Harry Potter and the Method of Double-Tap.

An interlude for murder.

Hissing

Exams were nearly upon them when at a kissing meeting in a disused classroom, Daphne turned into a small green adder with gold scales around its eyes, which hissed at Harry.

"I can't talk to snakes any more since Aunt Andromeda and Tonks took the thing out of my scar" said Harry.

The snake nodded and said "Really, because I understood you perfectly well," in Daphne's voice.

"Um... Daphne you're just talking… and that looks pretty cool actually. A talking snake." said Harry.

Daphne changed back into a girl, and for a second there looked half-snake half girl.

"Daphne can you just do your legs?" asked Harry.

"Of course I can" said Daphne "I had to learn everything one piece at a time."

"Just do your legs, and look like a Naga. That's like a cool extra form. Great party costume if nothing else," suggested Harry.

Daphne frowned and shortened, an immense green tail exiting her robes.

"That's actually really awesome" said Harry. "Some fangs and snake eyes and you'd be a Naga."

Daphne opened her mouth and her teeth became fangs, the tongue forked, and her eyes changed to be snakelike

"Fe Froblwem" she said around her fangs "If I fant fawk froperly wif fangf" she lisped.

"Jut hiss?" asked Harry, and Daphne changed back to a mildly irritated witch. "I can't hiss till I completely change, and that makes me shrink till I'm only a foot long." she said grumpily.

"Well it makes a great Halloween party costume." said Harry "You look really scary, but still pretty."

"Well at least you can talk to me in snake form" said Daphne.

"Um… Daphne, I really can't. Animaguses can understand human speech in animal form." said Harry "Aunt Andromeda summoned a snake and I couldn't talk to it, it nearly bit me."

"You were definitely easy to understand. I've done it in bed and I have trouble with understanding my dorm-mates through the curtains, it sounds all muffled and weird" said Daphne surely.

"I'll go get Hermione, you be an adder, and I'll just get her to check I'm not hissing." said Harry.

"You can't tell you're doing it?" asked Daphne.

"Er, no?" said Harry. Daphne waited till Harry left the room, and rolled her eyes, she had standards to maintain after all.

Hermione was annoyed at being dragged from the Library.

Harry explained on the way back to the classroom that he'd summoned an adder and wanted to check if he could talk to it. Safely.

Daphne the adder was somehow sitting on a desk, coiled up.

Harry closed the door behind Hermione "Now, if anything weird happens, this needs to be a secret, right?" asked Harry.

"Harry, I've had far too many weird adventures with you not to know that" said Hermione. "Wow me with your parseltounge powers?" she asked mildly sarcastically.

"I can't do it any more, I'm pretty sure." replied Harry, and he went over and looked at tiny Daphne the adder "Hello?" he said. The snakes' tail waved in what Harry thought was an irritated looking way.

Harry conjured up some matchsticks. "How many matches?" he asked the adder.

"Four, and that's a stupid test" hissed Daphne. "I can count."

"Sorry, it's just Aunt Andromeda did the test and the snake nearly bit me and… so I really thought it was the thing." said Harry apologetically.

Daphne the tiny snake seemed to almost sigh "Fine, there are four."

Hermione was looking very interested "Harry, you're hissing to it, and it's hissing back. It's quite amazing to watch in controlled conditions. Can we do some experiments, see what an adder can do mentally?" she asked.

"Oh good grief" said Snake Daphne "She sounds like a foghorn. I never thought your voice would sound nice."

"Well, yours sounds exactly the same" said Harry "You have a very pretty voice, all that singing I think."

The snake turned its head to once side "You flatterer" she said.

"What are you saying?" asked Hermione. "Can it count?"

"This one needs a rest" said Harry, and Hermione drew her wand.

"Um, maybe don't banish it, Hermione. They get quite disoriented by the snake summoning charm and the banishing one is probably the same." said Harry to Hermione hastily.

Hermione stared at him, looking upset "Harry" she said eyes wide "You were hissing at me for part of that... Please don't. I'm sorry, I didn't think about the animal welfare angle of that. I'll never use the snake summoning charm again."

"I'll drop the snake off at it's nest later" said Harry "She understands me." Daphne nodded.

"Well, thanks for the help Hermione, um... back to the library." Harry said awkwardly.

-==0==-

The next evening Dean took Harry aside.

"What's with Greengrass? She's got this…. Wiggle in her walk now. Blimey. You and her going at it like rabbits?" he asked.

Harry went red in the face. "Not… exactly" he managed and ran for the loos. Urgent call of nature. Or a desperate need to wank. Which is a call of nature, of a kind.

The next morning, now that Dean had mentioned it, he couldn't not check out Daphne walking into breakfast. There was a definite increase in sexiness, and that had Harry in fits. Daphne had already been the most beautiful girl in the entire world, his betrothed and he'd seen her doing it, and now, she was even sexier.

Seamus wolf-whistled.

Harry lost it "Seamus" he said sharply "Can you not wolf-whistle my betrothed, please." he said grinding his teeth in annoyance.

"Crikey" said Ron "Harry's going mental."

Seamus looked over and made eye-contact with Harry "Never again" said Harry, feeling a surge of… an urge to take Seamus and shove his head into a toilet bowl.

Seamus nodded "there's no need to hiss at me" he said sulkily.

Hermione came out the castle of find Harry after the Transfiguration practical exam. Harry was leaning against a tree, not thinking about exams.

"Harry" said Hermione in a tone that suggested annoyance "Why did Daphne Greengrass want a privacy curtain for her Transfiguration practical? It's just turning a raven into a bloody writing desk."

"Oh" said Harry, wondering how to break this to Hermione. "Instead of being a prefect, she did an extra credit Transfiguration assignment all year." he said. "Her marks in fourth year were a bit rubbish, and well, she needed glasses, and then… an extra thing."

"What is it?" asked Hermione, walking around and staring Harry in the face, hands on her hips.

"She learnt to be an Animagus. Sirius was a lot of help, obviously, and it helped to have something as a family to give to Daphne… to make up for the whole contract thing."

"Sirius taught her to be an Animagus?" asked Hermione in a tone Harry thought sounded annoyed. He was getting better at recognising tones of voice from witches, he realised.

"With help and supervision by Professor Lupin." said Harry.

"Well, what is she?" asked Hermione.

"A little green adder with gold scales around her eyes" admitted Harry.

"That… that was Daphne you were hissing to!" said Hermione with sudden insight. "I might have wanted to learn, why didn't you?"

"I had a go but my animal's rubbish, so I'm not doing the rest" said Harry "Just drop it, okay."

"Where have you been going all year?" asked Hermione "Greengrass comes looking for you and you're not in the library."

"I've been studying… spells to be a better husband. Sirius doesn't teach household spells, and I don't know any, and we hardly learn any at Hogwarts" lied Harry.

"Like… putting up shelves?" asked Hermione "And mending sticking doors and windows?"

"And painting fences, pruning trees, mowing lawns, making lawns grow. There's a lot to learn" said Harry.

Hermione nodded and went a bit pink "And then there's…. grown up spells." she said. "The girls in dorms talk about that a bit. It's very embarrassing" said Hermione, turning away.

"That" said Harry with a sense of doom "Is the sort of conversation we're never ever having." he added, unenthusiastically. "I don't get to choose who, and neither does she."

"Well, you are unable to look at another girl if she's in the same room, so she's got that going for her" said Hermione. "Is that part of the cursed contract?" she asked, turning around and giving Harry a nervous frown, eyebrows like massive fuzzy caterpillars making a vee.

"Not until we're married." said Harry, trying to head off this line of inquiry "Then… we have to be very careful with on another, or the curses will drive us insane."

Hermione went pale in the face "Harry!" she gasped "You have to find a way out of it."

Harry exhaled. "There's no way out, we just have to get along, or go insane. I think I'll probably last a few months then, well Bellatrix LeStrange used a contract a bit like ours, and her husband wasn't careful, and she went mental. Before you ask, she was already a violent blood-supremacist, but she started cackling insanely and having crazy hair and stuff."

Hermione looked at Harry and burst into tears. "So… ," she sobbed,"a few weeks after your wedding, you'll be …" she sniffled and blew her nose noisily.

"Long-term spell damage ward probably" admitted Harry. "With Lockheart and Nevilles' poor parents, yeah. Hopefully I won't send Daphne there too."

-==0==-

Harry's trip to school for sixth year came with news. Odd News. Being a prefect he went to the prefects carriage and was waiting around, to find Daphne Greengrass arriving, wearing a Prefects badge. Greengrass stared at Harry, well, stared up at Harry, who'd finally grown nearly a foot over summer.

"There were some complaints about Pansy as a Prefect" said Daphne concisely.

Draco Malfoy stood next to Daphne and Daphne turned and said something very quietly to Draco, that had Draco move sideways quickly, like a very rapid shiver, combined with a jump.

The Head girl, Helen Patterson, who carried a clipboard and had a severe, no-nonsense look about her read out some rules, and assigned Harry with Daphne, on the grounds that they were betrothed anyway, and everyone knew they didn't exactly gush over one another.

Harry felt pleased, it would free up hours and hours of studying time, as he could overlap his spending-time-with-Daphne time and his Prefecting time.

"Greengrass, Potter, patrol the train till one, then come back here and get Bones and Malfoy." Susan looked like she was contemplating homicide that instant, and Draco looked very worried. Patterson had clearly thought long and hard about getting better prefect performance this year.

Sixth year started, with a feast, some sorting, all the usual.

Harry started out on his rounds of the castle outside the staff-room, as usual, and Daphne Greengrass arrived microscopically late. "I'm still sore from first quidditch practice" she said.

After checking two floors, she said "I've had an idea. Stop for a second!" and she turned into a small green adder and said from the floor "Now you can carry me."

"You'll need to go around my neck" said Harry "Or you won't be able to get down quickly if you need to change back to do actual work." and he picked up the little cool snake, who curled around his collar, then hissed out "Oh… your neck is nice and warm."

So Harry wore a snake around his neck for four more floors of patrols, then back down to the ground floor and back again.

"I'm really feeling like I'm doing all the work here" said Harry.

"It's fine" hissed Daphne "You're prefecting really well. I'll be backup if you need it."

"Am I going to end up carrying you around a lot later?" asked Harry.

"No I'm just sore, and you can't honestly say I'm heavy like this." hissed Daphne. [AN: Snake is speaking parsel, Harry also speaking it]

"No, I can hardly tell you're there. It's a lot like being alone really. Still, we're spending time together, and you're technically in skin contact with me" said Harry.

"It's cold as a little snake all alone in a big castle and you're a lovely warm rock" hissed Daphne.

"Quite." said Harry. "Have you looked at the transfiguration assignment yet?"

"McGonagall's being a right b-witch. Just because I got an O plus, I'm expected to do extra work all year" said Daphne.

"You'll get an O plus in your NEWT practical irregardless" observed Harry. "Which will pull almost any grade up to an O"

"True" hissed Daphne. "I have looked at the assignment, but which exceptions to Gamp's laws is the part I'm having difficulty with."

Harry and Daphne, even being a green adder, talked for several floors of patrols about the assignment, made agreement about the material, and then Daphne asked, "Why are you always weird around me?" she hissed.

"Well, you're the most beautiful girl in the world and I love you." said Harry.

"Why?" hissed Daphne. "I'm not that pretty. Fleur Delacour makes me look like a hag."

"She's not you." said Harry "And she's derisive of me."

"Potter, I've got news for you. I'm not that fond of you. You're clearly a decent wizard, and you do really well in defence, but your hair always looks awful and you have goons. And you'd never be with anyone from Slytherin if it weren't for the contract." Daphne hissed.

"Well, my hair just does this. It grows back overnight, and is always messy. All Potters have this, my dad apparently had the exact same hair. Sirius says my grandfather invented Sleekeazy's to tame it." said Harry.

"Your hair is magical?" asked Daphne in a quiet hiss.

"Magically awful, yes" admitted Harry. "And my friends aren't goons, I just... I never … they're the only friends I've got."

"Oh. Well, I won't call them goons. Ron Weasley is very rude. He calls us slimy snakes." hissed Daphne.

"You're lovely and silky, not slimy, your scales are like your hair." said Harry.

"You think my scales are nice, and my hair too?" hissed Daphne.

"Your hair is like silk" said Harry.

"It's the conditioner. Otherwise, it lays a bit flat" hissed Daphne. "I have to put it up or back-comb it to get it to have body. Or wave it and that's a pain."

"Well, it smells nice too" said Harry. "Your adder form is odourless as far as I can tell."

"I think so" hissed Daphne proudly, and she stuck out her tongue for a bit, scenting the air. "Yes, I really can't smell me over you." she hissed.

"Look I'm really sorry about the contract. If I could have done anything to prevent it happening, if I knew why, I would have done everything I could to stop it" said Harry.

"You really would?" hissed Daphne "Why do I believe you?"

"Well, snakes understand me when I speak pareseltounge, you're being a snake right now, so you understand me." said Harry simple-mindedly.

"Yay, couples therapy by transfiguration and a dark magical heritage" hissed Daphne. She sounded quite sarcastic.

"Oy, I don't think Parseltounge is dark at all" said Harry.

"You wouldn't, you're doing it" hissed Daphne.

"Look, we used to think it was from some dark magic of Voldemort's stuck in my scar, but Aunt Andromeda, Tonks and your mum got it out. It looked like I couldn't talk to a summoned snake, but maybe it was just too annoyed." said Harry. "And maybe I was just too upset." he said a bit more thoughtfully.

"I thought you hissed, that you just did it without knowing" hissed Daphne.

"Well, sort of. But let's say I thought it was his dark magic, not mine. That I was denying it." said Harry.

"Oh" hissed Daphne "And talking to me is less… difficult?"

"Well you're not a wild snake going to bite me for being summoned." said Harry.

"If you summoned me I'd bite you" hissed Daphne. "I'm not a dog to be called."

"Aunt Andromeda has her doubts about my family tree, says it's too tidy, though, I haven't told her I can speak parseltounge again" said Harry.

"That is unwise. She is the senior witch of your family." hissed Daphne. "And seems to have a temper."

Harry recalled a certain awkward incident of a dark lord being tortured. "I think I will owl her a letter" he said. "Just so she knows."

"So, you got that from your father, naturally" hissed Daphne.

"Um… or mum" said Harry "If dad could have talked to snakes, he would have used it in his war against Slytherin house. He didn't."

"But she was a muggleborn." hissed Daphne.

"That's the bit Aunt Andromeda thinks is too tidy, I think" said Harry.

"Do you think... when we egg that they will be like that?" asked Daphne in a morose hiss.

"I hope not" said Harry "People think I was the heir of Slytherin because I tried to save Justin from that Mamba"

"Oh, you told the mamba to stop?" asked Daphne in a small hiss.

"Yeah." said Harry. "It was confused then Gilderoy, that incompetent fraud made it angry."

"People shouldn't muck about with snakes" hissed Daphne.

"I'm pretty sure one of us is going to go mad from the compliance clauses after we're married" said Harry glumly. "I'm pretty much expecting to end up in St Mungos before the year's out."

"I'm expecting to be there within days. You'll be a typical boy and tell me to do disgusting things, and that will be it for me" hissed Daphne.

"I'm so sorry you're trapped in this with me" said Harry "I'll try very hard not to ask you to do anything awful."

"Thank you for that." hissed Daphne. "Considering how weird you are about me, I was pretty much expecting not to last the wedding-night out."

"Oh I'd never!" said Harry "I'm still not sure how to properly please a witch as it is."

"Well carrying me around and keeping me warm works" hissed Daphne.

"I meant…mating stuff" said Harry.

"Is that something we can't say in parseltounge?" hissed Daphne. "Mating stuff is exactly the problem. You'll want to."

[AN: It's eggs and mating in paresltounge. They're meaning one thing and saying another]

"I don't know how to do it properly. I can't find out from anyone else, so I'm reading a lot of books." said Harry.

"Properly?" hissed Daphne.

"Making sure you are properly pleased by the mating" said Harry. "For long enough and that."

"For long enough?" hissed Daphne.

"Girls take longer than boys" explained Harry. "Fifteen foolproof ways to woo your witch is a bit jokey about it, but I've read every book I can find."

"You're… trying to learn how to mate properly" hissed Daphne.

"So you'll be … pleased enough to want to mate, not to go insane" explained Harry. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have said."

"How many books have you read now?" asked Daphne.

"Um… all the ones I can find. The Blacks library had three, I read them over summer after the um, contract. Then all the ones I can find in the restricted section." said Harry "There are some spells."

"You're learning mating magic to please me?" hissed Daphne.

"Sorry. I just wanted for you to not go insane, and crazy hair and cackling and then, the Long-Term spell damage wing." explained Harry.

"Is that where you disappear to? To the restricted section to search for mating magic?" hissed Daphne.

"Er, yes" said Harry nervously. "So far I've found – "

"Don't say it" hissed Daphne. "I don't want to hear it."

"I was going to say I found all the contraception spells, and one for maidens, and well, one for um… lasting longer. It sort of works, but it's hard to test for longer than half an hour." said Harry.

"Longer than half and hour?" hissed Daphne "That's quick."

"Ten seconds is quick" corrected Harry.

"So what's the problem testing for more than half and hour?" hissed Daphne.

"It takes more than half an hour. I'm not rolling in free time." said Harry.

"You'd better find out how long that works for" hissed Daphne. "I need to know what I'm getting later."

Harry found that statement oddly reassuring. The risk of their wedding night sending Daphne immediately insane seemed reduced.

-==0==-

Harry found himself doing Patrol rounds carrying a green adder again.

"I did that experiment" hissed Harry.

"And?" hissed Daphne.

"Until I drop the charm" said Harry "I nearly ended up in the infirmary. After three hours I figured that was probably enough. Though – "

"Three hours?" hissed Daphne "One… go for three hours?"

"Is that going to be enough?" asked Harry.

"It will probably have to do" hissed Daphne.

"I um… I can do three a day" admitted Harry. "Though it sounds like a lot of work to do nine hours."

"Well, you'll just have to work on your fitness" hissed Daphne.

"Says the little green snake getting carried everywhere" said Harry.

-==0==-

"Have a good time with lover boy on 'Patrol'?" asked Tracey blinking not very innocently at Daphne as she got changed for bed.

"One thing about it, we have lots of time to talk" admitted Daphne. "He's terrified of messing up after we're married and driving me insane with the compliance clauses."

"Those are a barbaric oppression of witches" said Tracey.

"They work on him too" added Daphne.

"They're an essential part of a magical research" said Tracy like a cheery brown-haired hypocrite. "What CAN you make Potter do before he goes insane?"

"Well apparently he's found some spell to last at least three hours, and hopes that's enough" said Daphne blandly "Though that's three incompetent hours at his own admission."

"Well… a witch could train her husband. By the way, all witches need that spell." said Tracey.

"I'll make enquiries" said Daphne, and she sighed. "He honestly thinks he loves me, and really doesn't want anything bad to happen to me. He feels so guilty about me being in the contract."

Tracey stared at Daphne, who'd got into her ridiculous house-pride Slytherin green nightgown, and was fighting her hair into a night plait.

"And you know this is honest why?" asked Tracey.

"I just do" said Daphne. "Trust me, I can trust him. Which is weird, because he's so weird about me. He still thinks I'm the most beautiful witch on earth." Daphne shook her head.

"The problem with Potter" said Tracey "Is the contract. Without it, he's tall, dark, handsome, good at, at least some magic, has passable manners when he remembers, washes, doesn't have body odour – "

"He smells quite good" admitted Daphne. Tracy made fanning motions.

"And has spent years learning sex magic, and can last three hours. Can he kiss decently?"

"Better than he did." said Daphne "Still lacks oomph."

"And doesn't know how to please a witch"

"He is a good cook. Well... a bloody wonderful cook." admitted Daphne. "I'm going to end up very fat."

"Seems like he needs to learn some oomph, and how to please Daphne Q Greengrass, and he'd be, apart from the contract pretty near perfect." said Tracey. "I'd love a wizard that could manage three hours."

"Not exactly three, he only tried for three, then gave up, lasts till the charm is dispelled" said Daphne vaguely.

"Maeve preserve us" said Tracey "Your core's gonna get a workout."

"I'm not sure I even want to" said Daphne, crossing her arms. "I never would have talked to him without the contract."

"Without the contact he'd have gone out with some Gryffindor slag" said Tracey unkindly. "Ginny Weasley looks at you very poisonously."

"Oh Merlin, his friend's little sister. They are such povs. I suppose she decided to solve that problem with the first rich boy to visit whatever pigsty the Weasleys live in." said Daphne. "I'll have to look up poison detection charms I suppose."

"Daphne, how did you patrol for two hours after quidditch practice, and not need a shower?" asked Tracey quietly in Daphne's ear "Had a shower already you hussy?".

Daphne grimaced and whispered in Traceys ear "Harry carried me, I turned into you-know-what."

Tracey blinked and regarded Daphne "You lazy tart" she said "Getting carried around like the queen of sheba."

Daphne sat on her four-poster and pulled Tracey in, and shut the curtains.

"Well, he talks parsel to me while I'm an adder" whispered Daphne "He hass a dreamy voice like that."

"You what?" asked Tracey "That creepy hissing is dreamy?"

"When I'm an adder it is. Humans sound like someone's talking thought a tuba, but Harry sounds lovely." Daphne smiled slightly "He says I sound exactly the same as a snake, and thinks I have a pretty voice" she said with a slight smile.

"You're falling for him!" accused Tracey.

"No, just… he's not that intolerable, and all the hand kissing and helping in and out of carriages is nice" said Daphne hastily.

"If he really is that good a cook, and you get carried through prefect patrols, you really are going to end up the size of a whale." said Tracey.

"Quidditch practice takes a lot out of me." said Daphne.

"Your husband-to-be coaches us, then goes to Gryffindor practice. It really shows, and you're just eating chocolates and getting carried around." said Tracey half-jokingly. "Are his buns as hard as they look?"

"I have no idea. We don't do that sort of thing." said Daphne forcefully.

"Well, that makes no sense at all. Frankly if I got two hours with someone as fit as Potter I'd at least accidentally find out." said Tracey. "Wheras you'll just go to bed and cast shitty silencing charms."

Daphne went red in the face.

"And you don't even call out his name." said Tracey snidely.

"Leave me" said Daphne, pointing out of her bed.

"Not even a kiss goodnight for your bestest buddy?" asked Tracey.

"Get out before Lily starts up about us being lesbians again" said Daphne crossly.

"She wants you" said Tracey, with a snarky chuckle and got out of Daphne's bed.

Daphne cast two silencing charms once she'd left.

-==0==-

When Hermione Granger was interrupted in her assignment writing in the library by a polite 'ahem' she looked up angrily, and saw the unexpected face of Daphne Greengrass, blonde doom of her best friend.

"Greengrass" said Hermione, trying to reign in her irritation.

"Granger. I'm short of time to find a charm. Do you know where I can find a general-purpose detect poison charm?" said Daphne Greengrass.

Hermione blinked, and thought. "Emerys Emetics and Indicators is a potions book that does that, but for a charm. I really don't know one. Can I ask why?" she said.

"I… a friend noted that someone might want to poison me" admitted Daphne Greengrass remarkably openly.

"Harry would never!" exclaimed Hermione.

Daphne looked at Hermione in shock "Oh course not" said Daphne "Harry's convinced he loves me. He spends a stupid amount of time worrying about… afterwards. Cursed compliance clauses in the marriage contract."

Hermione cast a privacy charm and her brows furrowed, eyebrows crashing together like colliding brown caterpillars. "Compliance clauses?" she asked "What?"

"After we wed, if we try to resist what the other says, we can go insane." said Daphne, exhaling. "Harry's scared he'll accidentally send me insane."

"So you'll… just go along with whatever he asks?" asked Hermione, eyes getting larger.

Daphne sat down and twisted her hands together, and took a deep breath.

"No" said Daphne "Once we're married…. As soon as I have time, I'll drink a perfectly respectable cup of Hemlock. The contract won't re-bind on my sister."

Hermione went pale "You're just… going to … kill yourself" she whispered.

"I'm not going to be some toy for a delusional boy" said Daphne precisely, her blue eyes glinting with moisture.

"Can't you… do something else?" asked Hermione.

"Bellatrix Black and Rodolphus LeStrange used part of the old Black contract when they married, to be creepy dark magic using arseholes. Rodolphus must have asked Bellatrix to do something she didn't want to, and she went insane." said Daphne "I'm not going to be the next bloody Bellatrix LeStrange."

"And the thought of killing Harry never occurred to you?" said Hermione crossly. "One poisoned meal and you'd be free."

"If Harry Potter dies before he marries me" said Daphne, face pinched with anger "I have to marry bloody Sirius nutter Black. He's old and weirder than Potter."

"It… switches to Sirius Black?" said Hermione, her hands shaking "That's disgusting."

"Disgusting is knowing that on my wedding night Potter can say… suck my willy, and if I don't I'll go insane." said Daphne.

"Harry wouldn't!" said Hermione defensively.

"Oh don't be so naive Granger. They all want it." said Daphne. "His aunt Andromeda added a contract clause that makes non-consenting sex cause death by exsanguination in the do-er. Harry can drive me insane, but he'll die if it's for sex."

"I… so if you get married then die, your sister is safe from it" said Hermione hollowly.

"I" said Daphne sniffing "Had plans. I was going to go to the Ministry, or maybe St Mungos. Healing sounds interesting, but there is a lot of blood and ickyness."

"Harry wouldn't interfere with your career. I just know he wouldn't." said Hermione stoutly.

"Don't tell Potter about my… plan. If I find out, you'd better look out" said Daphne. "Adders can get in anywhere."

"Who are you afraid of" asked Hermione "Apart from Harry after marriage." she added.

"Ginny Weasley. Apparently she looks at me like she wants me dead. Hades knows she only has to wait till my sister's safe." said Daphne.

"I… know Ginny, I'll make sure she leaves you alone." said Hermione.

"Well that's a great promise, but excuse me if I don't think the goody-goody princess of Gryffindor can control Ginny-hex-you-as-soon-as-look-at-you-Weasley." said Daphne.

Hermione stared wide-eyed at Daphne "The" said Hermione haltingly "The Goody-Goody princess of Gryffindor?" she asked. "You realise I hang out with Harry and Ron, and they're the biggest pair of rule-breakers, including the Weasley twins?"

"People assume you're just there to do their essays and … perform services" said Daphne obliquely.

Hermione snorted "Not bloody likely" she said "Harry's like my little, disaster-prone brother. Ron's… well Ron's the other one of us three. He knows things about wizarding Britain neither of us do, and that's got us out of a lot of jams. And he knocked out a troll to save me when he was eleven."

"I thought that was Harry" said Daphne.

"Harry just stuck his wand up its nose. It was disgusting. Troll bogies." smiled Hermione.

"So Weasley does the actually Heroic bits, and Harry's just having bad luck the whole time?" asked Daphne, looking annoyed.

"Ron's brave, but... Harry's insanely brave. He fought off all those Dementors to save Sirius. I have no idea how he does it. That thing at the end of the tri-wizard tournament, the maze, then the portkey. He actually beat Voldemort for the third time, and before you ask, the second time was end of first year. He's mentioned maybe wanting to be an Auror. That's a magical policeman, right?" said Hermione.

"A dark-wizard catcher. The Hit-Wizards do law enforcement, Aurors do the really ugly stuff. I suppose If he does that I might not need to kill myself." said Daphne.

"For gods' sake!" exclaimed Hermione "You can't seriously plan to kill yourself. Is he that bad a kisser?"

"His kisses lack oomph" said Daphne. "I certainly don't lie in bed thinking about them."

Hermione sighed "You" she said "Are a spoiled pure-blood princess. Harry thinks the sun shines out of your...admittedly fairly shapely arse."

"And he's an awful quidditch coach" said Daphne, eyeing Granger through slitted eyes.

"Why the hell is he doing that?" asked Hermione, and Daphne explained, mentioning in passing her hot soak in the prefects' bathroom. And that Harry was okay with a loofah.

"And he scrubbed your back?" said Hermione "Crikey. Did you let him see anything?"

"Of course not. He's already weirdly obsessed." said Daphne.

"Do... you not like boys?" asked Hermione awkwardly.

"I went to the Yule ball with a cute boy from Beauxbatons, Claude Rene" said Daphne. "He danced well, spoke French all night, and kissed me goodnight."

Hermione sighed and slumped "I went with Viktor, so he could get away from fangirls, and he danced well, but he hardly speaks English, and I don't speak Bulgarian." said Hermione. "The boy I wanted to ask me out waited too long, and I had to help Viktor out. He gets a very hunted look on his face when he's hiding from fangirls."
"Who?" asked Daphne.

"Don't tell anyone." said Hermione.

"You have one of my secrets already" said Daphne.

"Ron" said Hermione in a small voice. "He is actually terribly brave, and though he looks like a lazy git, he gets E's. Just like bloody Harry."

"Oh… you're not… gay. How do they do that" hissed Daphne. "Everyone knows neither of them studied much, and they get E's."

"Um" said Hermione, ignoring the first bit. "Your grades weren't very good… before."

"I admit I needed glasses." said Daphne. "And I can now fly decently, and play chaser in Quidditch. And Harry taught us all how to free-fall using magic. He doesn't do it very well."

"What" said Hermione "Is free-falling?"

"You get off your broom and fall, then reach out with your magic and slow down. Done properly, one can fall any distance and land gracefully." said Daphne airily. "Harry lands like a sack of lead and falls to one knee and his fists."

Hermione's head was tilted "Why?" she asked crossly "Didn't Madam bloody Hooch bloody teach us that first, the stupid old bat?" she asked going red in the face.

Daphne snorted "Oh my god, Granger swears?" she exclaimed.

"You bet your uptight Slytherin arse I do." said Hermione. "Just not at school. We're prefects after all. Robust language is not appropriate at school."

"Granger" said Daphne "You're much less boring than I thought you'd be. And less help. I still need a poison detection charm."

"Seventh year charms textbook, page three hundred and two" said Hermione offhandedly.

Daphne blinked "You… know the page number?"

"Memorised it in second year." said Hermione "I couldn't cast the charm, but I kept reading it damn thing and trying."

"Is it hard?" asked Daphne.

"Easier than a ribbon cutter, harder than a full-body-bind" said Hermione blandly.

"Why" asked Daphne sharply "Would you learn a ribbon cutter? That's a quite dark combat spell."

"In case we get surrounded by enemies again" said Hermione. "I'm not quick in a fight, but with that, there won't be much of one."

"Granger, Strangely, I find you entertaining company. Just… please no pleading the case of Potter. He's weirdly obsessed. He keeps saying I'm the most beautiful witch on earth." said Daphne.

Hermione shook her head. "Okay, he likes horse-faced blondes." she said.

"I'll ignore that remark, Granger. For reference, Fleur Delacour is apparently too derisive of Harry for Harry, but the bit that's insane is he then said 'and she's not you.'" said Daphne.

Hermione blinked and took a deep breath. "Okay" she said slowly. "I'll accept that Harry seems to be weirdly obsessed with you. Really, as he's not going to get handsy, it's pretty harmless."

"How do you know that?" asked Daphne. "Have you snogged him?"

"Harry… when I met him I think nobody had ever hugged him. He just stood there, like a plank, motionless till I let him go." said Hermione.

"Well, you'll be glad to know apart from having to exchange saliva, that's how he kissed too." said Daphne. She thought for a bit "In all fairness, he has got better than the first time. Which was like kissing a dress-makers dummy, with a tongue."

"Have you um… complained?" asked Hermione. "That it lacks oomph?"

"I don't want to encourage him" said Daphne. "What if he got handsy."

"Slap Him." said Hermione. "He would um… take it."

"Is… he some weird masochist?" asked Daphne, with a grimace.

"He… his guardians, before Sirius… I suspect they didn't love him. He's let few thing slip, and in second year they locked him in his room and barred his windows" said Hermione.

Daphne sighed.

Someone invisible sat down at their table and appeared slowly, a witch in a long leather coat with short pink hair appearing "Hello dearies" said Tonks, pushing back her chair and resting her Doc Martens on the table "Care to tell me what Harry's best female friend and betrothed were talking about under a privacy charm?" she asked, waving her wand lazily in the air.

"Madam Pince will pitch a fit at boots on the desk" said Hermione.

"Pincey and I go way back" said Tonks "And she won't see anything. Part of my charm" she said and snorted.

"Tonks, so nice to see you" said Daphne politely.

"Come on spill it" said Tonks. "You two were getting very animated and whatever Daphne told you, you just about blew a blood vessel."

"I'm not staying married to your cousin for long." said Daphne.

"You can't divorce" said Tonks "Or mum would have made Sirius pre-pay for your divorce."

"Hemlock" said Hermione nervously.

"Oh for Maeve's sake" said Tonks "If you Knew the work we put in to fix him up for you. A week underwater in silver chains was the easy bit!"

"I will not accept life under compliance charms from an obsessive man." said Daphne stiffly "Once we are wed, my sister is safe, and I can die without being forced to do disgusting things."

"Those things aren't anywhere near as disgusting once you're in the mood, you know" said Tonks.

"Don't be gross" said Daphne.

"Well… a clever witch, a really clever one would just say, as soon as you were married "Harry dear, never ask me to do anything I might find disgusting." said Tonks.

Hermione and Daphne looked at Tonks and thought for a bit then blinked. "Wow" said Daphne.

"Honestly, Granger you might be clever" said Tonks with a small grin "But I've got an O in Defence against the Dark Arts and Auror training. I'm disappointed with you Daphne, I was really hoping that part of that Slytherin cunning might let you work that out."

"But… anybody could neutralise those compliance clauses in a minute if that works" said Daphne.

"And anyone can." said Tonks "Unless you're a weirdo into dark magic like my insane aunt."

Hermione opened and closed her mouth.

"That … those compliance clauses… they're… a test, sort of" said Hermione "A sensible witch can neutralise them in seconds. A stupid witch… well… she might go insane, and ew… deviants would just smirk at each other and …. ew."

Tonks nodded "The contract was probably written by a deviant originally. Now, Miss Greengrass, can I take you off suicide watch?"

"I suppose so. Why didn't you tell me sooner. I've been miserable." said Daphne.

"Well… it's none of my business if you're a deviant." said Tonks, like she was talking about the weather. "You turn into a snake and wrap yourself around Harry's neck what am I supposed to think?"

"I'm a foot long adder. He's warm and I was tired." said Daphne.

"Harry's extra trouser snake" said Tonks casually, and Daphne spluttered "Not at all!" she said.

"And turning into a Naga?" asked Tonks "That's not a weird sexual thing between you two?"

"It's just doing three body parts and not the rest" said Daphne defensively.

"Just a suggestion, Daphne" said Tonks, opening her mouth and her teeth changing into snake-like fangs for a moment "Those are weapons you can never have taken off you."

"Tonks" asked Hermione "Can you change into anything you can think of?"

"I've got to look vaguely human" admitted Tonks, and flowed and changed into Hermione. "Course, I can look like almost anybody. Works better than disillusionment to sneaking up on people." said Tonks in Hermione's voice.

"Hermione" said Daphne "We need to organise some recognition questions, in case of Tonks"

"Or Polyjuice" said Hermione.

"That's the spirit girls, constant vigilance." said Tonks. "Oh, and Granger, try asking the bloody boy out. He's not a mind reader. And you, Daphne, anything else wrong?"

Daphne explained about Ginny Weasley.

"Oh poor dear" said Tonks. "Still, you know what they say about Gryffindor girls."

Hermione looked offended "What do they say?" asked Hermione.

"Well, you're practically a Ravenclaw, aren't you?" asked Tonks. "They're all a bunch of … pushy witches."

"Tonks, what house were you in ?" asked Hermione.

"Hufflepuff, of course" said Tonks, changing back to Tonks and standing. She left with a cheery wave.

"Have you ever thought that the worst part about marrying Harry is marrying the Blacks?" asked Hermione.

"About a third of the time, more now I know the trick with the one order" said Daphne.

"If… you do that, Harry can't order you to do anything beastly without going insane." said Hermione thoughtfully "If non-consenting sex makes him bleed to death, what were you afraid of?"

"Granger. What's the most disgusting thing you can think of that's not sexual?" asked Daphne.

Hermione went a bit green, "Harry wouldn't …" she said.

-==0==-

Harry stopped their patrol after a few minutes the next night.

"Well, are you going to change?" he asked.

"I'll walk" said Daphne "Exercise is healthy, after all."

-==0==-

"Harry?" asked Hermione, as Harry packed up his notes in charms.

"Yeah?"

"A quick word in private" said Hermione.

Harry cast a privacy charm, to the obvious approval of Professor Flitwick.

"Daphne and I were talking, and – " said Hermione.

"Oh god. I've done something wrong, haven't I ?" Harry interrupted, looking worried.

"You aren't putting any oomph into your kisses" said Hermione.

"They're just medicinal" protested Harry.

"That's actually a gross way to think about it" said Hermione. "Pick your game up, Potter!" she said in a bad impression of Oliver Wood.

-==0==-

For Harry's next scheduled kissing session, he held Daphne gently, leaned down and kissed her repeatedly, just gently pecks, then held her hair and snogged vigorously.

Daphne's hands, on Harry's shoulders beat at him gently and he stood back up, Daphne looking wide-eyed and a bit pink-lipped.

"What was that all about?" she asked, chest heaving.

"I observed that other people kiss a bit more… energetically" said Harry "Thought you might need a better kiss."

"Was there even enough saliva exchanged to be medicinal?" asked Daphne sternly.

"Well, I dunno, but we can always have another go" said Harry with a smile.

"Not getting Handsy!" she said. "You touch my bum and I'll hex you."

After two minutes of passionate snog from Harry with a hand in her hair, the other in the small of her back, Daphne pushed Harry away and hung off his neck, panting "Don't think that because you kiss me like that one time, you are entitled to liberties" she said, pink-lipped and panting.

"I'll have to make do with dreams" said Harry gazing adoringly at Daphne's face.

"All right., let me go, you great oaf" said Daphne.

Harry let go of Daphne's hair and back and stepped back uncomfortably.

[AN: Yes, Harry does a MCU Movie style hero landing every time, and is looked down on for it. Snerk]