Ever since the appointment at the hospital, Hiei had stopped bothering to hide his symptoms from Kurama, and he had no problem spreading his misery throughout the entire house. He supposed this had to get worse before it got better, but his eighth week of pregnancy was the worst he'd felt so far. He was throwing up not just in the morning now; it could happen at any time of day. And his gastrointestinal issues were worse than ever. But the most disturbing part of all was his moods.
Hiei knew he was supposed to get mood swings during pregnancy, but this was just ridiculous. Things that wouldn't have even made him blink before now filled him with emotions. And he would sometimes just burst out crying over the most trivial things, or even in response to nothing at all. Somehow, the tears just flooded out, and they were impossible to stop, no matter how hard he fought against them.
Several days after the doctor's appointment, Kurama had found Hiei in the kitchen, weeping bitterly because he had accidentally broken a dinner plate. Hiei still remembered the tender way Kurama had wrapped him up in his arms while the pregnant demon sobbed, trying and failing to understand why a broken dinner plate was suddenly so upsetting to him.
But it wasn't always tears. Sometimes Hiei just felt angry. Angry at Kurama for knocking him up, angry at himself for initiating sex, angry at his baby for giving him all these symptoms, anger at all the billions of other things that suddenly got under his skin, anger because he was feeling so angry. Unfortunately, Kurama was always in his line of fire.
On Tuesday evening, Hiei was sitting on the couch watching that stupid sitcom, Love and Lust, which pissed him off, but he couldn't seem to stop himself from watching it anyway. Kurama walked into the room, carrying a tea tray.
"Mind if I join you?" he asked gently.
"Yes," Hiei snapped. "Now shut up, we're just about to find out who Christine's biological father is."
Kurama didn't say anything and just took a sip of the tea. Hiei didn't care if he was being hurtful; in fact, spreading his bad mood around was sort of gratifying, in a weird kind of way. He felt just as sick as ever, the ninshinsu was cramping, he was exhausted, and he had an awful headache. All he wanted to do was just spread that pain around, for whatever reason.
Hiei managed to wait until a commercial to take a pee break again, but walking around made him feel a little dizzy, and even more tired. He flopped back on the couch with a groan.
"I think you need more fluids, honey," said Kurama, handing out a teacup to Hiei. "This will help with the cramps, too. I made it special."
Glaring at his husband, Hiei took a sip of the tea, only to spit it out in disgust. Kurama hadn't put in the usual sugary mixture due to Hiei's sweets aversion, and in its absence, the tea tasted horribly plain. Hiei got to his feet and threw the steaming-hot contents of his teacup onto Kurama, and when the fox-demon yelped in pain, Hiei didn't feel sorry for even a minute.
"GOOD!" he shouted. "Let's see how YOU like being in pain!"
"Hiei—"
"I said shut up!" Hiei interrupted, turning to leave the room. "Oh, and by the way, your tea tastes like dishwater!"
With that, Hiei ran all the way out of the house and up into the Tree of Life, where he somehow found solace despite it being representative of all his current problems. By the time he was up so high in the tree's strong branches, his anger had all but evaporated. He felt beyond guilty for what he had said, and especially for what he had done.
Hiei didn't understand how Kurama could even bear to be around him, much less give him hugs and kisses. His moods were just as unpleasant as all his other pregnancy side effects, maybe even worse. Before, it had felt sickeningly good to hurt others when he was feeling so lousy himself. But now he was filled to the brim with remorse.
…
Kurama had never pitied someone as much as he pitied Hiei now.
That wasn't good, because he knew Hiei wouldn't want anyone's pity, least of all Kurama's. But Kurama just felt so bad for him. He didn't take Hiei's attacks personally, since he knew his newly pregnant husband couldn't help it. Even before the pregnancy, there had always been that little voice in Kurama's head, ever since he'd known Hiei: He's doing the best he can.
Objectively, Kurama knew Hiei probably wanted to be left alone. But he just couldn't bring himself to do that. Hiei needed him now more than ever.
It wasn't difficult to locate Hiei. By now, he smelled like a pregnant youkai, maybe not to everyone, but definitely to Kurama's impressive nose. It was surprising, though, that he was up in the Tree of Life. Hiei loved trees and nature (one of the things Kurama liked most about him), but it seemed like this tree was one he would try to avoid. Still, Kurama climbed up into the tree until he found Hiei near the top, tucked deeply into the branches, his knees drawn up against his chest.
Hiei looked up at Kurama in surprise, his eyes wet, and Kurama felt his heart break. Pregnancy should have been a happy time for them, but all it was doing was making Hiei miserable.
"Are you all right, Hiei?" Kurama asked.
"Leave me alone," Hiei muttered, burying his head in his knees again.
"Please, honey, we really need to talk," said Kurama, setting one hand on his shoulder, but Hiei shook it off.
"No, we don't."
"I'm sorry about the tea," Kurama said finally. If there was anything that might make Hiei feel better, it was something concrete that could be fixed. "We can work on something that can make it taste less like dishwater."
"It didn't really taste like dishwater," said Hiei. "I…I don't know why I said that."
"Perhaps it's because sometimes when people aren't feeling very good, they say some things they don't mean," Kurama suggested. "I've felt that way before."
"You…you have?"
"At some point, I think everyone has." Kurama smiled gently. "You know, my mom often says that sometimes we find ourselves in situations we don't like, but it can help to tell someone else how we feel."
Kurama got nothing but a suspicious look.
"You can do that here, Hiei," he continued. "It doesn't have to be long or happy or anything. I just want to know how you feel."
"I wish I could say I didn't mean to hurt you," Hiei said finally. "But I did. I felt like shit, and I was trying to deal with it by spreading it around, I guess. And that just makes me feel even worse. Everything's all messed up. I wish this would just go away, and we could go back to the way we used to be. And…and most of all…I wish I hadn't thrown that tea on you or said any of what I said."
Kurama was so proud of Hiei for sharing his feelings, because he knew how difficult that was for him to do. For most of his life, Hiei had only been able to express himself through fighting, and Kurama was trying to help him learn to use his words instead. Any time Hiei was honest and confronted his feelings instead of trying to run away from them, that was enormous progress. It was all Kurama could do not to tear up himself as he gave Hiei a gentle hug, right there in the treetops.
"It's really okay, Hiei," he said. "Having never experienced pregnancy myself, I may not be able to fully understand what you're going through. But I know it's rough. And I want you to know, you can always lean on me. Even if you just want to yell at someone…well, you're pregnant. You're allowed to be unreasonable sometimes."
"Kurama, you may be okay with getting hurt." Hiei swallowed. "But I…I'm not okay with being the one who hurts you."
With that, his face crumpled, and he fell back into silent tears. Kurama held him close, rubbing his back, giving him small kisses, just doing everything he could to let Hiei know that it was okay to cry sometimes, and that he would forever be loved.
"Tell you what," said Kurama softly, once Hiei had calmed down a bit. "We can go back to the kitchen and try to find a way to make my tea taste better than it ever has. It will be good to try something new."
"Sure." Hiei sniffed. "Thanks, Kurama."
…
Ever since fourteen-year-old Kurama had taken Hiei to a Halloween costume party and Hiei won a delicious bucket of ningen sweets just by taking on his full demon form, Hiei had absolutely loved Halloween, both the candy and the costumes. The idea of dressing up as something scary or funny each year, going to parties, and getting free candy was a ningen practice he could actually get behind. He often said that food was the only thing Ningenkai did better than Makai, and that was no small compliment coming from him.
After a couple of years, Halloween became a sort of bonding experience for Hiei and Kurama. It was their best holiday, even more so than White Day, which was the holiday for men to give gifts to their partners. Valentine's Day in Japan was the day for women to give gifts, but since there was no woman in their relationship, Hiei and Kurama skipped that holiday entirely.
This year would have been their sixth Halloween together, but instead of stuffing himself with delicious Halloween candy and deciding on a costume, Hiei was barely eating anything, least of all sweets, and the only "costume" he planned to wear today was his pajamas.
Around noon, Hiei finally got out of bed and padded down to the kitchen, where he grabbed a box of saltines and a glass of water, hoping to settle his stomach a bit. Then he turned on the TV, where they were showing Love and Lust again. In this episode, Chad, the main female's current boyfriend, got hit on the head and couldn't remember who or where he was.
"Kiss me, Christine!" he said. "Kiss me to help me snap out of my amnesia!"
"You can do so much better than him," said Hiei, shaking his head as he continued to dig into the box of saltines.
Hiei was watching an annoying commercial for car insurance when he heard the key click in the lock. Since his husband wasn't due home for another six hours, Hiei was confused, but sure enough, Kurama was right there in the doorway.
"Happy Halloween, Hiei," he said. "Feeling any better today?"
"Why are you home so early?" Hiei demanded, glad the show was on a commercial. He felt a little silly for watching so much daytime television, and he would prefer Kurama not see it.
"Well, since it's Halloween, I just figured I'd come home and look after you for a bit," said Kurama with a shrug.
"I don't need to be looked after."
"Be that as it may, I missed you terribly." Kurama smiled and sat down next to Hiei. "What are you watching?"
"Nothing," said Hiei, turning the TV off. "Usually, I have the energy to work out or do something fun, but when I'm sick like this, there's not much to do around here."
"Are you up for any lunch?" Kurama asked. "I was thinking of making some food for myself, and I could make something for you that's easy on your stomach."
"Well…okay, I'll have some lunch," said Hiei. "I've had enough saltines, though."
"I think I know just what you need." Kurama headed into the kitchen, taking the box of saltines in with him. It wasn't long before he was back in the room, though, and this time he had a plate of food with him. "I brought you some bread and ginger ale. Ginger will help with your sickness, and I thought the bread might cheer you up a bit."
"Cheer me up?" Hiei turned around to look. What could be cheerful about bread, except that it was one of the few foods he could stomach? But then he saw that Kurama had cut the slices into little Halloween-themed shapes—pumpkins, bats, ghosts—and arranged them all on the plate like cookies. There was also a little bottle of ginger ale, with a cup to pour it into. But most importantly, Kurama had placed orange and black roses on the plate, and they smelled divine.
"I figured you might not be up to Halloween this year, so I thought I'd bring a little Halloween to you," Kurama explained. "And I know how much you like the smell of flowers during pregnancy."
In response to this kind gesture, Hiei felt hot tears welling up in his eyes. Not again!
"You…you remembered," Hiei said quietly, the tears escaping and falling to the ground with a soft clacking sound. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." Kurama set the plate on the coffee table and sat next to Hiei again, snuggling him. "I know it's difficult, but this pregnancy will be a lot easier on you if you try to accept that not everything can be the same as it was before. When there's a baby involved, you must allow for changes in your life, even if in our case, they are only temporary."
"Because we're putting it up for adoption?" Hiei guessed.
"Yes," said Kurama. Hiei could see the pain in his green eyes. "I know you're doing what you feel is best for our baby, Hiei, and like I said, that's the best thing a parent ever could do."
Hiei couldn't help but notice the words Kurama used—not what was best for the baby, but for what Hiei felt was best for the baby, making it clear that Kurama thought the best thing to do for the baby was to keep it. And he called it "our baby," even though your baby or the baby would be more accurate. Kurama seemed to be having trouble letting go, however much he tried to hide it. Hiei felt kind of bad for him, but what else could he do?
"Anyway…" Kurama stood up and kind of forced his face into a smile again. "On a different topic, I did plan something for Halloween, but only if you're feeling up to it."
"What is it?"
"Well, we're not going to any parties this year, so I was thinking we could just have a little sort of get-together here instead," Kurama answered. "We could have all our friends over and just drink tea and chat and show off our costumes. You don't look pregnant yet, and nobody has to know unless you tell them."
"Shizuru knows," Hiei pointed out.
"She promised she wouldn't tell anyone," said Kurama truthfully. "So, how about it?"
Hiei was about to say No way, but then he realized maybe a distraction would be good, so he said, "Fine, as long as there are no sweets involved."
"Whatever you want, Hiei." This time Kurama's smile seemed genuine. "I got you a costume, too."
"You did?" said Hiei curiously. "What is it?"
"Let me show you," Kurama replied, going to the hall closet and taking out a plastic shopping bag. Inside was a white hoodie with black stripes and a matching pair of pants that looked shredded at the ends. When Kurama turned the hoodie around, Hiei could see that there was a set of numbers on the back. "See? It's a prisoner costume. Come try it on."
"If you say so." Hiei reluctantly got off the couch and took off his pajama top, then slipped the hoodie over his head. It was comfortable, he had to admit. There was some kind of fuzzy lining on the inside, and it was loose, so Hiei didn't have to feel self-conscious about his new physique.
"And look," Kurama continued, pulling the hoodie up over Hiei's head. Looking into the mirror in the foyer, the pregnant demon could see that there were two black cat ears sewn on the hood. "Isn't that cute, Hiei? What do you think?"
"I think you have lost your mind," said Hiei, taking the hood off his head. "I'll wear the costume, because the hoodie is super comfortable, but I won't wear the hood."
"That's fine," said Kurama.
"What are you going as?" Hiei asked, changing from his pajama pants to the prisoner pants. "Not a rosebush again, I hope."
"Even better," Kurama replied. "I'm your sexy parole officer."
"You really need to see a professional," Hiei muttered as he pulled his pants up. He didn't look pregnant with the loose hoodie and pants on, which was exactly what he wanted. Even though Kurama said no one would know he was pregnant yet unless he told them, he was still paranoid that someone would figure it out. And ever since he learned that ningen males weren't capable of pregnancy, he had felt that much more awkward.
…
Kurama invited the whole gang, as promised, and everyone said they could come. On the phone, he explained that Hiei was still feeling poorly, and that there was to be no food or drink at the party except things like tea, crackers, and bread. Everyone seemed okay with that, because the real fun was in being with each other—and the costumes, of course.
Hiei got a shower and came downstairs wearing his prisoner outfit, but he didn't exactly seem to be in the Halloween spirit. Kurama hoped that would change once their guests started arriving, but the situation didn't look hopeful.
The first person to arrive was Shizuru. Since she was the only one who knew the truth about Hiei's "illness," Kurama figured she had shown up early to see how he was doing. It was nice of her to help set up the decorations, too.
"Looks like morning sickness is a bitch," she said in an undertone, glancing at Hiei. The pregnant demon was lying on the couch, moaning, his hands on his abdomen.
"You don't know the half of it." Kurama sighed. "They say the second trimester is a bit easier. I hope so."
"I do like your Halloween costume, though," said Shizuru. "That plant's supposed to be handcuffs, huh?"
"Precisely." Kurama gestured to the Makaian plant attached to his belt, in the place where a parole officer's handcuffs would normally be. "I like yours, too."
"Thanks," said Shizuru, who was dressed as a Goth, from the clothing to the makeup.
The next person to arrive was Botan, and Shizuru greeted her with a warm hug. Right now, the two of them were dating, but they didn't live together yet, which was why they had arrived at the get-together separately. Since she had been the one to suggest giving Hiei sweets before his first prenatal appointment, Kurama figured Koenma had told her Hiei was ill. But she didn't know what was causing it, so she seemed far more concerned than her girlfriend.
"How did the doctor's appointment go last week, Hiei?" she asked. "Are you feeling any better?"
"Oh, yes, I'm doing wonderfully now," said Hiei sarcastically, glaring up at her. "What are you supposed to be?"
"Why, I'm the Grim Reaper, of course!" she replied cheerily. Kurama couldn't help but smile at her costume. She had gone for irony; being the Grim Reaper, she had decided to dress up as what everyone expected her to look like. Her costume consisted of a long, tattered black robe with a hood, a plastic scythe, and a spooky skull mask, which she lifted up to speak.
Yukina and Kuwabara, who had been married since the previous March and were living in an apartment together nearby, were the next to arrive at Hiei and Kurama's house.
"Kurama said on the phone that you were ill, brother," Yukina said sympathetically when she noticed Hiei on the couch. She was dressed as a nurse, with Kuwabara as her patient, although thankfully he had elected to wear pants with his hospital gown. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Thanks, but no," Hiei told her. "I just have to wait for this to run its course."
"Poor Hiei," she said, giving him a kiss on the forehead. "I do hope you feel better soon. You look miserable."
"Not half as miserable as I feel," he replied. Yukina frowned and fluffed his pillow for him, which Kurama thought was sweet.
The last guests to arrive were Yusuke and Keiko, who had been married for over a year now and were also living together. Keiko was dressed as a French maid, and Yusuke was a vampire.
"How are you feeling, Hiei?" asked Keiko, rushing to the couch.
"Isn't it obvious?!" Hiei snapped. "Why does everyone keep asking me that? Do I look okay to you?!"
"We're worried about you!" Botan tried to tell him.
"Well, don't be!" Hiei shot back. "This party was a dumbass idea!"
And suddenly, Hiei's rage had disappeared yet again, and he dissolved into tears. Shizuru didn't seem to be surprised, but everyone else was staring at Hiei in shock. Before this, Kurama was the only one who had ever seen Hiei cry. In fact, the rest of them probably all thought he wasn't even capable of it.
"Dude, are you crying?" said Kuwabara, as the women scrambled to apologize in high-pitched, tremulous voices, and Hiei tried to fight them off. He looked positively humiliated; in fact, his embarrassment over crying seemed to be the main reason he couldn't stop.
"Poor Hiei!" Yukina repeated, pushing past everyone else and squeezing her twin brother, pouring as much sisterly love into him as she could. "We're sorry!"
"Yeah, for…for whatever we did," Yusuke added, his eyes as round as dinner plates.
"Do you want us to go home, Hiei?" asked Keiko, elbowing Yusuke in the ribs.
"No," Hiei muttered, wiping his eyes. "Sorry about that."
"Don't be sorry," said Yukina. "I had no idea you were feeling so poorly. I mean, Kurama did say you were ill, but I thought he meant you had food poisoning or something."
"It's nothing life-threatening," Hiei promised, trying to smile at her. "I have to use the bathroom."
"We'll be here when you get back," said Yukina, as Kurama ran over to help him up. When he left, everyone was still staring.
"Do you have any idea what's the matter with him?" Yukina asked.
"None at all." Kurama hated lying to Yukina like this, but Hiei didn't want anyone to know about the pregnancy yet, not even his sister. "But like he said, it's nothing life-threatening."
"Well, you're awfully calm about it," she said. "I'm very worried. After all…can you really be sure it's 'nothing life-threatening'? If something is seriously wrong with Hiei, I think I ought to know. He's my only flesh and blood."
Not quite, Kurama thought, remembering that the baby would be her niece or nephew, but he held his tongue. They couldn't say anything more after that, though, because that was when Hiei came out of the bathroom, and they decided to start the costume party with as much normality as they could muster. The afternoon seemed to be going all right when Hiei was present, but he had to use the bathroom every half an hour or so, and every time he did, Kurama's friends started to badger him about what might be wrong.
"You know, if he has to pee all the time, it could be a sign of something much more serious," said Keiko. "Like diabetes, for example, or kidney problems. Maybe even cancer. Did he tell you if it burns or not?"
"I think that's a little personal, Keiko," said Kurama.
"Well, you had better get him checked out by a doctor, or he could end up in dialysis every week for the rest of life," she warned. "Or he might even die."
"You make everything out to be so awful, Keiko," said Yusuke. "Maybe he's just drinking a lot of water. Besides, do demons even have dialysis?"
"I assure you, Hiei does not need his kidneys drained," Kurama said, but no one else seemed to hear.
"What else is wrong?" Yukina asked. "I mean, does he have any other symptoms? Sore throat, cough, fever, runny nose…?"
"No, none of that," Kurama reassured her. "We ruled out a cold a long time ago."
"I do know he's been vomiting, though," Botan told everyone. "I told Koenma to give him some candy, and he said Hiei just threw up instead of eating them, even though he loves sweets."
"Okay, everyone, I'm back," Hiei announced, collapsing onto the couch as soon as he got back into the living room.
"Fatigue, too, I see," Yukina observed.
"Should we go?" Keiko asked again. Except for Shizuru, everyone looked worried about Hiei now, even Kuwabara.
"Perhaps." Kurama nodded. "It was nice having you all over, though. Happy Halloween."
Once everyone was finally gone, Kurama sat down on the floor next to the coffee table, rubbing Hiei's knee in a comforting way.
"I'm sorry I ruined Halloween," Hiei mumbled.
"It's okay, love," Kurama soothed. "As long as I get to spend Halloween with you, it's not ruined."
"You can't possibly mean that."
"I do, Hiei."
"Leave me alone, Kurama," said Hiei, and this time Kurama listened. After giving Hiei a quick kiss on the head, he went into the kitchen to do the dishes from lunch. Once they were changed out of their Halloween costumes, Hiei went to take a nap upstairs, while Kurama sat down on the living room couch to read the Makai Tribune. He couldn't concentrate at all, though, which was why he was glad to hear a quiet knock at the door.
"Hello, Yukina," said Kurama when he opened the door. "How may I help you?"
"Well, actually, Kurama…" Yukina looked a little nervous. She had changed out of her costume, too, and was now wearing a blue sweater with dark-wash jeans and sneakers. "I think I might be able to help you. I realized what might be wrong with Hiei."
Uh-oh, thought Kurama. They went to sit down on the couch.
"I know this might sound a bit crazy," Yukina began, "and I certainly don't mean to interfere with your personal business. But, well…have you ever thought that Hiei might be pregnant?"
Kurama sighed.
"Yes, Yukina," he told her, resigned to finally telling the truth. "That's what he is. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, and I'm sorry to have made you so worried, but we wanted to keep it between us until later on in the pregnancy."
"Oh, don't worry about that!" said Yukina, her face alight with joy. "Congratulations! When is he due?"
"June 14," said Kurama. "But listen—"
"This is wonderful!" Yukina squealed, hugging Kurama tight. "My own niece or nephew! I promise I'll be the best aunt ever! Oh, I just can't wait!"
"I'm so sorry to disappoint you, Yukina," said Kurama. "But Hiei and I have decided to put the baby up for adoption."
"What?" said Yukina, all the happiness draining from her face. "You mustn't!"
"Yukina, adoption is a wonderful thing that has given a loving home to many children, and a child to many couples that can't have children of their own," Kurama reminded her. "Hiei and I just feel that we aren't ready for a child."
"But why not?"
"It's complicated, Yukina."
"Hmm…" Yukina studied Kurama closely. "You don't want to give it away, do you? You're just putting the baby up for adoption because Hiei wants to, aren't you?"
"Very perceptive," Kurama muttered.
"If you let him do this, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life," Yukina warned. "My mother had her baby taken away from her, you know, and she ended up committing suicide. Are you even going to be allowed to hold the baby before you have to give it away?"
"I'm not sure." Kurama shook his head. "But don't you see? Even though it's going to be one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do, it wouldn't be fair to force Hiei to keep a baby he doesn't want, and it wouldn't be fair to the baby, either. It deserves to grow up in a home where both parents want it, not just one. Besides, I don't need them both resenting me."
"But what if you start to resent Hiei?" said Yukina. "What if every time you look at him, all you can think about is how he made you give the baby up? Won't that be just as bad?"
"As long as Hiei and the baby are happy—"
"What about you?" Yukina cut him off. "You're always thinking about everyone else, Kurama, and never yourself. Do you really not care about your own feelings, as long as Hiei and the baby are happy? How do you think Hiei would feel if he knew you said that?"
Kurama remembered how it was only a couple weeks ago that he'd been talking to Shizuru on this very same couch, and the fact that he was going to be someone's father had dawned on him for the first time. And then, only the very next day, that dream had been snatched away from him. Just as his child would be once it was born. All those things Yukina said were things Kurama had asked himself, at work, in the dead of night, when he was doing chores around the house. The nagging wonderings were always there—about what this would do to him, what it would do to Hiei, what it would do to the child, what it would do to their marriage. His throat got tight, and he felt his tears returning, burning in the corners of his eyes. It took every ounce of self-control he had to keep them from breaking free.
"I would love nothing more than to keep this child and raise it as my own," Kurama said finally, his voice steady and quiet as he stared at the ground. "But I can't force Hiei to do the same. I love him too much for that."
"Yes…" Yukina sighed. "You're probably right."
"Let's hope so," said Kurama. "But just make sure you tell Hiei you guessed all this, or he won't be very pleased with me."
"I just wish he wasn't so miserable," Yukina said mournfully. "I don't think I've ever seen him cry before. Have the mood swings really been that bad?"
"That's a bit of an understatement," said Kurama, glad to have someone to confide in. "It's been awful, and I feel like there's nothing I can do to help. But the worst part is the way it makes Hiei feel. I try to tell him this is normal, that he doesn't need to feel guilty or embarrassed, but, well, you know how he is."
"I could talk to him for you," Yukina offered. "If he won't listen to you, maybe he'll listen to me."
…
Hiei was still trying to get some sleep when he heard a light knock on the bedroom door.
"I told you to leave me alone, Kurama," he said, throwing the pillow over his head.
"It's Yukina." Hiei was surprised to hear his twin sister's voice. "May I come in? I just want to talk."
"Okay," said Hiei, unable to deny her. "It's not locked."
Yukina let herself in and sat on the bed by Hiei's feet with a sweet smile.
"How are you doing, Hiei?" she asked. "Feeling any better?"
"Is that what you came in here to ask?" said Hiei. "You don't have to worry. I'll probably be back to my old self in about a week."
"I don't think so," said Yukina, and Hiei was surprised at the firmness in her tone. "Let's get to the point, Hiei. I know."
"You mean that bastard told you?!"
"No, I guessed it on my own," she corrected him quickly. "It wasn't difficult, after all. But that's why I wanted to know if you were feeling better."
"Well, I threw up one less time today than I did yesterday, so I guess you could say that," Hiei told her with a shrug.
"That's not what I meant, Hiei." Yukina shook her head. "I mean…how are you feeling? Pregnancy isn't always a happy time."
"It's never a happy time," said Hiei. "And I'm still not sure why you wanted to talk to me. Were you planning on having kids with that f—I mean, with Kuwabara?"
"Not at the moment," she said. "I just felt really bad for you at the Halloween party. None of us had ever seen you cry before."
Hiei hadn't thought it was possible, but now he felt even worse. Not only had he spent the past week or so taking out his moods on Kurama, but now he had upset Yukina, too.
"I'm sorry," he told her.
"You don't need to be sorry, Hiei," said Yukina. "Sometimes it's good to cry and talk about your feelings."
"Kurama said the same thing," Hiei replied, falling back onto the pillow. If it were anyone else, even Kurama, he probably would have said something insulting, but he just couldn't bring himself to speak to Yukina that way. "But that's always been really hard for me. I don't know why."
"Maybe it's because no one was around to listen," she said softly.
Images, sounds, feelings that had long been suppressed began to resurface in Hiei's mind: a baby left alone to cry for hours on end…a dark room…a pair of muscular arms, so close and yet so far away…Hunger. Discomfort. Stress. Loneliness…so much loneliness. Hiei didn't even realize he was tearing up again until he felt Yukina's arms around him.
"I'm here to listen now, Hiei," she said. "You can express your feelings in any way you want, as long as it doesn't hurt you or anyone else."
"But don't you see? It does hurt other people," said Hiei, his tone strangled. "The other day I was so mad at Kurama I threw scalding-hot tea on him."
"It sounds like your current way of dealing with things isn't working, then," said Yukina. "But there has to be something else you can do—exercise, talk to your doctor, or even just take a deep breath and count to ten. I know that seems hard right now, but it will get easier the more you do it. And anytime you want to talk, Hiei, just give me a call. I don't care if it's three in the morning and you're upset because you burnt a slice of toast, you call."
"Thanks, Yukina," said Hiei, and he couldn't help but smile. "If you're ever pregnant, you can call me, too."
"I will," she said with a slight laugh, giving him a hug, and Hiei had never been so thankful for his sister. It was really too bad they had to give the baby up for adoption…She would have made a wonderful aunt.
