For Always
After getting back together, Ross and Rachel have a long overdue discussion about the break. One shot.
It was a Saturday night and Ross and Rachel were on their second official date. Of course, the term "dating" had long become trivial to them, what with their history, sharing a child as well as now living together, but they still couldn't help but get caught up in the exhilaration of feeling madly in love. They had been back "on" again for two weeks now and it felt as new and exciting as it had the first time around.
For their first date, Ross had surprised Rachel with a lavish dinner at The Plaza to mark one week since she got off the plane. He knew how much she'd appreciate the excuse to get all dressed up, and having not been on the dating scene in quite some time, he also couldn't help but want to spoil her. On the contrary, they had decided they would spend their second date enjoying a cosy dinner and evening in, with Emma spending the night at Jack and Judy's so that they could get some proper alone time together. Knowing they would be uninterrupted, Ross took it as the opportunity to have a heart to heart about a topic that had been put off for far too long now—the break. He insisted Rachel relax on the couch after they'd finished dinner, while he took care of clearing the table and doing the dishes to give himself the time to mull over his thoughts and think about what he wanted to say. Feeling apprehensive, he was taking his time in the kitchen and Rachel would surely be wondering what he was up to so after a few more moments to himself, he pulled it together and finally entered the living room.
It was now or never. Ross took a deep breath and braced himself.
"Rach, can we talk?"
"... Sure. About what? Are you breaking up with me?" she joked.
Ross chuckled before the tone in his voice became nervous. "No, although, what I want to talk about actually does, uh, involve breaks…"
"Oh," Rachel closed her book and took off her glasses. This was actually something serious.
"Yeah."
"This has been a long overdue conversation, hasn't it?"
"It has. And I thought I should be the one to initiate it… y'know, since I was the one who slept with someone."
Rachel nodded. She didn't know any other way to respond.
Ross took a seat beside Rachel and went momentarily silent not knowing how to begin the conversation. They had always been people to skirt around their feelings and being open with one another and without letting their pride get in the way was something that hadn't come so easily to them. He took her hands in his and she gave them a small squeeze looking into his eyes, encouraging him to speak.
"I knew this was going to be difficult, but I'm feeling kinda nervous right now…" Ross tried to shake it off with a timid smile, but his heart felt like it was beating out of his chest.
"Me too, but we can do this. It's okay, honey."
"Okay, well, first, I love you and you make me so incredibly happy, Rachel. I know we have our baggage, but the fact that we're here now and we're ready to have this talk, I think it shows we've already come a long way."
Rachel was on the verge of tears before they had barely said anything. Oh, how she adored this man. He always had a way with the words and knew how to melt her heart. She breathed in and then composed herself.
"I love you too, Ross, and I meant it when I said this is where I want to be."
Ross nodded and kissed her hand before they were met with another deafening silence. There was no going back now.
"So, um, the whole break thing. I'm just gonna get into it because I don't know how else to begin… I genuinely thought we were broken up, Rach, but I know it doesn't excuse what I did and I hope you know how truly sorry I am."
"I do know," she stated matter-of-factly before she continued. "I didn't want to break up, but I was so mad at you that I said what I said in the heat of the moment. So maybe we were on a break, but break or no break, you still hurt me, Ross."
That one stung. He was expecting that and yet, it still pained him to hear her say it. "Technicalities" were rendered meaningless when it didn't make a difference to how it made her feel.
"I know. And I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. I never meant to hurt you, Rach. That night though…" he paused, not knowing if he should say her name or not. "She kept pushing and wouldn't get off me even when I refused and I don't know… I was weak. I—I couldn't think straight…" he said sadly, hanging his head in shame.
"I never knew that… about her."
"I know it doesn't change anything…"
"It doesn't hurt any less, no, but I know you weren't yourself that night and I know you wouldn't cheat on me."
"I felt hurt that I was being accused of cheating and I got defensive, so I guess that's why I started the whole 'we were on a break' thing."
"I shouldn't have made those accusations. You apologised for hurting me, but I never did for my own actions. Admitting to being broken up, that stupid letter… I'm sorry. I really am, Ross."
"Thank you, Rachel. It means a lot to hear you say that," he spoke tenderly and sincerely. "And I know I shouldn't have kept it from you. I swear, I wanted to tell you. I should have listened to my instincts and I didn't. I really, really messed up and I'll never be able to say sorry enough."
"You did mess up. That night it happened, Ross… you just stormed out and left."
"I wanted to go out and talk things over, Rach, but when you said you wanted a break from us, everything felt so… final and like you had already made up your mind. And then when I called you and I heard Mark, I just—I couldn't bear it. I guess I got caught up in the heat of the moment too."
"We've never been able to talk things through calmly and rationally, have we?"
"We haven't, but hey, we're doing a pretty good job now though," he answered, kissing her hand again.
"We are," Rachel softly smiled and nodded. "Honey, I'm sorry if you felt neglected in any way when we were first together. Relationships take two people to make them work and I know when I started at Bloomingdale's, I got busy and…"
"Hey, no," he interrupted. "Don't be sorry for that. You had to go out there and make your mark on the world, Rachel. I thought I could be a part of that, but I realise now you had to do it on your own. I'm so proud of you, you know that, right?"
"Oh, honey. I know you are. You have to understand that I was never going to let anything come between us."
"Except…"
"Except what?" she urged.
Ross was entering dangerous territory. The conversation was going well and this could very well set her off. It had always been a contentious topic in the final weeks of their relationship, but he knew this was his opportunity to get everything off his chest and lay it all out on the line.
"Except you did sorta go on a date with Mark…"
"We were broken up," she replied defensively, letting go of his hands. He saw this coming.
"But it proves I was right about him. He made his move almost instantly and you still went out with him. It pretty much confirmed my fears," Ross responded in a gentle and earnest manner.
Rachel was taken aback. He had a point.
"Oh," she simply stated, averting her eyes down towards Ross' hands and taking hold of them again in empathy. "I never really thought of it that way before… I'm sorry you had to see us that day. I don't know if it makes you feel any better, but I couldn't stop thinking about you the entire time. It felt like I was cheating. And I hate that he was there the night of the break and that I lied about it and you had to hear him. All I really wanted was you."
"Hey, it's okay," he replied reassuringly and rubbing her hand as he noticed the tears forming in her eyes. "I just needed to let you know how I felt, that's all."
Unlike past discussions that had led to heated arguments, this wasn't about being right, it was now purely about letting out those uncomfortable truths and letting go of what had been holding them back for so long.
"Okay, that's good. This is what we need—open communication. No more bottling everything up and then exploding."
"Rachel, when I lost Carol, I felt like I lost everything. Then you came back into my life and somehow, you fell for me—the most beautiful woman I've ever known and who could get any guy she wanted. When Mark came into picture, I wondered how I could ever measure up if I couldn't be good enough for Carol and I hate that I let it consume me. It just felt like the same thing I went through with Carol was playing out between you and Mark and I freaked out and didn't know how to handle it."
Rachel, moved by his vulnerability, placed her hands on his cheeks and looked straight into his sad, deep brown eyes. "Honey, listen to me. I'm not Carol. I'm not going to leave you for anyone. I love you. I wouldn't be here otherwise. Mark was never in the picture when it came to us."
"I know, I know that now. I never realised how much Carol leaving really affected me. I was projecting and I shouldn't have done that."
"Maybe all that stuff with Carol was for the best, y'know? Otherwise you and I couldn't have happened."
"I don't want to think about that. Without you… or Emma…" Ross spoke with his voice beginning to crack.
Hearing his voice made hers crack too, "Me neither."
"I'm so sorry I hurt you, Rachel."
And just like that, the walls they had built with their egos and pride came crashing like a ton of bricks and Ross broke down in tears, burying his head in her chest and holding onto her for dear life. The remorse, the guilt and the jealousy washed over him as he let it all out through his quiet sobs. What had stemmed from his fears and insecurities over the infidelity of his ex-wife turned into a projection onto the love of his life and then wound up as a self-fulfilling prophecy. The sheer desperation not to lose Rachel the same way he lost Carol somehow made him believe he was going to and everything he did in his power to stop this from happening was ironically, what made it happen in the first place. His worries of Rachel going off with another man had been self-inflicted and in a turn of events, led him to another person. The combination of drunkenness and heartbreak was unbearable and he found himself in a dark, bleak place, somewhere he swore he'd never return to again.
Memories of Ross on his knees begging for her forgiveness came flooding back to Rachel's memory and as she felt his hot, flowing tears soak through her t-shirt, she too broke down. Seeing the man she loved so vulnerable and so regretful was enough to tear her heart in two and put it back together all at the same time. He was beautiful to her. She wrapped her arms around his head and ran her fingers through his hair to comfort him and let him know everything was okay now.
"I know you are, Ross. I forgive you. I did a long time ago. I'm so sorry too," she soon spoke, her voice choking up and letting the tears fall freely down her face.
"It's okay. It's okay," he whispered into her chest.
After a short while, Ross loosened his embrace to look up at her. "When did you decide to forgive me?"
Rachel wiped her tears and composed herself. "I don't know. It wasn't an exact moment I can pinpoint. It just sorta happened over time…"
"I would go back in time and take it all back if I could…"
"Mistakes don't define people, Ross. You're a good person and none of it compares to how happy you make me."
"Thank you for not giving up on me. I love you so much."
"I love you too. You never gave up on us," she replied, softly stroking his cheek.
Ross sat up and held her hands again. "Are we okay now? Do you have anything else on your mind?"
"Actually, yeah, I do…"
"Oh," he expressed with concern in his voice.
"Why… how come…" Rachel hadn't actually thought about her words before she began speaking. "Every time we broke up, you always seemed to move on so quickly…"
"That's not the case at all, sweetie," conversely to Rachel, Ross paused to find the right words. "... It's just that if I didn't put myself out there, I would've driven myself crazy thinking about you all the time. And if you ended things, then I had to at least try. I mean, it didn't work out too well. I always chose you, didn't I?"
"Yeah, you did," she smiled timidly. "I guess I knew that, I just needed to hear it. I always hated it when you tried to move on. You and Julie, shaving your girlfriend's head, trying to stop your wedding… you weren't the only jealous one. What was I thinking?!"
While the conversation was about discussing the break, the rollercoaster of their relationship meant there were other related issues that warranted talking about and Rachel felt compelled to acknowledge her fair share of mistakes and wrongdoings and make peace with her own past.
Ross simply laughed it off. "Yeah, you're a piece of work, Rachel Green."
"And I'm sorry about that whole Joey thing too, ugh," she mentioned, less than amused.
"Hey… he's a good guy and we hadn't been a couple in years."
"He is, but I never felt that way about him and I shouldn't have done that if I never shared his feelings and put the both of you through that."
"I mean, it was kinda weird. It's like if Phoebe and I got together. Even Monica and I. You get why I had that initial freak out, right?"
She shot him a look, disturbed by his words, before admitting defeat. "Yeah, I do know. I had a momentary lapse in judgement…"
"Hey, listen, don't be so hard on yourself. It's all in the past now. I know I've certainly let my feelings get ahead of me."
"So, you think you can handle a lifetime of Rachel Green?" she asked in jest.
"I think I just might be the only guy who can," Ross joked back.
Rachel breathed a sigh of relief. "Wow, this felt really good to get out."
"It really did."
"Imagine if we had never broken up."
"Life would certainly be a lot different. But I don't think we would've worked out with anyone we were with."
"God, we had a lot of growing up to do."
Ross shook his head in disbelief and smiled as he looked back on their past. "That's definitely true."
"I hope you know how happy I am that you came after me."
"I wasn't strong enough to let you go again," he spoke softly.
Rachel shook her head. "No, honey, you were strong enough to go after what you wanted. You poured your heart out and what you did was so brave. Remember how scared you were just to ask me out? I'm really proud of you too."
Ross thought back to ten years ago when Rachel reentered his life, rain-soaked wedding dress and all. He had "grabbed a spoon" that day, but then did nothing with it. Freshly divorced and terrified of dating, he stood by watching Rachel with an Italian guy and then her ex-fiancé and when he did finally get his chance, it was over before it had even begun all because of a stupid list. When he insisted she make her own, she'd told him he was insecure and could never seize the day, but now, things were different and this time around, he did. If Ross and Rachel were ever going to be Ross and Rachel again, it was up to him to make that call. No matter what the outcome had been that fateful day, he would finally tell her how he felt—and always felt—once and for all.
"I would have regretted it forever if I didn't at least say anything."
"And you owe it to yourself to let someone know how you feel… at least I wasn't married to someone else when you said it."
They both chuckled and the air in the room became less and less tense.
"Rach, can I ask you something—and you can be brutally honest—is there any part of you that thinks about Paris?"
"I mean, sure. I think about it sometimes, I think about a lot of things… but not finding out what could happen between us scares me more than not finding out what Paris could have been like and that's how I know I made the right decision."
Rachel had taken a lot of risks in her life and the fact that this one felt as huge as the one she made ten years ago leaving Barry at the altar told her she knew she had to take it. Her heart fluttered at the thought of her future with Ross. Every cliché she could think of—the beautiful wedding, the marriage, the house, more kids—she wanted it all with the only man she'd ever loved. When she turned thirty, it felt unimaginable, but now it lay right before her in front of her very own eyes when she looked at him. She could have what she was looking for in Paris anywhere in the world, but she would never find that same kind of love in anyone else.
"You won't regret this, Rachel," spoke Ross, kissing her hands once more.
"You don't have to tell me that. I know."
"So, I guess we're in agreement that we were on a break then, huh?" he said lightheartedly and laughed.
"Are you seriously making a break joke right now?!"
"I shouldn't have said that, should I?"
Not knowing when to shut up—that was something Ross would still have to work on.
She shot him the death stare. "What do you think?!"
"I'm sorry. Please don't be mad. From now on, no more jokes or mention of the break ever again, I promise. It's all in the past now."
"Thank you."
"I mean, we have a pretty crazy story to tell the kids and grandkids one day though, right?"
Rachel's ears suddenly pricked up. "Kids? Plural?"
"Well, yeah…" Ross looked concerned he might've said too much, but the tone in his voice was genuine.
She knew it was still too soon to be having that conversation, especially after the loaded discussion they'd just had, but she nevertheless grinned from ear to ear. She couldn't help it.
"You drive me crazy, you know that?" she said, rolling her eyes and shaking her head. She then gazed up at him, looking dreamily into his eyes and exhaled, "But you also drive me crazy…"
He looked at her shyly with a boyish grin on his face and it was enough to melt her heart and take his face in her hands and kiss him ever so lovingly and adoringly.
"Rachel, no matter what happens between us, I will always love you," Ross said immediately after they broke their kiss.
On the verge of tears again, she was simultaneously touched and worried by his words. "You don't think we're gonna make it this time?"
"No, of course we are…" he replied, reassuringly. " But there's also no way of knowing the future and if something happens... I just need you to know that."
She nodded. "I will always love you too, Ross. Always."
"Hey, it's getting late, how about we go to bed now?" Ross suggested getting up from the couch.
Rachel followed suit and yawned. "Yeah, I'm beat."
"Hey, come here," Ross said, bringing Rachel into his strong, safe and secure arms. He kissed the top of her head that was resting on his chest and she completely sunk into his embrace.
Emotionally spent like that night seven years ago, they also felt renewed, hopeful and filled with more love for each other than ever before. It signified a turning point in their once fraught relationship and a new chapter in their lives together where they had finally got their timing and communication right.
As they got into bed, Ross wrapped his arms from behind her while she was nestled into him, stroking his hands. They'd made love every single day since they had got back together and something told Ross they would be breaking that streak and there would be no three hundred and seventeenth time tonight. Truth be told, all he wanted to do was hold her and he was starting to come around over being a cuddly sleeper, anyway.
"Ross?"
"Yeah, beautiful?"
"Will you just hold me tonight?"
He smiled, smelling her hair. "Of course."
"You're never letting me go again, remember?"
"I'll never let myself forget it."
Ross squeezed her tighter and without even realising, he would stop keeping count from this moment onwards. Rachel closed her eyes, feeling safe and at home in his embrace and comforted by the fact that whatever bumps lay ahead of them, they could now overcome it all. They weren't perfect, but they were imperfectly perfect together.
Author's note: This fic has been several months in the making as I lacked the motivation to put any real effort into it, but then I met a bunch of lovely girls on Twitter who inspired me to do so! A special shoutout to Steph who helped me with some of the writing too! If you're also on Twitter, my username is rossandrachlove and I'm pretty active over there. It's a fun time! Thanks for reading and for keeping the love for this beautiful couple alive!
