div id="chapters" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; color: #2a2a2a;" role="article"
div class="userstuff" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word;"
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"The sun was high in the sky, but it was pitch dark in his mind. Clothes on the floor, birds flying past his window - he saw none of it. He saw her brown eyes seeking his. He sees the pain on her face as she left the world. One would imagine the tear stained cheeks of the young sorcerer. Eyes red, cheeks flushed with pain and anguish. Hands clenched on his temples trying to will his head to stop hurting. But alas. There is none of that. He's blankly staring at the wall, sat on the floor with his back against his bed. No tears were left in him. He didn't have any left in him./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Gaius worried for the boy. He hadn't had to deal with this level of grief before with Merlin. While he tried to be there for Merlin by providing him space, offering nourishment. He was rewarded with silence. The first couple days Gaius could hear the muffled cries coming from Merlin's room. Lately? He can't remember the last time he heard from the boy./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Arthur knew something was up, but wasn't able to fully understand it. Gaius had been giving some rather painfully pathetic excuses as to why span style="font-style: oblique;"his/span servant wasn't doing span style="font-style: oblique;"his/span duties. After all, he had a job to do! Every morning he thinks, this is the day that he'll be back and things will go back to normal, but when his door opens, it's some stranger acting like a fly on the wall. Not that it bothered Arthur. After all, his clothes were always clean, boots always shiny, and he hadn't been late for a single knighting ceremony. So why did it feel like he should be worried?/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Finally, the outside mirrored what Merlin saw. Darkness covered the kingdom like a blanket. Softly protecting the people but slowly strangling Merlin. Is this what Freya was feeling? Was she scared? Merlin looked around his room, eyes having adjusted to the darkness to make out the shapes that surrounded him. He moved slightly and his body yelled out at him, having neglected his muscles and comfort. Merlin slowly moved to stand, but didn't have the energy. When was the last time he stood? Ate? Slept? His eyes burned as much as his heart./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"He was ready to leave this hateful world with Freya. Escape the kingdom that hated him, if they knew him. Escape the prince that would surely put his head on a spike if he knew who Merlin really was. Freya knew who he was. She was ok with it. They were supposed to escape. He could still escape. He could join her. There's a way that they can still be together and Merlin could escape this hunt-or-be-hunted environment. There was a sharp pain in Merlin's stomach at the thought. A sharp pain paired with butterflies. His heart raced with the idea of seeing Freya again with the weight of the world's worries off their shoulders. But his stomach churned at the thought of leaving Gaius… and for some reason Arthur came to mind and Merlin felt the pain now in his chest./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Merlin walked over to his desk and sat down. He could never be truly free. He picked up a pencil and twirled it in his fingers. What's the worst that could happen? Gaius wouldn't have the burden of taking care of Merlin. He'd lose his errand boy, that's all. And Arthur would be way better off. If Merlin were honest with himself, he needed them more than they needed him. All he does is add more burdens to Gaius' plate and hinder Arthur from his true potential. He knew the Kilgharra might disagree, but maybe this is what has to happen? In order for Arthur to realize his true paths, maybe Merlin has to go away./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Merlin stood up and started to pace as he contemplated his options. Fantasizing about how he would join Freya and start off their plans. Worried about what he would leave behind. With determination, Merlin went back to his desk and pulled out a piece of paper. He drew a line down the page, dividing it in half. On one side he listed all the things that made his heart race and his head stop hurting at the thought of leaving the world, and on the other the things that caused the pain in his chest and stomach. His heart raced looking at the lists. One was twice the size of the other. With that he brought out another piece of paper./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Writing a couple lines, Merlin's vision started to blur. Tears suddenly were filling his eyes, he didn't think he had many left. A few fell onto the page, but Merlin kept writing until he was satisfied. He then hurried around his room to pick up the mess he left behind. Gaius shouldn't have to deal with that. He made his bed, placed the paper on the pillow - wiped his face and smiled. The nerves that took over his body were starting to be replaced by adrenaline. Before he knew it he was walking down the halls, potions in his pocket. He wasn't processing his motions./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"By the time he was looking at the shining water, he had no idea how he got there. Or when he ended up laying in the grass with 3 empty bottles by his side. All he knew was that nothing hurt anymore. Not his memories. Not the secrets. In fact - he couldn't feel anything. And because of that, Merlin smiled. His vision started to blur without the aid of tears this time. He looked towards the water and he could see his future. Freya. He had reached out to him. "Freya…" he breathed out, 'I'm coming." Merlin couldn't feel anything, but he tried desperately to crawl to Freya, into the water. Then everything went black as he felt the weight of the world be lifted from his shoulders./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"The first thing Merlin felt was warmth, on his cheek. He blinked his eyes open and gazed upon burning brown. "Freya." Merlin mouthed with no sound. Freya's mouth didn't move but he could hear her voice. Loud, booming, Merlin could feel her words throughout his body./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""My Merlin," he heard. "You shouldn't be here. You have such a journey ahead."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""No," Merlin mouthed. "My journey is here, we had a plan. I can't do…" Merlin stopped, looking around he saw the gray outlines of the lake and trees. He did it, "I couldn't do it alone. I couldn't keep hiding. Most people have someone, you were the only thing that gave me hope."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"A sad smile crossed Freya's mouth. The voice returned as Freya embraced the young warlock. "Journeys aren't always easy, or happy. And yours will be treacherous." Merlin's brows scrunched in confusion. "But I will be here," the voice started to fade. span style="font-style: oblique;"No no no no…/span Merlin's mind was racing. "Always here, supporting you." The warmth was leaving. Merlin pulled back to look in the brown pools of Freya's eyes. "The real you. I see you Merlin." Merlin couldn't breathe. His world went from gray to blue. "You are not most people, Merlin." Merlin finally gasped for air but it wasn't air that invaded his lungs, but water. Choking and gasping and flailing towards the surface, Merlin fought his way towards the voice that was barely a whisper. "You have to hold on." Finally reaching the surface, Merlin released the loudest cry into the air. One couldn't have distinguished the tears from the water of the lake as he forced his weakened body to the shoreline./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"There he sobbed. He sobbed until he had nothing left in him to spill out. As the sun barely began to show, he slowly sat up, void of anything but sadness. He looked down and saw the offending bottles that betrayed him and pocketed them as he stood. He slowly started walking until something prevented him from going further. There was a weight on his shoulder and his stomach fluttered at the thought of confronting an enemy that might help him with what he failed. Then his stomach dropped as he gazed into familiar blue eyes./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""Merlin?" He span style="font-style: oblique;"knew/span something was going on! "I knew Gaius was covering for you, but I didn't know why. What's gotten into you?" Merlin was seeing Arthur's lips moving, but wasn't hearing anything. Pain was so much louder than everything else. "Why are you wet? Where are you going?" Someone behind Arthur coughed, and Arthur removed his hand from his servant's shoulder and stood back. Straightening his back, correcting his mind. "We will escort Merlin back to his quarters where he will immediately prepare for his duties that he has been neglecting." With that, Arthur turned on his heel and two men moved toward Merlin, interlocking their arms with his to assist in taking him home./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Arthur climbed onto his horse and avoided the eyes of his men and his father. He charged forward, first behind his servant. span style="font-style: oblique;"What is wrong with Merlin?/span It was Arthur's turn to have spinning thoughts. He was truly scared. He hadn't been scared for someone. Sure there have been battles, and of course he cared about the lives of his men… but this feeling was different. He didn't want to dwell on it, but watching the frail frame of his servant left the shadow of concern etched across his face. Looking over the frail frame he realized why his concern felt different. His men could fight, they could ultimately control the outcome and if the fell, they fell with honor. Merlin couldn't defend himself against a fly. He felt like somehow, this was his fault. And he wanted to prevent it from happening ever again./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Somehow, Merlin wouldn't ask questions, he found himself in the arms of Gaius. "I didn't realize you had left, my boy, what's happened?" Merlin didn't answer. He was still processing that he didn't get to leave. Gaius looked behind the men that practically carried Merlin to Gaius' place and found Arthur. His old eyes begged for an explanation that the young ones couldn't provide. Arthur turned on his heel and quickly walked away as he felt something stinging in his eyes and he couldn't show weakness in front of his men./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Gaius eventually released Merlin who proceeded to slowly stumble towards his room and closed the door. Laying on the bed he felt something against his head. Pulling at it, he found his note. Reading over the words - full of hope of a better outcome - he crumpled the paper and released the last of the tears he had been holding back. Gaius stood by the door, yearning to hold the young boy and protect him from the horrors of the world. Instead, he pressed his forehead against the door and listened to the no longer muffled cries of his boy. "What are you going through that you can't talk to me about, Merlin? I am here, please let me help you."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Merlin didn't hear. All he could hear were the words that Freya left him with. He searched for the warmth that she provided, but it wasn't there. It wasn't anywhere. Merlin was terrified he'd never feel that warmth again. Eventually he fell asleep. Arthur didn't stick to his word of forcing Merlin to go back to work that day. But he did the next. Merlin tucked the letter away. The world was gray for a long time after this occurred. Gaius tried for a while to find out what happened, but Merlin pretended he couldn't remember anything that happened. Just said the last thing he remembered was the battle and then waking up in his room. Arthur asked once, but Merlin's reaction was like when water hits hot oil. So he decided it best to not mention it again./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"It was all just a memory. And every once in a while, when Merlin is feeling the world crashing down, he pulls out the letter and the bottle. Admiring the clear bottle, the smooth cold feeling. He reads his words, feels the hope that he felt when he first wrote them. And eventually he feels better. He feels better because he knew that one day, it would be a reality. One day he will be freed of the pain and suffering he feels. Whether he took it into his own hands or not. He will make sure it happens. Arthur is always a bit wary of Merlin. Anytime he catches the dark eyes when Merlin thinks he can't see. Or the times that his playful taunts aren't returned. Every time he senses something else might be going on, he makes a mental note. He didn't know why he cared, but he didn't want to see that vacant, empty version of his goofy and carefree servant./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"If only they knew how fragile Merlin really was most of the time./p
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