A/N: Hey folks, it's been a while. I know I need to update WSW, but it's been hard to write for a while. I wrote this some time ago and felt compelled to finish it. Honestly, not sure how much sense it makes, and I don't even know if the AU works, but I was just projecting some feelings onto these two, so...
Anyway, an explanation. This is a modern AU. Elsa is 6 years older than Anna and has taken care of her since their parents died. In this fic, Anna is 18 and heading off to college. Elsa has some complicated feelings about that.
I don't plan to expanding this AU or anything, but I am willing to be open-minded about it so please read and let me know what you think. Thanks!
"Elsa, Elsa!"
The twelve year old had just managed to set her backpack on the floor before the hurricane that was her energetic five year old sister crashed into her, sending the sisters tumbling to the floor.
"Anna!" She griped, but the words fell on deaf ears.
"You're home, you're home, you're finally home!" The child rambled excitedly and over the grumblings of her older sibling. "I missed you sooo much, Elsie!" Tiny, chubby arms squeezed her hard, fiery red hair brushing against her nose, almost as though Anna was molding herself to Elsa.
The thought made her smile. Her bubbly little sibling was so open and free with her affection, but especially so when it came to her.
The blonde planted a kiss on her sister's forehead, just as their mother did. "It was only a week, Anna. I came back earlier than I was supposed to."
But Elsa should have realized such logic would be lost on her sister. Anna pouted. "I wanted to play with you for so long, but you wouldn't even come home. And Mama…" She paused and sniffled here.
"Mama what?"
"Mama said I hafta get used to it." Anna frowned, her nose scrunched up in an adorable manner. "She says you're gonna be more busy now, cuz you're a big girl and ya hafta do stuff, and that means you can't play with me anymore." She looked up. "Why do you hafta do stuff?"
Elsa laughed. "Cause I need to, Anna. And one day, you'll need to too. I'm going to seventh grade soon," She puffed up a little at the reminder. She'd proven herself smart enough to skip a grade. It was no small feat. "And then I'll go to eighth, then ninth. And one day, I'll have to go far away, to college. I'll be very busy then."
It seemed those were the wrong words to say. Tiny brows furrowed in sadness. "So…you can't play with me anymore?"
Her heart clenched at the innocuous question. "Aw, I didn't mean it like that, Anna."
"Yes you did!" Anna jumped up, her small fists clenched in anger. "You don't wanna play with me anymore cuz you're big and I'm just a baby!"
The emotional mood swing came too quickly for Elsa to comprehend. "Anna-"
"Well, I'm not! I'm big and I wanna play with you and you promised me, Elsie! You promised we'd always play together and that we'd be bestest friends and now you're being a meanie!" The girl turned to leave, but Elsa grabbed her around her waist and plopped the child back into her lap.
"Hey!" Anna squirmed in her hold. "You can't do that! I'm not a baby!"
"No." Elsa agreed. "No, you're not, but you're acting like one now, Anna. Look at me."
"No."
Elsa sighed. "Anna…"
"I don't talk to meanies."
She let out a low, huffy exhale. But perhaps it wasn't fair to be upset with her sister, after all, she was only a child. Elsa softened at the reminder, though it certainly helped that Anna looked incredibly adorable when she pouted.
"Anna…" She leaned in, her voice sing-songy and playful, "I'll build a snowman with you."
There was a moment's pause. Then, Anna wiped her nose, her expression softening. "R-Really?"
That innocuous question told Elsa everything she needed to understand about her sister's tantrum. "Oh Anna," She pulled her close, nuzzling her nose in soft copper hair. "You'll always be my best friend, and I'll always play with you, I promise."
The child considered the words for a minute before wordlessly sticking her pinky out.
Elsa laughed and locked it with her own. "Yes, I pinky promise."
To her relief, Anna beamed. "Good, but you hafta hafta play with me all the time, Elsie. No matter what, okay?"
An identical beam crossed her own face. "Oh, I will. I promised, didn't I?"
"Elsa?"
The blonde looked up from the luggage she'd been eyeing for the last half hour to focus on her sister, who'd finally managed to extricate herself from her room with the last of her belongings.
"We got space for some more bags?"
She raised an eyebrow. "You're going to college, Anna, not into the wilderness."
The redhead shrugged, a brilliant gleam in her beautiful teal eyes. "I'd carry less if I were going into a crazy jungle, ya goof. I've seen enough Survivor to know that much." She placed the bag on the ground, "Besides, I couldn't not bring my posters and my figurine collection with me."
Elsa's heart fell at the thought of seeing Anna's room devoid of the two things that had always seemed to be there. The things that made her room special. That made it look like home.
"You're taking those with you?"
Anna shrugged, as if it were an obvious choice. "You know I can't fall asleep without saying goodnight to Chris first."
Her fears were quickly forgotten, the words bringing a teasing smile to Elsa's lips. "Does Kristoff know you're seeing another man?"
The redhead giggled. "If he did, he'd agree with me. Evans is the obvious choice, no contest there."
It was practically a declaration of war, but Elsa knew her sister was doing it on purpose. One last loss for the road, dear sister?
"You mean Pine."
Anna stuck out her tongue. "Face it Sis. Captain America is hotter than Captain Kirk."
Elsa crossed her arms, one perfect eyebrow quirked in disapproval. "Brawn isn't everything, you know. Brains can be sexy too."
"Well then, lucky for me that Evans has both, isn't it?"
Elsa couldn't believe her ears. "I'm sorry, have you seen Pine's latest GQ photoshoot? The man could wear a burlap sack and still look hot."
Anna smirked, "Uh, have YOU seen Evan's Vogue cover? God, I wish I was that sweater."
"Oh Anna, you sweet, naïve little child-"
TRIIINGGG!
A sudden alarm clock cut through her words, startling the sisters. When Anna finally managed to recover her senses, she smacked her forehead. "Whooops, I set an alarm so that we wouldn't be late…Good thing too, cause once we get started on the battle of the Chrises, we lose all track of time."
That was kind of the point.
The words brought a lump to Elsa's throat. But Anna didn't notice, instead looking around the room at her assorted baggage. "So I guess I'll just put this in the trunk, huh?"
She startled out of her thoughts. "No, there's no space in the trunk. It'll have to go in the back seat."
"Kay." Anna swiveled for the front door, "Come on sis, it's time to take me to college! WHOO!"
Elsa watched her sister skip into the driveway, her hand clenching her keys tight enough to leave imprints.
Come on, Elsa, get it together.
She took a deep breath before heading out the door and locking it behind her.
Anna spent the two-hour ride rambling about the new chapter of her life that she was thrilled to embark on…the part of her life that Elsa didn't want to hear one bit about.
But her sister's bubbliness was ever infectious, and so Elsa found herself caught up in Anna's conundrum of what clubs to join and all the new friends she'd make and the sports events she'd get to visit and gosh, was taking double majors in botany and ecology even a smart idea, because people kept making funny faces when she told them about her majors and maybe she should have just picked one instead.
"Maybe I'm being over-ambitious."
"I think people will make funny faces no matter what you tell them," Elsa replied smoothly. She'd had enough of that bullshit years ago. "Pick what you love and work hard at it, the rest will fall into place."
Anna leaned back dramatically with a huge sigh. "You make it sound so easy, Elsie…but all I've heard from people is how hard college is. And with the double majors, and the honors program…maybe it's too much. I'm not that smart."
Elsa returned a deadpan look to her right, "You're kidding, right? What is this crap about you not being smart enough? You were valedictorian for God's sakes-"
"Salutatorian."
Elsa glanced over curiously.
"You keep forgetting about the other guy, you know…the actual valedictorian."
Elsa scrunched her eyebrows into a frown. "I still think he cheated. I mean, how do you take 21 APs in a school that only offers 18?"
"Transfer credits."
Elsa huffed and turned away, "Fine, all possible misappropriations of those honors aside, you are more than capable of tackling two majors. And both of them are topics you've been studying on your own for years…you even said you wanted to be a botanist in your kindergarten journal."
"Wait, really?" Anna exclaimed. She whistled aloud, "Man, Dora taught me a lot more than I give her credit for."
The blonde chuckled and turned to face her astonished sister, "Actually, you said you wanted to be a gardener, but what's a botanist if not an incredibly well-read gardener?"
Anna returned a deep frown. "Because I love you so much, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."
Elsa ignored the way her heart soared at such a simple phrase she heard so often.
"Look, Anna, college is incredibly intimidating, terrifying even. It'll make you wish you were back in preschool, where all you had to worry about was when you got to take a nap and grab a snack." She giggled, "Now that I think about, preschool and college are more similar than I thought."
"Is this supposed to be helpful?" Anna cut in, "Cause it doesn't feel that way."
"But it's also incredibly liberating. You'll learn so much, experience a life like no other, and you'll grow. Maybe you don't think you can tackle two majors now, but the experience will shape you to be capable enough to do so."
"You really think so?"
Elsa shrugged, "Trust the process, Anna…and yourself, and you'll be graduating with a double degree in no time."
And beginning the rest of your life without me…
Her fingers gripped the wheel just a bit tighter.
Anna looked impressed, "Well, well, who knew?! When you manage to get to the point, it turns out you're great at giving advice!"
Cerulean eyes widened in mock indignation. "Oi! It didn't take that long this time, I know it didn't."
"Honestly, Elsa. I've timed you in the past…I didn't now, cause I didn't realize we were due for a therapy session, but if I had, I'm sure I'd-" A beep interrupted Anna's reply. And then came a groan. "How!?"
She all but shoved her phone in Elsa's face, the woman batting it away as she tried to keep her eyes on the road. "Anna, I'm driving!"
Anna had bigger concerns. "Kristoff's already on campus, Elsie! How's that possible?"
"He started before us?"
"No, we had a bet. Same start time, last one to campus pays for lunch all week."
Elsa chuckled, "You two will do anything to avoid splitting the bill, won't you?"
Anna stuck out her tongue. "Math is hard, okay?"
The blonde giggled, but Anna did not share in her amusement. "Unless Bulda traded her ancient Sienna in for a Ferarri or something, there's no way Kristoff made it to campus before us. He texted me just as we were getting ready to leave."
"Or maybe Kristoff was driving." Elsa replied with a wince. Her sister's boyfriend was good at many things, driving was not one of them. She had once been in the unfortunate position of accepting a ride from him, and to this day, she could feel her ears ringing from the many concussions she'd earned as Kristoff failed to slow down for all the speed bumps.
If she didn't know any better, she would have sworn he was trying to take her out. Fortunately, she did know him, and so she could excuse his poor driving as the unfortunate side effect of having an attention span of a distracted reindeer. Long story.
"Bulda would never let him. Besides, he's been texting me the whole time…and even he's not that distracted a driver."Anna snuck a look at the speedometer, "No wonder, we're going 60 on an 80? Come on, Elsie. We gotta hurry!"
That anxious to leave me, Sunshine? But Elsa reluctantly picked up the speed.
Satisfied with the change, Anna leaned back into her seat. "You know, it's nice to be going off to college actually. And it's just the right distance away from home…you know, not too far to make visits a pain in the butt but not too close to feel like I never left."
Elsa nodded absently. As painful as the whole experience was shaping up to be, at least Anna would be just an afternoon's drive away. The thought offered some solace to her aching heart.
"And it's a good jumping off point for when I start my career. I mean Frostburg isn't great for job prospects, but I'm sure I could find some part time job in town after I graduate…you know, something to keep the dough rolling in."
"Uh huh." Fingers gripped the wheel tighter. Elsa hadn't anticipated Anna staying in Frostburg after graduation, but it seemed her sister had planned out quite a bit of her future.
"And then, when we've saved up enough, we'll be able to move out to California."
CALIFORNIA?!
Anna yelped as the car swerved rather abruptly into the next lane. "God, Elsa! I'd like to get to college in one piece, you know!"
"Sorry," Elsa mumbled almost to herself, "Lane change."
If Anna thought the excuse sounded pathetic, she shrugged it off. "Anyways, we were thinking California's pretty good. There's a lot of opportunities for botanists out there and Kristoff really wants to try to get a spot at Stanford Hospital. You know, once you get in, it's like a dream job. Great pay, decent hours, sweet perks. Plus, I mean Stanford…" She let out a musical whistle, "Am I right?"
"Uh huh." Elsa could feel her heart thud loudly in her throat as the highway sign came into view.
Frostburg State University – 15 miles.
15 miles before Anna leaves me forever, apparently. And just when exactly did she plan out her entire life?
"And not to be super biased or anything, but I think he has a shot. He's literally always down at the senior center. Honestly, it makes me a little jealous. I heard old Tildy has a crush on him…can you believe it? Of all the people she could crush on, she picks Kristoff! I mean, she could do so much better than him, right?"
Fingers drummed nervously on the steering wheel, eyes flitting to the rearview mirror and side mirrors, her mind swimming with memories and fear and other, incredibly vulnerable thoughts she didn't want to consider at the moment because-
"Elsie?"
"Yeah, that sounds great." She replied automatically.
From the look that passed over Anna's face, she could tell it didn't pass muster. "You weren't paying attention, were you?"
The crushed look in Anna's swirling green eyes broke her heart. Usually, Elsa did her darndest to follow her sister's ramblings, however far off topic they may take her, but she just didn't have it in her today. Elsa sighed and ran her fingers through her hair.
"I'm sorry, love. I was just thinking." But Elsa didn't dare share what she was thinking about. She couldn't, not when Anna was so excited about the plans she'd made for the future.
Plans that don't involve me.
Instead she fell silent, ignoring the confused hurt on Anna's face.
Finally, Anna slumped in her seat. "That's okay. I went on way longer than I usually do…guess I was just getting one last ramble in." Before Elsa could apologize, she turned on the radio and slumped in her seat to look out the window.
The fingers grasping the wheel turned white.
"I think that's the last bag." Elsa replied as she set the luggage down in front of Anna's dorm room. Part of her had wanted to prolong the process, but as soon as they'd arrived on campus, student volunteers had shown up to help the new student settle in, leaving Elsa with a lonely bag in her hand and a sudden urge to weep.
Anna nodded slowly, her gaze darting towards the empty room. "I was hoping to introduce you to my roommates, but I guess they left for lunch."
Elsa was quick to glom onto the way Anna wrung her hands before her. It was a nervous tic, one she hadn't seen from her sister in a while. "You okay, Sunshine?"
The redhead bit her lower lip nervously before whispering, "You'll come visit me, right?"
Elsa blinked rapidly in surprise, hope fluttering in her heart at the unexpected question. "I-of course I will! ….Y-you'll come home once in a while, right?"
The smile on Anna's face lightened her burden. "Course, Elsie….I wouldn't miss your mac and cheese for the world."
Elsa suddenly felt like a fool for doubting her sister. Of course she loves -
"Plus I'll need to come get the rest of my figurines too. I couldn't fit all of them into the bag and I didn't want to stuff them in, but maybe you can drop them off when you come by, or I can come pick them up sometime…you know, if Bulda decides to let Kristoff keep the Sienna. Jury's still out on that though." She glanced at her phone, "Maybe I should ask him."
…the stuff…
Elsa stuffed her clenched fists in her jacket pockets as she fought back tears. "Right, yes. We'll figure something out. Maybe I'll have Bulda drop them off when she comes to visit."
A flurry of red hair knocked into her, catching her off-balance. "Thanks Elsie, for everything."
A sob stuck in her throat, Elsa could do nothing more than return the hug with a comforting pat, using the gesture to express the emotions she had no words for.
It was an ice cream for dinner kind of night.
Elsa slumped before the tv, a pint of minty ice chocolate in her hands as she flipped aimlessly through the channels. She needed something mind-numbingly stupid to cry over. Mind-numbing because she was sure her brain couldn't handle anything relatively logical at the moment, and stupid because crying over something stupid felt easier than crying over very valid concerns about her baby sister drifting further and further away from her as she began the next chapter of her young adulthood.
Unfortunately, the night's entertainment was lacking in both departments and so Elsa settled for watching re-runs of some shitty sitcom whose name she couldn't be bothered to remember.
Her eyelids were just beginning to droop when her phone suddenly rang. She shot up off the sofa, startled by the sound. "Shit… I really need to turn the volume down."
She glared at the phone. With her luck, it was probably her boss asking her to cover double shifts or something. She'd been lucky to get the day off to help Anna move in, but Westergaard would always find a way to get his labor.
Elsa was awfully tempted to just ditch it. It didn't matter anyway, the job…the pay. With her degree, she could get any job in town. The only reason she'd held onto the stupid job was for Anna…but that didn't matter anymore, did it?
But the longer it rang, the more Elsa worried. What if it wasn't Westergaard? What if it was Anna? What if she needed help, or was hurt or lonely?
The rational part of her brain fought against such thoughts. Anna was safe with her friends. She didn't need her anymore, her sister had practically almost said as much.
But the emotionally vulnerable side wanted to hurry to her sister's side, scoop her up into her arms and cradle her from the dangers of the world, just as she had that fateful night when they learned their parents weren't coming back from their business trip.
"Oh screw it." She picked the phone up without checking the caller id, which was probably the stupidest thing to do.
"Good, I thought I was gonna have to call the fire department to knock your door down."
In spite of herself, Elsa grinned. "Unlike you, Anna dear, I don't burn down the kitchen while I'm cooking."
"Well, what took you so long then?"
The blonde shrugged before realizing she was on a voice call. "Just didn't hear the phone ring, I guess."
Liar.
"Oh, well, I called to tell you I got my dorm room all set up!"
Great.
"Yeah, in fact – hold on…" There was a fumbling and a thud and then, "Elsie, I don't need to see the inside of your ear."
"What?" She pulled the phone away, "You could have told me you were doing a video call."
Despite everything, it warmed her heart when Anna let out a cute little giggle. "Maybe I should have. Why do you look like the stereotypical girl nursing a broken heart?"
"What?" Elsa looked down, "No I don't…and why would I have a broken heart?" Besides the obvious reason, of course.
Anna returned a curious look, "Is that ice cream on your shirt?"
"What?!" Elsa hated stains on her clothes, even on her comfy, only-worn-when-I-want-to-drown-my- sorrows-in-ice-cream clothes. "Where is it?"
"Ha, so you aren't just dressed like it, you are nursing a broken heart!" Anna's eyes became impossibly wider, "Are you in love?"
"Since this morning? No, you goof." Elsa grumbled, "I just wanted to be comfy."
"And the ice cream?"
Elsa shrugged, "I didn't feel like cooking. Besides, it's just me now, no teenager with a black hole for a stomach that I need to cook three square meals for, remember?"
Anna didn't look convinced. "Right. Anyway, look at my dorm room!" She turned her phone around to show off the digs, and begrudgingly, Elsa couldn't help but admit that the figurines and posters made her sister's room look absolutely adorable. Except for –
"You didn't!"
"Didn't what?"
"You put Pine behind the microwave?!"
Anna's offscreen evil snicker brought with it a hint of nostalgia and a much more prominent surge of indignation.
"You are no sister of mine."
Anna's devilish smile came into frame. "That's more than he deserves. There's only room for one Chris in this dorm room." She turned the phone to perfectly capture her signed and laminated Captain America and the Winter Soldier poster, a poster that was covered in sticky notes with kisses and story ideas and certain strange, almost stalkerish dreams she'd had about the unsuspecting actor.
"Then why take the poster at all?"
Eyebrows wiggled suggestively, "You know why."
Elsa glowered at the phone. "I hate you."
Anna batted innocent eyelashes at her sister. "What, little ol' me?"
Elsa let out a little chuckle as her eyes drifted from the phone to her dreadfully silent apartment. If Anna had been home, she'd have chased her sister around the rooms and tackled her to the ground for a deadly battle of the tickles. It was a tradition of sorts, because for some reason, since childhood, their arguments always ended in a full-blown tickle war.
But not this time.
Maybe not ever again.
The words slipped out of her mouth. "I miss you."
She wanted to curse herself for her inability to conceal her emotions, but to Elsa's relief, Anna's face softened. "So do I, Elsie. I thought it'd take a day or two before it all sank in, but I kinda felt it the moment you drove off."
The reply brought with it a touch of hope, but Elsa couldn't dare to dream. "Hope you're not second-guessing your decision."
Please come home, I'm begging you. We'll work the commute out. I'll drive you to school everyday if I have to, I'll-I'll even get you your own car. I know it'll cost a bit, but I'll worry about the money. Just please come home, Anna. I need you.
"No, I'm not. But it would be nice to see you again, you know, in person."
Elsa nodded. "I'm afraid Westergaard's going to make me catch up on hours this week, but I'll come by Saturday."
A soft smile crossed Anna's face. "I'd like that….but is it okay if I call you everyday, you know, like this?"
"YES!" Elsa jumped up before realizing how desperate she sounded, "I-I mean…yeah, yeah, that'd be nice."
Anna giggled, "I think the ice cream got to you, Elsie. It's turning your brain into mush."
It's not my brain that in danger of turning into mush, it's my damn stupid heart.
"Who says my brain wasn't mush already?"
Saturday came and went with no fanfare. Anna had had to reluctantly cancel their plans when she found a club meeting was happening that same day. What with classes starting and Elsa returning to work, their schedules no longer allowed for much interaction.
But Elsa was determined to keep the video calls going. Even if it ended up being 1 am. Her sister, forever a night owl, was usually well awake during such late calls, and so Elsa would try and return the favor, often making herself cups of coffee to carry her through the night.
"This isn't healthy, you know."
Elsa raised an eyebrow. "Look who's talking."
Anna shrugged, "I'm in college. Late nights come with the territory."
"And I'm rather freshly out of college…I'm not that old, you know."
For once, Anna didn't return a joke. "I mean it, Elsie. You kind of look exhausted. You have to go to work in the morning. Maybe we should do this another time."
"Like when? Whenever I'm on break, you're in class, or at a club meeting, or doing homework or spending time with Kristoff. And whenever you're free, I'm working." She chugged down her cup, "At least when you were home, we'd have dinner together…this is the least I can do."
There was no response from Anna. Elsa didn't know what to do with the uncharacteristic silence. Anna had never really left her a silence to deal with before.
"Anna?"
"Sorry," She shook her head, "Just thinking…so, how's work?"
The call didn't last much long after that. Elsa wasn't sure whose fault it was, but she couldn't help but wonder if it was all falling apart.
About a month later, the calls stopped entirely.
And with it, it seemed, Elsa's heart.
They still texted each other. Elsa reminding her sister to eat and take breaks and go and breath some fresh, non-AC air every once in a while. But it wasn't the same.
She wondered if it ever would be again.
This was her nightmare come to life, wasn't it? This was why she'd feared Anna leaving for college. Her sister would get swept up in her new life – as was natural – and then everything would change.
And while Elsa understood that intrinsically, though she knew she wasn't the center of Anna's universe and it was rather narcissistic to expect such a position anyway, the fear that Anna might truly have left her behind still hurt.
Because though she may not be the center of Anna's universe, Anna was the center of hers. Everything she'd done for her sister had been to help her grow happy and healthy and care-free, even without their parents.
She'd even sacrificed a budding career in architecture and settled for a shitty job in a cheap town because that shitty job allowed her the one thing no other job would: flexibility.
And the town, though hardly the destination for anyone with ambition and drive, was a necessary and crucial pick, because here, Elsa had had the chance to really raise her sister. No daycares or fancy afterschool programs, no expensive babysitters, nothing of the sort. Here, it could just be the two of them. Together. And that was all she had ever wanted. The only thing she could ever want.
But she had known it wouldn't be enough for Anna. Her sister had always wanted a big life, in a big city. Her ambitions, her dreams, her imagination….they'd always been larger than life.
And that's why Elsa hadn't batted so much as an eyelid when Anna said she wanted to move out for college. Her sister had made a sensible choice by staying in-state and relatively close to home. But even this distance was intimidating, because if there was one thing Elsa did understand about relationships, it was that with physical distance came emotional distance.
Elsa had no idea which fool had claimed that absence made the heart grow fonder, because if that were true, then Anna would have come running home a long time ago. Or she would have gone running to her, perhaps.
No, absence only divided people. It only exacerbated differences, led to separation over time. And if nothing was done to salvage it, there would soon be nothing left to salvage.
Fingers tapped nervously on the countertop as she watched the phone ring before her.
This is stupid, she's probably busy and I'm just interrupting her because I'm a clingy, overbearing older sister who can't stop helicoptering, that's all. And when Anna picks up the phone, or doesn't…you know, because she's busy, she'll prove it. She'll prove she was right to move away and leave me behind because I don't deserve to have her in my life and whatever time I did get was a blessing beyond the likes of which I might never get again and -oh GOD, is she really not going to pick up?
Click.
Elsa dropped her head onto the counter with a shaky sigh.
It hurt.
It always did.
But that didn't make it easier.
In fact, each day apart only made it worse, dredging up her worst nightmares and insecurities, flaying her alive and ripping her heart out of her chest and crushing it in her bare hands because Anna was all she had and the thought of having a life without her had never even crossed her mind and what in the world was she supposed to do if -
BRRING!
Red-rimmed eyes shot to the phone, a jaw open in disbelief, anticipation, fear…she couldn't quite say.
"Ah-Anna?"
Her sister's adorable profile pic popped up on her screen, the light illuminating her surprised face.
She couldn't have answered faster.
"Elsa? You called?" Anna's blurry face emerged on screen. Wherever her sister was, it was dark.
Elsa scrambled up to avoid any awkward questions about her appearance. Unfortunately, the clothes of ice cream misery had entered rotation into her daily wardrobe. But Anna didn't need to know that, or the reason behind it.
"Sorry, is this a bad time?"
A yawn escaped her sister. "No… I just took a nap." There was movement as Anna got up and turned the light on, the bright beams only illuminating her sister's disheveled state.
"Oh," Elsa felt like a downright fool, well, more than usual anyway. "Sorry, love….I really didn't mean to bother you. You can go back to sleep."
Anna shook her head, stifling another yawn. "Nah, it was supposed to be a quick one, but I guess I didn't realize how tired I was…" She smiled, "Things have been a little crazy around here."
"Oh?"
Anna nodded as she appeared to sit down, "There's this club on campus, an engineering club. They've been working on a synthetic self-sustainable greenhouse that's made up of plants, and they needed someone with an understanding of botany to join their team…guess who they picked?"
Elsa beamed, "Sunshine, that's fantastic news!"
Anna managed a wide grin, "Yeah, it's been really great. The team is super cool too and I've made a lot of friends. We've been hanging out a lot, it's really awesome!"
Elsa could only nod. "It sounds wonderful, darling. I'm so proud of you."
The smile gleamed bright at the praise but then it dimmed, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but that's why I haven't been able to call. It's a lot of work, and what with classes and the competition coming up-"
"Competition?"
"Yeah, the club's entering this in an environmental sustainability competition. A lot of bigwigs are hosting it, it's a really big deal, even came on the news." Anna managed another yawn. "But it's a lot of work and I've barely been able to keep up…" She slumped, "I haven't even had a date with Kristoff in weeks."
"Oh," Elsa found herself unable to muster much sympathy for her sister's beau, "I'm sure he understands."
The beam returned, "Oh, he's super excited. I think he'd have hopped on board if I'd said no to the whole thing, though what the team would do with a nurse on board, I'm not sure…actually, scratch that, we mess ourselves up pretty bad when we're working. Maybe Kristoff should be on standby."
"That doesn't sound like such a bad idea." Elsa mused. The thought of Anna being in any kind of danger made her skin crawl. She brushed the negativity aside.
"Eh, anyways, how are things on your end?"
Elsa shrugged, "They're the same as usual."
Anna's face fell, "Elsie."
"What?"
"You told me you'd go and live life a little after I went to college."
Elsa bristled at the reminder. She had promised her sister, but as far as fulfilling it…
"I am. I'm going to work and making dinner and paying my taxes."
The girl crossed her arms, "Have you been on a date?"
The blonde released an exasperated sigh. She really didn't want to dissect her own life right now. "Anna, can't we talk about something else?"
"So that's a no."
Elsa sighed and plopped down onto the couch. "Fine. No, I haven't been on a date. But I don't need to…I'm fine."
"Have you made any friends?"
"Hey!" Elsa straightened up, "I have friends."
Anna returned a stern look, "Have you talked to them?" Before Elsa could open her mouth, she added, "In the last month, I mean?"
A sheepish Elsa eyed the corner of the rug, avoiding her sister's persistent look.
"Elsie…" The tone was so unbelievably gentle but stern that Elsa couldn't help but wonder where her sister had picked it up from. Probably Mama. "You can't spend the rest of your life alone."
Elsa almost scoffed aloud.
I'm already doomed to it. Besides, the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with is busy making her dreams come true. Who am I to stop her?
"Elsa?"
She turned back to a concerned Anna, but knowing she was the reason for her sister's worry just made her heart ache more. "Promise me you'll go on a date this week."
"This WEEK?!" Elsa squawked, "Where am I supposed to find someone to go out with on such short notice?"
Anna shrugged, "There's a pub, isn't there?"
Elsa shook her head, "You know I don't like that whole scene, Anna."
"Then go search for single men in the library or something. "
She grimaced. "Ok, that's just creepy, Anna. Why would I even do something like that? I mean-"
"Please, Elsa. I'm serious." And she was. In fact, Anna looked downright on the verge of tears. Elsa found herself unable to look her in the eyes.
"Elsie…I'm worried about you. You spent so much time taking care of me that you forgot you need to take care of yourself. And now that I'm here, I'm worried that there's no one looking out for you. I need you to find someone." Her face morphed into determination, "And if you don't do it soon, then I'll set you up with someone myself."
Elsa scoffed, "That's the last thing I need, my baby sister playing matchmaker for me."
"Then you'll go on a date?"
She pursed her lips. "Does it have to be a date?"
Anna sighed, "For the love of God, at least make a friend… Please!"
A friend. She had friends. She could make friends. Elsa nodded. "Okay, that, I can do, I guess."
Anna returned a genuine smile, one that sang with relief. "Okay, then the next time we talk, you better have some actually interesting news for me, kay?"
"Kay." The smile Elsa returned wasn't as genuine as her sister's, but she found it hard to tell the difference anymore.
She supposed it didn't really matter either way.
"I can't believe she's letting me keep the Sienna…she actually trusts me, Anna."
Anna rolled her eyes, "More like she's sick and tired of dragging your laundry back and forth. Why don't you just use the laundromat in your building?"
Kristoff's eyes widened. "And let the rats have at my knit sweaters? Are you out of your mind?"
She rolled her eyes, "Well, I guess with a car in our possession, at least trips back home will be a lot easier." She turned to look out the window, her mind, as always, on her sister.
It had been a while since their last visit, and what with their other commitments, even calling each other had become a difficult endeavor.
"Wanna drop by and see Elsa?"
She turned to him, eyes wide with surprise, "But I thought you had class."
He held up his phone with a beaming smile, "It just got canceled."
Taking the surprised squeal from his girlfriend as a yes, Kristoff turned the rackety old van towards the one place Anna could truly call home.
To be fair, she'd tried. She really had.
But perhaps Anna was right in suggesting that Elsa didn't know how to take care of herself anymore, because in all honesty, she had not been capable in maintaining an honest, interesting conversation with any of her co-workers.
And really, if she couldn't make friends with the people she worked with every day, then she was just a lost cause.
Course I knew that…but I didn't want to disappoint Anna. And God knows she's right. If she really is going to move to California, I can't spend the rest of my life alone.
The way her day was going, it looked like another ice cream filled cry fest.
Anna wanted interesting news? I should tell her the local ice cream shop opened up a new branch, courtesy of my undying patronage.
She flopped onto the couch with a groan, only to let out a surprised yelp when the doorbell rang. That was another rarity. Her neighbors never rang the bell and she didn't exactly have any visitors to look forward to, did she?
Probably just some Girl Scouts.
"I don't wanna buy anything, go away!" Elsa grimaced at the harsh response, but she was far too depressed to care.
The bell rang again.
"Oh for the love of-" Elsa rose from the couch, intending to tell them to get lost, but then paused. Maybe Thin Mints were a better way of drowning her sorrows than ice cream. She snatched her purse off the counter before unlocking the door.
"Look, unless you've got any Thin Mints, I'm really not interested in…." Her words died at the sight before her.
Anna grinned sheepishly, "Sorry, I'm all out of Thin Mints, can I still come inside?"
Elsa immediately lurched forward, almost falling on top of Anna in a smothering hug, "Oh my god, it's you! It's actually you!" She sobbed, clutching her sister as close as she possibly could. If this was another one of her dreams, it was the best one by far.
"Can't bree-eathe…"
"Sorry!" Elsa pulled back, "Sorry, I just…why didn't you tell me you were coming, you goof?!" It was then that she noticed her sister's boyfriend. "Oh, you're here too."
Kristoff would forever be a little intimidated by Elsa. He'd known her for years now, but interacting with her never seemed to get easier. "Um, hi?"
Anna shrugged, "We came to pick the Sienna up," At Elsa's face, she added, "It's a long story. But I didn't think I'd have time to see you. It's just lucky that Kristoff's class got cancelled today and I don't have anything on my schedule so…ta da!"
To everyone's utter bewilderment, Elsa pulled him and Anna into another hug, "God, I missed you…both of you, actually."
"Come on in." She kicked the door open and almost dragged the two inside.
But any enthusiasm Anna felt upon returning home evaporated the moment she stepped across the threshold, because her home was nothing like she remembered.
Dirty dishes lay stacked up in the sink and piled on the countertop in the kitchen, the glasses and bowls and plates crusty and clearly lying there for days. The living room didn't look much better. Aside from the blanket and pillow that she definitely didn't remember seeing there before, there were magazines and books covering the coffee table and the many water stains that now littered the once immaculate wood. And the ferns Elsa had bought in a gardening frenzy last summer lay wilting in the corner, their leaves yellow and dry.
It all took her breath away.
The Elsa she knew was a neat freak. Always cleaning, always shining the stupid coffee table and berating her for leaving coffee rings on it or smudging the surface. Always dusting the countertops because they just looked dusty. Always making sure the sink stayed perfectly empty.
But the sight that greeted her was anything but. And for Anna, it was the last piece of the puzzle.
"Something IS wrong."
Elsa frowned, "Huh?"
All Anna had to do was point, "This…this isn't you. The apartment, it's way too messy. The Elsa that raised me would never have let her apartment get like this. And those clothes…are you even wearing regular clothes, Elsa? Or are the sweats part of your daily rotation?"
Elsa frowned. This wasn't the welcome home she'd hoped to give Anna, but that didn't mean she wanted to discuss her problems either. "So the apartment's a little messy. I'll clean it up. I've been a little slow lately."
"Lately?" Anna frowned. "As far as I know, this has been going on since I left for college. That's almost two months, Elsa!"
"I'm handling it, okay?" Elsa whispered. "I'm-I'm fine. It's just…" She looked around the room for a plausible excuse, "Work's been getting to me, that's all."
"Work, huh?" Anna glowered at her sister, but her next words were spoken to Kristoff. "Open the freezer."
"Um…" Kristoff glanced at his angry, intimidating girlfriend and her even more intimidating older sister, "I-I don't know that I should…"
"The freezer. I need to see something."
With an apologetic glance directed in Elsa's direction, Kristoff went ahead and opened the freezer. To his surprise, several pints of minty ice cream rolled out and onto the tiled kitchen floor, splattering against the dusty tiles.
The sight only served to embarrass Elsa. Anna wasn't supposed to see her like this. She wasn't -
"The fridge."
Kristoff shrugged and opened the fridge door, then looked back, his eyes wide with concern. "Um…it's empty."
Elsa hung her head.
But teal eyes simply narrowed. "Okay." Anna closed her eyes, took a deep sigh, then turned to her boyfriend. "Kristoff, I need you to give me some time with Elsa. I'll text you when I'm done."
The boy sighed with relief. "Right, um, I'll be at my mom's. Just…yeah, I'm going now." He was out the door within seconds.
But if Elsa thought Anna would relax after his departure, she was wrong.
"Do I need to check the cabinets? Are you hiding a stash of alcohol too?"
Elsa found herself unable to meet her sister's eyes, "You know I don't drink, Anna."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Anna took a step closer. "Eating ice cream every night isn't exactly a healthy alternative, you know?'
Elsa's head snapped up at that. "And that's something you wouldn't have known if I hadn't told you when you were younger! So quit being a smart-ass and trying to figure me out!"
"Ah ha," Anna admitted, "So you admit something's off."
"I didn't admit anything!" Elsa yelled with a hint of frustration. "Why do you keep thinking there's something wrong with me? Maybe I just felt like hoarding a bunch of ice cream, maybe I just haven't bought groceries yet, maybe I'm sick and tired of cleaning this apartment everyday…what is it to you?"
The words drew blood. Anna sucked in a harsh breath. But before Elsa could say anymore –
"What is it to me?! Are you really asking me that, Elsie?" Anna took a step closer, "I am your sister. It means everything to me if you aren't taking care of yourself. The Elsa I know has always been careful about her health. Our body is a temple, isn't that what you taught me?"
The redhead gestured to the kitchen. "You've always been so on top of things, so put together. You carried us both through the darkest time of our lives and gave me a future to look forward to and never even broke a sweat in the process. And now…now look at you, look at this place!"
Shame lashed through her being. Elsa felt herself tremble.
But Anna - perceptive, sweet, caring, thoughtful Anna - noticed it. "Elsa," She whispered gently, "What happened?"
She didn't want to. She couldn't.
But her weary bleeding heart was so sick and tired to keeping it all to herself, of burying her feelings deep down in its core, of pretending like her feelings – like her fears, more accurately – didn't exist.
She was scared….so, so scared.
Elsa felt the words tumble out of her.
"You make me sound like some sort of superwoman…" She ducked her head, "You say I carried us out of the dark without breaking a sweat…but do you even know how I was able to do that?"
Anna shook her head.
"I was always so on top of things, I was always so put together because I had to be…for you." Tears danced on her eyelids, but Elsa pressed on. "You needed a hand to hold, a parental figure to care for you, and I had to be that person. So I pulled myself together. I slapped myself out of my misery and forced myself to be there for you because damnit, one of us was going to grow up and achieve their dreams, or else it wasn't worth it. None of it was."
"And now you are achieving your dreams and you're growing up. And although everything I ever did I did to make sure you got to this point in your life…the one thing I never prepared myself for was the day you would move away."
"You moved away, and just like that, my entire reason for existing disappeared. I gave up my dreams, Anna. I sacrificed whatever chance I had at a carefree life when I chose to raise you, but I never regretted that choice, because I wanted you to have that life…but now that you do, it's taking you far away from me. And-and it's made me realize…"
Elsa paused. She knew she was treading on delicate territory, admitting feelings that were better left unsaid, but she couldn't – wouldn't- keep them locked up anymore. She took a deep breath.
"I-I don't have anything else, Anna. Without you, I have nothing left…."
Anna looked shell-shocked.
"Dropping you off at college was the hardest moment of my life, but I told myself it was worth it, that you getting a chance to live your dreams was the reason we'd done all of this hard work in the first place. I forced myself to let you go because you deserved this opportunity. And I swore I would never let my emotions get in your way."
She swallowed the lump in her throat, "But I miss you so, so much that every day you're not here makes me wonder why I still am…I know I should be happy for you and proud of the person you're becoming, but I…God, this is so selfish of me."
"Elsa?"
"I-I just want to be a part of your life." She was spluttering randomly now, her panic bubbling in her as her deepest fears came tumbling out, "And I hate myself for that, I really do, because it's your life, you shouldn't have to indulge me at all, not anymore, but I'm so, so lost without you that I-I just fall apart and I don't know how to pick up the broken pieces again..."
"You're my baby sister, Anna, and you're my best friend…but you're also my whole world…and now that you're leaving me for good, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. I-I just know that I'm nothing without you…and that I can't live without you. I-I just can't!"
Weary with emotional vulnerability, Elsa leaned against the wall. Now that she'd poured out her woes, she felt empty, numb.
"I-I didn't mean for you to find out at all…" She gestured absently to the room, "And definitely not like this."
Her head bowed of its own accord. "I'm-I'm just sorry…" And she was, though for what, she didn't, couldn't say. All she knew now was that she was tired.
Tired.
So damn tired.
Tired of the tense silence that now lingered in the air between the two sisters.
Tired of the way her heart continued to break, because although the whole thing had unfolded in a rather unexpected manner, she had hoped for some response, really any response from her sister, but as much as the silence haunted her, she had not the courage or the energy to look up from the floor and ask for any sort of reprieve from Anna.
Tired because she wanted to believe her sister felt the same way, because she wanted Anna to hold her close and never let her go.
But perhaps Anna's silence was meant to be her response.
Perhaps it was meant to show her disapproval of Elsa's pathetic dependency, her disgust at having to associate with someone so…so pitiable.
Perhaps this was the moment when she realized it was time to leave for good.
Fix it. Fix it before she leaves you forever.
She wiped her tears away, unable and unwilling to look at Anna even as a mirthless chuckle escaped her chapped lips. "Forget what I said, Anna. It's just me being silly...Just-just don't worry about me, kay? I'll be fine."
What's one more lie after everything I've already said and done, right?
She forced herself off the wall, "Maybe I will go out on that date or something and then I'll shake myself out of this funk I've got going on…and honestly it's not even important. What matters is that you're home. That's something to celebrate." She began fumbling for her keys, her hands trembling, "Come on, lemme take you both to dinner, something special, perhaps. You can pick cause I'm not really-"
"Why?"
She could feel Anna's gaze on her, its presence throwing her already shaky composure straight to hell. But still, she didn't dare meet it. And she didn't dare speak.
"Why, Elsa?" The tremble in Anna's voice was slight, but obvious. A lump caught in her throat. She turned to the wall. Not pity, please, she didn't want Anna's pity.
She felt Anna took a step closer. "Do-do you remember that time you went away the summer before seventh grade?"
Blue eyes widened in surprise. Elsa managed a small nod.
Another step, "Do you remember what you told me when you came home?"
How could she ever forget? Why would she ever forget the one moment that had defined her whole life? Another nod.
Yet another step. "What did you tell me, Elsa?"
"I…I don't understand."
One more step. "I want you to say it, Elsa. Tell me what you said that day. When I asked you if you were going to stop playing with me."
Elsa struggled to swallow. Why was she doing this? "Anna…"
"Please?"
Her weary eyelids fell.
You'll always be my best friend, and I'll always play with you, I promise.
"I said you would always be my best friend. I promised you."
"And?" Anna was right behind her now, "Did you keep it?"
Her head was spinning now. She just wanted to lie down. "Anna…"
"Did you?"
The blonde took a deep shaky breath, "I-I tried. I know I faltered. But I tried to make up for it however I could. If nothing else, you deserved an honest effort from me, and I did my best to give you that."
She could feel Anna shaking her head, "Not what I asked. Did you keep your promise, Elsa?"
Elsa bowed her own. "Yes."
"Do you know what I dream about, Elsie? I dream about finding a nice house in California, you know, one of those mansions on the hill or something. One where I've got enough space for a greenhouse and one that's close enough for Kristoff to commute to and stuff, real nice place."
She was dying. Every word ripping her heart into shreds. Would this torture never end?
"But do you know what else I dream about?"
It was pure masochistic denial that led her to reply, "Wh-what?"
"I dream about attending an opening ceremony. There's thousands of people there, too many to count. There's news stations and camera crews and everything's a bit too bright for my taste, but it's perfect because everyone's there to see your new building and I could never be more proud of you."
Elsa's mouth fell open.
"And then, after the ceremony's over, and the mayor's given you the key to the city or something for all of your hard work, we head back home and relax over dinner, maybe watch a movie…maybe we argue about the Chrises for the umpteenth time and drive Kristoff insane, maybe we binge on ice-cream and slip into a food coma…"
She felt a hand on her shoulder, but her eyes were leaking again and she couldn't breathe.
"Point is, I know I never said anything about California, but that's because I figured we'd be together through it all." Anna's warm frame wrapped around her trembling one. "Elsie, you think I don't know how much you've given up for me. You really think I don't know how much you love me."
Elsa could feel Anna's cheek pushing into her back, "You gave up so much for me, Elsa. If I'm anything today, it's all because of you. Those long hours you worked, the ambitions you gave up, the fact that you sold our family company because you chose me over them…you think I really didn't remember all of that?"
Elsa shook her head, "It's not like that, Anna…it's just…"
"I know." Anna replied, "Look. I love you, Elsa. I love you so, so much that I don't want to be apart from you ever again, but I know I have to go to college. You've sacrificed so much for me, just so that I could have this. The least I can do is honor your sacrifice and make the most of my opportunity, right?" She smiled and gently turned her sister around to face her, "But I never intended to stay away, Elsie. In case you forgot, you're my best friend too, you know."
She must have looked a miserable sight, weeping and unable to meet her sister's earnest eyes, but she nodded. "I know. It's stupid of me…"
"No. It's not." Anna looked apologetic. "I never meant to make you feel alone. I never meant to imply I was leaving you, Elsa. The things I said about making new friends and all, the whole not calling you thing, that-that's my fault. I never meant to hurt you like that."
"Anna," Elsa was wiping her cheeks now, and Anna's as well. "You, you shouldn't be apologizing. You're allowed to have a life without me. You should. I'm the one who's…I'm asking for too much, I know I am."
"But I'm not." Anna reached for Elsa's hands, "I want you in my life, Elsa. I need my big sister with me forever. And yes, that makes me selfish, but I don't really care. Because I know I'm nothing without you."
And she could feel herself crying again, but the tears felt different, lighter, freer. "Anna…I-I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything." There was a fire burning in Anna's shining eyes. "Just please don't ever leave me, okay?"
The words were once hers, whispered in her own mind and amid silent tears, but now, upon hearing them spoken aloud from Anna's lips, Elsa felt her heart soar. "O-Okay." She smiled, "I won't ever leave you, Anna. I promise."
Anna's smile was watery, but relieved, "Good, and I promise I'll never leave you too." She chuckled, "Now, you're stuck with me for the rest of your life, you know."
It was stupid, silly even, but Elsa found herself laughing anyway. Laughing and crying and hugging her sister because at last, she no longer felt alone in this big, big world. She no longer worried about her future or feared a life without Anna, because Anna wanted her just as much.
An identical beam crossed her own face. "Oh, I know. I promised, didn't I?"
