Twenty-Two:
Beside You
"Then I just swipe up?"
"Don't be afraid, Jo, you're not going to hurt me."
"Anthony! Stop moving!"
Johanna took a deep breath and moved the razor up Anthony's throat. Her hand was trembling, but Mr. Todd reached out and steadied it. When she realized she hadn't hurt Anthony at all, she said a little prayer to herself. Johanna moved to another part of the neck and moved the blade alongside it. Mr. Todd let go. She paused. It was all right. She couldn't hurt Anthony.
"Ah," Anthony said once she was done, rubbing his chin, "That feels much better." His hand slid down his neck. "You didn't miss a spot, Jo."
Johanna shyly looked down. She noticed the razor in her hands still and passed it back to Mr. Todd, as if it burned her. Before the shave, Mr. Todd told her to apply a solution afterward. Johanna grabbed the bottle, perhaps a bit too harshly, as it fell on the floor.
"Sorry," she murmured before reaching down.
Mr. Todd scoped it up before she could.
"Sorry," Johanna said again, "Thank you."
She unscrewed the bottle. The ointment was easy enough to apply.
"How's that? Did I miss anywhere?"
"Hmm." Anthony rubbed his throat. His eyes lit up. "As a matter of fact, you missed right here." He pecked her neck.
Johanna laughed. "Anthony!"
No one had ever looked at Johanna the way Anthony did. There was a brightness, a light that filled his eyes. There was softness, like an embrace. Inside those eyes, there was a young boy who adored the world. There was kindness and security and epitome of all things wholesome. He was a cat eyeing a bowl of milk. Two friends seeing each other for the first time in ages. A boy playing with a ball. Most of all, simply a husband. A husband adoring his wife. It was as simple as that and yet a thousand things more.
"You best be on your way, Anthony," Johanna said, "Aren't you meeting your friend?"
"I am. But my friend can wait."
She pushed him gently. "You hardly see your friends and you can see me anytime. Now go."
With some reluctance, Anthony left. Johanna blew him a kiss as he went out the door. She turned around to help Mr. Todd clean up their mess. There was more shaving cream than usual flickered everywhere. Johanna found a rag and began on the mess. A peaceful silence followed with only the tinkering of tools.
"How unprepared did you feel before I was born?" Johanna blurted out. She gripped the sampler she was holding. She should not have done that. She should've have-She shouldn't have-
"Very much," Mr. Todd answered, "Only Lucy could keep me sane."
Johanna stared at him. No, she couldn't imagine Mr. Todd fretting over an unborn baby. She couldn't imagine him fretting over any baby. She couldn't see him worrying or getting comfort from his wife. Then again, he was Benjamin Barker back then. He must have been different. Softer, perhaps.
She nodded, unable to reply with words.
"Why do you ask?" Mr. Todd questioned.
Johanna should've expected this. She stood and straightened herself, attempting to play off her nerves as something casual.
"Well, I suppose I feel a little unprepared myself," she said, with the air of an unconcerned noble, "Anthony's leaving again soon and we don't have enough supplies." Her throat tightened, but she cleared it and looked down so Mr. Todd couldn't see the tears brimming in her eyes. "I'm sure it'll be figured out by the time the baby comes."
Johanna wanted to believe it. Really. But something convinced her not to. It wasn't going to be all right. Johanna would fail as another. Her child didn't deserve a wreck to play as a parent.
"Johanna, what's wrong?"
Mr. Todd neared her, sitting at her side. He wrapped a careful arm around her shoulders. Johanna leaned into his chest.
"I'm not ready," she said, "Anthony isn't here. The baby's going to be here in eight weeks. Eight weeks! That's two months. I'm not under control. I thought I was dying a few days ago. I'm immature and I don't deserve this baby. They're too special and I'm going to ruin them. Mr. Todd, Turpin ruined me. I can't let another child be ruined. Not on my account either. Ruined children shouldn't have to exist. They should be free and happy. And I know I'll ruin this baby."
He began rubbing circles on her back. Little tears streamed down her cheeks. Johanna was quick to wipe them away.
"Johanna, you're not ruined. You're perfect. I don't know how to describe it, but you'll know when you see your baby. I remember just knowing after seeing you for the first time."
"Knowing?"
Her doubts still crowded her mind. Yet this knowing calmed her a bit.
"You just know?"
"It's hard to describe. But the moment you set eyes on that newborn, you'll have a feeling. You'll know."
"I hope I'll know."
The muscles in her lower back throbbed, making Johanna adjust her position. Mr. Todd noticed.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Oh, just some back pain. I've had it before, there's really nothing to worry about."
He didn't look convinced.
"I'm fine. Really."
There was a pause, as Johanna helped herself up. She nearly fell forward, but Mr. Todd's hand caught up. She gave a quick, "thank you". Her gaze met the window as she straightened herself. The moon was out.
"I'd better get to bed," she said, nearing the door, "Goodnight, Mr. Todd."
Or wait in bed, pretending to be sound asleep whenever the floor creaked and allow her worries to eat at her while the baby kicked and played from inside her.
"Wait, Johanna," he reached out, grabbing her shoulder. He turned her around. "Have you been sleeping?"
Had he read her mind? Johanna seized her breath. She nodded.
"Of course I have. What else is there to do at night, anyway"
Clutch her chest and allow her tears melt into her pillow. Wishing she could melt into the pillow, too.
"You don't look like you've been sleeping enough," Mr. Todd said, looking her over.
From a man who didn't sleep himself. She could scoff at him. Johanna heard him in the other room. The night made him anty, impatient. The floorboards crooked under his pacing.
She swallowed. "I can assure you that I have been. I'm fine, Mr. Todd, I'm fine."
Johanna threw him what she hoped was a reassuring smile over her shoulder before stepping out. She closed the door behind her with a sigh. Johanna found her room and shut herself inside. The doll was on the bed. With a small smile, she leaned over to it and held the doll to her chest. Holding harder when the muscles in her stomach tightened.
She adjusted the doll into one of the positions Mrs. Thomas recommended for newborns. This one held the doll in the crook of her elbow. Knowing and practicing this subsided some of her fears. Johanna knew how to hold her baby. At least, she understood something.
In fiction, grandfathers were charming and warm and had hearty laughs. All traits that contradicted with Mr. Todd. Yet she wondered what he would be like as a grandfather. They still planned to leave this place. But what if they stayed? What if Mr. Todd became a good man he cared for children and spoiled them with treats and toys? The idea was almost too silly. She blushed and chased the thoughts away.
Johanna would learn. She and Anthony wouldn't have the chance to get away now. Later, when their baby was old enough to travel and they were prepared, they would take off.
A strange thought to haunt her strange nights.
Perhaps, she should try to sleep tonight. Everyone said to expectant mothers to, "get some sleep while you still can". Johanan should try before she had a baby to take care of and soothe to sleep.
She changed into her night things and climbed into bed, putting a spare pillow between her legs for support. Johanna found she couldn't lay down at all without the pillow. Otherwise, she was tossing and twisting herself into uncomfortable positions she hoped would help her to sleep. They never did.
Sleep didn't come at first and when it did, it brought a nightmare along with it.
Turpin was there. But so was a pile of Shrewsbury Cakes. He took a cake, popped it into his mouth, chewed and began speaking. But before he could get a word out, a bird chirped inside of him. Her bird. Johanna lunged forward. Turpin took another cake and ate it, despite her begging him not to. There was a chirp. A feather flew out of his mouth when he coughed. He killed her birds.
Her heart was racing as she opened her eyes after that dream. It was night, but she didn't feel right going back to sleep. Johanna got out of bed and dressed. It was a silly dream. Turpin eating birds. How strange. A dream like that shouldn't have frightened her like it had. She laughed a little at herself. But the hardness in her veins didn't go away.
Anthony was outside, walking down the street, with his head bowed and his hands tucked into his pockets. Johanna beamed and rushed to the door. Before she opened the door, she felt arms around her. Wrapping her shawl over her shoulder.
"It's cold outside, you'll need this," Mr. Todd said.
Johanna smiled up at him. "Thank you, sir."
She dashed out the door, fast as she could with her wobbling legs. She nearly crashed into Anthony. He greeted her with a kiss, running his hands through her hair. It had grown past her waist how and sometimes she caught herself sitting on the tips of it.
"I missed you," Johanna whispered.
"I missed you more."
"I missed you most."
Hand in hand, they walked back to the shop. Anthony went on about Portugal. And his adventures there.
"We tried this soup called Caldo Verde. I have no idea what was in it, but Johanna, it was the best thing I've ever had! It's green. Can you believe that? Green soup," Anthony went on, opening the door for her.
"I've seen pea soup before." Johanna took his hand upon reentering. "Does it look like that?"
"A little, but greener."
"Greener than pea soup?"
They took a seat at the table. Anthony removed her shawl and draped it over the back of her chair. He sat across from her, taking her hand. She smiled. But her grin disappeared as she watched Mrs. Lovett go from table to table, trying to serve everyone at once. Guilt twidged within her.
"Do you need to go?" Anthony asked, watching.
"No." Johanna sighed. "Mrs. Thomas ordered me to stop working. She didn't give me the exact reason why, but she did say that I should be resting now."
"And have you been doing that instead? Resting?"
She avoided his eyes and gave a chuckle. "Anthony." She paused for less than a second. "Was the weather nice there? It's been quite rainy here lately and-"
"Johanna, have you been sleeping enough?"
He titled her chin to look at him. Johanna kept her gaze on her hands. Her wedding ring wasn't there, foro her fingers were too puffy to keep it on, instead she wore it in a chain around her neck, which she found herself playing with more than what was proper.
"Johanna-"
"I'm fine, Anthony, I'm fine."
He grazed her jawline with his hand. "You don't look completely fine."
"As any expectant mother would tell you, we don't always look completely fine. But I can assure you that I am."
Anthony leaned back, slightly. "The times we shared a bed . . . not in that way, but times that were nothing but pure, you tossed and turned a lot. Like you were having a nightmare. Johanna, is that what's wrong? Because I can help. I may not know what to do, but my brothers and sisters and friends have had enough so that I've got experience."
"I'm fine, Anthony. Like I said before."
Little tears filled the corner of her eyes. Johanna looked away again, wiping her eyes. She rose. She had no handkerchief.
"Johanna-"
"What is it, Anthony? I'm emotional. All right? Pregnant women are emotional!"
"Please, Jo-"
"I'm glad that you're here, Anthony. I'm glad that you're back. But I'm afraid I must take my leave now."
Johanna brushed off her skirt and made her way upstairs. She nearly slammed the door behind her. She was fine. Even if no one believed her.
Minutes past and she could hear low voices in the other room. She leaned in.
"I don't know how to help her, Mr. Todd," Anthony cried out, "Has she been sleeping well?"
"I doubt she's been sleeping at all."
"How long has that gone on?"
His words were frantic as he moved around the room. She counted his steps. One, two, three, four-
"I couldn't say. She's been experiencing nightmares almost every night since she got here. Night terrors, too."
"I've never had dreams, only nightmares." A beat. "She meant that exactly. Well, what do we do? There's 'treatments' for this sort of thing, but they just seem cruel."
They checked people into asylums for that reason. Would they send her to one? Foggs? Johanna's chest tightened. They couldn't. Please. She wanted to cry out and beg them not to, but that would mean she was listening in. They would know. It might increase their chance of putting her in a straightjacket.
"She'll be all right," Mr. Todd said.
"But what if she's not? Johanna could hurt herself. She could-"
"Don't you dare say die!"
Johanna could imagine Mr. Todd turning around. Anthony's wide eyes staring back.
There was a beat. A heavy, awkward, terrible beat. She could make out Mr. Todd's panting.
"She's not going to die," Mr. Todd said, almost calm.
"She won't, sir. She can't."
Johanna wrapped her arms around herself. Their conversation ended. She hadn't noticed the tears on her cheeks. She wiped them away.
Raw tension in her chest remained.
With careful steps, ready to back away at any given moment, Johanna reached Anthony. She grabbed his hand. He turned around, breaking into a relieved smile at her.
"Johanna, I'm so sorry, I-"
"There's no need to apologize." She gave a small grin. "I'm sorry for snapping at you like that."
"It's okay. I love you."
"I love you, too." Johanna pulled apart from him. "Will you be here tomorrow?"
"As soon as I can. A friend asked me for a favor, but I'll be there right after we're finished."
They kissed.
