Chapter 3
It had been a very long month filled with sorrow and regret. Lisa slipped further into depression caused by the symptoms of the chemo. There had been lots of arguments, there had been lots of tears shed by both Lisa and by Jack. Some days he just didn't know how to help her, some days she just didn't want his help, even though she needed it. There were apologies and kisses as well as screaming and crying. Through it all Jack was by Lisa's side, no matter what. Every night he climbed into bed next to her, every night he wrapped her in his arms and told her he loved her, because he did. Some nights she said it back, some nights she didn't. But he knew she did, even if she didn't say it. They just had to make it to the other side.
It had been just over two weeks since Lisa's chemo treatment ended. Slowly some of the side effects started to dissipate. She was able to keep some food down, though she still didn't have much of an appetite. The smoothies Lou made really did help. Lisa could sip on small portions throughout the day. The weight loss stopped, however there really wasn't anything left to lose. She was still very tired, but would be awake for longer periods throughout the day. Lou and Amy visited multiple times a week, usually when Jack was at the ranch taking care of stuff. She was down to just one nurse visit a day. It seemed things were finally turning around.
Lou was visiting with her one afternoon, they were having a nice visit talking about Katie and Peter. Lisa asked how things were going between her and Peter. Lou said everything was good.
"We are working on communication, trying to communicate better. We never had an issue with attraction, from the first time I met him, before I knew who he was I was attracted to him. Sometimes he just looks at me a certain way and I want to jump him. You know, sometimes you just connect."
"Yeah, I remember, Jack and I never had any issues with attraction either."
A smile lit up Lisa's face, but it quickly disappeared. Lou noticed.
How has it been lately for you and grandpa, did the chemo change anything?"
Lisa took a deep breath. "Yes and no, when Jack first found out about the cancer we were so happy to be back together. I was still having some good days and we enjoyed being together. Everything stopped shortly after, because I was always tired and barely had any energy, or I was nauseous."
Lisa looked away, "Lately, I don't know, something's changed, he says he still loves me and I think he wants to, I'm just not sure he does."
"Lisa, seriously, grandpa never stopped loving you, I can assure you."
"I don't know, he used to love to tease me or watch me if he caught me dressing. Now he doesn't even look at me, he turns away or he leaves the room. Sure, he gives me a quick kiss goodnight or a hug now and then, but it's not the same."
"I miss him, Lou."
"Lisa, you need to talk to him, that's exactly what you would tell me to do. You need to take your own advice. Lisa, he loves you more than anything, I promise you that."
Lou had to get home to make dinner, so she hugged Lisa goodbye.
"Hey Lisa, have you given any thought to coming back to Heartland?"
"I hadn't really thought about it, I'll have to talk to Jack. Thanks for the talk Lou."
"Remember to talk to grandpa, you two need to figure things out. Good luck."
Later that night Jack was getting ready for bed. Lisa was already in bed with her robe on. Jack didn't mention it, he just went about what he was doing. Just before he got into bed, Lisa walked over to his side and took off her robe, revealing her naked body.
"What are you doing Lise? I'm tired."
"Too tired to fool around cowboy?"
He looked away, he looked anywhere but where Lisa was standing.
"Jack…, Jack, look at me please."
He looked at her face, he could see she was disappointed
"Why can't you look at me? You used to love looking at me."
"Can't we just go to bed Lisa?"
Lisa started, "I miss you Jack, I need you, I need you to touch me like you used to. Don't you want me anymore?"
"Of course I still want you, I never stopped wanting you."
She put his hands around her waist, as she knelt down to kiss him.
"Lise, stop, please, we can't do this."
"Why Jack, why not? I want you."
"I want you too." He sighed.
"Then what's the problem?"
"I'm afraid."
"Afraid, afraid of what?"
"I'm afraid I'll hurt you," he answers, never looking up.
She sat on the bed next to him, a tear rolling down her cheek. She took his face in her hands so he would look at her. "I'm afraid too. But I miss you Jack, I miss us. I miss the way your touch makes me feel. I need you." She looked into his eyes, her eyes pleading with him.
She kissed him, like they hadn't kissed in almost two months. He did want her, he never stopped, but all the bruising caused by the chemo, and the weight loss he was afraid to cause her more pain.
"How about we go slow, and if something doesn't feel right or doesn't feel good, I will let you know."
Jack awoke the next morning. Lisa still slept soundly next to him. He was so happy she told him what she wanted the night before. He told her the truth, he never stopped wanting her, he honestly didn't think he ever could. Everything they had been through, she had been through. He only loved her more. Most days she was strong and fought hard, some days she wanted to quit and he had to remind her what she was fighting for. Their relationship grew stronger, he's not sure how, they always had a good strong foundation after they got married, but he watched his wife fight and she watched him fight for her. He never would have made the first move to be romantic again, he wouldn't want her to feel any pressure when she wasn't ready. But she was ready, and after months of not being able to physically show his love for her, they found their way back to each other. It was different, he was afraid in the beginning, but once emotions and arousal took over, it was like it had always been. This time though he was careful and gentle, he let her lead the dance.
Lisa shifted next to him, she could feel his eyes on her. Not quite ready to get up, she moved closer to him and draped her arm over his waist. He softly stroked her arm while he was lost in thought. He dared to think about what could be, were they over the hump, would Lisa face a setback. It would be devastating to them both if she did. He didn't realize Lisa was looking up at him, watching him.
With a happy smile on her face, she rolled over to get a better look at him.
"What are you thinking about, cowboy?"
Startled, "uh, just that I have to check the fences in the back fields."
She sat up in bed. "Jack Bartlett, I don't believe that for one second. I have asked you that same question countless times over the years while we were in bed, and you have never answered that you were thinking about anything but me, or you and me. I don't believe you were thinking at this moment about work to be done. Talk to me"
He took her delicate hand in his. "I was thinking about you."
"See, I knew it, what about me?"
"Honestly, I was thinking about getting our hopes up."
"As much as I want to, I can't Jack. That phone call four months ago, to go into my doctor's office, replays in my head almost daily. I was never so scared. I try to remind myself to take it one day at a time. I don't …, I can't think about getting that news again."
"You won't be alone this time Lise."
"I know, I made a big mistake pushing you away, Jack. I hope you understand I was only trying to protect you, I never wanted to hurt you, or us."
"I think last night proved you didn't hurt us. I think we are stronger than ever."
Lisa packed her stuff up over the next week. It was time, she was looking forward to going home, back to Heartland. Life was slowly returning to normal. She had gained back some weight and her energy was returning. She would work for a few hours a day either in the morning or the afternoon. Jack still stayed with her every night. He actually looked forward to the nights at Fairfield because it was just the two of them. He could just sit with her in his arms and tell her how much he loved her. He could tell her every hour and he'd never get tired of saying it, and she'd never get tired of hearing it.
