Blaine Anderson

Senior English Journal

5th Period

December 10

Journal prompt: What do you find confusing? OR… What is your deepest fear?

Confusion. I've been confused for months. I thought Kurt and I really had something going on in October. We were singing together, spending time together. He even wore my tie to the Sadie Hawkins dance. But then he got that phone call. I'm still not sure what it was about… All I remember, very vividly, is his side of the conversation. Because after that, his attitude changed that night.

"Excuse me? Why would you think that? What we had was fake. It was a ruse. It can't be! Yes. Put her on, please. What's going on? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What— Wha— Okay. Yeah. I'll do it. Thanks. The two of you, too. Bye."

He didn't want to talk about it that night and hasn't really since then. I've tried to bring it up a few times, but all he says is that it's not important. I think that Britt must have something to do with it. He's been going to doctor's appointments with her every few weeks. I know that he knew her; they both went to McKinley before it shut down and everyone transferred to Dalton or Crawford. Were they together? Are they still? Is Kurt not gay like I thought?

"Hey! What are you doing after school?" Blaine asked, jogging to catch up with Kurt outside the English room on their way to government. "I thought maybe we could go to the mall? Go Christmas shopping?"

"I don't think I can," Kurt said sadly, hanging his head. "I'm going to Warbler practice; I know Wes would kill me if I missed since Sectionals is tomorrow. Then, I've got to go help my dad out at the garage. He's been swamped lately, and I need some extra money."

Blaine's brow furrowed. "Okay. That stinks, but I get it." He slung an arm around Kurt's shoulders. "Could I give you a ride tomorrow? Pick you up and bring you here and then take you home? I feel like I haven't seen you much recently, and I miss my best friend." He flashed Kurt a smile, squeezing his shoulders a bit.

"I know. I've been busy," Kurt admitted. "I'd love to ride with you tomorrow, though. It will give us some time to talk."

"We need to talk?" Fear wound its way around Blaine's heart. Is he gonna tell me he doesn't want to be friends anymore?

"It's nothing bad," Kurt reassured him. "I just want to tell you why your best friend has been so busy lately." He glanced up, a soft smile sliding over his face at Blaine's expression. "I promise we're good. You're my best friend, and you would deserve more than a quick early morning conversation if I was planning to stop hanging out with you."

"Okay," Blaine sighed, feeling himself relax at the reassurance. "Thanks for knowing me."

"What else are friends for?" Kurt asked, walking back to the back of the government classroom and pulling out a notebook for notes.

A moment later, there was a folded piece of paper on his desk, and he smiled at Blaine's excited expression. Opening it, he read, "Do you want to pass notes? We have a sub today, and we're watching a movie. Seb told me."

Kurt grinned, scribbling back. "Let's do it! ?¬タン

The next morning, Blaine showed up at Kurt's house a little after six a.m. The bus was leaving for Sectionals at 7:15, and Blaine wanted to give Kurt plenty of time to talk about whatever it was that was going on with him. Deciding it was better to not risk waking Kurt's dad by knocking on the door. So, he shot off a quick text, expecting Kurt to reply and say he'd be at least a few minutes. Instead, a few minutes later, Kurt came out his front door, locking it behind him.

Blaine stared at Kurt as he made his way to the car, loving how even when he wore a cardigan over his t-shirt and yoga pants, he couldn't hide his thin, sexy frame. He had a garment bag slung over his arm, a pillow clutched against his chest, a small duffle bag hanging off his arm, and a cup of coffee in his other hand. His hair wasn't as perfect as Blaine was used to seeing it, and still, he thought, This man is beautiful.

He smiled as Kurt climbed into the car, turning to deposit his stuff in the back seat of Blaine's Prius. "Good morning," he greeted.

"Good morning," Kurt replied with a yawn.

"You all set? Got everything you need?"

"Yeah. I think so. I set it all out last night after I got home from the garage so I could have seven extra minutes of sleep this morning."

"Seven minutes?" Blaine asked with a smile as he backed out of Kurt's driveway. "That's an awfully specific amount of time."

"A man who loves clothes has that down to a science," Kurt told him with a tired smile and a few sips on his coffee. "So, yes. Seven minutes."

"How late were you working? You seem really tired."

"Ugh… Too late. Dad told me I could go home like two and a half hours before I left. I felt bad about leaving him, though, so I stayed to help him finish a job." He glanced at the car clock. "I got about five and a half hours, I guess? I've operated on less." He shrugged.

"Well, I wish you didn't have to," Blaine said, deciding to drop it there. There was no use arguing about something he couldn't change.

For a little while, there was silence between the two boys. Kurt sipped at his coffee every so often, and Blaine took occasional swigs from his own coffee cup. The silence was comfortable, no one feeling pressured to talk.

Eventually, Kurt sighed. "I guess I should just start if I want to get this all out before we get to Dalton."

"I planned us some pad time in case we needed it."

"Thanks. What would I do without you?" Kurt let the silence go on for a few beats more before he started. "I don't know if you remember because it was so late, but on our way back from the Sadie Hawkins dance in October, I got a call from Britt."

Only every day, Blaine thought. "I do. Kinda," he said instead.

"So, she called to tell me that she's pregnant and that it's mine."

It was then that the silence became heavy and uncomfortable, the seconds seeming to drag on like hours.

"Oh. I didn't know tha—"

"It's not mine," Kurt said quickly, cutting Blaine off. "At McKinley, I couldn't be who I am. There were too many people itching to shove me into a locker or throw a slushie in my face at the first sign that I didn't like beer and back road driving in a jacked up truck. So, as cover for both of us, Britt and I dated each other. She was already with Santana then; I think the two of them have basically been an item all their lives, and they needed someone to cover for them. It was mutually beneficial to both of us."

"Kurt, I'm so sorry that you had such a hard time at McKinley," Blaine said, glancing over at him to give him a half smile. "I can't imagine how horrible it must have been, going to school and not being able to have your personality."

With a shrug, Kurt answered, "It was, but it seems like a distant, weirdly dystopian memory now. Dalton has been great. Anyway… Britt and I fake dated all of our freshman year, through the summer, and into our sophomore year, even with the transfer, because we had to make sure that we could trust the kids at our new school. When we were sure that we were safe, we broke it off, and she happily went back to Santana. We haven't 'dated' in years now."

"So, I'm confused…"

"I was, too, at first. Britt explained that, shortly after we 'broke up,' her mom told her that she wouldn't accept her with anyone but a man. So, to cover for herself and keep her mom off her back, she told her that I was still her boyfriend. Apparently, she has for almost three years now." He paused, sighing and taking a deep breath. "Britt and San have always loved each other. They like to be with boys sometimes, too, though, and I guess they met one at a bar in mid-August, right before school started. They both had fun, and Britt missed her period that month. Her mom thinks I'm the father, and because Britt and San want to raise the baby themselves, I've been going to doctor's appointments with her to cover. The baby is due near the end of May, and by then, the girls will be graduated. There's nothing Britt's mom will be able to do."

"That's really sweet of you." Blaine gulped, unsure of what else to say. There was one question that kept popping up in his mind, though, and he thought that while they were sharing, he had to ask. "Kurt, I know we've been friends for three years. I guess we just never talked about this before. Are you… I mean, why didn't the girls ever… Ever hoo—"

"Blaine, I like boys. I'm gay. Britt was my beard, and I was hers."

"Oh. I-I, um, I'm gay, too…"

Kurt smiled at him. "I know."

Then why don't you want to go out with me? Can't you see that I think you're perfect, that I think I could fall in love with you? Blaine didn't get to ask his questions, however, because they pulled into the Dalton parking lot. It no longer seemed like they were in a safe place to talk openly, even though they were still in the car. Who knew who might surprise them so early in the morning.

"So, once the baby comes, you don't have to do anything else? You're not marrying Britt or anything to help her cover with her mom?"

"That would just be going way too far," Kurt replied, taking a long drink of his coffee this time. "I couldn't do something like that. It would tear Britt and San apart."

"You're a good friend, Kurt. Not just to me. To the girls, too, it sounds like."

"Thanks…"

Neither one was sure what to say next, and they were saved by Wes walking briskly to Blaine's Prius and knocking on the window. "You should get on the bus for the best seats," he informed them. "I'll be starting headcount at 7:00 and calling anyone who's missing."

"I thought the bus wasn't leaving until 7:15," Kurt said, reaching behind him for his stuff.

"It's not. I don't want to be waiting on someone who slept in too late, though. Everyone should care enough about this team to be on time for competition."

"Agreed," Kurt and Blaine replied, scurrying off to find the best seats on the bus.

Sectionals went really well for the Warblers. They placed first, securing their spot at Regionals and earning a place at two Invitational competitions taking place after winter break. Everyone was loud on the bus on the ride home, singing at the top of their lungs, dancing in the aisle, and giving out high fives to anyone who would give them one in return.

When they got back to the school, everyone rushed off the bus to the practice room. Wes wanted to have a quick meeting before they all headed for home.

"Great job today," he said in lieu of a greeting when they were all seated on the couches in the room. "I'm proud of the job we did today, and you should be, too. We sounded amazing. That doesn't mean that we can slack off, though. We have a Winter Showcase to prepare for as well as two Invitationals and… Regionals!" He paused as all the guys cheered again. "So, I want us to focus up in these last few weeks before winter break. Bring your A-game to practice, ready to work hard and wow those people at the showcase so we can get plenty of donations for our trip to Regionals." He looked around the room, taking in the nodding heads and smiles. "Okay. Everybody get up and get your hands in here. Then, you're free to go."

Everyone rose, coming together and sticking their hands into one giant pile.

"Warblers on three. One, two, THREE!"

"Warblers!" everyone shouted, dispersing as quickly as they could. They wanted to get home. There were naps to be taken and a Saturday night to be spent playing video games or hanging out with friends.

When Blaine caught up with Kurt, who had been closer to the door than he was, he grabbed hold of his hand, not even considering what it would look like. They'd never held hands before, but Kurt didn't protest, so he didn't figure it was a big deal. "What are you doing when you get home? Wanna hang out tonight? Pizza and movies?"

Before Kurt could answer, someone whistled at them, and they both glanced up to find Sebastian headed the other way, grinning at them. "Catch you later, boys," he said, wiggling his eyebrows at them as he passed.

Blaine just rolled his eyes, turning to find Kurt smiling shyly, his cheeks blushed. I wonder what that's about. "So, do you want to?"

"I'd love to," Kurt answered. "This is the first free night I've had in a while, and I'd love to just relax and do something fun."

"Great! My house or yours?"

Kurt grimaced, giving Blaine a sideways glance. "Mind if we do it at mine? I'm afraid I'll pass out and wind up sleeping the whole night away. Know if I do that, it's not because you're boring. I'm just exhausted."

"Got it. I'm boring," Blaine teased, giving Kurt's hand a quick squeeze before dropping it as they approached his car. As he slid in behind the wheel, he missed the way that Kurt stopped, his hand finding its way to his chest as he stared after Blaine, a blush creeping further up his cheeks.

He also missed the way Kurt whispered, "I wish you'd hold my hand forever, Blaine."