Kyle was watching TV with his parents.
Ike: Hey, Mommy! I got my report card!
Sheila: Are there any Fs on your report card?
Ike: Um...no...
Sheila: Are you lying?
Ike: No, there's no Fs on it?
Sheila: Because, Jeffy, if there's a single F on that report card, we're not taking you to Disneyland.
Ike: Oh, I will check this out. Boom! Not a single F on this report card. All Ds, Mommy. It stands for Disney World, Disney World, Disney World, Disney World, Disney World, Disney World.
Sheila: Jeffy, all Ds is not good!
Gerald: Yeah, but it's still passing, Sheila. There are no Fs on his report card.
Sheila: But Ds are bad!
Gerald: Ds are passing!
Sheila: And Ds are your nuts in my mouth.
Gerald: Ugh! How old are you?
Sheila: Old enough to have your nuts in my mouth.
Gerald Sighs.
Ike: Good one, Mommy.
Sheila: Ike, look. I guess that there's no Fs, we'll still take you to Disneyland.
Ike: (gasping) Really, Mommy?! I'm gonna go pack my stuff right now!
Sheila: But you have to get better grades next time.
Gerald: Sheila, I don't think we have enough money for all four of us to go.
Sheila: (Sighs) You're right. We're really poor right now. I think we could buy two tickets.
Gerald: Okay, I think you and Ike should go so you can have a mother-son trip.
Sheila: (sighs) I guess you're right. Me and Ike haven't spent a lot of time together. I'll go buy to tickets at Disneyland.
Gerald: Okay.
Kyle: But if we have enough tickets, I'd come also, right?
Sheila: Yes.
Kyle: Okay.
Sheila: All right, Gerald. I got me and Ike two tickets to Disneyland.
Gerald: I bet you and Ike are gonna have so much fun!
Sheila: Yeah, I hope so. Ike, are you ready to go?
Ike appeared with a piglet mask and a Tow Mater costume, which made his family shocked.
Ike: Yeah, Mommy! Sure am!
Sheila: Ike, what is that?
Ike: Oh, it's Tow Mater without the tuh!
Sheila: No, not Tow Mater! You got a mask! What are you wearing?
Ike: Oh, it's the piglet mask I found in your closet!
Kyle: Mom! Where did you get that?!
Sheila: I've never seen that mask before in my life! Ike, take the piglet mask off!
Ike: No, I wanna wear it in Disney World on all the rides!
Sheila: You can't wear that on all the rides in Disney World. You gotta take it off.
Ike: But I gotta show Winnie the Pooh his best friend, Piglet!
Sheila: He already knows his best friend, Piglet. You gotta take that mask off right now!
Ike: No, Mommy. I wanna wear the piglet mask!
Kyle: Didn't Stan's dad...
Gerald: Please don't mention that in front of your brother.
Sheila: Take it off, Ike. Look. (Stammers) You can take Tow Mater. You just can't take the mask!
Ike: (Calmly) Oh, okay, Mommy. Oink, oink.
A few minutes later...
Gerald: So, Sheila, are we gonna talk about the piggy mask?
Sheila: We're not gonna talk about the piggy mask!
Sheila: Okay.
Ike: All right, Mommy, I'm ready to go to Disney World!
Sheila: All right, Ike, grab your ticket to Disneyland and let's go.
Ike: What?
Sheila: Grab your ticket to Disneyland.
Ike: Disneyland? I don't wanna go to Disneyland, I wanna go to Disney World!
Sheila: Ike, Disneyland and Disney World are the same thing!
Ike: No, they're not. I've already been to Disneyland, and now I want to go to Disney World!
Gerald: Ike, they're basically the same place.
Kyle: Yeah.
Ike: Uh, no they're not, because Disney World is the world of Disney, and Disneyland is the land of Disney, and I've never been to Disney World, so that's where I wanna go!!!
Sheila: Ike, if you been to Disneyland, there's no reason to ever go to Disney World. Even though Disney World is bigger and It has Epcot, and Hollywood Studios, and everything, Disneyland is closest to here!
Ike: I don't care! I've been to Disneyland, and now, I wanna go to Disney World!
Sheila: Ike, Disney World is all the way on the other side of the country in Florida! We live in Colorado! Disney Land is in California, so we need to go to Disney Land!
Ike: I don't care how far Disney World is! I want to go there because I've never been there!
Sheila: Ike, I already bought tickets to Disneyland! These tickets only work at Disneyland, so we're going to Disneyland!
Gerald: Wait, let me see. Let me see. Let me look real quick.
Sheila: They're only good at Disneyland, I already read it.
Gerald: Well, right here, it says that it's good for Disneyland or Disney World.
Sheila: It doesn't say that.
Gerald: Yeah: It says it right here...
Sheila: It does not say that. It does not say that.
Gerald: Oh, you want me to lie and say that the tickets are for Disneyland not Disney World. Oh-ho-ho!
Ike: I've already heard you! You just don't want to take me to Disney World because you think I'm ugly!
He bursted out crying.
Gerald: Oh, no, Ike. You're precious!
Sheila: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Disneyland doesn't think you're ugly, Disney World thinks you're ugly, so we don't want to go to Disney World.
Ike: If you don't take me to Disney World, I'm gonna get all Fs on my report card, and wear the piggy mask to school every day!
Sheila: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...
Gerald: No!
Ike continues crying.
Sheila: Okay, okay. We'll go to Disneyland. We're gonna go to Disneyland.
Ike: Okay.
Sheila: Okay, I'm gonna buy plane tickets. God, we have to fly to Floria. I'm afraid of flying, Gerald. Can you just go with him?
Gerald: Oh, no, Sheila. I have a bunch of appointments.
Sheila: Okay, okay, I'm gonna buy the plane tickets. Let's just go to the airport, Ike. We're going to Disneyland.
Ike: Yay!
Gerald: Bye!
Kyle: Bye, mom! Bye, Ike!
Onthe plane, Sheila was shaking.
Ike: Hey, Mommy. Hey, Mommy. Hey, Mommy!
Sheila: What, Ike? What do you want?
Ike: Come, come look out the window!
Sheila: No, I'm not going to go out the window. I'm afraid of heights!
Ike: Hey, mister. What's going on?
Sheila: Ike, leave the passengers alone!
Ike: (Gasps) You have peanuts? Can I have some of your peanuts? No? Oh, man. Mommy, can you give me some peanuts? The guy behind us said I have to get my own.
Sheila: I'll ask the flight attendant, Ike.
Ike: Because if I could get some peanuts right now, that would be the bomb.
Sheila: Ike, you cannot say it!
Ike: What?
Sheila: You can't say bomb!
Harrison: Excuse me, miss.
Sheila: Uh, yes?
Harrison: I got a complaint from another passenger that said you were threatening the plane with a bomb.
Sheila: No, no, no, no, no. My son said bomb and I told him not to say bomb.
Harrison: See, you just said it again.
Sheila: No, no, no, I was just saying what I'm saying.
Harrison: See, now, you're saying it so much. I'm thinking maybe you got one up your butt and you wanna use it.
Sheila: No!
Harrison: Miss, I'm gonna have to ask you to calm down.
Sheila: I am calm. I just don't like planes!
Harrison: Oh, you don't like planes so you want to get rid of it.
Sheila: No, no, no, I don't like flying.
Harrison: You don't like flying so you wanna force the plane down.
Sheila: No, no, no, no, no. You're being ridiculous!
Harrison: Miss, If you don't calm down, I'm gonna have to strap you to the seat.
Sheila: I am calm!
Harrison: All right, that was pretty rowdy. I'm gonna have to strap you.
Sheila is now strapped to her seat.
Sheila: No, no, no! Stop it! This is ridiculous!
Harrison: All right, miss. When we land, we're gonna untie you and we're gonna give you a cavity search.
Shelia: This is so stupid!
Ike: How did you get an extra seat belt?
Sheila: IKE, YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!!!
The Channel 5 Logo Appeared
Tom: Breaking news! A plane was forced to make an emergency landing after a woman threatened the plane with a bomb.
Kyle: Mom! Oh, my God!
Harrison appeared with Sheila and Ike.
Harrison: Sit down there, you!
Kyle: Mom, what is going on?
Sheila: Well, Ike had to...
Harrison covered her mouth.
Harrison: Quiet, you! I'll tell you what's going on! Your mother threatened to plane with a bomb!
Sheila pushed him off of her.
Sheila: Ike wanted peanuts on the airplane, and Ike said if he got peanuts it would be the bomb, and I said Ike, don't say bomb, and then, he heard me say bomb, and he stuck his hand up my butt looking for a bomb.
Gerald: See, Officer, it was just a mistake!
Harrison: No, no, no. Nobody says bomb on a plane unless they have one.
Sheila: What if the person's flying to Bombay?
Harrison: What did you just say? Get down! Let me check your butt again!
Sheila: I don't have a bomb in my butt!
Harrison: That's exactly what somebody with a bomb would say!
Gerald: Officer, what is going to happen?
Harrison: Well, your wife is on a no-fly list, which means she can never fly on a plane ever again!
Sheila: Well, I'm afraid of flying so I don't care.
Ike: So are we still going to Disney World?
Sheila: Oh, we're not going to Disney World after this!
Ike starts crying again.
Harrison: Oh, God. I hate crying people. Like whenever I arrest somebody, and they're like, "That's no mine! You just planted that in my car. I saw you!" and it's like I had to plant it there because I have to meet my arrest quota. Jeez! Anyway. Now, I don't wanna see you on a plane ever again, lady. You hear that, little woman?
Sheila: Stop poking me.
Harrison: Boop!
He left.
Sheila: Don't boop my nose!
Ike: So how are we gonna get to Disney World?
Sheila: Well, Ike, look. We... We can just drive to Disney World, but it's gonna take, like, three days, so we'll leave tomorrow.
Ike: Okay, good.
Sheila: All right.
Gerald: Sheila, I'm hungry. Can we go somewhere nice?
Sheila: Gerald, I just got put on a no-fly list. Do you think I wanna go to a restaurant?
Gerald: Come on, somewhere nice?
Sheila: (Sighs) I can see if we can get a reservation at Harry Hausen's.
Gerald: Harry Hausen's? But it's impossible to get a reservation!
Ike: Not for googly-bear.
Kyle: Monster's Inc. reference. Really?
Sheila: Let's go, Gerald.
Harrison: Oh, can I come? Please, please, please?
Sheila: What? No! You're not gonna go with us!
Harrison: (Sighs) You never take me anywhere. You're a dumb friend.
Sheila: But who will watch Ike?
Kyle: I'll watch him.
Gerald: Okay, great. Let's go, Sheila.
At Harry Hausen's...
Gerald: Sheila, how did you get us a reservation at Harry Hausen's?
Sheila: I didn't. We're just sitting at a random table.
Gerald: Sheila, what if they kick us out?
Sheila: Gerald, they're not gonna kick us out. We're already sitting here.
A waiter approached their table.
Waiter: Excuse me, but unfortunately, we are closing in five minutes.
Gerald: What?
Sheila: Oh, n-no. Gerald, don't worry. Look, we already know what we want. Can we just order?
Waiter: (Sighs) What can I get you?
Sheila: Gerald, hurry up and look at the menu.
Gerald: Okay, let me see. (The waiter sighed.) Oh, Sheila, I can't see it from here. Just order, uh, sushi and chocolate cake.
Sheila: Okay, uh, do you guys have sushi?
Waiter: We are now closing in four minutes.
Sheila: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I know what we want. Uh, can we get the-the dynamite roll?
Waiter: Okay.
Sheila: And then can we get the...the chocolate cake?
Waiter: Chocolate cake, ma'am?
Sheila: Yeah, yeah, it's right there.
She points at the menu, but only to the word that said chocolate bomb cake.
Waiter: I don't believe we don't have a chocolate cake on the menu.
Sheila: Yes you do. It's right here; it says "chocolate cake". Read it.
Waiter: Oh, you must be referring to the chocolate smothered calamari.
Gerald gags.
Shiela: No, no, no, no, no. That's up here. We're talking about the chocolate cake under desserts.
Waiter: Mmm, I'm sorry, ma'am, I'm afraid I don't have my reading glasses. You'll have to read it for me.
Sheila: It says "chocolate cake". Don't you know the menu?
Waiter: No, I'm sorry, we change the menu every day.
Gerald: Sheila, just order the chocolate cake.
Sheila: (Sighs) Okay, can I please get the-the chocolate bomb cake?
Waiter: Bomb! Bomb! This woman claims to have a bomb! Evacuate the building!
Sheila: No, no, it said chocolate bomb cake!
Harrison Yates approached them.
Harrison: Freeze, you're under arrest! Wait, it's you again? Now you're threatening a restaurant with a bomb?
Gerald: Officer, it's just a misunderstanding!
Sheila: Yeah, I was just trying to order food off the menu. Look, it says chocolate bomb cake. See, see, right there!
Harrison: Yeah, but the waiter said you also tried to order the dynamite roll. Why are you only ordering explosive menu items?
Gerald: But we wanted sushi!
Sheila: Yeah, he wanted sushi, and the only sushi was the dynamite roll, and she wanted chocolate cake and the only chocolate cake was a chocolate bomb cake. I was just trying to order the cake.
Harrison: But earlier, you threatened the plane with a bomb, so why did you think you should be ordering explosive menu items? You could have ordered literally anything else on the menu like the, like the Lady Baltimore cake. Whatever the hell that is? Or the, or the buttercorn pudding, huh? Why not that? Or the... Oh my God, look at these prices. Jesus Christ, I should be arresting the owners for robbery. Oh, my God. Wait, special shrimp stir fry. Oh, hold on, scoot over. I mean, I'm going to arrest you, but I mean, a man's got to eat. I'm hungry. What's in the special shrimp stir fry? Waiter! I need a waiter! Excuse me, can an officer get some goddamn service over here? You don't protect and serve? W-wait a minute...Oh yeah, that's right, they evacuated the building because of the bomb. The bomb!' That's right, you're under arrest! Now bend over so I can check your butt!
They are now at the Broflovski residence.
Harrison: All right, that's it! You're not allowed outside anymore! You're under house-arrest!
Sheila: House-arrest! Why?
Harrison: Because you won't stop talking about bombs! You already threatened the restaurant and a plane! I can't trust you!
Sheila: This whole thing's a misunderstanding!
Harrison: And I'm getting real tired of sticking my hand up your butt. I'm going to have to start wearing gloves because I'm getting tired of cleaning my fingernails.
Sheila: I was just trying to order food at the restaurant! It's called chocolate bomb cake! That's what it's called!
Harrison: My noses itches. (Sniffing) Oh, God, your house stinks. W-w-wait a minute, it's not your house; it's your ass! Ew, God.
He wipes it on their couch.
Sheila: Wash your hands!
Harrison: Wash your ass.
He starts wiping his hands on Sheila.
Sheila: What, what, what?!
Harrison: Gross.
Sheila: Don't wipe it on me!
Harrison: Why? It's your stink. It's your ass.
Sheila: Stop it! Oh, this whole thing is a misunderstanding. What can I do to stop all this?
Harrison: Well, if you could get a witness that could testify that you weren't really talking about a bomb, then I guess I could let you go.
Sheila: Well, m-my son, Ike; he knows this whole thing started over peanuts. He knows I wasn't talking about bombs.
Harrison: Okay, well, if you can get him to tell me you weren't talking about bombs, then I'll leave you alone.
Sheila: Okay, let me go get my son.
Harrison: No, no, no, no, no. I can't leave you alone with him. You might threaten him to make him say that. You're gonna have to bring him here.
Sheila: Okay. Gerald, can you send Ike a text?
Gerald: What do you want me to do?
Sheila: (Sighs) Send a text...
Harrison: SEMTEX?! LIKE THE EXPLOSIVE?!
Sheila: No, no! I said send a text.
Harrison: I heard Semtex.
Sheila: (Sighs) Can you send a text message to Ike and tell him to come here?
Gerald: Okay!
He left to get Ike.
Sheila: (Sighs) Y-y-you're crazy. Like, you're going crazy.
Harrison: No, I think you're crazy. So, I'm gonna give you a psychological test, okay? Now, how many fingers am I holding up, not my thumb?
Sheila: Not your thumb?
Harrison: Yeah, how many fingers do you see?
Sheila: I see four...
Harrison: C-4? Like the bomb? I'm gonna check your butt again!
Sheila: OH COME ON!!!
After that...
Harrison: Oh, God. (Sniffs) Ew! Oh, god, Would you, like, not wipe? What's going on?
Sheila: I-I don't expect someone to give me a cavity search. I'm not prepared.
Harrison: So you're just sitting like that? Doesn't it itch?
Ike: Hey, Mommy!
Sheila: Oh, hey, Ike. Tell the officer...
Harrison: No, no, no, no, no. Let me ask him. I don't want you to, like, stringing him along, or something. Okay, Ike, I have a few questions for you. So, like, do you guys not on toilet paper what's going on here?
Sheila: Well, ask him about the peanuts.
Harrison: The bombs. Right, okay. So Ike, now, has your mother ever said anything about hating planes?
Ike: Yeah?
Harrison: Oh, really?
Sheila: I don't like planes. I'm afraid of flying.
Harrison: Shh. shh. shh. Now, Ike, do you think your mother would like it if all the planes just exploded?
Ike: Yeah?
Harrison: Oh, really?
Sheila: I-I-I don't like planes. Like, I'm afraid of flying.
Harrison: Quiet, quiet. Now, Jeffy, does your mother have a lot of gasoline somewhere?
Ike: Yeah, in her car.
Harrison: Oh, really?
Sheila: All cars have gas in them!
Harrison: Then why don't you get a Tesla?
Sheila: Because they're really expensive!
Harrison: Oh, really? All right, Ike. I have one more question for you. Is this whole thing actually just about you wanting peanuts?
Ike: Yeah, 'cause I wanted peanuts, and I asked my mommy for some, and I said, if I got some peanuts, it would be the bomb.
Harrison: Oh, the bomb, like a good thing.
Sheila: Yes, yeah, it's like a good thing, like, oh-those are the bombs.
Harrison: Oh, well, don't I feel silly.
Sheila: Well, yeah, there's a big misunderstanding, do you understand it now?
Harrison: Yeah, okay, yeah, I know I understand, you're free to go.
Sheila: Yes! I'm free to go!
Harrison: Wait a minute! Unless he's in on it, and you actually do have something up your butt that I didn't find the first three times!
Sheila: No, there's nothing on my butt!
Harrison: Okay, I'll make you a deal. Let me search your butt one more time, and if I don't find anything, other than dingleberries, you're free to go.
Sheila: (Sighs) No, there's nothing in my butt!
Kyle: Mom, don't you want this to be over?
Harrison: Yeah, your ass is on the line.
Sheila: (Sighs) Okay, fine. Do it one more time.
Harrison: Yes!
After that...
Harrison: All right, I didn't find anything, so you're free to go, and I went up to the elbow this time.
Sheila: Thank God, It's over.
Ike: So when are we leaving for Disney World, Mommy?
Sheila: We're not going to Disney World!
At the police station...
Harrison: Guess what, Foley? You owe me 100 bucks.
Officer Foley: No way!
Harrison: Yep, that's right. You bet me that I couldn't get the same person to let me give him a cavity search four times in one day, and I did it, so smell it and weep.
Officer Foley: (Sniffs) Oh, God! Here, take your hundred and leave! Oh! (Coughing)
If some parts of this made you uncomfortable, I am so sorry for making them.
