Chapter 18

WARNING- THIS STORY CONTAINS MATURE THEMES SUCH AS SELF HARM AND ABUSE, PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THIS MAY UPSET OR TRIGGER YOU IN AN WAY

I have suffered with self harming before not long ago, and please if you or any of your friends/family are going through it, get help and just remember it DOES get better and you're not alone. I'm always here if you need any help I'll understand xx

Disclaimer- I do not own 'Twilight' or any of the other books written by Stephanie Meyer. All characters mentioned in this fanfic belong to the wonderful author and not me (although I wish Jacob aka Taylor Lautner belonged to me )

Bella's POV

The meeting with Jake and Edward had actually gone surprisingly well, to my relief. Jacob had seemed glad that I felt the same way about him, and Edward had reacted better than I thought he would. Aside from the expected shock, he had been alright with it and had even said he'd wait for me to make my decision, which I knew was a lot to ask as it was unfair. The thought of having to choose between Jake and Edward scared the shit out of me because I knew once I'd made my decision, there was no going back. I didn't want to hurt either of their feelings but I knew I couldn't keep this act up, with the inner turmoil that I didn't know which one I truly loved. I just hoped when the time came, it would become clear to me who I wanted to be with for the future.

After the meeting, I had come back to Alice's (I still hadn't gotten used to the fact that it was our place we were sharing yet.) I had been strong up until now but the memory of Charlie that had suddenly popped into my head to haunt me left me feeling the need to cut again. I was trying my best to ignore it, but it was so hard. It was like Charlie was still in control of everything even when I didn't live with him anymore, the image of him laughing in my face, mocking my weakness to his beatings made me want to curl up into a ball and die. I knew it had to stop though, I couldn't go back to how I was before, making the people I love worry about me and damaging my body everyday.

I tried to shake the thoughts away but they kept getting louder, that voice in my head telling me I was worthless and that everyone would be better off without me back again. I needed a distraction from it all, so with a shaky breath I rang Jake, needing the comfort of his rough voice.

"Bells?"

"hey Jake," I tried to hide the tremor in my voice, but didn't do a very good job at it.

"what's wrong?" Jake's voice oozed concern over the phone.

"nothing, I'm fine."

"you don't sound fine Bella."

"I don't know.. it's all coming back, Jake" I admit, biting my lip.

"what's coming back?"

"Charlie, everything I do, his face is always there in my head."

"Is Alice in, do you want me to come round?"

"no she's out with Jasper."

"I'm coming round, hang on Bells."

He hangs up the phone and I can't help but feel a sense of relief. It's horrible having to feel like this by yourself, the thought of Jake being here with me floods me with calm.

I stay sitting on the floor until he comes, my legs curled up infront of me, clinging onto myself for comfort like I always do. It seems like hours later that the doorbell rings, but in reality it's probably only been twenty minutes.

I stand up and with my hands shaking, I open the door. Jacob is standing there, looking worried, a pack of doughnuts in his hand. His face breaks into a grin when he sees me though and he steps into the apartment and I shut the door behind him. When I turn around, I notice he's put the doughnuts down on the side, and is watching me silently. He catches me looking at him though and he holds his big arms out towards me. I walk into his embrace, feeling the warmth of his body as his arms envelope my body. We stay like this for a few minutes until Jake gently pulls away and looks at me lovingly. I feel torn then, because I don't want to lead him on and make him think me hugging him means anything more than it does but he seems to understand and steps away.

"so, I brought doughnuts, strawberry or chocolate?" he asks, changing the subject swiftly.

"strawberry please" I say, smiling at his eagerness to get the doughnuts out of their packaging. We eat them in silence, Jake looking over at me occasionally to make sure I'm okay. When we've finished, he opens his mouth to speak.

"feeling any better?" he asks softy.

"a bit," I say truthfully, just him being here makes me feel comforted.

"good" he smiles, reaching over to squeeze my hand.

We watch tv together for a bit, some comedy series with a famous actress in before Jake turns it off and stands up.

"fancy a motorbike ride?"

I look at him confused, before I remember he bought a new motorbike last month which could fit two people on it, because I wasn't going to get on a motorbike after I hit my head and ended up in hospital just after Edward left and I started taking a load of risks because I wanted to see his face and hear his voice even if it was just in my imagination.

"sure."

Jake drives me over to Billy's and tells me to wait in the car whilst he gets the motorbike out of the garage and he comes back five minutes later, grinning from ear to ear holding a shiny red bike with a long seat at the back, big enough to fit two people. I stifle a laugh at how clearly proud he is to have found this motorbike, knowing how obsessed Jake can get over fixing up old cars and bikes for fun. He places it down on the side of the road and motions me to get out of the car.

"come on, what are you waiting for?" he boasts, handing me a helmet, smaller than his one. I feel touched as I realise the only reason he got this bike was for me and him to go for rides as the helmet is a perfect fit for my head and he doesn't have anyone else he'd want to ride with.

"nothing," I say. I put the helmet on my head and fumble with the clasp for a minute until Jake leans over and does it up for me, smiling.

"let's go," he climbs up on the seat and revs the engine, whilst I climb up behind him and fold my arms around his waist, clinging on.

I can feel the hard muscles underneath his t shirt as he rides the bike, and all of a sudden, we're off, speeding down the road, my hair blowing out behind me, both of us laughing at the weightless feeling you get whizzing past everyone, me holding onto him and him holding onto the handlebars. I watch as we go past the beach, the sea stretching out for miles ahead of us, the waves rippling in the sunlight.

We ride all around Forks for hours before Jake takes me back to Alice's. As we say goodbye, I forget the reason why I even called him in the first place, I feel much better after spending the day by his side.

As I walk in, I hear Alice and Jasper hurriedly talking, when they see me, their faces look worried. I glance at Alice questioningly, asking what's going on with just my expression.

"When we got back and we saw you weren't here, we panicked. I rang Edward to ask if you were with him and when he said no we began to worry you'd ran away or worse. Edward went out looking for you," she says.

Shit, I'd completely forgot all about what it would look like to Alice that I wasn't there all day. I'd got caught up in the moment having fun with Jake and now I feel guilty looking at their faces and realising what they'd thought had happened to me.

"I'm sorry, I forgot about not being there when you got home. I was feeling a bit lonely so Jacob came over and took me out."

"you mean the werewolf?"

"well yes, he's my bestfriend."

"Bella, you need to be careful around him. It's not safe for you to be in such close proximity to a werewolf in case he turns with you there."

"he wouldn't do that."

"you don't know for sure," Alice gives me a warning look before ringing Edward to tell him I'm fine. I can't help but feel annoyed at Alice for the way she speaks about Jake, he would never do anything to hurt me and I can't believe she has the nerve to warn me away from him when it was only 8 months ago that her whole family had to leave because Jasper couldn't control himself that time I got a papercut at my 18th birthday 'party'. I know it's not fair to blame it on her but the thought of her judging Jake when he's the kindest person ever makes me angry.

Alice puts the phone down before turning to me. "Edward was worried about you, he says he's coming round to see you."

Great, just what I need, a lecture from Edward on how I need to stay away from Jake and that it's wrong for me to love a werewolf as if it's any different loving a vampire. I know Edward will be hurt that I chose to spend the day with Jake and not him but for some reason, when I needed someone to be there for me, I didn't think of Edward, Jake was the one that came to my mind almost immediately. I stress over what this means, do I love him more than Edward? Or is the only reason I wanted him there because we've been friends throughout everything?

I'm trying to decide why I rang Jake instead of Edward when the doorbell rings. I stay where I am and Alice rushes to answer it, I hear Edward's silky voice straight away before I see his face. He is talking to Alice in a hushed tone before he turns to see me.

"Bella," he says.

Edward's POV

I can't believe this, I've been driving around practically all day, worrying about Bella and what she might have done to herself when Alice phones me to tell me that she's been perfectly fine all day with that mutt, having a right laugh. When I heard that, I knew it was jealousy that spiked through me. Especially after earlier in the day when Bella admitted that she had feelings for Jacob as well as me, I knew that she must love him more if she came to him when she wanted someone to talk to. It wasn't just jealousy though, it was an aching sadness that I felt because I knew it was all my fault that they'd gotten so close all of a sudden after I'd left her upset. It was selfish, I know, that I left her broken and Jacob had had to heal her and I just came back out of nowhere, jealous of their relationship. But deep down, I was thankful that Jacob had looked after Bella when I wasn't there to.

If I'm being honest, Bella gave me a real scare today, and I'm just glad she's okay. After seeing first hand what she'd done to herself last time through Alice's mind, I automatically assumed the worst when Alice had called me to tell me Bella wasn't anywhere to be seen when she got back, and it looked like she'd been out all day. I had been haunted by visions of Bella jumping off a bridge, Bella cutting her wrists again but this time deeper to try and kill herself and Bella hanging herself off a tree. I know it sounds crazy, but I truly believed what I saw in my head and just then when Alice had called me back, I thought it would be to tell me Bella had been found seriously injured or worse so when she had told me that she'd actually been with Jacob all day, I'd been shocked. Don't get me wrong, I was sick with relief that Bella was fine but I was annoyed that I'd been made to worry so much when all along she'd been out with her lover. And I know that's wrong of me but I couldn't help the immense feeling of jealousy coursing through my veins. But when I saw Bella sitting there on the floor, all was forgiven.

"Hey Edward," Bella had answered me.

"do you want to go somewhere?" I ask her, looking pointedly at Alice and Jasper hanging around, listening into our conversation. I watch as understanding flashes on her face

"sure."

Ten minutes later, we're at some deserted park not far away from Bella's apartment. I wasn't bothered where we ended up as long as we were away from Alice's listening ears because I love my sister but she's so nosy at times.

"so what happened today?", I ask her, faking nonchalance.

"oh nothing much, I felt a bit crap so I called Jake and he came round."

I feel my face visibly flinch with hurt and jealousy at this information, Bella was upset and in the moment of needing someone for comfort, she chose Jacob over me. I kind of guessed as much but hearing it out loud makes me sadder than I thought it would because I know if the same thing had happened before I left, she probably would have chosen me instead. That was back when were close though, when we understood each other, I think bitterly. Even though Bella feels differently towards me now, I feel the same towards her as I did before I left, if not I love her even more and it's this fact that stings. I've heard people talk about how painful it is to love someone when they don't feel the same way back before, but it isn't until now that I really understand what they mean. Bella seems to notice my change in mood, as she looks at me apologetically.

"look, Edward, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt your feelings, I don't know why I rang Jake in that moment instead of you, I really don't. But what I do know is that I still love you and I don't like seeing you hurt."

I look up at her and see the honesty in her face, hearing those words instantly makes me feel better, knowing she still loves me after all I put her through.

"I should be the one saying sorry, I never meant to hurt you when I left, Bella. I truly thought it would help you, if I had known what would have happened, I would have done it all differently, I swear"

"I know," she says simply, her gaze boring into mine. And in that moment, I forgot everything else that's happening, and all I can see is her sweet, beautiful face the same as it always was. It's like the time has been reversed and we're back to where we were before I left. I lean in and kiss her, waiting to see how she responds. She kisses me back, and our lips explore each other, as if we've just met all over again. I hold onto her face and she flings her arms around my neck. It's a gentle kiss, not like the passionate kiss it was before, but nicer. I stroke her face lovingly before she seems to realise what she's doing, and pulls away with a start. I know by her face, that she thinks it was a mistake and I step away from her defeatedly. I'm mostly annoyed at myself for thinking it would be that easy, that everything could be undone by one kiss, like a stupid fairytale.

"I'm sorry Edward, I shouldn't have led you on like that. I love you just as much as I did before, but I love Jacob as well, can't you see how hard the situation is? I don't want to confuse you by kissing you one day, and going silent the next. I need to make my decision before I can get with either of you romantically, else it isn't fair on me or you."

I take in what she's saying slowly, as much as I hate to admit it, it makes sense. If she loves the both of us, she can't confuse herself anymore by kissing one of us. She needs some time to decide which one of us she does want to choose, and I need to be prepared for the fact that it might not be me.

"its okay Bella, I get it. Just don't make us wait too long, okay?" I joke, smiling so she doesn't take it seriously.

"I'll try not to," she winks, thankfully having understood it was a joke.

I walk her back to the apartment happily, at least she doesn't hate me like she has every right to. So what if she can't decide between me and Jacob for the minute? She still loves me and wanted to kiss me earlier so all isn't lost. I make sure she's got home safely, before driving back home, in a daze.

I'm so caught up in the moment that I don't notice the car waiting down the road or the figure that is Charlie glaring at the place Bella lives menacingly.

Ok, whew, finally finished writing! I think this has got to be the longest chapter I've written so far, with 3100 words. I hope you liked it, I wanted to include both Edward and Jacob in this chapter equally, because I'm aware that it's been mostly about Jacob up until now. That's why it's been a lot longer than the average chapter. It was worth the hours I spent writing it though as I do enjoy writing this story, and as I said earlier on, I do know what I want to happen in the story so I'm guessing the completed story might be about 22 chapters in total maybe longer. I'm not sure yet, but anyways if you could give me a review it'd be much appreciated. Thankyou for reading, it means a lot :)