TOPSY TURVY: A Hazbin Hotel fanfiction by shadowgirl999
Takes place sometime after the pilot. Charlie wakes up one day to find everyone acting the opposite of themselves. What in Hell (quite literally) is going on here? Rated M for nudity and sex, adults only.
Charlie's big eyes fluttered open as she yawned, rolling over in her large bed she shared with Vaggie. The princess of Hell was naked and glowing, her adorable red nightgown and panties laying on the bedpost where they had been tossed before the night's activities in the administrative bedroom on the top floor of Hazbin Hotel (the name change wasn't exactly to her liking, but she figured she'd live with it). After such an exciting startup, including Alastor helping them fix up the hotel, Charlie didn't even care about being humiliated on TV anymore. Sure, Katie Killjoy was a real bitch, but then again, having the Radio Demon himself endorse her hotel was a great start. Despite Vaggie's distrust of Alastor, Charlie was positive she would be able to get him to play nice as long as he kept himself entertained. She smiled widely, her fanged teeth baring sexily as she rolled over to hug her one-eyed bedmate as usual.
"Good morning, my cute little moth. Did you sleep w-?" Charlie started to say before she realized her side of the bed was empty. "Vaggie?"
Charlie looked around, not noticing a note or anything Vaggie usually left to let her know she was leaving. Mostly, Vaggie was very polite to her after a long night of sex, usually cuddling with her so that she woke up to her lovely face. Maybe she was still mad at her. After all, Charlie had hired the Radio Demon against Vaggie's concerns after singing on live TV, something Vaggie had explicitly told her not to do, but Charlie was certain that Vaggie seemed reassured enough not to be that mad at her, especially given what Vaggie had done to her last night.
"Satan, what a night…" she sighed to herself as she stretched with a series of cracking noises, her naked pale skin feeling so tender after their night together.
Charlie had went through an incredible triple orgasm from an incredibly-arousing sex position Vaggie said was called the "Venus Butterfly", followed by Charlie letting out a scream so loud that Niffty ran in all worried and Vaggie hit her with a pillow so hard she flew into the hall when she started spraying them both down with cleaning spray. Vaggie had then locked the door and made love to her again, this time with a strap-on that she would normally hate being used on herself due to her utter hatred of men and everything to do with having sex with them, but was willing to use on Charlie whenever she asked (in this case practically begged) despite her worries she would hurt the princess beneath her with the penetration. Charlie loved how sweet she was, and was worried she had hurt Vaggie's feelings by hiring Alastor despite her worries.
"Vaggie?" Charlie called, jumping out of bed as she pulled on her bra and panties, followed by her pants, shirt and red tuxedo. "Vaggie, sweetie? Are you mad at me?"
There was no answer. Charlie stretched and walked out of the bedroom, walking down the hall to look for her. There was a weird sound from Angel Dust's room, but that wasn't that unusual, besides, maybe he had seen her somewhere. Charlie knocked twice but there was no answer.
"Angel?" still no answer, so Charlie pushed the door open, closing her eyes in case he wasn't appropriately dressed. "Angel, have you seen Vag-?"
Charlie gasped when she saw Vaggie and Angel Dust's clothing scattered everywhere, including the big bow Vaggie always wore in her hair. She hesitantly approached the bed, the sheets tangled around the two occupants.
"Um…Angel?" she asked, hesitantly pulling back the covers.
Charlie did a double take as she saw Vaggie and Angel Dust lying in bed, naked and panting, covered in sweat and hickeys, with Angel's chest floof matted down from perspiration. Fat Nuggets sat on his little rounded bed, looking up at Charlie with his big cute eyes.
"Morning, Charlie…!" Vaggie panted, all out of breath as she smiled and winked with her one good eye.
"Vaggie?!" Charlie gasped, in total shock. "Um…what are you two doing?"
"Just reveling in the afterglow, toots." Angel said as he pressed his lips to Vaggie's in a full-on, passionate kiss. "Care to join us?"
Charlie stood there, mouth hanging wide open in shock as Vaggie wrapped her arms around Angel's neck and pulled herself up to kiss him, closing her eyes in apparent bliss.
"Um…no thanks. Vaggie, what's going on?" Charlie asked, nervously wringing her hands.
"I just can't get enough of him…!" Vaggie purred, growling like an animal as she started nibbling Angel's ears. "Come here, my deadly spider…!"
"Hey, hey, save it for later, cyclops." Angel teased as he held Vaggie in all 6 of his arms and kissed her full on the lips, scooping her up bridal style.
Charlie's blood ran cold as she stood in shock, her eyes bugging out so much they took up all the space on her face. Looking around the room, there were no sex toys, no porn videos or magazines, no sign of any drugs or anything Angel would normally keep in here. Instead of posters advertising his own sex shows and films he starred in, a bunch of posters for classic Italian movies and Salvadoran telenovelas (which Angel hated and in fact had insulted Vaggie once by calling them 'cheap daytime-TV shit') covered the walls and books with titles like SUCCESS THROUGH FIDELITY, ANGER MANAGEMENT and A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO SOBRIETY were in his bookshelf where his porn magazines usually were.
"But-but-but…you're gay!" Charlie said, pointing at the two bedmates and nervously clenching her teeth in shock. "Both of you are, in fact! And I'm fairly sure you two don't even like each other!"
"What are you talking about, toots?" Angel said as he cuddled Vaggie in his arms like he was cradling a baby. "Now scram, I'm gonna show Vags here how to cook Andouille."
"Is…is that a euphemism?" Charlie asked nervously as the two naked bedmates stood up.
"Naw, don't be so crude!" Angel said, surprising Charlie as she noticed Vaggie being held in two of his arms like a teddy bear (she was so small compared to him that she looked like one). "My mom used t' make it for breakfast. You ready, mothy?"
"Of course, snuggly legs!" Vaggie said with a giggle as she kissed Angel Dust full on the lips and started peppering him with kisses. "Don't wait up, we'll be a while."
Charlie's blood ran cold as she witnessed the two naked usually-enemies cooking breakfast, then ran out of the room in terror, nervously wringing her hands as she ran down the hall in shock of what she had just witnessed. Were it not for the fact that Vaggie was involved, she would have figured it was some ridiculous prank on Angel's part, and Vaggie usually hated pranks AND Angel. What was happening?
"Oh damn, oh damn, oh damn…!" she mumbled to herself. "What is going on here?!"
Charlie rounded the corner and then slipped on something slick coating the ground of the hallway, skidding to a stop as she grabbed a banister to stop herself from sliding any further. She looked down and jumped in shock. The ground was covered in greasy black grime, and a huge bucket of the stuff was lying off the one corner, an equally-greasy mop stuck in it. Was this some kind of a joke?
"Um…Niffty?" Charlie called, looking around the hall for the tiny cyclopean maid. "Niffty, your cleaning bucket is full of grease! What's going on he-AUGH!"
She nearly jumped to the ceiling in shock as Niffty appeared, accompanied by the smell of raw sewage. Charlie dry-heaved at the scent as she clapped her hands over her mouth, turning green from the stench. The tiny maid was covered in grime, her pink hair matted down with sludge and her dress caked in dirt and filth that from the look of it, hadn't been washed in years.
"You called?" Niffty said in a grouchy voice that didn't fit her usual cheerful attitude.
"Um…Niffty?" Charlie said, holding her nose with one hand. "Why are you all filthy?"
"Why else? It feels good!" Niffty snapped, grabbing the bucket of grease and mop as she reached into the bucket and ate a browned, moldy apple from it, making Charlie almost vomit as she burped loudly and spat the core onto the ground and then rubbed the grime all over her own hair. "Now if you'll excuse me, miss prissy…"
"But-but-but…you hate dirt!" Charlie cried, grimacing at the horrible smells around her. "…don't you?"
Charlie's eyes bugged out and her mouth fell into a shocked expression as she watched Niffty glare at her with a death stare in with her one eye, then go back to smearing the greasy black gunk all over the walls and floors, leaving a horrible-smelling mess of dark grease everywhere she went. Niffty normally HATED dirt, to the point where she would have a panic attack if she even saw one smudge on her dress. What in all Hell was happening?
"I'll um…talk to you later!" Charlie called as she turned and slowly walked through the black, greasy floors.
"Take this with you!" Niffty yelled as she threw a big bucket of coagulated chicken grease, fish bones, and motor oil and then drank some of it, making Charlie dry-heave again. "Smear it on the floor of the lobby, will you?"
Charlie ran panicked down the hall, dropping the bucket of filthy gunk behind her and skidding to a stop in front of Husker's bar, panting and trying to catch her breath.
"Okay, breathe…just breathe…" she told herself as she pressed a hand to her ample bosom and took a couple of deep breaths. "…everything's fine…"
Suddenly, the bucket of stank landed over her head with a THUNK, covering her head in grease.
"I said TAKE THIS WITH YOU!" Niffty screamed, her usually cute and mild voice sounding demonic as she ran away down the halls with a bucket of grime in each hand. "All that disgusting cleanliness has to go…"
"Niffty giving you trouble again?" Husker's baritone voice said as he held out a towel.
Charlie jumped at the sound, pulling the bucket off her head and wiping the grease off of her face and torso with the offered towel.
"Husker! Thank Satan you're here, I've been having the most horrible morning!" she said, wiping it off her face as she turned around. "Vaggie and Angel are…doing things…in bed, Niffty's making a mess of the place and I don't know what's…what's…what is going on here?"
The bar, which used to be darkly painted and had decorations such as several pairs of horned skulls on top of it, bottles of (quite literal) cheap booze on the shelves, and gambling games such as 'bet your soul', was now a white-painted bar with signs advertising such acts as 'alcoholics counseling', with the booze being replaced with medicine (and not the illegal/addictive kind), therapy and holistic treatments. Husker himself was a lot tidier than usual, with his fur all smooth and shiny as opposed to being unkempt and messy like it usually was, and he was smiling and humming 'Fortunate Son' and humming any song at all was something Husker usually never did. His red bow tie was replaced with a shiny white one, and Charlie could swear she smelled cologne. Charlie's jaw dropped right onto the counter, her head spinning with shock.
"Can I help you?" Husker asked, his voice sounding a lot friendlier than usual.
"Uh…Husk?" Charlie asked as she looked around the bar, jumping as Niffty rode a surfboard on a miniature tidal wave of sewage that flooded the halls. "What is this?"
"My help desk, of course!" Husker said with a grin. "Got anybody with an addiction problem? Back in 'Nam, I always used to cheer the guys up with some fun games to keep their minds off it."
"But-but-but-but…" Charlie said, shuddering as she stumbled over the barstool.
"Careful there, princess. Now, how about some card tricks?" Husker said as he started shuffling a big deck of cards and fanning them out. "Pick a card, any card."
"Um…no thanks. Maybe later." Charlie said as she nervously stumbled backwards and bumped into Angel and Vaggie, the latter of whom was giggled loudly wearing only a big sheet as her long white hair flowed behind her.
Angel was in a pair of goofy pink panties as he tackled Vaggie and made out with her, Vaggie giggling and making out with him in turn. The two of them disappeared behind the big couch in the lobby and before long, the sound of kissing and canoodling was heard as Vaggie opened a narrow box marked 'REALFEEL STRAPLESS DILDO PANTIES' and tossed it away while chasing Angel wearing said panties and teasingly catcalling him. Charlie shuddered and stumbled as a familiar crackling sound was heard and a static flash appeared in the air.
"Alastor, oh thank Satan!" Charlie said with a gasp. "If anybody knows what's going on here its….its…it's…"
Alastor was totally naked, his arms and legs wrapped around an equally-naked demon Charlie recognized as Rosie from the florist parlor in Pentagram City. Charlie gulped and did a double take as she stumbled backwards, slipping on a trail of grime Niffty left behind her like the trail of a giant slug.
"Ah, miss Charlie!" Alastor said as Rosie nuzzled into him and rubbed his antlers, lipstick kiss marks visible on his face. "You appear to have interrupted us."
"But…but…but…!" Charlie said, stumbling backwards as Alastor hoisted Rosie by squeezing her buttocks, making the naked cannibal giggle. "I thought you said you were…asexual…?"
"Why, whatever gave you a ridiculous idea like that?" Alastor said with a grin as he kissed Rosie.
"Hey princess, how's it going?" Rosie asked, giggling again as she landed on her feet and shook Charlie's hand.
Charlie tried to maintain eye contact as the naked cannibal woman playfully ran down the halls, Alastor chasing her with a hungry look in his eyes. She stood in the middle of the hotel and fell down in utter confusion, opening her mouth wide and starting to scream.
"AAUUGGHH!" she screamed as she ran like crazy out the front door and into the streets, causing some of the sewage to flood out before she slammed the doors and several demons and imps looking at the princess of Hell like she was insane.
Charlie ran like a madwoman, jumping and dodging over cars, homeless imps sleeping on the sidewalks, and all through Pentagram City, sure that she was going insane. She grabbed out her cellphone and quickly dialed her parents, getting the usual busy signal.
"Mom, dad, it's an emergency! Everything's topsy-turvy here!" Charlie yelled into the phone as she ran like crazy. "Vaggie likes men, Angel likes women, they're both…grinding…for lack of a more sophisticated term…on his bed, Husker is now sober and running some kind of holistic service, Niffty is a total slob obsessed with filth and is really, really rude, Alastor's…canoodling…with Rosie right in the hotel lobby…if you get this message, PLEEEASE SEND HELLLP!"
Charlie tossed her phone away as the message machine recorded her message, running like crazy as she looked back at the Hazbin Hotel and panicked when she saw Niffty painting blood all over the exterior, cackling about how blood will 'add to the color'. The tuxedo-clad demon then shrieked in horror and ran even faster, passing imps and demons alike who looked at her like she was insane.
"WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MY HOTELLLL?!" Charlie hollered as she rounded the corner in a mad dash, certain that if she wasn't insane now, she would be when she returned later.
This was going to be a long, long day.
Meanwhile…
"Well, looks like she's gone." Angel Dust said as he closed the curtains of the hotel window.
"Thank Satan for that…" Vaggie said, pulling on her bra and panties as she wiped her lips while scrubbing her teeth with a toothbrush and mint toothpaste. "…did you have to use your tongue? You are fucking disgusting, no wonder I never wanted to sleep with a man!"
"Aw c'mon, toots. It worked!" Angel said as he strutted through the lobby, still naked and fluffy before picking up his pinstriped suit and skirt from behind the couch. "That was one wacky April Fool's prank, I can't believe she forgot it was today!"
"Still, it was pretty mean." Vaggie said, pulling her dress back on as she gargled with fruity mouthwash, desperately scrubbing her tongue and teeth with the omnidirectional toothbrush, using mint toothpaste to get the taste out of her mouth. "I only went along with this goddamn prank of yours because I'm still a little miffed with her about that musical number on the news and I also wanted her to just loosen up a little since she's been so stressed lately, but I didn't want her scared! You never told me this prank involved everybody in the hotel, you didn't tell me they would be acting crazy too, and we were practically fucking each other right there on the lobby floor!"
"You think you had it bad, small fry?" Husker growled, the name making Vaggie growl as he yanked off the suit and pants and threw it away. "All this fucking hippy shit up here, and I fucking hate wearin' clothes! You try havin' fur AND putting all these fucking clothes on! In Hell, to top it all off! I haven't felt this fuckin' hot since I slogged through the jungles to get those goddamn VCs outta 'Nam!"
"I dunno, Husky…I sure love wearing stuff over my fur." Angel said as he sat on the bar and posed like a swimsuit model, stretching out his legs flirtatiously. "But it's even more fun when some knight in fuzzy armor tears it all off…"
"Aw, shut up, legs!" Husker said as he pulled down the fake signs, swiveled the bar around to reveal the actual bar behind the revolving wall they had installed as part of the prank and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. "I need a fucking drink…"
"And with that out of the way…" Alastor said as he pulled his suit back on and tenderly set Rosie down on the ground and materializing a bouquet of roses for her. "…so sorry, my dear. I'm just not inclined towards people in such an intimate way, I hope you don't mind?"
"Of course not, Alastor…" Rosie said as she inhaled the sweet scent of the roses. "…I had a wonderful time! See you again soon?"
Alastor kissed her hand, making Rosie blush as she skipped out the door. As soon as the door closed, Niffty ran screaming through the halls to clean up the sewage after she was sure to clean every drop of blood from the hotel exterior, scrubbing everything she could touch with a half-dozen sponges and a gallon of solvent. She herself was all sparkling-clean and smelling of lemon, having finally scrubbed all of the grease and grime off of herself with a deep-clean treatment so thorough that she had used a douche, enema, charcoal soap, minty toothpaste, mint floss, a dozen bottles of shampoo, alcohol, eye drops, combs, earwax remover and a vacuum cleaner to get rid of every little bit of dirt, garbage and blood within every crevice of her body. Niffty had also ran her cute little dress through the wash so thoroughly that it was soft and smelling of soap.
"Clean it all, it must be cleaned! Clean the dirt, every speck, NOW!" Niffty screamed as she raced down the halls with sponges, scrubbing and wiping every little bit of dirt she had rubbed on previously. "Ooh, I still feel so filthy! Somebody please get me a bathtub!"
Alastor materialized one as Niffty dove head-first into it, her cute little dress flying into the tub ahead of her. The tiny maid was scrubbing herself with big sponges and a brush, panicking and worrying about the dirt as she rubbed lemon wax into her skin. Vaggie walked past after finally pulling her dress and shoes back on, feeling a lot less dirty than she had earlier and looking kind of nervous and guilty.
"From now on, I'm never scaring poor Charlie like that again, no matter how upset with her I get." she said as she drank some tequila to rinse the taste out of her mouth, gasping at the taste. "Well, I hope I can make it up to her sometime soon."
"C'mon toots, it was just a harmless prank!" Angel said with a grin as he grabbed a cylindrical Popsicle from the freezer and suckled it suggestively, deliberately emphasizing the act as Vaggie grimaced at him and groaned at his ridiculous antics. "Sure, it was one of my more elaborate ones, but I'm sure she'll be fine. Besides, it sure sounded like you softened her up by fucking her brains out last night, so a little harmless fun will cool her hot little tw-"
"You were fucking listening to us?!" Vaggie yelled, grabbing him by the neck and throttling him as he laughed. "You shameless, sex-obsessed, misogynistic-!"
"Ooh! Harder, daddy!" Angel teased as Vaggie grimaced and jumped off of him with a shudder.
"You are fucking disgusting!" she yelled, glaring with her one good eye as she slapped him across the face so hard his other eye turned black.
"Miss Vagatha, please don't hit poor Mr. Angel!" Niffty said as she started spraying her down with cleaner, especially under Vaggie's skirt, as the moth-like demon pulled out her spear and pointed it at her to make her run away.
"Meh, I've had harder." Angel said with a grin as he sat down on the bar, legs tucked up like a fashion model. "So, eh…is anybody gonna go get her?"
"Don't fucking look at me, legs." Husker griped as he rearranged the gambling signs behind the bar and swigged some liquor from a big bottle marked 'cheap booze'. "If I learned one thing in the war, it's to let the ladies come back when they want. I'm pretty sure she figured out it's all just a big fucking joke."
"I don't know…Charlie likes jokes and pranks sometimes, but she can also be pretty gullible sometimes." Vaggie said, rubbing her arm nervously. "Did I ever tell you about the time I pranked her a few years ago by sneaking out of bed, dressing up like a guy and sneaking back in? It was the morning after one of our dates, it happened to be April Fool's day, and it must have been convincing because she panicked and had Razzle and Dazzle teleport back in with swords because she thought I was some kind of intruder. I had to pull off the disguise and tell her it was me before they attacked."
"C'mon, small fry. I'm sure she's not as gullible anymore." Angel said as he ruffled Vaggie's hair with the knuckles of three of his hands, making her growl in annoyance (both at the nickname and the noogie) as she smoothed it out again. "I mean, c'mon! What's the worst that could happen?"
A few minutes later…
"I'm telling you, it was real!" Charlie yelled as several beefy royal demons pulled her away, naked but for a straitjacket and leg binders since her clothes had been torn in the rampage she had gone on in her demon form after finding her entire life upside-down. "Vaggie-kissing Angel…Husker…hippy…but without drugs…! Radio demon…sleeping with Rosie…! Niffty all filthy…! And then-and then-and then…ka-bloosh! Waggayaggafraaa! My hoooteeeel!"
"Sorry about this, princess. Your parents said a good meditation spell should help along with some counseling and ECT, and your friends can all visit from 2 to 6 on weekdays." One of the demons said, apologetically pushing her into the back of a big van. "We'll get you all sorted out and make sure none of this gets out to the public. Especially given the reputation of that homophobic bitch on the news spewing all her worthless shit with this place…"
The van doors were locked as the now-mostly crazed Charlie was driven away screaming in the van, subconsciously thankful no other demons were outside to witness this at this hour. Vaggie, Alastor, Husker, Niffty, and Angel Dust were all standing right outside the hotel in shock, with Vaggie looking horrified at her girlfriend being driven to a mental asylum before turning and glaring at Angel Dust with skulls and crossbones in her eyes as she tore out some of her long white hair in fury.
"I may be wrong, but um…I might have gone a little bit too far with this prank." Angel said as he nervously rubbed his bottom right arm with his bottom left arm.
"YOU THINK?" Vaggie yelled as she tackled Angel and throttled him so hard he nearly vomited, slamming him down like a wrestler and then running after the van with tears in her cute eyes. "HANG ON, HUN! YOU IN THE VAN, PLEASE COME BACK! WE CAN EXPLAAAIN!"
"Well, that was unexpected." Alastor said as he swished his microphone cane in the air and opened a portal. "I'd better help out the ladies with this little oversight. Angel, do be a dear and make sure Niffty doesn't clean the hotel too thoroughly, or the paint will be stripped from the walls. Oh, and…"
There was a crackling noise as Alastor increased in size and static started flickering behind him, turning the background into static. He held his cane menacingly like a sword, his eyes turning black and red as he stared down Angel.
"MAKE SURE THE HOTEL IS ONE PIECE BY THE TIME WE RETURN, OR YOU WILL REGRET IT." He said as the static suddenly stopped with a high-pitched screech of static and he walked through the portal. "Well folks, it looks like it's up to us to save the princess!"
"I can't fucking believe you, legs!" Husker growled as he jumped into the air and flew after the van. "It's all gone wrong, just like in fucking Cu Nghi!"
Angel looked at the entourage chasing the asylum van containing the princess of Hell, then shrugged and leaned back on the hotel steps, pulling out a bag of angel dust and a cigarette before lighting up and watching the chaos he had created. He grinned and leaned back with a chuckle before remembering pulling similar pranks as a kid in Chicago, like having his brother's dog drag a wet paintbrush by his tail all over the family mansion. Man, did he get in trouble for that prank, especially when his dad saw the green trails on the carpets. Arackniss and his parents had always said he was a little shit, despite Molly saying that he was just a little fun-loving. His immature personality was the bane of his family's existence, especially after he ended up in Hell, and now was the bane of his friends' existence. However, these days, it was mostly to cover up the pain he felt from Valentino. Not that any of them needed to know that, even if it resulted in Vaggie and the rest of the hotel staff calling him an immature bastard.
"Eh, I guess they're right." Angel said as he picked up Fat Nuggets and snuggled him before picking up some whoopee cushions, a box of wind-up mice, a box of crickets and a big bucketful of caramel and heading out towards a nearby restaurant with a malicious grin. "Then again, growin' up's overrated as fuck."
The end.
I haven't written a comedy in a while, please review!
