A/N: Hey again! Here I am with the second and final part of this fic, thank you for reading it :) This story has been a challenge for me and I'm glad I finally published it!
A puzzling calm surrounds them as if suddenly the entire world has disappeared, and it was just them. His body and warmth wrap her with a softness that she never believed he could have. She's realizing at the time the only place she wants and needs to be is in his arms, and she hates herself for that because she knows she could never have him in that way. He's just not ready for that and she's not so stupid as to fool herself into believing that this could go well if they decide to jump into the void. But still... Although she can't stop crying, for the first time in a long time, she feels at peace.
They are in complete silence, except for her sobs that gradually fall apart and for the sound generated by his thumb moving tenderly over her hair.
"I should have given him a few more blows in that bathroom." He mutters.
She giggles against her will. "That wouldn't have changed anything."
Harvey brings her a little closer to him but lets her decide to what extent and their bodies are completely glued together in less than a second. And with their bodies so attached, it's even harder to run out of there. She knows it's a mistake and that this will destroy her even more, but she is so desperate for even a few crumbs of momentary satisfaction that she speaks without thinking.
"I can't, Harvey." She grunts.
"It's okay, I can leave now." He tries to hide the disappointment in his tone of voice.
She closes her eyes tightly. "I can't deny that I want the same as you."
"Are you sure?" His voice sounds soft and hoarse.
She laughs. "No, but I need to feel good, even for a while." She pauses and swallows dry. "And no one has ever made me feel as good as you have." He smiles, although he tries to hide it, and his hands come down the sides of her body until he rests on her hips and squeezes them affectionately, while his lips sit on the side of her face to kiss her there. "Just promise me that Monday will return everything to normal." She whispers, her gaze fixed on the ground.
"I promise, Donna."
"Good." She separates a little from him, and her hands, which were against his chest, climb up his shoulders.
And for the thousandth time at night, they are again speechless. They just stare at each other for several seconds while their breaths become somewhat superficial as if what they're about to do had hit them suddenly. They feel like two inexperienced kids who don't dare to move forward, hoping that the other will do it, that one of them will have the courage to do what they have been waiting for years.
The first to make a move is Harvey, who lifts one of his hands and gently with his fingers, cleans the tear residues on her cheeks, and his touch is so soft, gentle, and affectionate that a smile escapes from her lips almost without realizing it as her eyes close and her heart hits her chest mercilessly. His finger slides very slowly until it reaches her chin and suddenly, she feels his lips crawling all over her face as if he was looking for the courage to kiss her, and that makes her feel even more nervous.
"Donna..." he gasps with his lips slightly open against her forehead and she feels her legs loosen, needing to seek more stability against him.
"Kiss me, Harvey." She whispers. Her voice is so low that no one is too sure if those words came out of her mouth, but sure enough, they had been uttered by the redhead.
Harvey's lips and warm breath go down her face until their foreheads collide and the two sigh in sync. And without saying more, Harvey's lips now are lying on Donna's, with the same softness that he had supported them on her glass, with the same slowness that she had rubbed her lips on the edge of his glass, Harvey's lips are rubbing against hers. She opens her lips just a little, letting his upper lip fit between hers, and everything happens in slow motion except the blood running through their veins.
But, as soon as they both dare to open their mouths a little more, everything becomes desperate and a tangle of limbs surrounding and touching each other.
And it is at that precise moment that they both realize that it is a mistake. But they can't stop now.
Harvey remembers the way to her room perfectly, so he pushes her to head there while his hands squeeze her butt.
"Harvey…" she growls against his tongue.
"Do you prefer another place?" he gasps.
"No, my room is fine."
And before he continues to talk, he kisses her again, and, with some clumsiness; they arrive at Donna's room. Once there, still on their feet, his hand slides directly above her abdomen until he crawls with some force between her legs and makes her moan in his mouth. He repeats it several times, without stopping kissing her and trying to unbuckle her blouse with the other hand.
Why the hell is there such a rush? Donna wants to ask, but she doesn't dare.
Now Harvey's two hands are dedicated to unbuckling the buttons on her black blouse, and as soon as her red lace bra is in front of him, his hands cradle her breasts and his lips bite her neck.
"Harvey, shit." She grunts.
But he remains too concentrated on his own actions, his hands now coming down to her pants, and his right-hand slips inside, repeating the strong movements against the lace of her underwear.
Donna wants to take him off his sweater, but he prevents her. He simply takes off her pants, without being too careful, and kisses her again, without staring at her at any moment.
Anger mixes with pleasure and despair. Both know it's a huge mistake, but Harvey starts to feel really miserable because he knows he's far from being the best man in this world, but he never thought he could be able to drag Donna into this situation, so he resolves not to look at her, pretend that she is any other woman in the world, anyone but her. Because he cannot bear that he had believed this was a good idea.
His hand goes down to her panties and his entire hand holds all her pussy, the heel of his hand against her pubis and his fingers moving carelessly between her legs.
"More slowly, please." She whimpers and he doesn't have the courage to answer, not even to look at her, only leaves his hand still, while with his other hand, releases one of her breasts, without even removing her shirt or bra, and without taking care that his nails don't mark her skin. Then he kneads it with force and leaves the red marks of his fingers on her skin, while his fingers begin to move again on her panties.
Donna feels overwhelmed because that's not how she remembered Harvey, nor what she was expecting from him that night, but there's something in his hands dominating her body, even with that rudeness, that reminds her she is alive and that makes her feel even more stupid and more vulnerable. She feels more miserable than a few minutes ago because she knows that this will end up breaking her so badly. She doesn't just want a sex night with him. She wants so much more, and she knows he can't give it to her. He's not even able to be looking at her in the eyes and that hurts a lot.
Both know that with every second that passes, everything breaks more between them, but their bodies seem to be two magnets, unable to separate. The damn force that unites them is stronger than their willpower to stop this.
Harvey pushes her to the bed and when she wants to lie down, he denies with his head, without even looking at her, and manages her body so that she kneels on the bed, with her legs separated.
He, even with all his clothes, approaches her and locks her released nipple in his mouth, while his hand stimulates her again, this time inside her underwear, letting his fingers slip into her slit that already feels wet. His index and middle fingers rise and fall between her warm and tight lips, while nibbling his nipple and she holds in that position, grabbing him by his shoulders, drowning her moans against his hair, her body slightly tilted toward him. His index finger begins to move from one side to the other of her clit and she bites his ear in retaliation. He does it so fast that she is on the edge of the pleasurable and the painful…
He crosses that boundary when he presses her bundle of nerves between two fingers while pulling with his teeth off her nipple and she thinks she could have an orgasm right there.
The pleasure that he's generating in her is mixed with increasingly intense pain, and that makes her burn inside. And she wants that fire that she feels inside to burn her completely and make her disappear, turning only into ashes.
Donna's fingernails nail to his shoulders, and he sucks her nipple while putting two fingers inside her too, to immediately begin curving it, achieving that the moisture in her only increases. He releases her nipple suddenly and climbs with his tongue up her sternum until he reaches the point of her pulse and sucks there. Both know he will leave a mark and Donna begins to feel like a damn piece of meat that this damn bastard needs to mark, but she is not able to ask him to stop. She needs to feel him inside one more time. In fact, none of them can or want to stop, although they know that this will hurt them too much because that is the unhealthy relationship they have.
He removes his fingers from inside her and puts them on her mouth, rubbing her throat with his fingertips, without moving them from there until he feels her retching, with his face hidden in the hollow of her neck. Then, he gently removes them, enjoying the sound that her mouth makes and when she wants to remove something from his clothes, he prevents her again, even without looking at her, and makes her put on 4 legs. He unbuckles his pants and simply pulls his cock out of the inside of his underwear, without intending to take off his own clothes, touch himself for a few moments, as he looks at her butt, and then looks for a condom inside his wallet to wear. Once ready, he supports his cock in Donna's slit and with his palm, forces her to lower her back, until he doesn't get to see any trace of her face because he can not bear to think that he's about to fuck her like that. He hooks his cock into her panties and begins to move against her, looking for his cock to start moistening with her, even keeping his palm open against her back, keeping her down. Harvey only moves a few seconds like this, until he runs her underwear to one side and sees all her pussy wet, swollen, and open for him, which makes him gasp, he returns to support his cock and slides it up and down above all her pussy, listening as she moans and seeing how her body reacts at the sensation. He makes it stronger and faster with the running of the seconds, sliding the head of his cock rubbing from her pussy to her perineum and she knows that this man won't be soft now. He hits her pussy with his hard dick repeatedly and then spits his fingers and passes them through her pussy, making her gasp and suddenly, she feels him enter her in a single movement, she even feels the hair around his cock tickling her against her skin, and she grunts as she feels like her body hasn't finished stretching yet. He comes out again with the same speed as he had entered, letting his cock slide down her pussy, and again, penetrates her. He makes it too many times and increasingly stronger, which makes that despite his little care, she begins to enjoy feeling him so deep.
He settles into her entrance and, with his free hand, now holds her by her hip, filling her to the brim, his balls crashing into her and causing them both to groan at the same time. Harvey begins to hit her as quickly as he can, without taking time to think, holding her in that position with his hand on her back and moving her hips at the same rate as he moves his own.
"Harvey," she whimpers.
And the only thing he can think of is that she please stop talking, stop repeating his name. He doesn't want to remember that it's she who he is fucking, so he accelerates even more, until, in a couple of movements, he releases himself, and even before he finishes enjoying it, goes out of her and puts his face under her hips, holding her, making her lower her hips against his face to receive her pussy with his mouth open.
"Fucking bastard." She growls, not giving a damn if he's able to breathe down there, dropping her pussy against his face.
Harvey's tongue moves skillfully between her folds and on her clit as his fingers reach her entrance. He nibbles her clit with his lips and that makes her whimper again because it has hurt her and it's in the middle of that whining that she feels his fingers entering her body and knows she will have an orgasm in a few more seconds. And she does, and even though it is too intense, she feels too dirty to enjoy it, so she tries not to do it and refuses to be inundated by sexual pleasure. With her half-naked on her bed, he takes off the condom and, without bothering to go through the bathroom, settles his clothes and leaves saying nothing.
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
It had been a mistake, and he knows it. They need to erase this from their minds urgently.
She also knows it was a mistake, probably one of the worst mistakes she had ever made in her life.
Donna feels a stitch from the center of her body spreading to her limbs. She makes herself a bun there, some buttons on her shirt unbuttoned, her bra disarranged, and her panties twisted and nailing in her pussy, and breaks to cry, hugging herself, wanting to disappear from that damn world.
Why did she agree? Why was she so stupid to believe that Harvey could be loving to her? Why the fuck did she think he could make her feel good? Harvey Specter, having emotional intelligence and seeing people in front of him, sounded like science fiction, and she had fallen into that fiction like a teenager as if she knew nothing about life.
Again, she had fallen to the charm of a man, and although she would never compare Harvey with Stephen, she feels she did the same thing again: to be enchanted by the need to feel desired.
She hears the door's sound when he leaves her apartment and along with that sound; she feels her heart breaking inside her chest and drowns her sobs against her knees, her arms squeeze her legs as hard as can, as if that could make her feel good, as if she could give herself some support.
Harvey doesn't have the courage to wait for the elevator, maybe she goes out and finds him, so he decides quickly down the stairs and runs because he needs to escape, he needs to escape from himself, escape from that damn monster he had become.
He knows he wouldn't be a good man for any woman because he knows, but that night he had let his lower instincts win and destroy the relationship with the most important woman of his life because he knows that this won't be like The Other Time. He knows it will be really hard to get out of there, even if it is maybe impossible.
The entrance door to the building opens in front of him and although he is finally outdoors, he feels he cannot breathe.
Donna can't breathe either. She's choking on her own crying.
They were two stupid, and they know it.
Harvey was stupid to propose that, and Donna was stupid to accept it.
The rest of that night and Sunday are a black hole for both. Harvey spends all day drinking scotch in his condo to turn off his mind, and Donna cannot get up from her bed, the same bed where he hadn't even been able to lie on next to her, at least for a second. Her body still hurts because of his brutality, but her soul hurts more.
Both feel dirty and completely stupid. They had let their most hidden desires come to the surface that night, and guilt and repentance hit them mercilessly. Also, the sadness of being certain that they had just broken one of the most important relationships in their lives.
Harvey spends hours watching his phone, with Donna's contact open, but doesn't dare to call... What the hell could he say? Was there anything to say? There was something that could fix the disaster they had made?
He wanted to put on his boxing gloves and beat himself until he turned off his mind, until he stopped feeling so miserable.
Donna doesn't know if she wants him to call or not, but she's sure she won't be the one to call. She just doesn't have the strength to do it.
There is only one idea that floods her mind in all those hours of tears and sobs and she knows it will end up destroying her, and probably him too, but she finds no other way out of this labyrinth.
So, she does it.
On Monday, she doesn't go to the firm. Even though they had both promised that nothing would change, they both know that everything had changed the moment their lips crashed into each other.
"Stop knocking on that damn door!" Donna yells at him from the inside, feeling the blows of him rumbling within her.
"I won't stop until you open the door."
"You are a fucking idiot. I have the right to be in my house in peace!"
"No, because you should be at your job right now."
She laughs wryly. "Haven't you gotten the news or just decided to ignore it?"
"What news?"
"I resigned." And when she says it out loud, he feels his body deflate, empty.
"No, Donna, no you can't do that." His voice sounds choked, oxygen doesn't enter his lungs.
"I'm pretty sure I can because I did."
"Open the door, please."
"I don't want to see you."
"Donna, please… let's talk."
"Go away." She sobs.
"No, I'll stay here."
She furiously hits her fist against the wall and takes a deep breath. "Wait for me on the sidewalk. I'll come down in a minute."
"You really will?"
"Yes, I will." She responds, letting herself overcome once again by that man. "And it's the last time I do something for you."
Harvey nods silently, swallowing a lump of distress forming in his throat. "I'll wait for you downstairs."
"Ok." She responds and listens to him go, rests with her back on the wall, and takes another deep breath that makes her eyes fill with tears. She takes a few minutes to control her stupid tears and tries to calm down with some more deep breaths, but, of course, it doesn't work.
She puts on a pair of slippers and looks at herself in the mirror before going down, not knowing why she is doing it, or actually yes… she doesn't want him to see her defeated, but she doesn't think her acting gifts can do magic.
As Harvey walks from one side to the other of her building's entrance, Donna has her hand on the door handle and although neither of them is ready for this, as Donna opens the door, she finds Harvey's gaze nailed to her and they both feel a ray running down their bodies.
In complete silence, she comes out of the building and begins to walk. He follows her also in silence, both with the heartbeat of their hearts booming all over her body. She enters the parking lot entrance of her building. It's the most neutral place she ever came up with.
"Ok, tell me, what the fuck do you want now, Harvey?" she yells with her eyes about to overflow in tears.
"I don't want to lose you, Donna." He says in his choked voice.
"You would have thought about it before fucking me as if it were your whore of the day." She responds by dodging his gaze and letting some tears escape. "I trusted on you, trusted that even if it only happened once, you wouldn't treat me like that."
"Donna…" He pauses. "You're not that to me, and you know it."
"So sure are you I am not? And so sure I know it?" she challenges him, looking at him again.
"Donna…" he walks over to her.
"No, don't Donna me." She takes a step back. "Because that's how you made me feel." She explodes. "I didn't expect a love statement after sex, you know? But at least I expected you to have enough balls to look into my eyes when we were doing it."
"You know I can't–" he says in his hoarse voice.
"I always have to know everything, don't I?" she pushes him with her hands on his chest, angry. "I always have to know and understand." She hits him with her weak fists against his chest. "And who the fuck does that for me, Harvey? How the fuck do you think I felt after having been with a murderer and then with my best friend, who wasn't even able to look at me? I feel used and I have no strength to bear it."
"Am I your best friend?"
"Seriously, that's what matters to you now? I'm telling you, you made me feel like shit and that's the only thing you could listen to?" she screams and wants to walk away, but Harvey prevents her. He really doesn't know what to say, because he never knows what to say, so he just surrounds her with his arms, making her lean against him. Donna is stiff at first as if her body were denying herself, but when feels his lips rubbing her temple, it works like a pill that loosens her entire body immediately.
"I'm so sorry." He murmurs against his temple.
"I have a rule for a reason." She sobs.
"You told me you could break it because you had to live your life."
"It was a mistake. And you can't deny it." She murmurs, separating herself from him because it has already been too much. She needs to go back into the distance.
"I was stupid."
"I was stupid too. I trusted you because I thought you could really make me feel good for a while, because you were being nice to me, and because I thought that even though we can't be together, you loved me."
"I do love you, Donna."
"No Harvey, that's not how you treat someone you love! You haven't even had the courage to look at me!" she yells, closing her eyes tightly.
"I haven't been able to look at you because I can't bear myself since that moment." He growls, not being able to look at her again. "I let my instincts control me, as I do with all women. And every day, every day, I promise myself that it won't happen with you, because you don't deserve it and because I want to be near you, but I failed. I failed myself and I failed you, too."
And hearing him say those words, Donna's heart is squeezed even more, because yes, it's possible. "The two of us haven't been able to resist it."
"But I know you would never have even hinted at it." Donna nods because he's right. She wouldn't have dared to risk everything.
"It should have been stronger." She sighs. "But I can't. I feel like a doormat too trampled. I was selfish, too, because I was desperate to feel good, and I trusted you could make that so. As I told you, I didn't expect a statement of love, but I expected at least that you look at me, that you would at least let me take off some clothes… I don't know, that you wouldn't treat me like a doll."
"You've already said "I trusted" in the past, too many times. You don't trust me anymore?" he says, feeling his throat closing.
Donna closes her eyes tightly. She hadn't noticed that she had spoken in the past, her unconscious once again betraying her. "I didn't mean to say it, but it's still how I feel it now."
"You are the only one who has never lost faith in me." He says, and although he wants to deny it, his eyes are filled with tears.
"I think I've lost faith in both of us." She murmurs, looking at the ground. "I'm sorry, but I can't work with you again."
"I can't be me without you."
"You have already told me that. Don't you think that's a bit sickly?"
"It's love and respect."
"Come on, you don't love anyone but yourself."
"You can't tell me that. You know I love you, Donna."
"I've gone out of my way to take care of you and protect you, Harvey... For years, and when I believed maybe you could take care of me for a while, you only finished destroying me. You can't say you love me."
"I do, I swear I do!" he yells, with all the veins on his forehead swelling.
She folds her arms and walks back one step. "I can't keep doing this."
"Don't abandon me, please." He sobs. "I'm a mess if you're not close to me."
"It seems that I'm not infallible, because you have been a mess with me!" She sighs. "And I'm not abandoning you. I'm choosing myself, which is different."
"This will be like this forever? Because I don't know if I can-"
"Now I don't know." She shakes her head. "I'll leave New York for the time being."
"You can stay here. I won't bother you if that's what you want." He says and sounds desperate because he prefers to live with the illusion of crossing her on the street, at least. It is better than having nothing.
"I already have the ticket, I'll go near my parents, I'll work with my dad, administrative stuff… at least for a while, I won't want to work with him forever, but I know that is the best thing for me now." She says with a trembling voice as if she was confessing to a crime.
"That's it... too far." He murmurs and sounds like a sob.
"I know. That's why I chose it."
"I didn't mean to hurt you so much... Never."
"I know, Harvey." She nods. "But you did it."
"I'm so sorry, Donna. " She nods again and bites her lower lip, fighting her tears as he approaches her. "Can I hug you?" she closes her eyes and nods, knowing nothing can be worse anymore. They both wrap each other with all their strength, sobs are drowning in each other. "I'm sorry, sorry for not being able to love you as you deserve." He whispers. "You will always be the love of my life, no matter what."
She sticks her nails in his back, clinging to him and crying in despair. "I love you, Harvey, and I know that will never change." She also whispers and they know nothing needs to be said anymore.
They hug tightly for an eternity, which for them is as fast as a second, until they separate, just a little. He carefully dries her tears and gives her a kiss on her forehead. "I don't know how I'll keep going without you..." He sighs, and she rubs her thumbs on him. "But I know I couldn't be here without you, so thank you, Donna."
She smiles at him in the middle of the tears and, saying nothing, gives him a brief but felt a kiss on his lips. "Goodbye, Harvey." She murmurs, with her soul bursting into a thousand pieces and before he can respond, she runs to the elevator of the parking lot to return to her apartment, which will soon cease to be hers.
"Goodbye, Donna." He sobs, but she doesn't hear him.
Harvey looks at her until she disappears and when the last red flash disappears, his world suddenly darkens. He knows that without her, everything will falter and that he's most likely to end up covered by a huge mountain of debris, but he also knows that he cannot hold her if she does not want, and he hopes that at least one of the two of them will be able to overcome this. And she deserves it more than he does. He's sure of that.
Although most likely neither of them will.
He stands there, completely immersed in himself and in the pain that passes through him until a car wants to pass and the person inside honks the horn. He raises his hand, apologizing, and comes out of there, almost running.
Donna is grateful to be alone in the elevator and to be able to cry without witnesses. Not only does her body tremble, but so does her soul. It's like someone just removed an arm or leg. She knows she will have to learn to live again, and she also knows that he will have to do it. And that won't be easy for either.
She has a hard time trying to put the key in the lock of door 206 because her hand trembles too much and tears make her gaze blurred, but somehow she succeeds and one of the first things she sees there is the bottle of wine, still on the coffee table and as if that could drain all the anguish that corrodes her, empties it into the sink of her kitchen, wishing everything would go down that drain.
Everything.
I hope you're not hating me too much for this ending and that you still want to tell me what you think about this fic :)
