossed my path. People I care about." I retorted, my eyes sealed in the fallen Jedi's, my hands gripping her more tightly.
She had to listen to me. She had to come back.
"Since I have known you, you have never stopped sacrificing yourself for me. I've realised that, but you clearly haven't even figured that out yet. You've spent the last few years risking your life for mine. For the life of a guy who turned against his allies, who committed so many crimes. You've tied your life to mine. Do you realise the significance of such a decision? Please don't argue that you were acting on the orders of the Council, for that argument does have its limitations. And you have gone far beyond them. Bastila, during these months together, you have placed my balance and my well-being before your own. I have seen you put yourself in impossible situations, sometimes just to get me out of silly situations, but sometimes to save my life when I was acting like an irresponsible child. Because I know that I have been at times a turbulent student, sometimes a little too invested in finding ways to drive you crazy."
Bastila flashed a discreet grin and seemingly nestled her hands a little more between mine.
"And now you are blaming yourself for falling? For betraying your cause and your friends? I honestly don't know how you could have managed with all that you've endured for so long, mainly because of me. I am the one who is really responsible for all this. But the person I have the opportunity to be today, I owe it to you. Only you. You have done so much more than guide me, Bastila. No one has ever done so much for me." I paused briefly and added: "I will never let you down, I told you that on Lehon. Now it's your turn to have to put up with my 'unbearable presence with you'."
I had uttered this last sentence rather artificially, with an amused smile. It echoed the speech Bastila had given me a few months earlier, on Dantooine, when I had learned that she would be responsible for the rest of my training. Through her tears, Bastila couldn't help but let out an exhausted but genuine laugh. She said weakly, though with somewhat timid humour: "It' s not nice to use things I've said to turn them against me.
"Not 'against' you." I allowed myself to underline, even though I fully understood that Bastila was just joking as best she could in this difficult situation. Nevertheless, I did not want to leave any room for ambiguity.
"I know that." She replied simply.
"Come back, Bastila." I begged promptly, resolved to bring her out of her darkness. "Come back. We're all ready to welcome you, it's up to you now."
"I don't know, Revan."
"Of course you do. I know you'll come back. Face that small light in you, waiting for you to rekindle it. It's never going to die out, so you might as well keep it alive, right?" I let go of the woman's hands to reach her shoulders.
Silence was trying to settle in. A silence that I did not wish to endure, so I went on, with a semblance of a teasing look:
"In any case, you don't have much of a choice, Bastila. I wasn't planning on not getting you out of here." The woman smiled again, but her face was still suffused with unbearable despair.
"You place far too much hope in me." The Jedi announced at last, a defeated look on her face.
"I place hope in people who are worth it. You, of all people, are worth it. Bastila." I countered, confident. But I had to admit that I was getting impatient. Bastila was doing everything to diminish herself. Our jousting continued for a short time:
"If I were to come back, how do you know I wouldn't betray you again?"
"By my complete and unwavering trust in you." I retorted.
"You're not wise."
I sighed wearily. I grabbed my lightsaber and placed it in Bastila's hands. I faithfully reproduced the situation in which we were earlier. But this time I was the one at the mercy of the young woman.
"What are you doing?" Bastila asked, as incredulous as I felt when I was the one holding the lightsaber.
"I am giving you the opportunity to know where you stand. Activate the blade, and you have everything you thought you wanted: success, power, authority, fame."
"What if I don't?"
"Then you'll be back in the world you were in before. And I will be there to help you. I won't fail you. I swear."
Bastila focused on the saber I was forcing her to hold against me. It was time. Yes. It was time to open up a little more. It was time to let my heart say a few words. My brain had given all it had to give, with what I felt was a very limited success at the time. Now I had to talk to her about the things she had always refused to hear, even though I knew in my heart that these were things that we shared for each other, but that we had no right to live. After a few seconds of almost total silence, whereas I wanted to tell her everything - from those few moments on the Endar Spire when I observed her with a curious and fascinated eye, passing by a detailed description of the pains in my chest at each of her glances on me, at each of her breaths, at each word she spoke, and finally this pure happiness and joy which flooded me by her simple presence by my side - I was seized by an unprecedented shyness, and only told her :
"I need you."
Bastila raised her eyes to mine, visibly waiting for me to go on. But I too was gripped by a powerful emotional turmoil, as if I could no longer contain what I had been holding in since I entered this room. My cheeks drowned in rivers of tears. Bastila was looking at me emotionally. And with the same gentleness that I myself had shown up to that point, she drew back the saber from my abdomen, then hung it up on my belt; as she did so, she answered in a whisper:
"As I need you."
I couldn't take my eyes off the woman. I couldn't even answer at the time. There I was, staring at Bastila, my mouth partially closed, my breath coming in gasps, my mind struggling in a powerful emotional whirlwind. More tears rolled down my skin, some of them ending up in my dark beard. At that very moment I didn't know what I should or could do. What to say. What to answer. We knew we had fallen in love with each other, but I didn't expect that kind of declaration from her. I had been dreaming for so long that she would speak to me in this way, that she would give me such a statement. That she would look at me the way she was looking at me now.
Bastila timidly approached me and, with her eyes then fearfully directed to the floor, she came and grasped one of my hands. I was silently stunned by the gesture and reflexively took a deep breath, before calming myself down and simply enjoying the contact between the woman and me. But as I realised that she seemed increasingly uncomfortable, I understood that the silence and apparent lack of response on my part might be interpreted, to some extent, as rejection. So before the Jedi could retract, I closed the remaining gap between us and embraced the woman, my still free hand finding its home on the back of the lost Jedi's neck. At the same time I nestled between Bastila's shoulder and neck. I gave several sustained sighs, as if to hold back the tears that had been pouring down. The scene could be abominable to see for souls like some of our dear Masters: the former Dark Lord, pressed up against the wonder student Bastila Shan, sinking into more and more heartbreaking tears. Yet I had rarely felt more at home than I did at that very moment. I had never felt such harmony, such ease with anyone. All the guilt I felt, the feelings I suppressed, the fear that I had lost her forever, all seemed to come to a culmination right now, and, in the comforting touch of her skin, lulled by her breathing movements, I found myself unable to channel my emotions. She was there. She was finally here.
The woman released my hand, which she had always kept firmly between hers, and then came to embrace me by the waist. She laid her head gently against mine, and allowed tears to escape from her tired eyes. I also completed my move by resting my now free hand on the woman's shoulder blade. I had grown somewhat calmer, but the slight flinches I could not control betrayed persistent sobs.
"I'm here." She whispered reassuringly.
These few words resonated intensely within me. I tightened my embrace slightly, fearing that she might disappear, as if to make sure that this moment was real.
"Why are you trying so hard to look after me?" Bastila asked nervously and rather awkwardly.
I lifted my head and stood back far enough to meet the young woman's eyes. I found myself doubtful; the answer was so obvious to me. Bastila knew it too. Only I realised that she had to ask the question. She needed to. Certainly seeing that I was just staring at her without saying a word, Bastila resumed, more sharply, with new tears welling up in her eyes:
"Why?" I still didn't answer. "Tell me." She begged in a whisper.
"Because I love you." I finally admitted, wiping my face wet with the last of my tears. "I love you." I added simply, as if to make the announcement purer, rawer, more authentic.
Bastila stared at me firmly, but her features had softened. She didn't react any further at the time, but eventually asked: " You didn't want to tell me?"
Bastila must have sensed my hesitation to tell her what we had both known for a long time, only the exact words had never been spoken.
I couldn't manage to keep my eyes on her. After a short sigh, I responded:
"It hurt me to confess this to you, knowing there would be no return." I admitted. "It's a bit selfish, I agree. What I've felt for you all this time hurts, because it's a vain hope. I know you don't want the same thing as..."
"I love you." She cut in. I glanced at her, completely unprepared for this declaration, spoken with such resolution. "And whether that love comes from the bond or not, I understand now that it doesn't change anything in the end. It is there. And... It's comforting."
I listened to her with unwavering attention. But what to say? She had admitted that she loved me, and that this brought her comfort, but I didn't want to rush into things too quickly, and draw conclusions. And I was afraid that the words I might say next would ruin everything. Bastila took one of my hands in hers again and asked:
"If I came back, would you want me in your life?"
In my life? Was she asking me to be part of my life. Was she asking me exactly what I had dreamed of for so long?
"Only if you want me in yours." I replied with some obviousness.
Bastila let out a soft laugh, betraying the poorly managed emotion, and then wiped away a few tears that were dripping down her chin.
"Welcome then." She said shyly, in a weak voice.
I smiled so expressively that it was almost hurting, and I pulled Bastila into another embrace. I hold her even tighter than the first time; I wanted to let her know how happy I was, and that I wanted to share it with her. But she was perfectly aware of this. The bond between us allowed us to feel each other's emotions, partly. And Bastila seemingly had broken down the barriers at last, so our bond exploded with the emotion that had been held back until then. For the very first time, I could feel all the affection Bastila had for me, all the feelings she was so tightly locking up during our quest for the star maps. I could no longer doubt her love for me; it was real, as strong as mine was for her. And she couldn't turn back so easily now. Allowing the link to expose her feelings for me was an extraordinary display of dedication. Yes, she was sure of herself. She had decided to assume full responsibility. I loosened my grip slightly and pressed my lips to Bastila's. In that kiss I poured all my love into her. In this kiss I released all my love for her, all the tenderness I was forcing myself to contain. Bastila responded to the kiss with the same ardour, and visibly with the same need to prove that she would no longer falter, and that she had made up her mind. From now on she would stay with me, and I with her. It didn't matter what the Masters would say. We now knew what was right for us; my balance was through her, and her balance through me.
Suddenly an explosion sounded so intense that the room seemed to shake for a moment. Bastila and I ceased our exchange, taken aback by the noise. In our moment we had almost forgotten that the situation was dramatic. Bastila was no longer using her Battle Meditation in favour of the Sith, so the Republic had slightly better luck than they had at the start, and occasionally succeeded in some of their attacks. However, against the gigantic fleet of the Star Forge, the Republic was still not in a very favourable position.
"I need to get back to my meditation, for the Republic." Bastila said, very lucid about the current chances of the Republican fleet in destroying the space station.
"Yes. And it's not over for me either." I replied, eyeing the huge hologram in the centre of the room.
Then I turned to the door that led to the command centre, where Darth Malak was. Bastila rested her hand on my back, drawing my attention back to her one last time before I left for my final duel. I reached out and stroked her cheek as I gazed at her fondly.
"Be careful." She told me.
"You too."
She smiled soberly.
"Jolee and Juhani must still be on the other side of the door. Please open it, so they can watch over you while you meditate." I added.
Bastila nodded and complied, leaving the way clear for the two Jedi, who soon entered the room, but kept a respectable distance from Bastila and myself. I took a few more seconds to place one last kiss on the young woman's lips before leaving for Malak. Bastila welcomed the gesture with a very slight embarrassment, fully aware that we were being watched from afar by Jolee and Juhani. She needed time to get used to this new way of behaving. I could feel the young woman's unease. So I quickly ended the interaction, cast a last look at Bastila, offered her a knowing and understanding smile, and headed down the corridor to Malak.
