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Chapter 14

"I'm going," Kate said, not sure she would be able to hold back the torrent of emotions threatening to consume her if she stayed.

"Kate," Jaime said again.

Kate picked up her backpack and shoved her phone into the pocket.

"Come on, Katie," Danny said, standing behind Jaime, giving her space. "Just come back in and we'll all back off. The kids didn't mean anything. They're idiot teenagers."

But it wasn't her niece and nephews. It was all of them, all of this. Kate clenched her jaw and shook her head. She couldn't. She couldn't stay and pretend she fit here anymore. Pretend she didn't live in an entirely different world than the one her siblings and dad inhabited, where they knew what side they were on and it was the right side.

She ran her fingers over the tattoo on the inside of her left wrist lightly. She saw Danny follow the movement of her hand and she quickly jerked her sleeve down over the ink and turn to go.

She strode quickly down the walk, aware that both her brothers were following her. She tightened her grip on the backpack slung over her shoulders.

"At least let me give you a ride home," Jaime said, keeping pace with her.

Kate couldn't speak anymore. She was dangerously close to losing control and any more time with her family, facing everything she had lost, and she would sink under the painful emotions.

"Don't do this," Danny said, in step with her on the other side. "Don't run away again."

That unleashed her voice. Kate stopped and whirled to face him. He winced in regret at the words, and the look on his face told her how terrible her own expression must be.

"You know I wasn't running away," she said in a low voice through gritted teeth. He, of all people, knew why she left.

"Same difference," Danny said, a challenge in his eyes. "You disappeared."

It had the desired effect. Kate raised her own in chin in response to the challenge. But then realized meeting the challenge would mean going back in and facing everyone.

She closed her eyes in defeat. Maybe she hadn't really run away before. But she was this time.

She turned her back on Danny and spoke to Jaime. "Just let me go and I'll call you tomorrow," she bargained. Because that's what she did. She bargained with Johnny to hold off on expanding the business, she cut a deal with Wes to leave Lacey alone, she convinced Carlos and Joe not to sacrifice their cover for her sake. More often than not, she was the one who lost out on the deal. The pull of the split in her lip reminded her of that.

Whatever, she would lose out on her family. Small price to pay to keep the shred of pride she had left. And to avoid the overwhelming pain that seeing them brought.

Jaime's mouth was tight, lines on his face, but he finally nodded. "Tomorrow," he said.

"What—?" Danny's outrage was expected and Kate ignored it. She started walking again.

She heard Jaime say something to Danny, knew that Danny would fight it. But she also knew he would listen to the logic in what Jaime said. Let her go now, or lose her again. Jaime would tell him at least they knew where she lived and worked now. No doubt Danny would let her go and use the new information to his advantage.

And she would deal with that when she had to. Right now, she just needed to get off Staten Island and as far away from her family and memories and feelings as she could.

She would have broken into a jog if it hadn't been for the pain in her ribs. The stitches holding the skin at her collarbone didn't feel too much better.

She spotted Carlos' car on a side street near the bridge. He and Joe, Joe moving better than last time she saw him but still favoring his stomach, got out of the car.

Kate didn't look at them. Joe opened the car door for her and she tossed her bag in the back seat, following after it. Joe closed the car door. There was a pause and she could picture the two of them exchanging a look. She fisted her hands against her jeans and, with everything left in her, fought to hold back everything in her that was surfacing.

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Carlos exchanged a look with Joe. Wordlessly, they got back into the car. Kate was in the backseat, a rigid set to her slim shoulders.

He started the car and pulled out onto the street, heading back toward the bridge, and back toward Brooklyn.

He glanced at her in the rearview mirror. He had never seen her like this. He had seen her angry, embarrassed, nervous. But never so…fragile.

She was starting to shake and she lowered her head into her hands. He glanced over at Joe.

"Staten Island doesn't seem like a place the Dime Boys do business," Joe said.

No answer from the backseat.

Joe turned to face her, and his face showed the pain that twisting caused. "You ok?" he asked Kate softly.

Carlos looked in the mirror again. Kate kept her head down, but lowered her hands from her face. She moved her hands against each other with a pent up energy.

They were still a few blocks from the Bitter End and Carlos pulled over, rather than have Kate be seen parked with the two of them.

"What's on Staten Island?" Carlos asked.

Her hands moved more quickly in their nervous twitch. "I used to live there," she said. The pain was louder than her words.

Carlos hesitated. It was the most personal information they had ever got from Kate in all the months they had known her. He spoke carefully, worried of stepping on a landmine that would have her exploding and sending him away from her. But even more worried about her getting hurt in the explosion.

"Did you go there to see someone?" he asked.

There was such a long pause, nothing but the sounds of the traffic going past them, that Carlos didn't think she was going to answer.

"My family." At the words, her hands stopped moving, falling lifelessly between her knees.

He wanted to ask how it went, who they were, find out where this girl came from and what she was doing running guns with the Dime Boys. But instead he reached a hand back to her and took one of her cold hands in his, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Family can be complicated," Joe said.

Kate let out a humorless laugh, some life returning to her dead posture. She looked up at Joe then, no doubt having heard the experience in his words, not just a platitude. "Yeah," she said.

She blinked and the frailty was gone. Her stone walls were repaired and there were no cracks showing.

"We'll walk you up," Carlos said, parking in front of the Bitterman Projects.

At least Carlos had thought there were no fault lines in her exterior. But when he parked, Kate didn't swing herself out of the car. She looked between him and Joe, weighing something internally.

She gave a short nod and got out.

Carlos could only assume he and Joe didn't look enough like cops to worry her about being seen with them. His sisters had commented that morning on his constant state of stubble, and Joe's hair getting longer.

He followed her through the front doors of the tall building and noticed her swing directly toward the stairwell, avoiding the elevators.

"You up for the stairs?" he asked.

She kept walking. "You never know who you'll be shut in the elevator with," she replied bluntly.

The emotionless way she stated that fact made his stomach twist. He saw Joe's jaw tighten, but neither one said anything.

After three flights of stairs, she opened the door out into a long hallway. She went down the hall and hooked a left. She didn't react to the sounds of a fight coming from an apartment they passed, or a TV blaring. She approached a door, fishing in her bag for her keys.

She pulled them out, but didn't put one in the lock. Instead, she looked at Joe, weighing him, then at Carlos.

She held his eyes and looked like she was trying to see what he was thinking, then like she was begging him to understand. Carlos tried to keep his expression neutral, when what he wanted to do was reassure her that she could trust them. Trust him.

And then the flash of vulnerability was gone and she grimaced, like opening the door to her apartment in front of them was against her better judgment, but she unlocked the door anyway and pushed it open.

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