Harry Potter and the Method of Double-Tap.
An interlude for murder.
In which our hero takes things into his own hands.
"So I have to marry someone because of a contract?" asked Harry of Sirius, getting sick of all this magically binding contract bullshit.
"Look Harry, all joking aside… it's not like they're chummy with really dark families" said Sirius. "My Mother never liked them, and so what if they're in Slytherin. My Cousin Andromeda, your Aunt was in Slytherin, and she's all right."
Harry suddenly had a plan. Not a very good plan, and it did involve shooting someone, but… a plan.
"If this Daphne Greengrass or I don't make it to seventeen, what happens to the contract?" asked Harry.
"The contract will probably re-bind to the next person in the succession. In your case… I don't know. Draco Malfoy, Narcissa's boy I suppose." said Sirius thoughtfully "Worst case, it'd go to her sister, if she's got one, or their next unborn daughter on that family. That sort of thing only works for generally twenty to forty years difference."
"Forty years?" said Harry "That's disgusting."
"Well, it's not great, no" said Sirius "But the contract must be very old. We haven't ...well apart from my crazy cousin Bellatrix. But then she liked Rodolphus LeStrange. They only wanted magical vows because they wanted to be dark magic using gits. The joke was on her, sort of, because evidently Roddy must have told her to do something that she resisted, and the curse broke her mind."
"So, she wasn't insane before that?" asked Harry.
"A violent, dark-magic loving blood supremacist, but she kept it together. All the cackling's come later." admitted Sirius. "And her hair used to be a lot neater" he mused.
"So was she not a death eater before" Harry circled his fingers by his head in British Standard 2311, gestures to indicated someone was playing cricket with less than eleven on the team.
"Oh probably." said Sirius. "She was just evil, not crazy. Like a more violent cousin Narcissa. Draco Malfoy's mother" Sirius added helpfully.
Harry's plan crystallised then. "Sirius, tell me more about my dad?" he asked.
As Harry expected, two hours later a teary and inebriated Sirius Black and Remus Lupin passed out, bottles falling from their hands and rolling across the kitchen floor.
"Kreacher" asked Harry "Put Sirius and Remus to bed please."
The grumpy old house elf appeared, and the remaining marauders, marinated in firewhiskey left with a crack.
Harry waited, and sure enough Kreacher reappeared, and started to pick up the empties.
"Kreacher, get the object out from under the stone there" said Harry, pointing at where the gun, his gun was kept.
Kreacher nodded and with a click of the old elf's fingers, Harry had the pistol again.
"I'm going out" said Harry "Shouldn't take too long."
He took the letter Sirius had shown him, with the Greengrasses address.
Harry went out to Grimmauld place, walked along to the side-street, which was empty and nobody lived on, apart from some squatters, and raised his wand, summoning the Knight bus.
Stan Shunpike was halfway through his spiel, when Harry simply said "Blackberry Lane, Appleby, Herefordshire, and handed over ten sickles.
Stan carefully counted the coins into his money bag "You've given me one too many" said Stan, looking up, brow furrowed "You need two more for hot chocolate"
"Keep it" said Harry. "And forget I came"
"For one sickle?" asked Stan derisively "It's a galleon or nothing"
Harry handed over a galleon, and Stan yelled to the driver "Lets go Ernie, one for Appleby."
Bribing Stan apparently changed the order of drop-offs, as Harry stepped off the bus, slightly nauseated fifteen minutes later on a country lane surrounded by stone walls. He looked at the letter, and the address.
"Eighty Eight Blackberry lane."
Harry walked along in the nearly cloudless sunny day in his hoodie and jeans. It was a lot warmer here than in London. He was starting to consider taking off his hoodie, when he reached a mailbox. A very chunky plastic mailbox with large reflective numbers on a wooden post. Number 60, apparently.
The Hoodie was tied around his waist by the time he reached a stone mailbox, with two eights carved into it. The stone column holding up the mailbox was carved with some sort of woven wheat pattern. Harry looked at the white-painted wooden gate that barred access to a green cow-paddock. By the way it sat there, looking gate-like Harry thought it wasn't very magical. But he dug out his invisibility cloak anyway from the hoodie pocket and put it on, becoming less visible than mercy, then drew his pistol.
He tried to open the gate but it seemed firmly stuck shut. Harry ended up climbing, er, through it, and falling painfully onto the hard-packed earth beyond it. After a few steps, a two-storey house with gardens appeared in what had been a cow-paddock moments before. Some sort of magical anti-snooping barrier. Harry walked slowly towards the house, trying to keep the cloak from getting to messed up by the surprising cow-free grass. In fact, the grass looked more like an enormous lawn. That was when Harry saw the white geese wandering around, and stepped in the goose-droppings, and spent a minute wiping it off against the grass.
Harry had nearly got to the house, which looked smaller than The Burrow but made perhaps a lot longer ago, by someone with a familiarity with what buildings normally look like, when someone blonde in a floral dress holding a bundle left the building by what Harry assumed was a back door and started walking quickly across the grass. They were about teenager sized and had blonde hair. Harry vaguely remembered seeing someone like that in Potions… so that was Daphne Greengrass. Harry changed direction and followed her, as she headed to the leafy green copse beyond the house and gardens.
As he'd been a long way off it took a long time for Harry to get to the trail though the copse she'd disappeared into. Harry entered carefully, walking along a path covered in leaf-mould. An expert in tracking people might have followed the disturbances in the leaf mould, but Harry just walked along what looked like the trail invisible and hoped for the best.
He came to a clearing in the copse where a stream bent around in a sharp vee making a pool and someone had cut down some trees. The banks were cut by the water, making it all quite enclosed. Someone was splashing about in the pool of the stream. Harry walked closer, seeing a floral dress folded neatly over a branch that stuck out of tree-stump like someone had transfigured it to be convenient. Next to the dress, on the tree-stump was a rolled up towel. Harry walked closer to the stream, and there, in a stream pond, a girl was swimming about. A blonde girl. However, she didn't actually have any clothes on. Harry was instantly mortified. He might have come out here to accidentally on purpose murder someone he didn't know… but they were swimming naked in a pool. It was fortunately not the clearest water, but still… when they swam across the pool, breast-stroke, he could see her bum, sort-of anyway. Being fourteen-going on fifteen, Harry did what any young man in that situation would do. He slowly walked away, without stopping looking till he was a fair way from the tree stump and towel… and dress… where had her underwear gone anyway?
Harry felt that now might not be the time to be holding a gun on some naked girl he had to marry. So he put that in his jeans pocket. Which reminded him about a certain tension in his jeans. He undid said jeans to uh… relieve the pressure. The girl was fairly pretty, Harry thought. Then she rolled over and started swimming on her back. She had boobs. Actual, live boobs, and that water must be a bit chilly. Voyeurism, perving girls was, Harry knew… quite bad. But compared to just shooting her and making it look like an accident… it was practically donating to the guide dogs fund. Harry wanked a little over the sight of this naked witch. Then she got out of the water and walked to the stump and Harry got a real eyeful, and things went from a slight wank to rubbing one out. He tried not to either groan, or get stuff on his invisibility cloak. Which his dad had at Hogwarts, Harry realised with growing clarity. Had dad perved girls? His mum? The girls showers? Obviously not the Gryffindor ones with the stairs that turned into slides. The prefects' bathroom… some of those prefects were seventh years. Harry's attention returned to Daphne-no-clothes-on-at-all-Greengrass who had apparently finished drying off and … put the towel down and lay on it stark naked in the sun. On her front. Harry nearly tripped, trying to run over with his jeans around his ankles. He pulled up his jeans, and did them up, wondering if wanking twice in an hour can kill you.
Harry walked as quietly as he could over to let's face it, better perving angle distance. She had a… bum. It wasn't like a boys bum; no slight dusting of hair, and it was a different shape. Harry sighed quietly, eyeing the slight glimpses afforded of boobs, looking at the curve of her back. It was… nice to look at, Harry thought, and there was a bum to look at. Harry slowly got aroused again, shuffling a little as he took in the naked glory of Daphne Greengrass. Obviously the dirty magazines Dudley had featured um… older women with more… curve but… the tiny thought in Harry's head "This girl is stuck with you, and you get to see this one day up close and personal" was becoming remarkably insistent. The cloak, thankfully seemed to block out most of the sun so Harry wasn't dying from the warmth… while Daphne Greengrass relaxed and spread her legs a bit. That seemed to require Harry immediately move to see what… was there.
Girl bits were not like boy bits, Harry concluded. Greengrass made a happy warm noise and spread her legs. Harry really had no idea what was going on with the whiskery smoothness there, with the hint of a seam, but it looked… different. And those magazines of Dudleys… glimpsed once hadn't featured hair there.
Harry decided to retreat and… deal once again with the pressure in his pants.
He got further away and once again, dropped his pants and had another wank. How he'd ever look this girl in the eyes, eluded him... but he was staring at her bum and whatever that was called… and had other things on his mind.
Clarity of thought returned to Harry with a faint groan. He started pulling up his pants, to see Daphne naked-saw-her-girl-bits Greengrass roll over, apparently having cold boobs. She lay there, like a white starfish, and Harry enjoyed a much more aesthetic feeling of looking at a pretty girl naked, having gone soft by now. He even pulled up his jeans. He was practically being respectful. Then she um... put her hand between her legs and started doing something… that was clearly enjoyable, as she started to smile, then stretched, and started rubbing again. It took a Harry a moment or two to realise... this was a naked girl wanking. And the only thing to do was… take his pants off and have another go. Having just wanked twice, minutes before, Harry stayed pretty floppy, by gentle strokes, as Daphne Greengrass started to tense up and make the most delicious sounding groans. The sound went right into his skull, down his spine and directly to his slightly sore manhood.
Greengrass evidently decided that her uh, boobs needed a bit of… she pinched her own nipples? Harry didn't see how that could be nice… but she groaned and the other hand was starting to make wet noises, as her fingers ... one disappeared. There was a hole in there somehow. Then both hands were on her crotch, and she was rubbing and pushing a finger… then two in and out… and Harry had the sudden, clear realisation that – that… was where his willy should go. He made do with wanking gently on that abused organ, finally losing some gunk fairly painfully. Greengrass was still at it, her body shaking like she was being tickled. Harry, in a sensible, mature way pulled up his jeans and just watched, amazed as time went by and apart from the odd soft groan, Greengrass just kept… shagging herself. Not always quickly… but she kept at if for what must have been an hour or two, finally stretching, and swaggering over to the stream, to jump into the pool and swim about a little, then get out, walk over to the towel looking cold, and dry off. She looked quite pleased with herself, then put the floral dress on and wrapped the towel around her hair like a turban. Harry stared at the sexiest woman in the universe. The one he, Harry Potter was going to marry. Cor. She ... Harry was stuck with a sudden sickening realisation. She liked to wank for ages, hours and hours, and Harry… just the sight of her bum, which was now making the dress sway appealingly, was enough to have Harry half-way to coming. Whatever it took however he had to do it, Harry would find out how to last long enough for Greengrass… for Daphne to have that shuddering moan. How to last hours… that was going to take some real research. There HAD to be magic for this. And if it was in the restricted section, Harry had an invisibility cloak. Harry, noticing his betrothed had walked off, followed as quickly as he could, eyeing the girl in the dress quite differently; she was gorgeous and the dress let out little hints of the shape of her bum, tiny hints of that sexy swagger she had when she'd gone back to the pool to wash off… .
The sight of Daphne Greengrass, even clothed Harry realised was deeply satisfying. He was, he considered unselfconsciously probably in love with her now.
Harry went home via Knight bus, feeling quite sated, and deeply in love with Daphne Greengrass… occasional nudist and onanist.
Remus and Sirius were still out cold when he got home.
He woke up that night from a dream set in the prefects' bathroom featuring Daphne Greengrass, the huge tub and Harry Potter. Sadly he awoke after mere seconds, and in his growing clarity of thought, realised there was no way Daphne Greengrass would have been happy with the possibly thirty seconds that bit of the dream lasted.
Harry, after a trip to the bathroom, went to the Library and started looking.
A tired, disappointed Harry Potter went back to bed hours later thinking there were an awful lot of books on dark curses, when all he wanted was a book on how to please a witch properly.
He woke tired and determined, had breakfast with two stubbled, dyspeptic adults, and went back to finding the only book that really mattered.
Eventually Remus Lupin rumbled him in the Library "Harry, what are you looking for?" asked Remus, who'd shaved in the meantime.
"A book… about how to please a witch" admitted Harry "I have to marry someone… I should make more effort."
"You have to sit OWL and NEWT exams before that, and you should make an effort for that too" said Remus pointedly.
"But… I can't divorce Daphne Greengrass, so we have to get along. Can you get Sirius to find the actual contract? What if there are tasks, like the bloody Tri-wizard tournament?"
Remus left and returned an hour later with a new copy of a thin paperback entitled "Fifteen foolproof ways to please your witch."
Harry settled in to study. The book appeared to be a bit less serious than Harry was hoping, but in a few days he'd have it read and could go looking in the library again for some more details.
The irony of spending his holidays reading and studying effectively textbooks was not lost on Harry.
Sirius interrupted all of that one afternoon by coming into the Library holding a thick wodge of parchment.
"Harry, I'm afraid I have bad news" said Sirius "I got the contract from Mr Greeengrass. His name is Cyrus by the way, and well… it's the worst contract the family ever wrote. An excrutiatingly old one with some nasty penalty clauses.
Sirius proceeded to explain about the risk of dying… "But just don't dance with anyone else, you'll be fine"
Of losing the ability to taste sugar "Just make her laugh… you'll be fine" said Sirius, unconvincingly, and to get generally ill if snogging didn't happen weekly by the time they were sixteen. "Oh and you have to dine together twice a week in public, but that's probably harmless, and Hogwarts will do that. What's worst is it has the stupid compliance clauses in the marriage contract so once you're married, you both do as each other says, or go insane.
The thought of that pretty girl with the pretty hair, frothing, with crazy hair chilled Harry. He shuddered.
"So do you know this Daphne Greengrass?" asked Sirius "You seemed not to when we saw it on the tapestry?"
"She's blonde, about my height, maybe a bit taller, in Slytherin and gorgeous" said Harry, sighing.
Sirius frowned "The contract didn't seem to have a compulsion in it?" he asked.
Harry sighed.
"So do you know her then?" asked Sirius, confused.
"Never spoken to her" said Harry, feeling moved by emotion. In his pants.
"Uh… is she the sort of girl that gets brought up in the list of five fittest witches at school?" asked Sirius.
"Uh… I dunno. People leave me out of those discussions. I'm usually doing something dangerous, or tying to solve a mystery" said Harry honestly. "Or quidditch practice."
"Harry... " asked Sirius slowly "Did you by chance meet her on the train in first year, and get stuck on her? Like your dad with your mum?"
"Uh… no" said Harry "I um… remembered her from potions."
"And now you're stuck on her… good for you, I suppose" said Sirius, biting his lip "You must get that from your dad."
"Sirius" asked Harry awkwardly "I've been reading fifteen way to please your witch… but is there a more um… detailed book. I'm pretty sure I can't please a witch."
"Well of course not, you're too young..." said Sirius.
"I have to get married in two years" said Harry, frustrated, "I'll come in thirty seconds, and she'll hate me!"
Sirius snorted and went a bit red. "Harry… back up a bit from… worrying about making little wizards and witches." he said, and snorted. "You're fourteen going on fifteen for Merlins sake"
"Other boys have girlfriends" said Harry stiffly "I don't even know how to snog!"
"Well you're not learning on anyone else since the contract activated." said Sirius. "You'll just have to take things slow and hope she has a sense of humour, or you'll never eat a treacle tart again."
Harry stared at Sirius, distraught "You… you're making jokes about my loss of a taste bud!"
"Look you're not getting your fiancée into a broom cupboard next week" said Sirius. "Try to not seem so obsessed either her, or shagging. It puts girls off a bit."
"What? But my dad?" asked Harry.
"Had to do so much spading to make up for six years of being an obnoxious git" said Sirius "It was a miracle your mum ever went out with him."
"Was he that bad?" asked Harry curiously.
"Hey Evans, you going to Hogsmeade with me?" quoited Sirius. "And your mum would say "Potter, not if you were the last man on earth."
"Ouch" said Harry "How was I ever born?" he asked, ashen.
"Well your dad stopped being a joker in sixth year, his mum had put the hard word on him to get some NEWTs. When he made Head boy, your mum nearly threw her badge away, said her friend…" said Sirius. "But your dad was professional about being Head boy, even though he'd never been a prefect, and was polite and proper with your mum, and two months later you couldn't prise their lips apart. Her friend Marlene suspected potions. Apparently James giving me detention for smoking over and over again did it."
"Was it a setup?" asked Harry.
"What a cynical thing to say" said Sirius. "The first time wasn't… but he needed help... either a date with your mum or a mind healer."
Harry nodded "but… this thing of mine is different."
Sirius nodded "you have to not mention the whole shagging thing out of the gate. You haven't talked to her so you get a first impression. We'll try to make that a good one. And don't stare at her tits."
"But they're gorgeous" said Harry. "It's not possible."
"Oh puberty" said Sirius fondly "You made my boy a teenager. Harry, you have to treat dates as a chance to meet a girl and talk, and just try to have non-creepy fun. You have to try, and stick to a higher mental plane, telling jokes and doing fun things. Then if attraction comes, it comes and she'll let you know."
"It's different Sirius… it's just that contract's fault. It's her or nobody" Harry complained.
"And have a good long wank before you go on dates" finished Sirius rather bluntly.
-==0==-
...
Harry twisted uncomfortably in the dress robe at Madam Malkin's.
"It's uncomfortable" said Harry "Surely there's something this collar could be made of that isn't itchy!"
Sirius sighed "Harry, take it off, we're leaving" he said.
The shop assistant looked piqued, but they went along to a shop with small windows and a fancier sign 'Twillfitt and Tattings.'
"Come on, we'll get you something less scratchy" said Sirius.
The acromantula silk robe's collar wasn't scratchy, but stood up by Harry's neck like... well anything Lucius Malfoy had worn really.
"Two of this" said Sirius, and they waited while Harry's black robe with silver embroidery and small green gems was finished off.
"Sorry it's expensive, Sirius" said Harry.
"Well, you're not used to them, and you really need to feel and look comfortable for the negotiations"
"Negotiations?" asked Harry, blinking.
"We're going to a private room at the Three Broomsticks to negotiate. What will really happen is her father and I will cross out everything we can. Some clauses are charmed irremovable, change the vows to the minimum, and you can smile at her. Don't ask her for a shag, and you'll meet her mother and sister too. I'll be there, and Remus will be in the bar as protection just in case."
-==0==-
Harry and Sirius went to the Three Broomsticks, and pointed to the back room wihihc had a sign saying 'Private function' "Don't worry, I've got your back." And leh Harry into the back room.
Sirius patted Harry on the back, and then Harry noticed the Greengrasses were dressed fairly formally too, but they looked, apart from Daphne quite comfortable. The thought of her floral dress came to mind and Harry had to look at the patted Harry on the back, and then Harry noticed the Greengrasses were dressed fairly formally too, but they looked, apart from Daphne quite comfortable. The thought of her floral dress came to mind and Harry had to look at the wall.
Sirius and Cyrus went through the contract, methodically removing things, clearly having worked out all of this in advance.
"Now, to recap our children's problems" said Sirius "firstly, having to dine together. Harry, can you manage to take Daphne to Fortescues a couple of times a week this summer."
"Or a good restaurant" suggested Harry. "Whatever you'd like."
"Are you trying to butter me up with spending?" asked Daphne suspiciously.
"I was thinking pancakes and ice-cream is a bit boring twice, and we could have some excellent food" said Harry.
That yielded a faint "hmh" from Daphne.
"At Hogwarts, eating at the great hall will do." said Sirius. "Then, once they turn sixteen, they will need to er... exchange saliva, and make one another laugh" admitted Sirius.
"They will also need to uh… spend an hour or more a week in close proximity." said Cyrus.
"Which will be social death" said Mrs Greengrass stiffly "Potter is a… "
"Ignorant, glory hound halfblood" said Daphne, and each word was like a physical blow to Harry.
"Uh… a running club?" suggested Harry.
Daphne shook her head wordlessly. Harry was all out of ideas.
The door opened and someone came in behind Harry.
"Sirius" said a woman formally "You forgot to invite me. How careless of you." The words were spoken politely, in an accent that sounded a lot posher than Harry usually heard. Sirius would occasionally sound like that, Harry mused.
Harry turned and there was a tall woman with dark brown hair standing there in a dark robe with green trim, wearing a very pointed witch's hat indeed. She had dark,hooded eyes and cheekbones that looked … vaguely like Sirius's. The nose looked familiar too.
"My cousin, Andromeda Tonks née Black." said Sirius smoothly.
"The eldest witch of the house of Black" said Andromeda politely "And thus involved in all marriage contracts, marriages and betrothals. My daughter, the Auror told me you were here."
"Ah… that little cousin" said Sirius tightly.
"So… Miss ?" said Andromeda sternly
"Greengrass, Daphne Greengrass" said Daphne nervously.
"Well, you're in Slytherin according to my agent. So that's a good start" said Andromeda.
"No it's not" muttered Sirius.
"We'll have a little party to celebrate this betrothal. The dining room seats fifty, so bring twenty" said Andromeda imperiously.
Mrs Greengrass looked furious "We were going to keep this a secret" she hissed.
"Ridiculous. Harry Potter-Black is the next Black of Black, and fairly famous for being... you know, and the youngest seeker in a century, and coming first equal in a contest for adults. He cleans up well," she waved a hand at Harry's robes "Though I hear his dancing is abysmal. I'll see that remedied, unless Daphne is prepared to teach him how to please her herself" said Aunt Andromeda.
Harry blinked. Had Aunt Andromeda really just said that?
"We can do that" said Mrs Greengrass.
"The last part being the marriage vows." said Sirius "We can strike all but the three core ones"
"What would be stuck out?" asked Harry.
"Well… uh the heirs' clause, because ah… it's not the sixteenth century." said Sirius "And his cousin Nymphadora's older than Harry. She may find a husband and provide the next Black."
"Unlikely" said Andromeda in a stern and … somewhat disappointed tone.
"The uh… religious instruction clauses" said Sirius. "We're not… you know and well nobody is anymore."
"Uh... that would be up to Daphne actually. Change it to say as she wishes" said Harry. He had no idea what Sirius was on about… but any choices seemed like a choice.
Daphne Greengrass gave him a look down her nose and silently pointed at the contract. Her father scribbled a change and Sirius initialled it.
"Naming of children" said Sirius "We can cross that off."
"Stellar names are traditional" said Andromeda stiffly.
"Uh... can we change it to Daphne's call" said Harry "She's going to be the one getting pregnant, it's her say if she does what they get called."
"You seem to be giving Daphne as much power as you can" said Cyrus.
Harry nodded "I can't give her her freedom back, but she can have power."
"I would like full spending authority" said Daphne suddenly.
"Oh course" Harry agreed "You're as much in charge as I will be."
Daphne looked over at her mother and lifted her nose.
"Cyrus, does Daphne have any training in business?" asked Sirius.
"She's training to run our family business" said Cyrus.
"Well, I'll sign that" said Sirius, and scribbled in the contract.
Daphne Greengrass, Harry realised was looking a lot more er... snooty, but less pissed off.
"We will need a non-consenting sex clause" said Aunt Andromeda "For both parties, non-consenting activity to be punished by … death by exsanguination. My Sister went mad from the compliance clauses, and much as I disliked her, we can do better than that."
Sirius thought for a bit, and penned something that Cyrus signed, and Sirius counter-signed.
"One thing we need to discuss" said Andromeda "Is my sister and my nephew Draco Malfoy. He apparently dislikes Harry rather a lot. As he's still in the line of succession, Sirius, we'll need to cut Narcissa and Draco out of the family. Just as a safety measure."
"Did we have to have this conversation in front of the Greengrasses" said Sirius, sounding tired.
"Well, they're family, effectively. The rings go on in a little over two years, but we can assume neither will die. Though there seems to be a spare Greengrass." said Andromeda, and Harry couldn't help grimace. Aunt Andromeda seemed to being intentionally peculiarly tactless all of a sudden.
"Hello" said the chestnut haired girl weakly "I'm Astoria."
"How nice" said Andromeda "Much like Regulus, the sibling in the shadow of the older heir" she said with a sly smile.
"Astoria is not the subject of the contract" said Mrs Greengrass.
"Yes, though I do recognise her from St Mungos. The blood diseases wing" said Andromeda "Sadly the contract doesn't have an exclusion for people with inherited conditions."
"Which as it's our family would have had to include being a bit insane" said Sirius drily.
"Or just a temper" said Andromeda evenly. "Harry is only very distantly related and I believe looks like his father, apart from his green eyes. He will grow won't he Sirius?"
"James was ah… the same height as me" admitted Sirius "He'll grow another foot yet in fifth year if he's like James."
"They you go, he won't be a midget" said Andromeda. "As he's good at not dying, you can reasonably expect to have a meal together some time soon."
"And don't invite Draco Malfoy to the party" said Sirius politely "As someone cast out of the family, he's not welcome. Much like poor Andy for years."
"I married a muggleborn… from Hufflepuff" said Andromeda "And gave me dear sweet Nymphadora."
"The Auror" said Sirius blandly.
"She did get two hundred percent in her stealth and infiltration course" said Andromeda "She stunned and impersonated one of the examiners."
"Well, Harry did tell me how beautiful Daphne Greengrass was, but seeing her mother I can see where she gets it from" said Sirius.
Mrs Greengrass preened slightly. Harry could see a family resemblance, but Daphne's long face, ideally suited to looking down at people seemed to come from her father.
"When my cousin has finished with the flattery" said Andromeda "We need to agree on the wording of the engagement announcement."
"My life is ruined" moaned Daphne.
"Young lady" said Aunt Andromeda stiffly "You're betrothed into the house of Black. One of the oldest and most powerful families in England. Harry is adopted, admittedly, but not that disgusting to look at, magically powerful and has some quite impressive ancestors. His line was founded by marrying a Peverell. If his mother hadn't been muggle-born, even Sirius' mother would have been hard to find exception with Harry."
"Lily Evans for all that she was muggle-born" said Sirius "Became a prefect in fifth year, and Head girl. Ten NEWTS, four O's. Harry's father was Head boy, by the way, Eleven NEWTs, an O plus in transfiguration, and four other O's. What are your marks for the year ended, Miss Greengrass?"
"Um… five A's and two E's" admitted Daphne, and Harry felt sorry for her. Ouch.
"Well, you won't get prefect with marks like that, but don't be ashamed. Harry's are not much better, though he did have to take time out to fight a dragon, dive the dark lake and fight across a maze. He did come first equal though." said Aunt Andromeda. Her praise was a bit loaded, Harry thought, it really did sound like she'd expected him to just beat the other three champions.
"Why didn't you take the prize or half?" asked Astoria.
"Well, it's only a thousand galleons." admitted Harry "I've got piles of them at Gringotts."
"Harry's parents left him a decent pile" said Sirius nonchalantly.
"The size of the table" Harry explained and Sirius rapped him gnetly on the knee. "Don't brag about your wealth Harry, it's bad manners. Harry was raised by his muggle aunt who hates magic and didn't spend a knut on him." Sirius explained to the Greengrasses.
"Think of him as a fixer-upper" said Andromeda snidely. "Roxanne bring Daphne to Grimmauld Place tomorrow for morning tea. We will discuss women's matters, and Harry will sit politely and answer some questions best not overheard."
"I can keep a secret" said Sirius.
"That is not the general impression" said Andromeda and Harry winced. Sirius had spent twelve years in Azkaban for that, and hadn't done it.
"You don't know about some of the family magic, because you're a wizard. Harry can know because the contract will inflict it on him" said Andromeda. Harry's heart sank.
The meeting ended, and Harry got one just glance from Daphne Greengrass that was anything but angry. She looked… interested, as if he was a care of magical creatures exhibit.
