Chapter 17: A Double Helping of Guilt with Anxiety on the Side
Fingertips slowly burning, I shook the parchment in my hand, losing pieces of the burnt article as the fire died out on its edges. I stared at the headline, and for the first time since this adventure began, I couldn't really feel anything. I just turned the paper over in my hand, and sighed.
Of course I wouldn't find it… I thought, dejected, Of course she'd get rid of it. She knew we were looking for it, and probably wanted to be sure it wasn't found again… I curled my hand into a fist, crushing the scrap in my palm, and turned around to see a pair of dark, almost black eyes glinting at me from behind the couch. I stopped, feeling the frown on my face drop slowly as I met the gaze.
"Willow…" She didn't look..right, to say the least. Her brown hair, once silky and smooth, was dulled and frayed at the ends. Her cheeks were noticeably thinned out, and her eyes seemed almost sunken in. She was wearing a baby pink sweater ー one in particular that, last I'd seen her wear it, clung to her soft curves and the sleeves were just a touch too tight to pull past her wrist. Now, it hung much more loosely off her frame, and she had the ends of the sleeves pulled low so she could grip them in her fists. A single tear ran down her cheek, and I was filled with guilt.
I didn't say anything else, even though I had so many things I wanted to tell her; there were so many things I needed to answer for, but it wouldn't have been enough. Nothing would ever have been enough. She straightened up, and I turned my head away as she left the common room behind, without so much as a sound. No one else in the room even seemed to notice anything was amiss.
Looking back down at the paper in my hand, I felt myself come to a decision. Without a second thought, I tossed it back into the fireplace and headed to the dorm.
Nearly an hour later, I was curled up on the couch again, with Frodo in my lap and my old notebook in hand again; Max and Tammy had decided to go on ahead to work, so I had taken a quick, hot shower and decided to try and piece together more of my memories while I let my curls air-dry by the fire. My boots sat on the ground in front of me, and my feet were tucked under me as best they could with a purring cat flopped on his belly across my thighs.
Ignoring the pricking of claws in my knee, I scratched occasionally behind his curled ears as I scribbled and scrawled more notes onto the unlined pages. What before had looked like a grocery list of events had evolved into something that belonged in one of Grunkle Ford's diaries in Gravity Falls; jots of information (now vaguely coded, to keep it safe) were interspersed with small doodles of creatures and timelines to help me better remember what was supposed to happen next.
It was a hot mess, but at least it made some sense.
Glancing between a chicken-scratch drawing of Harry talking to a snake and an equally smudged scribble of a petrified Justin Finch-Fletchy (who sat at one of the tables nearby, playing wizard's chess with Ernie Macmillan), I couldn't help but feel like I was missing something.
But what could it be? With a sigh, I closed the notebook again and held it close to me, leaning over to kiss the top of Frodo's head. He mrrped up at me, pupils thin slits, before standing up on my legs, stretching, and leaping off of my lap to the floor and heading back to the dorm. I followed behind him quietly, tucking my feet back into my boots before I shoved my notebook back into my extendable bag at the bottom of my trunk, and headed back out to visit Harry, pulling a knit, mint-colored cardigan on as I went.
The sky was even more overcast now than it had been earlier during the game, with what looked like the lightest hint of snow beginning to fall outside. I shivered, taking the stairs two at a time to try and get down to the hospital wing before Madame Pomfrey decided to send all Harry's visitors away.
"I at least wanna tell him he did a great job," I muttered to myself, breathing hot air onto my fingers before tucking them under my arms. As I turned the corner, however, I saw six of the seven Gryffindor team members, along with Ron, Hermione, and Colin Creevey, quickly being shuffled out the door by the matron witch, all loudly protesting their removal.
"Mr. Potter needs his rest!" Madame Pomfrey cried, silencing them all instantly, "He can't do that if he's surrounded on all sides by a gaggle of children who don't know how to keep themselves quiet!" Before any of them could argue against her point, however, she shut the door in their faces, leaving them to stand awkwardly in the hallway in silence.
"Well that could've gone better," Alicia huffed, taking Angelina and Katie with her as they headed back up the stairs at the end of the corridor. Ron just kind of huffed, kicking the stone walls as he grumbled.
"If your stupid boyfriend hadn't decided to butt in, Harry would be just fine," he muttered to Hermione, who fixed him with a stern frown.
"He was just trying to help, Ronald," she said, "He's a professor, remember, you should really treat him with more respeー"
"He's a git s'wot he is!" Ron argued back, looking down at the bushy-haired girl. Neither Fred, George, nor Oliver decided to intervene, the former two watching on with mischievous smiles plastered on their faces; Colin was taking pictures, as per usual. I rolled my eyes, stepping further into the space.
"Be that as it may, on both accounts," I said, calling their attention, "The real reason Harry's in there is because someone decided to jinx one of the bludgers to target him specifically."
"Bet anything it was Malfoy…" Ron hissed out, nostrils flaring.
"Greasy git though he is," George commented, "the little snake was on the pitch, same as Harry."
"And he's not half skilled enough to play and spell at the same time," Fred added as the two of them moved over to each drape an arm over my shoulders.
"At the very least, Harry kept his head," Oliver added in, somehow managing to embody Colin's enthusiasm with Percy's pompous tone, "it'd've been dreadful to have lost on top of everything else." From the corner of my eye I could see Hermione and Ron begin to bristle up, and could feel the twins tense up beside me. I stopped them before any of them could say or do anything that might make things worse.
"Oliver, hun," I drawled with a smile, drawing on every ounce of sickly-sweet southern blood in my veins. He looked over at me, startled, then blanched when my expression dropped to an icy glare, "Not. The time." I turned back to the others, "The point is that someone had to have jinxed the bludger to go after him. I mean, I'm no expert or anything, but I'm pretty sure they don't just target specific players outright."
"But who would try and target Harry Potter?" Colin asked, fiddling with the roll of film in his camera, "He's already defeated You-Know-Who, so who else could be after him?"
"Eh, it's probably not that serious, Creevey," George said, moving over to muss up the blond kid's short curls, "'S likely just one of the Slytherins being a git."
"Maybe Flint's gettin' back at Harry for Rose here knocking him to the ground after Ronnie started puking slugs," Fred laughed. Ron and Hermione looked over, shocked.
"You fought with Flint?" Ron asked, incredulous. I shrugged.
"He called me a bitchー"
"He called you a mudblood." Fred grumbled, glaring at the wall.
"Frankly, I was more upset about being called a bitch, and then I kicked him in the nuts. Nothing really important," I looked up at Fred beside me, "But if that were why Harry got hurt, why wouldn't the bludger have been targeting me? And besides, I don't think his team would agree with him if he did. Flint's the only one who got upset about it that I've seen ー even Cassius Warrington seemed to think it was funny."
"Whoa, wait a minute!" George said, and he and Fred turned to almost corner me in the middle of the corridor, "When did you talk to Warrington?"
"Whatever he said, we'll make sure he pays for it." I looked between the two, mildly shocked. The looks on their faces were almost furious, and they had seemingly come out of nowhere.
"What's got you two so upset?" I asked cautiously, carefully removing Fred's arm from my shoulders as he tensed up, "All he did was ask if I was the one who beat up Flint back in September."
"When?" Oliver added, looking on curiously as Colin held up his camera at myself and the twins. Ron and Hermione were thankfully not paying attention, heading off towards the tower to likely wait out the rest of the night.
"After the game," I said, "He was waiting at the bottom of the stands when Max, Tammy, and I came down."
"Did he say anything else?"
"Well, I mean, he called me 'sprite'," I admitted, shrugging, "but I think that has more to do with my hair than anything else…"
Can't exactly blame him, I thought, I've just about gone full anime protagonist, at this point… or maybe that old He-Man cartoon? She-Ra? I don't even know...
The twins shared a look, drawing me from my thoughts as I felt my suspicion grow; sure, they'd always been really friendly to me since I landed on their lawn ー hell, I considered them two of my best friends, despite their obvious acknowledgement of my secret-keeping ー but they had never been this mistrustful or vaguely protective before.
What brought this on, then?
"So what I'm hearing is either you've been keepin' more secrets than we've seen…"
"...Or we need to go give Warrington something else to deal with." I felt my eyes widen, and quickly reached up to flick them both in the forehead before they could start moving anywhere else.
"OH NO, YOU WON'T!" I shouted, glaring up at them with my fists planted firm on my hips, "I highly doubt you need to go do anything of the sort! I barely even spoke to the guy, and the only thing even remotely upsetting he said was that he admitted to laughing at your little brother when his spell backfired!" Fred's cheeks darkened and puffed out, but before he could argue, the door behind Colin burst open, Madame Pomfrey storming out of the hospital wing, a scowl etched deep into her face.
"None of you are supposed to still be here!" she exclaimed, causing the four of us look away guiltily, "You are disturbing my patients, who all need their rest! Now, all of you, head back to your dormitories before I am forced to take house points!" With that, she quickly turned on her heel and headed back inside. Oliver ducked his head, mumbling something about looking over strategies, before shuffling along back to the Grand Staircase, pushing a protesting Colin along with him as he moved. The twins and I waited another moment still, standing in awkward silence and the sky visibly darkened outside the nearby window.
"...When are you gonna tell us?" George asked finally, and I took a breath. You could cut the tension in the air with a knife.
"Unless the worst happens, when you're both 17..." I shrugged at them, a sad smile pulling at the corners of my mouth, "It's a big secret, only some of the adults know. But I promised your mom I'd wait, and I'm not crossing her unless I have to." The brothers looked at each other curiously, then turned back to me, each with an eyebrow raised.
"You don't seem as suspicious of our secrets," Fred stated. I laughed quietly, looking directly at him.
"Something tells me you both have your mischief managed." Both of their eyes nearly bulged out of their heads, and I felt myself wanting to laugh at their gaping mouths as they struggled to respond. I turned to face the end of the corridor again, still with the weight of my troubles on my shoulders, though they were considerably lighter than when I had arrived. I looked over my shoulder at them both and winked.
"If you show me the fastest route to the kitchens, I might be willing to explain a few small things."
We stayed in the kitchens well later than we meant to that night, only leaving when Mitzy — the head house elf — finally kicked us out around 11. The twins then walked me to the entrance to my common room before disappearing behind an armored statue and up a secret passage up to Gryffindor tower.
I wasn't able to explain much to them about my secrets — the last thing I needed was another Molly Weasley howler aimed at me instead of one of her kids — but I did tell them that I knew a few small details, mostly pertaining to Harry and the Marauders. They even took a moment to show me the map, pointing out some of the students and teachers still up and hanging around at that late hour. Even with everything else going on, however, I took some solace in knowing that Willow appeared to still be in the common room, pacing in the dorm — one less thing weighing on my mind, at least.
Later, however, as I prepared myself to head to yet another restless sleep, my thoughts began drifting back to my good friend's too-thin face and haunted eyes. It was my fault that diary had gotten to her — deep down, I knew I should have given to Dumbledore the instant I got it — and now it seemed the events of the book were doomed to follow through as I knew them, with even more victims this time around.
So why haven't I said anything?
I shook the thought from my head, holding my twin braids back to spit after brushing my teeth before walking back out into the quiet dorm room. I stared straight at my bed as I moved closer to my bed, tucking the covers under my feet as I climbed into bed. Frodo stood beside my pillow, eyes squinted and tail only flicking occasionally. I closed the curtains tight around us, until no sound was heard but our breathing.
"I'm sure Dumbledore has figured out by now everything that I could tell him, anyway…" I reasoned to myself, looking over at my oddly calm cat, "I mean, it's not like the man's an idiot. Plus, he knows I know things that could help. If he wanted my input, he'd just ask, right?" Frodo didn't respond, only blinking slowly at me; it felt like he was judging me.
"It's not that I don't trust Dumbledore," I hurried to say, though now I wasn't sure who I was talking to, "He's an adult, I'm sure he knows what's going on and is… just waiting for the right moment! Yes, that's gotta be it!" The furry hobbit-cat's expression didn't change, and I wondered if maybe he just fell asleep sitting like that.
"If he needs my knowledge of the situation, he'll ask me," I said now, pulling the covers up to my chin decisively, "Until then, I'll… do what I can to help save Willow. Everything will be fine. Dumbledore's got this… I've got this…" I continued to mumble those last few words until Frodo's paw pushed on my forehead and I fell silent, drifting into another uneasy sleep.
And if I dreamt that night of bespectacled green eyes glaring into death's face as Snape's voice echoed word of slaughtered pigs in the distance, I wouldn't admit it in the morning.
"Did you hear?" I blinked up, bleary-eyed, at Tammy as she stood over me. It must have still been early, as the sky outside the high windows was still a deep blue-gray.
"What time is it?" I asked.
"About 6:30." I blinked once, not speaking. Then I yanked the curtains out of her grasp and pulled them shut again, turning over quickly and burying my head under the blankets once more. Silence.
"This is important, Rosie!" she opened my curtains again, bringing the sound back with her. I groaned, holding my pillow over my head to try and block her out. "How late did you go to bed that you're too tired to listen right now?"
"Late enough," I mumbled, though I doubted that she heard my through the pillow over my face. Removing it, I rubbed the sleep from my eyes as I took a better look at her. Her hair was still wrapped up tight in her floral silk sleep scarf, but she had apparently changed out of her pajamas already. Looking past her to Max's bed as well, I could see she was also in the process of getting ready for the day. "Why're ya'll up so early, anyway?"
"Ask Macavoy," Max huffed, pulling her — still messy — hair back into a halfway-decent ponytail, "She's the one who decided to pull a Wood and try to get us the pitch as early as possible today."
Well that hardly sounds important… I thought to myself, but allowed Tammy to pull my up to a sitting position, stretching my arms behind me as she moved back over to her bed.
"And that's important enough for Tammy to shake me awake because…?"
"Because McGonagall stopped her before she even made it past the Great Hall," Tammy replied, unwrapping the scarf from her head, "She sent her back to the common room without hardly a word. That was about twenty minutes ago."
"We think somethin' might've happened," Max said. I frowned, my guts twisting into a knot. I tried to think back on my notes, on what might've happened and who might have been petrified next, but was coming up blank; Justin didn't get attacked until after the dueling club, right? It all seemed a bit too early for another attack, unless I was missing something...
"...What kind of something?" I asked finally. They both shook their heads.
"We're not sure yet," Tammy said, "But with what happened on Halloween, those of us that are up haven't been very optimistic about it."
"So we figured, might as well get up and get ready, and by the time breakfast starts, we'll either have an answer or at least be able to go practice before someone else nabs the pitch again," Max leaned back against her bedpost, shrugging as she pulled on some gloves, "Grab a thick sweater, it's bloody freezing outside." Choosing not to argue, I turned to push myself out of bed, reaching over to scratch Frodo behind the ears — he had moved from my pillow to his basket at some point, but whether it was before I woke up or after, I wouldn't know.
One steaming shower later, I was searching through my belongings for something warm to wear. I didn't have much, aside from one thick pair of black leggings (thankfully made for much colder weather than I was used to), some boot socks, and a few oversized sweaters, though those probably weren't as warm as I would like in this climate.
"I'm gonna need to get some warmer clothes, soon," I mumbled, pulling a black turtleneck on and tucking it into some jeans I wore over the leggings, and pulling a much larger green sweater over it. Tucking my sock-covered feet into some snow-safe boots just in case, I grabbed a hat and some hairbands, beginning to braid my hair back into twin French braids as I walked to sit in front of the fire in the common room with the others.
Not many others were up yet, aside from a few prefects and the rest of the team. The light coming in from the high windows was only just beginning to turn a soft orange-pink color, though that did little to fight off the chill that ran down my spine when I felt the air around me.
Yup, definitely need some warmer clothes. I made a mental note to look at the shops next time I went to Hogsmeade, and maybe write to Mrs. Weasley, as well, in case she had any hand-me-downs she'd be willing to lend me.
I hurried over to the couch, squeezing myself between Cedric and Tammy as I finally began feeling the warmth from the fire hit me. Since I joined the team, I had started really started talking and hanging out with Cedric a lot more; I constantly had to push the thought of his body, pale and unmoving on the graveyard soil, out of my mind, but it was worth it to spend time with someone who radiated so much positivity. Cedric, ever the gentleman, passed me one of the blankets thrown over the back, helping me wrap it around my shoulders. I nodded back to him, smiling.
"Any news on whether or not we have the pitch?" Anthony asked as Heidi paced passed him for what would seem like the thousandth time. She shushed him, continuing to walk a rut into the rug.
"We'll know when Professor Sprout returns and tells us," one of the prefects replied as he directed his chess pieces to move against the player opposite him; I recognized his face from the sorting — I think his name was Divekar — but I hadn't really seen much of him outside of that.
"How long d'ya think that might take?" Max asked from her place on the floor; she was plucking stray threads off the rug and balling them up, trying to toss them into the fireplace.
"Hopefully soon," Divekar's opponent sniffed, thin eyes watching in disdain as her knight was promptly sliced in two by Divekar's bishop. In all these months now, I had never seen her around before. Her sleek black hair was pulled back into a low ponytail, with a blue braided headband placed neatly behind her straight bands; the neatness of it reminded me of Violet, in a way, hiding her own wild side behind heat-straightened blonde locks and neat, preppy styles.
"Play nice, Abagail," Heidi chided, not stopping her pacing, "We'll be out of your hair soon enough." Not more than a moment later, Professor Sprout landed on her feet beneath the tunnel, adjusting her hat as she made her way to our little crowd.
"Alright, then," she said, and she looked up to us with a less-than-believable smile, "the Headmaster says it's all clear now for students to head to breakfast."
"What about the pitch, Professor?" Heidi asked, perking up, "Can we head down and ask Madame Hooch now?" The stout witch shook her head.
"I'm afraid Professor Snape may have beaten us to the punch today, dear," she said, "He went down himself yesterday with Mr. Flint to secure it for Slytherin's team." A chorus of groans rang out at her words.
"So I got up before noon for nothing?" Anthony whined, causing Jason Stebbins, our third chaser, to smack him upside the head. Professor Sprout just chuckled, smiling a bit less forcefully than before.
"I'm afraid so, Mr. Rickett," she said, and turned back towards the tunnel, "Well, if any of you lot are still ready to start the day, I'll gladly walk you up to the Great Hall to get breakfast started."
"Can I take the blanket with me?" I asked, leaning my head back over the couch to look at our Head of House, "It's cold." She turned to look at me, and though the image was upside-down from my perspective, I could more clearly see, now, the worry hidden in her eyes.
"So long as it is returned to its proper place, I see no harm," she said, still smiling to hide the concern in her expression. As I got up, I tried not to show my frown — whatever had happened must have been serious, if they were trying not to alert us to it — and made my way over to the tunnel behind Professor Sprout, with Tammy, Cedric, and Heidi close behind; Max and the others, it seemed, were content to simply either return to their beds or collapse onto the couch and armchairs and rest there, instead.
We followed up the tunnel and out into the corridor of the Hogwarts basement, passing by the fruit painting that disguised the entrance to the kitchens without so much as a word. As we began climbing up the stairs, I could see the sun, big reddish-looking, just starting to peak out over the horizon; I stopped for a moment, just staring at the sight.
We didn't get sunrises like this back home… Home. It had been so long since I thought of it, now. Sure I'd think about little things from time to time — avoiding making references to things that didn't exist yet, comparing people to what I knew of my life before, and of course desperately missing all the music I used to listen to — but never something so simple, so quiet as this. A sunrise, over hills and trees, reflecting off a huge lake and seen from the window of a castle, not another building in sight to block the view.
I didn't know how to feel about it.
I turned away from the window and ran to catch up with the others, falling into step beside Tammy once more. I could think more on a potential existential crisis later; for now, I needed to focus on the task at hand.
We made it to the Great Hall without any talking — which would have been considered a major accomplishment, had it been any ordinary day. Only a few other students were up and about, including the uninjured members of the Gryffindor quidditch team, and a handful of Ravenclaws. Professor McGonagall and Professor Flitwick were monitoring from the table at the head of the room, quietly talking amongst themselves while their students ate in peace.
"C'mon," I said as I caught Fred's eye, and I grabbed Tammy and Cedric by the arms and pulled them over to sit at their table, Heidi not far behind.
"Did you hear what happened?" George asked as soon as we sat down. I felt my face scrunch up in confusion; did they manage to find out what happened?
"Professor Sprout wouldn't tell us anything," Heidi said, pouting as she continued, "and she wouldn't let me go down to nab the pitch for this morning."
"Only reason Slytherin's getting it is because Snape handled it for them," Angelina mentioned through a bite of toast, "Even Flitwick wasn't able to get it, especially with the attack." Her words came like a slap to the face, an icy pit forming in my gut.
"...What do mean, attack?" I asked, trying and failing to keep my voice from shaking, and I could feel Tammy stiffen slightly to the side of me; even Cedric, who had been busy making goo-goo eyes at Cho from across the room, turned his attention to the conversation at hand. The red-clad group shared a look, before Alicia leaned over the table to whisper to us.
"For once, Wood didn't wake us up for practice," she said, glancing up at the teacher's table, "We were going to go visit Potter in the hospital wing, when McGonagall stopped us and asked who all went to see him last night."
"Which was the whole team, of course," Fred added, stuffing a bite of bacon in his mouth.
"Not to mention Ron and Hermione," George said, looking over at me, "And…"
"Me and Colin," I replied, feeling as if all of the air left my lungs; I had forgotten Colin. Fred nodded, swallowing his food.
"We think he tried to sneak out to get a photo of Harry just as his arm finished healing," he continued, though it was hard to hear him over the pounding in my ears. My palms started to sweat, and my breath was coming in shorter bursts.
Colin, how'd I forget Colin? First kid to get petrified, saw the Basilisk through his camera! I could've stopped him! He was right there, and I let him get hurt! I— Hands squeezed at my shoulders, forcing me to look up at the people around me. When did I close my eyes?
"Breathe, McIntosh," Heidi chided, a worried frown on her face, "I'm sure the professors have it under control."
"Yeah," Tammy added, rubbing my back a bit to calm me down, "If they didn't, I'm sure they would've told us by now." I looked over to her, then to Cedric, still gripping my left shoulder, and then back to Fred, George, and their teammates. The only evidence of worry or fear on their faces, it seemed, was directed at me.
Why are they all staring like that? I wondered. A foot nudged at my ankle, and I shifted to see Fred looking me in the eyes, concern hidden behind his usual grin.
"What's the matter, Rose?" he asked, "Never had this much fun at your old school?" I sat there, silent, then burst out in slightly hysterical laughter.
"Doesn't anyone at this school ever have to deal with normal problems?!" I asked, ignoring the tears pricking behind my eyes; I didn't think my friends would believe me if I had said they were from laughing.
"Didn't anyone at Ilvermorny ever learn to live a little every once in a while?" Fred replied, only causing me to laugh more. Eventually, we all calmed down enough to actually begin eating the food appearing around us, just as more students began to file in from their respective common rooms. We joked and laughed, eventually leaving just myself and the twins as the others went on to start the day, but even though I was acting much more cheerful, no amount of jokes or laughter would ease the guilt I felt. Colin had been petrified, and the only one who knew anything to stop these attacks was me. Fear clutched onto my heart as I thought about what I needed to do next. My thoughts from the previous night echoed in my mind, doing little to ease my worries but comforting me all the same.
If he needs my knowledge of the situation, he'll ask me… After so many months now at Hogwarts, it seemed the time had finally come for me to talk to Dumbledore.
And I wasn't looking forward to it at all.
A/N: Hey everyone! Been working on this chapter for a while, finally done! Gonna get started on the next one soon! Happy Indigenous Peoples' Day!
