It's safe to say I had a lot to think about though the day -
The biggest question I had was of course "was that really God?"
The thing is...what if it was?
He said it Himself, no-one can hide from Him - no-one can hide their sins from Him.
That thought was terrifying.
My biggest sins?
All stemmed from anger, naturally.
I'd had a lot to deal with growing up, including abuse. That kind of abuse...
It had left me questioning my own purity, my own worth - left me wondering why, and how anyone could harm a child.
It ate me up. It affected my future relationships.
It left me angry.
I couldn't forgive him, that was for sure.
As I got older and worked in care, the horrors that people suffered in the confines of their own minds were enough to keep me awake at night.
When I worked in the hospice, seeing children losing their lives filled with me rage.
It made me act in an angry way through my day to day life. Admittedly, I had a bad attitude with strangers, unless it was with the families of those I helped care for...usually...
I was angry with God, for allowing it all to happen.
I was angry with the whole world, and it showed.
My biggest ever sin was one of the reasons that pushed me to change my career. There was a child who had cancer, and she was close to the end.
She needed a lot of personal care.
I was giving the little girl, who was 6 years old, a wash and couldn't help but notice some...damage...
I was instantly filled with rage.
Trying to act normal, I asked the little girl if she was sore and she nodded. I asked her if she knew why and she said one word.
"Daddy."
I immediately safeguarded her and called the police.
As I did so, he came in to visit her.
I stopped him and told him he wasn't going in.
Of course he got angry and demanded we let him in.
I couldn't physically control my rage and started screaming at him, calling him out on the abuse he had dished out on a defenseless, innocent child who was DYING.
The sick scum had started crying...begging us even...stating how much he needed her since his wife had died.
It was vile, and I couldn't stand it.
I beat him up within and inch of his life.
He didn't even fight back, he felt too sorry for himself.
My coworkers eventually managed to drag me off him as the police came and arrested him.
He admitted it all there and then.
The police turned to me and said "Well, it's most unfortunate that he had a fall stepping into the building - nasty injuries really. Anyway, you have a good day ma'am."
That was it- every single person had the understanding.
But...it didn't make it right.
Sure, the evil bastard deserved it.
But it wasnt my place to dish out punishment like that, and I was wrong too for letting violence speak for me. I also knew that I had let my own past dictate my emotions and actions.
Worse than that, I got word that he had died...too much trauma to the head had caused him to have a bleed on the brain.
Because the police and my coworkers refused to speak against me, it was put down as an accidental death, but I knew I was the cause.
I had murdered someone.
Yes, he was very, very wrong...
But so was I.
It was not my life to take, and it was not my place to pass judgement.
I'd stayed until the girl passed away and left, trying to start again.
That bring us back to now.
I swallowed hard.
So God would if course know I'd beaten a man to death.
He knew it all.
I couldn't hide from Him, but I was sure going to try...
I just...couldn't admit outloud that He was God and submit to His will and judgement.
What if he punished me? Sent me to hell? I'd deserve it, sure...but it was hardly a comforting thought. What was it He said - salvation can be given to anyone of they're honest and don't try to hide...
But I couldn't help it.
I felt like a child refusing to look at her Father, knowing the anger and disappointment he'd show, but a thousand times worse.
I shook my head, sighing out long and desperate.
Lex softly groaned next to me, putting his head on my leg.
I closed my eyes and gently stroked him, aching for just a few moments of peace.
I allowed a few tears to fall.
It became clear to me that my whole life was falling apart.
There was no family left for me, and few friends.
God was terrifying to me.
I was a murderer.
Trying to offer me comfort, Lex tried to jump up on me, but I was caught off guard and fell off my chair.
In a fit of rage, I screamed at him and kicked him off me, hard.
I'll never forget his yelp, or the look of confusion and fear in his eyes.
My heart stopped and I was instantly filled with deep regret.
"Ooh...oh Lex I'm so sorry!" I choked out, desperate to take it back.
But he was so afraid...he submitted and inched backwards to hide from me.
"No no...I'm sorry...please, I'm sorry!" I cried, getting on the floor to try and get close to him.
Nothing in my whole life had filled me with more regret.
I had to make it right with him, he had to know he was safe and loved.
"Lex please, I love you." I choked, desperate.
At long last, he inched near to me.
Very slowly, I held out my hand for him and as soon as we made contact, it was all okay...he dived on me, rubbing his head fiercely into mine.
"I'm so sorry." I sniffed, holding him tight.
We stayed like that all night.