Amon had written out his testament. It wasn't the first time he'd written one, but it was the most difficult.
It was the most difficult because it was the most conflicted he'd ever felt about an operation.
There were a lot of places he could be spending the evening, and yet he ended up by the waterway. Standing by the railing, staring down at the tunnel that Mado had died in.
Somehow he knew she would show up, but it was still a shock to suddenly realize that he was not alone. As he turned around to take a seat on the bench, he saw that it was already occupied.
She was slouching against the backboard, one foot propped up on the bench and the other stretched out in front of her. She wasn't in her school uniform. Instead she was wearing combat boots, shorts, and an oversized long-sleeve shirt that made her look almost frail. She was indistinguishable from any other stylish tomboy walking down the street.
"We have got to stop meeting like this," she said.
"Don't joke like that. I already had a subordinate try to kiss me today."
"Wow, even someone as boring as you has some juicy drama going on. What do you mean, 'try'?"
Amon could feel himself blushing at the memory. How shameful. "I…turned away from her."
"But you wanted to kiss her?"
Amon groaned and admitted out loud what he could barely admit to himself. "Yes. I wanted to kiss her."
The girl smirked and rolled her eyes. "Oh man, you blew it then. If this woman put herself out there like that and you turned her down, you're not gonna get a second chance for a long time." She seemed to grow sad. "Life is short. You should've gone for it."
"It felt wrong. I'm her superior, and she doesn't know that I'm betraying her. I'm on speaking terms with her father's murderer, after all."
Touka deflated. "Oh. That…would complicate things."
"Yes, it would." He put his hands in his pockets. "I can't forgive you for killing my mentor, but I can understand why you felt driven to it."
Touka looked out over the waterway. It was different, talking to her here face-to-face. There was a catharsis to it.
Finally, she spoke. "That day…the girl he was trying to hunt incapacitated him but she refused to kill him. She said that she was so sad and lonely without her mom and dad, and that hurting him more wouldn't fix how sad she was. But he was so full of rage, he wouldn't stop trying to get to her. So…I had to step in. I'll never be sorry I saved her, but…I can be sorry about the effect his death had on you and his family."
Amon had already guessed along those lines based on the autopsy reports. To hear the account of the girl who'd struck the killing blow reopened that wound in a new way. Like the girl Touka had been protecting, though, this time he didn't feel outraged. This time he just felt sad.
"He lost his wife to an attacking ghoul. She sacrificed herself so all the other investigators with her, including him, could escape safely."
"I figured it was something like that. Just all of us going around in circles, killing each other. Forever."
The way her voice broke made him glance over. He was shocked to see tears running silently down her face. "Ms. Kirishima—"
"Ew. You know what? That's still Rabbit to you, buddy."
He almost smiled. "Ghouls kill and eat people. It's that simple to most. Until there's a way around that, true peace will be impossible."
"I think Ryoko only ever ate suicide victims. She would have rather died than harm someone. It still got her killed."
That surprised Amon a bit. Occasionally, ghouls would break into morgues or funeral homes, but that was considered a sign of desperation on their part. "Suicide? So you…"
She tilted her head to the side in that predatory way of hers. "Don't get too optimistic. You're right that lot of us still hunt. I always have. I meant it when I said I would give anything to be human and just live on ramen. I really don't enjoy killing. But if I'm strong enough to handle it, I should take that burden on myself and leave my share of sin-free meat to someone like Ryoko's daughter who's too young to handle it."
She glanced over to him with a blank face. "Besides, I don't think any grown man following a lone teenage girl into an alley has very good intentions."
He chewed on everything she'd just admitted to. "Nagachika is right. You are kind, in your own peculiar way."
"I know." She sighed. "Anyways, the real reason I'm here is because I've been fired from my job, kicked out of my apartment, and forced to drop out of school, so now I'm a delinquent with nothing keeping me off the streets. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"
Amon raised his eyebrows. "So the extermination forces will converge on an empty café?" He almost hoped that would be the case at this point.
She glared at him. "No. You'll have your sacrificial lambs so you can tell yourselves the operation was a success. Otherwise, you'd never let the rest of us stop running. But the ghouls of the 20th ward will survive just fine."
"Are you aware that you just gave me some incredibly valuable intel?"
She shrugged. "I think I've got your number now. All I have to do is say something like, oh, I trust you to do the right thing and not narc on a bunch of reformed human-loving hippies who only wanted to make some kick-ass lattes. Am I wrong? Are you going to go run to your superiors and sell a bunch of refugees out for a promotion?"
It was a bit infuriating how accurate she was. "What makes you think that you can still trust me? Maybe I was the one who brought Anteiku to the attention of my superiors."
"You weren't. You didn't kiss that woman. You want to do the right thing even when no one recognizes it and you lose out because of it. That's not a bad kind of person to be, by the way."
"You're right. That is the kind of person I want to be. But the One-Eyed Owl is too dangerous to leave alone, while we wait for the next killing spree."
"The One-Eyed Owl…" she trailed off, thinking. Collecting herself, she continued. "The One-Eyed Owl is the best person I've ever met. Human or ghoul. He's the one that took me in when I was an angry kid. He got me into school. He took the most violent, dangerous ghouls in the 20th ward and turned them into good people who care deeply about humans.
"I don't know everything about his story, but I know he suffered a lot and maybe he caused a lot of suffering, too, to become who he is. And I know if you guys exterminate him, you're taking out one of the good guys. You have no idea how much he's kept Aogiri in check, and how many ghouls he's rescued from lives of senseless violence.
"I actually wanted to find you to ask..." She took a long pause and appeared to be steeling herself. "Is there…any way to stop this operation? I can give you information. I'll snitch on some ghouls that have pissed me off. If it would save Anteiku and everyone there, I might even turn myself in to the CCG. Pretend I'm the Black Rabbit or something."
Amon felt pity at her desperation. And a begrudging respect at the way she was ready to sacrifice herself. He remembered one of his colleagues remarking that they didn't even know if ghouls felt a sense of camaraderie. Well, here was his proof.
"Stopping this mission is above my pay grade. All the moving parts are already in motion. I'm not sure if anything can stop it at this point, now that the One-Eyed Owl is within the sights of the upper ranks. Much as I'd love to collar the Rabbit, it won't change anything. They'll throw you in Cochlea and keep to the original plan. You should save martyrdom for when it'll make a difference."
Touka processed his words with bitter disappointment. A breeze rustled the tree branches.
"At least you're honest." She grabbed at the necklace she was wearing, fiddled with the ring at the end. "Can I make another big request?"
"That really depends on the request."
"The Black Rabbit…is my little brother. I know he's been wreaking havoc. But he's been lost for so long. He's only like this because I should have done a better job of raising him. I couldn't save him from his hatred of humans. If there's ever a choice between killing him and taking him to Cochlea…"
Amon remembered, in a flash, several sibling pairs from the orphanage. How the older one would always try to take on the role of both parents to shelter the younger.
"I can try, if I'm ever in the position to do that. Will he be there? Will Aogiri be there?"
"I don't think so. At least not to help Anteiku. If any of them do show up, it will be as vultures. I'm warning you now, though, Anteiku won't go down with a fight. We might just be some ghouls serving coffee, but we won't roll over and die. If you attack us, we'll fight back. We have the right to defend our lives when we're attacked, don't you think?"
"I don't want to see you there. I don't want to meet you in battle, because I don't want to kill you."
"I don't want to kill you either. But I held my own against you just fine, remember?"
"Don't be so sure about that. I didn't have a quinque that day, and I've been training hard."
She rolled her eyes at him, then grew serious. "People I love will be there. Fighting the CCG. The thought of abandoning them makes me feel like a worthless coward."
Amon thought for a minute. All the unformed thoughts that had been tumbling around in his head came together, in a flash of clarity. "Ms. Rabbit, talking with you has been an enlightening experience. I'm no longer sure that the CCG handles the problem of ghouls in the best possible way. That being said, I signed up to be an investigator. I chose that path as an adult. I owe a duty to my superiors, loyalty to my colleagues, and protection to my subordinates. I won't disobey orders while the friends I care about follow their orders and march to their deaths. This operation is happening too fast to change anything about it, so I need to at least be there to protect them."
"You, though, are a child. You didn't sign up to be a part of a war, you were born into it. You were thrown in against your will. And it sounds like the people you care about are making a lot of sacrifices to keep you safe."
"So, what?! I'm just supposed to sit around while I lose everything again? I'm supposed to leave the people I care about to be slaughtered by people you care about?"
He grabbed the cross around his neck. "You were right when you said it's not fair. It isn't fair that we were all born on opposite sides of an uncrossable divide. And it isn't fair that we live in a world that pits us against each other like this."
"It's not an uncrossable divide. Kaneki crossed it, and he seems to be pretty firmly Team Ghoul these days. You're standing here talking to me like I'm a real person. I'd call that crossing it."
"I hope you're right, and peace isn't some impossible dream. But it won't come in time to stop this upcoming battle. I'm one person, I can't change the whole course of the CCG. For my part, I can only do the next right thing on my path. That's why I must see this operation through before I can start dreaming of a better future."
Neither of them was ready to leave yet—ending this conversation meant they were one step closer to a future neither of them were looking forwards to. So they sat for a while longer.
"I really regret studying so much. Now I'll never get to go to college. I should have spent more time with my friends. Did you know it was Kaneki who talked me into going to college? I was about to drop everything and go with him when he left to chase down that doctor, and he told me I should study for the entrance exams instead. And look what good it did!"
Touka frowned. "I should have kissed him instead of punching him." She laughed, sounding a bit unhinged. "No, I should have still punched him and then kissed him. You shouldn't actually take dating advice from me, by the way. I'm…not good at it."
She looked off into the city. "I'm not ready to leave this life. I was going to go with Yoriko to the zoo this weekend. It feels like my death, somehow."
Amon looked at her. He could only see a teenaged girl, one who hid behind her rage and her sarcasm. He saw how truly scared she was, how powerless she felt in the face of the future bearing down on her. How alone she felt. A lost orphan a lot like he once was.
"'No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear,'" he quoted. "If this is a kind of death to you, grieve it. And then get up and keep living. As long as there's life, there's hope."
She leaned on the railing, chin on her hands. Not looking at anything in particular, just gazing into the distance with that hint of wistfulness on her face. "I really liked working at Anteiku, you know? There were a lot of long Saturdays where I'd people watch from behind the counter. There would be ghouls and humans talking to each other about movies, and their terrible bosses, and the price of rent…That's what peace looked like to me. If you make it to the other side of this, I'll be in a coffee shop somewhere. I'll make you a latte on the house as long as you come in peace." She smiled. "My latte art is a big hit with the customers, you know."
He thought on that for a moment. That wasn't how the CCG imagined peace at all. And yet, there was something good and true in her vision of peace. The world was broken; he had been right about that. But it was fractured in a far deeper way than he had previously realized. It wasn't just the existence of ghouls that destroyed peace.
"I hope I can take you up on that one day."
That's all I got for now. Holler if you liked it or if you thought it was too weird or if it briefly distracted you from the unending onward march of time and your own mortality. That's it, go home, shut it down :)
