"I always hope that you remember
What we have is strong and tender
In the middle of the madness
Hold on

So it truly is a good thing
And I always wanted you to know
There is always this and this is everlasting
Hold on…"

Sade – "Nothing Can Come Between Us"

A queer feeling of unease settled in Disa's stomach. At first, she thought the last cocktail she drank had too much vodka in it and the churning acid was a reaction to it. However, when Erik failed to show up with Marisol, she braved the tightly packed club again to search for them.

Moving along the perimeter, she made a path to the back where she last saw Erik headed. There were still people meandering near the restrooms, and she decided to poke her head out of the exit. There wasn't an alarm to stop her, so she pressed down on the long silver bar handle and pushed the door open.

Shock spread across her face. It spread even further when she felt what she thought was a hard punch to her gut. All the air blew out of her mouth with a loud grunt, and when she looked down, she saw a black handle sticking out of her body and warm blood spreading across her dress.

"What happened?" she screeched, after falling to her knees and then collapsing onto her back.

She was too scared to touch the knife, too scared to scream or do anything except allow the shock of her sympathetic nervous system to take over. Her blood flow was like water rushing across her stomach.

I can't die. Not here. Not like this. I have too much to do…

Pain didn't connect with her brain until she saw the horrified look on Erik's face as he gazed down at her. Her man had always been the bravest person she knew, but in that fleeting moment, Disa saw fear in his eyes. Once she witnessed that, the pain washed over her midsection. Before her eyesight became hazy and she fainted from the blood loss, Erik lifted the cop and snapped his neck like he was a cheap toy. He stood in front of her and Disa could no longer deny what had been troubling her spirit after fighting with him the day before. While Afonso and Marisol shook with fear, Erik's body was steady. His hands didn't shake at all. Even his breathing was steady, but what was even scarier was the look in his eyes. Bloodlust peered back at her. Panic didn't set in for him until he was by her side and the fear of losing her grabbed a hold of his throat. But before then, he was in tune with his killer instinct.

She begged him to leave with Marisol before losing consciousness.

In the hospital, bright lights and big faces glared down at her as they rushed her into surgery. Disa woke up in pain with a brand-new scar stitched across her waist. The abdominal trauma thankfully didn't penetrate any vital organs. A doctor removed her appendix. She had lost two liters of blood prior to surgery and would be bedridden for a few days before she could fly home. Once she woke up post-up, she begged Erik not to come to the hospital, but he snuck in late one night with Marisol. The authorities believed her tourist robbery story, and she gave them the address of her Airbnb for the police report. She knew Erik wouldn't go there at all after the attack. Once he knew she was going to survive, his family urged him to leave the country before Disa recovered to avoid any connections to him.

The hospital discharged her to Erik's godparents, and they cared for her until she was well enough to travel. Popping painkillers and talking to her mother was all she did besides sleeping. She left Brazil on a redeye flight and Erik picked her up from the airport. It was a quiet ride to their home. Disa pretended to sleep. She didn't want to talk about what happened or how Erik found himself in that situation that endangered her life. Her feelings were everywhere and emotionally, she was too weak to lash out at her disappointment with the trip and also Marisol's experience. Globo TV received so many complaints about Marisol being chosen to represent the carnival season that they removed the title from her and gave it to a lighter-skinned Black woman with narrow facial features and thin lips. She sported a blonde Beyonce-inspired wig and gave the country the woman they felt more comfortable representing Black culture. Proximity to whiteness. It disgusted Disa and Marisol gave up wanting to be part of her samba school or anything carnival-related. The uproar grew even more massive as people connected her to Negra Lia and the Sao Paulo Four.

Erik carried her into the house even though she told him she could walk with minimal pain. He cared for her and she grew stronger physically. Mentally, she was at a crossroads. Erik knew it, too. Three months into her return, they sat in bed together watching TV and she made an announcement.

"I'm going back to Cambridge. For good," she said.

"I can work from anywhere—"

"I don't want you to go with me."

"You serious? Why?"

"I need to be alone. I want to be in my house again."

"You want to leave me? Now?"

"I want time away from you because I need to figure out what my life is again. I don't think we're a good fit anymore. We're not on the same page for anything, and no matter what I say, you are intent on doing this mercenary shit. I'm tired of living in fear. I saw you take a man's life like it was nothing. There is no joy in being with you anymore. Despite the last two good years we've had together, I can see your future. You'll die out there. I know it."

"Don't say that."

He put his arms around her, and she shoved them back.

"Don't touch me. That shit won't work on me anymore, either. You've used up everything that I have to give and I'm not getting anything back, anything in return that's healthy or nourishing to my spirit, Erik."

"Disa—"

"This is not the life I want anymore. I deserve better and I'm going to find better."

The hurt on his face pierced her heart, but he needed to hear the truth.

"You are killing my soul and I will not help you do it anymore. It's over. We're not getting married. We're not building a life together. I love you with all my heart, baby, but that's not enough to sustain me. This egregious quest blinds you, and I don't matter to your bottom line. You pretend I do—"

"You do matter—"

"Then quit this merc shit, Erik! Forget Wakanda. Forget being this secret prince bullshit. We're not living and it's strangling me!"

She raised her knees up and pressed her face into them, weeping openly.

"I have to do this," Erik pleaded. "I don't know how to make you understand that this will pay off huge in the end for us. Why can't you believe in me?"

"I believe in the Erik Stevens with the genius mind who could bring good to the world, not this cosplay Killmonger fake-ass hero who parades around the world doing shit against people who have nothing to do with the uplift of the diaspora. That was what we were supposed to do together! I would build a world for our people and you would create tech or anything your mind could conceive to make it better for us. We're over."

He jumped out of the bed naked and angry.

"You just need time away from me. I understand that. But we're not breaking up—"

"I'm moving next week—"

"You're not leaving me!" he screamed.

The roar from his mouth scared her, and she moved from the bed. Erik took a deep breath and pounded a fist into his palm.

"This is just a temporary separation. You'll go to Cambridge and miss me, and then we can talk about getting married and going to Egypt."

"I'm not marrying you. We're not going to Egypt and this is not temporary for me."

"But you love me."

"I do."

"Then give me a chance to finish this work."

She shook her head.

"You've had years," she said.

She stuck her feet into slippers.

"I'm going to sleep in the living room," she said.

He blocked the door.

"You can't leave me, Disa. Please. I will give you the world—"

"You were my world, Erik. You couldn't even see that."

She grimaced. Her stab wound was still healing, and she touched her scar tissue.

"Need your pills?" he asked with worry.

"No. I took them earlier. It hasn't kicked in yet."

"Baby, you don't have to sleep in the living room."

"I do."

Disa tried walking around him, and he grabbed her arms.

"Disa."

"Let go of me."

"I can't."

He pulled her in and hugged her. His body trembled as he tried to make her forget the words she said and the ones still unsaid.

Later in the night, when she curled up in a blanket on their lumpy sectional, she heard him crying in their bed. It took every ounce of strength in her not to go to him. If she did, she wouldn't leave him, and he would continue to hurt her. She covered her ears and pretended not to hear his pain.

No matter the turmoil, it had to be done. He would kill her if she stayed. She was half dead already.

###

She kept the ring.

That was a good sign.

Erik expected Disa to leave it behind when she walked out on him, but it sat shiny and expensive on her ring finger as she caught her flight out of town. Their military housing was empty and all of the things she wanted to keep were shipped to her in Cambridge. He stayed in a hotel until it was time for him to fly out to Iraq.

He met Tahir in a small hotel near the city of Mosul. The man introduced him to his new boss, who was impressed with Erik's resume. He spent two weeks learning their policies and procedures and became part of an international team of experienced mercs.

Despite being so far away, he kept in touch with Disa. Their breakup devastated their families. Her mother called him and cried on the phone, followed by his own grandfather begging him to go back to do whatever he had to do to keep her.

His soul was torn between wanting to give up the ghost and trying harder, but his heart and mind were clear. Erik needed Klaue. He had the training and access to tools to get him next to the man. It crushed him that Disa couldn't hang in there with him. She treated him like a pariah after her stabbing. He had no control over that happening. It wasn't like he set out to kill a cop. The man harmed her and he had to pay for it with his life. It was that cut and dry. Erik dealt with his frustrations by drinking. His sexual urges were going up the wall. Things got so bad that he had to buy himself a brown-skinned sex toy with a big ass and fat pussy to pleasure himself at night. He thought of Disa, lubed up the fake pussy, and fucked it like it was really his woman. Pitiful.

Six months flew by and he still couldn't believe she had dumped him. With all they had been through together, Disa pushed him aside and went on with her own life. He recorded so many messages cursing her out, then begging for her to let him come back before he would erase them. Erik carved more scars on his body from his work. Keloids sprouted on his body to mark his kills and remind him of the ultimate goal. He spied on Disa through her social media. He scoured her images and always checked for that ring finger. She kept that diamond. To him, that meant that it wasn't truly over. No woman would keep an engagement ring if she threw away the future groom. She just needed time. Perspective. None of his dick.

After fulfilling three gigs, he took a quick break and returned to Oakland to visit Dante and Walter. He asked his best friend to design a few flak jackets made to his specifications. Erik left his hometown in good spirits and flew to Cambridge. He rented a hotel suite, drank himself beyond drunk, and scrolled his phone staring at Disa's TL. She snagged a part-time teaching position at M.I.T. and took another career-defining move with a start-up design firm. Erik texted her a message to congratulate her new job. There was no response. But he saw that she read it.

He wanted to see her.

Months of no contact wore him down. She kept in touch with Marisol, Serah, and Dante, but she refused to communicate with Erik personally. Out of the blue, she sent him a birthday card to his new P.O. Box address, and he started writing letters to her. They were never returned, so he hoped she read them. He expressed his feelings, his plans, and his sincere wish to reconcile. Nothing worked. Despite her silence, he continued to fool himself into believing that she would eventually forgive him. She may have cast him aside, but Disa would always be in his heart no matter where he was in the world. All he wanted was a chance to prove that his dream to conquer Wakanda would come true. She just had to hang in there with him a little longer to see it come to fruition.

Erik wanted to come home and have his base be with her in Cambridge. So much time had passed, and he was still alive and well. He had to show her that her fears were unfounded. Taking a chance, he bought himself new clothes. All the gear he carried around in duffle bags were stuffed with mercenary clothing, boots, and plain civilian garb. He spruced up his appearance, sprinkled cologne on his body, and set out to claim his woman.

He parked his rental car a block away from their address and walked in the cool darkness toward the home they once shared. When he stood in front of it, he saw that she had some work done on it, even with the low-lit porch light. Fresh paint with two-tone coloring. The porch was re-done with better wood and reinforcement for the heavy winter snow. New flowers were planted around the windowsills. Smoke curled out of the chimney and he closed his eyes, sniffing the air for the comforting scent of a burning fireplace in the den. Home. He walked up the steps and was pleased that the passcode to the alarm system and his keys still worked on the front door. Stepping inside, his skin took in the warmth and odors of cinnamon and sugar. She'd been baking that day. Perhaps she made her cinnamon rolls with the thick icing.

Erik pulled off his coat and hung it in the closet near the front door. He kicked off his shoes and placed them in the shoe holder for guests, then walked up the steps toward the living room. The house was dark, but the glow of the streetlamps filtered through the new lighter curtains. Soft music played on her house system, the gentle jazzy vibes that helped her sleep. He smiled and took a moment to enjoy the sensual sounds washing over him. The low glow of the dying fire attracted his attention, and he stepped into the den to warm his hands. He sat on a rocking chair and stared at the orange and red embers dying behind a protective metal screen.

He dozed in the chair until he heard laughter coming from her room. It sounded like she was on her cell phone. Erik stood up and headed toward their bedroom. There was a soft hint of light under the closed door. More laughter, weighted with pleasure this time. He pushed the door open.

Disa was naked, riding the dick of another man. The stranger palmed her breasts and sucked on her nipples while she had her head thrown back. Her laughter choked Erik's neck like there was a rope around it, dragging him to his doom. Flickering candles on the nightstand revealed her glistening skin from the light sheen of sweat that covered her body. Music in the room drowned out any other sounds except her pussy sliding around a sheathed erection.

The man saw Erik first and lifted himself to protect Disa's nudity by throwing his arms around her.

"Who the fuck are you?" the man shouted.

He was older, and his hair was probably dyed a jet-black color to appear youthful. Nice build. A few gray chest hairs mixed in with a few dark strands.

"What are you doing here?" Disa screamed.

Erik started laughing. He couldn't help himself. The déjà vu had him doubled over. Hadn't he lived through this scenario before, when he was younger? Getting caught fucking another man's estranged fiancé? Devika's face flashed before him. It felt so long ago. A big bruiser of a man caught him having sex with his fiancé and beat Erik's ass. The full circle moment made him laugh harder, even as he lunged forward and played his new role in the scenario as the jilted lover. He dragged Disa off of the man's dick and began fighting him on the bed. The older man protected himself, but he was no match for Erik's speed and ferocious hands.

"Erik! Stop it!"

Disa pulled a robe around herself and stood back from them. Erik pummeled the man on the bed and threw him to the floor.

"Okay, okay!" the man screamed, holding his hands up to protect his face from more blows.

"Fucking my fiancé?" Erik yelled, "In my bed?"

"You have no business being here!" Disa shrieked.

"I'm fucking plastic pussy and you're back here getting cozy with some new nigga already?"

The incredulous expression on Disa's face didn't faze him. He knew she would move on, but he wasn't ready for it to happen in less than a year. Shit was too soon for Erik. He still felt like her body was his. In his mind, Disa was his wife. Some older dude was fucking his wife while he was trying to find the key to get him into the kingdom to make her a queen.

"Get the fuck outta my house!" Erik screamed.

His voice cracked with the anger-fueled shots he lobbed at the man to get him to move.

"Gary, you don't have to go anywhere—"

"Oh yes, Gary fucking needs to get outta here!"

Erik kicked the man in his wide ass while he scrambled to gather his trousers and expensive shirt and tie. Disa smacked Erik several times on his back and he pushed her back to make sure Gary left the house. The man staggered down the stairs with Erik on his heels, grabbing a shoe that fell from his hand. He threw it at Gary and slammed the front door shut when he tumbled outside onto the porch.

Erik stormed back up to the bedroom where Disa turned on the lights and had her cell in her hand.

"Who you callin'?"

"The police! This is breaking and entering—"

"How am I breaking into my house with keys?"

He slapped the phone out of her hand and it landed on the bed.

"No one invited you here!"

He stepped toward her, and she jumped back from him and held her hands up to protect herself.

"I won't put hands on you. I'm not that kind of asshole—"

"Yes, you are! You beat up a man and threw him out of my house. He could sue you!"

"He ain't gon' do shit because he knows you're still my woman."

"I'm not anything to you!"

"You're still wearing my ring."

She clamped her mouth shut. He grew smug.

"I'm only back in town for another two weeks, then I have a short stint overseas. I'll be back."

"I don't give a shit what you do. I told you we aren't getting back together. Just go kill people and leave me the fuck alone."

She picked up her phone again and dialed a number.

"Gary? Are you okay? Where are you? Alright, wait there, I'm coming outside—"

He snatched the phone from her and hung it up.

"You're just trying to make me jealous with that clown," he said.

Disa tightened her robe and shoved past him. Erik followed her to the front porch. Gary hastily dressed in his rumpled clothes and his wide eyes were cautious in Erik's presence.

Disa stroked the back of the man's neck.

"Go back inside. I'll handle this," she said.

Gary smirked and walked into the house.

"Leave," she ordered.

Erik stared at her. Despite her anger, and despite the humiliation she felt, he sensed in her some relief to see him alive. Outside, she didn't act spitefully toward him. Even her anger had cooled.

"I want you back, Disa."

"This isn't the way to show me you've changed. It only proves that I was right about leaving. You're unhinged and I don't want you coming here ever again."

"Oh, so you and Gary are going to play house now? Is that it? You've moved on that fast? Huh? Don't look away from me!"

He grabbed her arm. His fingers dug into the silk of her robe and pressed down hard on her skin.

"You're hurting me," she gasped.

He let her go.

"I'm sorry. Baby, I just wanted to see you again. Talk to you. I fucked up by not calling first. I just wanted to come home and have you hug me, tell me you made a mistake about us."

Disa rubbed her arm, then lingered near the open front door.

"I didn't make a mistake, Erik. I told you how it was going to be from now on. You made your choice."

He couldn't stop the shuddering in his chest or the heavy breathing that kept him from losing control of his emotions any more than he had already done.

"Do you even still love me? At all? Was I that easy to let go of?" he said.

She lowered her eyes, and a few tears sprang from her lids.

"You were the best thing to ever happen to me. Love is still here for you, but I can't take you back. You will only break my heart again. One day you'll see that I was right. You'll find someone else—"

"I don't want anyone else!"

His scream made her flinch. He covered his face with his hands.

"I just want you, Disa," he choked out with a lump in his throat.

Her protective walls came down, and she hugged him. Her softness drowned all of his pain.

"Oh, Erik… Erik…" she murmured in his ear.

"I miss you," he said.

"I know you do."

"Disa!"

Gary called her from inside the house. She pulled away from Erik, but he held onto her.

"Make him leave so we can talk," Erik said.

"I can't do that."

He kissed her, stole his chance to press his fleshy lips over her plump ones, and steal what was still his. Disa let him, and that passionate fire was still there between them. It ignited on the porch and he thrust his tongue in her mouth with the urgent desperation of a dying man seeking rescue. Her fingers dragged across the back of his neck and he thrust his midsection against her, jamming her against the corner of the doorway.

"What is this?!" Gary shouted.

Disa broke away from Erik, and Gary stood inside looking at their convoluted embrace.

"You don't want him here, then you're kissing him? The fuck is going on, Disa?"

Gary stomped past them and left the house. Disa cradled her forehead.

"I'm not sorry he left," Erik said.

Disa closed her eyes, then walked inside the house. Erik stood in the doorway, feeling every nerve in his body tingle with anticipation.

Was this his chance?