Harry Potter and the Method of Double-Tap.

An interlude for murder.

In which our hero decides to do something that's not illegal.

Aunt Andromeda fed Harry breakfast.

"And how are you young man?" she asked.

"Well, I think I might have found some perspective" said Harry.

"So, are you going to do something useful now?" asked Aunt Andromeda "Your letter claimed you are still a parselmouth."

"Yes" admitted Harry.

"You could go to India, lean to be a parseltounge healer" said Aunt Andromeda. "We don't have one in England."

After the talk, Harry decided to er, go learn to be a doctor. Not to impress his ex-girlfriend or anything, but something… only Harry can do.

Harry got a portkey to India, to old Magical Delhi. Classes were a challenge for Harry, but at least he could learn to be a healer. The other students on the course could all speak parseltounge. And most of the lessons were in Parseltounge.

But the textbooks about the working of the magical human body were, by default in Hindi. Harry owl-ordered in books in English and Latin instead.

It was far harder than NEWTs, and was going to take years.

After his first year, however, he had rounds with one of the instructors, and he could cast simple parseltounge and ordinary magic to treat simple medical problems.

Another year passed, with trips back to Britain and France.

His château's tenant farmers were mildly impressed he was "at medical school."

Aunt Andromeda asked hard questions. Like an exam, but over Christmas dinner at her house.

Harry went back to Delhi, and back to rounds. A couple of the female healers in the class took Harry to dinner, and thence to bed. Harry found it all a bit awkward and wasn't able to keep his attention on the witches in question over months at a time. Coursework was just too demanding.

Four more years passed, and Harry finally graduated as a healer. His holiday conversations with Aunt Andromeda had progressed to technicalities, and the differences between regular magical healing and parseltounge healing. He was dragged into the kitchen by uncle Ted to help cook at Yule every year.

Andromeda took Harry's application for a position at St Mungos the Yule he'd finished medical training. "Given that you're the only parselmouth healer in Britain, you will likely get a position, at least part-time."

"Well, there's always the Ambulance Magicale in Paris" said Harry blandly.

Sirius gave him a technically not Black family house on the edge of Gloucester as a 'godson's present for becoming a respectable healer.' It had three bedrooms, and very… character filled. Lots of original features, from the seventeenth century. It had been a Black family rental apparently.

Harry was sitting at St Mungos reading a journal when a medi-witch came in "Healer Potter, we've got an odd case."

"Oh, how delightful" said Harry sardonically. "I take it they're a repeat customer?"

The medi-witch smiled politely. Harry was slowly but steadily being assigned all the cases that didn't get better from ordinary spells and potions.

Harry followed her along to an exam room.

In the room, sat Astoria Greengrass, looking quite haggard.

"Harry Potter?" she said weakly.

"Healer Potter is just back from India. Our new resident Parselmouth healer" said the medi-witch.

Harry picked up the file and flicked through it, while the witch closed the door.
"Born with a blood malediction" said Harry "And is this a family thing or a curse on you particularly?"

"It's a family thing. It skips generations." said Astoria.

Harry cast a parselmouth diagnostic charm and made a note of the results on a fresh page of her file. Several hours later, he looked at Astoria. "And healers have told you what." he asked.

"It will kill me. I've got years not decades" said Astoria, with a slight wobble in her voice.

Harry nodded "A reasonable description" he said "However, the curse isn't totally resistant to being broken. Certainly to ordinary spells, but parselmouth spells are different. There's a reason an aescepelus has a snake on it, after all."

With that. Harry started casting a really slow parselmouth spell, ending by gently picking up the end of Astorias' hair with his wand and sliding it off the wand.

"Am I cured?" asked Astoria.

"No" said Harry "But I've probably managed to fray the curse a little."

Harry cast a short diagnostic charm and noted the result "Slight fraying in the enchantment" said Harry with a nod "Another twenty treatments and you should be on the road to recovery. Your own magic will pick you back up, but you will need to make appointments, probably every few days, and as I said, about twenty."

"You think I'll get better?" asked Astoria frowning.

"Don't sound so optimistic" said Harry "It's take me six years to learn this kind of magic, and it's rare even in India."

"But… I'm dying" said Astoria.

"Well, I'm healer, so that's not what I'm about" said Harry "Make some appointments, and with any kind of luck at all, you'll get better. You should get any other family members with it to make appointments."

"Nobody else has it" said Astoria "It skipped father, and Daphne doesn't have it."

"Your father was, and still is, at least a carrier" said Harry politely. "Your sister will need treatment, in the event she has issue."

Astoria blinked. "You'll have to treat her, won't you?" she asked.

"She can instead go to India for several weeks" said Harry. "Either way, she needs treatment, and your father should consider it at least. It may activate later in life, or simply shorten his life a little."

"And… twenty treatments?" asked Astoria.

"I will need to make measurements of the malediction in everyone to determine how long the thing will take to treat. Best case, as the enchantment fails on your case, a professional enchanter can take measures of it, and determine a weakness a professional curse breaker can exploit. I can remove it, but given enough technique by a curse-breaker, perhaps your family can be cured faster.

"I will ask father" said Astoria. "Do you still miss my sister?" she asked suddenly.

"It has been what, seven years?" said Harry "And several witches later."

"Oh" said Astoria.

-==0==-

The Greengrasses paid for an enchanter to measure the decomposing enchantment, and a cursebreaker called Synde to exploit a slight vulnerability in the enchantment.

"Never would have found it if Potter hadn't cut it to bits" said Cursebreaker Synde, a nearly middle-aged witch with blue hair.

Cyrus Greengrass winced as the curse was lifted "I felt that right to my bones" he said. "And I thought I didn't have it."

Cursebreaker Synde nodded "Well, I can go clear the last Greengrass. You need to see them, Potter?"

"I'd rather not" said Harry very politely. Cyrus nodded.

-==0==-

Harry's next patient was a Marietta Edgecombe.

The name rang a bell.

The witch came in, wearing a hood. Harry looked at her file 'cursed scars on face.'

"Um, show me your face, if you would?" asked Harry "I can't treat what I can't see."

The witch, lowered her hood, and on her face, mostly covered in makeup was acne scarring spelling out the word 'sneak.'

Harry nodded thoughtfully "The scars are cursed" he said.

Marietta nodded. She looked quite pale and drawn, and her fingernails, Harry noticed were bitten to the quick.

Harry lifted his wand "Now, I'm going to clean your face off, and then take a good look at the scars, do some detections."

Marietta sighed "Sure" she said unenthusiastically.

"I can get the scars off your face" said Harry.

"But not your own" said Marietta.

"It hardly bothers me any more" said Harry "And everyone wants to see my badly healed curse scar."

Harry cast a charm on Marietta he'd used on Teddy's bum once upon a time, and her face cleaned off, the scars quite visible.

Harry nodded, and for forms sake, mostly cast a few detection spells. There was a weak curse stuck to Marietta's head.

Harry sighed "I'm going to remove the curse first" he said, and lifted his wand "I'm going to lift your hair-ends with my wand, probably for twenty minutes or so. Frays the spell."

Marietta nodded, and Harry set to work fraying the curse, which fell apart before Harry's arm fell off.

"Right" said Harry, feeling pleased "Now to move those scars somewhere they get ignored."

"Move them?" asked Marietta "I thought you were going to remove them?"

"Moving them's straightforward. I was thinking, up in your hairline somewhere. I have to move one at a time. Your hair will cover them." said Harry.

Harry held his wand to a scar, and hissed. The scar sizzled slightly and Harry dragged it up into her hair. One down… many to go.

When Harry finished, he lifted his wand "Well, you're cured. Or near enough" he said "Do try to use sunscreen, it will stop the new skin burning."

Marietta reached into her handbag and opened a small silver mirror and gasped, then she applied foundation instead.

She looked up at Harry, "I'm cured, Thank you… Healer Potter. I'm so grateful."

"Well, this is my job. Just try not to piss off witches with magical contracts" said Harry.

Marietta laughed hesitantly "Great joke, Healer Potter "she said "Joking about your cursed contract, and poor Daphne Greengrass."

Harry smiled stiffly "Yes. You can leave now" said Harry.

After Marietta had left, Harry wrote in her file "Treated cursed acne scarring. Removed original curse, moved acne scars into hairline. Patient needs treatment for foot in mouth disease."

Harry set to his immense backlog of uncurable cases. He looked, again at the Longbottoms, but their file showed literally everything, including a parselmouth healer had been brought in. Harry sighed. Poor Neville, poor Frank and Alice.

There were some elderly witches with cursed broken bones that Harry felt, with potions and parsemouth magic, might be somewhat treatable. Get them out of their wheelchairs anyway.

Harry started looking deeper into the first case file.

-==0==-

The next patient, a day later had a suspected curse.

Harry put a place-mark in his four-foot tall backlog of untreatable files records had kindly left on his desk and turned in his captains chair "And what is the problem exactly?" he asked.

The witch sat, and lowered her hood, revealing blonde hair and blue eyes, and a long face with an aristocratic nose.

"I desire to be checked for a blood malediction" said Daphne Greengrass.

"I see" said Harry, lifting his wand and starting with some simple diagnostic charms.

After three charms, Harry switched to parselmouth spells and looked for remnants of the same curse he'd treated in her sister. It was there, a blackish wisp around her magical aura, looking unstable and like it was fading. And over the top, a far more complicated curse in blackish blue.

"I can detect a similar curse to your sisters" said Harry "But it looks like it's fading."

Harry paused "And a second curse."

"Can you please treat the family curse please" said Daphne very formally "I would appreciate the certainty."

Harry started on a slow charm in parselmouth, then slowly picked up the end of her hair with his wand and let if fall off. Daphne straightened her hair "Don't tease me" she said, sounding mildly irritated.

"I'm catching the edge of the enchantment with my spell and fraying its connection to your aura" said Harry "It's easier to do on the ends of your hair. It can be done on the ends of your fingers, but it's easier on hair."

"Oh" said Daphne Greengrass "I didn't know that."

"Well, you could spend six years learning it of you were a parselmouth" said Harry.

"And the second curse?" asked Daphne Greengrass formally.

"Significantly more complicated." said Harry "It's the most complicated curse I've ever seen."

Daphne Greengrass crossed her arms "And are you going to attempt to treat that?" she asked.

"It may take some time" said Harry.

Eight appointments later, Harry could see the first enchantment finally wither and fail.

"You're cured, Miss Greengrass, of the smaller curse" said Harry.

"And the complicated one?" asked Daphne sternly.

"Now you only have the one, yes" said Harry, and he started trying to fray the complicated curse.

-==0==-

Winter had come before Harry was finished with treating Daphne Greengrass's complicated curse.

"You're finally cured, Miss Greengrass, of both curses" said Harry.

"Not entirely" said Daphne.

"What do you mean?" asked Harry.

"It's my heart" she said "It's racing."

"Really?" asked Harry and cast a diagnostic charm. She seemed fairly healthy. He held her wrist. Her pale, wiry wrist and checked her pulse. It was a little fast.

"Has this heart rate been a problem for a long time?" asked Harry, taking up his quill.

"Only recently" said Daphne.

"Well, how long has it been a problem?" asked Harry.

"A few weeks" said Daphne.

"And what causes this?" asked Harry.

"Since I've been feeling a lot better" said Daphne "Every time I'm near this man, my heart races."

"And who's that?" asked Harry.

"And old boyfriend" said Daphne.

Harry nodded "Well, it sounds to me like you just have feelings. Apparently you're capable of that," he added drily.

"Well I have had years to get over the cursed contract thing," said Daphne politely.

"Ditto" said Harry "I er, found that um… ceasing to be chaste broke the spell a bit."

Daphne lifted raised one eyebrow "Really?" she said "I wouldn't ever have expected that to be a hormone-driven obsession" her voice dripping sarcasm.

"I uh… saw you naked. By the stream, having… a good time" said Harry, blushing "I was invisible at the time."

Daphne coughed "You saw me ..."

"It was a very influential sight on a young man" said Harry.

"And you… got obsessed" said Daphne, snorting.

"I did do a divination of my future love and I did see and older you smiling" said Harry honestly, and Daphne smiled at him… and the scene caused profound deja-vu as it was the same exact scene. Harry clutched his head in pain "Ow" he said. Pain on sighting a scene viewed by diviational technique, thought Harry, I really should make a note of that. There's a journal paper in that.

"What?" asked Daphne, stepping closer and lifting his head with her cool, strong hands.

"When I said that, that was the exact scene I saw from the divination" said Harry.

"Well, you should have got an E on that" said Daphne "It's you."

"What?" asked Harry. She what.

"Well, you saved my whole family… and you're a respectable doctor." said Daphne "Dinner at Gaincarlos?"

[AN: for additional amusement you might listen at this point to the comedy song Goodness Gracious Me.]

Harry agreed to have dinner with Daphne at Gaincarlo's. It was funny, Harry thought, once upon a time this would have been a tense thing. Harry felt quite relaxed.

Dinner and some conversation happened. Daphne was taking over the running of her father's business slowly, apparently father "was going to spend more time with mother."

She made some pointed remarks about Harry not keeping up coaching the Slytherin women's team.

Harry finished his dessert and looked over the cup at Daphne. She was stabbing little pieces of fruit with a long fork and daintily eating them.

"Penny for your thoughts?" asked Harry, feeling oddly at ease. It was like a return to the old days, without the fighting.

"Get Black to where you once belonged" said Daphne.

"You might get caught up in a cursed marriage contract" said Harry.

"If you couldn't break that given your skills, you'd just have to be nice." said Daphne.

"Well I suppose" said Harry.

"There is one problem tonight" said Daphne "I have far too much work on to spend any more time finding out if you're still a good kisser."

After they left Gaincarlos, Harry found Daphne in his arms, looking up "But one kiss, just to check?" she said, and stood on tip-toes and leaned onto Harry's lips. Harry kissed back, and while he didn't feel a magical sensation of all his aches and pains going away, it was quite good. Daphne tasted of mango and strawberry.

She stood, holding Harry's coat lapels in both hands. "My heart does feel odd" said Daphne.

"I prescribe regular exercise, fresh food, and kisses" said Harry.

"Will the kisses help?" asked Daphne.

"Progressive desensitisation will leave you less troubled by it" said Harry.

"I'd like to be troubled by it tonight, but I have an import tax declaration to file tomorrow. Can you fit me in on Thursday?" asked Daphne, her lips a shade of pink that told Harry immediately, her heart was in fine condition. And that she was somewhat aroused. A feeling, Harry reflected, that he shared.

"Every night would work better" said Harry "Though I will probably have some long days this week, and I'm on nights in two weeks."

"Are you serious about the exercise?" asked Daphne, lowering.

"You have been spending a lot of time at a desk, yes?" said Harry "A jog every few days, some sparring practice, even flying a broom."

"What about dancing?" asked Daphne.

"Well, vigorous dancing, or um… similar exercises would work too" said Harry, the right side of his mouth twitching.

"Well I don't know, I'll see what I can fit in" said Daphne innocently. She gave Harry a peck on the cheek, sauntered off a little and apparated away.

I need, thought Harry, to tidy my house.

-==0==-

Sirius Black came to visit the next morning, stepping out of the fireplace looking a bit alarmed.

"Harry!" he called "Are you all right?"

Harry put down his tea-towel. "I think so, yes" he replied.

"It's just" said Sirius "That there was a fire at Grimmauld place, the old marriage contract caught fire, burnt the bookcase to cinders."

"What?" asked Harry. A post owl dropped off a red letter that shook and exploded into a mouth.

"YOU BURNT MY FATHERS STUDY DOWN YOU IMBECILE!" screamed a howler from, Harry surmised, Daphne Greengrass.

"Harry?" asked Sirius "What exactly did you just do?"

Harry opened his mouth to speak, and stopped to think.

"I lifted a curse on Daphne Greengrass, she turned up at St Mungos as a patient" said Harry.

Sirius frowned "The Black family contract?" he asked. "You destroyed the cursed Black family marriage contract?"

Harry bit his lip "Perhaps" he said, after a long think.

"Harry" said Sirius, eyes glinting "If you have, I can adopt you again!"

"Er, that would be nice, I suppose" said Harry. Sirius rubbed his hands together.

"That will also take care of the whole heir of the house of Black thing" said Sirius.

"What about Teddy?" asked Harry.

"Well, yes, but he's a bit young" said Sirius.

"He's at Hogwarts in a year" said Harry.

"But ..." said Sirius.

"Sirius, are you just trying to offload work, to me… a busy healer?" asked Harry.

Sirius looked shifty "It's not much work" said Sirius "Just a bit of property management."

"Sirius, my backlog of cases is four feet high!" said Harry crossly.

"Er" said Sirius "Well, I'll um… do the property management for a while longer then."

"And the Greengrasses?" asked Harry.

"Seemed a bit annoyed" said Sirius.

"Well, that seems like a Black family matter" said Harry "You can deal with that while I do my job."

"Well, I'll um, adopt you again later, after I've dealt with the ah, fire at the Greengrasses," said Sirius.

-==0==-

Thursday came and went, and Harry had a backlog of cases and no date.

Sirius sent a letter saying that he was footing the bill for rebuilding the Greengrasses study.

Oh well.

Daphne Greengrass did not reply to Harry's letters inquiring about another date.

-==0==-

Sirius issued a public notice of Harry being re-adopted into the family Black. And made heir.

The Prophet, rather satisfyingly used 'Healer Potter re-adopted by Black family.' as a title.

The only practical effect was an extra ring to wear, and being able to stay at a quite rennovated Grimmald place with Sirius and Annalisa from Magical Accidents and catastophies. Annalisa was, Harry discovered, a very dramatic woman with large eyes and big black hair. Harry resisted saying that she looked at all like Sirius's mother. Annalisa was putting off marrying Sirius 'Until I'm sure he's respectable.'

"How will you know?" asked Harry, over lunch on a day off that was even a weekend, for once.

"Well, a respectable wizard might propose somewhere romantic, give me a ring that wasn't covered in dark magic… that sort of thing" said Annalisa.

"Has he given you a set of courting jewellery?" asked Harry "The set I was given to use could, apparently fund a small revolution."

"Surely you don't want to do all that?" asked Sirius.

"Why not?" asked Annalisa.

"Kreahcer, go get the biggest set of courting jewellery" said Sirius.

Kreacher appeared with a pop, holding a horribly familiar box wrapped in brown paper.

"Why's it wrapped like a parcel?" asked Annalisa.

"That's the set my ex-girlfriend had" said Harry. "Still wrapped from when she returned it."

"And why aren't you seeing someone?" asked Annalisa "You're family, I can pry now."

"I um was" said Harry "There was an accident with um, her parents house nearly burning down."

"Why do they let him cast medical spells?" Annalisa asked Sirius.

"It's… complicated dear" said Sirius, and he opened the box and started taking out jewellery. "Bookmark, ring, bracelet, necklace, earrings" said Sirius, laying it on the table.

"How am I supposed to walk wearing all of that?" asked Annalisa.

"Well, a bookmark first" said Sirius, handing it to Annalisa.

"At least there's not golden girdles" said Annalisa.

"There might be in the vaults" said Sirius, with a toothy grin.

"No, bad dog" said Annalisa.

Harry left before something gross and/or medically inadvisable happened.

-==0==-

Harry treated many old withces for bone ailments over the next few months, but finally had a 'new patient' form arrive on top of the pile.

Harry turned from his records, and called out "come in!"

A cloaked witch came in, and Harry's heart beat faster. She closed the door, and Harry'd throat nearly closed up, and she sat down and lowered her hood. It was… Astoria Greengrass, not her sister. Harry tried to slump with disappointment discreetly.

"What appears to be your problem, Miss Greegrass?" asked Harry.

"Mrs Malfoy actually" said Astoria, waving her left hand, which had a huge diamond ring.

"Mrs Malfoy, what is the problem?" asked Harry.

"We're having difficulty conceiving." said Astoria Malfoy politely.

"There are specialists for that and I'm not them" said Harry rather bluntly.

"It's… spell damage." said Astoria.

"What?" asked Harry.

"Dracos… seed lacks… fertility. Overuse of certain charms might perhaps have caused it." said Astoria.

"You're fine?" asked Harry.

"You do good work. My husband's seed lacks potency, and the regular specialists lack… your abilities." said Astoria.

Harry took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, visualising a river flowing away, taking his urge to make an unprofessional remark with it.

"What charm?" asked Harry, taking the new patient form, and setting his quill to it.

"Priapus maxima" said Astoria, red-faced. Harry noted that, unsurprised.

"That spell has several counter-indications and should not be used overnight or for more than three hours." said Harry, and Astoria's face reddened.

"Like your sister then" said Harry blandly and a bit unprofessionally. "He'll have to come to St Mungos. I can't treat at a distance."

"You could make a house call" said Astoria.

"I'd rather not" said Harry. "Mister Malfoy can come here. Please ask your husband to refrain from using that charm until he's had treatment, it won't be helping."

"You burn down father's study, and now you want to humiliate my husband" said Astoria.

"That was an accident, and he can lick and finger to help you along before he attempts intercourse," said Harry as blandly as possible.

"Is that your professional advice?" asked Astoria.

"It's advice from a professional" said Harry, unable to stop one end of his mouth twitching.

"I'll see if I can persuade him to come in for treatment" said Astoria.

"I can't promise anything till I've done proper diagnostics" said Harry "And no, I can't use his existing file, I use different spells."

Two weeks later, Harry's schedule had a visit by a Draco Malfoy. Who turned up ten minutes late, looking irritated.

Harry waved him in "come in, close the door" said Harry.

Malfoy sat on the visitors chair.

"Your wife said you have damaged fertility." said Harry. Draco scowled.

Harry cast a charm, and nothing happened.

"Your robes are charm-resistant?" asked Harry "Get undressed and lie on the exam couch please."

"No" said Draco.

"Look Draco, I'm a healer, you need a second opinion at the very least, take off your spell-blocking clothes and lie on the bed." said Harry. "You can close the curtain and put on the cotton shift first."

Draco closed the curtain and ages later, called "I'm ready."

Harry opened the curtain, and the chair had a huge pile of clothes, and Draco was lying on the bed in the cotton shift.

Harry walked over and cast a detection spell. No obvious curses. Ten spells later, he tried a spell for detecting fertility in males. The result was… not terrible.

"Okay, that's quite promising" said Harry "Your testicles are in reasonable order, so the spell has caused a derangement of the plumbing the delivers the seed to the womb. It'll need reconstructive charms, and that will take a long time. Are you two in a desperate hurry for a child?"

"Why bother asking?" asked Malfoy, clutching his wand.

"There's a spell to pull the seed from your testicles directly. Usually used in erectile dysfunction cases. Are you still capable of a normal erection?"

"Of course I am!" said Draco indignantly.

"Well, overuse of priapus maxima can damage that too, so I had to ask" said Harry.

"Well that's great" said Harry "The mechanics of that part of your body are very … difficult to repair."

"So, are you going to treat me or not?" asked Draco sourly.

Harry prepared to cast a parseltounge medical visualisation spell "Draco I will need for you to expose your scrotum. The spell needs precise aim, and we're dealing with small things"

"You take that back" said Draco "My fruit are not small".

"The passages from the testes to the penis are very small" said Harry "Can we get on with this, It's going to take bloody months as it is."

"Months?" asked Draco.

"Months of having to look at your fruit's internal workings, yes" said Harry "This job gets worse by the week."

"You got to treat my wife, and her sister" said Draco.

"Those I could do with my wand on their hair" said Harry "You've got physical damage, or at least I think so. Pull up your shift. It's not like I haven't seen bollocks before."

Draco Malfoy's shaved scrotum gleamed.

"Well you shave, that's exciting" said Harry.

"A hairloss curse you idiot" said Draco.

"OH FOR!" shouted Harry "Don't cast curses on your bollocks. If you do, be very careful they don't have side-effects! The common hairloss curse can cause infertility in females if cast incorrectly."

"What?" asked Draco.

"The egg release parts can be affected" said Harry "a cosmetic grade hairloss curse only. I've treated probably half a dozen witches for that in the last five years."

"Well, get on with it, I'm cold" said Draco.

"I'm going to have to touch your fruit with my wand" said Harry "And sometimes I hate being a healer" he added.

Harry cast the parseltounge medical visualisation spell, tapped Dracos's fruit and eyed the hallucination it produced. A wand-gesture expanded the hallucenation, and Harry looked intently.

"Well?" asked Draco.

"I'm looking. It's complicated." said Harry distractedly.

Ten long minutes of hallucinating the inside of Draco's testicles later, he saw the blockage.

"Right, found it" said Harry, and he blinked, dispelling the hallucination "You need to book treatment appointments, at least ten, a few days apart, see my clerk. You can get dressed."

"you're not going to treat me now?" asked Draco.

"Don't use that spell, try to avoid magic near your testicles, and be patient" said Harry "I've got a four-foot-tall case backlog and the old witches with crumbling bones need to get out of their wheelchairs."

"Just ten treatments?" asked Draco "You said ages."

"One simple blockage per testicle" said Harry "No curses either, you'll be glad to know."

"Don't be silly, I'll have the Malfoy family curse. We only have one child, usually sons." said Draco.

"You don't have a curse. Blocked pipes, no curse." said Harry "A lot like the effects of a sterility curse really."

"Fucking Pansy" exclaimed Draco sourly.

"Mmm can't prove it's not side-effects of priapus maxima" said Harry. "After ten sessions, I'll know if you're making progress or not."

"Please give me some treatment. Just a little. To give me a chance between then and now" asked Draco.

Harry sighed "Your booking is long enough for a consult, not treatment. Come back with a longer appointment."

"Should I get a cursebreaker to look at the Manor?" asked Draco.

"You're not cursed. Has the family had it looked at before?" asked Harry.

"I can't tell you that" said Draco.

"So, as a healer, I'd recommend you get a good cursebreaker to look." said Harry "Try the bed?"

"Can you please try to treat me now?" pleaded Draco.

Harry concentrated, and cast the parseltounge medical visualisation spell again, and poked Dracos bollocks and used a parseltounge medical transfiguration on the blockage. Harry re-cast the parseltounge medical visualisation spell, and eyed the result. It was… fractionally less blocked. And Harry had a headache.

"Look, there's some improvement" said Harry "and I've got a headache that will take a day to go away, so get dressed, and remember to donate to St Mungos."

Draco pulled the curtain shot.

"How did that work?" asked Draco.

"Medical transfiguration, changing the blocked tube into an un-blocked one. Tricky because the tubes are very small." said Harry.

"You transfigured my testicles!" said Draco indignantly.

"Book an appointment for ten treatment sessions, and in the meantime, you may have some fertility. You could attempt regular intercourse, though timed for your wife's ovulation is more reliable, and her orgasms will serve to pump your seed to where it's needed. Stimulation before intercourse should help with that."

"Don't tell me how to shag my wife" said Draco angrily from behind the curtain.

"That's medical advice. I can write out a prescription for regular attempts if she has a sense of humour?" said Harry blandly.

Draco pulled the curtain open, and stared at Harry, his arm still on the curtain "A prescription for… intercourse?"

"Well you two want to conceive, I'm not a specialist in that but the basics are simple. Timed to ovulation, as many repeated attempts as possible for those days, orgasms synchronised where possible for maximum probability. Or her after, makes no difference." said Harry.

Draco Malfoy was staring at Harry "You'd write… a prescription for that?"he asked woodenly.

Harry wrote it out and handed it over to Draco, who was biting his lip.

"Approach the problem with good humour and care" said Harry "Or not. It's your marriage. Technically your seed will stay viable for hours, so if she's happy to hang upside down… it could help"

Draco went red in the face "Hang upside down?"

"If she wants to play along" said Harry "Otherwise that's spousal abuse and I'd need to report that to the Aurors."

"How many times can… before the seed is worthless?" asked Draco.

"If you can make it, it's real" said Harry "Do stop before either of you need dittany. Use lube if that becomes a problem."

Draco left, looking upset but clutching his prescription.

Harry had more appointments, mostly aged witches with frail bones.

Days passed, and then one morning, Harry's booking sheet showed a D Malfoy for a treatment-length appointment.

Harry had four relatively interesting cases before that, and then Draco came in, and closed the curtain.

Spending an hour trying to transfigure Draco's damaged tubes into undamaged ones gave Harry a headache and the urge to sterilise his wand repeatedly.

Harry spent the rest of the day treating cataracts and crumbly bones.

Four days later, like a bad quidditch draw, Draco Malfoy again.

After a month, Harry was absolutely sick of Malfoy's testicular plumbing, but it was markedly less blocked.

After two months, Harry had started taking dreamless sleep potions. Having nightmares about Malfoy's bits was too much.

Someone came into emergency with a nasty case of purple tentacles, and Harry was overjoyed to remove them.

There were a number of people coming in with cursed scars, mostly from the war, and Harry really enjoyed helping people with those.

Then Draco Malfoy and his blocked testicles would come in for treatment again.

Harry was washing that night and the thought occurred to him that it was like Draco's magic was actively resisting the trasnfiguration. Which was crazy. But… maybe.

The next time Draco came in for treament Harry said "Please Mr Malfoy sit down. We need to discuss this treatment."

"It's not working is it?" asked Draco.

"It's very slow" said Harry "Are you mentally prepared to have children, Mr Malfoy?"

"Of course I am" said Draco.

"No lingering doubts about being a parent?" asked Harry "Your magic may be resisting the trasnsfigurations."

"I'm not worried I'll be like my father, if that's what you mean" said Draco.

"How is the old monster?" asked Harry.

"A complete fossil" said Draco. "Refuses to move with the times."

"Do you trust him, your mother with children?" asked Harry.

"Of course not" said Draco "They're still… you know."

"So make them take magical oaths" said Harry "Or move out. The Black family have affordably priced rentals."

"You money-grubbing swine" said Draco neutrally.

The treatment session went a bit better, Harry felt. Draco asked for a discount on rental, as a relative.

"You were expelled from the family" said Harry.

"So were you" retorted Draco. "And reinstated."

"That was just to get Daphne Greengrass off" said Harry.

"Did you ever?" asked Draco.

"A gentleman doesn't ask" said Harry.

"And you burnt her father's office down." said Draco. "You absolute git."

Harry got an owl from Sirius the next day, telling him that Draco Malfoy & Astoria Malfoy were taking up a rental on one of the old family places, by a lake in the peak district. And that Sirius had found Draco's almost joking request for a reduced price merely slightly cheeky.

A week later, a distinctly more relaxed Draco Malfoy responded well to treatment.

"Mr Malfoy" said Harry with surprise "You're probably a few treatments off a full cure. Do try it out before your next appointment next week."

Draco Malofy looked quite… pleased and left politely.

Harry was looking forward to not looking at Draco's bits ever again.

The next week, after a series of Auror consults for particularly nasty cursed wounds, Harry had another Draco treatment session.

Harry went throughthte routine of visualisation, transfiguration, visualisation again, and the damage was quite difficult to determine where it had been.

"Mister Malfoy, go get a fertility check with a specialist. I don't think I need do any more, and we could both do with never doing this again." said Harry.

"Am I cured?" asked Draco, flicking his smock down.

"Go check with a fertility specialist." said Harry "You seem to have no derangement now."

Harry had no more appointments with Malfoy, and a few months later, got a letter in handwriting he did not recognise.

'Healer Potter-Black,

Thank you for curing my husband,

we are now expecting a child.

Your hard work and intuition have saved us.

Gratefully,

Astoria May Malfoy nee Greegrass.'

Harry smiled wryly. He didn't necessarily think more Malfoys was a good thing but Astoria was a nice enough witch and even Draco had decided his parents were fossils. And had probably subconsciously been resisting being cured.

Harry was going home at the end of a long day of cataracts when he was confronted in the foyer of St Mungos, by a sadly familiar blonde witch.

"You set my father's office on fire" said Daphne Greengrass.

"I did get the howler, yes" said Harry.

"And ignored me therafter" said Daphne.

"Yes" said Harry "Our uneasy truce was broken, and you've been sulking"

"I was not sulking." said Daphne firmly "I have been busy. I had to help father re-create all our ownership and rental records, after the study burnt down."

"Sorry" said Harry mildly.

"You've made me an aunt" said Daphne "Well, in another eight months."

"Well, that was one of the second awfullest things I ever treated." said Harry.

"Second awfullest?" asked Daphne.

"Anal fissures" said Harry.

Daphne went greenish.

"So, I cured your sister, and your brother in law. Oh, and you and your father. Does your mother need something done?"

"No" said Daphne "I was thinking about forgiving you for setting our house on fire."

"Really, that's hugely kind of you" said Harry sarcastically "Releasing you from a ghastly marriage contract that would have you betrothed to the next Black born."

"Next born?" asked Daphne, her hand going to her mouth.

"Sirius is nearly married, my cousin Tonks apparently is seeing some mysterious fellow, two chances of a male Black being born. Which would bind to you, as the age difference doesn't matter in that contract." said Harry "I'd read it t check but it caught fire when I broke the curse on you."

"And you?" asked Daphne.

"Am an overworked healer" said Harry "I spent an hour every four days for months staring at Draco Malfoy's scrotum."

Daphne shuddered.

"Oh, and safety tip, only use medical grade hair-loss curses on your abdomen. Risks damaging your fertility otherwise." said Harry "Your sister likes them bare apparently."

Daphne closed her eyes "That is a truly grotesque image" she said.

"Apart from a sterilisation curse from someone, he was physiologically normal" said Harry "Like I said, not as bad as… the worst stuff, but, gave me nightmares."

"You deserve a treat" said Daphne "Take me to dinner."

"And that's a treat?" asked Harry.

"I did actually enjoy our last date, five months ago" said Daphne. "And you're a Black again."

"And not in a magical contract" said Harry.

"Do you want dinner or not?" asked Daphne.

"Obviously I'm hungry" said Harry "Lunch was so many cataracts ago. It's nice to look into some nice healthy eyes. And you're not wearing glasses any more."

"I finished growing and went to a specialist." said Daphne "Costly and painful and… worth it."

"Where would we go for dinner?" asked Harry.

"Giancarlos" said Daphne, pointing to the fireplace.

Harry ate a nice dinner talking about the quidditch league to Daphne.

"I am coaching the Sirens this year" said Daphne.

"Are they any good?" asked Harry.

"I'm not full of quidditch tactics and drills" said Daphne "You're too busy."

"I don't know" said Harry "I could fill you in"

"You probably could" said Daphne "I'm not busy tomorrow morning" she said and winked.

Harry thought about that wink for a bit, mentally backtracked through the conversastion, and blushed.

Harry left Giancarolos with Daphne, and he tried kissing her in Diagon Alley. She was, as he rememberd a little short for that, but she leaned up into the kiss anyway. Her lips felt warm and she pressed agianst him in a very friendly way. Side-along disapparation left a crack.

Harry's house was mostly tidy as they came in the front door.

Harry shut it behind Daphne.

"Do you live alone?" asked Daphne.

"Erm yes" said Harry.

"Bar your floo connection?" asked Daphne.

Harry down the hall to kitchen and pulled a lever on the side of the fireplace, that closed it off completely.

"Now, Mister Potter-Black" asked Daphne "Can you still snog?"

"The problem is more that you're a bit short" said Harry.

"We could lie down" said Daphne.

Harry wrapped his arms around Daphne's waist and gave her a kiss instead "Not sure about that" he said "What I got handsy?"

"So what?" asked Daphne and Harry's hands moved straight down to her bottom and lifted her up into a snog.

"You beast" murmured Daphne.

"That's you not me" said Harry.

"Why didn't you bother learning?" asked Daphne.

"I had a rubbish animal" said Harry "So just you."

"Mmmph" said Daphne into Harry's kiss.

Harry woke up in bed, feeling warm, and with a sore tongue.

There was someone in bed with him, vague recollections stirred.

Then Harry felt something odd, as if he was… encircled by a large snake. Harry looked felt the thing around his legs and it was definitely a gigantic snake. He did the obvious, perhaps, trifle rckless thing at that point and had a panic attack, as it was far too much like the time a Basilisk tried to kill him.

Harry screamed, and someone grabbed his head, swore in a female but very-un-ladylike manner, and Harry felt the crushing pressure of apparation, and landed, naked on a cold floor, with a something on top of him and a giant snake wrapped aorudn his legs. Harry screamed some more, and tried to get free. Whoever was on top of him, and the snake all let go and Harry looked around pointlessly, unable to see more than coloured blurs. The room smelt improbably of antiseptic.

Harry finally remembered what to do and squinted, his heart beating nearly out of his chest.

A green blob that might be a medi-witch bent down and tried to feed Harry something, saying loudly and clearly "Healer Potter, this is a calming draught, yo're having a panic attack"

"NO SHIT!" yelled Harry, trying to squint and find the giant snake, which necessitated a bit of naked rolling around on the floor, and suddenly. Harry's arms and legs snapped to his sides, leaving Harry only his eyes to move. He squinted, wondering what Death-Eater plot this was, and someone forced a potion into his mouth. Seconds later, Harry's heart slowed to a fast but… not life-threatening levem and he stopped shivering, and realised he was thinking again, like hed had a calming daught. His bottom , his whole bosy was on a cold floor, and by the draught on his bits, he was naked.

"Where Am I?" asked Harry.

"St Mungos, Healer Potter" said someone calmly. Harry sqinted harder and made out a slightly ruffled medi-witch leaning over him.

"There's giant snake" said Harry.

"There's a naked Naga, Healer Potter" said the medi-witch. Who sounded vaguely familiar. "A friend of yours from India?" they asked.

Harry felt a bit… well naked, panicky and cold. And was pretty sure he'd been in bed last night with a very friendly blonde, not a Naga. Not that he had anything against Naga, he'd met some in India, after all, and they'd been amused with his parseltounge having a British accent. Not amused enough to pick up, not that Harry felt… attracted to Naga. Apart from staring at their chests.

"Can I have a robe please" asked an English woman, and Harry tried to see the voice, but was still stuck naked to the floor, and couldn't see that far over.

The Medi-witch conjured up a hospital gown for Harry, and he felt instantly warmer, and that his tackle wasn't in the breeze for everyone to see.

"Healer Potter?" asked the Medi-witch "Are you calm enough that I can unbind you? The Naga isn't attacking anyone."

Harry sighed "fine… you can unbind me and I can put this hospital gown on."

Harry managed to wriggle the gown under him, and did up the long ties to hold it mostly shut. He tried to stand and discovered someone must have jelly-leg and jell-arm hexed him.

"I can help you up, sir" said the Medi-witch hand Harry was helped to his shaky legs, where he stood, knobbly knees wobbling, still shivering a bit. He was helped down a fairly blurry corridor to a room that Harry was fairly sure was an exam room, and onto a warm bed.

Someone came in wearing green, and said "Healer Potter, we're going to keep you here for a few hours, just observation. You had a panic attack, apparently."

"I was nearly killed by giant snake" explained Harry.

The green-robed person cheared their throat, and Harry squinted; they looked like a vaguely familiar staff member.

"The ah, Naga was naked, and entangled with you when you arrived" said the healer, with an undertone of slight disgust.

"Where'd they go?" asked Harry.

"They have disappeared" said .., Harry thought it was Weems. "Parselmouth and fond of a bit of nonhuman action eh?"

Harry sighed "Its not like that at all" he protested, and Weems said "Quite" rahter sarcastically and left.

Quite a bit later, Harry rested his eyes, someone came in very quietly and poked him.

"Wake up Potter" whispered Daphne Greengrass. Harry squiented and looked over at the blonde, and her hair was a little out of arrangement, and she ws wearinga healers robe.

"Why are you weraing a healers robe?" asked Harry.

"Becasue I had to apparate you here naked" said Daphne quietly "You had apanic attack."

"What the hell happened?" asked Harry.

"Well, that might be my fault" admitted Daphne, looking thoughtful.

"Your fault?"

"I was too warm in bad last night, so I changed my legs into tail. I don't feel the heat as much, and I'm longer. Well, then you were nice and warm and I snuggled up. You woke me us sceaming, and All I could think of was St Mugnos." said Daphne.

"That was you wrapped around me?" asked Harry.

"I had to quickly change my face and scalp, or someone at St Mungos migh thave recognsied me. Of course, when I got off you I was topless, fortuantly I ould use my hands, you and were attracting more attention than me, so I bolted for a hallway, nicked into a room and change into my snake from. It took ages to find a robe, and the slippers I found don't fit well." Daphne explained, hten leaned down and kissed Harry on the lips "Sorry" she whispered, inches from his face.

"Why haven't you gone home?" asked Harry.

"Becuase I can't apparate into your house, and you locked the front door and floo" said Daphne.

"Oh" said Harry, and he thought for abit.

"Kreahcer!" he called, and a few moments later, the elderly house elf appeared with a pop.

"Filthy half-blood master" grumbled Kreacher.

"Go to my house, to my bedroom and recover Miss Greengrasses clothes and wand" said Harry "And your clothes and wand" said Daphne.

"What she said" said Harry "Quickly."

"Sickly half-blood" grumbeld Kreacher and vanished with a pop.

"And why didn't you call Dobby?" asked Daphne curiously.

"Well, he's got a job at Hogwarts, and the Black , or ex-Black houses have anti-house-elf barriers. I asked Dobby one time and… he says it's like a prison."

"Your château wouldn't be like that, though?" asked Daphne.

"Oh no, we bought it on the muggle market. It had a few basic runestones, of course, my friend Bill said old pre-statute stuff. Wouldn't stop a qualified wizard these days. Keep out pookas and boggarts and stuff like that" said Harry.

There was a silence, broken only by Daphne sitting down on the side of Harry's bed, and placing a surprisingly warm hand on Harry's head, and … straightening his hair a bit.

"Wouldn't you like to give your friend a job?" asked Daphne "A house elf would love a whole château to clean. Be good for him, lots of old stones that haven't moved in ages."

"I dunno" said Harry "I mean, last I heard from Hermione, he had a thing going on with Winky."

"Winky's a female house elf?" asked Daphne. "A Hogwarts elf?"

"Not exactly" said Harry "She was homeless, and Professor Dumbledore took her in, have her somewhere to be. She's never really been happy, misses her old family, but the first years really cheer the elves up every September."

"Lots of mess" said Daphne "And plenty of stray magic."

"Well, yeah" said Harry "Are you suggesting I offer Winky the job instead?"

"I suggest you offer to adopt her" said Daphne "Dobby's a rare elf. Ours like the certainty of old stones, and a family of magicals."

"Hermione wouldn't like it" said Harry quietly. "Surely everyone in england knows about spew by now?"

"And I personally think you need a house elf or two, and a breeding pair at a chateua, well they'd be happy if there were people doing magic around."

"I live at the house, not there" said Harry.

"Give someone with a family the caretakers house" suggested Daphne "There is a caretakers house?"

"Yeah" said Harry "You been to see it?"

"Of course not" said Daphne "But my cousins on mother's side live in one, well for summers, they spend winter in Paris."

"Well, I'm too busy for the palce anyway" admitted Harry "Someone with a family? Did you have someone in mind?"

"No" said Daphne "Can't you just find someone who… had a bad time inm the war?"

"Hmm" said Harry squinting "Kreahcer's taking his bloody time" he observed.

Daphne leaned down and kissed Harry gently on the lips "Sorry for this morning" she said again.

"Um, about last night" said Harry, feeling awkwardly horny, and aware hew was only in a hospital gown.

"Mmm?" asked Daphne, tilting her head.

"Are you busy today?" asked Harry impulsively.

"Very" said Daphne "I'm visiting my boyfriend in hospital, then hopefully going home to reassure my parents that I'm not dead, and then… lunch."

"Doing anything this afternoon?" asked Harry, feeling an urge to spend more time with Daphne.

"I was thinking of going to my boyfriends' house and shagging" said Daphne "Can you fit me in?"

Harry felt quite optimistic ath that point, and Daphne patted his hopsital gown in a fairly intimate way "Oh ,you're all recovered" she said cheerfully. "What's you floo address?"

"Doctor Fosters in Gloucester" said Harry "Sirius thought it was funny."

"Well I hope it's not raining" said Daphne lightly. "I plan to go there often."

Wiuth a pop, Kreahcer arrived, carrying neatly folded clothes, and Daphne snatched her wand up, and with a flick, the door to the room was closed and locked.

"Took you awhile" said Harry, and Daphne put Harry's glasses in his hand.

"Kreacher had to launder all the underwear" grumbled Kreahcer, putting the things on the end of the bed and vanishing with a pop.

Harry looked up in time to see Daphne blushing, then much more interestingly, stripping off a healers robe, and putting on underwear. Harry sat up, feeling a bit naff still, and wathced Daphne gretting dressed, then tidying her hair in a hand-mirror.

Harry made it to his wand, and felt it's warmth up his arm, and quickly cast a few parselmouth healing spells on himself, and felt soothing magical warmth in his arms and legs, and rolled his shoudlers.

"Mmm limber up" said Daphne "I'm a bit stiff and I could do with a massage this afternoon."

"I'm in hospital, and you want another full body massage?" asked Harry indignatly.

"A hot bath, a full body massage and a long, comfortable screw" said Daphne "No bikini this time."

"Oh" said Harry, and Daphne laughed musically "You can get more errect." she said, smiling somewhat lasciviously.

"Are we a thing now?" asked Harry.

"If you turn up at lunch with an engagement ring I will quite cross" said Daphne. "However, three 'dates' and you'd better find one."

"Mmm" said Harry "The old set, well, Sirius' has used it for Annalisa."

"Good "said Daphne "I've got nothing but bad memories of that whole set."

"Old school, whole set?" asked Harry "Or just a ring."

"I'm an heiress of the Sacred Twenty eight" said Daphne "What do you think. And use the big head not the small one." she said, then confusingly and distractingly patted Harry's erection.

Harry summoned his clothes over his lap. "Oy, you're making it hard to concentrate" complained Harry.

"As you're a Black again, I expect a Black family set, in a romantic order, not just dumped in my lap" said Daphne.

"I'll have to go see Sirius, get him to get some from the vaults" said Harry "Though… he did just get Kreahcer to go get the box."

"Was it still warpped up?" asked Daphne curiously.

"Same brown paper."

"Wow, that conjuring lasted well" said Daphne proudly.

"Years. Are you a Sorceress?" asked Harry.

"I got an O plus in transfiguration and charms" said Daphne smugly.

"Remind me not to piss you off" said Harry, and Daphne smiled indulgently at Harry.

"You did get yourself disinherited and suffer just to make me happy" said Daphne.

"You were crying" said Harry. "I could stop that."

"Did you really get over me?" asked Daphne.

"Seven other witches" said Harry "And before you go on, Healer candidates don't have the time or energy to keep relationships going, on the whole. Afterwards, everyone I was in with stayed in Asia and I came home."

"Yet you came to dinner and fell in love again?" asked Daphne.

"I hadn't seen you in years" said Harry defensively "And you're still… you. I know you quite well, and well… you're a fantastic shag."

"It's been mentioned" said Daphne smugly, stretching and wiggling.

"I've got to get out of here" muttered Harry "Obs will be in half an hour, and I'm going to be humiliated for my erection."

"Which will be gone by then" said Daphne.

"I'm already getting stick for apparting in with a naked Naga on my lap." said Harry.

"Oh, and before you ask, no I don't" said Daphne.

Harry sat up and dressed, and stood with a little help from Daphne.

"Well we need to get out of St Mungos" said Daphne, and Harry waved his wand, tidying the room ,and with a jab, unlocked the door.

Daphne pulled up her blue cloaks' hood, and Harry left for the designated apparation area.

She elbowed him, and Harry loped his arm through hers. It was … a lot like old times thought Harry.

"Healer Potter" said the Welcome withc "Are you all right?"

"I'll be fine" said Harry, and pulling Daphne tightly, apprated home.

"Potter!" said Daphne "I was going home."

Harry let go her arm and put a hand into her implausibly silky hair, and another on the small of her back and bent down, and kissed her deeply and firmly. Her arms slid up his sides in a tickly way, then knotted into his hair as the snog continued

"Stupid boy" she murmured.

"Shortarse" said Harry into her hair.

"I suppose you want me to wear stupidly high heels" said Daphne into Harry's ear, and he couldn't help inhaling sharply.

"I'll take that as a yes" said Daphne, nuzzling the base of Harry's neck.

-==0==-

"What, you mean you get off on my massages?" asked Harry, as Daphne stretched nakedly on his bed, covered in massage oil.

"I swear you're blind. I wet my knickers every time" said Daphne. "If you'd got handsy in the prefects bathroom, I would have doubtless lost my virginity on the massage bench."

"Fuck" said Harry.

"Well soon" said Daphne huskily "One more glute massage… and you're allowed to do all sorts of things."

"Would you have married me then?" asked Harry, concentrating on Daphne's back muscles.

"I'd have still resented you, and probably ended up a bitter pure-blood wife. Sarcastic, cruel, and only connecting with you sexually."

Harry slid his hands down her back and explored with his hands and Daphne squealed "Is that really… eeek"

"Well, I find it's a well tolerated form of foreplay" said Harry, bent over Daphne.

"You're stupidly noble, handsome, clever , good in bed. And quite funneeeeee" said Daphne "Hey, get your finger out of there!"

"Not your thing ?" asked Harry.

"No" said Daphne firmly, and Harry massaged her glutes, which had Daphne moan "That's nice…." she said.

"I've got a bad temper" said Harry "And I'm really bad at just ignoring things I don't want to deal with."

"I've known you for years" said Daphne "Not a surprise. You're quite mellow these days."

"I'm not an angst-filled teenager any more" admitted Harry.

"Well," said Daphne, sitting up "Get on the bed Harry, I'll give you a full-body shagging. Best thing about being covered in oil."

"No you're too slippery" said Harry "You could slip. Household falls are a major cause of injury." and with that, he picked up his wand, hissed out a charm, cleaning his left hand, then his right hand, hten Daphne, who giggled "That tickles. What is that?"

"Medical grade cleaning spell" said Harry "Now, I believe you wanted witch on top?" he added, pulling off his shirt.

"Yesss" said Daphne.

-==0==-

Harry woke up in bed with Daphne Greengrass again.

Harry tried to get out of bed, and managed to roll on her hair by mistake.

"Ow" said Daphne softly "Get off my hair."

Harry got out of bed, found his dressing gown …

"Where are you going?" asked Daphne.

"To make breakfast" said Harry "A full English."

"The bed's getting cold" complained Daphne.

Harry went to make some breakfast.

The problem, Harry mused over his paperwork the next day, was having Draco as a brother-in-law, and having seen his bollocks… often.

Still…. Daphne had been very friendly on his day off. Multiple times. And hadn't needed hours.

"You um.. used to take ages?" asked Harry.

"I've got faster as I get older" said Daphne "and you're nicer."

He'd just have to put up with the Malfoys, he supposed.

Daphne was wearing a bright green nightgown when he returned to his bed with a tray.

"Bright Green?" asked Harry, and Daphne nodded, and got out of bed, and turned , showing off the back, where it was embroidered 'Slytherins are Better.'

Harry snorted "House pride huh?" he asked.

Daphne sat back in bed, and pulled up the covers. "Of course." she said. "I'm surprised everything in your house isn't red and gold."

Harry put the tray over her knees, and got into bed "Funny story, used to be. Sita, a healer I knew got me to use other colours. Colour charmed my whole apartment to prove her point."

"Sita?" asked Daphne.

"Haven't seen her in five years" said Harry. "But her lesson about colours stuck."

"Well, expect some things to be green and silver now" said Daphne.

"Your underwear's not" said Harry casually.

"Isn't it all going to be red and gold?" asked Daphne.

"Whatever suits your skintone" said Harry "And whatever you feel like."

"You'd have been a horrible husband at seventeen" said Daphne. "I'm glad you went off and learnt to be a healer."

"I wonder" said Harry, taking a plate from the tray "What it would be like if I'd been an Auror instead?"

"Oh good greif. You'd be insufferable. Going on about a lifetime spent fighting evil." said Daphne.

"Well, about that" said Harry.

"What?"

"Well, most of the work happened becuase of your mum. She knows." said Harry.

"Knows what?" asked Daphne casually, and Harry wrapped an arm over her shoulders and kissed her cheek.

"To purify me, for you, um… well, Aunt Andromeda and Tonks got a… partial possession out of my scar, then um… well what was left of Voldemort was destroyed."

"Left of Voldemort?" asked Daphne.

"He did Dark magic to protect himself," said Harry "Like the whassisname… Hairy Hearted warlock. Only his soul, not his heart. Cut into bits, but kind-of like Koichi the Deathless. Aunt Andromeda got quite exercised…. And well, it was messy and I got a bit hurt… but Tonks scared me off the Aurors that afternoon."

"She's an Auror, not a dark witch" said Daphne resolutely, having a toast soldier dipped in her fried egg.

"Your mum's surprisingly good at that sort of thing too" observed Harry. "Anyway, they finished off old snake-face, though I'd paralysed him and Cedric transfigured him into a pebble for me."

"Cedric Diggory, the Hufflepuff, turned the dark lord into a pebble?" asked Daphne.

"And cousin Tonks, auror, Hufflepuff… she cast a scary spell that rhymes with abarcadabra on him," said Harry "Hufflepuffs are scarier than they look."

Daphne put her toast solider down half-eaten. "How do you paralyse the dark lord at fourteen?"

"Um, well I shot Wormtail, who was carrying homunculus Voldemort" said Harry "And Wormtail fell on Voldemort, and that held him down, he was only baby-sized, then… well stunners, draught of living death, and a bit of transfiguration." said Harry.

"You defeated a dark lord at fourteen" said Daphne slowly.

"With help from a pretty-boy Hufflepuff" said Harry. "Then your mum, my aunt and my cousin finished him off a year later."

Daphne shook her head "That's a ridiculous story." she said.

"Well, the key thing was that I was fourteen. I hardly knew any spells, and I sent Sirius a letter, asking for help. I kept getting attacked by adult wizards, and I needed an edge. Sirius got me a gun that anti-muggle charms don't stop. Saved my life several times."

"Have you still got it?"

"Nah, Sirius made me hand it in at the end of the school-year." lied Harry.

"That's why Mad-eye Moody loves you, isn't it?" asked Daphne.

"Nah, that's because he really was held prisoner all of our fourth year. His imposter using poly-juice, and nearly got me. Still, my glock saved me again.

"That wasn't a joke in bad taste. He really was held prisoner all year?" asked Daphne, incredulously.

"Yes, but don't worry about it." said Harry "The only death-eaters left are keeping their heads down."

"My father-in-law" said Daphne. "Mister Malfoy"

"Well yes" said Harry "But its not like there's a party all the Death Eaters go to every year. Where someone could say, poison them all or something?"

"Malfoy's yule ball "said Daphne.

"Draco's not very happy with them these days" admitted Harry.

"Why were you not in Slytherin?" asked Daphne.

"Wanted to avoid Draco." said Harry simply "I did tell you, I told the hat, anywhere but Slytherin."

"You actually told the Sorting hat what to do?" asked Daphne. "I thought you were blowing Gryffindor smoke."

"Well it listens to your wishes, right?" said Harry.

"I wanted to be in Ravenclaw like Father" said Daphne. "The hat ignored me. And put Tracey in Slytherin. And poor Sally-Anne. Honorary half-blood, but everyone knew her mum was a muggle. We um... well she did all the chores in the dorm."

"Are they both okay?" asked Harry.

"Sally-Anne went to America. More opportunities there for um… muggleborns." said Daphne.

"Dean was like that" said Harry nostalgically "His dad was a wizard, they'd been dating, went missing during the war. His mum had to bring up Dean."

"Dean?" asked Daphne "The tall, handsome moorish one?"

Harry chuckled "Yeah, that's Dean."

"He could get a job holding up mens underwear," said Daphne, "He's very handsome."

"Well I'll um… be seeing youu then" said Harry despondently.

"Oh I don't fancy him, he's just handsome. You're … exciting." said Daphne.

"Exciting?" asked Harry.

"I like you better, okay. Don't be so insecure." said Daphne. "Tracey, on the other hand, would like a handful of various tall Gryffindors.

Harry blinked and stared Daphne in the eyes "Really?"

"Likes quidditch a lot" said Daphne.

"He likes curly brown hair" said Harry mildly. "And Hermione just wouldn't."

"He really, with… well not with... but" said Daphne. "Oh."

"He um, works at his brothers shop in Diagon Alley" said Harry "Just if… say… Tracey wanted to meet him."

Daphne drank some tea. "I'll tell her." she said.

-==0==-