Chapter 19
Bella leaned against the rough bark of the pine tree she had climbed up during her 3am morning run, breathing in the familiar scent of dew and vegetation, now all mixed with the salt from the ocean nearby. Bella had discovered after copious hours of rather intense love making for the past two weeks, that she could indeed sleep but the thoughts of Jake's text message had always disturbed her sleep. Somehow, on the eve of their family trip to the Denali Coven while Alice was busy downstairs with the family discussing wedding invites with the family, Bella had managed to seemingly escape unnoticed and had ran a long way from home. Bella knew in her mind at least that it was very plausible that Alice had allowed her to leave, giving her some time and space but Bella knew Alice was jumping to the wrong conclusions about her feelings. They had not had a chance to really talk anything through as they had been too busy reestablishing themselves as mates and taking care of their rather primal needs and there still remained a large amount of uncertainty if Alice understood that Bella was not upset with being changed and vice versa.
Everything else had fallen by the wayside. When they weren't in the bedroom, the family was working with Bella with her bloodlust and other control components of being a newborn. Carlisle was most infatuated with her and the family as a whole could not believe how well she was able to control her bloodlust. It was truly remarkable the amount of self-control she was able to show, but it was chalked up that it was likely due to her only partial vampire nature. Carlisle's initial assumption was correct and they found she was able to restrain herself from bloodlust so long as she balanced her diet out between animal blood and human food. However, the one thing that she was having a great deal of issue with was in controlling her emotions, which was the exact reason why Bella found herself along the coastline at the most northwestern part of the state, the furthest she could be from her home without leaving the state itself.
Bella loudly sighed as she knew the assumptions as to why she was out here would be incredibly wrong. Everyone, especially Alice would think that Bella's mood swings were due to her issues that came with the recent change to being a hybrid, but she could not have been more wrong. This is what Bella had wanted for years now. She was born to be this; Aurelius have even said so himself. Everyone kept saying how remarkable it was but Bella knew it was easy and she was in control because this had been her destiny. Bella sighed as she continued to reflect on her emotions in silence. She knew that her feelings had nothing to do her being changed but rather from the aftermath that had followed.
She sighed once more as she closed her eyes trying to reel in her emotions, something she had been practicing religiously to prevent herself from hurting Jasper. She had woken up this morning just after a couple of hours, tired of sleeping. After being changed, she no longer had dreams, which meant her mind was at ease at least while she had slept. Even without dreams though, Bella found that she was not able to get Jake's text out of the front of her mind. Unable to control her emotions anymore, she had opted to leave for a bit, hoping that some distance would help her to see it all differently and offer a new perspective.
She lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. She rarely smoked, but did this out of a need for stress relief as she did not feel comfortable with drinking with her heightened emotions. She didn't want to create any more issues for anyone, especially herself. Absentmindedly, she pulled out the dreamcatcher from her sweatshirt pocket that she had grabbed on her way out. Her eyes locked onto it, remembering the reason why Jake had given it to her shortly after the Cullens had left.
Memories of Jake and their friendship swirled around inside Bella's mind like a hurricane and Bella could not help but to allow tears to fall. Bella knew that no matter what Jake said or did from this moment, it wouldn't make a difference this time. She could forgive him for her own sake but she could never forget. Their friendship was done. As Bella continued to think everything through, she had moved from the initial sadness and began to feel anger and frustration.
' I am not to blame for what happened to either his Dad or my own. What happened was terrible and I know how Jake must be feeling but that does not give him the right to lash out at me. I know that this has always been a characteristic flaw of his that I've always been able to overlook, but I can't…Not this time' Bella thought to herself as she continued to play with the dreamcatcher. The issue was how Bella would tell the Cullens of this, especially Alice. If Alice knew what had happened, her mate instinct would likely take over and could cause issues with the treaty. Alice had almost lost it at Renee and that was nothing compared to the pain that was coming from losing the person she had thought was her best friend.
Bella took another long drag of her cigarette and flicked the ashes away absentmindedly, her eyes still glued onto the dreamcatcher.
"Goodbye, Jake" Bella whispered as she threw the dreamcatcher into the tide of the ocean below watching it as it floated for a few moments before sinking, right along with Bella's heart. She had gotten so strong, endured so much and had grown emotionally and mentally stronger with every experience and yet, this was proving to be quite the test. In no way shape or form did this compare to the loss of Charlie, but the pain was different. Charlie did not have a choice in what happened. He had not chosen to leave Bella. Jake on the other hand had chosen to cut Bella out of his life, despite everything she had done for him. He had done exactly what he promised that he would never do, and become the person that he swore that he never wanted to be; Edward.
"You know, smoking is a horrible habit" Jasper mused as Bella looked over in surprise. Jasper was sitting saddle style on a branch on a tree right across from her. She looked at his eyes and saw a familiar twinkling in them, and knew that this was his attempt at a joke.
"It's not like it can kill me" Bella chuckled with a raised eyebrow.
"True enough, but Alice isn't a fan of the smell. You're going to hear about it when you get back, mark my words." Jasper replied with a laugh as Bella rolled her eyes.
"I just needed some form of stress relief and I didn't think that drinking would be a good idea. My emotions are already out of whack. I don't need anything causing me a slip." Bella sighed as she looked back out at the coast.
"I know, you've been projecting a lot since becoming a hybrid despite your failed attempts not to" Jasper paused as Bella's eyes shot to his with concern, "But it's okay. This may be the only normal part of your being a newborn. Even so, you've still remained very collected, even if you're struggling with how to process it all. I've been working on trying to use my gift to keep you calm but I know you need to face some of this as well, otherwise you'll never overcome it" Jasper finished and Bella nodded in understanding.
"How did you know where I was?" Bella asked after a few moments of silence.
"You weren't hard to track, Bella. You left way too many clues. You basically created a straight path to you. Alice knew you had left and I thought I'd come to talk with you as I have the most experience with newborns. Plus, sometimes it helps to talk to someone besides your mate" Jasper explained.
"Thanks, only my feelings have nothing to do with me changing. I swear. It's other things…" Bella sighed lightly.
"Well, what kind of things?" Jasper pressed, his expression curious.
" I can't really talk about it. It's not important. If I tell you, I know you'll be upset. If I tell Alice, I have a feeling her mate protection will overcome her and she could put the whole family at risk. I will be okay; I just have to get past this" Bella grimaced.
"Bella, while your feelings may not be due to your changing you still shouldn't try to bottle anything up, Darlin. If you do, you'll just be a timebomb waiting to go off. Remember, you're not dealing with emotions only as a newborn vamp, you are a relative new shifter as well. You really should try and talk it out with me, and I promise that whatever we discuss with stay between you and I. You have my word" Jasper said with a soft tone.
Bella took one last drag of the cigarette before putting it out against the tree. Bella exhaled the smoke slowly, seemingly deep in thought. Bella finally looked up to meet Jasper's patient gaze.
"It was to do with Jake" Bella started, easing her way into the conversation. Seeing Jasper's expression remain the same, she continued, " He was the one who was there for me after Edward and all of you left. He was the moon to my night. He promised me that he would never let me go through that type of pain again but…" Bella stopped as she felt a lump build up in her throat.
"Bella?" Jasper asked his concerned gaze locked onto Bella as he felt a strong wave of anger, sadness, guilt and much to his confusion self-loathing.
"But then…. He told me that he wants me out of his life. That he didn't want me. He blames me for his Dad's death and for mine as well. I should be used to this type of behavior. These outburst and verbal assaults happen all the time when he's upset and I've always forgiven him but now, it's different. I can't allow myself to be setup to be hurt again by him, no matter what. I can't keep going through this. He could call me a hundred times with apologies but I swear, he would always get the same answer. Our friendship is over. I refuse to stay in someone's life who doesn't want me. I have to have more respect for myself than that. I can't go through another Edward ordeal. I just can't." Bella finished as tears filled her eyes.
In flash, Jasper moved to the branch Bella was on and wrapped his arms around Bella, sending wave after wave of comfort.
"You're right. If Alice knew, she would kill him. I can feel what this ordeal is making you feel and lord knows that I even want to," Jasper paused to pull back to look into Bella's troubled eyes, " Nothing that he said is true. If anyone is a victim here, it's you. His decision to deviate from the plan almost killed you. And regardless if he wanted you in his life or not, Alice does. The family does. I do. Please never allow his words to make you question that"
" Thank you, Jasper." Bella said as she fell back into Jasper's comforting hold, as she finally allowed her feelings out to run their course.
"I'll cover for you if they ever show up. Don't worry," Jasper soothed as Bella continued to cry against his chest, his non-beating heart shattering with every sob, "At least until you're ready to see him or any of them for that matter"
"Thankfully, we're all leaving for a couple of days. I could use the distraction. It's been hell for me the past two weeks." Bella sighed as she pulled back and wiped her eyes.
"Speaking of, we should really head back. The family will be leaving soon. I'll race you." Jasper playfully smirked as the sun began to rise over the coast, knowing the freedom Bella would feel during the race and would be exactly what she needed to help sort through her emotions. He was determined to help get her through this, no matter the cost.
Bella nodded and jumped down from the tree. They exchanged knowing glances and tore off like a bullet back towards their home.
As they ran, Jasper smiled knowing that Bella's focus was on winning and no longer on her shattered friendship. Jasper watched her with concerned laced eyes, watching every movement like a hawk.
' I can't believe no one noticed what she has been holding back for these past two weeks. She's remarkably strong but perhaps too much so for her own good. I'll be damned if she ever feels the need to shoulder this amount of pain by herself again.'
Alice walked out to the front patio area and gracefully walked down the stairs as she felt Bella and Jasper quickly approaching their home. Alice smiled softly as Bella came into view, her eyes meeting and locking on. It was at this moment that Jasper flew out of the adjacent part of the forest, catching Bella off guard in a tackle. Both Bella and Jasper went tumbling down, rolling against the soft dirt. Alice moved forward in concern, assuming something was wrong until she heard a sound that she had not heard since her and Bella's first date, Bella's laughter.
"No fair! I was going to win!" Bella continued to laugh as she stood up, brushing the dirt off of her clothes.
"All if fair in love and war." Jasper playfully grinned as he reached out and pulled Bella into a tight embrace, resting his chin on the top of Bella's head.
Jasper and Alice's gaze met, exchanging the silent conversation of, is she okay? No, but she will be. Even though they weren't mates, their connection had always been strong and they could always come to an understanding without any words ever needing to be said.
Bella pulled back from Jasper, clearly more at ease and it wasn't just due to his gift.
"Thank you, for everything" Bella smiled awkwardly, shifting her weight between her feet, one of her many human mannerisms that had not disappeared after the change.
"Anytime, baby sis. I love you" Jasper smiled as Bella's eyes began to fill with tears.
Alice's eyes met Bella's as she blinked the tears away quickly. Together Alice and Bella walked up the stairs to their bedroom to grab their bags. Bella pulled out her zippo and pack of cigarettes from her sweatshirt and placed them in the beside table drawer as Alice leaned against the doorframe with crossed arms.
"Since when do you smoke?" Alice chirped as her nose wrinkled in displeasure at the smell.
"I started around the same time I started drinking. I don't smoke often though. I apologize for the smell. I didn't realize you weren't a fan. I can change if you would like." Bella mused as looked down at her clothes.
"No, I mean it's true that I dislike the scent but what makes it worse is it masks your scent to me. I much prefer your natural scent and I can't say that I am very happy that those," Alice paused to motion to the cigarettes, "Are covering up that scent."
"I understand. Don't worry, I can definitely quit if you would like. It's not like it really does the same for me like it used to anyway." Bella sighed as she turned around to face Alice.
Alice was about to respond, but Bella stole a glance at her cellphone as it made a notification sound. She reached down and picked it up. Without even looking at the screen, she turned it off and placed it in the nightstand table drawer, keeping her back to Alice.
"Everyone I need to be in contact with will be with me. I don't want any distractions while meeting the Denali Coven." Bella explained without being asked as Alice walked over and placed a gentle kiss to the back of her neck.
"Alice?" Bella asked after a few moments, turning around.
"Hmm?" Alice asked with a raised eyebrow.
Bella leaned forward and placed a kiss on Alice's lips and pulled back just far enough to that they could make eye contact.
"I know I haven't said this yet but thank you for changing me. These moments between you and I, even though they appear to be small are making this existence so much more meaningful than I could have ever had as a human." Bella breathed against Alice's lips, causing the Alice's eyes to widen in shock.
Bella stepped back from Alice and picked up their bags and left the house, putting them into the back of Alice's Porsche. It was at this moment that they all heard a howl coming from the tribal lands, a howl filled with intense emotion. Bella stopped dead in her tracks and her heart betrayed her attempts to remain a cool composure at it began to thud hard and fast in her chest. She knew that howl anywhere, it belonged to Jake.
She only had time to blink before Jasper was by her side, opening the car door for her and looked in the direction of the howl with a glare. Bella realized then that all the Cullens were all looking at her with confusion as she appeared to be frozen in her spot.
"Bella, go on. It's okay. Ignore it." Jasper urged in a quiet voice, only loud enough for Bella and Alice to hear. Bella nodded after a few moments, and Alice got into the driver's side and started the engine, shooting a worried glance at Bella. Together they drove to Alaska to meet their greatest allies; the Denali's.
Bella watched the snow fall out of the window of Alice's Porsche, all the while her thumb moved against the top of Alice's hand. Her thoughts lingered back in Forks, and the pain she had registered from Jake's howl. She knew that he was in pain, and there was not a thing she could do about it. It was no longer her place. She was nothing to him and he was nothing but a scar on her heart, one that would likely be there for the rest of her existence as no matter what as his blood ran through her veins just as Alice's venom did. Regardless of anything, there would always be that connection and it made Bella regret that moment of weakness when she tried to end her life more than anything else.
"A penny for your thoughts?" Alice asked, her eyes not leaving the road.
"What if they feel threatened by me? Or don't like me? I mean I'm half shifter, half of your supposed natural enemy?" Bella asked, tearing her eyes from the window to look at Alice.
"Bella, they're going to love you, I mean I may be biased as your mate but what is there not to love?' Alice paused as she laughed, " Really, no worries. I've seen it now that my visions are coming back. Everything will be fine." Alice chirped as Bella smiled with an eye roll.
"Mate sounds so primal… I am looking forward to that term being replaced to wife." Bella joked as Alice rolled her eyes.
"As if imprint is any better of a word" Alice mused. Bella but down on her lip, another human mannerism that had not yet been broken by the change.
"Something the matter?" Alice asked as she noted Bella's expression change.
"I just won't feel like discussing anything about the shifter side of me, that's all." Bella grumbled with a slight sigh.
"Why do I get the feeling that there's something you're not saying?" Alice asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Because you're right" Bella paused as Alice quickly looked over. It wasn't like Bella to admit things so quickly, it normally took Alice a great deal of coaching for Bella to admit to something like this " But what I need you to understand is that this is my thing. I am working it out and by not saying what's going on, I'm keeping you and the family safe. No, I'm not in an any danger, I promise. This is just my fight and I need time to work through this. I will tell you in time, just not now and I would appreciate if you accepted my boundaries on this and respected my judgement. I promise you, it's nothing that bad. Just…difficult to adjust to."
"I can live with that. Can you just answer what you mean by keeping us safe then? If don't quite follow. If there is no danger, then why are you concerned about the safety of the family?" Alice inquired.
" Alice, let's just say that if you knew, your mate protection instinct would likely be 100x worse than during the interaction with Renee," Bella said quietly after a few moments of silence in thought.
"But you're not in danger?" Alice asked, still rather confused at Bella's cryptic response. She finally realized how much her family must have hated when she did the same thing after having a vision.
"No and I will be okay in time. I promise," Bella paused only to lift Alice's hand to her lips to place a loving kiss on her skin, " I just didn't want you to think my feelings had anything to do with you or from changing me."
Alice nodded and dropped the subject. She saw no visions of Bella being hurt or her family, so she let it go and turned her attention to the house that came into view. Alice parked the car and got out along with Bella. The rest of the Cullens also parked and joined, walking towards the extravagant house. Bella saw a beautiful woman make her way to meet her, her blonde ringlets bouncing off her shoulders. The walk seemed to be painfully slow and Bella only maintained her speed due to Alice helping guide them, their fingers interlocked. Finally, they stopped standing in knee deep snow.
"You must be Bella, Alice's mate. Welcome!" Tanya smiled and took a couple of steps forward, as she swished her curls over her shoulder before extending her hand. Bella moved forward and smiled as she took her hand in her own, " My name is Tanya and I am the coven leader. Must say that I always knew Alice was a tad unique but to think she would have been mated to a hybrid. Scandalous!" Tanya laughed as Bella's hand dropped back to her side. She felt the uneasiness of the Cullens behind her, not sure how Bella would react to such a bold statement about her imprint.
"Trust me, her weird matches my own. Were a match made in heaven." Bella eventually joked back, causing Tanya to laugh and the rest of the Cullens to all seemingly relax.
"I'm sorry, where are my manners. Let me introduce you to the rest of the family. This is Kate, Irina, Carmen and Eleazar" Tanya indicated to each member, who smiled and waved at Bella.
"Magnífica. It has been a great while since I have met one with your abilities." Eleazar suddenly exclaimed, walking past Tanya, reaching to take Bella's hand in his own. The suddenness of the movement caught Bella off guard who took a defensive step backwards, causing him to stop with an apologetic expression dancing across his eyes.
"She is gifted then?" Alice asked with a large smile as she hugged Bella's arm tightly. She expected nothing else from her mate.
"Yes, but my, I am sorry Bella. I didn't mean to startle you with my response. It has just been a very long time since I have encountered a shield with this much strength. It caught me off guard is all. The last encounter was with a shield that was close to this strength was when I met Renata, Aro's bodyguard who is gifted with a physical shield." Eleazar quickly explained as he locked eyes with Bella.
"Shield?" Bella asked with feigned surprise, knowing all too well that she should not already know about her ability.
"Yes, you are gifted with a mental shield, and perhaps the strongest one I have ever encountered. This shield holds the ability to block out all kinds of physic powers that act on invading your mind" Eleazer explained.
"That must have been why Edward couldn't read her mind. I wonder if she would be affected by Aro, or even Jane." Carlisle murmured; his eyes locked onto Bella with wonder.
"Eleazar, can… Can this power be developed? Could I use it to shield let's say, other people?" Bella asked, causing Rosalie to turn gaze at her quickly with a curious expression.
"Yes, likely with practice. Though I am not sure if your shifter counterpart will influence that or not. There are still a lot of gray areas when it comes to you, my dear." Eleazar replied slowly as he rubbed his chin in thought, " Say, Bella. Why don't we take a quick walk around the property and give the rest of the family some time to catch up?"
Bella looked at Alice who pursed her lips in thought but reluctantly nodded after a few moments. The rest of the family moved into the house while Eleazar and Bella moved away out of hearing range, as Alice stole one last glance at her.
" So, why don't you explain to me the reason why you feel the need to protect your family with the shield?" Eleazar finally asked with a thoughtful tone, causing Bella to stop in her tracks.
"I'm sorry, what?" Bella asked with raised eyebrows.
"Well, it's just that I told you of your ability and your first question was how you could use it to help others. That is not a common first question" Eleazar explained and Bella nodded.
"You spent time with the Volturi, right?" Bella asked causing Eleazar to gulp in surprise, his expression becoming rather serious.
"Perhaps, but my answer is going to depend entirely on your reasoning for asking." Eleazar replied slowly.
"I apologize if this makes you feel uncomfortable. I just can't discuss with Carlisle and I'm not sure who else to turn to. With all due respect to him, I don't want my answers to be sugar coated. I need a more straight shot response, which is why I wanted to bring this up with you" Bella replied, her eyes locking onto Eleazar as she attempted to gauge his responses.
"Very well. Go on" Eleazar finally nodded.
"Tell me, what are the chances that they would be accepting of my existence as a hybrid?" Bella asked as they continued walking as the snow began to fall around them.
"But they know not of your existence, correct?" Eleazar asked quickly, his tone laced with concern.
"Not to my knowledge and I won't do anything to make that happen on my end but if it were to occur, my family, especially Alice would risk it all for me. You know that. If I can do something, anything to protect them, I should." Bella responded as the thoughts of that happening began to make her feel anxious.
"You will have to practice, Bella. I suggest that you do this close to home. Your shield protects you first above anyone else. You will need to feel secure and safe in order to even attempt to develop this gift. The shield is located in your subconscious, and unless you feel secure and safe in the environment to let your mind be vulnerable, nothing good will come from it. Generally speaking, you can extend the shield out to create barriers or even wrap around a person like a blanket. Keep in mind though, if you are attacked, the shield around everyone else will fail. You must not be attacked if you are to keep the shield up." Eleazar explained and he ruffled some of the snow out of his dark hair.
"Thank you, I appreciate the information. Truly" Bella smiled as they began to walk back to the house.
Once the two returned, Alice swiftly came out and embraced Bella, quickly breathing in her scent.
" I know you were only gone for about half an hour or so but my God, it felt like forever." Alice sighed as she continued to hold onto Bella.
" Your mate pull is significantly heightened now that she's one of us, at least partially. It will take a great many of years before you will be able to be apart without feeling this way." Carmen explained as Alice pulled back only to take Bella's hand to walk back inside.
Bella smiled as she glanced at Alice, sitting down on the couch to enjoy a couple of days of getting to know her extended family and for them to be acquainted with their first experience with a hybrid. She let her mind focus on the joys of the present, happy to be surrounded by loving and caring individuals and in doing so, allowed her thoughts to lead away from the problems that were unknowingly awaiting the young hybrid the moment she returned.
