Garlic Press: A Tragicomedy

Chapter 1:

My mom is such a stupid fucking bitch. If she wasn't such a dumb whore, I wouldn't be in this mess. She's chasing around this 22-year-old male model on his tour by following his Instagram. About a week ago she came home drunk (ugh, what else is new) and told me, "Mommy's gonna go away for a few months, so you gotta go live with your dad kay hun?" Honestly, I don't know why I didn't think of doing this sooner. Sure, Robert lives in a creepy small town that always smells like garlic and is rumored to have vampires, but at this point, I'll take it over having to deal with my adult-child mother.

Robert picks me up at Garlic Bread international. It's an hour drive from there to Garlic Press. We mostly sit in silence. I'm thankful I don't have to endure his fake Australian accent.

"G'day mate," he'd said when he pulled up to the curb where I was waiting with my luggage (three suitcases, a backpack, a duffle bag, and a large winter coat). I'd had to leave all my weed and bong collection behind, so I was in a pretty crappy mood.

"I'm on my period," I said as a way of greeting as he tried to hug me. That killed conversation pretty fast. When we arrive at his shitty little house, I'm unsurprised to note that it looks exactly the same as when I last visited five years ago. Robert helps me take my stuff upstairs to my room. I set the suitcase I was carrying on my bed. The comforter is covered in rubber duckies.

"I'll heat up some instant potatoes on the Barbi for Dinner if that's alright, Maybelline," he says in the doorway, tipping his stupid Australian hat. I run towards him, and slam the fucking door in his face. I turn and bodyslam into the pillow, screaming until I pass out.

Chapter 2:

I wake up still screaming. I calm down long enough to change clothes and pack my bag for school, but I fall down the stairs on my way to the kitchen. This causes me to start screaming again.

"Why are you screaming Belline?" Robert asks cheerfully. I snapped my mouth shut with a snarl, and rushed past him out the front door without speaking. I hop on the rusty bicycle I used to ride as a child and hurry to school.

I arrive 3 hours late (I stopped at a gas station to buy some candy, because I didn't eat breakfast); it's already lunch time. Shrugging, I enter the cafeteria. Immediately, three bozos swarm me, nipping at my heels. The one to my left is male, he wears a pair of golden blonde dog ears atop his sandy brown hair, and a tanned leather collar around his neck.

"You must be Maybelline Fowl! Arff :P," He said.

"Did you just use my dead name?" I scowled, and he used his hand to put his tail between his legs. "It's Belline."

"Nice to meet you," said the girl next to him. She had huge human bazingas. They were wrapped in a white faux-fur tube top and strapless push up. White bunny ears adorned her bleach blond bimbo hair. "I'm Ashley, I'm the most popular girl in school, and you're my new best friend." A second girl, much taller than the first, said,

"Hi Belline, I'm Gabriela. What's your fursona?" She wasn't in costume, but just had a shirt on that said I Love Capybaras over a giant rat monster thing.

"It's a Marbled Polecat," I stated.

"A What?" Asked the bimbo, Ashley. I roll my eyes, these backwoods hicks really are fucking morons.

"Just look it up. I assume you know how to use a computer." The boy appears behind me and starts sniffing my butt.

"What the fuck, retard. Boundaries much?" I shout at him.

"Did you just fart in my face?" He asked, wrinkling his nose with delight.

"Josh, stand up," Ashley ordered. He shot up to her side and stood panting with his tongue out. "Well why don't you sit with us, Belline?" She asked. I looked around the cafeteria to assess my options and determined that it didn't fucking matter.

"Whatever," I say and follow them to a table. We sit down and everyone pulls out their lunches, but me. I still have candy. Just then, the cafeteria doors swung open, drawing everyone's attention. Through them walked a group of 5 hot topic models. The first boy, who had to duck as he came in, was the embodiment of a Ford F-150. His fur suit looked like it was made from a real bear. He wore an iced-out collar with a leash extended from it into the hands of the girl next to him. She was the spitting image of Pamela Anderson from Borat: Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Platinum blond, wearing a skin tight leopard-print bathing suit. It clung to her large spherical breasts for dear life, as her nipples threatened to puncture it at any moment.

The next boy was even taller than the first, but only because he was wearing platform cowboy boots. He wore a cowboy hat over his wavy piss-blonde hair. I flashbacked to Richard and cringed. Suddenly a girl darted through his legs, causing him to stumble. Although very light-skinned, she was clearly black. She had a dump truck ass, but was completely flat chested. I could tell because her Gir hoodie seemed a little empty. Her short hair was surprisingly straight and dyed orange and purple.

As I turned to look at the last boy, my favorite song, American Idiot by Green Day started playing in my head. His hair was the color of three-year-old pennies. He slouched in a black hoodie and wore mountain lion ears. He seemed really sad. Like, really really sad. Like, he probably cut himself between classes sad.

"That's Edgar Sullen, don't even try, you're too ugly for him," Ashley piped up from Ididn'tfuckingaskistan "Besides, their whole family is incest central." I could see why, they were all beautiful. The bear boy and the bimbo immediately began sucking face upon arriving at their lunch table. The cowboy and scene chick followed suit. That just left sad boy Edgar, who was...staring right at me! But before I could react, the period bell rang through the halls.

Chapter 3:

I walked into health class and went up to the teacher- {description}

"Yo, I'm the new student," I say.

"Whaddup, diggity dog," he replied sarcastically, "Take a seat." he said, gesturing to the two lone chairs in the whole classroom. Edgar was sitting in one of them. The other was empty. As I sat down, I saw Edgar's face turn from disinterest to cosmic horror.

"What's wrong, you look like you just shit your pants?" I questioned. He let out a nervous chuckle and quickly nodded his head. I figured he was just a freak and turned my attention to the front of the class. Two huge diagrams of the female and male reproductive systems covered the blackboard. The teacher stood in front of them, and struck the penis with his pointer rod.

"Today, we learn about intercourse!" Just then, a wave of horrific sewage stench hit me, immediately triggering my gag reflex, causing me to turn to the source and spew vomit all over Edgar. A brief silence followed. "Yeah, that's how my wife reacts whenever I bring up the subject," the teacher sighed. Edgar started crying pitifully.

"My bad," I said.

"Just go to the nurse's office," the teacher said. "Both of you." I shrugged and swung my bag over my shoulder. We began walking down the hall in silence, Edgar trailing somewhat behind me and shuffling his feet along in an awkward way.

"Sorry I puked on you," I finally said.

"Sorry I shit my pants," said Edgar.

"Happens to the best of us," I said.

"Please don't tell my family," he sniffled. "They're always so mean to me."

"I won't, promise." I could feel his gaze as he studied me quizzically.

"Thank you," he said, his voice shaking.

"Don't sweat it. By the way, I like your mountain lion ears."

"You know they're mountain lion ears?! Everyone just thinks they're lion ears…"

"Whatever," I said as I opened the door to the nurse's office.

Chapter 4:

Edgar got a change of clothes from the nurse. I told her I had the stomach flu, and that since some of my vomit got into Edgar's mouth, he had it too. She immediately dismissed us both. We walked to the parking lot, and I realized my bike was missing.

"FFUCKD!" I yelled.

"What's wrong?" Edgar asked.

"Some assholes stole my bike!"

"Let me give you a ride home," Edgar offered, as he opened the door to his 2003 Honda Odyssey Minivan.

"Dude, this van is sick, we should totally hot box it," I said, sliding the passenger bay door open. I sat down and pulled a joint from my jeans pocket. I looked up and saw Edgar holding two joints of his own.

"Nice," we said in unison. I stuck my hand in my front pocket and wiggled it around.

"Shit," I said. "I forgot my ligh-" Edgar snapped his fingers and the joint caught on fire. "hOw tHe fUCK did yoU do THAT?!" I shouted.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Edger said flatly. He began to sweat noticeably. It looked… sparkly.

"Are you some kind of vampire?" I asked.

"Belline, I don't think we should be friends." He reached over, opened the passenger door, and pushed me out of the car. I landed with a thud of the asphalt. The car door slammed shut and Edagar sped away. I was still at the school, with no ride.

"FUCK!" I screamed. I propped myself up and hobbled back to my house through the woods. At least I still had the joint.

Chapter 5:

The next day, Richard had to drop me off at school, but because I was embarrassed to be seen with him, I made him park two miles away. I was hella cold when I finally got there (since there had been a freeze overnight or whatever) and I started running across the slick parking lot. I saw several things at once: first, that Edgar was leaning against the wall of the school, hood over his head to hide his black tears (they were black from his mascara running); second, the 2001 honda civic being driven by a shriveled green muppet creature speeding towards me. Then I saw Edgar again, cartwheeling to my rescue.

"BELLINEEEEEE!" he cried as he scooped me up in his arms. He wheeled me to safety and set me down on the frozen grass. I heard the 2001 honda civic crash into some bitches car behind me.

"Are you alright?" Edgar asked.

"Am I trippin, or were you just moving super fast?" I countered.

"Belline I'll be honest with you, I'm gonna gaslight you again. My whole family are circus performers, that's why we're so glittery. I feel weirdly attracted to you, so I'm gonna start stalking you now." He got up and cartwheeled back to where he was standing before. I noticed his pants were super tight around his ass, no poop in sight.

I didn't have anything better to do, so I went to the bathroom to jack off. While I was there, I overheard Asheley and some other bitch talking.

"I'm so excited Josh invited me to go to LA PULL with him! ^_^"Ashley said and then farted.

"Umm, he invited me too, ya know. It's not like you're special or anything -_-" the other whore said. I wanted to listen to more of the conversation, but the fumes were getting overwhelming. I ducked out and went in search of Josh. I was feeling bored, so I decided to get myself invited to "La Pull," whatever that was.

Josh was not hard to find. He was deepthroating the water fountain outside the boy's locker room.

"Let me come to La Pull," I said. Josh looked up in surprise and made the owo face.

"La Pull?! You want to come?!" he arfed excited and manually wagged his tail.

"Don't cum your pants," I said.

"Too late for that," he replied uwu.

"What is it with guys and soiling their pants for me at this stupid garlic-stinking school?!"

"I'll pick you up on Saturday at five!" Josh said, getting on all fours and running off in a random direction.

"Wait! I didn't tell you my address!" I called after him.

"Oh, don't worry. We all already know where you live hee hee :3c"

Chapter 6:

Bruh. La Pull bruh bruh. I didn't realize La Pull was supposed to be a beach until half an hour into the trip. The fog over the ground was so thick, I thought that was just why my pant legs were soaked up to the shins. I had gotten separated from the squad of morons I came with and found myself stumbling through the fog for about half an hour. I was about to just lie down when a shirtless mormon wearing boots and waders manifested in front of me.

"Ho there!" He called out.

"What are you supposed to be?" I asked, as I scanned his totally jacked bod.

"The name's Richard Holzinger, but you can call me Dick. I'm out here trawling clams. You seem a bit lost."
"Do you know anything about the Sullens?" Dick blinked in surprise, but I just figured he might know something.

"Well there is this canned story I have ready whenever they come up in a random conversation…" he said, squinting his eyes.

"Lay it on me," I said, sitting down in the water.

"Ok, so like, Mormons are, um, descended from native americans (its native americans not indians we're not from India okay guys!) who were descended from these Israelites who left Israel for the new world, like, 500 years ago. Anyway, when they got to the new world, they were minding their own business, farming their favorite food, garlic, when all these freaking horny vampires showed up! Apparently garlic makes vampires super horny.

"The vampires wanted to have sex with the mormons, but all the mormons were already married and that would have been uper imoral! So they all prayed to Allah to protect them from the vampires. Since Allah loves us, his most sacred chosen people, he gave us the power to turn into wolves. And then we violently slaughtered the vampires." Dick took a breath.

"Okay, that's great but what does that have to do with the Sullens?"

"Um. I'm not actually sure. That's just what I'm supposed to tell you."

"Cool. You can leave now," I said, waving my hand dismissively.

"Don't you want me to help you find your friends?"

"Nah."

"It's going to get dark soon. The snakes come out."

"Like I give a fuck." I lay completely on the water and let my body be carried away.

Chapter 7:

I decided to do a little experiment at school the next day. I stuffed my bra and pussy fulla garlic. I also rubbed myself down in garlic butter and switched my foundation for garlic powder. Right as I sat down next to Edwin in health class, he shoved both his hands into his pants. His eyes rolled back into his head and he moaned, at least this loud {AHHHH!}. His pant legs started dripping cum onto the floor. It smelled… incredible. I couldn't believe how deliciously decadent it smelled. I leaned in to kiss him, but at the last moment he turned away and said,

"I will not defile your lips my love, for I am a… v. acuum cleaner salesman." I just looked at him like a fucking retard as he began to orgasm further. The teacher walked through the door and shot a glance at Edwin's pants. He just vomited, spun around a couple times and bonked his head on the door frame. All this time, the other students were not paying attention because they were looking at their phones. But the bonk alerted them, and then they all looked at Edwin's pants, got up, vomited, spun around a couple times, bashed their heads on the vomit covered desks, and collapsed to the floor.

"What the fuck!" I shouted. Edwin jumped to his feet, swept me into his arms, and vaulted through the second story windowpane. I began screaming.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked. He replied,

"It's time for the meadow scene, Belline."

Chapter 8:

He took me to a beautiful meadow. The most beautiful meadow I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of meadows, yuh know? So, you'd think I would know what kind of stuff makes a meadow beautiful, and that meadow, it had the stuff. So anyway, he placed me down by the dumpster and scuttled to the other wall in the alley. He started whimpering like a beaten dog. I squatted and pulled the garlic out of my pussy. It was starting to become uncomfortable. I let out a sigh.

"Are you okay, Edwin?" I asked. Edwin whipped his countenance toward me.

"My name is Edgar, Belline," Edwin said.
"Whatever, you're acting like a total psycho right now." I said. I took a bite of the garlic because I was starting to get hungry. It had been cooked by the heat of my 'easy bake oven', If you know what I mean.

"Belline, I can't hold it in any longer. I have to confess…I…am in love with you! Everything about you! That day we met…There's a reason I shit my pants. You were…simply…the most beautiful girl I've ever seen! And your fursona– so unique! Ever since then, I've just been feeling this connection between us. You understood that my ears were mountain lion ears…" He went on for a while longer, but I kinda blacked out for the rest of it. When I snapped back to reality (ope, there goes gravity), he was staring at me with a strained smile on his face.

"Oh. I thought you were finally going to confess you're a vampire," I said.

"Well…? What do you think?" He coughed. "About my confession."

"Oh. Umm. I'm not really into it." I shrugged. "Sorry bro."

"But…we smoked weed together…" Just then, a yellow Porsche 911 turbo convertible with its top down drifted around the corner and came to a screeching halt right in front of us. The driver side door opened and Willow stood up to wave.

"Hey, Belline!" she called. "Do you wanna hang out? :3c"

"Hell yeah," I said. I strutted over to the car, and hopped in the passenger seat. Willow handed me a spare pair of Jackie Ohh Ray-Bans stuffed in the sun visor (to match her own). I put them on, and we drove away.

Chapter 9:

Willow's driving was insaneo style. She went up a construction ramp, spinning the car twice before landing. I shit my pants; just a little bit. It was the hottest thing ever. I couldn't stop staring at Willow's tiny boobs that were swaying up and down as the car jostled violently. Just then, she turned and looked into my eyes.

"You smell really good, Belline. I love garlic," she said. I panicked, and blurted out,

"I love it too. That's why I stuffed it up my pussy."

"Mmm… I hope you're not gonna throw it out." She said, licking her lips and waggling her eyebrows. I was so turned on, but my curiosity grew by the second,

"Where are we going?" I asked. Just then, the car came to a halt.

"We're here." Willow got up lightning fast and came over to my side, opening the door. I gaped up at her in wonder. A bit of sunlight was coming in through the clouds and her skin started to sparkle…to glisten like millions of diamonds…it was almost…like a disco ball. "Hurry up, silly," Willow said, bending down to unbuckle me.

"Willow!" I gasped. She paused as she drew back so that our gazes met and our lips…were only a few centimeters away from meeting each other. "You're sparkling."

"Oh, I just sweat glitter in the sunlight," she said. My lips shivered as she spoke and her cool breath washed over them. If only…But too fast! She disappeared. She stepped back from the car and I stood up on shaky legs. I tripped as I tried to walk forward and fell face first into Willow's porcelain bosom. Her nipples were like thumbtacks, shredding into my cheekbones. I howled in delight.

The End.