Morning came and I woke up stiff and sore, having lay on the floor all night with Lex.
The guilt still ate me up and I let a few tears fall as I softly brought him in for a cuddle.
He happily accepted, seemingly oblivious to the events of the previous night.
"You want some breakfast?" I asked gently, and a fast wagging tail and lick to my face was the reply.
I had to spoil him of course, I had to try and make up for what I had done.
He got steak for breakfast, followed by a long walk through the park.
As we passed the place I 'met God' the previous day, I was startled to see a notice with my name on it.
Shakily, I approached and read the note attached.
"Hoped you would come seeking me again. Meet me at 2pm at the local cat and dog shelter."
I sighed, looking down.
If this person was actually God, I'd wager anything He wanted me to go there because of kicking Lex.
I shook my head, deeply afraid again.
No, I couldn't go...I couldn't face anyone who knew I'd hurt my dog.
Suddenly, Lex caught my attention by barking at a squirrel, and he immediately took chase.
"LEX, NO!" I shouted, but it was no use.
He ran a lot faster than me and it wasn't long before I had completely lost him.
"Nooo..." I moaned, desperately afraid of something happening to him.
I had to keep a clear head and returned to my home, just a few minutes away from the park.
There, I called the local sheriff and informed him that my dog had ran away and I was concerned.
The sheriff asked me some questions about what kind of dog he was, and when I answered, he replied, "Good news, I got a call of the dog warden a few minutes ago saying he picked up a dog of that description just a few minutes ago. He's taking him to the local shelter, go on ahead and see if it's him. You will have to pay a fine though and prove he's your dog."
Fear had gripped me and made me freeze up.
"Hello?" The sheriff asked, concerned.
"Uhh...hello, yes - sorry Sir - um, that's great news...I'll head over there now, thank you for your time."
I hung up and looked at the clock- 1.30pm.
I began shaking, utterly terrified...looks like I was going to be at the shelter at 2pm.
But still...I couldnt admit it...there's no way it was God...but then, what if it was? Was he punishing me by toying with me?
I guess I deserved it really...
Either way, I had to get Lex back.
I took a deep breath and left, heading to the shelter.
When I got there, I felt like a naughty schoolgirl approaching the headmaster's office.
Here was a building full of abused and neglected animals.
I had abused mine by kicking him - did I even have the right to claim him? Maybe he'd be better off without me...maybe everyone would be.
I put my head in my hands, trying to keep my thoughts straight.
No...I couldn't leave Lex in there, he'd be so afraid.
So, swallowing, I went in.
Going through the doors, I glanced around me everywhere, like a bank robber looking for the police.
I couldn't see him anywhere though and tried to steady my breathing.
Gathering my courage, I approached the desk and explained I was here for Lex, and showed the lady pictures of us together.
She nodded and asked for the fine money, which I paid.
All in order, she said I could go on through the back where kennels were.
I did so and it didn't take me long before I found my boy, who yapped in excitement.
"There you are!" I choked, opening the kennel and letting him dive on me.
I hugged him fiercely, never wanting to let him go.
"Don't scare me like that!" I scolded, holding him close to me.
"Yes, fear is a terrible thing isn't it?" A voice came from behind me.
I shot up like a rocket and backed up against the wall, terrified.
It was him.
"I'm not going to hurt you." He stated gently.
I shook my head.
"I...I need to get going." I rushed, all kinds of thoughts going through my head.
"Just take it easy - we have 30 minutes today for you to ask me anything.'
I swallowed, momentarily wanting to beg him to forgive me and stop all this.
But I was too afraid...I couldn't let him know what I'd done.
He sighed, seemingly disappointed.
"Take a seat." He ordered.
I looked next to me and found a table with chairs again.
My knees were already weak and I sat down, barely breathing.
He sat down opposite, quite calm.
I couldn't deal with all this.
Lex sensed my distress and jumped up to nuzzle me.
I sank my face into his fur, holding him tightly.
"Dogs are wonderful aren't they?" I heard him ask.
"Yeah..." I struggled.
I took a deep breath, and made my mind up that this was ridiculous.
He said he loved dogs, stands to reason he'd volunteer at the shelter.
Yeah, that was it.
My denial gave me fresh confidence, and I pulled myself together, setting my phone on record.
"So this is interview number two with God." I stated, now ready again.
He smiled, but in a sad way.
"Well Rachael, I believe today we're talking about salvation."
I nodded.
"Yep, that's right- so I have questions about it all."
He watched me for a moment, unnerving me a little.
"Yes, go ahead." He invited.
"Okay...so yesterday you said that anyone could find salvation?"
"Yes indeed- I also said, if they don't try to hide from me."
I swallowed.
"Yeah..well...is there - is there anything that God cannot forgive?" I dared, feeling afraid again.
His eyes went softer.
"It's been stated many times that I am all powerful - so do you believe that there's anything in the world that is not in my power to forgive?"
I breathed out.
"I guess not..." I whispered, my eyes now fixed on the table.
"Rachael - I will forgive anyone for anything if they only come to me and bare themselves. You can't hide from me, even if you try. But you can stay silent, and if you do, then so will I."
My heart was hammering now and my emotion was getting the better of me.
"Look I... I can't... I - I can't think of anymore questions, let's finish tomorrow!"
With that I shot up and left as quick as I could, too afraid to look back.
When I got home and made sure Lex was safely inside, I slammed the door shut and pushed my back against it, my heart racing.
Okay maybe...maybe he really was God. He was talking about Salvation. Forgiveness.
And I was terrified.
I had hidden for so long.
Bare myself to Him? What did that even mean? Tell him my sins? Why? He already knew...did He already know? Of course He did...but He wanted me to admit it. He wanted me to stop trying to hide from Him.
I sank to to the floor, head in my hands.
This was too much.
Did He do this to everyone?
Why did He pick me to talk to?
I was scum.
A dog abuser...a murderer...
I was nothing.
And it hit me.
If I was as lowly as I believed, then who was I to run away from God? He deserved my respect. My honesty, even if it meant He passed judgement on me.
So I made my mind up.
I would face Him, and I would listen to what He had to say to me, instead of me talking to Him.
I would finally admit that I believed He really was God and that I was ready.
