The Rat.
In the last moments of Peter Pettigrew's life he knew he wasn't brave.
He was suffocating. Vision going black, obscuring the youngest ginger boy of the family he had deluded himself into thinking he belonged with. The blurriness made the other boy look even more like his former best friend, James Potter. Not that James would have ever called him his best friend. Neither would have Sirius. Or Remus. Certainly not Lilly.
As his consciousness faded, he found out there had been some truth to the common phrase "having your life flash before your eyes".
Flash.
Almost out of body he saw his sorting. The hat had been reluctant to put him in Gryffindor. But unlike Remus, who was nearly placed into Ravenclaw for studious attitude, the hat had not suggested a secondary house. It was nearly silent upon his head, only mumbling words to itself like, "no ambition" or "no creativity". It was only when it had said "coward" to itself that the words had really struck a nerve.
"Better prove yourself, boy" it said, and Peter prayed that none of the other students would ever know what it had said. He sat himself among his new peers and felt the air of not quite belonging. A not uncommon feeling.
Flash.
He had done it. He had become friends with the most popular kids, James Potter and Sirius Black, as well as Remus Lupin, the mysterious kid with scars. They went on adventures together around the grounds, talked about cute girls, and pranked the slimy Slytherins to their heart's content. His grades were fine, fine enough at least. Never as good as his peers. But it was fine. He could live with it.
Flash.
He watched James and Sirius turn into their majestic animal forms and gritted his teeth. He transformed into his rat form and launched himself onto Prong's antlers. At least he didn't have to walk as far. When they reached the tree that protected Moony or protected from Moony, he hopped down and pressed the knot on the trunk, freezing it in place. Oh how useful he was. How needed. As he watched the three animals play from the safety of a branch, he once again reminded himself that he could live with it.
Flash.
He was trying to fit in. Fawning over James had always worked so well in the past, but now that he was dating Lilly he didn't seek as much attention from his friends. Well he did from Sirius. And Remus. Not him though. How could he be the kid-sibling when they were all the same age? When did they all outgrow him?
Flash.
Join the Order. Do your duty. Protect others. It felt so empty. Did anyone in the Order actually want to protect him? It was always about protecting family, lovers, best friends. But where did that leave him. His family was dead. Murdered/killed by the explosion the rocked the small rural wizard farm where he had been raised. The Order had bigger targets to protect. He had no lovers. Who would want to date him? He was the shortest man in their graduating class. His baby fat had turned out to be just fat and had not gone away with puberty. And his friends…. He knew they were each other's best friends now. Sirius and James were brothers practically. And Remus and Sirius were closer in a different way that he would never understand. He had no one.
Flash.
It was just as he thought, no one would protect him. Four death eaters surrounded him; wands raised. One of them laughed and he thought he recognized the voice of Sirius's cousin, Bellatrix Black. No, he was expendable. Just a rat. Cannon-fodder as the muggles would say. "I'll talk!" he heard himself saying, and the girl laughed again.
Flash.
He stared down at the baby, little Harry Potter. The same baby he had sold out to the Dark Lord. He wondered who the Dark Lord would kill first.
His first friend at Hogwarts? That very friend's wife? Would the timing be bad, and Sirius or Remus be there and get murdered too? Maybe he should be there to go down as a hero for once. No… the Dark Lord would just expose his lies to the Potter's before he murdered the couple.
It was not surprising how easy it was to convince James to switch secret keepers. He always believed that Peter was obsessed with him, loyal to the death. James didn't realize and likely would never, that he himself wasn't reciprocal with the loyalty to Peter. If it meant protecting his son, his wife, his brother, or his close friend Remus, he would sacrifice Peter every time. It wasn't Peter's fault that he was just the first to acknowledge the lack of loyalty between the two of them…right?
Flash.
His memories were getting faster and faster.
He watched a young ginger boy pick up a dirty old rat in the garden and vow to protect it.
He watched all the Weasley's get sorted so confidently into the house he never truly felt a part of.
He watched Harry grow up alone, while ignoring the painful regret that pushed against his stubborn declaration that it wasn't his fault.
He watched the same boy bleed, tied to a grave by a man who called him his childhood nickname only to remind him of his treachery to the same friends who had given him it.
He watched his fellow Death Eaters torture and kill, all seemingly enjoying the violence. All but one. The youngest. They were both surely too far in to ever get out. Would anyone believe them if they did?
He watched himself stop choking Harry. The silver hand had always known he was a traitor. It turned on him in return.
He knew he wasn't brave.
