I spent the whole night researching lore and trying to gather some courage.
I didn't really need to research anything.
I already knew because He already told me.
He would forgive anything - if asked.
I listened back on the recordings, and it was all very clear.
But I was so, so deeply afraid.
Even the thought of being near Him now filled me with terror.
And I knew that that was wrong.
It shouldn't be that way.
I should be going to Him gladly.
But...I had to tell Him what I'd done, and how I lived.
It was deeply shameful.
"Okay...okay..." I whispered, truly desperate -
"I know I haven't got the strength to do this...but I know you do - p..please give me the strength I need." I croaked, already feeling the tears come.
I became aware that I deeply wanted God to see me for who I truly was. The real me.
Suddenly there was a knock on my door.
I wiped my tears away and got up, sighing.
When I opened it, I froze, my eyes going wide.
It was Him.
"Y...you're here..." I stated thickly.
"Yes - I am here. May I come in?" He asked gently.
I swallowed and nodded, again too afraid to speak.
He walked in and shut the door behind Him.
I swallowed again.
Was this really happening?
He turned to me, and cocked his head sideways.
"I know you are afraid." He stated, making my heart race even more.
"I...I need to say one more thing..to...to ask something..." I whispered- it was all I could muster.
"I'm listening." He answered, very gently.
"I...that's the thing - you've invited me to ask you questions - but I wasn't truly listening to you. Please...uh... could...what I mean is- I want to just listen to what you really have to say. I want to listen to you, no matter what it is - even if I'm afraid." I breathed, really starting to shake now.
He noticed.
"You're getting unsteady." He stated carefully.
I closed my eyes and nodded.
Very slowly, I got down on my knees.
"That's better - you'll be steady there." He remarked kindly.
I couldn't help but smile at that.
"I..don't- um..I don't want to hide from you anymore. I tried - I tried to pretend it was all okay and I could just stay at a respectful distance. I need you to know - that is, I need to admit...to you what I've done - I want you to know even though I don't want you to know at the same time. I think that shows how much I've come to respect you. Or I hope it does. With all my heart I hope it does! So ummm...Lord - I killed a man. I murdered him. Actually I beat him so hard it destroyed his brain. Nothing was ever done, no liability or punishment. I hurt Lex...I hurt him. Because I was angry. I've always been angry. I tried to hide from you, and now I'm just afraid...afraid of what you're going to say about all of this - but I'm ready to hear it...please...please I'm listening."
I closed my eyes - somehow it kept me more steady.
I allowed some tears to come but didn't become hysterical, or I'd not be able to hear Him.
I could hear him walk towards me, and began to shake.
"Amazing, isn't it - what just 40 minutes of talking with me can do? You've went from ignoring me completely to kneeling before me to confess your sins and submit to my power and authority...I call that a very good improvement."
I nodded slowly, opening my eyes again and showing that I was still listening.
He smiled gently, making me feel less afraid.
"You have done wrong. You broke my commandment "thought shall not kill". Do you regret it?"
I nodded.
"At the time, I felt like he deserved it...maybe he did...but it wasn't my place, and I have no right to anyone's life."
He held my shoulder then, making me tear up again.
"That's why wrath is a deadly sin. It leads only to trouble and pain. You have loved your whole life in anger. Why?"
I blinked, shuddering.
"My childhood was far from...pure... you already know all that. No justice was ever served and I felt dirty and wrong all the time."
He squeezed my shoulder.
"I want you to trust me and my judgement - will you do that?"
I breathed out.
"With all my heart." I whispered.
"And all your soul?" He asked.
I closed my eyes and bowed my head a bit.
"Everything that I am." I confirmed.
"Well now...this is my commandment to you. You will no longer live in anger. You will spend your days instead spreading my word of hope and salvation. Will you do this?"
"Every day." I breathed.
"One more thing...you must forgive yourself for what you have done."
I swallowed hard at that and opened my eyes again.
His eyes were warm, but powerful.
How could I ever disobey Him?
"Lord - God...I...I will do anything you want of me. But as I forgive myself, I need to ask one more thing..." I whispered, heart beating fast.
"Yes, you do. Please, ask me." God answered, knowing what was coming.
"I...I ask you for forgiveness. Can you forgive me for disobeying your commandment and killing that man? Can you forgive me for hurting Lex? Can you forgive me for letting myself live in anger? Can you forgive me for...for trying to hide from you?"
I was all at once overcome with despair...it all hit me at once, I guess.
I started sobbing, completely out of control.
I heard God sigh and crouch down infront of me, suddenly enveloping me in a strong hug.
"Easy..." he soothed, "I am here. Yes. I forgive you, for it all. I told you, there is nothing that is out of my power to forgive. I also told you I will forgive anything, so long as you bare yourself to me and stop trying to hide. You have done this. Well done. You have a clean slate now, and only the future to look to, where you will walk with me. You will serve me as you were supposed to. Should you slip up, as I am sure you will- then please, come to me and make it right again. You have nothing to fear of me, if you are honest."
I calmed down a bit, though I still felt quite overwhelmed by it all.
"Yes...you are good and merciful - generous in your patience and forgiveness. Thank you." I sniffed, holding my heart to enforce my gratitude.
"Well now, we have already moved on to humility and praises. Very good." He smiled good natured.
I couldn't help but giggle, and soon found I was completely calm and comfortable.
"Okay, I'm going to leave you here." He stated suddenly, turning to go.
"Wait!" I called, suddenly feeling needy.
"I...I don't want you to go. Please, please stay with me." I begged.
He turned back to me and smiled, a bright light suddenly appearing behind Him.
"As long as you live by the commandments I have given you, and live true, then I will never leave you. I'll always be right with you. I will always hear your prayers. I will always find joy in your praises and commitments."
I sighed out, nodding.
"Thank you." I whispered.
He nodded, turning once more and leaving in the light.