The Throes of the Day
When Carina heard the shower turn on, she sighed, finally allowing herself to fully feel what she had been holding in since Andy had first run up to them in the parking lot. Venting her frustrations to Jack had been good, necessary to get her through the exam, but it hadn't been enough. Although, nothing really was. Carina couldn't help but to feel as if the only thing that would be enough is if she could go back in time and punch the man who had assaulted her in the throat just as Andy had done. She knew that dwelling on the past only made it harder— the only way that she could truly heal was to accept what had happened in full. However, as wrong as it was, she couldn't help but to feel jealous. She was jealous that Andy had been able to stop her attacker before it went any further. She was angry at herself for feeling that way. Carina knew that despite Andy's self-defense, she'd still been assaulted. She'd still been through something horrible. And instead of directing all of her energy into supporting her friend, Carina was sitting on the floor of the bathroom feeling jealous. She was sitting on floor of the bathroom pouting because the one person that could potentially actually make her feel better was saving the life of a rapist instead of being by her side. She was frustrated that despite being fully aware of how unfair these feelings were, she was still feeling them.
"Carina?" she felt a hand on her arm and flinched. "Sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you." It was Jack.
"Hi, Jack. It's alright." Jack sat down next to Carina, bringing his knees up to his chest. They sat in silence, neither of them quite sure what to say.
"How's Andy doing?" Jack asked after a while.
"I cannot speak to that entirely. However, I do believe that she is glad to finally be able to wash it all away," Carina replied.
"I imagine so."
"Has there been an update about her attacker?"
"Not yet," Jack shook his head, "Last I heard Maya was announcing that they had him in the aid car on the way to Grey Sloan. He was alive, but not stable."
"Va bene." They fell back into silence, a silence that continued until the water shut off, and Andy emerged.
Maya paced back and forth across the ambulance bay. Sullivan had finally surrendered that there was nothing more they could do but wait and had retreated to be alone in the front seat. Vic was sitting on the edge of the rig, kicking her foot at a puddle that lay beneath it. Now that the adrenaline had worn off, and Maya was no longer focused on making sure that her best friend did not go to jail for murder, her thoughts had drifted to her wife. Unfortunately, Carina had performed a great deal of rape kits in her time: part of the job description, but those were the days that she came home with a little less sparkle in her eyes, and a little less love for the world.
Directly following their reconciliation the year before, Maya and Carina had spent the next few weeks slowly but surely breaking down each other's walls. Maya had told Carina about every time that her father had made her run laps until she puked just because she'd asked to go out with friends, about all the times that he'd withheld dinner from her because she'd been off her personal best, and all the weekend mornings that she'd been awoken to a bucket of ice water dumped on her bed. She'd told her about the mashed potato incident, and all those like it. She'd told her about Mason, and how she wasn't sure that she would ever see him again.
Carina had told Maya about the dissolution of her parents' marriage, how her mother had been so angry with her father that she'd taken Andrew and moved to America. How she'd wanted to take Carina too, but Carina was old enough to realize that something was seriously wrong with her father and felt obligated to stay and take care of him. She told her about the process of getting him diagnosed with bipolar and how he was still in denial so many years later, about how scary it was to watch her little brother go through the same process. She told her about the last time she'd seen her father, about how he'd convinced her to take him back to America with her so that he and Andrew could work together on his latest project: a baby in a bag, even though babies were Carina's specialty. And finally, she'd told her about when she was 17 and made the mistake of going to a bar by herself. When she'd been cornered in the bathroom by the 25-year-old bar tender and told by the doctor that she attempted to report the rape to that she shouldn't have been drinking. That part of the reason she'd become an OB/GYN was so that not a single rape survivor that ever walked into a hospital that she worked at would ever be blamed for their own assault. However, as Maya knew, that didn't make it any easier, any less triggering, when the situation presented itself. Carina often had to separate herself from her patient in her mind, affirm that she didn't know this person, and that her only obligation was to make sure that they were as okay as they could be in the aftermath. In this case, that was near impossible, because Andy wasn't a stranger. She was a friend. Not only that, but Carina had told Maya that she longed for the opportunity to go back and fight. Andy had fought.
So Maya paced. She paced, because her wife was back at the station dealing with what was likely an astronomical trigger alone. She paced, because her best friend had just been assaulted, and while defending herself had likely killed her attacker, and despite putting all their best efforts into saving a man who did not deserve to be saved, it hadn't been enough. So now her best friend was going to be profiled as a murderer when in fact she'd just had the courage to do what so many other rape survivors wish they could have, because the justice system was beyond flawed, and it was her word against a dead guy's. Maya paced, because instead of being there to support her wife, she was at the hospital, because once again doing her job, and attempting to save a life was getting in the way of being the wife that Carina deserved.
"Maya," Vic said, attempting to get her attention.
"What?" It was harsher than she'd intended it to be, but it was hard not to revert to the 'eyes forward' mantra that had been so successfully ingrained in her brain from such a young age when there was so much disastrous uncertainty. She turned to face Vic, attempting to convey remorse at her tone with just her eyes.
"Please come sit. You're making me nervous."
"I'm not sure I can. If I sit down, if I completely let the adrenaline go, I'm not sure I will be able to handle it," Maya admitted, surprised at the honesty in her words. She had made so much progress with Carina, but she hadn't quite reached the point where she was comfortable being open about her feelings with her friends. At least, she hadn't thought she had.
"Just please sit anyways. I need you here with me." When Maya looked at Vic, she realized that Vic was just as scared as she was: scared that the man was dead, that they hadn't been able to save him, that Andy had killed him.
Carina dragged her hands through her hair with a deep sigh. She looked up at Maya's locker, which hung open. For someone who was so focused on organization, Carina was surprised that Maya left it unlocked. Although, she guessed it made sense. As firefighters, they never knew when they might have to leave the station in a hurry and, therefore, needed all their belongings to be easy access. She figured they likely all left theirs unlocked until they were off shift. In this moment, Carina was grateful that she could see inside. She was grateful that she could see Maya's street clothes carefully folded on top of each other, that she could see the strap of Maya's gold medal on the shelf next to her wedding ring, that she could see the picture that Emmett had taken of them cutting the cake and looking hopelessly in love that Maya kept pinned on the door. Next to it was a picture of Maya and Andy in their turnouts; they were covered in soot and Maya was holding her axe over her shoulder. There were great big smiles on their faces, as if they'd never been prouder of themselves. Andy was looking slightly to the left, at a man in a police uniform with kind blue eyes and a goofy smirk. Carina figured it was safe to assume that the man in the picture was Ryan. As she looked more closely, she began to cry. If only Ryan were there. If only Ryan could be the ally they needed on the force to make sure that dead or alive, Andy was not held responsible for what happened in the alleyway behind Joe's, and that her attacker was. Just as Carina reached up to brush the tears from her face, Sullivan raced into the room.
"Where is she?" he asked frantically, barely acknowledging that it was even an actual person he was talking to. Carina gestured to one of the bunks, where Andy had gone to change into the sweats that Jack had gotten her from Beckett's office. Before she could ask him what had happened, he was gone. Carina got up from the bench and exited the locker room. Her eyes widened when she saw who was around the corner. Detectives. And not the detectives that had taken Andy's statement about the rape earlier. These had to be homicide detectives. Beckett appeared to be engaged in a heated conversation with them, likely stopping them from following Sullivan, and asking them to allow him to bring Andy to them. Maya was standing off to the side, shifting her weight awkwardly from one foot to the other. When she saw Carina she ran to her, pushing them both back into the locker room, before pulling Carina into her arms.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered.
"What are you sorry for, bella?"
"I'm sorry that I haven't been here. I'm sorry that I had to go save a life that didn't even deserve to be saved instead of being here to support you and Andy."
"Oh, Maya, miele, you were supporting Andy. You were trying to make sure she didn't become a murderer for defending herself," Carina assured, burying a kiss in Maya's hair, "And by supporting Andy, you were supporting every other survivor as well, and that includes me." Maya removed herself from Carina's grasp just enough that she could see her face.
"Thank you for that." She sighed. "It's not what I mean though. You told me once that the way that you get through rape kits is by separating yourself from your patient and I know that you couldn't do that this time because it was Andy, and that was probably triggering for you and I'm so sorry that I wasn't here to hold you."
"I won't lie. It was hard. It was possibly the hardest exam I've ever performed. Si. There were moments that I would have preferred to have you here, but you are here now, and you are holding me now, and that is what matters."
"I love you."
"I love you. Don't let go."
"Never." They stood by the door of the locker room holding each other until Sullivan and Andy came out of the bunks.
"We will find a time to talk, just us once everything has settled down. I promise," Maya whispered into Carina's ear before stepping towards Andy. Carina nodded. Andy reached for Maya's hand, and Maya obliged.
"Go," Carina mouthed, a silent affirmation to Maya that she would be okay by herself for just a little longer. She knew that Andy more urgently needed her best friend right now than she needed her wife. With that, Maya went back out into the hallway, taking Andy with her, leading her to what would be number four on the list of terrible things that Andy had, had to endure that evening. The first being the attack itself, the second her statement with the SVU detectives, the third the experience of being violated all over again in the spirit of evidence, and now, the statement that would determine whether she would be arrested for murder, each event equally terrible in its own way.
Maya watched Andy and the detectives anxiously. She knew she should go find Carina, because once Andy was done being questioned, she wasn't sure there would be another moment where it would be appropriate for them to go off alone, but she found it hard to leave. Sullivan was there, but Maya wasn't his biggest fan at the moment. Finally she looked in his direction, and he gave her a look as if to say "I've got Andy."
She found Carina on the balcony overlooking the engine bay. She was leaned against the railing, her arms crossed in front of her.
"What are you thinking about?" Maya asked. Carina turned, a sad smile on her face.
"I was looking at your locker earlier, because I needed comfort, and I saw the picture of you, Andy, and Ryan."
"Oh yeah. I love that picture."
"It got me thinking about if Ryan were here. How nice it would be to have someone on the inside. To make sure the police do not butcher this investigation and put a victim in jail."
"I've been thinking about Ryan a lot recently too." Maya walked up to her wife, taking her hands in her own.
"You have?"
"If Ryan were alive, I would have wanted to ask him to be our donor. I don't talk about it a lot, but Ryan was the only person before you who knew about Mason. Andy didn't even know. Ryan arrested him once and I was his emergency contact, so he called me, and after that he would let me know whenever he came across Mason. Mason never wanted my help, so it was a way for me to make sure that he was okay without getting in his way. The truth is, I haven't known where Mason was since Ryan died."
"I'm sorry, bambina. About Mason. And about Ryan. I'm sorry you didn't get the chance to ask him to be our donor."
"It's okay. I'm glad that we asked Jack. Sometimes he reminds me a lot of Ryan. I think that's why Andy was in love with both of them."
"That makes sense."
"How are you, my love? If you need to fall apart, there's a pretty spacy storage closet we can go into." Carina smiled. Standing there on the balcony with Maya's hands in her own, it was the first time all night that she had actually felt okay, that she hadn't felt the need to fall apart. However, she knew that she should fall apart. Holding it all inside, no matter if it was purposeful or not, would just make things harder whenever the time came when she felt the need to again.
"Let's go to the closet."
"You mean, back in?"
"Cosa?"
"We were in the closet before, but then we came out of it, so now we're going back into it," Maya explained, inappropriately proud of herself for the joke. Carina laughed.
"That's silly," she said, then began to laugh harder. Maya's smile fell, knowing that despite her arrogance upon delivery, the joke was not funny enough for Carina to be reacting in the way that she was. She anticipated what was coming and had them halfway to the closet before Carina's laughter disintegrated, replaced instead with gut wrenching sobs that shook her whole body, and broke Maya's heart into pieces. Maya closed the door behind them and helped Carina to the floor. Carina buried her head in Maya's chest and grabbed onto her shirt with both hands. Maya slid one hand around Carina's back, the other resting in her hair. She pressed a kiss to the top of Carina's head, and another, and another.
"Shhh. I've got you. I'm right here. It's okay. I'm right here." When her wails had calmed to a gentle sniffle, Carina looked up at Maya with bloodshot eyes.
"I'm jealous and I hate myself for it," she said, "The only thing I've ever wanted is to be able to go back and fight him before it gets too far, and I cannot. Andy did, and I'm so proud of her, but I'm also jealous, and I hate that."
"I know." Maya didn't need to say anything else. Carina didn't need her to say anything else. She just needed to know that Maya was there, and that she was listening, and that she understood.
"What do you need?" she asked.
"Baciami."
"Of course." Maya gently wiped away the remaining tears that fluttered down Carina's cheeks, and then she kissed her. They waited until Carina was ready, and then they got up from the floor, and walked out of the closet hand in hand to see if the detectives were done with Andy.
A couple of hours later, they were all gathered in the locker room. It had been decided that Andy would spend the night. Travis and Theo had arrived in a drunken stupor, having been alerted to the situation at hand by a call from Vic, and were currently in the process of pretending to beat up Andy's attacker. This was, it seemed, just what Andy needed, as indicated by her infectious laughter. Carina and Maya shared a knowing look as those around them began to join in. Due to Carina having had her very own version of the same breakdown that Andy was on the verge of earlier in the night, and Maya having witnessed it, they knew what was coming.
Andy soon began to choke on her sobs, at which point she got up and retreated to a bunk. She curled into a ball on the bed without even bothering to get under the comforter. Jack followed close behind, and when she was settled, he climbed in next to her and wrapped his arm around her. She grabbed his hand with her own, her cries growing louder. Carina helped Maya carry in an extra mattress, which they set on the floor. Maya lay down as soon as it was situated, yearning to contribute to the creation of a space where Andy would feel loved and supported, and safe enough to sleep. Maya wasn't entirely sure what her place was. Sure, her father had abused her, but she had never been a victim of a sexual assault. She didn't know what was helpful and what was harmful. Creating an environment where Andy could come to terms with what had happened without worrying about dealing with outside forces— that she could do.
Carina took a blanket off the top of the dresser and draped it over her wife. She was worried about her. From asking Jack to be their donor to Andy's assault and the aftermath, they hadn't gotten a chance to talk about Beckett's chosen method of punishment, and what trauma it may have brought up for Maya. Carina wasn't even sure that Maya, herself, had thought about it all that much, too busy being focused on other things. That was one of the problems that had made coming to terms with her trauma so hard to begin with. Maya had been so busy focusing on the future that she hadn't had time to stop and analyze the past, or to live in the present. As much as she'd been getting better at living in the present, and at analyzing the parts of her past that were necessary to analyze, when there was a crisis or a major event, Maya always reverted to the comfort of looking two steps ahead, because that was the best way she knew how to handle it. Carina loved how much Maya loved to take charge, because she knew that although it stemmed from how her father had raised her, her reasonings were the opposite of what his had been. She took charge because she cared about the people around her and wanted to do everything she could to make sure that things worked out for them, that they were happy.
However, it wasn't always all that great for Maya; she needed to find a balance that would allow her to take care of herself as well as those around her. Until she found that balance, Carina knew that sometimes it would fall on her to make sure that Maya was taking the time she needed to take care of herself, and Carina was happy to do that. It was easier said than done though. Carina lay down next to Maya, and draped her arm across her stomach, resting her head on the edge of Maya's shoulder. Maya lifted the blanket, adjusting it so that it was covering Carina as well. She turned her head and placed a soft kiss on Carina's forehead. Carina snuggled closer. After a few minutes the rest of their station family began to shuffle in. Vic sat down at the foot of the bed with a blanket, leaning against the wall with her knees pulled up to her chest. Travis and Theo took their place at the doorway, turning their earlier charade as the protectors into a reality, as if to say, "we should have been there and we weren't, but now we are." Ben and Sullivan stood just outside, one leaned against each wall, keeping watch to report of any dangers.
When Andy's tears finally subsided, and Carina could hear the even breathing of each member of the team besides Maya, indicating that they had succumbed to slumber, she adjusted her head so that her lips were against Maya's ear. That way she could say what she needed to without making an audible sound.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"No." Maya took a deep breath. "Today was supposed to be one of the happiest moments of our lives. We were supposed to ask Jack to be our donor, and he was supposed to say yes, and we were supposed to finally be able to start our family. Instead Sullivan had to report Beckett for drinking on the job, which led him to punish us by having us run laps until we puked, in turn leaving me traumatized. And then some asshole decided he had the right to try to force my best friend to have sex against her will, which in turn traumatized her and you, because you were forced to relive your own assault as a result, and instead of being there for both of you, I had to go try and to save that asshole's life, and now because I failed my best friend is being investigated for murder. Much like our wedding, the day we were supposed to start our journey to parenthood has also turned into a shit show. So, no, I am not okay. But right now all I want to do is go to sleep in my wife's arms, and try to forget all about how much of a shit show it was."
"Okay. Then that's what we'll do."
"Okay."
"Goodnight, bella."
"Goodnight, Carina. Thank you." And that's just what they did. As the clock struck midnight, the DeLuca-Bishops held each other tight, let themselves forget the throes of the day, and drifted off into a dream.
