Kurt Hummel

Senior English Journal

5th Period

May 20

Prompt: What's one thing you wish you could change?

I'm honestly not sure why I'm filling this in. Technically, I don't go to high school anymore. We were given this prompt a few weeks ago, on the day of our senior trip, and I never filled it in. As of tomorrow, I will be a Dalton Academy alumnus. It's a strange feeling. And for some reason, I feel compelled to write about this.

I suppose that doesn't really answer the question, though. Something I wish I could change… The only thing I can think of is really a regret, but I think that counts. I wish that I'd told Blaine how I feel about him. We've danced for months around the way we feel about each other. I don't really understand why neither of us has been able to tell the other that we want to be together.

Maybe what I should do is tell him after graduation. I know he's considering striking out on his own, moving to Chicago and trying his hand at art or music. He's calling it his rest year, which really means that he can't make up his mind about his future. Maybe I should tell him before things change too drastically and our lives look entirely different.

I think I should. I think I'll tell him.

On Friday night, May 20, fairly late in the evening, Kurt got a phone call from Santana. Her voice sounded shrill and panicked when he answered. "Hello?"

"Kurt, where are you? I need you to get down here! Now!"

"San, what are you talking about? Get down where? What's going on?"

"Britt's having the baby! We're at Lima General. We need you."

Kurt's brow furrowed. "What? Why? I thought that once Britt went into labor, you didn't need me anymore."

"I'm not explaining this to you over the phone. Just get here!" Then, she hung up.

With a sigh, Kurt jogged up the stairs, slipping into his shoes by the front door. "Dad?" he called. "Dad? Where are you?"

"In here, kid."

Following his dad's voice to the living room, Kurt peered around the corner. "I've gotta go to the hospital. Britt's in labor."

Burt frowned. "I thought you were just taking her to her appointments to be a good friend. Why do you need to go to the hospital?"

"I'm not sure. San called me, and it sounded like an emergency. So, I'm gonna go."

"Okay… Drive safely," Burt said slowly, watching his son carefully as he stood in the doorway.

"I will. Thanks, Dad. I'll keep you informed."

"Please do."

Kurt was mostly out the door when he heard his dad yell, "Don't do anything stupid!"

Santana was already in the hospital waiting room when Kurt got there, pacing back and forth, her hands wringing in front of her, her eyes wet with tears.

Kurt immediately walked to her, wrapping her in a hug. "Hey. Everything okay?"

"No. No, not really. Shit got kinda fucked up once we got here. I'm so sorry!" Then, she began to cry in earnest, her tears soaking into Kurt's shirt.

"I'm sure it will be fine," Kurt said softly, guiding her over to some of the seats where they both sat. He held her, rubbing her back gently and waiting for the tears to stop.

Finally, she sat up and wiped at her eyes. "Thanks for that," she whispered. "You never saw anything."

"Cross my heart. I have no idea what you could possibly mean. Saw what?" He grinned, then waited for her to tell him what happened.

"Britt's water broke this morning. You know she's not due for another 10 days, and we weren't really expecting it, though we knew it could happen because the OBGYN told us at her last appointment."

Kurt nodded.

"Well, there was something we had been planning to talk with you about tomorrow night, but now that's ruined."

With a gulp, not liking where this was going, Kurt asked, "What is it?"

"Britt and I don't think we can raise a baby. With my cheerleading requirements at California State and Britt's math requirements at Stanford, we just don't think we can do it. So, we wanted to talk to you about putting the baby up for adoption."

Kurt looked at her, confused. "Me? Why? I'm not involved."

"To Britt's mom you are. Here's where it gets tricky. Originally, when we thought the baby was going to come after graduation, we had planned to tell the nurses that her mom wasn't allowed in the room. But because we aren't yet, Britt was with her mom when she went into labor, so her mom brought her. And when the baby was born, she filled out the paperwork for Britt. You know she and I were going to leave the father info blank. Her mom filled your info in."

"Wait." Kurt blinked at her with wide eyes, trying to understand what he was being told. "Wait. What do you mean? I-I'm listed as the baby's parent? It's here?"

"Mhm. It's a boy. And Britt has told them that we want to put him up for adoption. She's already signed away her rights. That's why I called you. You have to sign in order for him to go into state custody."

"Uh, oh. O-okay…"

"I think if you go to the nurse's station and tell them why you're here, they'll get you where you need to go." Santana looked up from where she'd spent a lot of time studying her hands. "You okay? Britt and I are both so sorry this happened. We didn't know the nurses had given her the paperwork. Britt's been kinda out of it, and I haven't really been allowed in the room for more than just a few minutes at a time anyway. Her stupid mom is keeping me out."

"I-I'm fine," Kurt answered unconvincingly. "And I don't blame you or Britt. You couldn't help what happened." He paused, swallowing. "And you're sure all I have to do is terminate my rights? Sign my name?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

"Okay." On wobbly legs, Kurt stood and made his way over to the nurse's station. "Hi," he greeted, his voice quavering. "M-my girlfriend had a baby, and I'm supposed to be signing away my rights?"

The nurse glanced up. "What's your name, sweetie?"

"Kurt Hummel."

"Oh, yes. There's a social worker waiting for you in room 306."

"Hi. My name's Shelby Corchron. I'm a social worker for the state," a pleasant-looking woman with long dark hair greeted Kurt when he entered. "You must be Kurt, Ms. Pierce's boyfriend."

All Kurt could do was nod, his eyes drawn to a bassinet in the corner of the room. "Is he in there?" he whispered.

Shelby followed his eyes. "Your son? Yes. He is. Ms. Pierce didn't name him, so you're welcome to do so. Would you like to meet him?"

At that, Kurt startled, turning to look at her with a surprised expression. "I can do that?"

"Of course. He's your son. And there is nothing saying you have to give up your rights to him. Ms. Pierce made her choice, but you don't have to do the same."

He's not really mine, Kurt wanted to say. He was just as confused when another little voice said, He could be.

"I'd like to talk to you about your options and what each thing means for you and Baby Hummel," Shelby said. "Please, sit down. We can go over everything as quickly as you'd like. I know it's late."

Silently, Kurt slid into the chair.

"So, here's what you can do." Shelby wasted no time diving in. "You can sign your rights away like Ms. Pierce did. That means that your baby would be free and clear for someone who has thoroughly been vetted by the state to be placed as guardians for your son and to eventually adopt him. Baby Hummel would go to stay with a family, but that family might not be his forever home. It can sometimes take a few tries before he can be adopted. There are a lot of families who want to adopt babies yet can't make it work with certain little ones. If you choose this option, you would have no legal rights or claims to Baby Hummel. No visitations or knowledge of his whereabouts. No claiming him as a dependent, etc.

"You could choose to do an open adoption if we can find a family that's willing to allow you to be a minor part of Baby Hummel's life. You might be allowed to visit once in a while or get pictures of him as he grows. Again, however, you would not be able to claim him as a dependent. Is all of this making sense?"

Kurt nodded. "Yeah. Makes sense."

"Your other option is to keep the baby. He would be your responsibility, and at the time someone you love or marry should come into your life, they could potentially adopt him and legally raise him. Baby Hummel would be able to go home with you in the morning providing that he eats well and his vitals indicate that he seems to be doing fine." She sighed. "I'm sure this is hard for you; you've spent the last nine months thinking you were getting a baby. Would you like to meet him? Hold him once?"

"Uh…"

"It's perfectly alright, no matter what you choose," Shelby reassured him. "You don't have to meet him. It's your choice."

Kurt found himself at war in his head, not sure what to do. There is NO WAY I can bring him home with me. I'm not even biologically related, regardless of what the birth certificate says. There is no reason for me to meet him. That will just make things harder. Tell her no.

I remember what it was like after Mom died, when Dad had to send me to stay with Grandma and Grandpa for a few weeks while he took care of himself. That was the strongest thing he ever did, and yet, at the time, I felt out of place, like I didn't have a home to belong to. What if this baby can't find a forever home right away? What if he grows up feeling like he has no place to call home? How will I feel if I ever find out, knowing I could have given him a home? Dad was a single dad most of my childhood, and he did great! Why can't I do that?

Am I seriously considering taking this baby home with me? That's a horrible idea! Dad will be pissed!

Am I seriously considering letting this baby grow up without love? Maybe this is my opportunity to end the confusion I've had about what I want to do with my life and finally find a purpose. Kids have always been part of the conversation for me, and even though I know it will be hard, with my dad's help—and maybe a new boyfriend on my side—I can do it.

"I'd like to meet him," Kurt said quietly after an extensive silence. "Please."

"Of course. Let me get one of the nurses in here to help. Just a moment." She walked over to the empty hospital bed in the room and pressed the call button.

A short time later, a woman poked her head in the door. "Everything okay?"

"Mr. Hummel would like to meet his son," Shelby informed her.

"Wonderful." The nurse beamed as she walked in. "Dad, why don't you wash your hands in the sink over there and then take a seat over there in the chair? I'll bring him to you, and you can hold him for a little while."

Kurt nodded, doing as he was asked. A few minutes later, his arms were full of a brand new baby in a soft blue blanket, little fists peeking up next to a chubby pink face and eyes that were squeezed shut in sleep. "Oh, my god…" He breathed. "He's so cute…"

"He is very cute," the nurse confirmed. "I'm going to step back out to the nurses' station. If you need anything again, just press the call button. I won't be far away." Then she left, leaving Kurt and Shelby alone again.

His mind racing, Kurt stared down at the little bundle in his arms, the perfect little nose, the tiny fingers, the little ears, the dark lashes pressing against his cheeks. Technically, I know there is nothing wrong with adoption. People are adopted all the time, and they have really good experiences. That's all over the world, though. Remember Noah Puckerman from grade school? He was in foster care in Lima, and he had a really hard time. The families were nice, but he was being shuffled around all the time. When he finally did get adopted by someone he absolutely loved, they were out of state, and he was ripped away from our school, the only consistent family he ever had. What if that happens to this little guy?

Am I technically prepared for this? No. I'm 19, graduating from high school. I do have a job, though. And I was taking a year off, trying to help Dad more at the tire shop so he can retire. So, there would be no disruption of plans… Can I actually do this? Do I actually want to? Do I want to raise someone else's child? How do I decide? How do I know I'm doing the right thing? This is such a big decision, and I don't want to screw it up!

After a while, Shelby busying herself with paperwork in the corner, she looked up and asked, "Do you have any idea what you'd like to do yet?"

Before Kurt could even consider his answer further, it became obvious which side had won the war when he answered, "I think I'd like to raise him."

Kurt came home late the next morning, nearing noon, to find his father waiting for him on the couch. He gently set down the baby carrier and package of diapers Shelby had helped him to acquire and just looked at his dad, taking in his crossed arms, his stern and bordering on a glare gaze, the way his hat was sitting high on his head, exposing most of his bald spot.

Neither of them spoke for several minutes until finally, Burt asked, "He asleep?"

"Yeah."

"Kitchen." The older man rose and strode away, Kurt following behind him. When they were both standing at the kitchen counter, Burt hissed, "What were you thinking, kid? Raising someone else's child? You're 19! You don't have a house or much of a job. Your whole future's ahead of you! Why would you want to do this?"

"Dad, it's hard to explain. I-I just… You know what it's like here in Lima. You've seen the same stories that I have. The legal system is messed up, kid's bad situations are overlooked all the time, and the state of Ohio isn't exactly the friendliest toward anyone who's different. I don't think I could live with myself if I let something happen to this precious baby who didn't ask to come into the world. He was brought here, and he needs someone to rely on. I know it sounds crazy, but I can't think of a more stable environment than here. You were and still are an amazing single dad. When a problem came up for you, you handled it and were transparent with me. I could trust you to tell me straight if you were struggling. You didn't have a lot, but you had enough, and I was happy. What if you'd decided you couldn't raise me when Mom died? Where would I be? What kind of situation could I have been in? There were too many unknowns."

"But this kid isn't yours!"

"He wouldn't be biologically related to the people who adopted him, either. Not by blood. Would that be a problem? My name is on his birth certificate."

"You can get a paternity test."

"I don't want one. I've made up my mind, and I have a plan. I'd already planned to work for you for a year. So, I'll do that. I'll save up as much money as I can, and hopefully between that and what I've already been saving over the past four years, I can get an apartment. I'll get another job then, if you don't want me to work for you anymore, and I'll take evening classes. I can do this, Dad, and I truly believe this will be the best thing for Kingston."

Burt looked at his son, a hand scrubbing over his head, knocking his hat to the floor. "You named him Kingston? Like your grandfather?"

Kurt nodded. "Kingston Burt Hummel."

Speechless, Burt just looked at the floor. "Kid, I… You've always been so passionate about everything, and you have the best heart. I just…"

At that moment, Kingston began to stir, making tiny little fussing sounds as he stretched in his carrier.

"Want to meet him?" Kurt asked, a glimmer of hope in his eye.

"Yeah…"

A few moments later, Burt was cradling tiny Kingston in his arms, making the baby look even more dwarfed than he really was in the man's large hands.

"So, what do you think?" Kurt whispered, watching his father and his son bond for the first time. I have a son!

"I-I can see why you made your choice," Burt offered. "I still don't know if I agree with it, but I can see why."

"Do you love him?"

"I think it would be pretty hard not to love that little face."

A few days later, there was a knock at the Hummel's door. When Kurt opened it, Kingston on his shoulder, he was surprised to see Blaine standing there. "Oh! Blaine!" His heart began to pound nervously in his chest again as he stepped aside to let him in. "Come in."

"Is now a bad time? Are you babysitting? I can come back."

"Um, no. Now's fine. I-I'm… This is my son. Kingston."

Blaine, who was halfway through the door, stopped to stare at him with confusion and concern in his eyes. "Your son?"

Kurt nodded. "Long story that I promise to tell you. Come in, though, so we can talk." He led Blaine into the living room, patting the cushion next to him when he sat down. "Why don't you go first? I think my story will be longer." He grinned, trying to erase some of the awkwardness, but there was really no way to do that.

"Uh, sure. So, I, uh, I basically just came to say goodbye. I think I'm going to head for Chicago in the next week or two, try to find a studio that will take my art or a little theater that I can work for. Not sure yet."

"Oh.. Okay." Kingston turned his head, nuzzling into Kurt's neck a little, and somehow, that tiny action gave Kurt the strength he needed. His mind was screaming at him, begging him to tell Blaine how he felt while he still had a chance, and a knot in his stomach felt like it was weighing him down, preventing him from finding the words to say what he needed to say. With just the gentle touch of his son's skin, Kurt found the strength to speak. "Blaine, can I tell you something? I promise that I'll tell you all about Kingston, too, but I need to get this off my chest. I've been thinking about it for a while now."

"Of course."

Laying Kingston down on the blanket by his feet, Kurt took in a deep breath, clearing his throat before he began. "I… All through high school, I wished that we could be together. I had the biggest crush on you from the moment I laid eyes on you, and when we became best friends, I was thrilled, thinking I'd be able to spend more time and get you to see how much I cared. I was always too afraid of telling you how much I wanted you, though, afraid you wouldn't feel the same. So, I never said anything. Now, though… Now I have to tell you. I've been in love with you, Blaine, for the last three years."

The curly-haired boy sat stock still, staring at Kurt with his mouth hanging open. "You-you what?"

"I'm in love with you, Blaine. And I wish you weren't leaving so we could explore this… That's what I get for confessing too late. I guess I don't even know if-if you feel the same way."

"I do," Blaine breathed. "I have since we met on the stairs. I couldn't get you out of my head, not ever, but I didn't want to lose you by trying to tell you how I felt."

At that, Kurt laughed. "We were so oblivious. Isn't this silly? We spent three years pining for something we thought we couldn't ha—"

"It's not silly." Blaine wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him in for a searing kiss against his lips, the force and the passion behind it knocking the wind out of both of them. It didn't keep them from continuing to move their lips against each other—soft and heat-filled brushes that made their skin crawl and chills race through their bodies.

When they pulled away, Kurt rested his head against Blaine's, letting out a soft breath. "You take my breath away. Not just now; you always have. In class, on stage… You were always amazing, and I was so proud to be your best friend."

"I hope so. I wanted you to be…"

"Um, would you… Would you consider staying around for a few more days? I'd like to spend a little time with you before you leave for Chicago."

Blaine's voice was firm as he said, "No. I want to stay with you. Kurt, I want you to be my boyfriend."

Kurt couldn't hold back the tears any longer, and he and Blaine embraced, holding one another close for a long time as the emotions they'd been feeling for the last three years finally released.

Eventually, Kurt pulled back, sniffling and wiping at his nose. "I'd love to be your boyfriend." Then, he surged up, claiming Blaine's lips in another kiss.

When they finally pulled back, Blaine said, "As much as I'd like to continue kissing you all day, I think I need to know about Kingston."