Warnings at the bottom of the chapter.
Chapter Fifteen:
Blind With What I Can't Forget
They needed a portrait, or at least something, for Johanna to look at every day and remember Anthony while he was at sea. He would look very nice in a painting, she thought. She only had one of herself. It had hung in Judge Turpin's office since she was twelve. She didn't want it back or want another of herself alone, but a portrait of herself and Anthony posing together as a married couple would be nice.
"Good morning, Anthony," she would say, climbing out of bed, "I trust that you're doing well?"
But for now, Johanna kissed his letters and smelled the sea air drifting off of them. She could hear Mrs. Lovett downstairs and Toby chatting away. With a small smile, Johanna dressed and found her way downstairs.
Mr. Todd warned her to not overwork herself and to rest when she needed to. Johanna suspected that when she ducked into the storage room, he confronted Mrs. Lovett. This morning she felt fine. Yesterday she pushed through. She could do that again today, if necessary.
"Good morning, Mrs. Lovett," she greeted.
Mrs. Lovett didn't answer.
Everyone had their off days. Though it seemed like Mrs. Lovett had at least fifteen each month.
"Are you faring well?" Johanna asked.
Mrs. Lovett grunted in response. Johanna nodded, as if Mrs. Lovett had answered her question, unsure of how to reply.
Johanna greeted the first customers. Soon the shop was full of starving customers. As Johanna cleared a table, someone grazed her arm. She froze. Icy fear sourced through her. Not him, please. Not him. It had to be a normal customer. A normal customer. It wasn't.
With a sequel, she threw her arms around Anthony.
"Did you miss me?" he asked, kissing her cheek.
"Of course, I did! I missed you so much. I thought I might die."
Anthony hesitated. "Did you get my letter?"
She nodded. Johanna released a silent sigh.
"It's all right. I understand," she said, caressing his cheek, "You were upset."
He broke into a relieved smile. Johanna took his arm and escorted him to a table. Anthony helped her into a chair and sat across from her. Johanna tilted her head, noticing the look Mrs. Lovett sent her.
"Where were you off to?" Johanna asked.
"Norway." He grimaced. "It's freezing."
"I'll cross that one off the list then."
They laughed. One day, they might have a list of all the places they would go.
Johanna grabbed his hand.
"How have you been?" Anthony knelt in front of her belly and lowered his tone. "And how have you been?"
Johanna laughed. "I've been feeling a few kicks and flutters. Nothing too noticeable. But he's in there, alright."
"He?" Anthony stood and leaned back in his seat. "I thought you couldn't tell until they were born."
"Technically, you can't. But Mrs. Thomas showed me a method she trusts in. You take your ring." Johanna removed hers. "And you take a string of hair." She moved through her locks before tugging on a single strand. Anthony winced. "You rope your ring around the hair." She did so with some difficulty. "Then you-" She handed it to Anthony. "Hang it over my stomach." Johanna directed his hands to the right place. "If it moves in a straight line, it's a girl. But-" The ring moved. "If it goes in a circle - like that - it's a boy."
"A boy." Anthony helped her up and slid the ring back on her finger. He beamed. "We're having a boy!"
"I know!"
"Little Leicester."
She's forgotten about that. The silly name. Well, at least they wouldn't have to think of a girl's name. The name Leicester made her cringe. She began to say something, but Anthony looked so pleased and his eyes had little wrinkles around them from grinning. Johanna mentally sighed. Another time. Besides, she might grow to like the name "Leicester" by then. Although she still shivered at the thought.
"I wish I had news as good as that," Anthony said, rising. He sighed.
"You have news?"
He gave a firm nod. "I'm afraid. We just got word that we'll be out more often. Which means more funds, but . . ."
"You won't be here." Sinking disappointment sore through her. "That's alright, Anthony, all that matters is you're here for when the baby's born."
"And I will. I promise, Jo."
"Johanna!" Mrs. Lovett shouted, pointing.
Johanna followed her finger to where it was pointing to. Her stomach hardened. There it was. The dark corner of the shop. Where the man was. In a daze, Johanna stood, nodding. She grabbed the ale and brought it over.
"Thanks, miss."
She stared blankly in front of her and nodded.
She turned away, bumping into someone. Johanna flinched.
"Johanna? Are you alright?"
Anthony.
Oh, goodness. She had to tell him. She had to tell him about that man. Her fingertips made contact with her collarbone, reminding her.
She didn't want to burden him. Besides, it was Johanna's own fault. She should have fought. She should have done something instead of freezing up over it. She was freezing up now. Johanna blinked, barely feeling anything. Tell him. Tell him now. Don't be dramatic. It was nothing. Remember. Nothing.
Anthony laid a soft hand on her shoulder.
"Johanna?"
She feared if she moved, she would collapse.
Johanna fingered his shoulder. Everyone around her was chatting. Everyone was glad.
Johanna's knees buckled.
What was she doing? Just tell him!
She leaned into him, clutching his chest. Anthony ran a gentle hand through her hair. Anthony rubbed circles on her back and kissed her scalp. Johanna could feel his head moving, scanning around for whatever caused this. Caused for his wife to go limp as a dead fish and collapse.
Remember, everything was normal. Act casual, Johanna. Don't make a fuss. Anthony had enough to worry about. She didn't need to pile up on his plate.
Tell him.
She parted her lips. Her mouth was dry, so she swallowed. It hardly helped.
"There was a man," Johanna said. Her voice tightened like one of her stitches on a sampler. She closed her eyes. Hopefully Anthony wouldn't notice. It wasn't too noticeable, after all. Right?
Anthony looked down at her. "What?"
The concern in his voice ran as deep as dirt. She hated it. This was not how it was supposed to do. Johanna was supposed to be calm. She had to tell Anthony, but she wouldn't weep.
Just continue.
"And he, well, uh." Johanna wetted her lips again. The pause seemed to last forever. "He tried to take me away."
The skin on her arms twinged as she thought about it. His hands there. Dragging her out the door. As she was helpless. Too shocked to understand what was going on.
"Johanna, what? I-I-"
Stop him.
Johanna gave a weak chuckle. "He didn't get far. Other women - other people have been much less fortunate." Look him in the eye now, assure him it's all right, she thought. But she couldn't. "It's me whose the terrible one. I should've done something. Any-"
"No, you're not." Anthony's voice was firmer than she ever heard it before, yet it was comforting. "Not at all. You're the least terrible thing in this world."
Johanna chuckled again. The same humorless laugh. When she glanced his way, she realized her hand was still hanging from his collar. Though Johanna didn't remove it.
"Johanna, what happened? Who tried to take you?"
She could only shake her head, for her voice was too watery now to tell him she didn't know. Anthony tilted her head, so she looked at him. Johanna smiled. When Turpin kept her locked away in her room, she hardly smiled. Grinning - even a little - was hard to muster. Even then, Johanna's smiles were sad. But she knew the way she smiled now was weaker than before. Then the times she had nothing to smile for.
"Jo . . ."
Anthony's eyebrows shifted. Johanna looked away again as tears sprung to her eyes. She rubbed them away, using her free hand. Anthony's hand laid at her waist, she realized. To catch her.
"Johanna, what happened?"
When she didn't answer, Anthony asked,
"Would you like to go upstairs?"
No. Johanna wanted to stay in the shop. She was already miserable. Why shouldn't she punish herself further? Besides, she ruined the way this conversation was supposed to go.
Johanna nodded.
Anthony didn't hesitate. He moved one shaking hand to his waist, to sturdy her up the stairs. He said something to Mrs. Lovett. Johanna looked away, wiping away her unshed tears with the back of her hand. Anthony swept her away as discreetly as possible. He helped her onto the bed. Holding her.
"Can you tell me what happened?" Anthony asked again.
They were away from the shop. Clearly, this was the only way she could tell him now. That was all right. Johanna could manage.
"There was a man."
Her tone was low. Anthony could hear it fine. Johanna didn't have the strength to make herself louder and prove how much her voice was shaking. She didn't watch his expression turn.
There. Good start. Now go on.
"Yes?"
"He . . ." She began again, "Shortly after you left, there was a man. He asked me who I was. So I told him I was some help for Mrs. Lovett. He asked me why and . . . He just took me." Johanna squeezed her upper arm where his hand was. "He, uh." She paused, taking a moment to think back. The knife. "He had a knife. At my back. I was just so . . . so . . ."
"Dizzy?"
Johanna nodded. "But don't worry. Don't worry. Mr. Todd was there. And he . . . he stopped him. I'm still h-here, after all." A chuckle ripped out of her dry throat. "It was my fault. Really. I shouldn't have let him. I should of done . . . something."
Anthony wiped away a tear. "It's not your fault at all."
"I should've-"
"No, Johanna." He tilted her chin up. "It's not your fault. You couldn't have done anything and he was an evil man."
How was he so calm?
"But-"
"Johanna, believe me. Don't let this guilt eat you alive. It wasn't your fault. I don't see you any differently for being attacked by an evil man."
"You don't hate me?"
He kissed her tears. "Never, Jo, never."
Johanna stopped. Everything stopped.
And then there was relief.
Pouring from every vein. It pulsed through her blood. From her heart to her toes. She was relieved. Anthony didn't hate her. Even after she told him.
Johanna smiled - a real one this time - and closed her eyes.
Sweeney didn't expect Anthony to walk into his shop again. Yet, the boy was here. A certain energy buzzing off of him. Here to confront Sweeney about something Johanna said again. Sweeney began, but Anthony stopped him.
"What happened to him?"
This was the first time Sweeney had seen the boy angry before. He was emotional, but never furious. The opposite of himself in that respect. It was almost nice to see him this angry.
"To who?"
"That man." He clenched his hand. "The one who hurt Johanna."
So she'd told him, then.
"Him?" Sweeney glanced at the barber's seat, remembering how the body tumbled down and landed with a crack. "You won't have to worry about him anymore."
Anthony paused. He nodded. Falsely assuming Sweeney had him arrested. (Sweeney's best guess, at least.) He thanked him and showed himself out. Sweeney stopped the door with his foot, calling Anthony back in.
"Johanna told you?" he clarified.
"Yes."
Sweeney released a breath. "What did she say?'
Anthony glanced at the wall where she was now. He straightened his posture. Making eye contact with Sweeney.
"It's not my story to tell."
When Johanna opened her eyes, there were stars and Anthony.
His arm was curled around her waist. She curled into to his embrace. Her muscles were sore from sleeping fully dressed. As Johanna studied Anthony, she realized he'd done the same. He looked down at her with a small smile.
"What time is it?" Johanna asked.
"It looks somewhere between three and four in the morning."
She snuggled into him and adjusted herself so her head rested on his chest. She traced a finger along his jawline.
"The stars are beautiful tonight," Johanna rasped.
Anthony looked away and into the window. He arched his neck. "They are." He paused and kissed her cheek. "They remind me of a tradition among sailors."
"What's that?'
"Well, they share a star with their girls. Their wives or even the woman they'll never see again. Not that I'll never see you again, but, well, um . . ." Anthony cleared his throat. "I was thinking one night that maybe we should have one."
"Oh, Anthony, yes!" Johanna scanned the skies and pointed to one. "How about that one?"
"Too hard to find."
"Well, what about that one?"
"Everyone chooses that one."
"That one?"
"No!"
His tone made her think Anthony shared that star with another girl. He sounded disgusted. Johanna didn't mind. She told herself. She propped herself up on her elbow.
"Which one do you think we should have?"
Anthony thought for a moment before pointing. "That one. That one right there." He took her hand and helped her find it. "That's Sirius. The brightest star in the sky."
"Sirius. It's beautiful."
"Every night when we're apart, I'll find that star and think of you.
"And I'll find it - at the same time - and think of you."
Anthony stuck his pinky finger out. "Do you promise?"
Johanna crossed her finger with his.
"Cross my heart and hope to die."
Warnings: Mentions of an attempted kidnapping, implied death/murder
For this chapter I just wanted comfort after the hurt and fluff.
