Warnings at the bottom of the chapter.
Chapter Fourteen:
Beautiful and Pale
Her birds were dead, so Johanna sang only for herself.
She had a plan, once. When she escaped, she was going to take her birds with her. Then release them into the world. If Johanna was free, they should be, too. Of course, she would miss them very much. But they would be free and she would see them again. They could meet every Saturday for tea (which made her think of two birds holding up miniature teacups and sipping out of them, saying things like, "Yes, this is very fine tea, Miss Barker," or "The flowers look even better this season, don't you think?").
Their names were Daisy and Shrewsbury Cake. Johanna didn't intend to name her bird Shrewsbury Cake. It was afternoon tea and when Turpin gifted them to her; she was taking a rather large, unladylike bite of the sweet. She swallowed. But Johanna only had one name picked out for a bird and that was Daisy. She called it "Shrewsbury Cake" for now. She would come up with a better name later. Johanna never did. Once she turned fourteen, she realized the name would never change. It didn't matter to her, she'd grown fond of the name "Shrewsbury Cake". Turpin, however, thought it was too silly for a young lady like herself.
With a sigh, Johanna picked up the baby blanket pattern again. She didn't want to go downstairs. She didn't want to face the rest of humanity. Not right now, at least. She would go down to work later.
From the corner of her eye, she saw the sun going down. Johanna worked all day, stopping only to rest her hands and stretch her fingers. She continued into the night. A flickering candle illuminated a corner of space, casting shadows on the wall when she looked. She didn't stop sewing.
Not until daylight, when she held a completed blanket in her hands.
It was a simple design. Flowers and bright dots. In the center, Johanna used her knowledge from embroidered samplers to embroider two birds. Free as they traveled the skies.
She named them Almond Pudding and Quinomie Cake. This time, however, she did not plan to ever change their names.
Johanna held the blanket over her belly. Already desperate to wrap her craft around a baby. She stretched out her wore arms across the bed as she climbed in. She tucked the baby blanket around herself.
A beggar entered the shop.
Nellie glanced up from the counter, where she'd been looking over a lady's magazine, (there was a good article about living by the sea in this one, otherwise Nellie wouldn't have picked it up), leaning her head on her palm. She straightened her posture and pursed her lips. She began to call out to Toby to get her out of here, but the beggar spoke first.
"Where's the lil' miss?"
"Little what now?"
Nellie grabbed her rolling pin and neared the woman. She rested one side of the tool in the open claw of her hand. The beggar yawned with a frog-like croak.
"The lil' miss!" The beggar made it sound like Nellie was the idiot. "Brings me a pie some days. Good one, that one is."
"Who?"
"Lil' miss. Lil' one with the yellow 'air."
The beggar screeched. She tugged on the ends of her greasy hair. Then pointed a jagged hand at Nellie.
"My name it is Maria, a merchant's daughter fair-"
And she sang. Croaking and shrieking. Nellie dropped part of the rolling pin to clasp a hand over the beggar's lips. The customers sent strange glances their way. The beggar struggled, but Nellie didn't loosen her grip. The beggar bit her finger, forcing her to release the madwoman. Nellie raised her rolling pin.
"Li'le Miss!" she screamed, "Li'le Missy!"
"Wait." Nellie stopped. "You don't mean Johanna, do you?"
"Johanna? Johanna, her name is?"
The beggar clapped.
"Shut it up!"
"Johanna! Little Missy Johanna! Johanna, miss."
Nellie swung her rolling pin loosely, as a warning. The beggar coward, raising her hands to protect herself.
"Miss Todd's been giving ya pies?"
Nellie didn't need clarification. Her scowl deepened.
"Toby!" she called. When he arrived, Nellie ran a hand through his hair. "Throw the old woman out, would ya?"
Toby was used to the order. Diligently, he threw his rag at the beggar. She blocked herself. With a last look at the shop, the beggar left.
Nellie stormed upstairs, passing Mr. Todd's shop. She caught a bit of the tune he was whistling as he shaved some gentleman's throat. Oh, how she wished he would finish the poor man off and give him to her to serve. She missed those days. Good ones, they were, and she'd do anything to catch them again.
She threw the door open to the Barkers's former apartment.
Johanna was still in bed. Really, at this hour? She clutched a little fabric thing to her chest with her other hand rested on her lower abdomen. Her expression was tight as the grip she had on that thing. It took her a moment to notice Nellie standing at the door. She crossed her arms over her chest.
"Oh, my apologies, Mrs. Lovett," she said in a weak tone, "Mrs. Thomas - my midwife warned me I might be feeling pains like that now. I suppose that's one of those sacrifices you have to make." She gave a pained chuckle. "Anything wrong, Mrs. Lovett? If you need me downstairs, I can be ready in-"
"Don't give my pies away," Nellie said, "They aren't yours to hand out for free to just anyone. Especially beggar folk. They ain't a good crowd."
For a moment, Johanna didn't answer. Her nostrils flared. A light moan escaped her. She breathed deeper.
"I apologize, Mrs. Lovett. It's just she seemed so . . . well, lost. Alone. She doesn't have anyone or anything. I felt-"
"Well, stop acting on those feelings you might 'ave and start serving my customers," Nellie snapped.
Johanna pressed her fist to her lips. Not in pain this time. She stared at Nellie with those big, round eyes. Well, she might have won her father over and even Anthony (a sailor boy, good fun, but not stable enough yet), but looks like that would not make Nellie sway. Even a tad. In fact, those hurt eyes made Nellie jut up her chin a bit. She shook her head.
"I'm sorry, ma'am." Johanna pressed her hand harder into her belly. "I'll be down in a moment."
Nellie nodded. She nearly slammed the door. She would've had it not been for the unstable walls. Even Albert, when he was alive, was worried about the ceiling coming crashing in.
As promised, Johanna joined her not long after. Dressed in a pretty brown thing with a high neckline. It almost exaggerated her belly and how wide it was getting. Nellie couldn't recall the days she could wear pretty things like that, if those times existed at all. Mrs. Lovett handed her a plate full of steaming pies. Johanna cowered slightly, with the added weight. But she continued to smile at the customers as she served them.
Once or twice, Nellie caught Johanna leaning on a table. Clasping at her stomach with tight lips. She recovered or pretended to, for the customer's sakes. Putting on a smile, tight smile when she carried their order over.
No one claimed Nellie was giving her more work than usual. Not Nellie herself or Johanna. Some, however, threw concerned looks her way.
"Glad to see the girl's back," one man said to Nellie, leaning on the counter as he adjusted his hold on his cane, "She's always a delight to see."
Speaking of the girl, Nellie looked her way. Johanna was having one of those "episodes", which Nellie was quick to roll her eyes out. She prepared to say something nasty to the man, but Johanna met her gaze and smiled.
Curse God for making her look so much like Lucy.
"She'll be 'ere every day we're open, sir," Nellie said instead, "Come again."
Even if it is just to see the brat. It's still good for business.
The last customers of the day were heading out and Nellie was speaking a mile-a-minute to them before they turned around the street. Mr. Todd's client (alive, she noted, with sinking disappointment) came down the stairs, followed by the barber himself. He stopped when he noticed Johanna. Mr. Todd glanced at the client as a farewell and took to Johanna. The way he held her around her shoulders made Nellie want to beat her hands with the rolling pin and curse herself, God and life in general. Father and daughter spoke in whispers. Nellie attempted to listen in, as she passed by, cleaning up the shop (cleaning wasn't the right word for stuttering around and moving the occasional item, but anything gave). When she looked over her shoulder, Mr. Todd's features flashed red.
"Really, sir, it's alright," Johanna said once, "I hadn't worked in days and I knew Mrs. Lovett needed the help."
'Knew Mrs. Lovett needed the help,' Nellie wished to mock out loud. Her head would have to do for now. Needing help, her foot. Nellie ran this business for years without Johanna's help. Nellie was perfectly capable on her own. The only reason she demanded Johanna's help today was that Johanna had enough time sitting around and doing nothing. Men had toyed with Nellie before. None went as far as the man who approached Johanna the other day (who also made a most delightful pie, might she add), but Nellie girded up her loins and went about life. She didn't get stuck in her own weak mind for that long. She didn't commit suicide. She didn't spend all day in bed after not showing up to work the previous day. What excuse did Johanna have?
"Mrs. Lovett."
Mr. Todd's tone was grave. She ignored it and turned herself around, enjoying the way her skies twirled with her around her legs and showing off a bit of stocking.
"Another good day, Mr. T," Nellie said, "All good things-"
"Clearly not for all of us."
Nellie's eyes flickered to Johanna, who was slowly pilling dishes on top of each other. Johanna looked up at her, then noticing Nellie watching, faced the other direction.
"What do ya want from me, Mr. Todd?" Nellie brushed off her skirts. "Like I said before, today was like rush hour from opening to closing."
Mr. Todd took a long step toward her. "Yes, but, you needed the help of a pregnant, hurt seventeen-year-old?"
"Hurt? From what? Nothing's bad happened to the girl. It didn't go far enough to-"
Mr. Todd became a vulture, clawing his hand over her throat. Mrs. Lovett gasped.
"Far enough, Mrs. Lovett? Oh. I didn't realize. Then I suppose I should just tell my girl to shut up when I hear her crying all night and scold her for flinching when I touch her?" He tightened his grip slightly. "For all your delusions of a family, you do not treat mine well enough."
With that, he released her. Nellie's hand flew to her collarbone. Johanna left the room. Mr. Todd warned her with another glance before joining his daughter. On their way up, Nellie could hear,
"It's fine, really. Mrs. Thomas says it's perfectly normal right now . . ."
Nellie remembered in clear color her daydreams of carrying Mr. Todd's child. Back when Lucy was pregnant. With her rounded belly and glimmer in her eye, Lucy claimed she was wider than a cow. Even though she was just as lovely; if lot even more lovely in Mr. Todd's eyes. Nellie imagined herself in Lucy's place. How Mr. Todd would fawn over her. Usually, Lucy didn't exist in those daydreams. But once or twice, Nellie had her married off to Albert and miserable; as Nellie enjoyed life with her husband, Mr. Todd and their child.
They were silly dreams. Yet Nellie wished upon a star they would come true someday. She almost had her chance once. It was long gone. Even still, Nellie found her imagining that little family they'd be. On the beach. Toby making sandcastles. Mr. Todd's hand on her knee. Johanna, of course, was out of the picture. Just as Lucy was always out of the picture. Out of her daydreams.
Once upon a time, Johanna was part of her picture-perfect family. Back before Nellie knew Johanna. When she could handle her and she wasn't so much like Lucy.
Oh, well.
Nellie took out her wet rag and indulged in foolish dreams.
Warnings: Mentions of animal death
