Blaine Anderson

Daily Journaling

July 8

Journal Prompt - What's something you don't understand?

Something I don't understand… Why I'm not mad I'm not in Chicago. I'm sure the answer is actually fairly obvious. I got what I've always wanted: Kurt. A boyfriend. Kurt is MY boyfriend. I still don't believe the words, and it's been six weeks. All I know is that I love him beyond measure. He's amazing. He's wonderful with Kingston, he works hard, and he spends as much time as he possibly can making me feel like I'm the center of his world.

Something else I don't understand… Why I hate being away from Kingston so much. That answer is fairly obvious, too, I think. He is as big a part of my life as Kurt is. He's adorable. He's snuggly. He is comforted by my presence. He looks for me, likes to play peek-a-boo. Falls asleep in my arms. He's a perfect little baby, and it doesn't matter that he's not mine or he's not Kurt's. He's ours in every sense of the word, and that feeling of wanting him and loving him like a son should scare me, but it doesn't. I'm not sure I'm prepared or ready to become a father, but I want to be his dad so badly, it hurts, going back home at night.

One more thing that I don't understand… Why can't I tell Kurt that I'm not planning to go to Chicago unless he and the baby are coming with me? Every time he asks, I say, 'Not yet,' instead of 'Never.'

Blaine loved his job at the daycare. It had surprised him at first. It wasn't an art studio. It wasn't a recording studio for his latest single. It was childcare. At the same time, though, it was both. He'd been hired to work in the infant room, immediately earning Kingston a spot with 75 percent off tuition, and when he'd mentioned in his interview that he loved art and music, the director had asked if he'd be willing to teach art and music twice a week to the various age groups at the center. Of course, he'd agreed. So, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, he didn't spend much time with the babies. He was out in the main room, teaching toddlers to paint, putting baby handprints on tiny canvases, and singing "Old MacDonald" while making loud animal noises. It wasn't what he'd pictured doing in his off year, but he sorta loved it.

He did, however, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, miss seeing Kingston's face every day. Despite his numerous requests that he be allowed because it was so much easier, Kurt was the one to drop off and pick up Kingston every day. He wanted the daycare center employees to know him by sight, so Blaine only got to see Kingston when he was in the infant room each day.

He loved the way the little boy's eyes would light up when he'd see him, the way he'd reach for him, the way he'd giggle when Blaine would give him a smile, his eyes sparkling with delight. Blaine knew it was impossible, but he swore that some days, Kingston looked just like Kurt. It made his heart sing to think about. Maybe someday, Kurt and I will have more babies just like Kingston.

Blaine made it a habit to stay at work until Kingston had been picked up every day. Kurt usually left Burt's shop around 5:15, and he was generally walking in the doors of the center just after 5:30. Kingston was almost always one of the last little guys left, and Kurt and Blaine would be afforded a few moments to chat before Kurt had to run home with the baby. Most nights, Blaine would join him after dinner, and they'd hang out and put the baby to bed.

One day, it was nearing six o'clock, and there was no Kurt. That was unusual, and Blaine didn't know what to make of it. Should I call him, make sure he's okay? Maybe he is just caught up in a project and lost track of time? He did say they were behind schedule a little…

Waiting until it was six on the nose, Blaine decided to give Kurt a call. Six was technically closing time, and while he should really probably acquire the "late" charges that the center demanded they charge, Blaine figured that, just this one night, he could say he was taking Kingston home and count it as acceptable. Still, he'd give Kurt a call and be sure he wasn't on his way before he loaded Kingston into the spare car seat in his Prius to take him home.

Kurt's phone rang twice before Burt answered. "Blaine?"

"Mr. Hummel?" Blaine could immediately feel his pulse quicken and his stomach begin to churn. Something's wrong. "Where's Kurt? I-is he okay?"

"I want you to stay calm," Burt warned, knowing Blaine was prepared to do anything but that. "We're at the hospital. Kurt had a fall at work today, slipped in an oil spill somebody forgot to clean up, and hit his head. The docs think he has a minor concussion and want to keep him at the hospital overnight. I was just about to call you. I wanted to know exactly what we were dealing with to try to save you some heartache."

"Oh, my god… Is he…?" He couldn't finish his question. I need to get down there. I need to see him.

"He's gonna be fine. They tell me this kind of thing just requires rest and relaxation. He's asleep right now."

"Can I-I come and see him? I was calling because I knew no one had been to pick up Kingston yet."

"Crap!" The swear was loud, surprising Blaine. "Can you bring him down here with you? You still have that spare car seat? I'm sure Kurt would love to see him, if only for a couple of minutes."

"Of course. I've got it. I can bring him. They'll let us in?"

"I sure as hell hope so. I'll be raising some hell if they don't."

"Alright. I'll get him loaded up. We'll be there in 10." Blaine nearly hung up, yet he had the wherewithal to ask, "You're at Lima General, right?"

"Lima General," Burt repeated in confirmation.

When Blaine walked into the hospital with Kingston on his shoulder, he saw Burt standing next to the nurses' station and made a beeline for him. "Where is he?" he asked. "Can I see him?"

"Room 306," Burt said, nodding. "If you don't mind, I'd like to take Kingston here for a little walk around. I need to stretch my legs, and I don't want to be alone." He gave Blaine a halfhearted smile; that was all the reason Blaine needed.

"Here," Blaine agreed, passing him off. "I think he might need a diaper change soon, so I'll leave this with you." He let the small diaper bag slide off his shoulder, which he passed to Burt. "306 you said, right?"

"Yeah. Not too far down the hallway. On your right."

"Got it. Thanks." Blaine wanted nothing more than to sprint down the hallway. He wanted to get to Kurt and hold him and tell him everything he hadn't been brave enough to tell him yet. He wanted to feel his skin beneath his own skin, hear him breathing, and kiss his face, just to make sure he was still real. He didn't allow himself to run, though. He walked as normally as he could, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other until he had reached Kurt's room.

Pushing the door open, Blaine couldn't hold back the small gasp that escaped his throat. His boyfriend lay in the bed on his back, his eyes closed, a small cut on his nose, a bruise under his eye, and a busted lip. He looked so small lying there, so hurt and helpless, and Blaine felt a sudden surge in his chest to protect Kurt.

So, without giving himself time to think, Blaine sat on the edge of the bed and brushed the hair out of Kurt's face. Then, he lay down, resting his forehead right in the crook of Kurt's neck as Kingston was so fond of doing, and breathing deeply, letting Kurt's scent wash over him.

With both of Kurt's hands lying on top of the blanket, Blaine reached for one, holding it in such a way that his fingertips brushed lightly over Kurt's pressure point, letting him feel his heartbeat. He finally relaxed marginally when he had proof in his hands that Kurt was still alive.

As he lay there, a song snuck into his head, and he began to sing softly.

"Nothing's gonna harm you,

Not while I'm around

Nothing's gonna harm you,

No sir, not while I'm around

Demons are prowling everywhere, nowadays

I'll send 'em howling,

I don't care, I got ways

No one's gonna hurt you

No one's gonna dare

Others can desert you

Not to worry, whistle, I'll be there

Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while

But in time

Nothing can harm you

Not while I'm around"

Then, he cuddled impossibly closer to his boyfriend, snuggling his head deeper into his shoulder and closing his eyes, willing the tears not to come.

That's how Burt and Kingston found Blaine when they came back not too long after, curled into Kurt's side, his arms protectively around him.

"Hey. You okay?" Burt asked, taking a seat in the chair on the other side of Kurt's bed.

Blaine opened his eyes. "Yeah… I just… I hate seeing him like this."

"I know. I do, too. But they've sworn to me up and down that he's going to be okay. He just needs some rest, and they've sedated him just a little to help with that. They promise he can come home tomorrow morning, as long as he gets plenty more rest while he's there."

"That might be kinda hard with Kingston around."

Burt nodded. "I know. So, um, that's why I was thinking…"

Instead of answering verbally, Blaine raised an eyebrow, looking at the older man quizzically.

"Uh, the spare bedroom is set up as a guest room. I was wondering if you'd, um, if you'd stay with us for a-a week or so? 'Til Kurt can get back on his feet? I know this little guy…" He paused to give Kingston's toes a gentle rub where they stuck out from the bottom of his little pants. "...needs a lot of care and attention, and I can't do that and go to the shop, too. I know it's a lot to ask of you. Would you be willing, though?"

"Of course, I would. Of course. I will need to go home, get some stuff. But I will. Of course, I will.

There was relief evident in Burt's smile. "Thank you," he said softly. "You're a good kid, good for my son and his son. I'm… Thanks."

Blaine felt his cheeks flush a little, and a surge of pride ran through him at the compliment. Despite wanting to stay as close as he could to Kurt forever, Blaine sat up, and the two of them chatted for a little while.

Kurt eventually woke for a few minutes and was happy to see Blaine and Kingston. They laid the sleeping baby on Kurt's chest for a little while, letting him soak up some snuggles before he fell asleep again.

Burt told Blaine that he was planning to spend the night with Kurt at the hospital and gave Blaine his house key so he could get inside. Then, after a few more kisses to Kingston's face and a quick side-hug for Blaine, the two of them were out the door, headed to Blaine's to pack a bag before going home.

Kingston knew something was off. He was fussy all evening after his nap at the hospital, and he had a very restless night. Blaine was glad he'd decided to wheel his bassinet into the guest room instead of leaving it in Kurt's room. He at least only had to move a few feet to get the fussy baby onto his shoulder instead of shuffling down the hallway in the dark.

Blaine had to admit that it was weird for him, too. He'd spent the night at the Hummel's a few times since he and Kurt had started dating, but he'd always slept in Kurt's bed with him, and it hadn't been so eerily quiet. He understood Kingston's confusion and upset. Everyone wanted Kurt back home safe and sound.

They went round and round for a little while, Blaine trying everything he could think of to help the baby feel better. They went through bottles of formula, rounds of diaper changes and tummy rubs to alleviate any possible gas. Blaine tried burping him a few times, offering him a pacifier, and swaddling him up tightly. Nothing seemed to help, however. Nothing besides singing, rocking, and talking was able to soothe Kingston. I think he must need to feel as though there's someone who loves him here, Blaine mused.

Standing in the moonlight of the barely-parted curtains, Blaine rocked and shushed him, murmuring the song he'd sung to Kurt earlier that day.

"Nothing's gonna harm you,

Not while I'm around

Nothing's gonna harm you,

No sir, not while I'm around"

That quieted him for a little while, and he looked so content and sleepy in Blaine's arms that he began to talk to him.

"Do you know I love you, Mr. Kingston? Do you know that? Just a couple of months ago, I had no idea who you were, and now… I can't imagine my life without you. You're such a sweet little man.

"What would you think about having a second daddy? I'm in love with your daddy. Like, head over heels in love with him, and I have been forever. We've been friends for a long time, and I don't think there was a single second where my heart didn't beat faster when he was around, wasn't a single moment where I didn't wish I could spend the rest of my life with him. I want to ask him to marry me. I was going to wait until our first anniversary, but I don't think I can wait much longer. Life is too precious, Kingston, and in a minute, everything can change without warning. I don't want to be caught off guard by something happening to your daddy ever again. What do you think? Should I ask him to marry me?"