Act 1: A Happy Accident
"Hey Daria!"
"Hey Jane.."
Jane ran down the street to where Daria was slowly treading to school.
"Who has let us down?"
"Why the system has Daria, why ask?"
Daria smirked.
"Oh good, I wanted to make sure your brain hadn't turned into a sick sad mush from watching that sick Sick Sad World marathon with me yesterday"
Jane looked up across the neat, suburban street towards shouting voices. She pointed them out to Daria.
"Speaking of brain dead, there's Britney and her muscular quarterback of a man!"
Daria walked faster.
"Come on Jane, I've already got a unrelenting migraine, we need to speed past them before we lose our sanity and their illogical temper tantrums start making sense to us."
"Sure thing!"
"Heyyyy! Daria! Jane! Wait up!"
Jane and Daria stood and looked at each other dazed and confused.
A girl a bit younger than them was pacing towards the pair, holding her bunches of ginger hair to stop them from messing.
"Quinn!?" Daria said in a less monotone voice than usual.
"Oh heyyy you guys. What's going on?"
Jane began to smirk.
Daria looked into her sisters face and squinted; unfortunately she couldn't make out what her hollow sister was thinking.
"Quinn. How much did mom pay you this time, and no, if it's babysitting, try someone else. If my life's plan is to be predicted right, I should buy at least a pet to keep me company in the time of other's motherhood."
Quinn's face looked blankly at both of them.
"Erhh, yeahh, sure Daria... Listen. Me and the Fashion Club have broken up..."
"Oh Darn, where will the lower years get their pearls of fashion insight from now?" Remarked Jane in her usual tone. Quinn smiled.
"Exactlyyy! So, only for a bit.. and well.. well you must talk about boys and gifts sometimes!?"
Daria turned her head to find Jane had abandoned her.
"Come on, Daria. How's that Tom boy? Did you break up with him? I normally carry a planning diary for that kind of thing. But of course your.. well, no offence.. not like me. But you could be!! It's much harder to get lots of gifts if you're only planning on dating one boy and.."
Daria's pain: MY HEAD, MY POOR POOR EXCUSE FOR A HEAD.
Quinn and Daria were now at the gates that read "LAWNDALE HIGH". Daria stopped.
"Listen Quinn, as much as I would like to hear your one sided, one dimensional world view, I've got a pop quiz to ignore and an ethics class to ridicule, I suggest you take your suspicious self else where."
Quinn looked to the ground frustrated.
"Geee Dariah, you always think there's a catch, don't you? And to think I was just trynna help!"
Daria smiled, "You are helping, right now" before shoving her younger sister out of the way on the way to her locker.
Jane Lane leaned next to Daria with a quizzical look on her face.
"Earth calling Daria, how're you doing?"
"No Jane. I don't know what that was. The unexpected meteor just bonked right into me."
Jane frowned and began to speak more in a serious manner.
"You know she is your sister. Why don't you try complimenting her every once in a while."
"It's simple. The more times I compliment her, the more she'll think she's winning. And I don't want her to think her way of thinking is right, because it isn't. I don't want to encourage her. I see it now, Oh you're not married like Quinn, Daria! You don't have a high paying hour consuming job and a clueless husband that churns out kids faster than our education system Daria! Dang it, just for once can I not be the one treated with respect for who I am?"
Jane appeared worried, before settling back into her easy self.
"Trust me when I say this Daria. You think the type of friends she makes will stick around? You're the only one she's got.."
Jane turned to see Daria had disappeared into Mr DeMartino's class.
Soon the whole class poured into the classroom, except for Britney and Kevin.
"Right class, History pop quiz.."
DeMartino's big bloodshot eye scanned around the room.
"Where in the hell is Brittany and Kevin!?"
The class fell silent. Brittany and Kevin stumbles through the door, Brittany holding onto Kevin's ear, and Brittany say down leaving Kevin struggling.
"Oh, hello BriTtany, hi kEvin, didn't know this clAss was an open LecTUre!"
Jane rolled her eyes and spoke up not phased, her hand resting on her cheek.
"Sorry teacher, but should we let them of at least once, it will save us from having to listen to their tedious excuses that I and you frankly do not have time for.."
Mr DeMartino paused for a moment and looked up, before answering.
"Very gOod Jane! Just or that the class is geTting extra hOmework!"
Mr DeMartino then remembered this was a punishment in which Jane wasn't affected. He sighed and resumed his confrontation.
"Brittany, why were You and tHe GiMp late! Twenty seconds. Go!"
"Well, Kevin told me that he can't be a quarterback on the team this afternoon because he's scared of all the boys from Hardsville because they giggle at him and maybe even squeeze him in places and.. and football's what I fell in love with him for and we've spent the whole morning arguing and I can't risk that he'll let me down again and goodbye Kevin!"
Brittany ran out of the room crying hysterically. Kevin called after her.
"Wait, babe?! I forgot to mention the whole team is surrendering.. Babe!?"
Mr DeMartino sighed much heavier than before. His eye was the biggest Daria and Jane had seen it before.
"Want me to take over the class for a bit, teach." Daria stated in her monotone.
Mr DeMartino slammed his hands down on the table and leaned over looking at the class with vengeance and dismay.
"One more sound from aNyone, and I mean aNyBody. They will be the ones replacing Kevin and His paThetic frIEnds!!Got it?"
Outside, equidistant from each other, the four members from the fashion club walked along the walls of the school corridors. Finally Staci cracked.
"Oh, I just can't take it anymore. We are meant to be best friends! I mean, I can't even remember who broke us up. I think it was Sandi?"
In front of her, a detached Tiffany tried to remember what had happened last week. After a while she made the effort to speak.
"No... I think... it was...it was Quinn."
Parallel to her Sandi pierced her lips, but didn't want to frown because of the possibility of wrinkles.
"Yesuh it was Quinn. It's cos uh she didn't want to take my advice on the uh jeans she was wearing. How uh could er you do this to us Quinn?"
Behind Sandi, Quinn walked enthusiastically, thinking she could bring the club back together.
"Ohhh Sandi! I'm suree it wasn't me. Can we just settle, you know, our differences?"
Sandi turned on her heels and confronted Quinn, hands on hips. She looked Quinn up and down.
"I see you took my advice on the uh jeans"
"Of courseee Sandi!"
"Fine Quinn, we can. On one uh condition. You must stay away from your uh wierdo penpal with the glasses. I saw you getting uh contaminated by her this morning."
"But, Sandiii, you don't understand! She's my..."
Sandi leaned above Quinn, becoming frustrated and raised her voice.
"Uh listen uh Quinn! If this is how it's gonna be I'm going to have to take measures into my own uh hands."
Quinn fell over and landed on the floor shocked. She asked fearful.
"What do you mean?.."
A door swung open in the middle of Quinn and Sandi and Mr DeMartino steppes out, his eye about to burst.
"SanDi GrIffin? From the lOwer Class?"
"Uh yes?"
Mr DeMartino looked like he was about to burst. He held a paper above Sandi's in-style straw hat.
"You dropped your hOmework. I'm sUre it's just a mIStake, but you DO this every LESSOn!'
"Oh uh yes. How clumsy of me. It uh won't happen again."
Mr Martino gave her the paper and grinned nastily, all teeth showing.
"Kevin, today's your day. I've found you a fully capable substitute team."
"I don't know what to tell my parents, I feel like dying even more than usual, and the only excuses I can think of sound like Trent's song lyrics."
Daria lied on Jane's bed, her legs stretched out on the wall. Jane was furiously punching holes in her canvas.
"I'm beginning to appreciate the speech you did earlier. How could your sister's friends do this to us?"
Daria looked towards the ceiling at the sculptures Jane had tied to strings. She managed to reply but without much effort.
"I thought she said they had broken up. I thought you said I was the only one she had."
Jane put a new canvas on the easel and aimed her fist.
"I'm sorry Daria. Faith is something that has stuck in my family. Mom still thinks Trent is going to be on mainstream radio by the time he's thirty and occasionally checks the mail to see if I've got any reservations for Yale."
Daria was too tired to respond with a witty comment about being too tired. After a while she fell on her feet.
"I should probably phone mom to tell her we're suspended, you?"
Jane Lane sighed deeply.
"I might not be seeing you any more. My mom said it's either Lawndale High or the art school on the other side of town. I'm sorry Daria."
"Oh great. Like my day was not sunny already."
"What? This can't happen. I just won't allow it."
Daria and her mother sat in the office of Principle Angela Li. The principle looked upset and struggled to talk calmly.
"I'm sorry Mrs Morgendorfer, but Mrs Griffin is a very unrelentless woman. She has the capability to tear this school to the ground."
Mrs Morgendorfer and Daria looked at eachother. Daria opened her latest issue of Sick Sad World starting to read.
"And I don't? I understand those brats have power but hear me, you have no idea what I'm capable of doing.."
The principle shook her head slowly and wiped her brow with a handkerchief.
"Oh dear. I'm so sorry Helen, but this is just what Mrs Griffin wants. Her daughter is being bothered by yours and I won't allow it... mainly due to the lawyers she has. We have to follow her orders and let Miss Lane and Daria go.."
Helen stood up suddenly with both hands on Angela Ali's desk, frowning but smiling slightly, out of disbelief.
"You say that, but even if Sandi Griffin is right about Quinn, what's that got to do with Daria and Jane!?"
The principle was becoming very flustered, getting out another handkerchief. Finally, she stood up on the other side of her desk and replied.
"I don't know. I only care about our school. Now I'm going to have to ask you to leave.."
By now, Helen knew from her experience of being a lawyer for twenty years that this shook principle wouldn't help her. Somehow Angela Li could see the sadness in Mrs Morgendorfer's eyes.
She took a pen and jotted down a number.
"I'm sorry, Mrs Morgendorfer, here's my eternees number. Do what you have to do, but for the love of god don't get Lawndale involved!"
Helen paused, then angrily walked towards the door dragging Daria with her. She turned and yelled.
"I don't need an eternee god dammit! Do you have any idea what I do for a living? This will be by far the easiest dispute I've settled, as it only requires basic common sense!"
Principle Angela Li was left there alone in her small office.
"Oh dear." She said to herself quietly.
It was now the afternoon match against Hardsville, and the football team consisting of only four members was about to feel the competition. The boys on the opposition were doing a ritualistic chant and squatted down to the floor, flexing their muscles.
Similar to how they were in the corridors, the resigned fashion club stood equidistant to one another in the cold, muddy field. They had not changed for the occasion and much to their concern, only had a few spare old, ill fitting helmets to protect themselves, due to the fact that the Lawndale boys refused to remove their kit, even when they weren't playing football, for fear of being seen as removing their status. Kevin was a good example of this.
The girls would rather sacrifice themselves than their beauty. The girls wouldn't wear the helmets.
Since the girls were still in hearing distance, Sandi decided to resume beefing with Quinn.
"Of wow, Quinn. I had to take my straw hat of for this?"
Quinn pretended not to hear, and instead was concerning herself with her intricate bunches she had spent hours the previous night preparing.
Tiffany was mumbling to herself, and paused before talking.
"Hey... what.."
She paused again before talking.
"..are we going.."
She paused again.
"to do."
The girls looked back on the opposition, who were still carrying out their ritual. Finally they stopped, and they shouted to the new Lawndale team.
"Hey like, you girls! Beware of this wild bunch of crazy boys, am I right fellas?"
The boys kept flexing their muscles, and smacked each other's behind, before feeling each other's muscles.
"We uh are so uh.. dead"
Staci began to sort through her makeup bag. Sandi gave her an icy glare.
"Now's not the time for powder facials uh Staci!"
Staci got out several pairs of vintage red ocean lipstick and threw them towards the boys.
"NO STACI! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND. THOSE WERE UH VINTAGE!"
Sandi ran trying to catch the lipstick, but tripped and fell in the mud, similar to how she did in a situation that was not spoken when she was around.
The boys stopped what they were doing and caught the lipsticks, before applying them to each other laughing.
"You don't mind if we skip this game?"
The girls nodded in heads in relief and confusion, as the Hardsville boys skipped out of the field. Staci addressed the three girls she had saved.
"You see, my dad liked to wear makeup and lipstick and stuff. I didn't know it at first, and my mother was traditional in the sense, well it wasn't her fault, but didn't tell me about certain things, and then, one day me and mother came in to find him with makeup on with another male friend and.."
Staci was beginning to hyperventilate and not breath after sentences at a time. Sandi decided to shake her.
"It's okay Staci, It's okay.."
Tiffany smiled.
"Is that why... your always... paranoid.. about.. being out of touch... Staci?"
"No, what are you talking about?! When did I ever say that?! What do you mean?! How did..."
The girls stood in silence, passing the football to each other.
Soon it began to rain. Sandi could now wipe the mud off with her fingers as she was wearing a short leather jacket. She got out a card and read a short speech she had prepared earlier. Quinn passed the ball to Tiffany.
"We shall go in now, as members of the fashion club. Me, Staci, Tiffany, and Quinn. You are all forgiven, as long as you don't betray my trust, or give me advice, again."
All three girls smiled and walked closer together in their circle. Quinn looked the most surprised. Staci giggled in excitement.
"Oh my? Is this true Sandi? Are we back together?"
Tiffany smiled.
"Yeah... are we?"
Sandi looked at all her girl friends.
"Yes, uh we uh are."
Quinn beamed in happiness.
"Ohhh, that's great, Sandi!!! You've finallyyy forgiven me!"
Sandi looked down frustrated and melancholy. Tiffany passed the ball to Staci.
"What's wrong, Sandiii? This is great news."
Sandi looked serious into Quinn's eyes.
"I had to make some arrangementsu, Quinn."
Quinn's face became less enthused.
"W-what do you you meann, Sandii?"
"I had to make some arrangements."
"What did you do, Sandi."
"I got rid of those infected grunge people you were hanging with. Uh you know the one with the glasses."
Quinn became pale and her jaw dropped.
"You killed themm?!"
Sandi's look of fear and concern slowly turned passive and aggressive.
"No, Quinnn. I didn't kill them. I told my uh mom, and she expelled them."
Staci passed the ball to Sandi. Quinn looked better but still less enthused.
"Sandii! You shouldn't have done that!"
"I did what I had to do Quinn, in the name of the uh fashion club. Any problems with that decision, uh Quinn?"
Quinn looked to the ground, sadly. "Oh Daria" she muttered to herself.
"I hated that girl and her tall friend anyway. Her uh piercings made me feel sick, and the other's, uh, glasses.."
Sandi began to get more angry by every word she said. Sandi through the ball at Quinn.
