On her sternum is a circle of letters spelling out "NOELLE!" They're branded in a shimmering light that tints her fur a bright, deep red.
A soulmate mark. Or a soul mark. The first words her soulmate will say to her in the first place they'll touch, written in the color of their soul. Visible only to her.
Honestly, you would think that with so many clues she would have found them by now.
Of course, she knows that lots of people don't find their soulmates until they're adults. Some don't even find them until they're old and grey, though that's pretty rare. But a lot find them as teenagers or even kids. Catti and Jockington did. She'd even been there for it.
"Wassup, dude?" he had said, raising the end of his tail for a high five. He would later reveal that there, encircling the tip, was written "Oh." in bright purple light.
"Oh," Catti had said, so shellshocked she had returned the high five. On her palm had been written "Wassup, dude?" in bright yellow light, which she would only reveal much, much later.
That had been quite the day. Jockington, M.K., Temmie, and pretty much everyone else had freaked out loudly. Including her. Catti had freaked out, in her own quiet, reserved way. Kris had seemed surprised but ultimately unperturbed. Like with everything.
It had been a bit of a wakeup call. Soulmates are real, was the distinct thought that had run through her head. Which she thinks she knew on some level, but that had made it real. It was right in front of her. Not in the same way her parents' marks were ("You know you're a hot piece of work, right?" in bright orange on her palm and "Get away from me, you little irritant," in bright blue on his cheek, apparently). Or in the way that she knows not to bring up soulmates around Aunt Tori or Uncle Asgore.
She wondered a lot about who her soulmate would be. She still does, but it had been really bad back then. For a moment, she had even fancied that it might have been Kris. They a red soul, after all, the light of it swirling in the brown of their eyes. But she quickly dismissed the thought after a bit of research. They're mute, and soulmate marks for mute persons are just a print of the contact they make.
She did a lot of research.
She learnt that soulmate is a bit of a misnomer. Really, the more apt description would be "most romantically compatible person." Just because they're your soulmate doesn't mean a relationship with someone else won't work out (Kris was actually the one that showed her that study), or that a relationship with your soulmate automatically will. It didn't for Aunt Tori and Uncle Asgore, she finds out years later. And she's consumed, for a short while, of fears of that happening with her soulmate. That they'll meet and fall in love and get married, only for it to all fall apart years later. And she'll be stuck with the knowledge that even the most compatible person in the world wasn't right for her.
She tries not to think about that.
She also learnt that the first words and first touch don't actually have to occur at the same time. They often don't. If she were living anywhere else than Hometown, that maybe would have carried her away with fantasies of having brushed shoulders with her soulmate before, yet to trade words with them. But she'd spoken to everyone in Hometown pretty much before she'd even been able to speak.
It still sweeps her into fantasies, but of the completely different kind. Of going to some amazing college. Someone will see her at orientation or something and fall head over heels for her. They'll march up to her, take a look at her nametag (sometimes they ask someone else her name or somehow look it up in some sort of student registry), and exclaim, breathless, "NOELLE!"
Other times it's the fantasy of someone moving to Hometown. Or a transfer student from another country. It'll be love at first sight for them. She'll touch them and say something, and they'll be rendered speechless at the knowledge of her being their soulmate. Then they'll get nervous and stay quiet. There'll be an accident. She'll fall or get hurt. And they'll be so overcome with concern that they shout, "NOELLE!" and rush over, touching her gently, reverently, on her chest, right over her sternum, and she'll realize.
None of that happens, of course. The months and years drag by slowly. Elementary school, then middle school, and then high school. No-one touches her in the chest and shouts her name. No-one moves to Hometown. Everything stays static.
Until junior year of high school when Susie moves to Hometown. She's tall, buff, and brash and so completely her type. It's love at first sight for her.
But that's what stops her from even interacting with her. Because what if she isn't her soulmate? What if she walks up to her and says something and touches her and there's no reaction from her?
She knows that some people date around even if the other people aren't their soulmate. Kris had told her about it after they found a bunch of articles on it while messing around on Azzy's computer. Some do it for fun, some do it because they don't really care about finding their soulmate, and some do it because they want experience before starting the "real thing" with their soulmate. But she doesn't. She wants her first relationship to be her last, and she wants it to be with her soulmate. She wants it to be special.
Then her dad starts coughing more and more, and she starts worrying less and less about it. Kris' grades start getting worse and worse too, until she's having to have "study sessions" with them after school. Which, really, are more tutoring sessions. It's a bit worrying, given they'd at least been decent in school before, but she supposes everyone hits a wall at some point. At the very least, it takes her mind of her father. A bit.
It also helps that there aren't actually many opportunities to interact with Susie in the first place. She's like a thorny bush made of molten metal. Anyone who gets close quickly backs away if they know what's good for them. Which is… romantic and attractive. In its own way. Its own special way. Her mind conjures images of her saying something to her. Something amazing, something that instantly breaks away the hard, sharp shell surrounding her and pierces her heart like Cupid's arrow.
Then in their senior year, Miss Alphys assigns them group projects. And Kris gets partnered with Susie.
She curses her luck. If Susie had been just a few minutes earlier, she could have asked her to be her partner. But she sighs and shakes her head and lets it go. There'll be other chances. And if they're really soulmates, then they'll have their moment.
Eventually.
She tries not to be bitter when Kris disappears with Susie for the whole day. Especially when it turns out that Susie had lead them through the supply closet, into the spare classroom, and somehow locked the door behind them. And they had quickly found out the reason the spare classroom was spare.
The broken lock on the door.
It makes her laugh a bit when Kris signs the story out to her. It's such a Kris move to not check the wall by the door for a light switch that she can't help but giggle. But her mirth quickly fades when they tell her that Susie is actually… nice. And cool. And likes to eat chalk. Apparently.
She thinks they're lying about that, but then she catches Susie with a piece in her mouth on the way to school the next day, and she resolves to thank Kris. Profusely.
But then school ends, and Kris walks up to her in class. Susie trails along behind, and she sees Berdly inch slightly behind her out of the corner of her eye. It makes her want to roll her eyes. Typical Berdly. He hadn't accepted any of her excuses to avoid meeting him at the library like yesterday. She was locked in to pretty much a whole afternoon with him. Unfortunately. And he couldn't even have the decency to not use her as a meat shield.
Kris doesn't give her a chance to speak before their hands start moving. "Susie and I don't know what the project is about," they sign. "Would you and Berdly mind helping us out today?"
There's a loaded, heavy pause.
"Yes, actually!" says Berdly before she can even get her mind working to speak. His intense love of getting a rise out of Kris outweighs his fear of Susie apparently, because he steps out from behind her, smug smirk on his face. "You see, Kris-"
But between the end of Kris' signing and Berdly's speaking, her mind had been caught on one thought.
This is it.
This is it.
This. Is. It.
Her chance.
Their moment.
"Sure!" she says loudly, and Berdly freezes, mouth open. She strides past him, beaming at Kris and Susie. "I-I, um… w-we'd be happy to help!"
Kris smiles. Susie looks away uncomfortably. Berdly gapes at her. When he opens his mouth, Kris elbows him in the gut and signs for him to shut up. When Berdly opens his mouth again to speak, Kris signs at him to duck, and then elbows him in the gut again. And thus once again begins their age-old argument of whether duck is a universal warning to dodge something or a specific warning to dodge something aimed for the head.
She tries not to cackle, because how can she not? Not after Kris had revealed to her a year ago that the only reason they consistently bring up the argument is for the express purpose of seeing how long it takes Berdly to realize that that's why they're doing it. It's such a perfect mix of petty dislike and bored troublemaking that only Kris is capable of.
They head to the library and gather the chairs around the front desk, because Berdly refuses to "abandon his post."
She doesn't mean for it to happen.
She drops her eraser. Susie picks it up. Their hands brush when she hands it back to her. On reflex, she stutters out, "T-Thank you."
"No problem," mutters Susie back, looking away uncomfortably.
There's no sudden lighting up of her eyes. No slack-jawed disbelief. Nothing.
Her heart crumbles. She feels tears prick at her eyes. Her breath starts coming in short gasps. It feels like a weight is pressing down on her chest and-
And Kris signs something about curfew and her mom. All she knows is that it's an out. An excuse to leave before Susie can see her break down. She quickly fumbles her things into her bag and rushes out the door, barely pausing to stammer some goodbyes to the others.
She walks. Or runs. Maybe jogs. Away. Away from the library and Susie and Berdly and Kris and-
Gosh, she wanted it so bad. More than anything else. She needed it. Something happy, some sort of relief from her dad's cancer and her mom overworking herself and Dess giving her the cold shoulder from three states away, even when she knows she only went to college so far out of state because she can't handle that their dad is dying and-and-and she just wanted something! She wanted that fantasy she'd been dreaming of for so long! She wanted it to finally be true, for there to be someone in this town that'd be with her, that'd stand by her no matter what, she just wanted-!
"NOELLE!"
She blinks and her vision is filled with blinding white light. Her thanatosis reflex kicks in, freezing her on the spot, and she sees the white grow larger and larger, and a single clear thought runs through her head.
I thought they were mute.
Then they tackle her onto the sidewalk, and the truck goes roaring by in the road, horn blaring. About ten miles over the speed limit for this corner leading into town. Something she's known from a young age because it seems every other month or so there's a new accident on it from some idiot thinking that the sign is there for no reason. Heck, a new accident had just finished being cleaned up yesterday.
She blinks as her thanatosis reflex fades. As always, her mind feels startlingly clear. Much clearer than it had before. She remembers what she hadn't realized in the haze. She'd just walked along the road west, too caught up in her mind to take notice when she missed her turn. Too focused on just getting away from the library. Away from Susie and Kris and Berdly and anyone else that could see her have a complete breakdown. Which had led her straight into the most accident-prone corner in a hundred mile radius.
All at once, she lets out a gasp. She feels her body shake and tears prick at her eyes, and she turns her head to look at Kris. They're breathing hard, staring up at the sky, sprawled out on the sidewalk beside her. She can smell their vaguely sea breeze-scented deodorant and kind of musky human scent on the slight breeze brushing over them.
"W-What?" she says, dumbly, and they look over at her with a glare. Tiredly, they raise their hands.
"It's not the end of the world because she's not your soulmate," they sign. There's an exasperated anger in their gestures, turning them sharp and choppy. "I know things are rough right now, but it'll get better. Don't go throwing yourself into traffic before it does."
"I… what…" She blinks at them, mouth working soundless. Then she gasps again and sits up. "N-No, wait, I-I didn't mean to!" she exclaims, gesturing at the road vaguely. "I-I wasn't-I didn't-I-there-…" Another few seconds of wordless mouth flopping. And then she deflates. "I-I wouldn't… do that. I promise."
They stare at her intently before all the energy seems to go out of them. Their body relaxes as they let out a long, gusty sigh of relief.
"Thank fuck," they sign sloppily before they throw an arm over their face. There's a pause before they move it, scowling up at the sky. "Though the fact you didn't even mean to almost kill yourself is worrying. We should probably get you a bell or something so I can keep track of you."
It's such a Kris thing to say that she can't help but giggle. When they flash that quick, tiny smile of theirs that lets her know just how happy they are that they made her laugh, she giggles even more. And then more. Because everything seems way funnier now that she's had a near-death experience.
She flops back down onto the sidewalk, cackling loudly. Kris does that odd sort of silent, shaking thing that passes for their version of laughter. Which is even odder now that she knows they're actually capable of speaking.
It fades quickly, though. In its place fades in her realization. The Earth shattering one that had triggered her thanatosis reflex even before she had realized a truck was headed for her.
"You're my soulmate," she says quietly, staring up at the sky. It's mottled purple and blue, stars beginning to light up across it.
She looks back to Kris just in time to catch them staring at her, something like resignation in their eyes. "Yeah," they sign morosely. And that…
It hurts.
"H-How long have you known?" she asks, fearing the answer. Kris doesn't look at her when they deliver it.
"On some level?" they sign, and then shrug. "Since forever, I think. But I was only really sure after elementary school. My mom told me the story of how you and I first met as babies." A kind of bitter smile worms its way onto their face. "You said 'Hi!' and I pushed you over. Apparently."
They stare at the palm of their right hand in a way that she knows and recognizes. She's stared at her chest in that same way more times than she can count.
She can imagine it. A circle of two letters and exclamation point, etched into their skin in bright, luminescent green.
"W-Why didn't you say anything?" she demands, and she can feel tears pricking at her vision for the second time that night. They flinch away when they glance at her. As if the sight of her physically harmed them.
They half sign several things, their own version of stuttering, before settling. The movements come out slow, deliberate, careful. Each equally measured. "By the time I was sure, the divorce had already happened," they sign. "Because of that, I… whenever I thought about telling you, I just… imagined us falling apart like my parents. And I decided that I'd rather be friends with you forever than lose you forever."
She blinks at them, and the tears flow. On one hand, she wants to hug them and kiss them, because that's sweet. And so very them.
On the other hand…
She slaps them.
"That wasn't your decision to make!" she exclaims, already feeling regret as they hold their cheek, shell-shocked. She stands and paces away, and then whirls back around. "What about me?!" she demands, pointing to herself. "I spent… I spent years, Kris! Years wondering and dreaming and… hoping, and you…!"
With a strangled sort of growl, she turns and kicks a rock into the forest. It isn't satisfying at all.
"I'm sorry," she sees them sign out of the corner of her eye.
She should keep being mad at them. Really, it's the least they deserve. Maybe. All those years and they… and they kept quiet. Even when the past few months of her life have just gotten worse and worse and worse, they… they didn't do anything. Even all those hours they spent… studying…
She pauses, squinting off into the forest.
Sudden bad grades, and they ask her to help them study, despite having a literal teacher for a mother. But the sessions took her mind off her family life, at least for a bit. And… that argument they always have with Berdly. Always when he's at his most annoying. His most annoying to… her. Then with Susie… they probably could have asked Miss Alphys about the project, but… but if they knew they were her soulmate, why would they…?
Right.
They were the one who let her know that you could date someone other than your soulmate. And just now, in the library... her mom wouldn't even realize if she wasn't home before the vague curfew of "before dark" she had set years ago. Which Kris would have known and taken advantage of any other night to get her to stay out late. But this night, when she had desperately needed to get away...
Clever little shit, she thinks. Which is perhaps the most accurate summation of Kris ever.
She looks back at them, and they're giving her that look. That dreadfully empty, patient one that lets her know they're awaiting and ready to accept judgement. The one they have every time they realize a prank went a bit too far, but now... now it's even more empty and patient. And she just… all the fight just… goes out of her.
"I know," she finally replies, in a tiny, quiet voice she can barely muster. "I know you're sorry." After a moment, she sits back down beside them. "So…" she asks, brushing the tears from her cheeks. "W-What now?"
"I don't know," they sign back. "What do you want to do?"
She snorts in a very un-lady-like manner. Of course they'd try to pass off any decision making. "What do you want to do?" she asks, and they give her a half-hearted smirk.
"I asked you first."
"Yeah, well, you owe me a decision."
"But you're explicitly making it my decision."
"Yes. And that's my decision. I'm deciding to make it your decision. Because you're being indecisive." She smirks at them. "Understand?"
"Not particularly," they sign back at her, looking thoroughly unimpressed.
"Too bad~!" she says in that mockingly sing song voice she knows they hate, because it reminds them of that one ICE-E's animatronic. She leans over them, also mockingly, because she knows they hate when people do that. Something about blocking some of their signing. "What do you want to do, Kris~?"
They blink up at her, eyes narrowing slowly.
"Kiss you," they say out loud. Or whispers, more like. Their voice is croaky and scratchy from disuse, not even full speaking volume. There's a definite stutter to their voice, and their face instantly flushes a deep red.
Honestly, though, she wasn't expecting that. "O-Oh," she says, feeling her entire face flush. She shivers when they reache up to brush a long lock of her hair behind her ear, even when she can see their own hand trembling. But it's a good shiver, and she feels herself drifting down. "W-Well, um… t-that's a good start. I suppose."
It is. A good start. It's a good start.
A very good start.
"I-I'm still mad," she whispers after they break apart. She likes the way their cheeks are flushed. It compliments their eyes. "You should have just said something."
They blink at her very, very slowly. "Yeah," they whisper back, propping themself up on their elbows and leaning towards her again. "Sorry. I wish I had spoken up sooner.."
She giggles softly, and their lips meet again. Once, twice. She pulls back slightly, resting her forehead against their.
"Yeah," she says. "But better late than never." And then she goes back in for more.
It really is quite a good start.
