A/N: Hey :)

This story was in my mind for a long time and is far from what I usually write, is pre-canon and has a dose of quite large angst, trying something new I guess... This fic is set after 3x08 and has a second part that I'll publish next weekend.

I hope you enjoy it and, as always, please excuse my language mistakes.


Set after 3x08

Donna's love life had done nothing but be a real mess in recent years. The last time she remembers taking a relationship seriously, he had made her choose between him and Harvey, and she simply couldn't go against her own feelings. And the last time she tried to have a good time for a few days, the man ended up being a murderer. In between, she had dated a few other people, but no one had ever been relevant or meaningful enough for her heart to truly race. Deep down, she knew who was the only one who could generate that in her, and she also knew the possibilities weren't on her side.

Although, besides her heart, there are nights that she would settle for other parts of her body to race up. And her favorite vibrator was no longer enough. She wanted someone to touch her, for someone to look at her, admire her, and treat her like a damn goddess.

Donna needed someone that satiated, at least a little, the desire that traveled through her because no, she was not so foolish to expect to find the love of her life on Tinder. In fact, she had hesitated too much to use the app or not, because she was so embarrassed to find acquaintances there… Rachel was the one who had convinced her. And she just did, although she decided to put a picture of her back, so she could deny to anyone who was necessary, that it wasn't her… She didn't know if that was right or wrong, but she was sure that most of the profile pictures on that app were fake. And there she was, sitting on the couch of her home, her bare feet and her nails painted with garnet like those of her hands, on the coffee table, her back resting comfortably against the backrest, her right hand holding the phone with the app open and her other elbow resting on a cushion, while her hand held the glass of wine she was enjoying.

Even without knowing whether the photos were real, she rejected most of them... And she did it so many times that she didn't even know what she was doing there. Even her vibrator seemed a far more appealing idea than the night before when she used it. It wasn't even the vibrator's fault; it was her fault, who wasn't even trying to make herself feel good. She simply placed the device between her legs and expected that to be enough, and yes, it was a regular orgasm, but it didn't reach to feel like she wanted.

"What are you doing, Donna?" she growled out loud, her finger still scrolling, almost without thinking, as if she was doing it hidden from the world to feel less pathetic. "Yeah, I think you're too young for me." She muttered to a boy she had found attractive but didn't even want to stop to think about maybe she could be his mother. "Well, a young mother." She said to herself, seeking to give herself some comfort. "Sir, there is no need." She pursed her face at the sight of a photo of a man whose position and his little clothes border on the unpleasant and passed it quickly. And when she got to the next picture, for a moment, she thought she preferred to see that man grabbing his damn penis, because there was no way that damn app was showing her boss.

"No, Donna. No, you're going crazy." She quickly stands up, leaving her phone on the couch and swallowing all that was left of her wine in one sip.

She begins to go around the house, cursing herself and her friend for having convinced her to do that enormous stupidity.

Just delete your Donna profile. You can do it.

She pours herself another glass of wine and approaches the couch again. When she grabs her phone again, she remembers she wasn't showing her face in the profile picture.

Stop drowning yourself in a glass of water, Donna Paulsen.

And in a moment of extreme idiocy, she gives Harvey a match, just as a way to show herself that Harvey wouldn't recognize her if the app showed her photo. A way to remember that she is not so important to him.

Let's see if that way you can remove him from within, Donna.

But, not only is the algorithm of the app too good, but the freaking man sends her a message.

"I'm pretty used to finding you in all areas of my life, but I never thought I would find you here."

"And I never thought you would recognize my picture."

"That's why you put me a match?"

"Yes, just so I can make fun of you on Monday."

"Sorry Donna, but I could recognize you among millions of other redheads."

Donna smiles, looking at his answer, and drinks a sip of wine, trying to find a way out of this labyrinth she had gotten herself into.

"Yes, I know :)" she sends. "I'm sorry. I don't interrupt your night anymore, Harvey. See you at the office."

And before he replies, she closes the app and doesn't even bother to see what he answers, because she immediately uninstalls the damn thing.

But of course, it had been easy to escape from the other two men she had chatted there the night before... But Harvey has her phone number, her address, and he's her boss and best friend.

It won't be enough just to uninstall the app.

"Can I know what you were doing there?" he sends her a message.

"The same that you, men aren't the only ones with physical needs. You know?"

"So, weren't you looking for the love of your life?"

She laughs wryly. "No, maybe you were?"

"No, you know it's not my style."

"Yes, I know." She mutters to herself.

"Haven't you found anyone?" he sends again.

"No. And you?"

"No, neither." He sends and for several seconds, the chat stays static. "What do you say about going for a drink?"

"Harvey?"

"It's Friday, we're both alone and bored and I can't think of a better company than yours to share a good drink."

"I've already changed my clothes and I'm about to go to bed."

"How old are you? 87?"

"Maybe." She giggles as she types the answer.

"Please? We can go wherever you want and you know I can afford anything."

"Harvey, don't insist, please."

"Ok :("

"Have a good night, Harvey."

"You too, Donna."

She closes the chat before repenting because she knows perfectly that what she just did was cross the invisible line they had drawn between them years ago. She knows she did it and that he even pushed them a little more later.

And she feels stupid, she hates feeling vulnerable, and that's how she feels since she had the terrible idea of sleeping with Steven Huntley. Never had a man made her feel so stupid or so vulnerable before. Damn it! She's Donna Paulsen! She always knows everything about everyone, even before they know it themselves; she reads people; she guesses what the fuck is what the rest want when they can't even admit it. Yes, she had been fooled by a murderer, and worst of all was that it was the first time in a long time she felt good with a man, she felt a clear physical attraction and really enjoyed someone looking at her with all that desire, and not hiding it. God, she felt so good with him and the way he treated her, not only in bed but on dates they had had, and even in the office. She knew it wouldn't be a fairy tale, but at least she had reminded herself what it was like to feel that way. And now she realizes she had been fooled like a high school girl by the bully group, that her desire had clouded her, that she hadn't let herself see beyond the need that she had, and that made her feel tremendously miserable.

Even weeks later, she still wakes up startled in the middle of the night, dreaming that this disgusting man was cornering her against the wall, holding her by her neck and preventing her from breathing. And she hadn't been able to tell anyone. She couldn't share it or say aloud how much she wished at those times not to be sleeping alone and have someone protecting her in a hug. In fact, she couldn't even admit it to herself, because her unconscious made her imagine the hug was Harvey's. And she knows that's impossible.

She drinks the third glass of wine in the middle of her mental spiral and when she decides it has already been enough and that it would be better to go to bed to drown her sorrows with some stupid romantic comedy; she hears someone knocking on her door, and she frightens a little. Although she quickly guesses that perhaps her neighbor's stupid cat is caught on her balcony again.

But, shit.

Clearly, it wasn't that stupid cat.

She opens the door completely distracted and, when sees him standing there; she has the feeling that her legs want to betray her and throw her to the ground.

"You said you were in your pajamas." He raises an eyebrow, seeing her wearing jeans and a black shirt.

She shrugs. "Yes, well..."

"You're a liar, Paulsen."

"I just want to get rid of my boss for one night. How bad is that?" she flutters her eyes and Harvey smiles shyly.

"No, not bad. But I haven't come here as your boss."

"And how have you come?" she sighs and folds her arms, slightly resting her body on the edge of door 206.

"Friends..." he says naturally. "Friends make plans for their friends when they're sad and I know you're sad, and I'm making a plan for you."

"Uh, look at you, Harvey Specter, knowing how friendship works." She smiles warmly.

"Yes, very funny." He rolls his eyes. "I came here because I care about you and because I'm worried that you're in those kinds of apps."

"What's so special about me for not being there?"

"I guess you deserve more." He murmurs, almost dodging her gaze, and Donna takes those words as if they were a lifeguard that protects her heart from the tide. "And I'm trying to offer something that I think you deserve… do you accept me a drink? Just one. We can make fun of Louis if you want." She smirks. "Or whatever you want."

She sighs and really doesn't have the willpower to say no to Harvey, who is standing at the entrance of her apartment, wearing dark jeans, leather slippers, and a dark blue sweater.

"Okay." She nods. "Just let me put on some shoes, take my purse, and a coat. You can wait indoors if you want."

He nods and reaches for something he had left on the ground. She couldn't see it from her perspective. "Do you want to go out or prefer to share this wine here?"

She giggles. "Did you hide a wine?"

He shrugs. "I was just trying to be kind."

"You know I love that particular wine."

"That's why I brought it." He smiles at her. "So? We share the wine here?"

She nods, moving to one side, to let him come in, and then closes the door. "I'll look for clean glasses." She responds as walks into her apartment. Harvey follows her and chuckles as he sees her glass on the table.

"That's why you said clean glasses." He says, taking off his coat.

She giggles and shrugs her shoulders. "Give me one minute."

"Yes, of course."

She nods and goes in search of two glasses, which when she returns, she leaves on the table and he opens the bottle and fills the two glasses. And although it's not Harvey's style, he raises his glass towards her.

"A toast?" she frowns, a little surprised.

"Yes, because this will be a good night."

She smiles shyly and raises her glass as well. "Sounds like a good toast." They both nod, staring into each other's eyes, and then drink a sip. "God, this wine is so good."

He smiles. "We have the entire bottle to ourselves."

"I've had 3 drinks before. I don't think it's a good idea to finish this bottle with you."

"Well, either way, whatever is left, it'll be here, and you can drink it whenever you want. We sit down?"

She smiles and nods at him. They sit in the armchair in the company of the wine glasses, and with enough physical distance between the two, as usual. They begin to have a conversation, quite superficial, because for both it is a bit strange to be there, at Donna's where they had been seen very rarely - and one had been the only time they had shared a bed - dressed in casual clothes and after the app thing, so they simply decide to start surfing known waters, something that helps them to reduce a little the anxiety and nervousness of that unusual situation, but they both know they can't keep it that way forever. In fact, that's how they start their night conversations in Harvey's office, but they always end up in some rather deeper or more transcendental conversation. It's almost always about Harvey, and she's used to that. That's why she is surprised when he presses her again.

"Seriously, I think you deserve better than you can find on that app where there are probably only men like me."

"I already told you I wasn't looking for the love of my life."

"You deserve to find it either way."

"Thank you." She smiles with a little shyness, swallowing the feelings that show that, in reality, she has already found it and is sitting next to her at that very moment. "But I was just looking for someone to have a good time with."

"Is that what you want now?" he asks, opening his legs and resting his elbows on his tights, playing with his empty glass between his fingers.

"I guess." She responds, putting her legs under herself.

"You guess?"

"Harvey, do you really want to talk about this?"

"I wouldn't be asking you if I wasn't," he responds, trying to sound as confident as he can be.

"Okay." She responds, a little surprised, and drinks in one sip what she has left in her glass. "I don't know what I want. Probably forget Stephen."

"It's been a few weeks. Maybe you shouldn't put so much pressure on yourself."

She sighs. "Yes, but I need to do it." She murmurs, forcing herself to look down to hide the tears that accumulate in her eyes.

"Do you know it wasn't your fault, right?" he whispers.

"Yes, it was." She sighs. "I couldn't see what he really was, and that makes me feel stupid." She swallows dry while firmly closing her eyes. "They are two feelings to erase, the shit that I feel for him and how stupid I feel for not having been able to really see him."

Harvey slightly tilts his torso toward her, as if those inches made a difference, and they do. "I know you're good at reading people. Actually, you're the best, but the best ones sometimes also lose, and that's fine."

"You never lose, Harvey."

"We both know I've done it." He responds. "That man sucks. But you are no stupid Donna."

Donna snorts with a mixture of feelings into her body and feels a warm tear rolling down her cheek, which she hastens to dry with the fist of her shirt. "That's how I feel."

"Donna…" he snores and really runs out of words, because he doesn't know how to console someone, but he really wants to try it out. "You're the most incredible woman I know, and I could defend you before any judge in this world that you are, and I swear I would win."

She giggles unwillingly. "I would probably appreciate it, but I don't know if that would change anything." Harvey sighs and is silent again. "I don't think that can take away the shit I constantly feel in my chest." She murmurs, again without the strength to look at him.

Harvey frowns, taking a deep breath, trying to dispel the urge to run to hit that piece of shit. "I should have done something so that guy wouldn't come close to you."

"You are not my bodyguard." She responds defensively.

"I know, but you always take care of me and it wouldn't hurt to do it sometime in the other way."

"You don't owe me anything, and you already did it, Harvey." She pauses. "And you do it by being here, instead of being with some woman in your bed."

"I'd rather be here with you."

"Harvey." She giggles with irony.

"Really, you can notice when I lie." And he's right, she knows when he's lying and he's not lying now.

"Ok, I believe you." She responds. "Just… this is weird."

"I know. We should do it more often."

"We should?" she raises an eyebrow.

"Well, I don't know. We do it in the office either way."

"Yes, and that's okay."

"Yes, it is."

The two sigh at the same time, and suddenly become silent, not quite knowing what to add or say to break that silence that quickly becomes uncomfortable.

And in those minutes of silence, which seem to extend as if they were hours, she feels that perhaps all the wine she has ingested can help her open herself because even though he is the person with the least emotional intelligence on planet Earth, she would entrust her life to that man.

"Can I tell you something?" she dares to break the silence and also the shell that tries to protect her.

"Whatever you want." He responds kindly.

Donna takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, trying to seek courage within herself, and is silent for a few seconds. "I really can't remove him from my mind and it's exasperating." She says with a voice thread and opens her eyes to look at him again. "I have dreams with him and I wake up agitated, with the sensation of his hands surrounding my throat." She sobs. "And I don't bear it anymore Harvey, I really need to remove him from my mind, my body, my thoughts, everything…" She breaks to cry and Harvey just looks at her, giving her the space to keep talking. His hand creeps shyly down into the armchair until his little finger reaches her hand and although it's almost imperceptible, she notices and appreciates it. "I woke up drowned, thinking he had murdered me, trembling, yelling, crying." She says in the middle of her crying and Harvey is sure he's never seen Donna cry like that, ever. He wants to say something to help her, to comfort her, but all the words seem to have left his brain and he stays silent. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said…" she mumbles, after several seconds of silence, she's sure she had made a mistake.

"No, no." He responds confidently and turns his entire body so he can look at her, their hands still in contact. "You just know I'm not good with words. I'm sorry. But thank you for trusting me and telling me." She nods because she also didn't expect the most reassuring words from him if she's honest. "He can't do anything to you now, you know that."

"Yes, I know, but my unconscious apparently doesn't."

He thinks for a few seconds. "I can talk to your boss to give you a few hours off if you need psychological support."

She giggles amid her tears. "Would you do that for me?"

"Yes, of course. I could actually convince him to pay for the sessions as well."

She giggles again. "If he gives me a few hours off, I can afford the rest."

"I would never say no to something like that, Donna. Why haven't you asked me?"

"Because you would have wanted explanations, and I hadn't said it out loud until now."

"Ok, it's fine." He smiles to reassure her. "Surely a therapist will be able to help you more than I can… I mean, with better words." He chuckles.

"That's pretty likely." The two giggle silly. "But thank you for being here, Harvey. Really, it means a lot to me."

"No, you don't have to thank me." He denies it with his head. "In return, you just have to promise me you will try it with a professional and that you won't go back to that app with shitty guys."

She nods. "I promise."

"Okay, I'll call your boss to convince him of the hours off."

Donna giggles again. "And thank you for making me laugh." He smiles at her warmly. "I'll go to the bathroom to wash my face."

Without giving him time to respond, she stands up and walks as quickly as she can to the bathroom. She closes the door and supports her back there, allowing herself to really cry now that she is alone. This situation looks so unreal, Harvey is the last person Donna would ask for emotional support, he would be the first person she would call if her freedom or life were at risk, or if she would need an economic favor, but for emotional support? Harvey Specter simply doesn't know about emotions and he is more afraid of facing them than of facing the most powerful lawyer in the world. It had been an impulse to tell him about that. She knows it. But he is there, choosing to spend his Friday night with her, which confuses her ever more. She feels confused because he is waiting for her, confused by that stupid flirtation in the app, and confused by the fact that she was able to tell him all that. Her mind looks like a whirlwind from which it is being very difficult to escape, from that already weeks ago, but tonight everything is worse. Donna feels vulnerable, hurt, split in two and while her soul is hopped by running to seek refuge in his arms, her mind wants to stay locked in that bathroom until he gets tired of waiting and leaves.

After a few minutes, she separates from the door and stands in front of the sink, staring at herself in the mirror. It will be difficult to hide that she has come to cry in the bathroom, but it doesn't matter that much. She assumes he won't dare say anything. She opens the faucet and fills her joined hands with some water to bring it to her face, trying to find some serenity in that fresh water, although it is less serenity than she expects. She repeats the procedure several times and when she already starts to feel guilty for the amount of water she is wasting; she closes the faucet and grabs one of the towels to dry off. Before she goes out, she doesn't want to look in the mirror again. She feels her hand trembling and her body unstable when opening the door. Even more so when approaching him again.

"Another drink?" he asks her, turning his body to look at her.

"Yes, please." She nods and sits down, handing him her glass that had been resting on the armrest.

Harvey stretches out his hand to grab the glass and when both are grabbing it, their fingers rub almost imperceptibly, but they both feel it and must suppress a tiny smile of satisfaction. Without saying anything, he purses the two glasses and unconsciously changes them, giving his glass to her and he remains with hers. Donna realizes instantly but says nothing because that intimacy shelters her heart. It isn't the first time they do it and probably won't be the last; she thinks. In that little gesture, she finds a bit of the relief she needs at that moment. Harvey notices it when Donna has already drunk a sip and also decides not to say anything, looking at her lips every time he drinks a sip and they stay silent for a few seconds.

Tension is built between them, just by the simple fact of posing their lips in the same place where minutes ago the other did it. They had already shared glasses, but they had never spoken it out loud. As if it were something forbidden, but tacitly accepted. She runs the edge of the glass over her upper lip very gently, unable to prevent her eyes from closing, imagining his lips are rubbing against hers in the same way.

"I'll make sure that man doesn't do anything wrong to you. Never again, Donna. I promise you."

She sighs and raises her head a little to look at him. "I know, Harvey. And I thank you."

Neither of them knows very well what else to add, and the silence is built back on them. The minutes pass and their glasses are slowly emptied, but they don't release them or move them away from their lips. Harvey knows he should leave right now because temptations are surrounding him. But his legs prevent him from getting out of that couch and getting away from there. So he chooses to approach the coffee table for another glass of wine. He's being an idiot, and he knows it. But he can't leave her like that.

"One more?"

"No, I have already drunk too much. Thank you."

Harvey nods and after pouring himself another drink, settles back into the armchair, slightly closer to her than a few seconds ago. Donna, for her part, raises one of her feet to the couch, hugging her leg against herself and still coining her glass, without being able to remove her eyes from above Harvey's lips drinking from his glass, or hers. But, that's not enough to distract her, even though she feels her body is enjoying that image of him, her anguish is stronger this time and tears flood her eyes again, this time in a more difficult way to control. Harvey notices it, but for a few seconds, he says nothing, hoping that maybe she can control it once again, but it really is out of the redhead's reach, even though she is using all her will force for it, it seems to be a lost battle. So he can no longer act distracted, but again, he doesn't know how to act. First, he leaves the glass still with traces of wine on the table and turns his whole body towards her.

"I can't see you like this, Donna." He murmurs.

"You can leave, so you will avoid seeing me." She responds with frustration.

"I don't want that." He responds gently, ignoring her tone of voice. "I just want to be able to help you." His hand approaches her and rests it on her shoulder and although he is clumsy and seems more like the touch that would give a friend after finishing a baseball practice, that comforts her and reminds her she is not as alone as she thinks.

"I really appreciate it." She smiles at him shyly.

Neither of them realizes what is happening, that their bodily positions are changing slightly and leaning toward each other. He slightly raises his hand toward her until his thumb rubs her neck. "I care about you, Donna."

"I know." She nods, her breath cut off and her body stiff as she feels the skin of his finger against her sensitive neck.

They hold their gaze on each other, both scare that if they stop looking at each other and having self-control, they will crash. But, although he really tries, his body doesn't respond to his desires, or rather, his body does respond to his desires, but doesn't respond to his reasoning. Harvey's face leans even more to Donna's. His thumb raises a little and draws her jaw underneath.

"Harvey, what the fuck are you doing?" she asks with her choppy breath, cursing herself for enjoying that closeness.

"I try to give you some support." He whispers in a hoarse voice, getting even closer to her.

Donna closes her eyes with force, feeling her soul shaking inside her own body, and in a fleeting second of self-control, stands up and quickly moves away from him. "Go Harvey, please." She says without being able to look at him, her arms crossed under her chest as if they could protect her.

Harvey stands up and follows her, though without getting too close. "Just... Can I give you a hug?"

"We both know that's not what you were going to do." She says, uncontrolled tears leaving her eyes.

Harvey sighs and feels cornered because she is right. "You're right, I'm sorry..." He murmurs and moves one step further towards her. "Just a hug? We won't do anything you don't want to."

"I can't, Harvey." She covers her face with her hands.

"You need a hug."

"There's a reason you and I don't hug."

"I know." He says, getting a little closer. "Just let me give you a bit of the support that you always give me." He extends his hand to her.

And for a few seconds, Donna sets her sight in his hand, inviting her to take refuge in him. And God, her whole body and her heart want to disarm in him, she needs that for once, those damn ideas with which her mind fantasies on her worst nights become reality. She doesn't just want to; she needs his arms protecting her for a few minutes, so she decides to let herself go because although they may sometimes be weak, she still trusts him enough. Even without daring to look at him, and walking slowly, she shortens the distance with him and before she finishes approaching, his arms are wrapping her by her shoulders. Without allowing herself to hesitate, she approaches him, though only letting their torsos touch. And she can't help but breathe a sigh of relief at feeling his body holding her. Her arms shyly hug him below his arms, while he does it by her shoulders, one of his hands affectionately cradling her head, his chin resting on her temple.

They don't even remember if they had ever been so close after The Other Time, probably not. And that overwhelms them, while also making them feel at home.

"Stop holding back your crying." He whispers.

"I will ruin your clothes."

"Are you seriously thinking about it now?" He giggles softly and she shrugs. "Seriously, come here."

And when Harvey unconsciously brings her closer to him, she suddenly breaks away.

"Please leave my house, now!" she screams again.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry... It was the thing about the glasses and then having you so close." He says, closing his eyes tightly.

"What have you come to? To take advantage of my vulnerability and fuck me again?"

"No, Donna. It's not that."

"Your fuck erection against me says something else. Leave me alone, please," she yells, although her crying wants to prevent her.

"I don't want to leave you alone!" he screams even louder.

"Nothing good can come out of this." This time she doesn't scream, it's just a choked whisper.

"Maybe I can help you forget about that bastard."

"Fucking me?" she says wryly.

"We did it once and agreed to forget it. Don't you think we can have a good time tonight and forget it again?"

"No, you can't be telling me this. You're a damn piece of shit!" she screams up close to him and pushes her hands against his chest. "Go away, right now!"

"Donna..." he wraps her wrists with his hands. "I just want to help you."

"I don't see how this can really help me."

And the truth is that Harvey doesn't know either, so he simply hugs her back against his body, and although at first, she resists, the heat of him hugging her makes her accept she wants to be between his arms.

"Why is it all so difficult?" she growls.

"Because we complicate it."

"You know very well that this wouldn't work."

"I'm just proposing one night... Tonight… Now." He whispers.

"That would change everything."

"Not if we forget it again."

"I have never forgotten it." She confesses without thinking.

"I haven't either." He also confesses and turns his head to rub his lips against her temple.

"I shouldn't have allowed us to have the drinks here."

"No, that was fine. I still don't want to be anywhere other than here, even if you kick me out after this hug."

She nods. "Just hug me, please."

He nods and one of his palms creeps between her shoulder blades, and although she does not know if it was on purpose, that simple gesture makes the last drowned cry she was containing, finally goes out, and there stays for several minutes, in limbo: her body trembles and venting all the shit she was accumulating inside, while the person she loves most in the world is hugging her and has just proposed to her to have sex.

She wants that hug to be eternal and never has to make that decision. Because if she really stops focusing on how miserable she feels, having him so close is enough to accept his dangerous proposal. His warm palms caressing her back, his chest stuck against hers, his arms holding her, his heartbeat under her ear, and feeling his breath against her skin is much more than she could handle in that state of vulnerability.


I'd love to hear what you think about this :)