(Age 23, The 75th Hunger Games- Quarter Quell )
No family. No visitors, straight to the train. They wern't playing around this year. We wern't children anymore, we were adults and yet I felt more insignificant then I ever had in my entire life. Powerless, hopeless and alone.
My mother was in that crowd somewhere. We had a difficult relationship. It stemed from my mother still being a typical District One citizen. Amazed and beyond proud that one of her children turned out to be a Victor.
I used to have two older brothers. Both had volunteered but never actually won a reaping. Snow had killed them along with my father as soon as I won my games. Yet, it was my mother who chose to turn a blind eye and only focus on the honour I'd brought her.
She lived in her own mansion outside Victor's Villiage in the wealthier part of District One. She was a jeweler and her work was prized in the Capitol. More so because my last name was attached on all the labels of the many jeweled luxturies she made. Thus, the people in the Capitol didn't buy for the actual ring or the quality of her work. Not that she cared. She'd always been materialistic but then again, most people are in District One. Even I'd be lying if I said I wasn't.
It took me a year after my games to work out that my mother wasn't like most mums in District One. Maybe it took me so long to figure out because as a child I'd only ever spend three months at home each year. Or maybe it was because I'd never bothered with anything as a child that wasn't to do with the hunger games.
My mother doesn't love me. Like everyone in District One she'd done the right thing. Attended the academy, volunteered at nearly every reaping and when that proved unsuccessful...she'd married succsessful. I think the fact that we're encouraged early on to not make emotional ties with people hindered us, all of us in District One.
My mother never bothered to make emotional ties after she turned eighteen because she didn't know how to. Trained her whole life not to. Not uncommon for people of District One but most are able to express love for their own children. Mainly because it's a biological survival instinct, most parents in our District can register love. The key word there being most.
She didn't know anthing but how to use knifes. Sometimes when I was home for the summer I'd find her in the kitchen playing with knifes. They'd move in her hands so quickly that I thought it looked beautiful. Like dancing sparkling fingers. When she'd catch me staring at her she'd grip my shoulders and put the knifes in my hands before whispering 'Don't make a mess of it'.
Not the happiest childhood memory but I guess Panem isn't the happiest place on earth either. Question is, did you want to be rich with a fucked up, brainwashed life style? or strave for the rest of your life?...Apples and oranges I guess. People didn't know, but it could be just as bad to live in District One as it is to live in District Twelve.
My mother made jelwery now. She always had to be using her hands. However never feeling anything proved why she didn't seem at all phased when our family died. It also explained why she didn't hug me after I won. Instead, I recieved a lecture on how weak I looked screaming for a whole hour. As well as how killing those last two tributes at the end was the only leg I had to stand on to redeem myself.
Still, would've been nice to say goodbye. Just so I could pretend that at least someone out there loved me. That I had someone to fight for, to come back home for.
The train was luxturious and sadly it's glamour had little effect on me. I was simply used it, if not used to better.
Cashmere was crying on the large couch when I entered the dinning cart. Her red glassy eyes met mine and I didn't know what to do. Where did this leave our friendship? She's the mentor for District One this year. How could she even think about helping me when her own brother is going in there with me?
I heard a grunt behind me and looked over my shoulder at Gloss. I was blocking the entrance and yet I didn't move. He smirked at me, one you'd give a friend. It wasn't his typical I'm better than everyone smirk he used in the Capitol. It's the one he'd give me whenever he's visiting Cashmere and I just happen to be there.
He leant forward and chuckled slightly. "Not given up already have you?"
I smiled back at him. "And let you have all the glory? I don't think so".
I was suddenly greatful that it was Gloss who'd been reaped with me and not some over the top fanatical career from District One. Yes, Gloss is a Career. And yes, he did volunteer but I knew and trusted him. Based off that smirk I knew he trusted me too.
I slowly shook my head at him and took a step back, letting him enter the cart. He slowly made his way over to Cashmere, in seconds she was in his arms and a sobbing mess. I told myself she was my friend, my bestfriend and I shouldn't hate her for not volunteering. After all, if the tables were turned I knew I wouldn't have volunteered for her. Which I think says allot about our character, about District One and what we're trained to be.
A new question entered my mind, one I didn't even think mattered until I saw the brother and sister clinging to eachother infront of me. Was I even capable of love?
That night after a six course meal we were all lying on the couches. Ceasar's face that hadn't aged in the past seventy odd years was staring back at us. I wondered how that was possible, surely surgery wasn't the only thing he had done. I shuddered, it was just too freaky to even think about.
Gloss sat in the middle of Cashmere and myself. Very easy going and maintaing conversation easily. Cashmere had finally stopped crying and it almost felt normal. Just the three of us like always. It definitely felt better now since I wasn't acting weridly around her like I had this afternoon. The image on the screen suddenly changed and Mavis stood centre stage.
I could see myself in the pen, hand glued to Cashmere's with a sinister smirk on my pretty face. I watched our hug, and I stood before my district rising my head in what looked like pride. Instead I knew I was secretly freaking the fuck out while looking at a distant tree. I felt myself relax in the recliner, I looked every bit the part of the fearless excited career. My mother would be safe and really thats all that matters now.
I could feel Gloss' eyes on me and I raised a questioning eyebrow. He chuckled down at me. "You looked good out there. Confident anyway".
I felt myself smile before I turned back to the screen to see us raising our arms up in pride. I clicked my tongue, we looked so eager it was almost too off putting to watch. "Thanks. You too I guess".
We watched the rest in silence. With the odd comment here and there. Brutus and Enobaria were reaped for District Two. They'd be the rest of the career pack, our alliance. I didn't know how I felt about them, what with her fangs and the fact that Brutus volunteered. They put me on edge more so then Mike ever would. I just know I won't be sleeping at all when it's their watch.
When District Four's reaping played and I actually scoffed. Of course it's Finnick Odair that's reaped. Gloss found my reaction funny and Cashmere rolled her eyes at me. Finnick smirked out at the crowd, hansome features on full display and I actually felt excited once again for the hunger games. I turned eagerly in my seat towards Gloss who raised an eyebrow at my sudden excitement. I smirked "He's mine!".
Mine to hunt and mine to kill. Gloss nodded at me uncaring. But I cared. Because it's been Finnick Odair whose been messing with me ever since I'd won my games. Our rivalry was known throughout Panem. Career against Career. I don't know why he hates me but he's loathed me since probably the second we first met at my Victory party.
In my opinion it was unprecidented as I'd never met him before. But it was him, who'd offered me a pink drink that caused me to spew my guts up infront of everyone. Him, who'd filrt and bring up my games every chance he had to tourment me. And it was him who suggested to Snow that I was desirable. Him who told Snow I could help him and Cashmere out with their many appointments. So, It was going to be him.
I'd told myself I'd never kill anyone ever again. But he's the exception to the rule. It'll be him that I'll kill in the arena.
