Problems Chapter 62

The Final Chapter

This Was Only Ever Going to End One Way


The day started out the same as any other. Jaune woke up with a big yawn, feeling vaguely refreshed, only for it to immediately fade when he realized it was a Monday.

"Fuck…"

Well, there wasn't much he could really do about that. He let out another yawn, then climbed out of bed. A quick look around told him that Pyrrha and Ren were already gone, which was normal – Pyrrha was probably at the gym, and Ren was almost certainly doing… whatever it was that Ren did in the morning. Probably meditating, since his only chance to do it was in the morning before Nora woke up.

Speaking of Nora, she was here, too, though she appeared to be fast asleep. Again, this was normal – Nora tended to crash hard around midnight every night, once the sugar rush finally wore off. Generally, it ended with one of them having to carry her into bed. Once that happened, she was practically guaranteed to be out cold for at least eight hours. And since Jaune had unfortunately woken up about fifteen minutes before his alarm had gone off, it meant that Nora had about fifteen minutes left to go before she naturally woke up.

Nora was a lot like a dog, you see – her body was on a timer. She had internalized exactly what time pancakes were served every morning, to the point where her body just automatically woke up and got ready in preparation for her to be first in line to get them.

Predictably, that made daylight savings time an absolute bitch for the rest of them, since it meant Nora waking up an hour early, and the three of them having to inform her that there was still an hour to go before pancakes were served. You know, in case Jaune needed another reason to hate daylight savings time, aside from the fact that it was literally just the government stealing an hour of his sleep.

Jaune shook his head, pushing the thought away. Now wasn't the time to ruminate on things like that, not when he had to rinse off the stench of body odor, sweat, and… was that perfume? Tentatively, he sniffed under one of his armpits, furrowing his brow when he realized that it was, in fact, perfume.

"Smells Mistralian," he said aloud. "Huh. Wonder why…"

He shook his head again, then began making his way to the bathroom. He'd barely taken a step towards it when Nora suddenly catapulted awake, then sprinted out of bed to stand in front of him and block his way into the bathroom.

That was when two things made themselves abundantly clear. The first was that, against all odds, Nora had just defied her natural, hard-wired biology, which was probably a miracle of nature akin to humanity springing up from the dust in and of itself.

The second was that, for whatever reason, Nora had seemingly decided to sleep in just a pair of panties the night before.

Immediately, Jaune flushed red. He cleared his throat and averted his gaze. "Uh, Nora? Your, um, everything is showing…"

"Aw, don't be like that," Nora teased. "What's a bit of nudity between friends, Jaune? Hey, speaking of, were you about to take a shower?"

"Yes?"

"Great. What do you say that we save some water and shower together, hm? I'll wash your back and everything~"

Jaune tugged at the collar of his onesie, and prayed that he wasn't tenting too hard.

"Ooh," Nora said, casting her gaze down at his groin. "Seems like the rabbit has a big 'ol carrot waiting for me~"

So much for that. How embarrassing. Why, the only thing that could possibly be even more embarrassing would be if his other female teammate came barging through the door right now, but what were the odds of that happening?

"You know, you really ought to be wearing more than that," Jaune said tentatively, still not daring to look at her; he was a gentleman, you see. Just ignore the massive erection in his pants. But in his defense, Nora had no excuse to be that stacked. Apparently, all those pancakes really did go to the exact same place. "You'll catch a cold."

"Is that so?" Nora questioned. She stretched an arm out, leaning against the doorframe, and pushed her chest out towards him as she did so. Jaune couldn't help but let out a little squeak. "Well, maybe you should warm me up, Jaune. Wouldn't want me catching a cold, now, would we?"

"What is this?" Jaune asked. "I mean, I get that we're good friends and all, but this seems kind of extreme, Nora. Are you pranking me?"

Nora blinked. "What are you talking about, dude? Obviously, I'm trying to-"

The door suddenly came flying open, and Pyrrha stepped into the room, dressed in her exercise clothes and dripping with sweat. Jaune stared at her, his heart skipping a beat when he saw her. Pyrrha was his best friend, but come on, she was smoking, and even worse, it was like she didn't even know about it – those black yoga pants were way too tight; they accentuated her butt way too well, and showed off the musculature in her legs with ease. Her top was no better – her midriff was exposed, showing off those abs, and her shirt was about two sizes too small, which really helped accentuate her biceps, and good Gods, those biceps – most girls at Beacon could crush a watermelon with their thighs no problem, but Pyrrha could probably do it with just a single bicep.

And as if that wasn't enough, he could plainly tell that she wasn't wearing a bra, either. And it was cold in the dorm room.

You could probably cut glass with those things, Jaune couldn't help but note as he stared at her ample chest.

"What is this?" Pyrrha asked. "Jaune, why is Nora standing there dressed in just her panties?"

"I have no idea," Jaune insisted. "She just woke up like this and is trying to get into the shower with me."

"Oh, is that so?" Pyrrha shook her head. "Nora, you should know better than that. Jaune clearly isn't comfortable with what you're trying to do. We're all friends here, but have some boundaries, please."

"Thank you," Jaune said, heaving a sigh of relief. "If you'll excuse me, I'm just going to take my shower now."

"Great," Pyrrha said. "I'll be there in a minute."

Jaune froze. "...Come again?"

"I said I'll be there in a minute," Pyrrha said. "Just give me time to get out of these clothes-"

"No, I mean… why?" Janue asked. "Do you not think I'm capable of showering on my own? I mean, I know I'm kinda clumsy, but I've only ever slipped and fallen in the shower here twice. Sure, I hit my head on the toilet both of those times, but I've learned my lesson now – I'll definitely keep a tight grasp on that soap from now on."

"Not if I have anything to say about it…" Nora muttered, still staring at his crotch. Idly, Jaune wondered if this was how it felt to be a steak in a kennel full of starving pit bulls.

"Jaune, of course I think you're capable of showering on your own!" Pyrrha insisted. "It's just… well, clearly Nora has some sort of nefarious scheme she's cooking up. Wouldn't you feel so much safer if you had someone in there with you?"

"You know, you're right, actually," Jaune said.

Pyrrha gave him a soft smile. "Great! I'll just-"

"Someone go get Ren."

Instantly, Pyrrha's smile faded. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Go get Ren," Jaune repeated. "You're right, I'd feel a lot safer if I had someone in there with me, watching my back. And who better to do that than your best bro? I mean, he's not my best friend – that's obviously still you, Pyrrha – but Ren is my best bro."

"You'd really be comfortable with another guy in there with you?" Nora asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes?" Jaune asked. "There's nothing gay about two homies sharing a shower together, watching each other's backs and washing each other's backs. What next, are you going to say that two guys sharing a sauna or onsen is gay?"

"This is a little different than two guys sharing a sauna or onsen," Pyrrha pointed out.

"Whatever," Jaune said. He crossed his arms. "Either I'm going in completely alone or I'm going in with Ren. Your call."

Nora and Pyrrha both furrowed their brows. They exchanged a glance with each other, then for some reason, decided to huddle up and whisper among themselves. After a few seconds, they seemed to come to an agreement, and then turned back towards Jaune.

"Ren it is," Pyrrha declared.


"So, Jaune," Blake said. "I heard you and Ren shared a shower this morning."

"He was just watching my back, like a true homie," Jaune said. "You never know what dangers await you in the shower. Ain't nothing gay about it."

"It was kinda gay," Ren said. Jaune gave him a look out of the corner of his eye, but Ren didn't back down. "It was kinda gay, Jaune. Seriously."

"Alright, fine, it was kinda gay," Jaune conceded. "But we're two guys living together for four years, obviously we're gonna see each other naked from time to time. I consider this just getting a headstart on that, especially after how weird Pyrrha and Nora were acting this morning."

"Is that why they're not here right now?" Ruby asked, looking around. "Like, seriously, they're gone now, right? We don't have to be afraid of them?"

"Why would you ever be afraid of them?" Ren asked, confused. "Nora is mostly harmless, the worst she's going to do is get syrup in your hair or maybe accidentally hideously maim and cripple you through some of her shenanigans. Pyrrha, on the other hand, is basically the nicest girl in school. Why are you guys suddenly afraid of them?"

"Let's just say that we've all finally come to a conclusion about something," Weiss explained. "Or, rather, someone. If you catch my drift."

Ren's eyes narrowed. "Ah."

Without warning, he stood up and began to walk away. Jaune stared at him, surprised.

"Ren?" he asked. "Where're you going?"

"Alright, I just… I gotta leave," Ren said without looking back.

"What for?"

"There's a lot to see in this life, Jaune," Ren said, again without sparing even a single glance back. "I'm not wasting it here."

With that, Ren left the cafeteria. Jaune watched the double doors swing behind him, then turned back to his friends on Team RWBY.

"Well, that was certainly-"

The words had scarcely even left his mouth before he realized that some kind of change had fallen over Team RWBY. They were all now staring at him with some kind of vaguely predatory look in their eyes. Weiss and Ruby even seemed to be swooning, while Blake was blushing furiously, and Yang was licking her lips.

"You know, Jaune," Weiss began, "you've changed recently."

"I have?" Jaune asked.

"Oh, yes. I'm surprised it's taken me this long to notice it. I guess you could say you've… awakened something in me."

Yang shot Weiss a dirty look. "Back off, Weiss. He's mine."

"Yours?" Ruby asked. "I don't see your name on him."

"All of you shut the fuck up," Blake demanded. "You're all humans, and therefore owe me reparations for my race's suffering. I will be taking my reparations in the form of Jaune."

"I don't know if I want to be someone's reparations," Jaune offered. "What does that even mean?"

"It means you and me, in bed, going all ahegao together," Blake specified.

Jaune blinked. "...Ahegao? Is that some kind of anime thing? Sorry, Blake – I'm not into the weeb stuff like you and Ren are."

"Ha!" Weiss taunted. "Shut down. Take a seat, Blake – the women are talking here, not the girls."

"But Ruby is here," Blake pointed out.

"Yeah, and I'm still more of a woman than you, little girl," Ruby said proudly. "And I say that all of you should sit down before I start to get really, really mad."

"Oh no, Ruby's gonna get mad," Yang taunted. "What are you gonna do, Rubes? Slap us with your little baby hands?"

"I'll have you know that my hands are perfectly normal, much like my knees," Ruby insisted.

Jaune cleared his throat. "If you all don't mind, I'm just gonna go-"

"Sit your pretty ass down, Vomit Boy," Yang growled.

Jaune obliged, not wanting to anger the Yang, which was a lot like waking a dragon.

"And you think you're right for him," Weiss chastised. "You just scared him into compliance."

"He's into it," Yang said. "Tell her you're into it, Jaune."

"I'm-"

"Louder!"

"I'm into it!" Jaune shouted. "I love it when girls tell me what to do and boss me around! There, I said it! Please stop shouting at me!"

"I'm getting mixed signals, here," Blake said. "I think what he really wants is a submissive girl who can nonetheless also kick massive amounts of ass when the situation calls for it."

"So not you, then," Ruby told her. "Since you just run away from all your fights."

Blake bristled. "I beat up Torchwick!"

"With Sun's help," Ruby pointed out. "Meanwhile, I actually beat up Torchwick before I even made it into school. Step your game up, Blake."

"Hmph." Blake crossed her arms. "At least I know how to be a good, submissive girl. You're just a squeaky-voiced, annoying, hyperactive, hormonal teenager smitten by her first crush."

"Smitten?" Jaune echoed. "What are you talking about, Blake? Ruby and I are just friends."

"Ooh!" all three girls taunted, while Ruby went red-faced and grit her teeth in anger.

"Ruby just got friendzoned," Yang teased. She reached over to pat her little sister on the head. "It's okay, Rubes. Tell you what – I'll have pity on you. You can sit in the corner and watch me ride Jaune for all he's worth."

"Ride how?" Jaune asked, only for his question to go ignored, as usual.

"And then there were three," Weiss announced.

"I'm still in the running, dang it!" Ruby insisted. "I'm not out of it yet, just you watch!"

"Ruby, we've seen all we need to see from you," Blake said. "It's clear that Jaune only sees you as a friend."

"I mean, I see all of you as friends," Jaune pointed out. A heavy silence fell over the group, and he felt a chill go down his spine. "...What, was that not the right thing to say?"

That was a stupid question – he could tell just by looking at the four of them that he had just flipped a switch. Their predatory looks grew even more predatory, and were now downright dangerous. They looked so predatory that for a moment, Jaune couldn't help but think of himself as Dutch, and the rest of them as aliens from outer space come to hunt him for sport.

And that feeling only intensified when the four girls all exchanged glances with each other, and started hashing out an agreement.

"I'll get him first," Yang announced. "Then the rest of you can have a turn."

"What?!" Weiss protested. "Why should you get him first?!"

"Because I'm the one who's going to actually catch him."

"With what?" Blake asked. She shook her head. "Please. I've got my weapon right here."

"You're all out of it," Ruby growled. "I'm the fastest one here, there's no way he can outrun me."

"We don't need to outrun him if we use my semblance," Weiss argued. "We can just hold him down with it and then take turns."

"That's actually a good idea, Weiss," Yang complimented. "But I'm still getting first dibs."

"You are not!"

Jaune wasn't sure what was going on, but he felt that now was the perfect time to slip away. Carefully, slowly, so as to not make any noise or give any signs that he was there, he crept away from the table, moving as silently as he possibly could so the others couldn't see him or hear him. His efforts paid off – he managed to make it out of the cafeteria just as the catfight started in earnest. The last thing he saw was Blake letting out a hiss, then leaping onto Yang and sinking her teeth into Yang's shoulder.

"Phew…" Jaune said, pausing to wipe a bead of sweat off his forehead. "I'm glad I got out of there… what's going on with the girls in this school?"

"They're being a bunch of immature children, that's what."

The sudden voice took him by surprise, and he immediately spun around in shock, only to relax when he saw who it was.

"Oh… hi, Miss Goodwitch," he said, relieved. "Sorry – I didn't see you there."

"That's quite alright," she insisted, pushing her glasses up a bit. "And please, call me Glynda. All my friends and Ozpin call me Glynda."

"You have friends?" Jaune couldn't help but blurt out. Immediately, his eyes widened. "I-I mean…! You… think we're friends?"

Miss Goodwitch's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Come with me, Mister Arc."

She stepped in front of him, leading the way. Jaune bit back a curse, knowing his big mouth had just gotten him into real trouble this time. In his defense, today had been pretty weird all-around, so he figured it was natural that his impulse control had just gone completely out the window. It was just terrible luck that it had shit the bed in front of probably the absolute worst person in all of Beacon.

Jaune followed behind his teacher, though she didn't make it easy for him – she kept stopping out of nowhere, and he kept bumping into her backside, which… admittedly, wasn't the worst experience.

Oh, who was he kidding. Miss Goodwitch was smoking. Seriously, that pencil skirt, that blouse, and those fucking glasses should have been illegal. And her ass… sure, everyone liked to joke about Professor Goodwitch being hotter than hell in a pizza oven, but for real, you could bounce a quarter off that thing. And it wasn't like the rest of her was far behind, or anything like that – those pantyhose accentuated her legs like nobody's business, and that strict demeanor just did things to him. Even the little purple cape she wore was somehow incredibly cute, if only because it broke the monotony of the office lady attire.

It was just a shame that she was so much older than him, and his teacher. Otherwise he probably would have tried to go after her somehow, because who wouldn't? As it stood now, the most he did was crank it in the shower to thoughts of her naked.

"Here we are," Professor Goodwitch announced. For the first time, Jaune looked up from her ass, and noticed that they were at her office. Figuring she was going to give him a dressing-down and some kind of detention for his earlier remark, he stepped inside and took a seat in the chair across from her desk. Professor Goodwitch followed him inside, closing and locking the door behind her as she did so.

"Professor Goodwitch, I'm sorry," he began.

She took a seat in the desk across from him, giving him a disappointed look. "Jaune – can I call you Jaune? - what did I just tell you?"

Jaune blinked. "...Uh, yeah? I mean, that's my name, so… and what are you talking about?"

"I told you to call me Glynda," she said, her voice gentle. "Let's not beat around the bush, here. I want us to use our first names when we're together."

"Uh, alright," he said, confused. "Glynda, I'm really sorry about earlier. I don't know what came over me."

She waved him off. "It's quite alright, Jaune. I know you were just making a joke, and that you meant no offense."

"You do?"

"Of course I do. I appreciate a good joke as much as the next person."

"...You do?"

"Provided it's the right time and place," she said. "Now, then. Do you know why you're here?"

"Well, I thought I was here because you were going to punish me," he admitted.

"Oh, my. How bold of you," Glynda commented. "But if that's what you want-"

"No!" Jaune siad emphatically. He shook his head. "No, uh, forget I said anything! I definitely don't want that, especially if you weren't going to give it to me in the first place! Don't worry about it, please!"

For some reason, Glynda looked very disappointed to hear him say that. "Ah. Well, I suppose we should just move on, then."

"Move on to what?" Jaune asked. "Is something the matter?"

"Yes, I believe something is, in fact, the matter," Glynda insisted. "Jaune… I want your honest assessment on something."

"Uh, sure," he offered. "What is it?"

"What do you think of me?"

Jaune paused for a moment. "...I think you're a good teacher," he admitted. "You're professional, you're unbiased, and while you can be pretty harsh, I know you're only doing it so we don't get ourselves killed."

To his surprise, Glynda let out a small chuckle. "No, Jaune," she specified. "I meant, what do you think of me as a woman?"

"Oh," Jaune said. "Well, ah, you… remind me a lot of my mother, actually."

"Really?" she asked. She rested her arms on her desk and leaned forwards, giving him a view down her blouse. Jaune couldn't help but swallow nervously when he caught a hint of black lace. "How do I remind you of your mother, Jaune?"

"...You're tall like her," Jaune began, doing his best to avert his eyes from her ample chest, but good Gods, was it hard. "You're also blonde. And you've got that no-nonsense, take-no-shit attitude that she has. The only difference is that her hair is longer than yours, and her eyes are blue instead of green."

"Hm. Interesting," Glynda observed. "But that doesn't fully answer my question."

"It doesn't?"

She shook her head. "I'll be blunt with it: Do you think I'm an attractive woman, Jaune?"

Jaune stared at her, unsure of what to say. Part of him was worried if it'd be appropriate to even respond to that question – she was his teacher, after all – but with the look she was giving him… he could tell that she really wanted an answer.

Well, in that case, there was really only one answer he could give her.

"At the risk of earning detention for life, I have to say that you are actually one of the hottest women I've ever seen before in my life," he admitted. "Like, I actually don't know if you realize how attractive you really are. You are what every man dreams of – a blonde, mature teacher who dresses in perfectly-complimentary clothing all the time, with a professional demeanor that nonetheless conceals a hidden sweet side. The only thing keeping the guys at school from going after you is the fact that you're our teacher, that we're kind of scared of you, and that you are way, way out of our league."

Glynda blinked, surprised. "...Wow," she said. "You… really have a way with words, Jaune."

"...Glynda, are you crying?"

"N-no," Glynda insisted as she wiped at her eyes. "I just… have something in my eyes. That definitely wasn't one of the most beautiful, nicest things anyone's ever said to me, and it very much did not get me emotional."

"Uh, okay," Jaune said awkwardly. "So, was there something you wanted me for?"

"Yes, actually," Glynda said. "I'll just come right out and say it – I want you, Jaune."

"You want… me?" he echoed. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Glynda sighed tiredly, shaking her head. "Jaune, I swear. You're as dense as a bag of Nora's hammers. I suppose to have to do more than just say it, aren't I? I'm going to have to actually show you what I mean."

"Show me wha-"

That was as far as he got before Glynda stood up and literally tore her blouse off, freeing her black lace-clad breasts to the world. Jaune stared at them, wide-eyed, his brain short-circuiting.

"Do you understand now, Jaune?" Glynda breathed. She began to walk towards him, and he swallowed nervously. Glynda gave him a sultry grin. "Now, you just sit there – I'm going to do all the work~"

Now, Jaune Arc was many things, but naive was not one of them. He knew exactly what was going on here – exactly what this was. He watched television, after all, and would the TV ever lie to him? He thought not. So, when his incredibly hot, incredibly out-of-his-league teacher began to approach him with her boobs hanging out, he knew immediately what was going on.

"I know what this is," Jaune said, suspicious.

"Oh, good," Glynda said, heaving a sigh of relief. "For a moment there, I was afraid I'd have to give you The Talk. I'm glad to see that isn't the case."

"You're trying to blackmail me into sleeping with you so I won't get expelled!"

Glynda paused, staring at him in surprised disbelief. "...I'm sorry, what?"

Jaune nodded, absolutely sure of himself. "It just makes sense. I mean, a woman like you, coming onto a guy like me for no reason? Yeah, not in a million years. You've got some kind of hidden, ulterior motive, and in my case, that motive can only be that you're incredibly desperate for some cock, so you're going for someone who you think can be easily manipulated. Well, it won't work – I still have my dignity, and I'm not about to lose it to someone using me for a cheap fuck."

Glynda stared at him. "Okay, let me just stop you there," she said. "Not only does that make zero sense form the way you explained it, because if I wanted you that badly then why would I try to blackmail you instead of just approaching you like I'm doing now, but it's also wrong, because I genuinely do think you're an attractive young man with a sweet personality who-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Jaune said, waving her off. He looked around the room. "Where are the cameras? Is this being recorded?" His eyes narrowed. "Ah, hell – that's what this is, isn't it? I was obviously even more wrong than I thought – you're not even trying to sleep with me, you're just trying to entrap me by coming onto me, secretly filming it, and then you're going to get me expelled by taking the recording to Ozpin and showing him how I was trying to do inappropriate things to you."

"That's ridiculous," Glynda deadpanned. "Jaune, if I wanted you out of Beacon, it's well within my power to just expel you outright. There'd be no reason for any of that cloak-and-dagger stuff you seem convinced that I'm trying to pull. I assure you, the only thing I'm trying to do here is sleep with you."

"I'll believe that when I'm dead," Jaune challenged. He rose from his seat, stretching his arms out in the process. "Well? If you want this to happen so badly, you're gonna have to force it, because I'm not gonna come quietly."

"I'm not going to force myself on you!" Glynda shouted.

Suddenly, the door came flying open. Of all people, Coco and Velvet came sprinting in, weapons at the ready.

"Well, well," Coco announced, glaring at Glynda from behind her sunglasses. "Looks like we got here just in time, Vel."

"I'll say," Velvet agreed. "You heard her say she was going to force herself on him, yeah?"

"Oh, yes." Coco nodded. "Not to worry, Jaune – we're here to rescue you from the clutches of this witch. Your purity is safe with us."

"Oh, thank the Gods," Jaune said with a sigh of relief. "I was so worried that I was going to get blackmailed and then expelled."

Glynda bristled. "I told you, that's-"

"Quiet," Coco threatened. "Or I'll unleash a storm of lead on that bookshelf behind you. Your poorly-concealed erotica will never survive my assault. So, before you open your fat fucking mouth again, I'd think long and hard about what you're going to say next, hag."

Glynda grit her teeth, but apparently, the threat of losing her crudely-written porn was too much for her. She reluctantly quieted down. Coco nodded, then looked over to Velvet.

"Get him out of here, Vel."

"With pleasure," Velvet announced. She took Jaune by the shoulder and hurried him over to the door, all while Coco kept her covered, her minigun trained on Glynda. Once Jaune was out in the hallway, Coco slammed the door shut behind him, and the two of them began to pull him through the halls.

They didn't stop until they reached Team CFVY's dorm room. Velvet and Coco ushered him inside, then closed and locked the door behind him, and then moved a bookshelf in front of the door to barricade it.

"That was a close one," Jaune breathed, slumping against a nearby bed. "Seriously, thanks, you two. I almost had a big problem on my hands, there."

"Oh, it's no problem," Coco said. She gave him a smile. "Now then, about our reward-"

Jaune sighed tiredly. "Of course you want a reward for saving me. So, what'll it be? Lien? An afternoon of modeling for you? Maybe posing for Velvet a bit?"

"Tempting, but no," Coco told him. "I was thinking something more like… mm… a kiss, for both of us."

"Seriously?" Jaune deadpanned. "What are you, my sister? Alright, if you insist – I figure it's the least I can do to thank you two for saving me from getting expelled."

For some reason, Coco and Velvet actually squee'd with sheer glee. The two of them rushed over to him and puckered their lips. Jaune stared at them, confused as to why they seemed to want a kiss on the lips, because seriously, why would anyone want that with him? It made no sense. So instead, he leaned in and gave them both a quick peck on the cheek, then pulled away.

For some reason, Coco and Velvet didn't seem happy with that. In fact, they seemed very disappointed with it.

"That's it?" Velvet asked.

"What do you mean, that's it?" Jaune replied. "You asked for a kiss. You didn't say where. I just assumed that meant you wanted it on the cheek."

"Come on, dude," Coco said with a sigh. "Give us another one, on the lips this time."

"Fuck no," Jaune said emphatically. "Seriously, I know what you're trying to pull, Coco. I'll admit, it's funny, and all, but I'm not eight years old anymore. I can recognize when I'm being pranked."

"What are you talking about?" Coco demanded. "I'm asking you to kiss me, bro."

"Yeah, I've never heard that one before." Jaune rolled his eyes. "Seriously, grow up, you two."

He went to move towards the door, but Coco and Velvet blocked the way, glaring at him. They exchanged a brief look with each other.

"Hey, Vel?" Coco asked.

"Yes, Coco?" Velvet answered.

"I think we're going to have to rush things, here, because Jaune doesn't quite seem to understand what's happening."

"You mean-"

"Oh, yes. Hold him for me. I'll get the rope. We'll make this a night to remember, one way or another. We deserve it after saving him, after all."
That was all Jaune needed to hear. He instantly began to try and push through the two of them, but it was no use – they held him back from the door, albeit with great difficulty.

"You've gotta be kidding me!" Jaune shouted. "Now you two are pretending to white knight for me! Are you out of your fucking minds?!"

"We're not pretending shit, bro!" Coco insisted. "Just get on the bed, already! It'll be fun, I swear!"

"Fuck, no! You probably want to tie me down and use me as a test subject for makeup, or whatever!"

"The rope is for me, not you!" Velvet explained. "I'm a very kinky girl!"

"The fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"The fuck do you think it's supposed to mean?!"

Jaune continued to struggle, almost managing to break through at points, but ultimately, it was no use – Velvet and Coco together were just too strong. After a brief back-and-forth, they finally managed to overpower him and force him onto the bed. The two girls stared down at him, breathing heavily, with sultry looks in their eyes, and Jaune thought that was it – they were going to tie him down and put makeup on him and take pictures of it and everything, and it was going to absolutely kill his reputation at Beacon.

Or so he thought, until a glint of sunlight on the roof of a nearby building caught his attention. Jaune turned to look through the window, and was unprepared for a gunshot to come racing through the air. The bullet impacted against Coco, and the Gravity Dust inside the round sent her and Velvet flying backwards. They collided against the back wall and sank down to the floor, dazed. Seeing his chance, Jaune jumped to his feet and looked around for an exit, but didn't find one.

"Hey, dude!" someone called from outside the window, of all places. "Hop on!"

Jaune cast a glance outside the window, and to his surprise, there was a green-haired girl on a hoverboard floating there – he recognized her as Reese Chloris, one of the students here for the tournament. He didn't know her that well, but between her and the two crazy girls who were no doubt trying to force-crossdress him or something, he was willing to take his chances.

Jaune sprinted for the window and leaped out of it, grabbing hold of Reese's outstretched hand. Reese grabbed him, and with a grunt, helped him onto her hoverboard. She took off just as Coco and Velvet managed to recover and run to the window. The two of them stared despondently as Reese took off. Reese, for her part, looked back to flash them both a grin, plus a V-for-victory sign.

"Sayonara, bitches!" Reese called as her board tore through Beacon's airspace.

Jaune held on for dear life as Reese took him Gods-only-knew where. In that moment, he was thankful that his airsickness wasn't a problem anymore, because with the way Reese was moving, if this was just a few months ago, he would've vomited all over her and her board.

Thankfully, the ride was mercifully short – Reese brought him over to a different dorm and stopped outside the window, then handed him off to another girl, who Jaune recognized as Arslan. The big woman helped him outside, though he felt like she was a bit too pushy and came extremely close to pressing his head against her breasts as she did so. Still, he was inside soon enough, and Arslan gently placed him down on the nearest bed so he could catch his breath.

"Thanks," Jaune breathed.

"No problem, dude," Reese commented. She entered through the window, grabbing her hoverboard and leaning it against a nearby wall, then taking a seat next to Arslan on the bed opposite of him. She looked around. "Arlsan, where's May?"

"She's coming," Arslan said. "She should be here in three… two… one…"

Right on cue, the bedroom door came swinging open, and May stepped in, her rifle held in a low ready position. Once she was inside, she shut the door behind her, then dropped her rifle onto her bed.

"How'd it go?" she asked. "Did you two get him in time?"

"Of course we did," Reese stated. "He's still in one piece, isn't he? I say we did fine."

"You did," Jaune confirmed. "Seriously, I can't thank you three enough. You all saved me from a lifetime of embarrassment."

"It's nothing," Arslan stated. "Now then, what were you planning to do now, Jaune?"

"I have no idea," Jaune said, shaking his head. "Everyone's just so weird today. I mean this in the least offensive way possible, but is it just that time of the month for you all? I mean, I've heard that girls often synchronize their cycles-"

"It's nothing like that, dude," Reese told him. "I think everyone's just simultaneously realized a few things about you that haven't really been quite clear until now."

"What, that I'm really easy to bully?" Jaune asked.

"Not quite," May said tentatively. "Look, we're getting off track, here. You seem stressed, Jaune. We ought to just hang out and do something fun, just the four of us."

Instantly, Jaune brightened up. "Hey, that's a great idea! I could go for some good stress relief after how crazy today's been."

"What should we do, then?" Arslan asked. "I must admit that I'm not particularly familiar with guy activities."

"That's why you've got me," Reese boasted proudly. "I'm pretty much one of the guys, only I've got tits. That makes me uniquely qualified to determine exactly what guy things we're going to do."

"This isn't going to be an adrenaline junkie thing, right?" Jaune asked, worried. "I mean, not that I dislike you or your tendencies, Reese, but I think I really need something more subdued right now, if you catch my drift."

"No sweat, man," Reese said with a nod. "I've got just the thing in mind."


"Alright, I'll be the first to say it," Jaune ventured. "I'm not sure how much of a guy activity this is."

Currently, the four of them were sitting on the floor in a circle, their legs crossed. Jaune couldn't help but notice that he was the only one with his back pressed up against a wall; the others had plenty of room to maneuver.

What that was supposed to mean, he couldn't quite figure out. After all, how likely was it that these four were just as crazy as the others had been? So far, they seemed pretty stable.

"Jaune, trust me," Reese implored. "I've been to a bunch of parties. This is a mainstay of all of them."

"No offense, but this isn't really a party," Jaune pointed out. "There's only four of us, and we're not even drinking."

"A party isn't how many people or there or how much booze is being served, it's a state of mind," Reese insisted. "And right now, my state of mind is saying that we should be partying it up. So we're playing this game, and that's final."

Well, he couldn't exactly argue with that. Plus, as dumb as the game seemed to him, it was better than sitting around and doing nothing.

"May's up first," Reese declared. "May, truth or dare?"

"Truth," May answered.

"What type of guy do you like?"

"Ooh, good question," May said. "Hm… to tell you the truth, I like blonde boys with blue eyes who are also enormous dorks."

"Oh, I know someone like that!" Jaune couldn't help but speak up. "You should look for a monkey Faunus named Sun. He's a great guy – you two would make a good couple."

He beamed, proud of himself for helping out two of his friends. For some reason, May just seemed really disappointed.

"O-kay," Reese said awkwardly. She turned to Arslan. "Ask me."

"Truth or dare?" Arslan questioned.

"Dare."

"I dare you give us your best impression of your O-face."

"Ha! Easy," Reese said. She cleared her throat, then opened her mouth wide, rolled her eyes back, and held up a double-V. She held that expression for a few seconds, then looked over to Jaune, proud of herself. "What'd you think of that, Jaune?"

Jaune blinked. "...I'm sorry, that was just too ridiculous for me to take seriously," he commented. "Do people really look like that when they… well, you know."

"I don't know," Reese answered. "Why don't you show us what your O-face looks like, Jaune? We'll compare and contrast."

"I'm fine, thanks," Jaune said.

"What if I dared you to do it?"

"Then I'd pick truth."

Reese pouted, but thankfully didn't dwell on it. Instead, she looked over to Arslan. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare," Arslan selected without a moment's hesitation.

"I dare you to take your top off."

"Wait, what?!" Jaune said, surprised. "Is that really an appropriate thing to ask?!"

"It's truth or dare," Reese insisted. "Anything goes so long as it's not too out-there."

"She's right," Arslan agreed. "Hang on, give me a moment to get this off."

"Arslan, you really don't have to if you don't want to," Jaune told her.

But it was too late. Arslan had already removed her top, though thankfully she was wearing a sports bra underneath. Still, his relief only lasted for a second when he saw what she was hiding – Arslan was ripped. Her physique easily rivaled Yang's, and that was saying a lot considering how Yang basically lived in the gym. Jaune caught himself staring at Arslan's abs and swallowed nervously, then forced himself to look away.

"And that's that," Reese said smugly. "Your turn, Jaune. Truth or dare."

"After that? I'm picking truth," Jaune said.

"Okay." Reese's grin grew, and he knew then and there that he'd made a mistake. "How big is your dick?"

Jaune stared at her for a moment before his face flushed red. "U-uh… I can't tell you that!"

"What, you mean you don't know?" May asked.

"We'd accept an estimate," Arslan ventured.

"It's not about that! That's not something you talk about with people, especially not with girls!"

"Come on, Jaune," Reese insisted. "We're all friends here, aren't we? This is just a friendly game of truth or dare."

"There's nothing friendly about my dick!" Jaune protested. He crossed his arms. "Ask me something else, I'm not answering that one."

"You have to, otherwise you lose the game," Reese explained.

"Okay, then I lose," Jaune said. "There. Can we drop this line of questioning, now? It's indecent."

The girls all exchanged a glance with each other, and somehow, Jaune knew he'd made a horrible mistake coming here with Reese.

"He's violated the sanctity of truth or dare," May said solemnly.

"That he has," Reese confirmed with a nod. "Unfortunately, we're going to have to do something about that."

"What did you have in mind?" Arslan asked.

"It's simple, really – since Jaune won't tell us what he's packing in his jeans, we're going to have to figure it out for ourselves."

Instantly, Jaune was on his feet. Unfortunately, so were the other three.

And they were closing in on him, licking their lips as they did so.

"We'll make it fair for you," May offered. "If you show us yours, we'll show you ours."

"I don't want to see it!" Jaune shouted.

"Why not?" Arslan asked, disappointed. "Do you not think we're pretty?"

"You're all very pretty, but this is too much!"

"Come on, Jaune," Reese insisted. "Just one look, and then you'll get to see the three of us naked. We might even put on a little show for you, hm? That'd be fun, don't you think? Seeing the three of us pretty girls, rubbing our naked bodies against each other, all for you?"

Desperate, Jaune did the only thing he could think of.

"Help, help!" he cried out. "I need an adult!"

But none came. Reese's hand closed around his belt buckle, and for a moment, he thought that was the end.

But then, out of nowhere, the door came flying open, an enormous icicle blasting it off its hinges. The three girls in front of him were taken by surprise, and were utterly unprepared to be caught within several familiar-looking glyphs, then thrown out the nearby window. Jaune breathed a sigh of relief, then turned to look for his savior.

"Thanks, Weiss-"

He paused the instant he laid eyes on her. She certainly looked a lot like Weiss, but this was very much not Weiss.

"Not quite," the woman said.

Jaune stared at her. "...I'm sorry, who are you? I don't think we've met."

"We haven't, but I know of you, Jaune Arc." She stuck out her hand. "I'm Winter Schnee. Live with me if you want to cum."

Jaune took her hand. "Sorry, but you got the quote wrong," he said with a smile. "The quote is 'come with me if you want to live'."

"Quote?"

"Uh, yeah, the quote? The one you just referenced? It's from a famous movie."

"Ah. I don't watch movies."

"Then how did you-"

"It's of no consequence," Winter hurriedly declared. "Come, come. We must leave this place with haste, before they come back."

"Uh, right," Jaune agreed.

Winter took him by the hand and started running, leading him to parts unknown.


"Who is this, friend-Winter?"

"This is Jaune Arc, Penny," Winter said as Jaune stepped into the airship.

"Ooh!" Penny said excitedly. "Is he a new friend?"

"Of sorts," Winter answered.

Jaune, for his part, was too busy looking around the airship to pay much attention to what was being said. He'd seen Atlas' ships from the ground, of course, but he never imagined he'd actually get to be in one like this.

"Wow…" he breathed. "This is where you two are staying?"

"Affirmative," Winter confirmed. "The two of us, plus the rest of Atlas' forces, will be staying on this ship for the duration of the tournament. We could get our own rooms at Beacon, but doing it this way makes the logistics side of things much easier."

"Geez, you guys sure are efficient," Jaune said.

"Indeed, we are. You could say that we Atlesians are exceedingly good at knowing exactly what we need, and what needs to be done to get it."

"Yeah, for sure," Jaune said. His eyes landed on Penny, and he extended a hand in greeting. "Hey there, I'm Jaune Arc. You're one of Ruby's friends, aren't you? Nice to meet you."

For some reason, Penny just stared at his outstretched hand for a few seconds before turning to Winter.

"Friend-Winter, what is this new sensation I'm feeling?" she asked. "It's like… it's like butterflies in my chest. It feels like I'm walking on air. I've never felt this way before – the closest thing I can think of is when my father first let me try chocolate."

"Worry not, Penny," Winter assured her. "Believe me, those feelings are perfectly natural when dealing with someone like Jaune Arc."

Jaune's smile faltered. Sure, Winter and Penny seemed alright so far… but then again, so had basically everyone else today. He really hoped that the other shoe wasn't going to drop any time soon, because he was steadily running out of sanity.

"So," Jaune began. "Why did you bring me here, anyway? Aside from the fact that this is probably the safest place I can possibly be right now. I'm assuming that you wanted me for something in particular?"

"Actually, yes," Winter said with a nod. "I was hoping that, as thanks for paying me back, you could do something for me."

Oh, here we go, Jaune thought to himself.

"...Uh, okay," he said aloud. "What did you have in mind? Something safe for work, right?"

"Of course," Winter replied. "You see, Penny and I have been tasked with cleaning the airship in the General's absence. As you can imagine, this is a tremendously tedious and time-consuming undertaking. However, it would certainly go a lot faster with another set of hands there to assist us."

"Oh, that's all?" Jaune asked, surprised. "Phew. For a second there, I was worried that this was going to be some kind of absolutely crazy request that involved me doing something incredibly embarrassing. Happy to see that isn't the case."

"Of course it's not," Winter chastised. "Now, stay here while I go get your maid outfit."

And there it was.

Jaune sighed tiredly. "Right," he said. "Of course it would involve something like that. Why wouldn't it? It's not like everything else hasn't been absolutely turbo-fucked from the instant I woke up."

"Please do not use profanity," Penny gently chastised, never losing her smile. "Such a thing is unbecoming of a maid."

"I'm not your maid," Jaune deadpanned.

"Please do not shirk your duties. Such a thing is unbecoming of-"

"Yeah, yeah," Jaune said, rolling his eyes. "Look, I'll make this perfectly clear – whatever really fucked-up thing you've got in mind that involves this maid outfit, I'm not going for it, because it sounds like it'd be stupid and incredibly embarrassing. So let's just skip to the part where you're inches away from forcing me into it, only for me to be saved at the last minute by a swarm of other girls who will no doubt do the exact same thing to me."

Winter blinked. "...You've done this that many times, then?"

Jaune sighed, lowering his head in a despondent nod. "It's getting late," he announced.

"It's not even noon," Penny said happily.

"I know, but it feels like I've been on an all-night bender. Then again, maybe that's not far from the truth – at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if I found out someone climbed into bed with me and took pictures of my junk while I slept, then posted them online. And yes, that feels as weird to say as you think it does. I have no idea why people are suddenly obsessed with a nobody like me, but whatever." He stretched his arms out. "Let's get this shit over with."

Winter and Penny exchanged glances, then both took a step towards him.

And just as Jaune had predicted, the side of the airship suddenly exploded, and three women dressed in Haven uniforms leaped in, putting themselves between Jaune and his two would-be assailants.

"Looks like we're just in time," one of the girls – Jaune recognized her as Emerald – said.

"Actually, you're a few seconds late," Jaune announced. "A bit longer and I would have been turned into a femboy, or whatever Penny and Winter were trying to do."

"I am not sure what this 'femboy' thing is, but it sounds attractive," Penny said animatedly. "I will mark it in my files for further review in private, once my nerve-stim has been properly calibrated."

"Yeah, whatever." Jaune turned towards the tall black-haired girl. "Are you the leader?"

"I am," she confirmed, sounding uncertain at being addressed so openly. "I'm Cinder Fall."

"I don't care," Jaune said, bored. "Just get me out of here."

"As you wish," Cinder said. "Emerald, put the illusions to them, medium style."

"With pleasure," Emerald announced.

A second passed, and then Penny and Winter were on the ground, screaming at the top of their lungs. Jaune had to admit that the two of them weren't his favorite people in the world, but even this seemed a little over-the-top.

"Geez," he breathed. "What the fuck did you do to them? That looks horrible."

"Oh, my semblance lets me make people see illusions," Emerald said. "So I made them think they're stuck in a room that's playing nothing but Leddit meme compilation videos on max volume."

"It burns, it burns!" Penny screamed. "The cringe is too much, it's existential! For the love of the Gods, someone hit me with an EMP and put me out of my misery!"

"O-kay," Jaune said, thoroughly unnerved. "Just get me out of here, would you?"

That was all Cinder needed to hear. She pulled Jaune into a princess carry, which he had to admit was super embarrassing but was better than being turned into a femboy, then jumped out of the airship. Jaune screamed at the top of his lungs as he fell, but thankfully Cinder and the others had come prepared with parachutes, and in moments, the three of them were lazily floating down to the top of one of Beacon's many roofs.

Naturally, this begged the question of how the three of them had gotten up to the airship in the first place, but at this point he really didn't care, because the answer was probably monumentally stupid. Everything else had been so far, and somehow he didn't think this would be any exception.

Their descent was thankfully short-lived, and they all came to a rest on a rooftop. The three of them removed their parachutes, and Jaune climbed out of Cinder's arms, landing on his feet and standing in front of the three of them as they all eyed him menacingly.

"Alright, I already know what to expect from this," Jaune announced. "So what'll it be? You gonna do something incredibly embarrassing and stupid to me? Maybe make me take the gay porn Viagra boner challenge, or something? I'll just let you know right now that it's not nearly as effective with just one guy doing it, even though it would be incredibly embarrassing if you got me on camera."

"No, we're just going to femdom you," Cinder announced.

"Oh. Well, why didn't you say so? That could've saved me from having to bring up gay porn. Not that there's anything wrong with gay porn, per se, it's just that I'm not gay. Sure, I showered with my best friend this morning, but those were extenuating circumstances. At best I'm only kinda prison gay, because yeah, that was gay as shit, but at least I didn't drop the soap, and-"

"Cinder, when do we dom him?" Emerald asked. "Because Neo's looking pretty insatiable right now."

Jaune looked over to the short ice cream girl. Sure enough, she was silently panting with her tongue out, like a completely mute puppy who had just smelled chorizo for the first time.

Weird comparison, I know, but I've made comparisons with dogs and various meats like steak and bacon enough times in this fic already, so I figured I needed a new meat for this one and decided to go somewhat exotic with it.

Anyway, Jaune knew danger when he saw it, so he knew exactly what was going to happen when the three of them began to close in on him. Faced with no other options, Jaune did the only thing he could do.

He jumped.

"Between death and thottery, I choose oblivion!" he announced before swan-diving off the roof.

He fully expected to hit the ground head-first, but today being what it was, that obviously didn't happen. Instead, a portal opened up, and a red-clad adult woman followed by a shorter girl with a shaved head came flying out. The red-clad woman caught him before he could hit the ground, then came skidding to a stop and gave him a wide grin.

"How nice of you to drop in," she said.

"Fuck, you're Yang's mom, Raven!" Jaune exclaimed.

Raven blinked. "...Uh, yeah. How'd you know? Is it because I look just like her, only with black hair and red eyes?"

"No, it's because only someone who's blood related to Yang could make a pun that fucking horrible and still think they were being smooth," Jaune explained.

"Now, are you and your balding friend going to try something sexual with me, or am I finally going to get a reprieve today?"

The other woman bristled. "I'm not balding! I just have very short hair! And as you'll find, the carpet matches the drapes!"

"I'm good, thanks," Jaune said. He cleared his throat. "Help, help! I, Jaune Arc, am about to be violated against my will and have my virginity taken by two mega-thots!"

Jaune had figured that the universe would answer his call for help, but he never expected it to come in the form of another portal opening, though this one was a sickly inky black compared to the swirling red that Raven's portal had been. And out of that portal came an abomination in the shape of a woman. She had pale white skin pockmarked with black veins, and the eyes of a Grimm. All told, she was the most terrifying creature Jaune had ever seen of his life, second only to Miss Goodwitch during her time of the month.

The Grimm woman took one look around, her gaze landing on Raven and Raven's balding friend. Her eyes narrowed, and with a wave of her hand, Raven and the other girl were sent flying back into a nearby building, crashing through the brick walls with ease. Jaune stared, rooted to his spot in fear, as the woman began to walk towards him.

"You are Jaune Arc, yes?" she asked.

He swallowed nervously. "I am, ma'am."

"Oh, don't be like that," she chastised. "You don't need to call me ma'am. You can call me Salem. Does that sound good?"

"You know, that's generous and all, but my mom specifically warned me about listening to Grimm ladies," Jaune said meekly. "So I think I'm just going to take my leave, if you don't mind."

He turned and began to walk away, but a tendril suddenly lashed out and wrapped around his waist, then dragged him back towards Salem. He landed with his face in between her cleavage, and she wrapped her arms around him.

"Shh," she whispered. "I will keep you safe, Jaune. You just have to do what I say, when I say, and in return, I'll be yours forever. And don't even think about trying to escape – there's not a person on this world who can hope to stand against me."

Unfortunately for Salem, the universe seemed to take that as a challenge. In an instant, stormclouds gathered overhead. Lightning began to flash across the sky, and thunder rumbled directly over them. Jaune managed to peer out from between Salem's breasts, and to his amazement, portals were opening all across the sky, dumping people all around Beacon's grounds. For some reason, they were all girls, and crazily enough, they were mostly all familiar to him – he saw a few that looked like color swaps of Team RWBY, plus another version of Ruby with wolf ears who looked like she hadn't slept in years. There even appeared to be girl versions of all his male friends and acquaintances – he saw girl Sun, and Neptune, and Taiyang, and Qrow, and Roman Torchwcik, and Ironwood… all of them were there. He even saw someone who looked suspiciously like Summer Rose, though for some reason she looked like a rotten corpse despite the fact that she was still moving. Hell, he even saw someone who was unmistakably himself, but as a girl, and he had to admit that she was pretty cute. About the only people he couldn't place at all were several girls who looked like monster girl versions of Grimm, even more than Salem did, plus two glowing figures – one yellow, the other purple – who were clearly female, though they didn't have faces for whatever reason.

All the other women suddenly closed in on Salem, weapons drawn and miscellaneous powers at the ready. And for the first time, Salem looked unnerved. The implication was clear – she could either unhand Jaune, or else.

Wisely, she chose to unhand him. Jaune landed ass-first on the ground and scrambled away, only to bump into someone behind him. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw who it was.

"Oh, it's just you, Mom," he said. "Thank the Gods you're here to save me from this horde of horny women."

"Not exactly," Mama Arc announced.

Jaune's face fell. Steadily, he took a few steps back from his mother and looked around, confused.

"...You can't be serious," he began. "You're all here from across the reaches of space and time, for me?"

"Yup," one of the Grimm girls – the one who looked kind of like a Beowolf – confirmed. "We all broke through the boundaries of reality just for you, Jaune."

"We didn't do that, but we're here for you all the same," Ruby – his Ruby – added, as she joined the crowd along with all the other women of Beacon.

"But why?" Jaune asked. "What did I ever do to earn a harem like this?"

"You're nice," said the zombie who looked shockingly similar to how Summer Rose had been described to him. The others all nodded in agreement.

"Why is that such a big deal?" Jaune wondered. "Being nice ought to be the default. Tons of guys are nice. Hell, Ren is nice – where's his harem? Why does it have to be me?"

"This is a harem fan fiction, everyone knows only the designated audience self-insert is a nice guy, everyone else is varying degrees of asshole," Nora explained.

"Plus, the instant you start attaching more qualifiers to earning a harem aside from 'Is a nice guy', you alienate the desperate people who are trying to self-insert, since that's the only quality they have."

"Damn, Nora's bringing the heat tonight," Yang said with a whistle.

Nora shrugged. "It's true, though."

"But why me?" Jaune asked, growing increasingly desperate to understand.

"Don't question it," Pyrrha urged. "Just enjoy the harem."

"How am I supposed to enjoy a harem this big?! You all realize I've only got so much sperm inside me, right? I can maybe go for two or three rounds in a night before I'm totally spent."

"Stop trying to inject a dose of realism in this shitty harem story," Blake chastised. "Nobody reads these things for realism, they read them for wish fulfillment. So hurry up and fulfill everyone's wishes by drowning in pussy, Jaune."

Jaune stared at her for a moment, before he considered his odds – it was him against basically every woman he'd ever talked to, up to and including alternate versions of his mother and his older sister. If they wanted him, they were going to have him. At this point, his only options were just accepting it and trying to cope or taking some .45 caliber Aspirin to spare himself the agony of shooting blanks night after night.

Unfortunately, there were no .45s lying around, so that left him with just one option.

"...Okay," Jaune ventured. "If we're doing this, we're going to need to set some boundaries-"

"Fuck that," Yang declared. "I've got his dick first, the rest of you sluts can fucking watch me."

Naturally, this caused a veritable landslide of tits and ass that ended with Jaune being buried at the bottom, gasping for air. As he suffocated under the weight of all the pussy in the universe, Ren – the male Ren – walked up to him and sighed, then shook his head.

"Should've stayed prison gay, buddy," he commented.

That was the last thing Jaune heard before he blacked out under the collective weight of every harem reader's shitty sexual fantasy.


And there it is. The final chapter to end the fic. Before someone brings it up – no, I didn't give everyone a little bit, because honestly, I was struggling even with what's currently on here. It was getting monotonous for me to write, and if that's the case for me when I'm writing it, I know it'll be the case for all of you when you're reading it. So I made an executive decision to just stick to some of the fan favorites and try to do as many of them as possible before it started to get too samey. And I did my best to make sure everyone showed up in the crowd at the end, because if I can't give them their own bit, I can at least make it clear that they're all there for the big harem finish.

In any case, that's it. That's the end of the fic. It feels surreal to say it, honestly – I didn't think I'd make it this far. I legitimately thought this stupid thing was going to end in twenty chapters or so, assuming the RWBY fandom didn't tell me to fuck off with the first few chapters. Yet here we are, three years and over a half-million words later. This entire shitpost has completely spiraled out of control, and I love it. And I owe it all to you guys for supporting me. Thank you all so much, you have no idea how much it means. I appreciate every single one of you, whether you're just a reader or whether you're one of the many people who've seen fit to drop a review on damn near every single chapter. You all made coming back to this thing week after week totally worth it.

Now then, there's another thing I have to discuss: Where do we go from here? Obviously, I'm not calling it quits in the RWBY fandom any time soon, so that's off the table. I've got plenty of projects in the works for this fandom at the moment, including more crack. For now, I think I'm going to focus my efforts on something a bit more serious, though – the crack will come, don't worry about that, but I need some time to work on it, and while I do that, I'm going to work on honing my skills at serious work for a bit.

The next project is going to be a short little eight-chapter story featuring a Jaune/Trifa pairing. It'll be my first foray into real romance, so I imagine it'll be more than a little rough around the edges, but I've gotta start somewhere, right? Anyway, look for chapter one on that thing in two weeks if you're interested. If not, well, I hope you'll find another story you are interested in, and I sincerely hope you'll check out some of my other future works if any of them strike your fancy.
Before I sign off, another thank-you to everyone. To all the readers, and the guest reviewers, and the people who have made it a point to review almost every chapter, and especially to the people who have been chatting with me through PMs and the like: From the bottom of my heart, thank you all so much for supporting this high-effort shitpost. It means more than you might think.

Now, with that all said, this is Obsequium Minaris, signing off on Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls for the sixty-second and final time. I hope you all have a good day, and I hope you'll give my upcoming Jaune/Trifa story a chance if you're interested in it. And if you're not… well, I hope you'll check out any future crackfics I write, because believe me, I will be writing more crack at some point.
Until next time, take care and stay safe out there, everyone.

- Minaris

Final update; story is now complete.

Next story will be posted Saturday, June 18.