Severus Snape and the Dark Lord's Dating Service

'...there were other women, and of purer blood, worthier of him -'

- Voldemort to Harry Potter about Snape, The Deathly Hallows, page 740

DATE #1

She entered not from the front door of the establishment, the door he had been watching, but from the bathroom. "Sorry I'm late." she said, taking the seat Snape gallantly held out for her and sitting down with a wet squelch on the vinyl. "The loos in The Ministry were on the blink again and I had to fly home on a borrowed broom and flush myself from there." she held out her hand, "Aquaria Waterspout." she said by way of introduction. "Severus Snape" he said, feeling obligated to accept her handshake. At least she doesn't seem to expect me to kiss it, he thought as he took his seat.

"Is there a reason why you didn't simply apparate?" asked Snape, as he tried to discretely wipe his now moist hand on his tightly buttoned sleeve.

"I... this is rather embarrassing, but I never passed my apparating test." she shrugged looking anything but embarrassed. "After splinching myself for the fourth time my parents and I both agreed that perhaps flushing was more my speed." she said, picking up the menu, "Never did like floo powder either. So messy and all that soot plays havoc with my asthma, I tell you... Don't they have any fish dishes? I could murder a good trout!"

I could happily murder this one, he thought as he snapped his fingers to summon the waiter. Best to get this over with as swiftly as possible. As his date argued with the waiter over her preferred trout poaching method, he studied her much as he would a toad he was about to dissect for potion ingredients. She wasn't young, forty if she was a day, and her generally wet appearance merely emphasized her stringy hair and sloping shoulders. Hardly what I would call good breeding stock. He didn't feel guilty over the crude thought; after all breeding was exactly the purpose of The Dark Lord's new-found interest in his followers' private lives. Recruitment must be down if he's trying to breed new followers now.

"...so, after all that drama it turns out that the only N. E. W. T. I got was in divination. So that's always been my specialty, The Ministry were thrilled to have me in their prophecy division." Snape's attention had wavered long sense. "Then I trust you already know how this date will end." he said. She looked at him and the smile she'd had plastered on her flushed face since she sat down suddenly dropped. She stared into Snape's black eyes and he felt her trying to reach into his mind… reeling with wrath that she would dare to try and penetrate his mind without asking first, or at least buying him a drink… using his exceptionally honed mind, he sent out a wave of revulsion that would have sent even the most accomplished occlumens running. With an outraged sound she leapt to her feet with a squelch, splashed the entire contents of her glass in Snape's face and headed straight for the bog which soon reverberated with a resounding flush.

"Hmm." said Snape, as he wiped his face with a napkin. I guess I should've seen that one coming."