.
Chapter title courtesy of Hades.
۵۵۵۵۵
-Chapter Twelve-
Accidents Happen
۵۵۵۵۵
The Traverse Town Trio, as the townspeople had taken to calling the three warriors who so diligently protected them from danger, were currently fulfilling that very duty when the distinctive tone of Sora's keyblade joined the other sounds of battle.
Feet planted firmly on the pavement and gunblade braced in front of him, Leon waited, thoroughly focused and deadly calm, until the Large Body barreling towards him was mere inches away. Then he delivered a perfectly timed blow to the creature's massive belly, stunning it just long enough for Yuffie to finish it off with a well-placed strike of her boomerang to the back of its head. Once the Heartless had been dispatched, Leon turned to greet the young boy, only to find him staring at Cloud with a look of surprise on his winsome face. When, moments later, Sora cried out, "Cloud!" that same look spread to the faces of Leon and Yuffie, as well as the red-caped warrior whom Sora had hailed.
Cloud abruptly stopped what he was doing and returned the stare, completely oblivious to the cluster of Red Nocturnes behind him shooting fiery little missiles at his head. Leon and Yuffie both jumped in to defend his back.
"Sora," Cloud stated with absolute certainty, not a shred of doubt in his mind that the boy running full-speed in his direction was indeed the young keyblade master, though he didn't have the foggiest idea how he knew. Well, other than that giant key in his hands.
It was a wonder the kid didn't trip over his own feet.
"I'm so glad you're okay!" Sora shouted with irrepressible joy and relief, stopping just short of throwing himself on the dumbfounded man. Cloud took a step back and crashed into Leon, who was still standing behind him.
"We were so afraid you were dead, after Cerberus stomped on you and all, and we didn't even have a chance to check on you before that scary silver-haired guy swooped down out of nowhere and carried you off, and we looked everywhere for you but no one could find you – you were just gone – and then we had to go seal Agrabah and Neverland and Halloween Town, and there was this weird underwater world that wasn't even on that map you gave me, Leon, and then we got stuck inside this stupid giant whale, and it took us days and days to get out cause it was like this stupid giant maze, and we must have wandered around for weeks before we finally found a way out or we would have been back a lot sooner – and there was this old guy who was stuck inside too, with this weird wooden puppet who could walk and talk and everything, but we don't know what happened to them after Monstro sneezed us all out cause we couldn't find them either – so we stopped back by the coliseum again on our way back here to see if you had turned up yet back there, but nope, nobody still hadn't seen you, but at least they'd gotten everything all cleaned up from the mess that Cerberus made, and since the coliseum was open again, we decided that as long as we were there, we might as well enter the tournament, and guess what? – WE WON! – and we even got this big trophy and our name on this big billboard and everything – and I was really happy about that, but I wasn't very happy about having to come back here to Traverse Town and tell Aerith that we had found you but then we had lost you again, cause I knew she was just gonna kill me, but HERE YOU ARE!" Sora laughed and flashed Cloud his big, dazzling, Sora smile. "So I guess she already knows all about it, and you're okay, and everything is all right, right?"
Cloud and Leon were both just standing there staring at Sora with identical blank looks on their faces, trying to come up with a coherent response. Cloud failed miserably, his poor, overloaded brain finally coughing up a feeble "Huh?", and Leon didn't do much better; the only response he could think of was 'Run that by me again?' but he wasn't sure he really wanted Sora to run that by him again. He was busy debating the issue in his head when a shrill yell from Yuffie reminded them that they were still in the middle of battle.
"A little help here, guys!" she shouted, and all three of them ran to her aid, temporarily setting aside their confusion in favor of decisive action. Once all of the enemies had been dealt with, they returned to the middle of the square, and the three Traverse Town residents returned their attention to Sora.
"So ... how do you know Cloud?" Leon asked. It seemed like as good a place to start as any.
It was Sora's turn then to be confused. What did Leon mean? 'How did he know Cloud?' Had Cloud forgotten to mention their meeting at the coliseum? Had his little run-in with Hades' three-headed pet somehow slipped his mind?
Or was there some reason he hadn't told the others? Perhaps he didn't want Leon and the others to know about his contract with Hades? Sora cocked his head and looked at Cloud from the new perspective as if that might help him figure out how to respond, but the new perspective didn't have anything more to offer than the old one had.
"Sora?" Leon was still waiting.
Having received no helpful clues or covert cues from Cloud, Sora decided that the safest course of action would be to simply hand the ball back to him and did so with a question of his own. "So, um, how did you get here, anyway?"
Cloud just scratched the back of his neck and stared at his feet.
"Ol' Cloudy-Boy can't remember a thing." Yuffie enlightened Sora with a huge grin, rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet.
"Oh." Still uncertain as to what he should say, Sora also scratched the back of his neck and shuffled his huge yellow shoes. "Well, it's sort of a long story."
Cloud continued to look lost, and Yuffie just looked amused, so Leon, as usual, took the situation into his own competent hands.
"Sora," he stated in his unassuming yet authoritative manner, "go let Merlin know you're back; he's been worried sick, and Yuffie, go get Cid. And pick up some lunch for everybody while you're at it," he added, digging in his pocket for a handful of munny. "Cloud and I will finish up in here, and then we'll all meet back at the house in an hour." Suddenly realizing that Cloud might not care to discuss his personal business in front of everyone else, he added, "Unless you'd rather speak to Sora privately?
Cloud shook his head. "No, that's fine."
"All right, then." Leon nodded to Sora. "We'll see you in an hour."
۵۵۵۵۵
The hour passed quickly, and soon everyone was seated around Leon's living room, tummies filled with noodles from the diner and hearts filled with hope that Sora's story might be able to shed a little light on Cloud's. Sora and Aerith were sitting on the couch with Donald, who had shown up at Leon's door with Goofy only moments before; Cloud was sitting at the table with Yuffie and Cid, and Leon was in his usual spot, leaning against the wall. Goofy, being unaware of the implicit code of etiquette, was sitting in Leon's chair.
Leon gave him the compulsory glare and wondered briefly if he shed, but he couldn't quite bring himself to care. His attention, like everyone else's, was riveted on Sora.
They all listened politely as Sora filled them in on all of the worlds he had sealed since seeing them last, but it was obvious that everyone was anxiously waiting to hear what he had to say about Cloud, so he left out a lot of the details. When he finally reached the part about Olympus Coliseum, everyone sat up a little straighter and leaned forward in their seats; even Leon shifted his weight from one foot to the other and stood a little taller.
The room was hushed as Sora told them about the coliseum, about the preliminary trials and the tournaments and the trophies, about Hades and Hercules and Phil, but when he finally got to the part about fighting Cloud, small gasps of surprise and murmurs of dismay broke out around the room.
"You tried to kill Sora?" Yuffie snorted incredulously.
Cloud hung his head in shame, but Sora immediately jumped to his defense. "No, no, no! It wasn't like that at all; you've got it all wrong!" he cried. "He was supposed to kill me, but he didn't! And he could have." Sora gave Cloud an encouraging smile. "He could have chopped my head clean off, but he didn't; that's why Hades got so mad and turned Cerberus loose."
"So Hades wanted you to take out the keyblade master," Leon surmised, speaking to Cloud. "He must be in cahoots with Maleficent. Do you remember a tall, skinny witch in a long, black robe, with two big horns and a pistachio complexion?"
"Actually," Sora interrupted, before Cloud could answer. "It was Hercules that Hades was really after; I just happened to be in the way." When everyone looked puzzled, Sora explained, "Cloud had a contract with Hades to kill Hercules, but Phil found it after the fight and tore it up. I don't think Maleficent had anything to do with it."
"Why did Hades want me to kill Hercules?"
"Well, according to Phil, Hades really hates Hercules," Sora said. "I guess they go way back. You see, Zeus, who is Hades' big brother and Hercules' father, is the Big Kahuna up on Mount Olympus, and Hades hates Zeus because he wanted to be the Big Kahuna up on Mount Olympus, but Zeus made him the lowly god of the underworld instead, so when Hercules–"
"We get the picture," Leon cut him off. "Hades wants to get back at Zeus, but to get back to Cloud–"
"Who's Cerberus?" Aerith interrupted Leon.
"He's a humongous, three-headed dog with really sharp teeth," Sora said, waving his arms about. "He's Hades' pet."
"So he sicced the son of a bitch on Cloud for not wastin' your ass," Cid summed up.
"Right," Sora said, beginning to get a little frustrated with all the interruptions. "So, Cerberus came out and stomped him flat," he continued, "and he would have been a real goner if Hercules hadn't showed up in the nick of time and shoved the heavy beast off his body, but be–"
"Well, that would certainly explain all your bruises," Aerith interrupted again, looking at Cloud. "Though now I'm even more amazed you didn't have any broken bones ... Did you guys heal him?" she asked, turning back to Sora and Donald.
"As I was just about to say before you interrup–"
"Hey, that's right," Yuffie butted in. "How come he didn't have any broken bones?"
Sora huffed with such force that it ruffled his auburn spikes. "Are you guys going to let me tell the story?"
"Sorry," everybody mumbled in unison.
"So – as I was saying – before Donald or Goofy or I could even get to him, this guy with long, silver hair – Phil said his name was Zephir, or Zephyros, or something like that, and that he worked for Hades too–"
"What?" Cloud jumped up, forgetting all about not interrupting. "Sephiroth and I were working together?"
"Well, I don't know if you were working together, only that you both worked for Hades."
"Do you know why I was working for Hades?"
"To kill Hercules." Sora reiterated. Geez, was anybody even listening to him?
"Right, but I mean ... why?" Cloud sagged back down to the couch, deflating like a week-old balloon before their very eyes. "Why would I agree to kill Hercules?"
It was spoken so softly that Sora wasn't sure if Cloud was asking him or searching his own soul for the answer, but he did what he could to help the man find it. "Phil mentioned something about a light? Said the contract stilpulate, uh stalpultate, uh–"
"Stipulated," Leon supplied.
"Right! It stiple ... uh, it said that Hades was supposed to help you find somebody."
"Did it say who?" Cloud asked quietly, but Sora only shook his head.
"So what about Sephiroth?" Aerith asked.
He swooped down out of nowhere and carried Cloud off, and nobody's seen either one of them since – I mean, had seen either one since – until I found Cloud here, that is."
"So, Sephiroth healed him and then brought him to Traverse Town?" Yuffie wondered out loud.
"And then sliced him up with the Masamune?" Cid scoffed. "Now that makes a helluva lot of sense."
Cloud shook his head in confusion. None of it made any sense. Had he been looking for Tifa? Or perhaps he was trying to find Vincent? Another fragment of memory flashed in his mind of that big blue guy – so that was Hades – handing him Vincent's cape and saying something about 'a little reminder of what'll happen if you fail to complete your contract'. Cloud shook his head again, more forcefully this time and out of frustration as a wave of fear for Vincent's life washed over him.
"So, where is this coliseum?" he asked quietly, looking from Leon to Sora and then back to Leon again. Leon shrugged and looked at Sora.
Sora stood up and dug a well-worn, crumpled piece of paper out of his back pocket and handed it to Leon after smoothing out the wrinkles the best he could. "It's practically right next door!" he said, pointing to one of the worlds that Donald had added to the map with a bright blue marker. "I can't believe you missed it."
Leon studied the map that he and Merlin had drawn up to help Sora and his companions in their travels, then handed it back to Sora after several minutes. "Well, I guess we didn't explore thoroughly enough in that direction," he admitted with a shrug. "Odd that none of the other refugees mentioned it either."
"Yeah, well, we probably wouldn't have found it either if somebody–" Sora shot a pointed look at Donald, adding a muttered, "who refused to let me drive," under his breath, "–hadn't taken a wrong turn on the the way to Agrabah and ended up in a warp hole that threw us all the way back to the coliseum." Donald opened his beak to say something snippy, but a fierce look from Leon evidently changed his mind, for he promptly snapped it shut again. Lost in their own somber thoughts, nobody else had anything more to say either.
Nobody but Yuffie, that is. "So when's the next tournament?" she chirped.
۵۵۵۵۵
That evening, Leon's little house was practically bursting at the seams with people; in addition to the group that had been in attendance for their earlier meeting, Merlin and Fairy Godmother had joined them as well, making ten people total – if Donald and Goofy counted as people – and they were all staying for dinner.
Leon's patience was about ready to burst at the seams as well. One more raspy squawk from Donald or dopey guffaw from Goofy ought to do it.
In desperate need of a little peace and quiet, he left the gaggle of gabbing guests in the living room and retreated to the kitchen. Aerith was humming at the counter as she buttered a basket of bread. Leon acknowledged her with a curt nod and set about gathering an assortment of vegetables from the fridge to make a salad to go with the pot of chili she had prepared for dinner. Several minutes later, he was stationed at the cutting board with an onion and some radishes, a bell pepper, a cucumber and a tomato, as well as lettuce, all washed and ready to slice, dice or shred.
With his hands thus occupied, his mind was free to wander, and it soon wandered to wondering whether Donald and Goofy ate regular people food or whether something special would have to be prepared just for them. Knowing that Aerith had likely already thought of that problem, as well as resolved it, his mind then moved on to a much more disturbing dilemma: Goofy actually eating that food. He tried to tell himself that he simply wouldn't look, but he knew that sooner or later, morbid curiosity would drive his eyes to that large, gaping mouth. It was like trying not to look at road kill.
He would just have to make certain he didn't get stuck at the same table as the duck and the dog, he told himself, which then led to wondering whether everyone would be allowed to sit wherever they wanted, or if Aerith would assign the seating. Had it been a large, official banquet for important political persons, Leon would have known exactly what to expect; Squall had been trained to handle such eventualities. But a small, informal dinner party of friends? Leon didn't have a clue.
He supposed he could just ask her...
Or he could just skip dinner altogether and eat an apple in his room.
Or maybe he and Cloud could eat at the little table in the kitchen...
He was just about to suggest as much when Goofy, think of the devil, beat him to it. He had come into the kitchen to ask if there was anything he could do to help, and when he noticed the small table, he graciously volunteered to eat in the kitchen with Donald since there weren't enough places for everyone in the living room.
Leon's heartfelt relief was heartlessly snuffed out by Aerith when she insisted that no one was eating in the kitchen and promptly made them move the little table, along with its two accompanying chairs, into the other room. That still only made a total of six places, however, so Merlin magicked in his own table as well, along with four additional chairs, making space in Leon's living room for the extra furniture by temporarily storing Leon's chair in his bag. Once they had the needed number of seats, Aerith, as Leon had suspected, proceeded to fill them.
Prudently separating Cid from both Yuffie and Merlin, she told him to just stay put where he was and directed Cloud and Leon to join him, conveniently leaving the fourth spot at their regular dining table for herself. Feeling that it would be rude to isolate their two anthropomorphic guests, she had Donald and Goofy take a seat at Merlin's table with him and Fairy Godmother, which left the table from the kitchen for Yuffie and Sora.
Leon quickly nabbed one of the seats facing away from the indigestion-inducing duo, but alas, the damage had already been done by his own overactive imagination. Unfortunately, his appetite was not to be the only thing spoiled that evening.
While Aerith was serving the chili, and Yuffie passed out the salad and bread, Merlin dug down deep in his magic bag and pulled out some fine crystal goblets, along with a bottle of fine vintage wine that he had been saving for just such an occasion. At Leon's disapproving frown, Merlin admonished him gently, "Oh, come on, Leon; it's only one little bottle." One little bottle which turned out to be as bottomless as his bag.
Sora and Yuffie, protesting loudly, were forbidden from imbibing, and Donald and Leon priggishly declined. Goofy eagerly reached for a glass, but Donald sent him a glare that rivaled Leon's and swatted away his outstretched hand, while Cloud, torn by the obvious battle of wills going on between Leon and Merlin – and unable to decide which one of the two was more intimidating – hesitantly accepted a glass which he sipped very slowly throughout dinner. Cid complained profusely and profanely about the wizard's choice of alcoholic refreshment, ("Real men drink whiskey, goddammit, not this pansy-ass shit.") but that didn't stop him from proceeding to get shit-faced, along with Aerith, Merlin, and especially, Fairy Godmother.
Fairy Godmother, romantic soul and sentimental drunk that she was, began to reminisce, recounting her misty-eyed Cinderella tale of elegant ballrooms and beautiful gowns, of handsome prince charmings and sleek white horses and dainty glass slippers. Cid and Yuffie rolled their eyes; Cloud and Sora listened politely, and Leon scowled. Merlin just looked bored, as if he had heard it all before – many, many times – but Aerith fell completely under her spell.
"I wish I had a fairy godmother," she sighed dreamily, "and a fine, fancy ballroom gown."
Well, 'No sooner said than done,' thought the kindhearted old woman, and with a "Bibbidi-Bobbodi-Boo" and a wave of her wand, she tossed a Total Transformation Spell at her favorite flower child. Unfortunately, her inebriated aim was rather off, and it went sailing right past Aerith to land instead on the poor, unfortunate soul seated beside her, who just happened to be the lovely–
"Leona!" Yuffie screamed and burst into laughter.
With a look of utter shock on his very pretty face – long, mascaraed lashes fluttering in confusion and perfectly plucked eyebrows raised in alarm – Leon jumped up from the table, overturning everyone's wine, and stared down at his torso. Gone was his comforting black leather, and in its place was a long, slinky, silver lamé evening gown, which was slit seductively up one side and had a fluffy fur neckline that loosely draped his bare shoulders. His beloved (and manly) Griever had been replaced with a dazzling ice-blue topaz necklace and matching earrings (which also matched his ice-blue blizzaga eyes) and a dainty, bejeweled tiara sparkled in his silky, upswept hair.
He raised his arms, which were now covered in elegant, white satin gloves, in a gesture that clearly conveyed 'What the fuck?', followed immediately by the verbal expression of the same sentiment from his astonished ruby-red lips. He had gotten no further than "What the –" before the rest of the room reacted.
"Holy Shit!" Cid shouted and slapped his thigh, and even Sora, in spite of being a little dismayed by the sight of his most-admired hero in drag, couldn't hold back a soft expletive and a snicker. Aerith made a valiant, but futile, effort to conceal her mirth behind her hands, but Cloud didn't even have the decency to try. He let out a raucous barroom whistle and broke out in a huge, shit-eating grin, thanking his lucky stars that, for once, it wasn't him.
By this time,Yuffie had resorted to whooping and hollering obnoxiously, Goofy added his annoying 'Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck' to the mayhem mix, and Donald let loose with his grating cackle; his stubby little tail bobbing madly up and down.
Merlin took one look at Leon's face and feared for Fairy Godmother's life. The gunblader's eyes were now narrowed to livid little slits, and his brows were no longer raised in consternation, but rather shooting down so sharply that they mirrored the slant of his scar, like three slender, deadly, diagonal daggers.
"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear," the poor woman fretted, wringing her hands.
"Fix it," Leon hissed from between clenched pearly whites.
"It'll wear off at midnight?" she offered fearfully.
"Now," he demanded.
"I... I c-can't. I don't kn-know how," she stammered. "No one's ever requested I reverse it before."
"It wasn't a request," Leon said so quietly that it instantly hushed the whole room.
"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear," she repeated tearfully. "Well, let's see then, um, how about Boo, Bobbodi, Bibbidi!" She tried simply reversing the order of the words, but nothing happened, so she then tried completely reversing the letters themselves. "Oob, Idobbob, Idibbib!", but Leon was still standing there looking like a pretty princess. Becoming increasingly discombobulated, she began spouting off various incantations such as, "Ippidi Oppidi, Boppidi", and, "Oboppidi, Poppidi, Boop", all with no results. In one last desperate attempt, she frantically waved her magic wand and shouted out, "Oobidi, Boobidi, Bop!"
The room grew deathly quiet, and Fairy Godmother's hand flew to her mouth, followed by another, muffled, "Oh my dear." Leon smacked his forehead and squeezed his eyes shut, as if that could make everything go away.
Finally gathering enough courage, he peeked through white satin fingers at the silent room around him to find, as feared, everyone's eyes wide open and glued to his chest. Very slowly, and with great trepidation, he allowed his own gaze to follow the other's downward until it came to rest at last on his very ample bosom, which heaved ponderously when he let out a very girlish gasp. Covering his crotch protectively with both hands, (and relieved to find himself still intact) he turned to the terrified woman now cowering behind Merlin. "Not another word," he whispered, "just ... don't say another word."
"Oh dear," she whimpered timorously to Merlin's back. "I knew I shouldn't have said Boobidi."
"Holy shit," Cid repeated, elbowing Cloud in the ribs. "Now there's a rack that rivals Tifa's!"
With head held high and what dignity he could muster, Leon picked up his plate from the table and attempted to make a beeline for the kitchen, but he didn't get far before Cloud jumped in front of him, blocking his path.
"Now, now, Princess," Cloud said with a very roguish grin, gently pulling the plate from Leon's hands and returning it to the table. "We wouldn't want you to soil your lovely gloves."
"Shut up, Strife," Leon snarled, shoving the now much-shorter man aside, "or I'll get Fairy Godmother to fix you up next; I bet you'd look just smashing in a royal-blue brocade." Then he attempted to stomp off to his room, which wasn't easy to do in three-inch stilettos, and ended up in Cloud's arms instead.
"You know, if you wanted to dance," Cloud chuckled, "all you had to do was ask." Then he leaned in close and whispered in Leon's ear. "After all, you're the best looking girl here." Leon pulled back a few inches and stared at Cloud with a combination of disbelief and horror on his face.
"What?" Cloud asked, the smirk instantly disappearing from his own face at the look on Leon's.
"Nothing, just ... nothing. Dejà vu." Leon muttered, followed by a deep, weary sigh. He wobbled over to the couch, where he promptly collapsed in a pitiful heap, and buried his face in his hands.
Cloud felt kind of bad for the man as he watched him walk away, but that didn't stop him from ogling the way the slinky fabric clung to his hips. Thank the gods, Fairy Godmother's spell hadn't done anything to Leon's delectable derriere.
Cloud was torn from his contemplation of Leon's lovely ass when the rest of room abruptly began bustling about, clearing off the tables and putting things away. Yuffie and Goofy carried the little table back to the kitchen – the old-fashioned way – while Merlin sent his own table and chairs marching back into his bag and returned Leon's chair to its proper place. Then he and Fairy Godmother bid everyone goodnight and made a hasty retreat.
Donald and Goofy departed soon after, and Leon was too depressed to even notice when Sora sat down in his chair, still staring with fascination – and perhaps a small amount of lust – at his favorite hero...ine. Cloud joined Leon on the couch and patted him on the knee. "There, there now, honey," he said consolingly. "You only have another two and a half hours to go."
Leon wasn't consoled at all and slapped Cloud's hand away.
Cid made his way over and stared lewdly at Leon's chest. "You know, Leon, if I were you, I'd go enjoy them tits while I had 'em."
Leon raised his head and stared at Cid incredulously, unable to believe he had heard the old coot correctly, and Sora let out a disgusted, "Eww," though a hint of curiosity flashed through his eyes. He was fourteen after all.
Cloud answered for all three of them. "Cid, that's just sick."
"Well, shit, wouldn't you at least like to take a peek at them puppies? I say you're wastin' the goddamn golden opportunity of a lifetime here, Leon."
Leon removed one of his slippers and threw it at him.
Unfortunately for Cid, Leon's aim was much truer than Fairy Godmother's, and it smacked him right in middle of his face, the pointed little heel leaving a perfectly round indentation right in the middle of his forehead. Then it fell to the floor and shattered into a thousand sharp little shards.
"Stupid Fairy Godmother," Leon muttered, staring at the mess on the floor. "What kind of moron makes a shoe out of glass?"
He started to heave himself off the sofa to clean it up, but a strong hand on his shoulder gently pulled him back. "I'll get it," Cloud said, with no trace of his earlier teasing.
Leon nodded gratefully and attempted a weak smile. Cloud's hand was warm on his shoulder, and its familiar touch was the only comforting constant on this strange and unsettling night. "I think I'll just go sleep it off," he said meekly, rising unsteadily from the couch. With one shoe on and one shoe off, lopsided and tottering, he clip-clumped his way to his bedroom to lie down.
His back was killing him.
