Chapter 19

WARNING- THIS STORY CONTAINS MATURE THEMES SUCH AS SELF HARM AND ABUSE, PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THIS MAY UPSET OR TRIGGER YOU IN AN WAY

I have suffered with self harming before not long ago, and please if you or any of your friends/family are going through it, get help and just remember it DOES get better and you're not alone. I'm always here if you need any help I'll understand xx

Disclaimer- I do not own 'Twilight' or any of the other books written by Stephanie Meyer. All characters mentioned in this fanfic belong to the wonderful author and not me (although I wish Jacob aka Taylor Lautner belonged to me )

Bella's POV

I go to sleep that night, dreaming about me and Jacob on the motorbike, but this time Jake turns around whilst we're riding and tries to kiss me, I pull him away and that's when I realise its not him, its Edward instead but before I can say anything, the bike loses its balance on the road, and we both come flying off it. I wake up with a start when we hit the floor with a bang.

My body drenched with sweat, I put my lips together, trying not to scream. This is the third time I've had a nightmare like this and every time it has something to do with me being confused between Edward and Jacob. It's like my brain is determined to haunt me with it even when I'm not awake, I can never get away from the mess inside my head. Shaking slightly, I stand up and repeat the mundane routine of brushing my teeth, having a shower and getting dressed. Even though I'm not like how I was before, I still feel the pull of the darkness in my mind, making me constantly depressed no matter what I do. I thought because I wasn't around Charlie anymore, everything would suddenly get better and I'd feel like my old happy self, how naïve of me.

I can't stomach the thought of breakfast, so I leave it, ignoring my stomach protesting with a grumble. Alice is here all day today, I guess she felt guilty about yesterday and didn't want to worry over me again. I vowed to myself not to see Jacob or Edward today so as not to complicate things, I was going to have a girly day with Alice and Rosalie. I was surprised that Rosalie was going to come, as she never seemed to like me when I squeezed myself into her family but Alice had asked her and she said she was going to bring her makeup and nail polish. I'm not normally a "girly girl" so Alice is really excited about giving me a makeover so I've just left her to it. I don't want to spoil the fun by saying I'd rather just stay the way I am.

I stay in my room by myself for a bit, with my earplugs in, listening to music. I always loved the power of music and how it could make you feel when I was growing up, but I appreciate it now more than ever. I could just shut the world out, and focus on the music instead of everything else going on in my mind. About half an hour later, I'm brought out of my own world by Alice, she must have knocked on the door but I didn't hear it so she pulls the earplugs out and stands over me, pretending to be mad that I was ignoring her. She meant well but her standing over me like that brings back a ton of memories and all of a sudden I can't breathe, Charlie's voice, furious with me, echoing around the room. I flinch and she seems to notice something's up because frowning, she comes to sit down next to me on the bed.

"what's wrong Bella, am I really that scary?" she jokes, though her eyes are filled with concern.

I smile. "No, I just remembered something, that's all", I say half truthfully.

Alice looks at me for a minute, as if gauging if I was lying or not before she squeals excitedly and squeezes my hand gently.

"I cant wait to see you all made up, Rosalie will be here in a minute, she just text me to say she's on her way."

I look up at her, taking in her dark brown eyes filled with excitement, and her beaming smile. I feel sad for some reason, wishing I could be like her, happy at the slightest little thing and not having to feel the way I do everyday. It's stupid, but I recognise the feeling of burning jealousy, what had I done to deserve to feel like this when other people could go about their lives happily, lucky enough to not be struck down with adepression? I shake the feeling off, embarrassed at having ever thought it in the first place.

"great" I reply, returning her beaming smile.

As if on cue, the doorbell rings and Alice winks at me before going to answer it. Less than ten seconds later, Rosalie is walking into the room like Rosalie does, somehow looking elegant and model-like even whilst carrying a load of heavy boxes flowing with beauty products. She throws them down on the bed before glancing over at me with a friendly face. I feel shocked, as whenever Rosalie has looked at me in the past, it has been with an eye roll or a false smirk showing dislike. Maybe Alice has warned her to be nice because of what happened, I wonder.

"Come sit down on the chair then, Bella. Me and Alice have a lot of work to do" she says.

"okay." I drag myself up off the bed, putting my earplugs and phone out of the way before going to sit on the dressing table chair that Alice bought for the room as a surprise when we first moved in together.

I watch as Rosalie ties my long hair back in a clip before rubbing some kind of cream onto my face. I look at her confused, before she remembers I have no clue about makeup.

"It's just a skin cream, it'll make your skin nice and soft for us to apply the makeup," she reassures me.

She finishes rubbing in the cream and gets out a case of foundation, grabbing a big brush to blend it in. After that, she does my mascara and eyeshadow before putting some pale pink lipstick on my lips. She gives me a once over, before seeming satisfied with her work, starts on my hair. She unties my hair so it falls loosely at my shoulders and combs through it, getting all the knots out. Next, she gets Alice to pass her the straighteners and she goes over every single strand of my hair, spending ages making sure it's the straightest she can get it. She turns the straighteners off, and sprays my hair all over. She turns to look at Alice for confirmation and they both nod knowingly, looking pleased with themselves.

"your makeover is done" they both say at the same time, giggling like little girls.

I glance at them suspiciously, wondering what the hell they've made me look like. Rosalie passes me a mirror and I look at my reflection, scarcely believing the girl staring back at me is me. I look pretty for once, like the other girls you see and desperately want to look like, the makeup makes my face look perfect and my straightened hair is glossy, stretching down to my boobs.

"what do you think?" Alice asks, grinning.

"I.. like it," I say, surprised that I do like it because if I'm being honest, I only did this to entertain Alice, I never actually expected to feel better about my appearance like I do.

"I knew you would," Rosalie answers with her signature smirk.

"shut up, you couldn't have done it without me, I'm the true makeup artist" Alice laughs.

"yeah right, you don't know the first thing about beauty, it could come glare at you right in the face and you wouldn't have a clue," Rosalie mocks teasingly.

"oi," Alice says, playfully shoving her.

I watch them lovingly, it feels kind of odd but watching them smile makes me feel happier. Even Rosalie, the one Cullen I didn't particularly understand, feels like family to me and I'm glad they're here and they chose to come back, even if it was because of the mess I'd gotten myself into.

The doorbell rings and I stand up, confused on who it could be, Rosalie hadn't invited anyone else over, had she? I look over at her and she and Alice laugh conspiratorially, creeping me out. I go to answer the door, and see Jake and Edward standing there, staring at me.

For gods sake, was this what the whole 'girly' thing was about? They wanted to give me a makeover so they could get the two boys I couldn't decide over to see me and what- gawp at me? I curse them fervently in my head, so much for not seeing them yet as it would only complicate things. I could kill Alice and Rosalie!

"hi, what are you the both of you doing here?" I ask pointedly.

"Alice invited us" Jacob says, not taking his eyes off me.

"What, have I got something on my face?" I ask self consciously.

"No, not at all."

"then why are you staring at me like that, Jake?"

"Because you look beautiful, Bella. I mean you always look beautiful but you look stunning," he says, blushing.

I don't know what to say so I just smile at him, Jake knows how I feel about him and him complimenting me like this gives me nervous butterflies in my stomach. That's when I notice Edward glaring at the both of us, looking pissed off.

"hey Edward" I sigh, the sight of him bringing back the memory of us kissing yesterday.

"Bella, I must say Jacob's right for once in his life, you do look beautiful, looking at you makes me want to kiss you right now"

I back off, embarrassed, for fucks sake he's not going to mention yesterday to Jake, is he? It was a mistake and I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him think it meant I chose Edward over him.

"you know that's not going to happen, Edward, not until I decide anyway."

"Oh really, you didn't seem to be saying that yesterday," he smiles innocently.

In that moment, I want to strangle him. What a smug idiot, he seems to realise what he's done though when he sees Jacob jolt back in surprise.

"what?" he explodes.

"I didn't mean to say that-"

"Is this true, Bella?" he asks, looking hurt and I want to cry as this was never meant to happen, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him and now look what I've done.

"yes, but.." I begin, but he clenches his teeth and walks off, not looking back.

I glare at Edward in annoyance, and he looks back at me guiltily.

"I didn't mean to say that, it just kind of slipped out, I'm really sorry" he says seriously.

I just nod at him before running after Jacob, he's already halfway down the road, his head down miserably.

"WAIT, JACOB, PLEASE" I yell desperately.

"WHAT'S THE POINT, BELLA? IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE MADE YOUR DECISION ALREADY TO ME" he shouts back, not even turning around.

"I CAN EXPLAIN" I plead, tears rolling down my cheeks. I speed up, trying to catch up with him when a car comes hurtling down the bend towards me, I try to move out the way but it's too late, it comes round fast, I prepare myself to get hit before the car brakes excessively, stopping just before it hits me. I stare at it in shock, not processing what nearly happened.

"BELLA?" Jacob shouts, running towards me. I stand there, frozen like a statue. He catches up to me and throws his arms around me protectively.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING SPEEDING LIKE THAT, YOU DICKHEAD? GET LOST BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE ON YOU" he yells angrily at the driver and they stick their finger up at him before speeding the other way.

I shiver violently, suddenly freezing and Jake pulls back and takes his jacket off, wrapping it around me.

"are you okay?" he asks breathlessly, looking at me worriedly.

"yeah, I'm fine" I whisper hoarsely.

"thank God, I was such an idiot to run off like that. You were shouting me and I just carried on walking, until I heard that car and then I turned round and watched as it.. almost hit you. Fuck, I was so scared," he says, holding me.

"it's okay, I shouldn't have kissed Edward, I don't know what even happened," I manage to say, still too shocked to think.

"That's just forget about it. I was so mad at the both of you but when I saw that car coming, I regretted everything, all I cared about in that moment was keeping you safe" he answers, tying a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

"I'm so sorry Jake" I utter, my voice wobbling.

"shh, it's okay," he whispers comfortingly.

He looks at me with his warm brown eyes, and the way he looks at me.. I don't even know how to describe it. It's like I'm all that matters to him in the world, as if I'm really precious. I lean closer to him, watching as his eyes fill with desire. I give in then, pressing my lips against his, he kisses me back with all he's got and we hold onto each other, neither of us ever wanting to let go. I feel safe with him, as if he can protect me from anything.

We carry on kissing, his lips warm against mine, until we both stop when we hear the crunch of gravel. I turn around and Edward's standing there, his lips pressed into a thin line, fury dancing in his golden eyes. Oh, shit, not again.

Ok, I wrote this chapter sooner than I would normally, I'm aware I only wrote the last chapter a couple of days ago, but I had the urge to write so I hope you like it. The plot will begin to thicken later on, at the moment it is focused on the love triangle between Bella, Edward and Jacob. Thankyou for reading :)